No More Learning

I set
out.

Whitcross regained, I followed a road which led from the sun, now fervent
and high. By no other circumstance had I will to decide my choice. I
walked a long time, and when I thought I had nearly done enough, and
might conscientiously yield to the fatigue that almost overpowered
me--might relax this forced action, and, sitting down on a stone I saw
near, submit resistlessly to the apathy that clogged heart and limb--I
heard a bell chime--a church bell.

I turned in the direction of the sound, and there, amongst the romantic
hills, whose changes and aspect I had ceased to note an hour ago, I saw a
hamlet and a spire. All the valley at my right hand was full of pasture-
fields, and cornfields, and wood; and a glittering stream ran zig-zag
through the varied shades of green, the mellowing grain, the sombre
woodland, the clear and sunny lea. Recalled by the rumbling of wheels to
the road before me, I saw a heavily-laden waggon labouring up the hill,
and not far beyond were two cows and their drover. Human life and human
labour were near. I must struggle on: strive to live and bend to toil
like the rest.

About two o'clock p. m. I entered the village. At the bottom of its one
street there was a little shop with some cakes of bread in the window. I
coveted a cake of bread. With that refreshment I could perhaps regain a
degree of energy: without it, it would be difficult to proceed. The wish
to have some strength and some vigour returned to me as soon as I was
amongst my fellow-beings. I felt it would be degrading to faint with
hunger on the causeway of a hamlet. Had I nothing about me I could offer
in exchange for one of these rolls? I considered. I had a small silk
handkerchief tied round my throat; I had my gloves. I could hardly tell
how men and women in extremities of destitution proceeded. I did not
know whether either of these articles would be accepted: probably they
would not; but I must try.

I entered the shop: a woman was there. Seeing a respectably-dressed
person, a lady as she supposed, she came forward with civility. How
could she serve me? I was seized with shame: my tongue would not utter
the request I had prepared. I dared not offer her the half-worn gloves,
the creased handkerchief: besides, I felt it would be absurd. I only
begged permission to sit down a moment, as I was tired. Disappointed in
the expectation of a customer, she coolly acceded to my request. She
pointed to a seat; I sank into it. I felt sorely urged to weep; but
conscious how unseasonable such a manifestation would be, I restrained
it. Soon I asked her "if there were any dressmaker or plain-workwoman in
the village? "

"Yes; two or three. Quite as many as there was employment for. "

I reflected. I was driven to the point now. I was brought face to face
with Necessity. I stood in the position of one without a resource,
without a friend, without a coin. I must do something. What? I must
apply somewhere. Where?

"Did she know of any place in the neighbourhood where a servant was
wanted? "

"Nay; she couldn't say. "

"What was the chief trade in this place? What did most of the people
do? "

"Some were farm labourers; a good deal worked at Mr. Oliver's
needle-factory, and at the foundry. "

"Did Mr. Oliver employ women? "

"Nay; it was men's work. "

"And what do the women do? "

"I knawn't," was the answer. "Some does one thing, and some another.
Poor folk mun get on as they can. "

She seemed to be tired of my questions: and, indeed, what claim had I to
importune her? A neighbour or two came in; my chair was evidently
wanted. I took leave.

I passed up the street, looking as I went at all the houses to the right
hand and to the left; but I could discover no pretext, nor see an
inducement to enter any. I rambled round the hamlet, going sometimes to
a little distance and returning again, for an hour or more. Much
exhausted, and suffering greatly now for want of food, I turned aside
into a lane and sat down under the hedge. Ere many minutes had elapsed,
I was again on my feet, however, and again searching something--a
resource, or at least an informant. A pretty little house stood at the
top of the lane, with a garden before it, exquisitely neat and
brilliantly blooming. I stopped at it. What business had I to approach
the white door or touch the glittering knocker? In what way could it
possibly be the interest of the inhabitants of that dwelling to serve me?
Yet I drew near and knocked. A mild-looking, cleanly-attired young woman
opened the door. In such a voice as might be expected from a hopeless
heart and fainting frame--a voice wretchedly low and faltering--I asked
if a servant was wanted here?

