Under good guidance, espe-
cially if bred to strict silence, he might have been in
some measure a luminous object, -- not as now a
phosphorescent one, shining by its mere rottenness!
cially if bred to strict silence, he might have been in
some measure a luminous object, -- not as now a
phosphorescent one, shining by its mere rottenness!
Thomas Carlyle
It was
originally a simple Smoking-Club; got together on hest
of Nature, without ulterior intentions: -- thus English
Parliamenta themselves are understood to have been,
in the old Norman time, mere royal Christmas-Festi-
vities, with natural colloquy or parleying between King
and Nobles ensuing thereupon, and what wisest consul-
tation concerning the arduous things of the realm the
circumstances gave rise to. Such parleyings or con-
* FBrjter, II. 110.
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? 46 DOUBLE-MARRIAGE PROJECT STARTED, [bookv.
1726.
saltations, -- always two in number in regard to every
matter, it would seem, or even three; one sober, one
drunk, and one just after being drunk, -- proving of
extreme service in practice, grew to be Parliament, with
its three readings, and what not.
A Smoking-room, -- with wooden furniture, we
can suppose, -- in each of his Majesty's royal Palaces,
was set apart for this evening service, and became the
Tabagie of his Majesty. A Tabagie-room in the Ber-
lin Schloss, another in the Potsdam, if the cicerone
had any knowledge, could still be pointed-out: -- but
the Tobacco-pipes that are shown as Friedrich Wil-
helm's, in the Kunstkammer or Museum of Berlin, pipes
which no rational smoker, not compelled to it, would
have used, awaken just doubt as to the cicerones; and
you leave the Locality of the Tabagie a thing con-
jectural. In summer season, at Potsdam and in coun-
try situations, Tabagie could be held under a tent: we
expressly know, his Majesty held Tabagie at Wuster-
hausen nightly on the Steps of the big Fountain, in
the Outer Court there. Issuing from Wusterhausen
Schloss, and its little clipped lindens, by the western
side; passing the sentries, bridge and black ditch, with
live Prussian eagles, vicious black bears, you come
upon the royal Tabagie of Wusterhausen; covered by
an awning, I should think; sending forth its bits of
smoke-clouds, and its hum of human talk, into the
wide free Desert round. Any room that was large
enough, and had height of ceiling, and air-circulation
and no cloth-furniture, would do: and in each Palace
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? CHAP, vn. l
47
TOBACCO-PARLIAMENT.
1726. .
is one, or more than one, that has been fixed-upon and
fitted-out for that object
.
A high large Room, as the Engravings (mostly-
worthless) give it us: contented saturnine human figures,
a dozen or so of them, sitting round a large long
Table, furnished for the occasion; long Dutch pipe in
the mouth of each man; supplies of knaster easily
accessible; small pan of burning peat, in the Dutch
fashion (sandy native charcoal, which burns slowly
without smoke), is at your left hand; at your right a
jug, which I find to consist of excellent thin bitter
beer. Other costlier materials for drinking, if you
want such, are not beyond reach. On side-tables stand
wholesome cold-meats, royal rounds of beef not want-
ing, with bread thinly sliced and buttered: in a rustic
but neat and abundant way, such innocent accommoda-
tions, narcotic or nutritious, gaseous, fluid and solid,
as human nature, bent on contemplation and an even-
ing lounge, can require. Perfect equality is to be the
rule; no rising, or notice taken, when anybody enters
or leaves. Let the entering man take his place and
pipe, without obligatory remarks: if he cannot smoke,
which is Seckendorfs case for instance, let him at least
affect to do so, and not ruffle the established stream of
things. And so, Puff, slowly Pff! -- and any com-
fortable speech that is in you; or none, if you authen-
tically have not any.
Old official gentlemen, military for most part;
Grumkow, Derschau, Old-Dessauer (when at hand),
Seckendorf, old General Flans (rugged Platt-Deutsch
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? 48
DOUBLE-MARRIAGE PROJECT STARTED, [book V.
1726.
specimen, capable of tocadille or backgammon, capable
of rough slashes of sarcasm when he opens his old
beard for speech): these, and the like of these, intimate
confidants of the King, men who could speak a little,
or who could be socially silent otherwise, -- seem to
have been the staple of the Institution. Strangers
of mark, who happened to be passing, were occasional
guests; Ginckel the Dutch Ambassador, though foreign
like Seckendorf, was well-seen there; garrulous Pollnitz,
who has wandered-over all the world, had a standing
invitation. Kings, high Princes on visit, were sure to
have the honour. The Crown-Prince, now and after-
wards, was often present; oftener than he liked, -- in
such an atmosphere, in such an element. "The little
"Princes were all wont to come in," doffing their bits
of triangular hats, "and bid Papa goodnight. One of
"the old Generals would sometimes put them through
"their exercise; and the little creatures were unwilling
"to go away to bed. "
In such Assemblage, when business of importance,
foreign or domestic, was not occupying the royal
thoughts, -- the Talk, we can believe, was rambling
and multifarious: the day's hunting, if at Wusterhausen;
the day's news, if at Berlin or Potsdam; old re-
miniscences, too, I can fancy, turning-up, and talk,
even in Seckendorf's own time, about siege of Menin
(where your Majesty first did me the honour of some
notice), Siege of Stralsund, and -- duly on September
11th at least -- Malplaquet, with Marlborough and
Eugene: what Marlborough said, looked: and especially
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? chAp, vrr. 1
49
TOBACCO-PARLIAMENT,
1726.
Lottum, late Feldmarschall Lottum;* and how the
Prussian Infantry held firm, like a wall of rocks, when
the horse were swept away, -- rocks highly volcanic,
and capable of rolling forward too; -- and "how a
certain Adjutant" (Derschau smokes harder, and blushes
brown) "snatched poor Tettau on his back, bleeding to
death, amid the iron whirlwinds, and brought him out
of shot-range. "** -- "Hm, na, such a Day, that, Herr
Feldzeugmeister, as we shall not see again till the Last
of the Days! "
Failing talk, there were Newspapers in abundance;
scraggy Dutch Courants, Journals of the Rhine, Famas,
Frankfurt Zeitungs; with which his Majesty exuberantly
supplied himself; -- being willing to know what was
passing in the high places of the world, or even what
in the dark snuffy Editor's thoughts was passing. This kind of matter, as some picture of the actual hour, his
Majesty liked to have read to him, even during meal-
time. Some subordinate character, with clear windpipe,
-- all the better too, if he be a book-man, cognisant
of History, Geography, and can explain everything, --
usually reads the Newspaper from some high seat be-
hind backs, while his Majesty and Household dine.
The same subordinate personage may be worth his
place in the Tabagie, should his function happen to
prove necessary there. Even book-men, though generally
* Died 1719.
** MUitair-Lexikon, It. 78, ? Major-General von Tettau, and i. 348,
? Derschau. This was the beginning of Derschau's favour with Friedrich
Wilhelm, who had witnessed this piece of faithful work.
Carlyte, Frederic the Great. 111. 4
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? 50 DOUBLE-MARRIAGE PROJECT STARTED. [BOOK v.
1726.
pedants and mere bags of wind and folly, are good for
something, more especially if rich mines of quizzability
turn-out to be workable in them.
Of Gundling, and the Literary Men in Tobacco-
Parliament.
Friedrich Wilhelm had, in succession or sometimes
simultaneously, a number of such Nondescripts, to read
his Newspapers and season his Tabagie; -- last evanes-
cent phasis of the old Court-Fool species; -- who form
a noticeable feature of his environment. One very fa-
mous literary gentleman of this description, who dis-
tanced every competitor, in the Tabagie and elsewhere,
for serving his Majesty's occasions, was Jakob Paul
Gundling; a name still laughingly remembered among
the Prussian people. Gundling was a Country Clergy-
man's son, of the Numberg quarter; had studied, carry-
ing-off the honours in various Universities; had read, or
turned-over, whole cartloads of wise and foolish Books
(gravitating, I fear, towards the latter kind); had gone
the Grand Tour as travelling tutor, "as companion to
an English gentleman. " He had seen courts, perhaps
camps, at lowest cities and inns; knew in a manner,
practically and theoretically, all things, and had pub-
lished multifarious Books of his own. * The sublime
long-eared erudition of the man was not to be contested;
manifest to everybody; thrice and four times manifest
to himself, in the first place.
* List of them, Twenty-one in number, mostly on learned Antiquarian
subjects, -- in Forster, ii. 255, 256.
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? cnAP. vII. ] TOBACCO-PARLIAMENT, 51
1726.
In the course of his roamings, and grand and little
tours, he had come to Berlin in old King Friedrich's
time; had thrown powder in the eyes of men there,
and been appointed to Professorships in the Bitter-Aca-
demy, to Chief-Heraldships, -- "Historiographer Royal," and perhaps other honours and emoluments. The whole
of which were cut-down by the ruthless scythe of
Friedrich Wilhelm, ruthlessly mowing his field clear,
in the manner we saw at his Accession. Whereby
learned grandiloquent Gundling, much addicted to li-
quor by this time, and turning the corner of forty, saw
himself cast-forth into the general wilderness; that is to
say, walking the streets of Berlin, with no resources
but what lay within himself and his own hungry skin.
Much given to liquor too. How he lived, for a year
or two after this, -- erudite pen and braggart tongue
his only resources, -- were tragical to say. At length
a famous Tavernkeeper, the "Leipziger Polter-Hans
(Leipzig Kill-Cow, or Boisterous-Jack)," as they call
him, finding what a dungeon of erudite talk this
Gundling was, and how gentlemen got entertained by
him, gave Gundling the run of his Tavern (or, I fear,
only a seat in the drinking-room); and it was here that
General Grumkow found him, talking big, and disserting
de omni scibili, to the ancient Berlin gentlemen over
their cups.
A very Dictionary of a man; who knows, in a
manner, all things; and is by no means ignorant that
he knows them: Would not this man suit his Majesty?
thought Grumkow; and brought him to Majesty, to
4*
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? 52 DOUBLE-MARRIAGE PROJECT STARTED. [bOOKv.
1726.
read the Newspapers and explain everything. Date is
not given, or hinted at; but incidentally we find Gund-
ling in full blast "in the year 1718;"* and conclude
his instalment was a year or two before. Gundling
came to his Majesty from the Taproom of Boisterous-
Jack; read the Newspapers, and explained everything:
such a Dictionary-in-breeches (much given to liquor) as
his Majesty had got, was never seen before. Working
into the man, his Majesty, who had a great taste for
such things, discovered in him such mines of college-
learning, court-learning, without end; self-conceit, and
depth of appetite, not less considerable: in fine, such
Chaotic Blockheadism with the consciousness of being
Wisdom, as was wondrous to behold, -- as filled his Majesty, especially, with laughter and joyful amaze-
ment . Here are mines of native Darkness and Human
Stupidity, capable of being made to phosphoresce and
effervesce, -- are there not, your Majesty? Omniscient
Gundling was a prime resource in the Tabagie, for
many years to come. Man with sublimer stores of
long-eared Learning and Omniscience; man more desti-
tute of Mother-wit, was no-where to be met with. A
man, bankrupt of Mother-wit; -- who has squandered
any poor Mother-wit he had in the process of acquiring
his sublime Long-eared Omniscience; and has retained
only depth of appetite, -- appetite for liquor among
other things, as the consummation and bottomless cess-
pool of appetites: -- is not this a discovery we have
made, in Boisterous-Jack's, your Majesty!
* Von Loen: Kleine Schriflen, i. 201 (cited in Fb'rstcr, i. 260).
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? CHAP. vH. ] TOBACCO-PAKLIAMENT. 53
1726.
The man was an Eldorado for the peculiar quizzing
humour of his Majesty; who took immense delight in
working him, when occasion served. In the first years,
he had to attend his Majesty on all occasions of amuse-
ment; if you invite his Majesty to dinner, Gundling too
must be of the party. Daily, otherwise, Gundling was
at the Tabagie; getting drunk, if nothing better. Vein
after vein, rich in broad fun (very broad and Brobdig-
nagian, such as suits there), is discovered in him: with-
out wit himself, but much the cause of wit. None
oftener shook the Tabagie with inextinguishable Hahas:
daily, by stirring into him, you could wrinkle the Ta-
bagie into grim radiance of banter and silent grins.
He wore sublime clothes: Friedrich Wilhelm, whom
we saw dress-up his regimental Scavenger-Executioners
in French costume, for Count Rothenbui-g's behoof,
made haste to load Gundling with Rathships, Kammer-
herrships, Titles such as fools covet; -- gave him
tolerable pensions too, poor devil, and even functions,
if they were of the imaginary or big-insignificant sort.
Above all things, his Majesty dressed him, as the pink
of fortunate ambitious courtiers. Superfine scarlet coat,
gold buttonholes, black-velvet facings and embroideries
without end: "straw-coloured breeches; red silk stock-
ings," with probably blue clocks to them, "and shoes
with red heels:" on his learned head sat an immense
cloud-periwig of white goats-hair (the man now growing
towards fifty); in the hat a red feather:-- in this guise
he walked the streets, the gold Key of Kammerherr
(Chamberlain) conspicuously hanging at his coat-breast j
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? 54 DOUBLE-MARRIAGE PROJECT STARTED, [book V.
1726.
and looked proudly down upon the world, when sober.
Alas, he was often not sober; and fiends in human
shape were ready enough to take advantage of his un-
guarded situation. No man suffered ruder tarring-and-
feathering;-- and his only comfort was his bane withal,
that he had, under such conditions, the use of the
royal cellars, and could always command good liquor
there.
His illustrious scarlet coat, by tumblings in the
ditch, soon got dirty to a degree; and exposed him to
the biting censures of his Majesty, anxious for the re-
spectability of his Hofraths. One day, two wicked
Captains, finding him prostrate in some lone place, cut-
off his Kammerherr Key; and privately gave it to his
Majesty. Majesty, in Tabagie, notices Gundling's
coat-breast: "Where is your Key, then, Herr Kammer-
herr? " "Hm, hah -- unfortunately lost it, Ihro Ma-
jestat! " -- "Lost it, say you? " and his Majesty looks
dreadfully grave. -- "Key lost? " thinks Tabagie, grave
Seckendorf included: "Jarni-bleu, that is something
serious! " "As if a Soldier were to drink his musket! "
thinks his Majesty: "And what are the laws, if an
ignorant fellow is shot, and a learned wise one escapes? "
Here is matter for a deliberative Tabagie; and to poor
Gundling a bad outlook, fatal or short of fatal. He
had better not even drink much; but dispense with
consolation, and keep his wits about him, till this
squall pass. After much deliberating, it is found that
the royal clemency can be extended; and an outlet de-
vised, under conditions. Next Tabagie, a servant
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? CHAP. TO. ] TOBACCO-PARLIAMENT, 55
1726.
enters with one of the biggest trays in the world, and
upon it a "Wooden Key gilt, about an ell long;"
this gigantic implement is solemnly hung round
the repentant Kammerherr; this he shall wear pub-
licly as penance, and be upon his behaviour, till
the royal mind can relent. Figure the poor block-
head till that happen! "On recovering his metal
key, he goes to a smith, and has it fixed on with
wire. "
What Gundling thought to himself, amid these
pranks and hoaxings, we do not know. The poor soul
was not born a fool; though he had become one, by
college-learning, vanity, strong-drink, and the world's
perversity and his own.
Under good guidance, espe-
cially if bred to strict silence, he might have been in
some measure a luminous object, -- not as now a
phosphorescent one, shining by its mere rottenness! A
sad "Calamity of Authors" indeed, when it overtakes
a man! -- Poor Gundling probably had lucid intervals
now and then; tragic fits of discernment, in the inner-
man of him. He had a Brother, also a learned man,
who retained his senses; and was even a rather famed
Professor at Halle; whose Portrait, looking very aca-
demic, solemn and well-to-do, turns-up in old print-
shops; whose Books, concerning "Henry the Fowler
(De Henrico Aucupe)" "Kaiser Conrad I. ," and other
dim Historical objects, are still consultable, -- though
with little profit, to my experience. The name of this
one was Nicolaus Hieronymus; ours is Jakob Paul, the
senior brother, --- once the hope of the house, it is
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? 56 DOUBLE-MARRIAGE PROJECT STARTED. [BOOK v.
1726.
likely, and a fond Father's pride, in that poor old
Niirnberg Parsonage long ago!
Jakob Paul likewise continued to write Books, on
Brandenburg Heraldries, Topography, Genealogies:
even a "Life" or two of some old Brandenburg Elec-
tors are still extant from his hand; but not looked-at
now by any mortal. He had been, perhaps was again,
Historiographer Royal; and felt bound to write such
Books: several of them he printed; and we hear of
others still manuscript, "in five folio volumes written
fair. " He held innumerable half-mock Titles and Offices;
among others, was actual President of the Berlin Royal
Society, or Academie des Sciences, Leibnitz's pet daughter,
-- there Gundling actually sat in office; and drew the
salary, for one certainty. "As good he as another,"
thought Friedrich Wilhelm: "What is the use of these
solemn fellows, in their big perukes, with their crabbed
x + y's, and scientific Pedlar's-French; doing nothing
that I can see, except annually the Berlin Almanac,
which they live upon? Let them live upon it, and be
thankful; with Gundling for their head man. "
Academy of Sciences makes its Almanac, and some
peculium of profit by it; lectures perhaps a little "on
Anatomy" (good for something, that, in his Majesty's
mind); but languishes without encouragement during
the present reign. Has his Majesty no prize-questions
to propose, then? None, or worse. He once officially
put these learned Associates upon ascertaining for him
"Why Champagne foamed? " They, with a hidden
vein of pleasantry, required "material to experiment
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? chAp. vn. ]
57
TOBACCO-PARLIAMENT.
1726.
upon. " Friedrich Wilhelm sent them a dozen, or cer-
tain dozens; and the matter proved insoluble to this
day. No King, scarcely any man, had less of reve-
rence for the Sciences so-called; for Academic culture,
and the art of the Talking-Schoolmaster in general! A
King obtuse to the fine Arts, especially to the vocal
Arts, in a high degree. Literary fame itself he regards
as mountebank fame; the art of writing big admirable
folios is little better to him than that of vomiting long
coils of wonderful ribbon, for the idlers of the market-
place; and he bear-baits his Gundling, in this manner,
as phosphorescent blockhead of the first magnitude,
worthy of nothing better.
Nay it is but lately (1723 the exact year), that he
did his ever-memorable feat in regard to Wolf and his
Philosophy, at Halle. Illustrious Wolf was recognised,
at that time, as the second greater Leibnitz, and Head-
Philosopher of Nature, who "by mathematical method"'
had as it were taken Nature in the fact, and illuminated
everything, so that whosoever ran might read, -- which
all manner of people then tried to do, but have now
quite ceased trying "by the Wolf-method:" -- Immortal
Wolf, somewhat of a stiff, reserved humour, inwardly
a little proud, and not wanting in private contempt of
the contemptible, had been accused of heterodoxy by
the Halle Theologians. Immortal Wolf, croakily sati-
rical withal, had of course defended himself; and of
course got into a shoreless sea of controversy with the
Halle Theologians; pestering his Majesty with mere
wars, and rumours of war, for a length of time, from
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? 58
DOUBLE-MARRIAGE PROJECT STARTED. [BOOK v.
1720.
that Halle Unisersity. * So that Majesty, unable to
distinguish top or bottom in such a coil of argument;
or to do justice in the case, however willing and anxi-
ous, often passionately asked: "What, in God's name,
is the real truth of it? " Majesty appointed Commis-
sions to inquire; read Reports; could for a long while
make out nothing certain. At last came a decision on
the sudden; -- royal mind suddenly illuminated, it is
a little uncertain how. Some give the credit of it to
Gundling, which is unlikely; others to "Two Generals"
of pious orthodox turn, acquainted with Halle; -- and
I have heard obscurely that it was the Old Dessauer,
who also knew Halle; and was no doubt wearied to
hear nothing talked-of there but injured Philosopher
Wolf, and injuring Theologian Lange, or vice versa.
Some practical military man, not given to take-up with
shadows, it likeliest was. "In God's name, what is
the real truth of all that? " inquired his Majesty, of the
practical man: "Does Wolf teach hellish doctrines, as
Lange says, or heavenly, as himself says? " "Teaches
babble mainly, I should think, and scientific Pedlar's-
French," intimated the practical man: "But they say
he has one doctrine about oaths, and what he calls
foundation of duty, which I did not like. Not a
heavenly doctrine that. Follow out that, any of your
Majesty's grenadiers might desert, and say he had done
no sin against God! "** Friedrich Wilhelm flew into a
* In BUsching (Beitrdge, i. 1-140) is rough authentic account of Woif,
and especially of all that, -- with several curious Letters of Wolfs.
** BUsching. i. 8; Beneckendorf, Karakterzuge ails dem heben Konig
Friedrich Wilhelm I. (Anonymous, Berlin, 1787), ii. 23.
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? CHAP, vn. ]
59
TOBACCO-PARLIAMENT,
172G.
paroxysm of horror; instantly redacted brief Royal De-
cree * (which is still extant among the curiosities of the
Universe), ordering Wolf to quit Halle and the Prussian
Dominions, bag and baggage, forevermore, within eight-
and-forty hours, "bey Strafe des Stranges, under pain
of the halter! "
Halter: the Head-Philosopher of Nature, found too
late, will be hanged, as if he were a sheepstealer;
hanged, and no mistake! Poor Wolf gathered himself
together, wife and baggage; girded-up his loins; and
ran with the due despatch. He is now found sheltered
under Hessen-Darmstadt, at Marburg, professing some-
thing there; and all the intellect of the world is struck
with astonishment, and with silent or vocal pity for the
poor man. -- It is but fair to say, Friedrich Wilhelm,
gradually taking notice of the world's humour in regard
to this, began to have his own misgivings; and deter-
mined to read some of Wolf s Books for himself. Reading
in Wolf, he had sense to discern that here was a man
of undeniable talent and integrity; that the Practical
Military judgment, loading with the iron ramrod, had
shot wide of the mark, in this matter; and, in short,
that a palpable bit of foul-play had been done. This
was in 1733; -- ten years after the shot, when his
Majesty saw, with his own eyes, how wide it had gone.
He applied to Wolf earnestly, more than once, to come
back to him: Halle, Frankfort, any Prussian University
with a vacancy in it, was now wide-open to Wolf. But
Wolf knew better: Wolf, with bows down to the ground,
* 15th November (Bflsching says 8th) 1723
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? 60 DODBLE-MABEIAGE PROJECT STARTED. [BOOK V.
1726.
answered always evadingly; -- and never would come
back till the New Reign began.
Friedrich Wilhelm knew little of Book-learning, or
Book-writing; and his notion of it is very shocking to
us. But the fact is, 0 reader, Book-writing is of two
kinds: one wise, and may be among the wisest of
earthly things; the other foolish, sometimes far beyond
what can be reached by human nature elsewhere. Block-
headism, Unwisdom, while silent, is reckoned bad; but
Blockheadism getting vocal, able to speak persuasively,
-- have you considered that at all? Human Opacity
falling into Phosphorescence; that is to say, becoming
luminous (to itself and to many mortals) by the very
excess of it, by the very bursting of it into putrid fer-
mentation: -- all other forms of Chaos are cosmic in
comparison! -- Our poor Friedrich Wilhelm had seen
only Gundlings among the Book-writing class: had he
seen wiser specimens, he might have formed, as he did
in Wolfs case, another judgment. Nay in regard to
Gundling himself, it is observable how, with his un-
utterable contempt, he seems to notice in him glimpses
of the admirable (such acquirements, such dictionary-
faculties, though gone distracted! ), -- and almost has
a kind of love for the absurd dog. Gundling's pensions
amount to something like 1501. ; an immense sum in
this Court. * A blockhead admirable in some sorts; and
of immense resource in Tobacco-Parliament when busi-
ness is slack! --
No end to the wild pranks, theHouyhnm horseplay
* FBrster, i. 2t>3, 284 (if you can reconcile the two passages).
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? C8AP. vn. ]
61
TOBACCO-PARLIAMENT,
1726.
they had with drunken Gundling. He has staggered
out in a drunk state, and found, or not clearly found
till the morrow, young bears lying in his bed; -- has
found his room-door walled-up; been obliged to grope
about, staggering from door to door and from port to
port, and land ultimately in the big Bears' den, who
hugged and squeezed him inhumanly there. Once at
Wusterhausen, staggering blind-drunk out of the Schloss
towards his lair, the sentries at the Bridge (instigated
to it by theHouyhnms, who look on) pretend to fasten
some military blame on him: Why has he omitted or
committed so-and-so? Gundling's drunk answer is un-
satisfactory. "Arrest, Herr Kammerrath, is it to be
that, then! " They hustle him about, among the Bears
which lodge there;-- at length they lay him horizontally
across two ropes; take to swinging him hither and
thither, up and down, across the black Acherontic Ditch, which is frozen-over, it being the dead of winter:
one of the ropes, lower rope, breaks; Gundling comes
souse upon the ice, with his sitting-part; breaks a big
hole in the ice, and scarcely with legs, arms and the
remaining rope, can be got-out undrowned. *
If, with natural indignation, he shut his door, and
refuse to come to the Tabagie, they knock-in a panel
of his door; and force him out with crackers, fireworks,
rockets and malodorous projectiles. Once the poor block-
head, becoming human for a moment, went clean away;
* Fb'rstor (i. 254-280); founding, I suppose, on Leben und Thalen de*
Preiherrn Paul von Gundling (Berlin, 1795); probably not one of the ex-
actest Biographies*
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? G2
DOUBLE-MARRIAGE PROJECT STARTED. [book v.
1726.
to Halle where his Brother was, or to some safer place:
but the due inveiglements, sublime apologies, increase
of titles, salaries, were used; and the indispensable
PhosphorescentBlockhead, and President of the Academy
of Pedlar's-French, was got back. Drink remained al-
ways as his consolation; drink, and the deathless Vo-
lumes he was writing and printing. Sublime returns
came to him, -- Kaiser's Portrait set in diamonds, on
one occasion, -- for his Presentation-Copies in high
quarters: immortal fame, is it not his clear portion; still
more clearly abundance of good wine. Friedrich Wil-
helm did not let him want for Titles; -- raised him at
last to the Peerage; drawing out the Diploma and Ar-
morial Blazonry, in a truly Friedrich-Wilhelm manner,
with his own hand. The Gundlings, in virtue of the
transcendent intellect and merits of this Founder Gund-
ling, are, and are hereby declared to be, of Baronial
dignity to the last scion of them; and in "all Ritter-
"Eennen (Tournaments), Battles, Fights, Camp-pitchings,
"Sealings, Signetings, shall and may use the above-
"said Shield of Arms," -- if it can be of any advantage
to them. A Prussian Majesty who gives us 150 I. yearly,
with board and lodging and the run of his cellar, and
honours such as these, is not to be lightly sneezed-
away, though of queer humours now and then. The
highest Personages, as we said, more than once made
gifts to Gundling; miniatures set in diamonds; purses
of a hundred ducats: even Gundling, it was thought,
might throw-in a word, mad or otherwise, which would
bear fruit. It was said of him, he never spoke to harm
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? CHAP, vn. ]
63
TOBACCO-PAULIAMENT,
1726.
anybody with his Majesty. The poor blown-up block-
head was radically not ill-natured, -- at least, if you
let his "phosphorescences" alone.
But the grandest explosions, in Tobacco-Parliament,
were producible, when you got Two literary fools; and,
as if with Leyden-jars, positive and negative, brought
their vanities to bear on one another. This sometimes
happened, when Tobacco-Parliament was in luck.
Friedrich Wilhelm had a variety of Merry-Andrew Raths
of the Gundling sort, though none ever came up toGund-
ling, or approached him, in worth as a Merry-Andrew.
Herr Fassmann, who wrote Books, by Patronage or
for the Leipzig Booksellers, and wandered about the
world as a star or comet of some magnitude, is not
much known to my readers: -- but he is too well
known to me, for certain dark Books of his which I
have had to read. * A very dim Literary Figure; un-
deniable, indecipherable Human Fact, of those days;
now fallen quite extinct and obsolete; his garniture,
equipment, environment all very dark to us. Probably
a too restless, imponderous creature, too much of the
Gundling type; structure of him gaseous, not solid.
Perhaps a little of the coxcomb naturally; much of the
sycophant, on compulsion,-- being sorely jammed into
corners, and without elbow-room at all, in this world.
Has, for the rest, a recognisable talent for "Magazine
writing," -- for Newspaper editing, had that rich mine,
* Life of Friedrich Wilhelm, occasionally cited here: Life of August the Strong; Ac.
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? 64 DOUBLE-MARRIAGE PROJECT STARTED. [B00K v"
1726.
"California of the Spiritually Vagabond," been opened
in those days. Poor extinct Fassmann, one discovers
at last a vein of weak geniality in him; here and there,
real human sense and eyesight, under those strange
conditions; and his poor Books, rotted now to inanity,
have left a small seed-pearl or two, to the earnest
reader. Alas, if he was to become "spiritually vaga-
bond" ("spiritually" and otherwise), might it not per-
haps be wholesome to him that the California was not
discovered? --
Fassmann was by no means such a fool as Gund-
ling; but he was much of a fool too. He had come to
Berlin, about this time,* in hopes of patronage from
the King or somebody; might say to himself, "Surely
I am a better man than Gundling, if the Berlin Court
has eyesight. " By the King, on some wise General's
recommending it, he was, as a preliminary, introduced to
the Tabagie at least. Here is the celebrated Gundling;
there is the celebrated Fassmann. Positive Leyden-jar,
with negative close by: in each of these two men lodges
a full-charged fiery electric virtue of self-conceit; destruc-
tive each of the other, -- could a conductor be discovered.
Conductors are discoverable, conductors are not wanting:
and many are the explosions between these mutually-
destructive human varieties; -- welcomed with hilarious,
rather vacant, huge horse-laughter, in this Tobacco-
Parliament and Synod of the Houyhnms.
Of which take this acme; and then end. Fassmann,
a fellow not without sarcasm and sharpness, as you may
* 1726, as he himself says (supra, p. 580).
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originally a simple Smoking-Club; got together on hest
of Nature, without ulterior intentions: -- thus English
Parliamenta themselves are understood to have been,
in the old Norman time, mere royal Christmas-Festi-
vities, with natural colloquy or parleying between King
and Nobles ensuing thereupon, and what wisest consul-
tation concerning the arduous things of the realm the
circumstances gave rise to. Such parleyings or con-
* FBrjter, II. 110.
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? 46 DOUBLE-MARRIAGE PROJECT STARTED, [bookv.
1726.
saltations, -- always two in number in regard to every
matter, it would seem, or even three; one sober, one
drunk, and one just after being drunk, -- proving of
extreme service in practice, grew to be Parliament, with
its three readings, and what not.
A Smoking-room, -- with wooden furniture, we
can suppose, -- in each of his Majesty's royal Palaces,
was set apart for this evening service, and became the
Tabagie of his Majesty. A Tabagie-room in the Ber-
lin Schloss, another in the Potsdam, if the cicerone
had any knowledge, could still be pointed-out: -- but
the Tobacco-pipes that are shown as Friedrich Wil-
helm's, in the Kunstkammer or Museum of Berlin, pipes
which no rational smoker, not compelled to it, would
have used, awaken just doubt as to the cicerones; and
you leave the Locality of the Tabagie a thing con-
jectural. In summer season, at Potsdam and in coun-
try situations, Tabagie could be held under a tent: we
expressly know, his Majesty held Tabagie at Wuster-
hausen nightly on the Steps of the big Fountain, in
the Outer Court there. Issuing from Wusterhausen
Schloss, and its little clipped lindens, by the western
side; passing the sentries, bridge and black ditch, with
live Prussian eagles, vicious black bears, you come
upon the royal Tabagie of Wusterhausen; covered by
an awning, I should think; sending forth its bits of
smoke-clouds, and its hum of human talk, into the
wide free Desert round. Any room that was large
enough, and had height of ceiling, and air-circulation
and no cloth-furniture, would do: and in each Palace
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? CHAP, vn. l
47
TOBACCO-PARLIAMENT.
1726. .
is one, or more than one, that has been fixed-upon and
fitted-out for that object
.
A high large Room, as the Engravings (mostly-
worthless) give it us: contented saturnine human figures,
a dozen or so of them, sitting round a large long
Table, furnished for the occasion; long Dutch pipe in
the mouth of each man; supplies of knaster easily
accessible; small pan of burning peat, in the Dutch
fashion (sandy native charcoal, which burns slowly
without smoke), is at your left hand; at your right a
jug, which I find to consist of excellent thin bitter
beer. Other costlier materials for drinking, if you
want such, are not beyond reach. On side-tables stand
wholesome cold-meats, royal rounds of beef not want-
ing, with bread thinly sliced and buttered: in a rustic
but neat and abundant way, such innocent accommoda-
tions, narcotic or nutritious, gaseous, fluid and solid,
as human nature, bent on contemplation and an even-
ing lounge, can require. Perfect equality is to be the
rule; no rising, or notice taken, when anybody enters
or leaves. Let the entering man take his place and
pipe, without obligatory remarks: if he cannot smoke,
which is Seckendorfs case for instance, let him at least
affect to do so, and not ruffle the established stream of
things. And so, Puff, slowly Pff! -- and any com-
fortable speech that is in you; or none, if you authen-
tically have not any.
Old official gentlemen, military for most part;
Grumkow, Derschau, Old-Dessauer (when at hand),
Seckendorf, old General Flans (rugged Platt-Deutsch
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? 48
DOUBLE-MARRIAGE PROJECT STARTED, [book V.
1726.
specimen, capable of tocadille or backgammon, capable
of rough slashes of sarcasm when he opens his old
beard for speech): these, and the like of these, intimate
confidants of the King, men who could speak a little,
or who could be socially silent otherwise, -- seem to
have been the staple of the Institution. Strangers
of mark, who happened to be passing, were occasional
guests; Ginckel the Dutch Ambassador, though foreign
like Seckendorf, was well-seen there; garrulous Pollnitz,
who has wandered-over all the world, had a standing
invitation. Kings, high Princes on visit, were sure to
have the honour. The Crown-Prince, now and after-
wards, was often present; oftener than he liked, -- in
such an atmosphere, in such an element. "The little
"Princes were all wont to come in," doffing their bits
of triangular hats, "and bid Papa goodnight. One of
"the old Generals would sometimes put them through
"their exercise; and the little creatures were unwilling
"to go away to bed. "
In such Assemblage, when business of importance,
foreign or domestic, was not occupying the royal
thoughts, -- the Talk, we can believe, was rambling
and multifarious: the day's hunting, if at Wusterhausen;
the day's news, if at Berlin or Potsdam; old re-
miniscences, too, I can fancy, turning-up, and talk,
even in Seckendorf's own time, about siege of Menin
(where your Majesty first did me the honour of some
notice), