Miss Sallow is a near
relation
of mine by marriage: and as for
her person, great allowance is to be made; for let me tell you, a
woman labors under many disadvantages who tries to pass for
a girl of six-and-thirty.
her person, great allowance is to be made; for let me tell you, a
woman labors under many disadvantages who tries to pass for
a girl of six-and-thirty.
Warner - World's Best Literature - v23 - Sha to Sta
I'll get you snug lying in the
Abbey here; or pickle you, and send you over to Blunderbuss
Hall, or anything of the kind, with the greatest pleasure.
Sir Lucius Pho! pho! you are little better than a coward.
Acres - Mind, gentlemen, he calls me a coward; coward was
the word, by my valor!
Sir Lucius-Well, sir?
Acres - Look'ee, Sir Lucius, 'tisn't that I mind the word cow-
ard - coward may be said in joke. But if you had called me a
poltroon, odds daggers and balls! -
Sir Lucius-Well, sir?
Acres I should have thought you a very ill-bred man.
Sir Lucius
Pho! you are beneath my notice.
Absolute - Nay, Sir Lucius, you can't have a better second
than my friend Acres. He is a most determined dog — called in
the country, Fighting Bob. He generally kills a man a week—
don't you, Bob?
―――――
-
-
Acres Ayat home!
Sir Lucius - Well, then, captain, 'tis we must begin; so come
out, my little counselor, [draws his sword] and ask the gentle-
man whether he will resign the lady, without forcing you to
proceed against him?
Absolute - Come on then, sir: [draws] since you won't let it
be an amicable suit, here's my reply.
Enter Sir Anthony Absolute, David, Mrs. Malaprop, Lydia, and Julia
David-Knock 'em all down, sweet Sir Anthony: knock down
my master in particular, and bind his hands over to their good
behavior!
Sir Anthony-Put up, Jack, put up, or I shall be in a frenzy:
how came you in a duel, sir?
Absolute Faith, sir, that gentleman can tell you better thar
I: 'twas he called on me,- and you know, sir, I serve his Maj-
esty.
-
Sir Anthony-Here's a pretty fellow: I catch him going to cut
a man's throat, and he tells me he serves his Majesty! Zounds,
sirrah! then how durst you draw the King's sword against one of
his subjects?
## p. 13332 (#138) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13332
Absolute-Sir, I tell you that gentleman called me out, with-
out explaining his reasons.
Sir Anthony-Gad, sir! how came you to call my son out,
without explaining your reasons?
Sir Lucius Your son, sir, insulted me in a manner which
my honor could not brook.
Sir Anthony-Zounds, Jack! how durst you insult the gentle-
man in a manner which his honor could not brook?
Mrs. Malaprop-Come, come, let's have no honor before
ladies. Captain Absolute, come here: How could you intimidate
-
us so? Here's Lydia has been terrified to death for you.
Absolute For fear I should be killed, or escape, ma'am?
Mrs. Malaprop - Nay, no delusions to the past: Lydia is con-
vinced. Speak, child.
Sir Lucius - With your leave, ma'am, I must put in a word
here: I believe I could interpret the young lady's silence. Now
mark
Lydia
What is it you mean, sir?
Sir Lucius - Come, come, Delia, we must be serious now:
this is no time for trifling.
Lydia 'Tis true, sir; and your reproof bids me offer this
gentleman my hand, and solicit the return of his affections.
Absolute-O my little angel, say you so! Sir Lucius, I per-
ceive there must be some mistake here with regard to the affront
which you affirm I have given you. I can only say that it could
not have been intentional. And as you must be convinced that
I should not fear to support a real injury, you shall now see that
I am not ashamed to atone for an inadvertency: I ask your par-
don. But for this lady, while honored with her approbation, I
will support my claim against any man whatever.
Sir Anthony-Well said, Jack, and I'll stand by you, my boy.
Acres - Mind, I give up all my claim- I make no pretensions
to anything in the world; and if I can't get a wife without
fighting for her,- by my valor! I'll live a bachelor.
Sir Lucius-Captain, give me your hand: an affront hand-
somely acknowledged becomes an obligation; and as for the lady,
if she chooses to deny her own handwriting, here—
-――――
―――
-
-
-
[Takes out letters.
Mrs. Malaprop- Oh, he will dissolve my mystery! - Sir
Lucius, perhaps there's some mistake-perhaps I can illumi-
nate
## p. 13333 (#139) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13333
Sir Lucius - Pray, old gentlewoman, don't interfere where you
have no business. Miss Languish, are you my Delia or not?
Lydia - Indeed, Sir Lucius, I am not. [Walks aside with
Captain Absolute. ]
Mrs. Malaprop - Sir Lucius O'Trigger - ungrateful as you
are, I own the soft impeachment-pardon my blushes; I am
Delia.
Sir Lucius- You Delia! -pho! pho! be easy.
Mrs. Malaprop-Why, thou barbarous Vandyke! those letters
are mine. When you are more sensible of my benignity, per-
haps I may be brought to encourage your addresses.
Sir Lucius-Mrs. Malaprop, I am extremely sensible of your
condescension; and whether you or Lucy have put this trick on
me, I am equally beholden to you. And to show you I am not
ungrateful, Captain Absolute, since you have taken that lady
from me I'll give you my Delia into the bargain.
Absolute I am much obliged to you, Sir Lucius; but here's
my friend Fighting Bob unprovided for.
Sir Lucius-Hah! little Valor-here, will you make your for-
tune?
Acres Odds wrinkles! No. But give me your hand, Sir
Lucius; forget and forgive: but if ever I give you a chance of
pickling me again, say Bob Acres is a dunce, that's all.
Sir Anthony-Come, Mrs. Malaprop, don't be cast down: you
are in your bloom yet.
Mrs. Malaprop-O Sir Anthony, men are all barbarians.
-
THE SCANDAL CLASS MEETS
From the School for Scandal'
Scene: A room in Lady Sneerwell's house. Lady Sneerwell, Mrs. Candour,
Crabtree, Sir Benjamin Backbite, and Joseph Surface discovered.
ADY SNEER WELL-Nay, positively we will hear it.
LADY
Joseph Surface - Yes, yes, the epigram; by all means.
Sir Benjamin-Oh, plague on't, uncle! 'tis mere nonsense.
Crabtree - No, no; 'fore Gad, very clever for an extempore!
Sir Benjamin - But, ladies, you should be acquainted with the
circumstance. You must know that one day last week, as Lady
## p. 13334 (#140) ##########################################
13334
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
Betty Curricle was taking the dust in Hyde Park, in a sort of
duodecimo phaeton, she desired me to write some verses on her
ponies; upon which I took out my pocket-book, and in one mo-
ment produced the following:-
Sure never were seen two such beautiful ponies;
Other horses are clowns, but these macaronies*:
To give them this title I'm sure can't be wrong. -
Their legs are so slim and their tails are so long.
Crabtree - There, ladies: done in the smack of a whip, and on
horseback too.
Joseph Surface - A very Phoebus, mounted-indeed, Sir Ben-
jamin!
Sir Benjamin-O dear, sir! trifles - trifles.
Enter Lady Teazle and Maria
Mrs. Candour
I must have a copy.
Lady Sneerwell— Lady Teazle, I hope we shall see Sir Peter?
Lady Teazle-I believe he'll wait on your Ladyship pres-
ently.
Lady Sneerwell - Maria, my love, you look grave. Come, you
shall sit down to piquet with Mr. Surface.
Maria-I take very little pleasure in cards; however, I'll do
as your Ladyship pleases.
Lady Teazle [aside]-I am surprised Mr. Surface should sit
down with her; I thought he would have embraced this oppor-
tunity of speaking to me before Sir Peter came.
Mrs. Candour-Now I'll die; but you are so scandalous, I'll
forswear your society.
Lady Teazle-What's the matter, Mrs. Candour?
Mrs. Candour-
to be handsome.
Lady Sneerwell-Oh, surely she is a pretty woman.
Crabtree - I am very glad you think so, ma'am.
Mrs. Candour-She has a charming fresh color.
Lady Teasle-Yes, when it is fresh put on.
Mrs. Candour-O fie! I'll swear her color is natural: I have
seen it come and go!
* I. e. , resembling the "Italomaniac» dandies of the day.
They'll not allow our friend Miss Vermilion
## p. 13335 (#141) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13335
Lady Teazle
I dare swear you have, ma'am: it goes off at
night, and comes again in the morning.
Sir Benjamin-True, ma'am: it not only comes and goes, but
what's more, egad, her maid can fetch and carry it!
or was-
- very
Mrs. Candour -Ha! ha! ha! how I hate to hear you talk so!
But surely, now, her sister is-
handsome.
Crabtree - Who? Mrs. Evergreen? O Lord! she's six-and-fifty
if she's an hour!
Mrs. Candour-Now positively you wrong her: fifty-two or
fifty-three is the utmost - and I don't think she looks more.
Sir Benjamin-Ah! there's no judging by her looks, unless
one could see her face.
―――
--
Lady Sneerwell-Well, well, if Mrs. Evergreen does take some
pains to repair the ravages of time, you must allow she effects it
with great ingenuity; and surely that's better than the careless.
manner in which the widow Ochre calks her wrinkles.
Sir Benjamin-Nay, now, Lady Sneerwell, you are severe
upon the widow. Come, come, 'tis not that she paints so ill;
but when she has finished her face, she joins it on so badly to
her neck, that she looks like a mended statue, in which the con-
noisseur may see at once that the head is modern, though the
trunk's antique.
Crabtree Ha! ha! ha! Well said, nephew!
Mrs. Candour-Ha! ha! ha! Well, you make me laugh; but
I vow I hate you for it. What do you think of Miss Simper?
Sir Benjamin-Why, she has very pretty teeth.
Lady Teazle-Yes; and on that account, when she is nei
ther speaking nor laughing (which very seldom happens), she
never absolutely shuts her mouth, but leaves it always ajar, as it
were thus.
[Shows her teeth.
Mrs. Candour. How can you be so ill-natured?
Lady Teazle-Nay, I allow even that's better than the pains
Mrs. Prim takes to conceal her losses in front. She draws her
mouth till it positively resembles the aperture of a poor's-box,
and all her words appear to slide out edgewise, as it were — thus:
"How do you do, madam? Yes, madam. "
[Mimics.
Lady Sneerwell - Very well, Lady Teazle: I see you can be a
little severe.
Lady Teazle-In defense of a friend it is but justice. But
here comes Sir Peter to spoil our pleasantry.
## p. 13336 (#142) ##########################################
13336
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
Enter Sir Peter Teazle
Sir Peter Ladies, your most obedient. -[Aside. ] Mercy on
me, here is the whole set! a character dead at every word, I
-
suppose.
Mrs. Candour - I am rejoiced you are come, Sir Peter. They
have been so censorious; and Lady Teazle as bad as any one.
Sir Peter-That must be very distressing to you, indeed,
Mrs. Candour.
Mrs. Candour -Oh, they will allow good qualities to nobody;
not even good-nature to our friend Mrs. Pursy.
Lady Teazle - What, the fat dowager who was at Mrs. Quad-
rille's last night?
Mrs. Candour - Nay, her bulk is her misfortune; and when
she takes so much pains to get rid of it, you ought not to reflect
on her.
Lady Sneerwell-That's very true, indeed.
Lady Teazle - Yes, I know she almost lives on acids and small
whey; laces herself by pulleys; and often, in the hottest noon in
summer, you may see her on a little squat pony, with her hair
plaited up behind like a drummer's, and puffing round the Ring
on a full trot.
Mrs. Candour-I thank you, Lady Teazle, for defending her.
Sir Peter-Yes, a good defense, truly.
Mrs. Candour-Truly, Lady Teazle is as censorious as Miss
Sallow.
Crabtree - Yes; and she is a curious being to pretend to be
censorious, an awkward gawky, without any one good point
under heaven.
Mrs. Candour · Positively you shall not be so very severe.
Miss Sallow is a near relation of mine by marriage: and as for
her person, great allowance is to be made; for let me tell you, a
woman labors under many disadvantages who tries to pass for
a girl of six-and-thirty.
·
Lady Sneerwell—Though, surely, she is handsome still; and
for the weakness in her eyes, considering how much she reads
by candle-light, it is not to be wondered at.
Mrs. Candour- True; and then as to her manner: upon my
word I think it is particularly graceful, considering she never had
the least education; for you know her mother was a Welsh milli-
ner, and her father a sugar-baker at Bristol.
-
## p. 13337 (#143) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13337
Sir Benjamin-Ah! you are both of you too good-natured!
Sir Peter [aside]—Yes, damned good-natured! This their own
relation! mercy on me!
Mrs. Candour - For my part, I own I cannot bear to hear a
friend ill spoken of.
Sir Peter-No, to be sure!
Sir Benjamin-Oh! you are of a moral turn. Mrs. Candour
and I can sit for an hour and hear Lady Stucco talk sentiment.
Lady Teazle-Nay, I vow Lady Stucco is very well with the
dessert after dinner; for she's just like the French fruit one
cracks for mottoes,- made up of paint and proverb.