"No," said she; "we do not keep a servant. "

"Can you tell me where I could get employment of any kind? " I continued.
"I am a stranger, without acquaintance in this place. I want some work:
no matter what. "

But it was not her business to think for me, or to seek a place for me:
besides, in her eyes, how doubtful must have appeared my character,
position, tale. She shook her head, she "was sorry she could give me no
information," and the white door closed, quite gently and civilly: but it
shut me out. If she had held it open a little longer, I believe I should
have begged a piece of bread; for I was now brought low.

I could not bear to return to the sordid village, where, besides, no
prospect of aid was visible. I should have longed rather to deviate to a
wood I saw not far off, which appeared in its thick shade to offer
inviting shelter; but I was so sick, so weak, so gnawed with nature's
cravings, instinct kept me roaming round abodes where there was a chance
of food. Solitude would be no solitude--rest no rest--while the vulture,
hunger, thus sank beak and talons in my side.

I drew near houses; I left them, and came back again, and again I
wandered away: always repelled by the consciousness of having no claim to
ask--no right to expect interest in my isolated lot. Meantime, the
afternoon advanced, while I thus wandered about like a lost and starving
dog. In crossing a field, I saw the church spire before me: I hastened
towards it. Near the churchyard, and in the middle of a garden, stood a
well-built though small house, which I had no doubt was the parsonage. I
remembered that strangers who arrive at a place where they have no
friends, and who want employment, sometimes apply to the clergyman for
introduction and aid. It is the clergyman's function to help--at least
with advice--those who wished to help themselves. I seemed to have
something like a right to seek counsel here. Renewing then my courage,
and gathering my feeble remains of strength, I pushed on. I reached the
house, and knocked at the kitchen-door. An old woman opened: I asked was
this the parsonage?

"Yes. "

"Was the clergyman in? "

"No. "

"Would he be in soon? "

"No, he was gone from home. "

"To a distance? "

"Not so far--happen three mile. He had been called away by the sudden
death of his father: he was at Marsh End now, and would very likely stay
there a fortnight longer. "

"Was there any lady of the house? "

"Nay, there was naught but her, and she was housekeeper;" and of her,
reader, I could not bear to ask the relief for want of which I was
sinking; I could not yet beg; and again I crawled away.

Once more I took off my handkerchief--once more I thought of the cakes of
bread in the little shop. Oh, for but a crust! for but one mouthful to
allay the pang of famine! Instinctively I turned my face again to the
village; I found the shop again, and I went in; and though others were
there besides the woman I ventured the request--"Would she give me a roll
for this handkerchief? "

She looked at me with evident suspicion: "Nay, she never sold stuff i'
that way. "

Almost desperate, I asked for half a cake; she again refused. "How could
she tell where I had got the handkerchief? " she said.

"Would she take my gloves? "

"No! what could she do with them? "

Reader, it is not pleasant to dwell on these details. Some say there is
enjoyment in looking back to painful experience past; but at this day I
can scarcely bear to review the times to which I allude: the moral
degradation, blent with the physical suffering, form too distressing a
recollection ever to be willingly dwelt on. I blamed none of those who
repulsed me. I felt it was what was to be expected, and what could not
be helped: an ordinary beggar is frequently an object of suspicion; a
well-dressed beggar inevitably so. To be sure, what I begged was
employment; but whose business was it to provide me with employment? Not,
certainly, that of persons who saw me then for the first time, and who
knew nothing about my character. And as to the woman who would not take
my handkerchief in exchange for her bread, why, she was right, if the
offer appeared to her sinister or the exchange unprofitable. Let me
condense now. I am sick of the subject.

A little before dark I passed a farm-house, at the open door of which the
farmer was sitting, eating his supper of bread and cheese. I stopped and
said--

"Will you give me a piece of bread? for I am very hungry. " He cast on me
a glance of surprise; but without answering, he cut a thick slice from
his loaf, and gave it to me. I imagine he did not think I was a beggar,
but only an eccentric sort of lady, who had taken a fancy to his brown
loaf. As soon as I was out of sight of his house, I sat down and ate it.

I could not hope to get a lodging under a roof, and sought it in the wood
I have before alluded to. But my night was wretched, my rest broken: the
ground was damp, the air cold: besides, intruders passed near me more
than once, and I had again and again to change my quarters; no sense of
safety or tranquillity befriended me. Towards morning it rained; the
whole of the following day was wet. Do not ask me, reader, to give a
minute account of that day; as before, I sought work; as before, I was
repulsed; as before, I starved; but once did food pass my lips. At the
door of a cottage I saw a little girl about to throw a mess of cold
porridge into a pig trough. "Will you give me that? " I asked.

{"Will you give me that? " I asked: p316. jpg}

She stared at me. "Mother! " she exclaimed, "there is a woman wants me to
give her these porridge. "

"Well lass," replied a voice within, "give it her if she's a beggar. T'
pig doesn't want it. "

The girl emptied the stiffened mould into my hand, and I devoured it
ravenously.

As the wet twilight deepened, I stopped in a solitary bridle-path, which
I had been pursuing an hour or more.

"My strength is quite failing me," I said in a soliloquy. "I feel I
cannot go much farther. Shall I be an outcast again this night? While
the rain descends so, must I lay my head on the cold, drenched ground? I
fear I cannot do otherwise: for who will receive me? But it will be very
dreadful, with this feeling of hunger, faintness, chill, and this sense
of desolation--this total prostration of hope. In all likelihood,
though, I should die before morning. And why cannot I reconcile myself
to the prospect of death? Why do I struggle to retain a valueless life?
Because I know, or believe, Mr. Rochester is living: and then, to die of
want and cold is a fate to which nature cannot submit passively. Oh,
Providence! sustain me a little longer! Aid! --direct me! "

My glazed eye wandered over the dim and misty landscape. I saw I had
strayed far from the village: it was quite out of sight. The very
cultivation surrounding it had disappeared. I had, by cross-ways and by-
paths, once more drawn near the tract of moorland; and now, only a few
fields, almost as wild and unproductive as the heath from which they were
scarcely reclaimed, lay between me and the dusky hill.

"Well, I would rather die yonder than in a street or on a frequented
road," I reflected. "And far better that crows and ravens--if any ravens
there be in these regions--should pick my flesh from my bones, than that
they should be prisoned in a workhouse coffin and moulder in a pauper's
grave. "

To the hill, then, I turned. I reached it. It remained now only to find
a hollow where I could lie down, and feel at least hidden, if not secure.
But all the surface of the waste looked level. It showed no variation
but of tint: green, where rush and moss overgrew the marshes; black,
where the dry soil bore only heath. Dark as it was getting, I could
still see these changes, though but as mere alternations of light and
shade; for colour had faded with the daylight.

My eye still roved over the sullen swell and along the moor-edge,
vanishing amidst the wildest scenery, when at one dim point, far in among
the marshes and the ridges, a light sprang up. "That is an _ignis
fatuus_," was my first thought; and I expected it would soon vanish. It
burnt on, however, quite steadily, neither receding nor advancing. "Is
it, then, a bonfire just kindled? " I questioned. I watched to see
whether it would spread: but no; as it did not diminish, so it did not
enlarge. "It may be a candle in a house," I then conjectured; "but if
so, I can never reach it. It is much too far away: and were it within a
yard of me, what would it avail? I should but knock at the door to have
it shut in my face. "

And I sank down where I stood, and hid my face against the ground. I lay
still a while: the night-wind swept over the hill and over me, and died
moaning in the distance; the rain fell fast, wetting me afresh to the
skin. Could I but have stiffened to the still frost--the friendly
numbness of death--it might have pelted on; I should not have felt it;
but my yet living flesh shuddered at its chilling influence. I rose ere
long.

The light was yet there, shining dim but constant through the rain. I
tried to walk again: I dragged my exhausted limbs slowly towards it. It
led me aslant over the hill, through a wide bog, which would have been
impassable in winter, and was splashy and shaking even now, in the height
of summer. Here I fell twice; but as often I rose and rallied my
faculties. This light was my forlorn hope: I must gain it.

Having crossed the marsh, I saw a trace of white over the moor. I
approached it; it was a road or a track: it led straight up to the light,
which now beamed from a sort of knoll, amidst a clump of trees--firs,
apparently, from what I could distinguish of the character of their forms
and foliage through the gloom. My star vanished as I drew near: some
obstacle had intervened between me and it. I put out my hand to feel the
dark mass before me: I discriminated the rough stones of a low wall--above
it, something like palisades, and within, a high and prickly hedge. I
groped on. Again a whitish object gleamed before me: it was a gate--a
wicket; it moved on its hinges as I touched it. On each side stood a
sable bush-holly or yew.

