No More Learning

I cannot bear it. ” But he was still talking on, describing
his affection, soliciting a return, and, finally, in words so plain as
to bear but one meaning even to her, offering himself, hand, fortune,
everything, to her acceptance. It was so; he had said it. Her
astonishment and confusion increased; and though still not knowing
how to suppose him serious, she could hardly stand. He pressed for an
answer.

“No, no, no! ” she cried, hiding her face. “This is all nonsense. Do not
distress me. I can hear no more of this. Your kindness to William makes
me more obliged to you than words can express; but I do not want, I
cannot bear, I must not listen to such--No, no, don’t think of me. But
you are _not_ thinking of me. I know it is all nothing. ”

She had burst away from him, and at that moment Sir Thomas was heard
speaking to a servant in his way towards the room they were in. It was
no time for farther assurances or entreaty, though to part with her at
a moment when her modesty alone seemed, to his sanguine and preassured
mind, to stand in the way of the happiness he sought, was a cruel
necessity. She rushed out at an opposite door from the one her uncle
was approaching, and was walking up and down the East room in the
utmost confusion of contrary feeling, before Sir Thomas’s politeness
or apologies were over, or he had reached the beginning of the joyful
intelligence which his visitor came to communicate.

She was feeling, thinking, trembling about everything; agitated, happy,
miserable, infinitely obliged, absolutely angry. It was all beyond
belief! He was inexcusable, incomprehensible! But such were his habits
that he could do nothing without a mixture of evil. He had previously
made her the happiest of human beings, and now he had insulted--she knew
not what to say, how to class, or how to regard it. She would not have
him be serious, and yet what could excuse the use of such words and
offers, if they meant but to trifle?

But William was a lieutenant. _That_ was a fact beyond a doubt, and
without an alloy. She would think of it for ever and forget all the
rest. Mr. Crawford would certainly never address her so again: he must
have seen how unwelcome it was to her; and in that case, how gratefully
she could esteem him for his friendship to William!

She would not stir farther from the East room than the head of the great
staircase, till she had satisfied herself of Mr. Crawford’s having left
the house; but when convinced of his being gone, she was eager to go
down and be with her uncle, and have all the happiness of his joy
as well as her own, and all the benefit of his information or his
conjectures as to what would now be William’s destination. Sir Thomas
was as joyful as she could desire, and very kind and communicative; and
she had so comfortable a talk with him about William as to make her
feel as if nothing had occurred to vex her, till she found, towards the
close, that Mr. Crawford was engaged to return and dine there that
very day. This was a most unwelcome hearing, for though he might think
nothing of what had passed, it would be quite distressing to her to see
him again so soon.

She tried to get the better of it; tried very hard, as the dinner hour
approached, to feel and appear as usual; but it was quite impossible for
her not to look most shy and uncomfortable when their visitor entered
the room. She could not have supposed it in the power of any concurrence
of circumstances to give her so many painful sensations on the first day
of hearing of William’s promotion.

Mr. Crawford was not only in the room--he was soon close to her. He
had a note to deliver from his sister. Fanny could not look at him, but
there was no consciousness of past folly in his voice. She opened her
note immediately, glad to have anything to do, and happy, as she read
it, to feel that the fidgetings of her aunt Norris, who was also to dine
there, screened her a little from view.

“My dear Fanny,--for so I may now always call you, to the infinite
relief of a tongue that has been stumbling at _Miss_ _Price_ for at
least the last six weeks--I cannot let my brother go without sending you
a few lines of general congratulation, and giving my most joyful consent
and approval. Go on, my dear Fanny, and without fear; there can be no
difficulties worth naming. I chuse to suppose that the assurance of my
consent will be something; so you may smile upon him with your sweetest
smiles this afternoon, and send him back to me even happier than he
goes. --Yours affectionately, M. C. ”

These were not expressions to do Fanny any good; for though she read
in too much haste and confusion to form the clearest judgment of Miss
Crawford’s meaning, it was evident that she meant to compliment her on
her brother’s attachment, and even to _appear_ to believe it serious.
She did not know what to do, or what to think. There was wretchedness in
the idea of its being serious; there was perplexity and agitation every
way. She was distressed whenever Mr. Crawford spoke to her, and he spoke
to her much too often; and she was afraid there was a something in his
voice and manner in addressing her very different from what they were
when he talked to the others. Her comfort in that day’s dinner was
quite destroyed: she could hardly eat anything; and when Sir Thomas
good-humouredly observed that joy had taken away her appetite, she
was ready to sink with shame, from the dread of Mr. Crawford’s
interpretation; for though nothing could have tempted her to turn
her eyes to the right hand, where he sat, she felt that _his_ were
immediately directed towards her.

She was more silent than ever. She would hardly join even when William
was the subject, for his commission came all from the right hand too,
and there was pain in the connexion.

She thought Lady Bertram sat longer than ever, and began to be in
despair of ever getting away; but at last they were in the drawing-room,
and she was able to think as she would, while her aunts finished the
subject of William’s appointment in their own style.

Mrs. Norris seemed as much delighted with the saving it would be to
Sir Thomas as with any part of it. “_Now_ William would be able to keep
himself, which would make a vast difference to his uncle, for it was
unknown how much he had cost his uncle; and, indeed, it would make some
difference in _her_ presents too. She was very glad that she had given
William what she did at parting, very glad, indeed, that it had been in
her power, without material inconvenience, just at that time to give him
something rather considerable; that is, for _her_, with _her_ limited
means, for now it would all be useful in helping to fit up his cabin.
She knew he must be at some expense, that he would have many things to
buy, though to be sure his father and mother would be able to put him in
the way of getting everything very cheap; but she was very glad she had
contributed her mite towards it. ”

“I am glad you gave him something considerable,” said Lady Bertram, with
most unsuspicious calmness, “for _I_ gave him only 10 pounds. ”

“Indeed! ” cried Mrs. Norris, reddening. “Upon my word, he must have gone
off with his pockets well lined, and at no expense for his journey to
London either! ”

“Sir Thomas told me 10 pounds would be enough. ”

Mrs. Norris, being not at all inclined to question its sufficiency,
began to take the matter in another point.

“It is amazing,” said she, “how much young people cost their friends,
what with bringing them up and putting them out in the world! They
little think how much it comes to, or what their parents, or their
uncles and aunts, pay for them in the course of the year. Now, here are
my sister Price’s children; take them all together, I dare say nobody
would believe what a sum they cost Sir Thomas every year, to say nothing
of what _I_ do for them. ”

“Very true, sister, as you say. But, poor things! they cannot help
it; and you know it makes very little difference to Sir Thomas. Fanny,
William must not forget my shawl if he goes to the East Indies; and I
shall give him a commission for anything else that is worth having. I
wish he may go to the East Indies, that I may have my shawl. I think I
will have two shawls, Fanny. ”

Fanny, meanwhile, speaking only when she could not help it, was very
earnestly trying to understand what Mr. and Miss Crawford were at. There
was everything in the world _against_ their being serious but his words
and manner. Everything natural, probable, reasonable, was against it;
all their habits and ways of thinking, and all her own demerits. How
could _she_ have excited serious attachment in a man who had seen so
many, and been admired by so many, and flirted with so many, infinitely
her superiors; who seemed so little open to serious impressions, even
where pains had been taken to please him; who thought so slightly, so
carelessly, so unfeelingly on all such points; who was everything to
everybody, and seemed to find no one essential to him? And farther,
how could it be supposed that his sister, with all her high and worldly
notions of matrimony, would be forwarding anything of a serious nature
in such a quarter? Nothing could be more unnatural in either. Fanny
was ashamed of her own doubts. Everything might be possible rather than
serious attachment, or serious approbation of it toward her. She had
quite convinced herself of this before Sir Thomas and Mr. Crawford
joined them. The difficulty was in maintaining the conviction quite so
absolutely after Mr. Crawford was in the room; for once or twice a
look seemed forced on her which she did not know how to class among the
common meaning; in any other man, at least, she would have said that
it meant something very earnest, very pointed. But she still tried to
believe it no more than what he might often have expressed towards her
cousins and fifty other women.

She thought he was wishing to speak to her unheard by the rest. She
fancied he was trying for it the whole evening at intervals, whenever
Sir Thomas was out of the room, or at all engaged with Mrs. Norris, and
she carefully refused him every opportunity.

At last--it seemed an at last to Fanny’s nervousness, though not
remarkably late--he began to talk of going away; but the comfort of the
sound was impaired by his turning to her the next moment, and saying,
“Have you nothing to send to Mary? No answer to her note? She will be
disappointed if she receives nothing from you. Pray write to her, if it
be only a line. ”

“Oh yes! certainly,” cried Fanny, rising in haste, the haste of
embarrassment and of wanting to get away--“I will write directly. ”

She went accordingly to the table, where she was in the habit of writing
for her aunt, and prepared her materials without knowing what in the
world to say. She had read Miss Crawford’s note only once, and how to
reply to anything so imperfectly understood was most distressing.
Quite unpractised in such sort of note-writing, had there been time for
scruples and fears as to style she would have felt them in abundance:
but something must be instantly written; and with only one decided
feeling, that of wishing not to appear to think anything really
intended, she wrote thus, in great trembling both of spirits and hand--

“I am very much obliged to you, my dear Miss Crawford, for your kind
congratulations, as far as they relate to my dearest William. The rest
of your note I know means nothing; but I am so unequal to anything of
the sort, that I hope you will excuse my begging you to take no farther
notice. I have seen too much of Mr. Crawford not to understand his
manners; if he understood me as well, he would, I dare say, behave
differently. I do not know what I write, but it would be a great favour
of you never to mention the subject again. With thanks for the honour of
your note, I remain, dear Miss Crawford, etc. , etc. ”

The conclusion was scarcely intelligible from increasing fright, for
she found that Mr. Crawford, under pretence of receiving the note, was
coming towards her.

“You cannot think I mean to hurry you,” said he, in an undervoice,
perceiving the amazing trepidation with which she made up the note, “you
cannot think I have any such object. Do not hurry yourself, I entreat. ”

“Oh! I thank you; I have quite done, just done; it will be ready in a
moment; I am very much obliged to you; if you will be so good as to give
_that_ to Miss Crawford. ”

The note was held out, and must be taken; and as she instantly and with
averted eyes walked towards the fireplace, where sat the others, he had
nothing to do but to go in good earnest.

Fanny thought she had never known a day of greater agitation, both of
pain and pleasure; but happily the pleasure was not of a sort to die
with the day; for every day would restore the knowledge of William’s
advancement, whereas the pain, she hoped, would return no more. She had
no doubt that her note must appear excessively ill-written, that
the language would disgrace a child, for her distress had allowed no
arrangement; but at least it would assure them both of her being neither
imposed on nor gratified by Mr. Crawford’s attentions.



CHAPTER XXXII

Fanny had by no means forgotten Mr. Crawford when she awoke the next
morning; but she remembered the purport of her note, and was not less
sanguine as to its effect than she had been the night before. If Mr.
Crawford would but go away! That was what she most earnestly desired:
go and take his sister with him, as he was to do, and as he returned to
Mansfield on purpose to do. And why it was not done already she could
not devise, for Miss Crawford certainly wanted no delay. Fanny had
hoped, in the course of his yesterday’s visit, to hear the day named;
but he had only spoken of their journey as what would take place ere
long.

Having so satisfactorily settled the conviction her note would convey,
she could not but be astonished to see Mr. Crawford, as she accidentally
did, coming up to the house again, and at an hour as early as the day
before. His coming might have nothing to do with her, but she must avoid
seeing him if possible; and being then on her way upstairs, she resolved
there to remain, during the whole of his visit, unless actually sent
for; and as Mrs. Norris was still in the house, there seemed little
danger of her being wanted.

She sat some time in a good deal of agitation, listening, trembling, and
fearing to be sent for every moment; but as no footsteps approached the
East room, she grew gradually composed, could sit down, and be able to
employ herself, and able to hope that Mr. Crawford had come and would go
without her being obliged to know anything of the matter.

Nearly half an hour had passed, and she was growing very comfortable,
when suddenly the sound of a step in regular approach was heard; a heavy
step, an unusual step in that part of the house: it was her uncle’s; she
knew it as well as his voice; she had trembled at it as often, and began
to tremble again, at the idea of his coming up to speak to her, whatever
might be the subject. It was indeed Sir Thomas who opened the door and
asked if she were there, and if he might come in. The terror of his
former occasional visits to that room seemed all renewed, and she felt
as if he were going to examine her again in French and English.

She was all attention, however, in placing a chair for him, and trying
to appear honoured; and, in her agitation, had quite overlooked the
deficiencies of her apartment, till he, stopping short as he entered,
said, with much surprise, “Why have you no fire to-day? ”

There was snow on the ground, and she was sitting in a shawl. She
hesitated.

“I am not cold, sir: I never sit here long at this time of year. ”

“But you have a fire in general? ”

“No, sir. ”

“How comes this about? Here must be some mistake. I understood that you
had the use of this room by way of making you perfectly comfortable.
In your bedchamber I know you _cannot_ have a fire. Here is some great
misapprehension which must be rectified. It is highly unfit for you to
sit, be it only half an hour a day, without a fire. You are not strong.
You are chilly. Your aunt cannot be aware of this. ”

Fanny would rather have been silent; but being obliged to speak, she
could not forbear, in justice to the aunt she loved best, from saying
something in which the words “my aunt Norris” were distinguishable.