Mrs. Candour-Well, I will never join in ridiculing a friend;
and so I constantly tell my cousin Ogle,- and you all know what
pretensions she has to be critical on beauty.
Crabtree - Oh, to be sure! she has herself the oddest counte-
nance that ever was seen; 'tis a collection of features from all
the different countries of the globe.
Sir Benjamin-So she has, indeed-an Irish front-
Crabtree - Caledonian locks-
Sir Benjamin-Dutch nose-
Crabtree Austrian lips-
Sir Benjamin-Complexion of a Spaniard-
Crabtree - And teeth à la Chinoise-
――――――――
――――――――
-
-
――――――――――
-
Sir Benjamin-In short, her face resembles a table d'hôte at
Spa, where no two guests are of a nation —
Crabtree - Or a congress at the close of a general war,
wherein all the members, even to her eyes, appear to have a
different interest; and her nose and chin are the only parties
likely to join issue.
Mrs. Candour - Ha! ha! ha!
Sir Peter [aside] - Mercy on my life! - a person they dine
with twice a week!
Mrs. Candour-Nay, but I vow you shall not carry the laugh
off so; for give me leave to say that Mrs. Ogle —
Sir Peter Madam, madam, I beg your pardon—there's no
stopping these good gentlemen's tongues. But when I tell you,
Mrs. Candour, that the lady they are abusing is a particular
friend of mine, I hope you'll not take her part.
Lady Sneerwell-Ha! ha! ha! well said, Sir Peter! but you
are a cruel creature: too phlegmatic yourself for a jest, and too
peevish to allow wit in others.
## p. 13338 (#144) ##########################################
13338
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
Sir Peter-Ah, madam, true wit is more nearly allied to
good-nature than your Ladyship is aware of.
Lady Teazle-True, Sir Peter: I believe they are so near akin
that they can never be united.
Sir Benjamin-Or rather, suppose them man and wife, because
one seldom sees them together.
Lady Teazle-But Sir Peter is such an enemy to scandal, I
believe he would have it put down by Parliament.
Sir Peter-'Fore heaven, madam, if they were to consider the
sporting with reputation of as much importance as poaching on
manors, and pass an act for the preservation of fame as well as
game, believe many would thank them for the bill.
Lady Sneerwell-O Lud, Sir Peter! would you deprive us of
our privileges?
Sir Peter-Ay, madam; and then no person should be per-
mitted to kill characters and run down reputations but qualified.
old maids and disappointed widows.
Lady Sneerwell-Go, you monster!
Mrs. Candour-But surely, you would not be quite so severe
on those who only report what they hear?
Sir Peter-Yes, madam: I would have law-merchant for them.
too; and in all cases of slander currency, whenever the drawer
of the lie was not to be found, the injured parties should have a
right to come on any of the indorsers.
Crabtree - Well, for my part, I believe there never was a
scandalous tale without some foundation.
Lady Sneerwell-Come, ladies, shall we sit down to cards in
the next room?
Enter Servant, who whispers Sir Peter
Sir Peter-I'll be with them directly. [Exit servant. ] [Aside. ]
I'll get away unperceived.
Lady Sneerwell - Sir Peter, you are not going to leave us?
Sir Peter-Your Ladyship must excuse me: I'm called away
by particular business. But I leave my character behind me.
[Exit.
Sir Benjamin - Well - certainly, Lady Teazle, that lord of
yours is a strange being: I could tell you some stories of him
would make you laugh heartily if he were not your husband.
Lady Teazle - Oh, pray don't mind that: come, do let's hear
them.
## p. 13339 (#145) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13339
Exeunt all but Joseph Surface and Maria
Joseph Surface - Maria, I see you have no satisfaction in this
society.
Maria - How is it possible I should? If to raise malicious
smiles at the infirmities or misfortunes of those who have never
injured us be the province of wit or humor, Heaven grant me a
double portion of dullness!
Joseph Surface-Yet they appear more ill-natured than they
are: they have no malice at heart.
Maria - Then is their conduct still more contemptible; for
in my opinion, nothing could excuse the intemperance of their
tongues but a natural and uncontrollable bitterness of mind.
MATRIMONIAL FELICITY
From the School for Scandal >
Scene: A room in Sir Peter Teazle's house. Enter Sir Peter Teazle.
SIR
IR PETER — When an old bachelor marries a young wife, what
is he to expect? 'Tis now six months since Lady Teazle
made me the happiest of men - and I have been the most
miserable dog ever since. We tift a little going to church, and
fairly quarreled before the bells had done ringing. I was more
than once nearly choked with gall during the honeymoon, and
had lost all comfort in life before my friends had done wishing
me joy.
joy. Yet I chose with caution: a girl bred wholly in the
country, who never knew luxury beyond one silk gown, nor dis-
sipation above the annual gala of a race ball. Yet she now
plays her part in all the extravagant fopperies of fashion and the
town with as ready a grace as if she never had seen a bush or a
grassplot out of Grosvenor Square! I am sneered at by all my
acquaintance, and paragraphed in the newspapers. She dissipates
my fortune, and contradicts all my humors; yet the worst of it
is, I doubt I love her, or I should never bear all this. However,
I'll never be weak enough to own it.
Enter Rowley
Rowley-Oh! Sir Peter, your servant: how is it with you, sir?
Sir Peter-Very bad, Master Rowley, very bad. I meet with
nothing but crosses and vexations.
## p. 13340 (#146) ##########################################
13340
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
Rowley-What can have happened since yesterday?
Sir Peter-A good question to a married man!
Rowley-Nay, I'm sure, Sir Peter, your lady can't be the
cause of your uneasiness.
Sir Peter-Why, has anybody told you she was dead?
Rowley-Come, come, Sir Peter, you love her, notwithstand-
ing your tempers don't exactly agree.
Sir Peter-But the fault is entirely hers, Master Rowley. I
am myself the sweetest-tempered man alive, and hate a teasing
temper; and so I tell her a hundred times a day.
Rowley-Indeed!
Sir Peter-Ay; and what is very extraordinary, in all our
disputes she is always in the wrong. But Lady Sneerwell, and
the set she meets at her house, encourage the perverseness of
her disposition. Then, to complete my vexation, Maria, my
ward, whom I ought to have the power of a father over, is
determined to turn rebel too, and absolutely refuses the man
whom I have long resolved on for her husband; meaning, I sup-
pose, to bestow herself on his profligate brother.
Rowley-You know, Sir Peter, I have always taken the lib-
erty to differ with you on the subject of these two young gentle-
men. I only wish you may not be deceived in your opinion of
the elder. For Charles, my life on't! he will retrieve his errors
yet. Their worthy father, once my honored master, was at his
years nearly as wild a spark; yet when he died, he did not
leave a more benevolent heart to lament his loss.
Sir Peter-You are wrong, Master Rowley. On their father's
death, you know, I acted as a kind of guardian to them both,
till their uncle Sir Oliver's liberality gave them an early inde-
pendence; of course, no person could have more opportunities
of judging of their hearts: and I was never mistaken in my
life. Joseph is indeed a model for the young men of the age.
He is a man of sentiment, and acts up to the sentiments he
professes; but for the other, take my word for't, if he had any
grain of virtue by descent, he has dissipated it with the rest of
his inheritance. Ah! my old friend Sir Oliver will be deeply
mortified when he finds how part of his bounty has been mis-
applied.
Rowley-I am sorry to find you so violent against the young
man, because this may be the most critical period of his fortune.
I came hither with news that will surprise you.
Sir Peter-What! let me hear.
## p. 13341 (#147) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13341
Rowley - Sir Oliver is arrived, and at this moment in town.
Sir Peter How? you astonish me! I thought you did not
expect him this month.
Rowley-I did not; but his passage has been remarkably
quick.
Sir Peter-Egad, I shall rejoice to see my old friend. 'Tis
sixteen years since we met. We have had many a day together;
but does he still enjoin us not to inform his nephews of his
arrival?
―――――
-
Rowley Most strictly. He means, before it is known, to
make some trial of their dispositions.
Sir Peter-Ah! there needs no art to discover their merits-
however, he shall have his way; but pray, does he know I am
married?
―
Rowley Yes, and will soon wish you joy.
Sir Peter - What, as we drink health to a friend in a con-
sumption! Ah! Oliver will laugh at me. We used to rail at
matrimony together, but he has been steady to his text. Well,
he must be soon at my house, though: I'll instantly give orders.
for his reception. But, Master Rowley, don't drop a word that
Lady Teazle and I ever disagree.
Rowley By no means.
Sir Peter - For I should never be able to stand Noll's jokes;
so I'll have him think - Lord forgive me! -that we are a very
happy couple.
―
·
Rowley-I understand you; but then you must be very care-
ful not to differ while he is in the house with you.
Sir Peter-Egad, and so we must-and that's impossible.
Ah! Master Rowley, when an old bachelor marries a young wife,
he deserves no, the crime carries its punishment along with it.
[Exeunt.
Scene: A room in Sir Peter Teazle's house. Enter Sir Peter and Lady
Teazle.
Sir Peter-Lady Teazle, Lady Teazle, I'll not bear it.
Lady Teazle-Sir Peter, Sir Peter, you may bear it or not, as
you please; but I ought to have my own way in everything, and
what's more, I will, too. What! though I was educated in the
country, I know very well that women of fashion in London are
accountable to nobody after they are married.
## p. 13342 (#148) ##########################################
13342
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
Sir Peter-Very well, ma'am, very well: so a husband is to
have no influence, no authority?
Lady Teazle-Authority! No, to be sure. If you wanted
authority over me, you should have adopted me, and not married
me: I am sure you were old enough.
Sir Peter-Old enough! -ay, there it is. Well, well, Lady
Teazle, though my life may be made unhappy by your temper,
I'll not be ruined by your extravagance!
Lady Teazle - My extravagance! I'm sure I'm not more ex-
travagant than a woman of fashion ought to be.
Sir Peter-No, no, madam: you shall throw away no more
sums on such unmeaning luxury. 'Slife! to spend as much to
furnish your dressing-room with flowers in winter as would suf-
fice to turn the Pantheon into a greenhouse, and give a fête
champêtre at Christmas.
Lady Teazle-And am I to blame, Sir Peter, because flow-
ers are dear in cold weather? You should find fault with
the climate, and not with me. For my part, I'm sure I wish it
was spring all the year round, and that roses grew under our
feet.
Sir Peter-Oons! madam, if you had been born to this, I
shouldn't wonder at your talking thus; but you forget what your
situation was when I married you.
Lady Teazle-No, no, I don't: 'twas a very disagreeable one,
or I should never have married you.
Sir Peter-Yes, yes, madam: you were then in somewhat a
humbler style - the daughter of a plain country squire. Recol-
lect, Lady Teazle, when I saw you first sitting at your tambour,
in a pretty figured linen gown, with a bunch of keys at your
side, your hair combed smooth over a roll, and your apartment
hung round with fruits in worsted, of your own working.
Lady Teazle-Oh, yes! I remember it very well, and a curi-
ous life I led. My daily occupation to inspect the dairy, superin-
tend the poultry, make extracts from the family receipt-book, and
comb my Aunt Deborah's lapdog.
Sir Peter-Yes, yes, ma'am, 'twas so indeed.
Lady Teazle-And then you know my evening amusements!
To draw patterns for ruffles, which I had not materials to make
up; to play Pope Joan with the curate; to read a sermon to my
aunt; or to be stuck down to an old spinet to strum my father
to sleep after a fox-chase.
## p. 13343 (#149) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13343
-
Sir Peter-I am glad you have so good a memory. Yes,
madam, these were the recreations I took you from; but now
you must have your coach-vis-à-vis — and three powdered foot-
men before your chair; and in the summer, a pair of white cats
to draw you to Kensington Gardens. No recollection, I suppose,
when you were content to ride double behind the butler, on a
docked coach-horse.
Lady Teazle - No-I swear I never did that: I deny the but-
ler and the coach-horse.
Sir Peter-This, madam, was your situation; and what have I
done for you? I have made you a woman of fashion, of fortune,
of rank,-in short, I have made you my wife.
Lady Teazle Well then, and there is but one thing more
you can make me to add to the obligation; that is-
Sir Peter- My widow, I suppose?
Lady Teazle - Hem! hem!
Sir Peter-I thank you, madam- but don't flatter yourself;
for though your ill conduct may disturb my peace of mind, it
shall never break my heart, I promise you: however, I am
equally obliged to you for the hint.
Lady Teazle-Then why will you endeavor to make your-
self so disagreeable to me, and thwart me in every little elegant
expense?
Sir Peter-'Slife, madam, I say, had you any of these little
elegant expenses when you married me?
Lady Teazle-Lud, Sir Peter! would you have me be out of
the fashion?
-
Sir Peter-The fashion, indeed! what had you to do with the
fashion before you married me?
Lady Teazle - For my part, I should think you would like to
have your wife thought a woman of taste.
Zounds! madam, you
Sir Peter-Ay-there again-taste!
had no taste when you married me!
