No More Learning

FROM THE VALEDICTORY TO THE SENATE, DELIVERED IN 1842
FR
ROM 1806, the period of my entrance upon this noble theatre,
with short intervals, to the present time, I have been
engaged in the public councils at home or abroad. Of
the services rendered during that long and arduous period of
my life it does not become me to speak; history, if she deign
to notice me, and posterity, if the recollection of my humble
actions shall be transmitted to posterity, are the best, the truest,
and the most impartial judges. When death has closed the
scene, their sentence will be pronounced, and to that I commit
myself. My public conduct is a fair subject for the criticism.
and judgment of my fellow men; but the motives by which I
have been prompted are known only to the great Searcher of
the human heart and to myself; and I trust I may be pardoned
for repeating a declaration made some thirteen years ago, that
whatever errors-and doubtless there have been many-may
be discovered in a review of my public service, I can with
unshaken confidence appeal to that divine Arbiter for the truth.
of the declaration that I have been influenced by no impure
purpose, no personal motive; have sought no personal aggrand-
izement; but that in all my public acts I have had a single
eye directed and a warm and devoted heart dedicated to what,


## p. 3777 (#139) ###########################################

HENRY CLAY
3777
in my best judgment, I believed the true interests, the honor,
the union, and the happiness of my country required.
During that long period, however, I have not escaped the
fate of other public men, nor failed to incur censure and detrac-
tion of the bitterest, most unrelenting, and most malignant
character; and though not always insensible to the pain it was
meant to inflict, I have borne it in general with composure and
without disturbance, waiting as I have done, in perfect and
undoubting confidence, for the ultimate triumph of justice and
of truth, and in the entire persuasion that time would settle all
things as they should be; and that whatever wrong or injustice
I might experience at the hands of man, He to whom all hearts.
are open and fully known, would by the inscrutable dispensa-
tions of His providence rectify all error, redress all wrong, and
cause ample justice to be done.
But I have not meanwhile been unsustained. Everywhere
throughout the extent of this great continent I have had cor-
dial, warm-hearted, faithful, and devoted friends, who have
known me, loved me, and appreciated my motives. To them, if
language were capable of fully expressing my acknowledgments,
I would now offer all the return I have the power to make for
their genuine, disinterested, and persevering fidelity and devoted
attachment, the feelings and sentiments of a heart overflowing
with never-ceasing gratitude. If, however, I fail in suitable lan-
guage to express my gratitude to them for all the kindness they
have shown me, what shall I say, what can I say, at all commens-
urate with those feelings of gratitude with which I have been
inspired by the State whose humble representative and servant I
have been in this chamber?
I emigrated from Virginia to the State of Kentucky now
nearly forty-five years ago; I went as an orphan boy who had
not yet attained the age of majority; who had never recognized
a father's smile, nor felt his warm caresses; poor, penniless,
without the favor of the great, with an imperfect and neglected
education, hardly sufficient for the ordinary business and com-
mon pursuits of life; but scarce had I set my foot upon her
generous soil when I was embraced with parental fondness,
caressed as though I had been a favorite child, and patronized
with liberal and unbounded munificence. From that period the
highest honors of the State have been freely bestowed upon
me; and when in the darkest hour of calumny and detraction
VII-237


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3778
HENRY CLAY
I seemed to be assailed by all the rest of the world, she inter-
posed her broad and impenetrable shield, repelled the poisoned
shafts that were aimed for my destruction, and vindicated my
good name from every malignant and unfounded aspersion. I
return with indescribable pleasure to linger a while longer, and
mingle with the warm-hearted and whole-souled people of that
State; and when the last scene shall forever close upon me, I
hope that my earthly remains will be laid under her green sod
with those of her gallant and patriotic sons.
That my nature is warm, my temper ardent, my disposition
-especially in relation to the public service-enthusiastic, I am
ready to own; and those who suppose that I have been assuming
the dictatorship, have only, mistaken for arrogance or assumption
that ardor and devotion which are natural to my constitution,
and which I may have displayed with too little regard to cold,
calculating, and cautious prudence, in sustaining and zealously
supporting important national measures of policy which I have
presented and espoused.
I go from this place under the hope that we shall mutually
consign to perpetual oblivion whatever personal collisions may at
any time unfortunately have occurred between us; and that our
recollections shall dwell in future only on those conflicts of mind
with mind, those intellectual struggles, those noble exhibitions of
the powers of logic, argument, and eloquence, honorable to the
Senate and to the nation, in which each has sought and con-
tended for what he deemed the best mode of accomplishing one
common object, the interest and the most happiness of our
beloved country. To these thrilling and delightful scenes it will
be my pleasure and my pride to look back in my retirement
with unmeasured satisfaction.
May the most precious blessings of Heaven rest upon the
whole Senate and each member of it, and may the labors of
every one redound to the benefit of the nation and to the
advancement of his own fame and renown. And when you shall
retire to the bosom of your constituents, may you receive the
most cheering and gratifying of all human rewards,— their cor-
dial greeting of "Well done, good and faithful servant. "


## p. 3779 (#141) ###########################################

HENRY CLAY
3779
FROM THE LEXINGTON (SPEECH ON RETIREMENT TO
PRIVATE LIFE'
I
T WOULD neither be fitting, nor is it my purpose, to pass judg-
ment on all the acts of my public life; but I hope I shall
be excused for one or two observations which the occasion
appears to me to authorize.
I never but once changed my opinion on any great measure
of national policy, or on any great principle of construction of
the national Constitution. In early life, on deliberate considera-
tion, I adopted the principles of interpreting the federal Consti-
tution which have been so ably developed and enforced by Mr.
Madison in his memorable report to the Virginia Legislature;
and to them, as I understood them, I have constantly adhered.
Upon the question coming up in the Senate of the United States
to re-charter the first Bank of the United States, thirty years
ago, I opposed the re-charter upon convictions which I honestly
entertained. The experience of the war which shortly followed,
the condition into which the currency of the country was thrown
without a bank, and I may now add, later and more disastrous
experience, convinced me I was wrong. I publicly stated to
my constituents, in a speech in Lexington (that which I made
in the House of Representatives of the United States not hav-
ing been reported), my reasons for that change, and they are
preserved in the archives of the country. I appeal to that
record, and I am willing to be judged now and hereafter by
their validity.
I do not advert to the fact of this solitary instance of change
of opinion as implying any personal merit, but because it is a
fact. I will however say that I think it very perilous to the
utility of any public man to make frequent changes of opinion,
or any change, but upon grounds so sufficient and palpable that
the public can clearly see and approve them. If we could look
through a window into the human breast and there discover the
causes which led to changes of opinion, they might be made
without hazard. But as it is impossible to penetrate the human
heart and distinguish between the sinister and honest motives
which prompt it, any public man that changes his opinion, once
deliberately formed and promulgated, under other circumstances
than those which I have stated, draws around him distrust,


## p. 3780 (#142) ###########################################

3780
HENRY CLAY
impairs the public confidence, and lessens his capacity to serve.
his country.
I will take this occasion now to say, that I am and have been
long satisfied that it would have been wiser and more politic in
me to have declined accepting the office of Secretary of State
in 1825. Not that my motives were not as pure and as patriotic
as ever carried any man into public office. Not that the calumny
which was applied to the fact was not as gross and as unfounded
as any that was ever propagated. Not that valued friends and
highly esteemed opponents did not unite in urging my accept-
ance of the office. Not that the administration of Mr. Adams
will not, I sincerely believe, advantageously compare with any
of his predecessors, in economy, purity, prudence, and wisdom.
Not that Mr. Adams was himself wanting in any of those high
qualifications and upright and patriotic intentions which were
suited to the office.
But my error in accepting the office arose out of my under
rating the power of detraction and the force of ignorance, and
abiding with too sure a confidence in the conscious integrity
and uprightness of my own motives. Of that ignorance I had a
remarkable and laughable example on an occasion which I will
relate. I was traveling in 1828 through-I believe it
Spottsylvania County in Virginia, on my return to Washington,
in company with some young friends. We halted at night at a
tavern, kept by an aged gentleman who, I quickly perceived
from the disorder and confusion which reigned, had not the
happiness to have a wife. After a hurried and bad supper the
old gentleman sat down by me, and without hearing my name,
but understanding that I was from Kentucky, remarked that he
had four sons in that State, and that he was very sorry they
were divided in politics, two being for Adams and two for Jack-
son; he wished they were all for Jackson. "Why? " I asked
him. "Because," he said, "that fellow Clay, and Adams, had
cheated Jackson out of the Presidency. "-"Have you ever seen
any evidence, my old friend," said I, "of that? "-"No," he
replied, "none," and he wanted to see none. "But," I cbserved,
looking him directly and steadily in the face, "suppose Mr. Clay
were to come here and assure you upon his honor that it was
all a vile calumny, and not a word of truth in it, would you
believe him? "-"No," replied the old gentleman, promptly and
emphatically. I said to him in conclusion, "Will you be good


## p. 3781 (#143) ###########################################

HENRY CLAY
3781
enough to show me to bed? ' and bade him good-night. The
next morning, having in the interval learned my name, he
came to me full of apologies; but I at once put him at his ease
by assuring him that I did not feel in the slightest degree hurt
or offended with him. .
If to have served my country during a long series of years
with fervent zeal and unshaken fidelity, in seasons of peace and
war, at home and abroad, in the legislative halls and in an
executive department; if to have labored most sedulously to
avert the embarrassment and distress which now overspread this
Union, and when they came, to have exerted myself anxiously
at the extra session, and at this, to devise healing remedies; if
to have desired to introduce economy and reform in the general
administration, curtail enormous executive power, and amply
provide at the same time for the wants of the government and
the wants of the people, by a tariff which would give it revenue
and then protection; if to have earnestly sought to establish the
bright but too rare example of a party in power faithful to its
promises and pledges made when out of power: if these services,
exertions, and endeavors justify the accusation of ambition, I
must plead guilty to the charge.
I have wished the good opinion of the world; but I defy the
most malignant of my enemies to show that I have attempted to
gain it by any low or groveling arts, by any mean or unworthy
sacrifices, by the violation of any of the obligations of honor, or
by a breach of any of the duties which I owed to my country. . .
How is this right of the people to abolish an existing gov-
ernment, and to set up a new one, to be practically exercised ?
Our revolutionary ancestors did not tell us by words, but they
proclaimed it by gallant and noble deeds. Who are the people
that are to tear up the whole fabric of human society, whenever
and as often as caprice or passion may prompt them? When
all the arrangements and ordinances of existing organized society
are prostrated and subverted, as must be supposed in such a
lawless and irregular movement as that in Rhode Island, the
established privileges and distinctions between the sexes, between
the colors, between the ages, between natives and foreigners,
between the sane and the insane, and between the innocent and
the guilty convict, all the offspring of positive institutions, are cast
down and abolished, and society is thrown into one heteroge-
neous and unregulated mass. And is it contended that the