Entering the gate and passing the shrubs, the silhouette of a house rose
to view, black, low, and rather long; but the guiding light shone
nowhere. All was obscurity. Were the inmates retired to rest? I feared
it must be so. In seeking the door, I turned an angle: there shot out
the friendly gleam again, from the lozenged panes of a very small
latticed window, within a foot of the ground, made still smaller by the
growth of ivy or some other creeping plant, whose leaves clustered thick
over the portion of the house wall in which it was set. The aperture was
so screened and narrow, that curtain or shutter had been deemed
unnecessary; and when I stooped down and put aside the spray of foliage
shooting over it, I could see all within.
I could see clearly a room
with a sanded floor, clean scoured; a dresser of walnut, with pewter
plates ranged in rows, reflecting the redness and radiance of a glowing
peat-fire. I could see a clock, a white deal table, some chairs. The
candle, whose ray had been my beacon, burnt on the table; and by its
light an elderly woman, somewhat rough-looking, but scrupulously clean,
like all about her, was knitting a stocking.

I noticed these objects cursorily only--in them there was nothing
extraordinary. A group of more interest appeared near the hearth,
sitting still amidst the rosy peace and warmth suffusing it. Two young,
graceful women--ladies in every point--sat, one in a low rocking-chair,
the other on a lower stool; both wore deep mourning of crape and
bombazeen, which sombre garb singularly set off very fair necks and
faces: a large old pointer dog rested its massive head on the knee of one
girl--in the lap of the other was cushioned a black cat.

A strange place was this humble kitchen for such occupants! Who were
they? They could not be the daughters of the elderly person at the
table; for she looked like a rustic, and they were all delicacy and
cultivation. I had nowhere seen such faces as theirs: and yet, as I
gazed on them, I seemed intimate with every lineament. I cannot call
them handsome--they were too pale and grave for the word: as they each
bent over a book, they looked thoughtful almost to severity. A stand
between them supported a second candle and two great volumes, to which
they frequently referred, comparing them, seemingly, with the smaller
books they held in their hands, like people consulting a dictionary to
aid them in the task of translation. This scene was as silent as if all
the figures had been shadows and the firelit apartment a picture: so
hushed was it, I could hear the cinders fall from the grate, the clock
tick in its obscure corner; and I even fancied I could distinguish the
click-click of the woman's knitting-needles. When, therefore, a voice
broke the strange stillness at last, it was audible enough to me.

"Listen, Diana," said one of the absorbed students; "Franz and old Daniel
are together in the night-time, and Franz is telling a dream from which
he has awakened in terror--listen! " And in a low voice she read
something, of which not one word was intelligible to me; for it was in an
unknown tongue--neither French nor Latin. Whether it were Greek or
German I could not tell.

"That is strong," she said, when she had finished: "I relish it. " The
other girl, who had lifted her head to listen to her sister, repeated,
while she gazed at the fire, a line of what had been read. At a later
day, I knew the language and the book; therefore, I will here quote the
line: though, when I first heard it, it was only like a stroke on
sounding brass to me--conveying no meaning:--

"'Da trat hervor Einer, anzusehen wie die Sternen Nacht. ' Good! good! "
she exclaimed, while her dark and deep eye sparkled. "There you have a
dim and mighty archangel fitly set before you! The line is worth a
hundred pages of fustian. 'Ich wage die Gedanken in der Schale meines
Zornes und die Werke mit dem Gewichte meines Grimms. ' I like it! "

Both were again silent.

"Is there ony country where they talk i' that way? " asked the old woman,
looking up from her knitting.

"Yes, Hannah--a far larger country than England, where they talk in no
other way. "

"Well, for sure case, I knawn't how they can understand t' one t'other:
and if either o' ye went there, ye could tell what they said, I guess? "

"We could probably tell something of what they said, but not all--for we
are not as clever as you think us, Hannah. We don't speak German, and we
cannot read it without a dictionary to help us. "

"And what good does it do you? "

"We mean to teach it some time--or at least the elements, as they say;
and then we shall get more money than we do now. "

"Varry like: but give ower studying; ye've done enough for to-night. "

"I think we have: at least I'm tired. Mary, are you? "

"Mortally: after all, it's tough work fagging away at a language with no
master but a lexicon. "

"It is, especially such a language as this crabbed but glorious Deutsch.
I wonder when St. John will come home. "

"Surely he will not be long now: it is just ten (looking at a little gold
watch she drew from her girdle). It rains fast, Hannah: will you have
the goodness to look at the fire in the parlour? "

The woman rose: she opened a door, through which I dimly saw a passage:
soon I heard her stir a fire in an inner room; she presently came back.