Lady Teazle-That's very true, indeed, Sir Peter! and after
having married you, I should never pretend to taste again, I
allow. But now, Sir Peter, since we have finished our daily jan-
gle, I presume I may go to my engagement at Lady Sneerwell's.
Abbey here; or pickle you, and send you over to Blunderbuss
Hall, or anything of the kind, with the greatest pleasure.
Sir Lucius Pho! pho! you are little better than a coward.
Acres - Mind, gentlemen, he calls me a coward; coward was
the word, by my valor!
Sir Lucius-Well, sir?
Acres - Look'ee, Sir Lucius, 'tisn't that I mind the word cow-
ard - coward may be said in joke. But if you had called me a
poltroon, odds daggers and balls! -
Sir Lucius-Well, sir?
Acres I should have thought you a very ill-bred man.
Sir Lucius
Pho! you are beneath my notice.
Absolute - Nay, Sir Lucius, you can't have a better second
than my friend Acres. He is a most determined dog — called in
the country, Fighting Bob. He generally kills a man a week—
don't you, Bob?
―――――
-
-
Acres Ayat home!
Sir Lucius - Well, then, captain, 'tis we must begin; so come
out, my little counselor, [draws his sword] and ask the gentle-
man whether he will resign the lady, without forcing you to
proceed against him?
Absolute - Come on then, sir: [draws] since you won't let it
be an amicable suit, here's my reply.
Enter Sir Anthony Absolute, David, Mrs. Malaprop, Lydia, and Julia
David-Knock 'em all down, sweet Sir Anthony: knock down
my master in particular, and bind his hands over to their good
behavior!
Sir Anthony-Put up, Jack, put up, or I shall be in a frenzy:
how came you in a duel, sir?
Absolute Faith, sir, that gentleman can tell you better thar
I: 'twas he called on me,- and you know, sir, I serve his Maj-
esty.
-
Sir Anthony-Here's a pretty fellow: I catch him going to cut
a man's throat, and he tells me he serves his Majesty! Zounds,
sirrah! then how durst you draw the King's sword against one of
his subjects?
## p. 13332 (#138) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13332
Absolute-Sir, I tell you that gentleman called me out, with-
out explaining his reasons.
Sir Anthony-Gad, sir! how came you to call my son out,
without explaining your reasons?
Sir Lucius Your son, sir, insulted me in a manner which
my honor could not brook.
Sir Anthony-Zounds, Jack! how durst you insult the gentle-
man in a manner which his honor could not brook?
Mrs. Malaprop-Come, come, let's have no honor before
ladies. Captain Absolute, come here: How could you intimidate
-
us so? Here's Lydia has been terrified to death for you.
Absolute For fear I should be killed, or escape, ma'am?
Mrs. Malaprop - Nay, no delusions to the past: Lydia is con-
vinced. Speak, child.
Sir Lucius - With your leave, ma'am, I must put in a word
here: I believe I could interpret the young lady's silence. Now
mark
Lydia
What is it you mean, sir?
Sir Lucius - Come, come, Delia, we must be serious now:
this is no time for trifling.
Lydia 'Tis true, sir; and your reproof bids me offer this
gentleman my hand, and solicit the return of his affections.
Absolute-O my little angel, say you so! Sir Lucius, I per-
ceive there must be some mistake here with regard to the affront
which you affirm I have given you. I can only say that it could
not have been intentional. And as you must be convinced that
I should not fear to support a real injury, you shall now see that
I am not ashamed to atone for an inadvertency: I ask your par-
don. But for this lady, while honored with her approbation, I
will support my claim against any man whatever.
Sir Anthony-Well said, Jack, and I'll stand by you, my boy.
Acres - Mind, I give up all my claim- I make no pretensions
to anything in the world; and if I can't get a wife without
fighting for her,- by my valor! I'll live a bachelor.
Sir Lucius-Captain, give me your hand: an affront hand-
somely acknowledged becomes an obligation; and as for the lady,
if she chooses to deny her own handwriting, here—
-――――
―――
-
-
-
[Takes out letters.
Mrs. Malaprop- Oh, he will dissolve my mystery! - Sir
Lucius, perhaps there's some mistake-perhaps I can illumi-
nate
## p. 13333 (#139) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13333
Sir Lucius - Pray, old gentlewoman, don't interfere where you
have no business. Miss Languish, are you my Delia or not?
Lydia - Indeed, Sir Lucius, I am not. [Walks aside with
Captain Absolute. ]
Mrs. Malaprop - Sir Lucius O'Trigger - ungrateful as you
are, I own the soft impeachment-pardon my blushes; I am
Delia.
Sir Lucius- You Delia! -pho! pho! be easy.
Mrs. Malaprop-Why, thou barbarous Vandyke! those letters
are mine. When you are more sensible of my benignity, per-
haps I may be brought to encourage your addresses.
Sir Lucius-Mrs. Malaprop, I am extremely sensible of your
condescension; and whether you or Lucy have put this trick on
me, I am equally beholden to you. And to show you I am not
ungrateful, Captain Absolute, since you have taken that lady
from me I'll give you my Delia into the bargain.
Absolute I am much obliged to you, Sir Lucius; but here's
my friend Fighting Bob unprovided for.
Sir Lucius-Hah! little Valor-here, will you make your for-
tune?
Acres Odds wrinkles! No. But give me your hand, Sir
Lucius; forget and forgive: but if ever I give you a chance of
pickling me again, say Bob Acres is a dunce, that's all.
Sir Anthony-Come, Mrs. Malaprop, don't be cast down: you
are in your bloom yet.
Mrs. Malaprop-O Sir Anthony, men are all barbarians.
-
THE SCANDAL CLASS MEETS
From the School for Scandal'
Scene: A room in Lady Sneerwell's house. Lady Sneerwell, Mrs. Candour,
Crabtree, Sir Benjamin Backbite, and Joseph Surface discovered.
ADY SNEER WELL-Nay, positively we will hear it.
LADY
Joseph Surface - Yes, yes, the epigram; by all means.
Sir Benjamin-Oh, plague on't, uncle! 'tis mere nonsense.
Crabtree - No, no; 'fore Gad, very clever for an extempore!
Sir Benjamin - But, ladies, you should be acquainted with the
circumstance. You must know that one day last week, as Lady
## p. 13334 (#140) ##########################################
13334
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
Betty Curricle was taking the dust in Hyde Park, in a sort of
duodecimo phaeton, she desired me to write some verses on her
ponies; upon which I took out my pocket-book, and in one mo-
ment produced the following:-
Sure never were seen two such beautiful ponies;
Other horses are clowns, but these macaronies*:
To give them this title I'm sure can't be wrong. -
Their legs are so slim and their tails are so long.