## p. 3782 (#144) ###########################################

3782
HENRY CLAY
major part of this Babel congregation is invested with the right
to build up at its pleasure a new government? that as often,
and whenever, society can be drummed up and thrown into
such a shapeless mass, the major part of it may establish another
and another new government in endless succession? Why, this
would overturn all social organization, make revolutions - the
extreme and last resort of an oppressed people-the commonest
occurrences of human life, and the standing order of the day.
How such a principle would operate in a certain section of this
Union, with a peculiar population, you will readily conceive.
No community could endure such an intolerable state of things
anywhere, and all would sooner or later take refuge from such
ceaseless agitation in the calm repose of absolute despotism.
Fellow-citizens of all parties! The present situation of our
country is one of unexampled distress and difficulty; but
there is no occasion for any despondency. A kind and bountiful
Providence has never deserted us; punished us he perhaps has,
for our neglect of his blessings and our misdeeds. We have a
varied and fertile soil, a genial climate, and free institutions.
Our whole land is covered in profusion with the means of sub-
sistence and the comforts of life. Our gallant ship, it is unfor-
tunately true, lies helpless, tossed on. a tempestuous sea amid
the conflicting billows of contending parties, without a rudder
and without a faithful pilot. But that ship is our country,
embodying all our past glory, all our future hopes. Its crew is
our whole people, by whatever political denomination they are
known. If she goes down, we all go down together. Let us
remember the dying words of the gallant and lamented Law-
rence, "Don't give up the ship. " The glorious banner of our
country, with its unstained stars and stripes, still proudly floats
at its mast-head. With stout hearts and strong arms we can
surmount all our difficulties. Let us all, all, rally round that
banner, and finally resolve to perpetuate our liberties and regain
our lost prosperity.
Whigs! Arouse from the ignoble supineness which encom-
passes you; awake from the lethargy in which you lie bound;
cast from you that unworthy apathy which seems to make you
indifferent to the fate of your country. Arouse! awake! shake
off the dewdrops that glitter on your garments, and once more
march to battle and to victory. You have been disappointed,
deceived, betrayed; shamefully deceived and betrayed. But will


## p. 3783 (#145) ###########################################

HENRY CLAY
3783
you therefore also prove false and faithless to your country, or
obey the impulses of a just and patriotic indignation? As for
Captain Tyler, he is a mere snap, a flash in the pan; pick your
Whig flints and try your rifles again.
From The Speeches of Henry Clay; Edited by Calvin Colton. Copyright,
1857. by A. S. Barnes and Company.


## p. 3784 (#146) ###########################################

3784
CLEANTHES
(331-232 B. C. )
LEANTHES, the immediate successor of Zeno, the founder of
Stoicism, was born at Assos, in the Troad, in B. C. 331. Of
his early life we know nothing, except that he was for a
time a prize-fighter. About the age of thirty he came to Athens
with less than a dollar in his pocket, and entered the school of Zeno,
where he remained for some nineteen years. At one time the Court
of Areopagus, not seeing how he could make an honest livelihood,
summoned him to appear before it and give an account of himself.
He did so, bringing with him his employers, who proved that he
spent much of the night in carrying water for gardens, or in knead-
ing dough. The court, filled with admiration, offered him a pension,
which he refused by the advice of his master, who thought the prac-
tice of self-dependence and strong endurance an essential part of
education. Cleanthes's mind was slow of comprehension but extremely
retentive; like a hard tablet, Zeno said, which retains clearest and
longest what is written on it. He was not an original thinker, but
the strength and loftiness of his character and his strong religious
sense gave him an authority which no other member of the school
could claim. For many years head of the Stoa, he reached the
ripe age of ninety-nine, when, falling sick, he refused to take food,
and died of voluntary starvation in B. C. 232. Long afterwards, the
Roman Senate caused a statue to be erected to his memory in his
native town. Almost the only writing of his that has come down to
us is his noble Hymn to the Supreme Being.
HYMN TO ZEUS
M
OST glorious of all the Undying, many-named, girt round with
awe!
Jove, author of Nature, applying to all things the rudder of
law-
Hail! Hail! for it justly rejoices the races whose life is a span
To lift unto thee their voices-the Author and Framer of man.
For we are thy sons; thou didst give us the symbols of speech at
our birth,
Alone of the things that live, and mortal move upon earth.


## p. 3785 (#147) ###########################################

CLEANTHES
3785
Wherefore thou shalt find me extolling and ever singing thy
praise;
Since thee the great Universe, rolling on its path round the world,
obeys:-
Obeys thee, wherever thou guidest, and gladly is bound in thy
bands,
So great is the power thou confidest, with strong, invincible hands,
To thy mighty ministering servant, the bolt of the thunder, that
flies,
Two-edged, like a sword, and fervent, that is living and never dies.
All nature, in fear and dismay, doth quake in the path of its stroke,
What time thou preparest the way for the one Word thy lips have
spoke,
Which blends with lights smaller and greater, which pervadeth and
thrilleth all things,
So great is thy power and thy nature in the Universe Highest of
Kings!
On earth, of all deeds that are done, O God! there is none without
thee;
In the holy ether not one, nor one on the face of the sea,
Save the deeds that evil men, driven by their own blind folly, have
planned;
-
But things that have grown uneven are made even again by thy
hand;
And things unseemly grow seemly, the unfriendly are friendly to
thee;
For so good and evil supremely thou hast blended in one by decree.
For all thy decree is one ever-a Word that endureth for aye,
Which mortals, rebellious, endeavor to flee from and shun to obey-
Ill-fated, that, worn with proneness for the lordship of goodly things,
Neither hear nor behold, in its oneness, the law that divinity brings;
Which men with reason obeying, might attain unto glorious life,
No longer aimlessly straying in the paths of ignoble strife.
There are men with a zeal unblest, that are wearied with following
of fame,
And men with a baser quest, that are turned to lucre and shame.
There are men too that pamper and pleasure the flesh with delicate
stings:
All these desire beyond measure to be other than all these things.
Great Jove, all-giver, dark-clouded, great Lord of the thunderbolt's
breath!
Deliver the men that are shrouded in ignorance dismal as death.
O Father! dispel from their souls the darkness, and grant them the
light


## p. 3786 (#148) ###########################################

3786
CLEANTHES
Of reason, thy stay, when the whole wide world thou rulest with
might,
That we, being honored, may honor thy name with the music of
hymns,
Extolling the deeds of the Donor, unceasing, as rightly beseems
Mankind; for no worthier trust is awarded to God or to man
Than forever to glory with justice in the law that endures and is
One.


## p. 3787 (#149) ###########################################

3787
SAMUEL LANGHORNE CLEMENS (MARK TWAIN)
(1835-)
AMUEL L. CLEMENS has made the name he assumed in his
earliest "sketches" for newspapers so completely to usurp
his own in public and private, that until recently the world
knew him by no other; his world of admirers rarely use any other in
referring to the great author, and even to his intimate friends the
borrowed name seems the more real. The pseudonym so lightly
picked up has nearly universal recognition, and it is safe to say that
the name "Mark Twain" is known to more people of all conditions,
the world over, than any other in this century, except that of some
reigning sovereign or great war captain. The term is one used by
the Mississippi River pilots to indicate the depth of water (two
fathoms) when throwing the lead. It was first employed by a river
correspondent in reporting the state of the river to a New Orleans
newspaper. This reporter died just about the time Mr. Clemens
began to write, and he "jumped» the name.
Mr. Clemens was born in Hannibal, Missouri, a small town on the
west bank of the Mississippi, in 1835. He got the rudiments of an
education at a village school, learned boy-life and human nature in a
frontier community, entered a printing office and became an expert
compositor, traveled and worked as a journeyman printer, and at
length reached the summit of a river boy's ambition in a Mississippi
steamboat in learning the business of a pilot. It is to this experience
that the world is indebted for some of the most amusing, the most
real and valuable, and the most imaginative writing of this century,
which gives the character and interest and individuality to this great
Western river that history has given to the Nile. If he had no other
title to fame, he could rest securely on his reputation as the prose
poet of the Mississippi. Upon the breaking out of the war the river
business was suspended. Mr. Clemens tried the occupation of war
for a few weeks, on the Confederate de, in a volunteer squad which
does not seem to have come into collision with anything but scant
rations and imaginary alarms; and then he went to Nevada with his
brother, who had been appointed secretary of that Territory. Here
he became connected with the Territorial Enterprise, a Virginia City
newspaper, as a reporter and sketch-writer, and immediately opened
a battery of good-natured and exaggerated and complimentary de-
scription that was vastly amusing to those who were not its targets.


## p. 3788 (#150) ###########################################

3788
SAMUEL LANGHORNE CLEMENS
Afterwards he drifted to the Coast, tried mining, and then joined that
group of young writers who illustrated the early history of California.
A short voyage in the Sandwich Islands gave him new material for
his pen, and he made a successful début in San Francisco as a
humorous lecturer.
The first writing to attract general attention was 'The Jump-
ing Frog of Calaveras,' which was republished with several other
sketches in book form in New York. Shortly after this he joined
the excursion of the Quaker City steamship to the Orient, wrote let-
ters about it to American newspapers, and advertised it quite beyond
the expectations of its projectors. These letters, collected and re-
vised, became The Innocents Abroad,' which instantly gave him a
world-wide reputation. This was followed by 'Roughing It,' most
amusing episodes of frontier life. His pen became immediately in
great demand, and innumerable sketches flowed from it, many of them
recklessly exaggerated for the effect he wished to produce; always
laughter-provoking, and nearly always having a wholesome element
of satire of some sham or pretense or folly. For some time he had
charge of a humorous department in the Galaxy Magazine. These
sketches and others that followed were from time to time collected
into volumes which had a great sale. About this time he married,
and permanently settled in Hartford, where he began the collection
of a library, set himself to biographical and historical study, made
incursions into German and French, and prepared himself for the
more serious work that was before him.
A second sojourn in Europe produced A Tramp Abroad,' full of
stories and adventures, much in the spirit of his original effort. But
with more reading, reflection, and search into his own experiences,
came Old Times on the Mississippi,' Tom Sawyer,' and 'Huckle-
berry Finn,' in which the author wrote out of his own heart. To
interest in social problems must be attributed the beautiful idyl of
'The Prince and the Pauper,' and 'The Yankee at the Court of King
Arthur,' which latter the English thought lacked reverence for the
traditions of chivalry.
During all this period Mr. Clemens was in great demand as a lec-
turer and an after-dinner speaker. His remarks about New England
weather, at a New England dinner in New York, are a favorite exam-
ple of his humor and his power of poetic description. As a lecturer,
a teller of stories, and delineator of character, he had scarcely a
rival in his ability to draw and entertain vast audiences. He made
a large income from his lectures in America and in England, and
from his books, which always had a phenomenally large sale. Very
remunerative also was the play of Colonel Sellers,' constructed out
of a novel called 'The Gilded Age. '
(


## p. 3789 (#151) ###########################################

SAMUEL LANGHORNE CLEMENS
3789
Since 1890 Mr. Clemens and his family have lived most of the
time in Europe.
For some time before he had written little, but
since that his pen has again become active. He has produced many
magazine papers, a story called 'Pudd'nhead Wilson,' and the most
serious and imaginative work of his life in The Personal Recollec-
tions of Joan of Arc,' feigned to be translated from a contemporary
memoir left by her private secretary. In it the writer strikes the
universal chords of sympathy and pathos and heroic elevation.
1895-6 he made a lecturing tour of the globe, speaking in Australia,
New Zealand, South Africa, and India, and everywhere received an
ovation due to his commanding reputation. He is understood to be
making this journey the subject of another book.
In
Mr. Clemens is universally recognized as the first of living humor-
ists; but if the fashion of humor changes, as change it may, he will
remain for other qualities- certain primordial qualities such as are
exhibited in his work on the Mississippi-a force to be reckoned
with in the literature of this century. Mr. Clemens's humor has the
stamp of universality, which is the one indispensable thing in all
enduring literary productions, and his books have been translated
and very widely diffused and read in German, French, and other
languages. This is a prophecy of his lasting place in the world of
letters.
THE CHILD OF CALAMITY
From 'Life on the Mississippi': copyright 1883, by James R. Osgood and
Company
BY
Y WAY of illustrating keelboat talk and manners, and that
now departed and hardly remembered raft life, I will throw
in, in this place, a chapter from a book which I have been
working at by fits and starts during the past five or six years,
and may possibly finish in the course of five or six more. The
book is a story which details some passages in the life of an
ignorant village boy, Huck Finn, son of the town drunkard of
my time out West there. He has run away from his persecut-
ing father, and from a persecuting good widow who wishes to
make a nice truth-telling respectable boy of him; and with him
a slave of the widow's has also escaped. They have found at
fragment of a lumber raft (it is high water and dead summer-
time), and are floating down the river by night and hiding in
the willows by day,-bound for Cairo,- whence the negro will
seek freedom in the heart of the free States. But in a fog, they


## p. 3790 (#152) ###########################################

3790
SAMUEL LANGHORNE CLEMENS
pass Cairo without knowing it. By-and-by they begin to sus-
pect the truth, and Huck Finn is persuaded to end the dismal
suspense by swimming down to a huge raft which they have
seen in the distance ahead of them, creeping aboard under cover
of the darkness, and gathering the needed information by eaves-
dropping:-
But you know a young person can't wait very well when he
is impatient to find a thing out. We talked it over, and by-and-
by Jim said it was such a black night now that it wouldn't be
no risk to swim down to the big raft and crawl aboard and
listen, they would talk about Cairo, because they would be cal-
culating to go ashore there for a spree, maybe, or anyway they
would send boats ashore to buy whisky or fresh meat or some-
thing.
Jim had a wonderful level head, for a nigger: he could
'most always start a good plan when you wanted one.
I stood up and shook my rags off and jumped into the river,
and struck out for the raft's light. By-and-by, when I got down
nearly to her, I eased up and went slow and cautious. But
everything was all right-nobody at the sweeps. So I swum
down along the raft till I was 'most abreast the camp fire in the
middle, then I crawled aboard and inched along and got in
amongst some bundles of shingles on the weather side of the
fire. There was thirteen men there - they was the watch on
deck, of course. And a mighty rough-looking lot too. They
had a jug, and tin cups, and they kept the jug moving. One
man was singing-roaring, you may say; and it wasn't a nice
song for a parlor anyway. He roared through his nose, and
strung out the last word of every line very long. When he was
done they all fetched a kind of Injun war-whoop, and then
another was sung. It begun:-
―
―
"There was a woman in our towdn,
In our towdn did dwed'l (dwell),
She loved her husband dear-i-lee,
But another man twyste as wedl.
"Singing too, riloo, riloo, riloo,
Ri-loo, riloo, rilay - - - e,
She loved her husband dear-i-lee,
But another man twyste as wed'1. "
And so on
―
- fourteen verses. It was kind of poor, and when he
was going to start on the next verse one of them said it was


## p. 3791 (#153) ###########################################

SAMUEL LANGHORNE CLEMENS
3791
the tune the old cow died on; and another one said, "Oh, give
us a rest. " And another one told him to take a walk. They
made fun of him till he got mad and jumped up and begun to
cuss the crowd, and said he could lam any thief in the lot.
They was all about to make a break for him, but the biggest
man there jumped up and says:-
"Set whar you are, gentlemen.
Leave him to me; he's my
meat.
Then he jumped up in the air three times and cracked his
heels together every time. He flung off a buckskin coat that
was all hung with fringes, and says, "You lay thar tell the
chawin-up's done;" and flung his hat down, which was all over
ribbons, and says, "You lay thar tell his sufferins is over. "
Then he jumped up in the air and cracked his heels together
again and shouted out:-
―――――
-
Whoo-oop! I'm the old original iron-jawed, brass-mounted,
copper-bellied corpse-maker from the wilds of Arkansaw! - Look
at me! I'm the man they call Sudden Death and General Deso-
lation! Sired by a hurricane, dam'd by an earthquake, half-
brother to the cholera, nearly related to the small-pox on the
mother's side! Look at me! I take nineteen alligators and a
bar' of whisky for breakfast when I'm in robust health, and a
bushel of rattlesnakes and a dead body when I'm ailing! I
split the everlasting rocks with my glance, and I squench the
thunder when I speak! Whoo-oop! Stand back and give me
room according to my strength! Blood's my natural drink, and
the wails of the dying is music to my ear! Cast your eye on
me, gentlemen! - and lay low and hold your breath, for I'm
'bout to turn myself loose! "
All the time he was getting this off, he was shaking his head
and looking fierce and kind of swelling around in a little circle,
tucking up his wrist-bands and now and then straightening up
and beating his breast with his fist, saying "Look at me, gen-
tlemen! " When he got through he jumped up and cracked his
heels together three times, and let off a roaring "Whoo-oop!
I'm the bloodiest son of a wildcat that lives! "
Then the man that had started the row tilted his old slouch
hat down over his right eye; then he bent stooping forward,
with his back sagged and his south end sticking out far, and his
fists a-shoving out and drawing in in front of him, and so went
around in a little circle about three times, swelling himself up


## p. 3792 (#154) ###########################################

SAMUEL LANGHORNE CLEMENS
3792
and breathing hard. Then he straightened, and jumped up and
cracked his heels together three times before he lit again (that
made them cheer), and he begun to shout like this:-
"Whoo-oop! bow your neck and spread, for the kingdom of
sorrow's a-coming! Hold me down to the earth, for I feel my
powers a-working! whoo-oop! I'm a child of sin; don't let me
get a start! Smoked glass, here, for all! Don't attempt to look
at me with the naked eye, gentlemen! When I'm playful I use
the meridians of longitude and parallels of latitude for a seine,
and drag the Atlantic Ocean for whales! I scratch my head
with the lightning and purr myself to sleep with the thunder!
When I'm cold I bile the Gulf of Mexico and bathe in it; when
I'm hot I fan myself with an equinoctial storm; when I'm thirsty
I reach up and suck a cloud dry like a sponge; when I range
the earth hungry, famine follows in my tracks! Whoo-oop! Bow
your neck and spread! I put my hand on the sun's face and
make it night in the earth; I bite a piece out of the moon and
hurry the seasons; I shake myself and crumble the mountains!
Contemplate me through leather- don't use the naked eye! I'm
the man with a petrified heart and biler-iron bowels! The massa-
cre of isolated communities is the pastime of my idle moments,
the destruction of nationalities the serious business of my life!
The boundless vastness of the great American desert is my
inclosed property, and I bury my dead on my own premises! "
He jumped up and cracked his heels together three times before
he lit (they cheered him again), and as he came down he shouted
out: "Whoo-oop! bow your neck and spread, for the pet child of
calamity's a-coming! "
Then the other one went to swelling around and blowing
again the first one the one they called Bob; next, the Child
of Calamity chipped in again, bigger than ever; then they both
got at it at the same time, swelling round and round each other
and punching their fists 'most into each other's faces, and whoop-
ing and jawing like Injuns; then Bob called the Child names,
and the Child called him names back again: next, Bob called
him a heap rougher names, and the Child come back at him with
the very worst kind of language; next, Bob knocked the Child's
hat off, and the Child picked it up and kicked Bob's ribbony hat
about six foot; Bob went and got it and said never mind, this
warn't going to be the last of this thing, because he was a man
that never forgot and never forgive, and so the Child better look
--
-
―


## p. 3793 (#155) ###########################################

SAMUEL LANGHORNE CLEMENS
3793
out; for there was a time a-coming, just as sure as he was a
living man, that he would have to answer to him with the best
blood in his body. The Child said no man was willinger than
he was for that time to come, and he would give Bob fair warn-
ing, now, never to cross his path again, for he could never rest
till he had waded in his blood; for such was his nature, though
he was sparing him now on account of his family, if he had one.
Both of them was edging away in different directions, growl-
ing and shaking their heads and going on about what they was
going to do; but a little black-whiskered chap skipped up and
says:
"Come back here, you couple of chicken-livered cowards, and
I'll thrash the two of ye! "
And he done it, too. He snatched them, he jerked them this
way and that, he booted them around, he knocked them sprawl-
ing faster than they could get up. Why, it warn't two minutes.
till they begged like dogs-and how the other lot did yell and
laugh and clap their hands all the way through, and shout "Sail
in, Corpse-Maker! " "Hi! at him again, Child of Calamity! "
"Bully for you, little Davy! " Well, it was a perfect pow-wow
for a while. Bob and the Child had red noses and black eyes
when they got through. Little Davy made them own up that
they was sneaks and cowards, and not fit to eat with a dog or
drink with a nigger; then Bob and the Child shook hands with
each other very solemn, and said they had always respected
each other and was willing to let bygones be bygones. So then
they washed their faces in the river; and just then there was a
loud order to stand by for a crossing, and some of them went
forward to man the sweeps there, and the rest went aft to han-
dle the after-sweeps.
VII-238


## p. 3794 (#156) ###########################################

3794
SAMUEL LANGHORNE CLEMENS
A STEAMBOAT LANDING AT A SMALL TOWN
From 'Life on the Mississippi': copyright 1883, by James R. Osgood and
Company
―――――
Ο
NCE a day a cheap gaudy packet arrived upward from St.
Louis, and another downward from Keokuk, Before these
events, the day was glorious with expectancy; after them,
the day was a dead and empty thing. Not only the boys but
the whole village felt this. After all these years I can picture
that old time to myself now, just as it was then: the white town
drowsing in the sunshine of a summer's morning; the streets
empty, or pretty nearly so; one or two clerks sitting in front of
the Water Street stores, with their splint-bottomed chairs tilted
back against the wall, chins on breasts, hats slouched over their
faces, asleep with shingle-shavings enough around to show
what broke them down; a sow and a litter of pigs loafing along
the sidewalk, doing a good business in watermelon rinds and
seeds; two or three lonely little freight piles scattered about the
"levee "; a pile of "skids" on the slope of the stone-paved
wharf, and the fragrant town drunkard asleep in the shadow of
them; two or three wood flats at the head of the wharf, but no-
body to listen to the peaceful lapping of the wavelets against
them; the great Mississippi, the majestic, the magnificent Missis-
sippi, rolling its mile-wide tide along, shining in the sun; the
dense forest away on the other side; the "point" above the
town and the "point" below, bounding the river-glimpse and
turning it into a sort of sea, and withal a very still and brilliant
and lonely one. Presently a film of dark smoke appears above
one of those remote "points"; instantly a negro drayman, fa-
mous for his quick eye and prodigious voice, lifts up the cry,
"S-t-e-a-m-boat a-comin'! " and the scene changes! The town
drunkard stirs, the clerks wake up, a furious clatter of drays
follows, every house and store pours out a human contribution,
and all in a twinkling the dead town is alive and moving.
Drays, carts, men, boys, all go hurrying from many quarters to
a common centre, the wharf. Assembled there, the people fasten
their eyes upon the coming boat, as upon a wonder they are see-
ing for the first time. And the boat is rather a handsome sight
She is long and sharp and trim and pretty; she has two
tall fancy-topped chimneys, with a gilded device of some kind
too.


## p. 3795 (#157) ###########################################

SAMUEL LANGHORNE CLEMENS
3795
swung between them; a fanciful pilot-house, all glass and "gin-
gerbread," perched on top of the "texas" deck behind them; the
paddle-boxes are gorgeous with a picture or with gilded rays
above the boat's name; the boiler deck, the hurricane deck, and
the texas deck are fenced and ornamented with clean white rail-
ings; there is a flag gallantly flying from the jack-staff; the fur-
nace doors are open and the fires glaring bravely; the upper
decks are black with passengers; the captain stands by the big
bell, calm, imposing, the envy of all; great volumes of the black-
est smoke are rolling and tumbling out of the chimneys — a
husbanded grandeur created with a bit of pitch-pine just before
arriving at a town; the crew are grouped on the forecastle; the
broad stage is run far out over the port bow, and an envied
deck hand stands picturesquely on the end of it with a coil of
rope in his hand; the pent steam is screaming through the
gauge-cocks; the captain lifts his hand, a bell rings, the wheels
stop; then they turn back, churning the water to a foam, and
the steamer is at rest. Then such a scramble as there is to get
aboard, and to get ashore, and to take in freight and to dis-
charge freight, all at one and the same time; and such a yelling
and cursing as the mates facilitate it all with! Ten minutes
later the steamer is under way again, with no flag on the jack-
staff and no black smoke issuing from the chimneys. After ten
more minutes the town is dead again, and the town drunkard
asleep by the skids once more.
THE HIGH RIVER: AND A PHANTOM PILOT
From 'Life on the Mississippi': copyright 1883, by James R. Osgood and
Company
D
URING this big rise these small-fry craft were an intolerable
nuisance. We were running chute after chute,- a new
world to me, and if there was a particularly cramped
place in a chute, we would be pretty sure to meet a broad-horn
there; and if he failed to be there, we would find him in a still
worse locality, namely, the head of the chute, on the shoal
water. And then there would be no end of profane cordialities
exchanged.
――――
Sometimes, in the big river, when we would be feeling our
way cautiously along through a fog, the deep hush would sud-