"Ah, childer! " said she, "it fair troubles me to go into yond' room now:
it looks so lonesome wi' the chair empty and set back in a corner. "

She wiped her eyes with her apron: the two girls, grave before, looked
sad now.

"But he is in a better place," continued Hannah: "we shouldn't wish him
here again. And then, nobody need to have a quieter death nor he had. "

"You say he never mentioned us? " inquired one of the ladies.

"He hadn't time, bairn: he was gone in a minute, was your father. He had
been a bit ailing like the day before, but naught to signify; and when
Mr. St. John asked if he would like either o' ye to be sent for, he fair
laughed at him. He began again with a bit of a heaviness in his head the
next day--that is, a fortnight sin'--and he went to sleep and niver
wakened: he wor a'most stark when your brother went into t' chamber and
fand him. Ah, childer! that's t' last o' t' old stock--for ye and Mr.
St. John is like of different soart to them 'at's gone; for all your
mother wor mich i' your way, and a'most as book-learned. She wor the
pictur' o' ye, Mary: Diana is more like your father. "

I thought them so similar I could not tell where the old servant (for
such I now concluded her to be) saw the difference. Both were fair
complexioned and slenderly made; both possessed faces full of distinction
and intelligence. One, to be sure, had hair a shade darker than the
other, and there was a difference in their style of wearing it; Mary's
pale brown locks were parted and braided smooth: Diana's duskier tresses
covered her neck with thick curls. The clock struck ten.

"Ye'll want your supper, I am sure," observed Hannah; "and so will Mr.
St. John when he comes in. "

And she proceeded to prepare the meal. The ladies rose; they seemed
about to withdraw to the parlour. Till this moment, I had been so intent
on watching them, their appearance and conversation had excited in me so
keen an interest, I had half-forgotten my own wretched position: now it
recurred to me. More desolate, more desperate than ever, it seemed from
contrast. And how impossible did it appear to touch the inmates of this
house with concern on my behalf; to make them believe in the truth of my
wants and woes--to induce them to vouchsafe a rest for my wanderings! As
I groped out the door, and knocked at it hesitatingly, I felt that last
idea to be a mere chimera. Hannah opened.

"What do you want? " she inquired, in a voice of surprise, as she surveyed
me by the light of the candle she held.

"May I speak to your mistresses? " I said.

"You had better tell me what you have to say to them. Where do you come
from? "

"I am a stranger. "

"What is your business here at this hour? "

"I want a night's shelter in an out-house or anywhere, and a morsel of
bread to eat. "

Distrust, the very feeling I dreaded, appeared in Hannah's face. "I'll
give you a piece of bread," she said, after a pause; "but we can't take
in a vagrant to lodge. It isn't likely. "

"Do let me speak to your mistresses. "

"No, not I. What can they do for you? You should not be roving about
now; it looks very ill. "

"But where shall I go if you drive me away? What shall I do? "

"Oh, I'll warrant you know where to go and what to do. Mind you don't do
wrong, that's all. Here is a penny; now go--"

"A penny cannot feed me, and I have no strength to go farther. Don't
shut the door:--oh, don't, for God's sake! "

"I must; the rain is driving in--"

"Tell the young ladies. Let me see them--"

"Indeed, I will not. You are not what you ought to be, or you wouldn't
make such a noise. Move off. "

"But I must die if I am turned away. "

"Not you. I'm fear'd you have some ill plans agate, that bring you about
folk's houses at this time o' night. If you've any
followers--housebreakers or such like--anywhere near, you may tell them
we are not by ourselves in the house; we have a gentleman, and dogs, and
guns. " Here the honest but inflexible servant clapped the door to and
bolted it within.

This was the climax. A pang of exquisite suffering--a throe of true
despair--rent and heaved my heart. Worn out, indeed, I was; not another
step could I stir. I sank on the wet doorstep: I groaned--I wrung my
hands--I wept in utter anguish. Oh, this spectre of death! Oh, this
last hour, approaching in such horror! Alas, this isolation--this
banishment from my kind! Not only the anchor of hope, but the footing of
fortitude was gone--at least for a moment; but the last I soon
endeavoured to regain.