Crabtree - There, ladies: done in the smack of a whip, and on
horseback too.
Joseph Surface - A very Phoebus, mounted-indeed, Sir Ben-
jamin!
Sir Benjamin-O dear, sir! trifles - trifles.
Enter Lady Teazle and Maria
Mrs. Candour
I must have a copy.
Lady Sneerwell— Lady Teazle, I hope we shall see Sir Peter?
Lady Teazle-I believe he'll wait on your Ladyship pres-
ently.
Lady Sneerwell - Maria, my love, you look grave. Come, you
shall sit down to piquet with Mr. Surface.
Maria-I take very little pleasure in cards; however, I'll do
as your Ladyship pleases.
Lady Teazle [aside]-I am surprised Mr. Surface should sit
down with her; I thought he would have embraced this oppor-
tunity of speaking to me before Sir Peter came.
Mrs. Candour-Now I'll die; but you are so scandalous, I'll
forswear your society.
Lady Teazle-What's the matter, Mrs. Candour?
Mrs. Candour-
to be handsome.
Lady Sneerwell-Oh, surely she is a pretty woman.
Crabtree - I am very glad you think so, ma'am.
Mrs. Candour-She has a charming fresh color.
Lady Teasle-Yes, when it is fresh put on.
Mrs. Candour-O fie! I'll swear her color is natural: I have
seen it come and go!
* I. e. , resembling the "Italomaniac» dandies of the day.
They'll not allow our friend Miss Vermilion
## p. 13335 (#141) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13335
Lady Teazle
I dare swear you have, ma'am: it goes off at
night, and comes again in the morning.
Sir Benjamin-True, ma'am: it not only comes and goes, but
what's more, egad, her maid can fetch and carry it!
or was-
- very
Mrs. Candour -Ha! ha! ha! how I hate to hear you talk so!
But surely, now, her sister is-
handsome.
Crabtree - Who? Mrs. Evergreen? O Lord! she's six-and-fifty
if she's an hour!
Mrs. Candour-Now positively you wrong her: fifty-two or
fifty-three is the utmost - and I don't think she looks more.
Sir Benjamin-Ah! there's no judging by her looks, unless
one could see her face.
―――
--
Lady Sneerwell-Well, well, if Mrs. Evergreen does take some
pains to repair the ravages of time, you must allow she effects it
with great ingenuity; and surely that's better than the careless.
manner in which the widow Ochre calks her wrinkles.
Sir Benjamin-Nay, now, Lady Sneerwell, you are severe
upon the widow. Come, come, 'tis not that she paints so ill;
but when she has finished her face, she joins it on so badly to
her neck, that she looks like a mended statue, in which the con-
noisseur may see at once that the head is modern, though the
trunk's antique.
Crabtree Ha! ha! ha! Well said, nephew!
Mrs. Candour-Ha! ha! ha! Well, you make me laugh; but
I vow I hate you for it. What do you think of Miss Simper?
Sir Benjamin-Why, she has very pretty teeth.
Lady Teazle-Yes; and on that account, when she is nei
ther speaking nor laughing (which very seldom happens), she
never absolutely shuts her mouth, but leaves it always ajar, as it
were thus.
[Shows her teeth.
Mrs. Candour. How can you be so ill-natured?
Lady Teazle-Nay, I allow even that's better than the pains
Mrs. Prim takes to conceal her losses in front. She draws her
mouth till it positively resembles the aperture of a poor's-box,
and all her words appear to slide out edgewise, as it were — thus:
"How do you do, madam? Yes, madam. "
[Mimics.
Lady Sneerwell - Very well, Lady Teazle: I see you can be a
little severe.
Lady Teazle-In defense of a friend it is but justice. But
here comes Sir Peter to spoil our pleasantry.
## p. 13336 (#142) ##########################################
13336
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
Enter Sir Peter Teazle
Sir Peter Ladies, your most obedient. -[Aside. ] Mercy on
me, here is the whole set! a character dead at every word, I
-
suppose.
Mrs. Candour - I am rejoiced you are come, Sir Peter. They
have been so censorious; and Lady Teazle as bad as any one.
Sir Peter-That must be very distressing to you, indeed,
Mrs. Candour.
Mrs. Candour -Oh, they will allow good qualities to nobody;
not even good-nature to our friend Mrs. Pursy.
Lady Teazle - What, the fat dowager who was at Mrs. Quad-
rille's last night?
Mrs. Candour - Nay, her bulk is her misfortune; and when
she takes so much pains to get rid of it, you ought not to reflect
on her.
Lady Sneerwell-That's very true, indeed.
Lady Teazle - Yes, I know she almost lives on acids and small
whey; laces herself by pulleys; and often, in the hottest noon in
summer, you may see her on a little squat pony, with her hair
plaited up behind like a drummer's, and puffing round the Ring
on a full trot.
Mrs. Candour-I thank you, Lady Teazle, for defending her.
Sir Peter-Yes, a good defense, truly.
Mrs. Candour-Truly, Lady Teazle is as censorious as Miss
Sallow.
Crabtree - Yes; and she is a curious being to pretend to be
censorious, an awkward gawky, without any one good point
under heaven.
Mrs. Candour · Positively you shall not be so very severe.
Miss Sallow is a near relation of mine by marriage: and as for
her person, great allowance is to be made; for let me tell you, a
woman labors under many disadvantages who tries to pass for
a girl of six-and-thirty.
·
Lady Sneerwell—Though, surely, she is handsome still; and
for the weakness in her eyes, considering how much she reads
by candle-light, it is not to be wondered at.
Mrs. Candour- True; and then as to her manner: upon my
word I think it is particularly graceful, considering she never had
the least education; for you know her mother was a Welsh milli-
ner, and her father a sugar-baker at Bristol.
-
## p. 13337 (#143) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13337
Sir Benjamin-Ah! you are both of you too good-natured!
Sir Peter [aside]—Yes, damned good-natured! This their own
relation! mercy on me!
Mrs. Candour - For my part, I own I cannot bear to hear a
friend ill spoken of.
Sir Peter-No, to be sure!
Sir Benjamin-Oh! you are of a moral turn. Mrs. Candour
and I can sit for an hour and hear Lady Stucco talk sentiment.
Lady Teazle-Nay, I vow Lady Stucco is very well with the
dessert after dinner; for she's just like the French fruit one
cracks for mottoes,- made up of paint and proverb.
Mrs. Candour-Well, I will never join in ridiculing a friend;
and so I constantly tell my cousin Ogle,- and you all know what
pretensions she has to be critical on beauty.
Crabtree - Oh, to be sure! she has herself the oddest counte-
nance that ever was seen; 'tis a collection of features from all
the different countries of the globe.
Sir Benjamin-So she has, indeed-an Irish front-
Crabtree - Caledonian locks-
Sir Benjamin-Dutch nose-
Crabtree Austrian lips-
Sir Benjamin-Complexion of a Spaniard-
Crabtree - And teeth à la Chinoise-
――――――――
――――――――
-
-
――――――――――
-
Sir Benjamin-In short, her face resembles a table d'hôte at
Spa, where no two guests are of a nation —
Crabtree - Or a congress at the close of a general war,
wherein all the members, even to her eyes, appear to have a
different interest; and her nose and chin are the only parties
likely to join issue.
Mrs. Candour - Ha! ha! ha!
Sir Peter [aside] - Mercy on my life! - a person they dine
with twice a week!
Mrs. Candour-Nay, but I vow you shall not carry the laugh
off so; for give me leave to say that Mrs. Ogle —
Sir Peter Madam, madam, I beg your pardon—there's no
stopping these good gentlemen's tongues. But when I tell you,
Mrs. Candour, that the lady they are abusing is a particular
friend of mine, I hope you'll not take her part.
Lady Sneerwell-Ha! ha! ha! well said, Sir Peter! but you
are a cruel creature: too phlegmatic yourself for a jest, and too
peevish to allow wit in others.
## p. 13338 (#144) ##########################################
13338
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
Sir Peter-Ah, madam, true wit is more nearly allied to
good-nature than your Ladyship is aware of.
Lady Teazle-True, Sir Peter: I believe they are so near akin
that they can never be united.
Sir Benjamin-Or rather, suppose them man and wife, because
one seldom sees them together.
Lady Teazle-But Sir Peter is such an enemy to scandal, I
believe he would have it put down by Parliament.
Sir Peter-'Fore heaven, madam, if they were to consider the
sporting with reputation of as much importance as poaching on
manors, and pass an act for the preservation of fame as well as
game, believe many would thank them for the bill.
Lady Sneerwell-O Lud, Sir Peter! would you deprive us of
our privileges?
Sir Peter-Ay, madam; and then no person should be per-
mitted to kill characters and run down reputations but qualified.
old maids and disappointed widows.
Lady Sneerwell-Go, you monster!
Mrs. Candour-But surely, you would not be quite so severe
on those who only report what they hear?
Sir Peter-Yes, madam: I would have law-merchant for them.
too; and in all cases of slander currency, whenever the drawer
of the lie was not to be found, the injured parties should have a
right to come on any of the indorsers.
Crabtree - Well, for my part, I believe there never was a
scandalous tale without some foundation.
Lady Sneerwell-Come, ladies, shall we sit down to cards in
the next room?
Enter Servant, who whispers Sir Peter
Sir Peter-I'll be with them directly. [Exit servant. ] [Aside. ]
I'll get away unperceived.
Lady Sneerwell - Sir Peter, you are not going to leave us?
Sir Peter-Your Ladyship must excuse me: I'm called away
by particular business. But I leave my character behind me.
[Exit.
Sir Benjamin - Well - certainly, Lady Teazle, that lord of
yours is a strange being: I could tell you some stories of him
would make you laugh heartily if he were not your husband.
Lady Teazle - Oh, pray don't mind that: come, do let's hear
them.
## p. 13339 (#145) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13339
Exeunt all but Joseph Surface and Maria
Joseph Surface - Maria, I see you have no satisfaction in this
society.
Maria - How is it possible I should? If to raise malicious
smiles at the infirmities or misfortunes of those who have never
injured us be the province of wit or humor, Heaven grant me a
double portion of dullness!
Joseph Surface-Yet they appear more ill-natured than they
are: they have no malice at heart.
Maria - Then is their conduct still more contemptible; for
in my opinion, nothing could excuse the intemperance of their
tongues but a natural and uncontrollable bitterness of mind.
MATRIMONIAL FELICITY
From the School for Scandal >
Scene: A room in Sir Peter Teazle's house. Enter Sir Peter Teazle.
SIR
IR PETER — When an old bachelor marries a young wife, what
is he to expect? 'Tis now six months since Lady Teazle
made me the happiest of men - and I have been the most
miserable dog ever since. We tift a little going to church, and
fairly quarreled before the bells had done ringing. I was more
than once nearly choked with gall during the honeymoon, and
had lost all comfort in life before my friends had done wishing
me joy.
joy. Yet I chose with caution: a girl bred wholly in the
country, who never knew luxury beyond one silk gown, nor dis-
sipation above the annual gala of a race ball. Yet she now
plays her part in all the extravagant fopperies of fashion and the
town with as ready a grace as if she never had seen a bush or a
grassplot out of Grosvenor Square! I am sneered at by all my
acquaintance, and paragraphed in the newspapers. She dissipates
my fortune, and contradicts all my humors; yet the worst of it
is, I doubt I love her, or I should never bear all this. However,
I'll never be weak enough to own it.
Enter Rowley
Rowley-Oh! Sir Peter, your servant: how is it with you, sir?
Sir Peter-Very bad, Master Rowley, very bad. I meet with
nothing but crosses and vexations.
## p. 13340 (#146) ##########################################
13340
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
Rowley-What can have happened since yesterday?
Sir Peter-A good question to a married man!
Rowley-Nay, I'm sure, Sir Peter, your lady can't be the
cause of your uneasiness.
Sir Peter-Why, has anybody told you she was dead?
Rowley-Come, come, Sir Peter, you love her, notwithstand-
ing your tempers don't exactly agree.
Sir Peter-But the fault is entirely hers, Master Rowley. I
am myself the sweetest-tempered man alive, and hate a teasing
temper; and so I tell her a hundred times a day.
Rowley-Indeed!
Sir Peter-Ay; and what is very extraordinary, in all our
disputes she is always in the wrong. But Lady Sneerwell, and
the set she meets at her house, encourage the perverseness of
her disposition. Then, to complete my vexation, Maria, my
ward, whom I ought to have the power of a father over, is
determined to turn rebel too, and absolutely refuses the man
whom I have long resolved on for her husband; meaning, I sup-
pose, to bestow herself on his profligate brother.
Rowley-You know, Sir Peter, I have always taken the lib-
erty to differ with you on the subject of these two young gentle-
men. I only wish you may not be deceived in your opinion of
the elder. For Charles, my life on't! he will retrieve his errors
yet. Their worthy father, once my honored master, was at his
years nearly as wild a spark; yet when he died, he did not
leave a more benevolent heart to lament his loss.
Sir Peter-You are wrong, Master Rowley. On their father's
death, you know, I acted as a kind of guardian to them both,
till their uncle Sir Oliver's liberality gave them an early inde-
pendence; of course, no person could have more opportunities
of judging of their hearts: and I was never mistaken in my
life. Joseph is indeed a model for the young men of the age.
He is a man of sentiment, and acts up to the sentiments he
professes; but for the other, take my word for't, if he had any
grain of virtue by descent, he has dissipated it with the rest of
his inheritance. Ah! my old friend Sir Oliver will be deeply
mortified when he finds how part of his bounty has been mis-
applied.
Rowley-I am sorry to find you so violent against the young
man, because this may be the most critical period of his fortune.
I came hither with news that will surprise you.
Sir Peter-What! let me hear.
## p. 13341 (#147) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13341
Rowley - Sir Oliver is arrived, and at this moment in town.
Sir Peter How? you astonish me! I thought you did not
expect him this month.
Rowley-I did not; but his passage has been remarkably
quick.
Sir Peter-Egad, I shall rejoice to see my old friend. 'Tis
sixteen years since we met. We have had many a day together;
but does he still enjoin us not to inform his nephews of his
arrival?
―――――
-
Rowley Most strictly. He means, before it is known, to
make some trial of their dispositions.
Sir Peter-Ah! there needs no art to discover their merits-
however, he shall have his way; but pray, does he know I am
married?
―
Rowley Yes, and will soon wish you joy.
Sir Peter - What, as we drink health to a friend in a con-
sumption! Ah! Oliver will laugh at me. We used to rail at
matrimony together, but he has been steady to his text. Well,
he must be soon at my house, though: I'll instantly give orders.
for his reception. But, Master Rowley, don't drop a word that
Lady Teazle and I ever disagree.
Rowley By no means.
Sir Peter - For I should never be able to stand Noll's jokes;
so I'll have him think - Lord forgive me! -that we are a very
happy couple.
―
·
Rowley-I understand you; but then you must be very care-
ful not to differ while he is in the house with you.
Sir Peter-Egad, and so we must-and that's impossible.
Ah! Master Rowley, when an old bachelor marries a young wife,
he deserves no, the crime carries its punishment along with it.
[Exeunt.
Scene: A room in Sir Peter Teazle's house. Enter Sir Peter and Lady
Teazle.
Sir Peter-Lady Teazle, Lady Teazle, I'll not bear it.
Lady Teazle-Sir Peter, Sir Peter, you may bear it or not, as
you please; but I ought to have my own way in everything, and
what's more, I will, too. What! though I was educated in the
country, I know very well that women of fashion in London are
accountable to nobody after they are married.
## p. 13342 (#148) ##########################################
13342
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
Sir Peter-Very well, ma'am, very well: so a husband is to
have no influence, no authority?
Lady Teazle-Authority! No, to be sure. If you wanted
authority over me, you should have adopted me, and not married
me: I am sure you were old enough.
Sir Peter-Old enough! -ay, there it is. Well, well, Lady
Teazle, though my life may be made unhappy by your temper,
I'll not be ruined by your extravagance!
Lady Teazle - My extravagance! I'm sure I'm not more ex-
travagant than a woman of fashion ought to be.
Sir Peter-No, no, madam: you shall throw away no more
sums on such unmeaning luxury. 'Slife! to spend as much to
furnish your dressing-room with flowers in winter as would suf-
fice to turn the Pantheon into a greenhouse, and give a fête
champêtre at Christmas.
Lady Teazle-And am I to blame, Sir Peter, because flow-
ers are dear in cold weather? You should find fault with
the climate, and not with me. For my part, I'm sure I wish it
was spring all the year round, and that roses grew under our
feet.
Sir Peter-Oons! madam, if you had been born to this, I
shouldn't wonder at your talking thus; but you forget what your
situation was when I married you.
Lady Teazle-No, no, I don't: 'twas a very disagreeable one,
or I should never have married you.
Sir Peter-Yes, yes, madam: you were then in somewhat a
humbler style - the daughter of a plain country squire. Recol-
lect, Lady Teazle, when I saw you first sitting at your tambour,
in a pretty figured linen gown, with a bunch of keys at your
side, your hair combed smooth over a roll, and your apartment
hung round with fruits in worsted, of your own working.
Lady Teazle-Oh, yes! I remember it very well, and a curi-
ous life I led. My daily occupation to inspect the dairy, superin-
tend the poultry, make extracts from the family receipt-book, and
comb my Aunt Deborah's lapdog.
Sir Peter-Yes, yes, ma'am, 'twas so indeed.
Lady Teazle-And then you know my evening amusements!
To draw patterns for ruffles, which I had not materials to make
up; to play Pope Joan with the curate; to read a sermon to my
aunt; or to be stuck down to an old spinet to strum my father
to sleep after a fox-chase.
## p. 13343 (#149) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13343
-
Sir Peter-I am glad you have so good a memory. Yes,
madam, these were the recreations I took you from; but now
you must have your coach-vis-à-vis — and three powdered foot-
men before your chair; and in the summer, a pair of white cats
to draw you to Kensington Gardens. No recollection, I suppose,
when you were content to ride double behind the butler, on a
docked coach-horse.
Lady Teazle - No-I swear I never did that: I deny the but-
ler and the coach-horse.
Sir Peter-This, madam, was your situation; and what have I
done for you? I have made you a woman of fashion, of fortune,
of rank,-in short, I have made you my wife.
Lady Teazle Well then, and there is but one thing more
you can make me to add to the obligation; that is-
Sir Peter- My widow, I suppose?
Lady Teazle - Hem! hem!
Sir Peter-I thank you, madam- but don't flatter yourself;
for though your ill conduct may disturb my peace of mind, it
shall never break my heart, I promise you: however, I am
equally obliged to you for the hint.
Lady Teazle-Then why will you endeavor to make your-
self so disagreeable to me, and thwart me in every little elegant
expense?
Sir Peter-'Slife, madam, I say, had you any of these little
elegant expenses when you married me?
Lady Teazle-Lud, Sir Peter! would you have me be out of
the fashion?
-
Sir Peter-The fashion, indeed! what had you to do with the
fashion before you married me?
Lady Teazle - For my part, I should think you would like to
have your wife thought a woman of taste.
Zounds! madam, you
Sir Peter-Ay-there again-taste!
had no taste when you married me!
Lady Teazle-That's very true, indeed, Sir Peter! and after
having married you, I should never pretend to taste again, I
allow. But now, Sir Peter, since we have finished our daily jan-
gle, I presume I may go to my engagement at Lady Sneerwell's.