## p. 3796 (#158) ###########################################

3796
SAMUEL LANGHORNE CLEMENS
denly be broken by yells and a clamor of tin pans, and all in an
instant a log raft would appear vaguely through the webby veil,
close upon us; and then we did not wait to swap knives, but
snatched our engine bells out by the roots and piled on all the
steam we had, to scramble out of the way! One doesn't hit a
rock or a solid log raft with a steamboat when he can get ex-
cused.
You will hardly believe it, but many steamboat clerks always
carried a large assortment of religious tracts with them in those
old departed steamboating days. Indeed they did. Twenty times
a day we would be cramping up around a bar, while a string of
these small-fry rascals were drifting down into the head of the
bend away above and beyond us a couple of miles. Now a skiff
would dart away from one of them, and come fighting its labori-
ous way across the desert of water. It would «< ease all," in the
shadow of our forecastle, and the panting oarsmen would shout,
"Gimme a pa-a-per! >>
as the skiff drifted swiftly astern. The
clerk would throw over a file of New Orleans journals. If these
were picked up without comment, you might notice that now a
dozen other skiffs had been drifting down upon us without say-
ing anything. You understand, they had been waiting to see
how No. I was going to fare. No. 1 making no comment, all
the rest would bend to their oars and come on now; and as fast
as they came the clerk would heave over neat bundles of reli-
gious tracts, tied to shingles. The amount of hard swearing which
twelve packages of religious literature will command when im-
partially divided up among twelve raftsmen's crews, who have
pulled a heavy skiff two miles on a hot day to get them, is
simply incredible.
As I have said, the big rise brought a new world under my
vision. By the time the river was over its banks we had for-
saken our old paths and were hourly climbing over bars that
had stood ten feet out of water before; we were shaving stumpy
shores, like that at the foot of Madrid Bend, which I had always
seen avoided before; we were clattering through chutes like that
of 82, where the opening at the foot was an unbroken wall of
timber till our nose was almost at the very spot. Some of these
chutes were utter solitudes. The dense untouched forest over-
hung both banks of the crooked little crack, and one could
believe that human creatures had never intruded there before.
The swinging grapevines, the grassy nooks and vistas, glimpsed


## p. 3797 (#159) ###########################################

SAMUEL LANGHORNE CLEMENS
3797
as we swept by, the flowering creepers waving their red blos-
soms from the tops of dead trunks, and all the spendthrift rich-
ness of the forest foliage, were wasted and thrown away there.
The chutes were lovely places to steer in; they were deep, except
at the head; the current was gentle; under the "points" the
water was absolutely dead, and the invisible banks so bluff that
where the tender willow thickets projected you could bury your
boat's broadside in them as you tore along, and then you seemed
fairly to fly.
Behind other islands we found wretched little farms and
wretcheder little log cabins; there were crazy rail fences sticking
a foot or two above the water, with one or two jeans-clad, chills-
racked, yellow-faced male miserables roosting on the top rail,
elbows on knees, jaws in hands, grinding tobacco and discharg-
ing the result at floating chips through crevices left by lost
teeth; while the rest of the family and the few farm animals
were huddled together in an empty wood flat riding at her moor-
ings close at hand. In this flatboat the family would have to
cook and eat and sleep for a lesser or greater number of days
(or possibly weeks), until the river should fall two or three feet.
and let them get back to their log cabin and their chills again—
chills being a merciful provision of an all-wise Providence to en-
able them to take exercise without exertion. And this sort of
watery camping out was a thing which these people were rather
liable to be treated to a couple of times a year: by the Decem-
ber rise out of the Ohio, and the June rise out of the Missis-
sippi. And yet these were kindly dispensations, for they at least
enabled the poor things to rise from the dead now and then,
and look upon life when a steamboat went by. They appreciated
the blessing too, for they spread their mouths and eyes wide
open and made the most of these occasions. Now what could
these banished creatures find to do to keep from dying of the
blues during the low-water season!
Once in one of these lovely island chutes we found our
course completely bridged by a great fallen tree. This will
serve to show how narrow some of the chutes were.
The pas-
sengers had an hour's recreation in a virgin wilderness while the
boat hands chopped the bridge away; for there was no such
thing as turning back, you comprehend.
From Cairo to Baton Rouge, when the river is over its
banks, you have no particular trouble in the night, for the


## p. 3798 (#160) ###########################################

3798
SAMUEL LANGHORNE CLEMENS
thousand-mile wall of dense forest that guards the two banks all
the way is only gapped with a farm or wood-yard opening at
intervals, and so you can't "get out of the river» much easier
than you could get out of a fenced lane; but from Baton Rouge
to New Orleans it is a different matter. The river is more than
a mile wide, and very deep-as much as two hundred feet, in
places.
Both banks, for a good deal over a hundred miles, are
shorn of their timber and bordered by continuous sugar planta-
tions, with only here and there a scattering sapling or row of
ornamental China-trees. The timber is shorn off clear to the
rear of the plantations, from two to four miles. When the first
frost threatens to come, the planters snatch off their crops in a
hurry. When they have finished grinding the cane, they form
the refuse of the stalks (which they call bagasse) into great piles
and set fire to them, though in other sugar countries the ba-
gasse is used for fuel in the furnaces of the sugar-mills. Now
the piles of damp bagasse burn slowly, and smoke like Satan's
own kitchen.
An embankment ten or fifteen feet high guards both banks
of the Mississippi all the way down that lower end of the river,
and this embankment is set back from the edge of the shore
from ten to perhaps a hundred feet, according to circumstances;
say thirty or forty feet as a general thing. Fill that whole
region with an impenetrable gloom of smoke from a hundred
miles of burning bagasse piles, when the river is over the banks,
and turn a steamboat loose along there at midnight and see how
she will feel. And see how you will feel too! You find your-
self away out in the midst of a vague dim sea that is shoreless,
that fades out and loses itself in the murky distances; for you
cannot discern the thin rib of embankment, and you are always
imagining you see a straggling tree when you don't. The plan-
tations themselves are transformed by the smoke and look like a
part of the sea. All through your watch you are tortured with
the exquisite misery of uncertainty. You hope you are keeping
in the river, but you do not know. All that you are sure about
is that you are likely to be within six feet of the bank and de-
struction, when you think you are a good half-mile from shore.
And you are sure also that if you chance suddenly to fetch up
against the embankment and topple your chimneys overboard, you
will have the small comfort of knowing that it is about what
you were expecting to do. One of the great Vicksburg packets


## p. 3799 (#161) ###########################################

SAMUEL LANGHORNE CLEMENS
379. 9
darted out into a sugar plantation one night, at such a time, and
had to stay there a week. But there was no novelty about it: it
had often been done before.
I thought I had finished this chapter, but I wish to add a
curious thing while it is in my mind. It is only relevant in
that it is connected with piloting. There used to be an excel-
lent pilot on the river, a Mr. X. , who was a somnambulist. It
was said that if his mind was troubled about a bad piece of
river, he was pretty sure to get up and walk in his sleep and
do strange things. He was once fellow pilot for a trip or two
with George Ealer, on a great New Orleans passenger packet.
During a considerable part of the first trip George was uneasy,
but got over it by-and-by, as X. seemed content to stay in his
bed when asleep. Late one night the boat was approaching
Helena, Arkansas; the water was low, and the crossing above
the town in a very blind and tangled condition. X. had seen
the crossing since Ealer had, and as the night was particularly
drizzly, sullen, and dark, Ealer was considering whether he had
not better have X. called to assist in running the place, when
the door opened and X. walked in. Now on very dark nights,
light is a deadly enemy to piloting; you are aware that if you
stand in a lighted room on such a night, you cannot see things
in the street to any purpose; but if you put out the lights and
stand in the gloom you can make out objects in the street pretty
well. So on very dark nights pilots do not smoke; they allow
no fire in the pilot-house stove if there is a crack which can
allow the least ray to escape; they order the furnaces to be
curtained with huge tarpaulins and the skylights to be closely
blinded. Then no light whatever issues from the boat. The
undefinable shape that now entered the pilot-house had Mr. X. 's
voice. This said: :-
"Let me take her, George; I've seen this place since you
have, and it is so crooked that I reckon I can run it myself
easier than I could tell you how to do it. "
"It is kind of you, and I swear I am willing. I haven't got
another drop of perspiration left in me. I have been spinning
around and around the wheel like a squirrel. It is so dark I
can't tell which way she is swinging till she is coming around
like a whirligig. "
So Ealer took a seat on the bench, panting and breathless.
The black phantom assumed the wheel without saying anything,


## p. 3800 (#162) ###########################################

3800
SAMUEL LANGHORNE CLEMENS
steadied the waltzing steamer with a turn or two, and then stood
at ease, coaxing her a little to this side and then to that, as
gently and as sweetly as if the time had been noonday. When
Ealer observed this marvel of steering, he wished he had not
confessed! He stared and wondered, and finally said: -
"Well, I thought I knew how to steer a steamboat, but that
was another mistake of mine. "
X. said nothing, but went serenely on with his work. He
rang for the leads; he rang to slow down the steam; he worked
the boat carefully and neatly into invisible marks, then stood at
the centre of the wheel and peered blandly out into the black-
ness, fore and aft, to verify his position; as the leads shoaled
more and more, he stopped the engines entirely, and the dead.
silence and suspense of "drifting" followed; when the shoalest
water was struck, he cracked on the steam, carried her hand-
somely over, and then began to work her warily into the next
system of shoal marks; the same patient, heedful use of leads.
and engines followed, the boat slipped through without touching
bottom, and entered upon the third and last intricacy of the
crossing; imperceptibly she moved through the gloom, crept by
inches into her marks, drifted tediously till the shoalest water
was cried, and then, under a tremendous head of steam, went
swinging over the reef and away into deep water and safety!
Ealer let his long-pent breath pour out in a great relieving
sigh, and said: -
"That's the sweetest piece of piloting that was ever done on
the Mississippi River! I wouldn't believed it could be done, if I
hadn't seen it. "
There was no reply, and he added:-
"Just hold her five minutes longer, partner, and let me run
down and get a cup of coffee. "
A minute later Ealer was biting into a pie, down in the
"texas," and comforting himself with coffee. Just then the
night watchman happened in, and was about to happen out
again, when he noticed Ealer and exclaimed: -
"Who is at the wheel, sir? "
"X. "
"Dart for the pilot-house, quicker than lightning!
The next moment both men were flying up the pilot-house
companion-way, three steps at a jump! Nobody there! The
great steamer was whistling down the middle of the river at
>>


## p. 3801 (#163) ###########################################

SAMUEL LANGHORNE CLEMENS
3801
her own sweet will! The watchman shot out of the place again;
Ealer seized the wheel, set the engine back with power, and held
his breath while the boat reluctantly swung away from a «< tow-
head" which she was about to knock into the middle of the Gulf
of Mexico!
By-and-by the watchman came back and said:
"Didn't that lunatic tell you he was asleep when he first
came up here ? »
“No. ”
"Well, he was. I found him walking along on top of the
railings, just as unconcerned as
as another man would walk a
pavement; and I put him to bed; now just this minute there
he was again, away astern, going through that sort of tight-
rope deviltry the same as before. "
"Well, I think I'll stay by, next time he has one of those
fits.