"I can but die," I said, "and I believe in God. Let me try to wait His
will in silence. "

These words I not only thought, but uttered; and thrusting back all my
misery into my heart, I made an effort to compel it to remain there--dumb
and still.

"All men must die," said a voice quite close at hand; "but all are not
condemned to meet a lingering and premature doom, such as yours would be
if you perished here of want. "

"Who or what speaks? " I asked, terrified at the unexpected sound, and
incapable now of deriving from any occurrence a hope of aid. A form was
near--what form, the pitch-dark night and my enfeebled vision prevented
me from distinguishing. With a loud long knock, the new-comer appealed
to the door.

"Is it you, Mr. St. John? " cried Hannah.

"Yes--yes; open quickly. "

"Well, how wet and cold you must be, such a wild night as it is! Come
in--your sisters are quite uneasy about you, and I believe there are bad
folks about. There has been a beggar-woman--I declare she is not gone
yet! --laid down there. Get up! for shame! Move off, I say! "

"Hush, Hannah! I have a word to say to the woman. You have done your
duty in excluding, now let me do mine in admitting her. I was near, and
listened to both you and her. I think this is a peculiar case--I must at
least examine into it. Young woman, rise, and pass before me into the
house. "

{Hush, Hannah; I have a word to say to the woman: p323. jpg}

With difficulty I obeyed him. Presently I stood within that clean,
bright kitchen--on the very hearth--trembling, sickening; conscious of an
aspect in the last degree ghastly, wild, and weather-beaten. The two
ladies, their brother, Mr. St. John, the old servant, were all gazing at
me.

"St. John, who is it? " I heard one ask.

"I cannot tell: I found her at the door," was the reply.

"She does look white," said Hannah.

"As white as clay or death," was responded. "She will fall: let her
sit. "

And indeed my head swam: I dropped, but a chair received me. I still
possessed my senses, though just now I could not speak.

"Perhaps a little water would restore her. Hannah, fetch some. But she
is worn to nothing. How very thin, and how very bloodless! "

"A mere spectre! "

"Is she ill, or only famished? "

"Famished, I think. Hannah, is that milk? Give it me, and a piece of
bread. "

Diana (I knew her by the long curls which I saw drooping between me and
the fire as she bent over me) broke some bread, dipped it in milk, and
put it to my lips. Her face was near mine: I saw there was pity in it,
and I felt sympathy in her hurried breathing. In her simple words, too,
the same balm-like emotion spoke: "Try to eat. "

"Yes--try," repeated Mary gently; and Mary's hand removed my sodden
bonnet and lifted my head. I tasted what they offered me: feebly at
first, eagerly soon.

"Not too much at first--restrain her," said the brother; "she has had
enough. " And he withdrew the cup of milk and the plate of bread.

"A little more, St. John--look at the avidity in her eyes. "

"No more at present, sister. Try if she can speak now--ask her her
name. "

I felt I could speak, and I answered--"My name is Jane Elliott. " Anxious
as ever to avoid discovery, I had before resolved to assume an _alias_.

"And where do you live? Where are your friends? "

I was silent.

"Can we send for any one you know? "

I shook my head.

"What account can you give of yourself? "

Somehow, now that I had once crossed the threshold of this house, and
once was brought face to face with its owners, I felt no longer outcast,
vagrant, and disowned by the wide world. I dared to put off the
mendicant--to resume my natural manner and character. I began once more
to know myself; and when Mr. St. John demanded an account--which at
present I was far too weak to render--I said after a brief pause--

"Sir, I can give you no details to-night. "

"But what, then," said he, "do you expect me to do for you? "

"Nothing," I replied. My strength sufficed for but short answers. Diana
took the word--

"Do you mean," she asked, "that we have now given you what aid you
require? and that we may dismiss you to the moor and the rainy night? "

I looked at her. She had, I thought, a remarkable countenance, instinct
both with power and goodness. I took sudden courage. Answering her
compassionate gaze with a smile, I said--"I will trust you. If I were a
masterless and stray dog, I know that you would not turn me from your
hearth to-night: as it is, I really have no fear. Do with me and for me
as you like; but excuse me from much discourse--my breath is short--I
feel a spasm when I speak.