“I understand,” cried her uncle, recollecting himself, and not wanting
to hear more: “I understand. Your aunt Norris has always been an
advocate, and very judiciously, for young people’s being brought up
without unnecessary indulgences; but there should be moderation in
everything. She is also very hardy herself, which of course will
influence her in her opinion of the wants of others. And on another
account, too, I can perfectly comprehend. I know what her sentiments
have always been. The principle was good in itself, but it may have
been, and I believe _has_ _been_, carried too far in your case. I
am aware that there has been sometimes, in some points, a misplaced
distinction; but I think too well of you, Fanny, to suppose you will
ever harbour resentment on that account. You have an understanding
which will prevent you from receiving things only in part, and judging
partially by the event. You will take in the whole of the past, you
will consider times, persons, and probabilities, and you will feel that
_they_ were not least your friends who were educating and preparing you
for that mediocrity of condition which _seemed_ to be your lot. Though
their caution may prove eventually unnecessary, it was kindly meant; and
of this you may be assured, that every advantage of affluence will be
doubled by the little privations and restrictions that may have been
imposed. I am sure you will not disappoint my opinion of you, by failing
at any time to treat your aunt Norris with the respect and attention
that are due to her. But enough of this. Sit down, my dear. I must speak
to you for a few minutes, but I will not detain you long. ”

Fanny obeyed, with eyes cast down and colour rising. After a moment’s
pause, Sir Thomas, trying to suppress a smile, went on.

“You are not aware, perhaps, that I have had a visitor this morning. I
had not been long in my own room, after breakfast, when Mr. Crawford was
shewn in. His errand you may probably conjecture. ”

Fanny’s colour grew deeper and deeper; and her uncle, perceiving that
she was embarrassed to a degree that made either speaking or looking
up quite impossible, turned away his own eyes, and without any farther
pause proceeded in his account of Mr. Crawford’s visit.

Mr. Crawford’s business had been to declare himself the lover of Fanny,
make decided proposals for her, and entreat the sanction of the uncle,
who seemed to stand in the place of her parents; and he had done it all
so well, so openly, so liberally, so properly, that Sir Thomas, feeling,
moreover, his own replies, and his own remarks to have been very much
to the purpose, was exceedingly happy to give the particulars of their
conversation; and little aware of what was passing in his niece’s mind,
conceived that by such details he must be gratifying her far more than
himself. He talked, therefore, for several minutes without Fanny’s
daring to interrupt him. She had hardly even attained the wish to do it.
Her mind was in too much confusion. She had changed her position; and,
with her eyes fixed intently on one of the windows, was listening to her
uncle in the utmost perturbation and dismay. For a moment he ceased, but
she had barely become conscious of it, when, rising from his chair, he
said, “And now, Fanny, having performed one part of my commission,
and shewn you everything placed on a basis the most assured and
satisfactory, I may execute the remainder by prevailing on you to
accompany me downstairs, where, though I cannot but presume on having
been no unacceptable companion myself, I must submit to your finding
one still better worth listening to. Mr. Crawford, as you have perhaps
foreseen, is yet in the house. He is in my room, and hoping to see you
there. ”

There was a look, a start, an exclamation on hearing this, which
astonished Sir Thomas; but what was his increase of astonishment on
hearing her exclaim--“Oh! no, sir, I cannot, indeed I cannot go down to
him. Mr. Crawford ought to know--he must know that: I told him enough
yesterday to convince him; he spoke to me on this subject yesterday,
and I told him without disguise that it was very disagreeable to me, and
quite out of my power to return his good opinion. ”

“I do not catch your meaning,” said Sir Thomas, sitting down again. “Out
of your power to return his good opinion? What is all this? I know he
spoke to you yesterday, and (as far as I understand) received as much
encouragement to proceed as a well-judging young woman could permit
herself to give. I was very much pleased with what I collected to have
been your behaviour on the occasion; it shewed a discretion highly to
be commended. But now, when he has made his overtures so properly, and
honourably--what are your scruples _now_? ”

“You are mistaken, sir,” cried Fanny, forced by the anxiety of the
moment even to tell her uncle that he was wrong; “you are quite
mistaken. How could Mr. Crawford say such a thing? I gave him no
encouragement yesterday. On the contrary, I told him, I cannot recollect
my exact words, but I am sure I told him that I would not listen to him,
that it was very unpleasant to me in every respect, and that I begged
him never to talk to me in that manner again. I am sure I said as much
as that and more; and I should have said still more, if I had been quite
certain of his meaning anything seriously; but I did not like to be, I
could not bear to be, imputing more than might be intended. I thought it
might all pass for nothing with _him_. ”

She could say no more; her breath was almost gone.
“Am I to understand,” said Sir Thomas, after a few moments’ silence,
“that you mean to _refuse_ Mr. Crawford? ”

“Yes, sir. ”

“Refuse him? ”

“Yes, sir. ”

“Refuse Mr. Crawford! Upon what plea? For what reason? ”

“I--I cannot like him, sir, well enough to marry him. ”

“This is very strange! ” said Sir Thomas, in a voice of calm displeasure.
“There is something in this which my comprehension does not reach. Here
is a young man wishing to pay his addresses to you, with everything to
recommend him: not merely situation in life, fortune, and character,
but with more than common agreeableness, with address and conversation
pleasing to everybody. And he is not an acquaintance of to-day; you have
now known him some time. His sister, moreover, is your intimate friend,
and he has been doing _that_ for your brother, which I should suppose
would have been almost sufficient recommendation to you, had there been
no other. It is very uncertain when my interest might have got William
on. He has done it already. ”

“Yes,” said Fanny, in a faint voice, and looking down with fresh shame;
and she did feel almost ashamed of herself, after such a picture as her
uncle had drawn, for not liking Mr. Crawford.

“You must have been aware,” continued Sir Thomas presently, “you must
have been some time aware of a particularity in Mr. Crawford’s manners
to you. This cannot have taken you by surprise. You must have observed
his attentions; and though you always received them very properly (I
have no accusation to make on that head), I never perceived them to be
unpleasant to you. I am half inclined to think, Fanny, that you do not
quite know your own feelings. ”

“Oh yes, sir! indeed I do. His attentions were always--what I did not
like. ”

Sir Thomas looked at her with deeper surprise. “This is beyond me,”
said he. “This requires explanation. Young as you are, and having seen
scarcely any one, it is hardly possible that your affections--”

He paused and eyed her fixedly. He saw her lips formed into a _no_,
though the sound was inarticulate, but her face was like scarlet. That,
however, in so modest a girl, might be very compatible with innocence;
and chusing at least to appear satisfied, he quickly added, “No, no, I
know _that_ is quite out of the question; quite impossible. Well, there
is nothing more to be said. ”

And for a few minutes he did say nothing. He was deep in thought. His
niece was deep in thought likewise, trying to harden and prepare herself
against farther questioning. She would rather die than own the truth;
and she hoped, by a little reflection, to fortify herself beyond
betraying it.

“Independently of the interest which Mr. Crawford’s _choice_ seemed to
justify” said Sir Thomas, beginning again, and very composedly, “his
wishing to marry at all so early is recommendatory to me. I am an
advocate for early marriages, where there are means in proportion, and
would have every young man, with a sufficient income, settle as soon
after four-and-twenty as he can. This is so much my opinion, that I am
sorry to think how little likely my own eldest son, your cousin, Mr.
Bertram, is to marry early; but at present, as far as I can judge,
matrimony makes no part of his plans or thoughts. I wish he were more
likely to fix. ” Here was a glance at Fanny. “Edmund, I consider, from
his dispositions and habits, as much more likely to marry early than
his brother. _He_, indeed, I have lately thought, has seen the woman he
could love, which, I am convinced, my eldest son has not. Am I right? Do
you agree with me, my dear? ”

“Yes, sir. ”

It was gently, but it was calmly said, and Sir Thomas was easy on the
score of the cousins. But the removal of his alarm did his niece
no service: as her unaccountableness was confirmed his displeasure
increased; and getting up and walking about the room with a frown, which
Fanny could picture to herself, though she dared not lift up her eyes,
he shortly afterwards, and in a voice of authority, said, “Have you any
reason, child, to think ill of Mr. Crawford’s temper? ”

“No, sir. ”

She longed to add, “But of his principles I have”; but her heart sunk
under the appalling prospect of discussion, explanation, and probably
non-conviction. Her ill opinion of him was founded chiefly on
observations, which, for her cousins’ sake, she could scarcely dare
mention to their father. Maria and Julia, and especially Maria, were so
closely implicated in Mr. Crawford’s misconduct, that she could not give
his character, such as she believed it, without betraying them. She had
hoped that, to a man like her uncle, so discerning, so honourable, so
good, the simple acknowledgment of settled _dislike_ on her side would
have been sufficient. To her infinite grief she found it was not.

Sir Thomas came towards the table where she sat in trembling
wretchedness, and with a good deal of cold sternness, said, “It is of no
use, I perceive, to talk to you. We had better put an end to this most
mortifying conference. Mr. Crawford must not be kept longer waiting. I
will, therefore, only add, as thinking it my duty to mark my opinion of
your conduct, that you have disappointed every expectation I had formed,
and proved yourself of a character the very reverse of what I had
supposed. For I _had_, Fanny, as I think my behaviour must have shewn,
formed a very favourable opinion of you from the period of my return to
England. I had thought you peculiarly free from wilfulness of temper,
self-conceit, and every tendency to that independence of spirit which
prevails so much in modern days, even in young women, and which in young
women is offensive and disgusting beyond all common offence. But you
have now shewn me that you can be wilful and perverse; that you can and
will decide for yourself, without any consideration or deference for
those who have surely some right to guide you, without even asking their
advice. You have shewn yourself very, very different from anything that
I had imagined. The advantage or disadvantage of your family, of your
parents, your brothers and sisters, never seems to have had a moment’s
share in your thoughts on this occasion. How _they_ might be benefited,
how _they_ must rejoice in such an establishment for you, is nothing to
_you_. You think only of yourself, and because you do not feel for Mr.
Crawford exactly what a young heated fancy imagines to be necessary for
happiness, you resolve to refuse him at once, without wishing even for
a little time to consider of it, a little more time for cool
consideration, and for really examining your own inclinations; and are,
in a wild fit of folly, throwing away from you such an opportunity of
being settled in life, eligibly, honourably, nobly settled, as will,
probably, never occur to you again. Here is a young man of sense, of
character, of temper, of manners, and of fortune, exceedingly attached
to you, and seeking your hand in the most handsome and disinterested
way; and let me tell you, Fanny, that you may live eighteen years longer
in the world without being addressed by a man of half Mr. Crawford’s
estate, or a tenth part of his merits. Gladly would I have bestowed
either of my own daughters on him. Maria is nobly married; but had
Mr. Crawford sought Julia’s hand, I should have given it to him with
superior and more heartfelt satisfaction than I gave Maria’s to Mr.
Rushworth. ” After half a moment’s pause: “And I should have been very
much surprised had either of my daughters, on receiving a proposal
of marriage at any time which might carry with it only _half_ the
eligibility of _this_, immediately and peremptorily, and without paying
my opinion or my regard the compliment of any consultation, put a
decided negative on it. I should have been much surprised and much hurt
by such a proceeding. I should have thought it a gross violation of duty
and respect. _You_ are not to be judged by the same rule. You do not
owe me the duty of a child. But, Fanny, if your heart can acquit you of
_ingratitude_--”

He ceased. Fanny was by this time crying so bitterly that, angry as he
was, he would not press that article farther. Her heart was almost broke
by such a picture of what she appeared to him; by such accusations,
so heavy, so multiplied, so rising in dreadful gradation! Self-willed,
obstinate, selfish, and ungrateful. He thought her all this. She had
deceived his expectations; she had lost his good opinion. What was to
become of her?

“I am very sorry,” said she inarticulately, through her tears, “I am
very sorry indeed. ”

“Sorry! yes, I hope you are sorry; and you will probably have reason to
be long sorry for this day’s transactions. ”

“If it were possible for me to do otherwise” said she, with another
strong effort; “but I am so perfectly convinced that I could never make
him happy, and that I should be miserable myself. ”

Another burst of tears; but in spite of that burst, and in spite of that
great black word _miserable_, which served to introduce it, Sir Thomas
began to think a little relenting, a little change of inclination, might
have something to do with it; and to augur favourably from the personal
entreaty of the young man himself. He knew her to be very timid, and
exceedingly nervous; and thought it not improbable that her mind
might be in such a state as a little time, a little pressing, a little
patience, and a little impatience, a judicious mixture of all on the
lover’s side, might work their usual effect on. If the gentleman would
but persevere, if he had but love enough to persevere, Sir Thomas began
to have hopes; and these reflections having passed across his mind and
cheered it, “Well,” said he, in a tone of becoming gravity, but of less
anger, “well, child, dry up your tears. There is no use in these tears;
they can do no good. You must now come downstairs with me. Mr. Crawford
has been kept waiting too long already. You must give him your own
answer: we cannot expect him to be satisfied with less; and you only
can explain to him the grounds of that misconception of your sentiments,
which, unfortunately for himself, he certainly has imbibed. I am totally
unequal to it. ”

But Fanny shewed such reluctance, such misery, at the idea of going down
to him, that Sir Thomas, after a little consideration, judged it better
to indulge her. His hopes from both gentleman and lady suffered a small
depression in consequence; but when he looked at his niece, and saw the
state of feature and complexion which her crying had brought her
into, he thought there might be as much lost as gained by an immediate
interview. With a few words, therefore, of no particular meaning, he
walked off by himself, leaving his poor niece to sit and cry over what
had passed, with very wretched feelings.

Her mind was all disorder. The past, present, future, everything was
terrible. But her uncle’s anger gave her the severest pain of all.
Selfish and ungrateful! to have appeared so to him! She was miserable
for ever. She had no one to take her part, to counsel, or speak for her.
Her only friend was absent. He might have softened his father; but all,
perhaps all, would think her selfish and ungrateful. She might have to
endure the reproach again and again; she might hear it, or see it, or
know it to exist for ever in every connexion about her. She could not
but feel some resentment against Mr. Crawford; yet, if he really loved
her, and were unhappy too! It was all wretchedness together.

In about a quarter of an hour her uncle returned; she was almost
ready to faint at the sight of him. He spoke calmly, however, without
austerity, without reproach, and she revived a little. There was
comfort, too, in his words, as well as his manner, for he began with,
“Mr. Crawford is gone: he has just left me. I need not repeat what has
passed. I do not want to add to anything you may now be feeling, by an
account of what he has felt. Suffice it, that he has behaved in the
most gentlemanlike and generous manner, and has confirmed me in a most
favourable opinion of his understanding, heart, and temper. Upon my
representation of what you were suffering, he immediately, and with the
greatest delicacy, ceased to urge to see you for the present. ”

Here Fanny, who had looked up, looked down again. “Of course,” continued
her uncle, “it cannot be supposed but that he should request to speak
with you alone, be it only for five minutes; a request too natural,
a claim too just to be denied. But there is no time fixed; perhaps
to-morrow, or whenever your spirits are composed enough. For the present
you have only to tranquillise yourself. Check these tears; they do but
exhaust you. If, as I am willing to suppose, you wish to shew me any
observance, you will not give way to these emotions, but endeavour to
reason yourself into a stronger frame of mind. I advise you to go out:
the air will do you good; go out for an hour on the gravel; you will
have the shrubbery to yourself, and will be the better for air and
exercise. And, Fanny” (turning back again for a moment), “I shall make
no mention below of what has passed; I shall not even tell your aunt
Bertram. There is no occasion for spreading the disappointment; say
nothing about it yourself. ”

This was an order to be most joyfully obeyed; this was an act of
kindness which Fanny felt at her heart. To be spared from her aunt
Norris’s interminable reproaches! he left her in a glow of gratitude.
Anything might be bearable rather than such reproaches. Even to see Mr.
Crawford would be less overpowering.

She walked out directly, as her uncle recommended, and followed his
advice throughout, as far as she could; did check her tears; did
earnestly try to compose her spirits and strengthen her mind. She wished
to prove to him that she did desire his comfort, and sought to regain
his favour; and he had given her another strong motive for exertion, in
keeping the whole affair from the knowledge of her aunts. Not to excite
suspicion by her look or manner was now an object worth attaining; and
she felt equal to almost anything that might save her from her aunt
Norris.

She was struck, quite struck, when, on returning from her walk and going
into the East room again, the first thing which caught her eye was a
fire lighted and burning. A fire! it seemed too much; just at that time
to be giving her such an indulgence was exciting even painful gratitude.
She wondered that Sir Thomas could have leisure to think of such a
trifle again; but she soon found, from the voluntary information of the
housemaid, who came in to attend it, that so it was to be every day. Sir
Thomas had given orders for it.

“I must be a brute, indeed, if I can be really ungrateful! ” said she, in
soliloquy. “Heaven defend me from being ungrateful! ”

She saw nothing more of her uncle, nor of her aunt Norris, till they met
at dinner. Her uncle’s behaviour to her was then as nearly as possible
what it had been before; she was sure he did not mean there should be
any change, and that it was only her own conscience that could fancy
any; but her aunt was soon quarrelling with her; and when she found how
much and how unpleasantly her having only walked out without her aunt’s
knowledge could be dwelt on, she felt all the reason she had to bless
the kindness which saved her from the same spirit of reproach, exerted
on a more momentous subject.

“If I had known you were going out, I should have got you just to go
as far as my house with some orders for Nanny,” said she, “which I have
since, to my very great inconvenience, been obliged to go and carry
myself. I could very ill spare the time, and you might have saved me the
trouble, if you would only have been so good as to let us know you were
going out. It would have made no difference to you, I suppose, whether
you had walked in the shrubbery or gone to my house. ”

“I recommended the shrubbery to Fanny as the driest place,” said Sir
Thomas.

“Oh! ” said Mrs. Norris, with a moment’s check, “that was very kind of
you, Sir Thomas; but you do not know how dry the path is to my house.
Fanny would have had quite as good a walk there, I assure you, with the
advantage of being of some use, and obliging her aunt: it is all her
fault. If she would but have let us know she was going out but there is
a something about Fanny, I have often observed it before--she likes to
go her own way to work; she does not like to be dictated to; she takes
her own independent walk whenever she can; she certainly has a little
spirit of secrecy, and independence, and nonsense, about her, which I
would advise her to get the better of. ”

As a general reflection on Fanny, Sir Thomas thought nothing could be
more unjust, though he had been so lately expressing the same sentiments
himself, and he tried to turn the conversation: tried repeatedly
before he could succeed; for Mrs. Norris had not discernment enough to
perceive, either now, or at any other time, to what degree he thought
well of his niece, or how very far he was from wishing to have his own
children’s merits set off by the depreciation of hers. She was talking
_at_ Fanny, and resenting this private walk half through the dinner.

It was over, however, at last; and the evening set in with more
composure to Fanny, and more cheerfulness of spirits than she could
have hoped for after so stormy a morning; but she trusted, in the first
place, that she had done right: that her judgment had not misled her.
For the purity of her intentions she could answer; and she was willing
to hope, secondly, that her uncle’s displeasure was abating, and would
abate farther as he considered the matter with more impartiality, and
felt, as a good man must feel, how wretched, and how unpardonable, how
hopeless, and how wicked it was to marry without affection.

When the meeting with which she was threatened for the morrow was past,
she could not but flatter herself that the subject would be finally
concluded, and Mr. Crawford once gone from Mansfield, that everything
would soon be as if no such subject had existed. She would not, could
not believe, that Mr. Crawford’s affection for her could distress him
long; his mind was not of that sort. London would soon bring its cure.
In London he would soon learn to wonder at his infatuation, and be
thankful for the right reason in her which had saved him from its evil
consequences.

While Fanny’s mind was engaged in these sort of hopes, her uncle was,
soon after tea, called out of the room; an occurrence too common to
strike her, and she thought nothing of it till the butler reappeared ten
minutes afterwards, and advancing decidedly towards herself, said,
“Sir Thomas wishes to speak with you, ma’am, in his own room. ” Then it
occurred to her what might be going on; a suspicion rushed over her mind
which drove the colour from her cheeks; but instantly rising, she was
preparing to obey, when Mrs. Norris called out, “Stay, stay, Fanny! what
are you about? where are you going? don’t be in such a hurry. Depend
upon it, it is not you who are wanted; depend upon it, it is me”
(looking at the butler); “but you are so very eager to put yourself
forward. What should Sir Thomas want you for? It is me, Baddeley, you
mean; I am coming this moment. You mean me, Baddeley, I am sure; Sir
Thomas wants me, not Miss Price. ”

But Baddeley was stout. “No, ma’am, it is Miss Price; I am certain of
its being Miss Price. ” And there was a half-smile with the words, which
meant, “I do not think you would answer the purpose at all. ”

Mrs. Norris, much discontented, was obliged to compose herself to work
again; and Fanny, walking off in agitating consciousness, found herself,
as she anticipated, in another minute alone with Mr. Crawford.



CHAPTER XXXIII

The conference was neither so short nor so conclusive as the lady had
designed. The gentleman was not so easily satisfied. He had all the
disposition to persevere that Sir Thomas could wish him. He had vanity,
which strongly inclined him in the first place to think she did love
him, though she might not know it herself; and which, secondly, when
constrained at last to admit that she did know her own present feelings,
convinced him that he should be able in time to make those feelings what
he wished.

He was in love, very much in love; and it was a love which, operating
on an active, sanguine spirit, of more warmth than delicacy, made her
affection appear of greater consequence because it was withheld, and
determined him to have the glory, as well as the felicity, of forcing
her to love him.

He would not despair: he would not desist. He had every well-grounded
reason for solid attachment; he knew her to have all the worth that
could justify the warmest hopes of lasting happiness with her; her
conduct at this very time, by speaking the disinterestedness and
delicacy of her character (qualities which he believed most rare
indeed), was of a sort to heighten all his wishes, and confirm all his
resolutions. He knew not that he had a pre-engaged heart to attack.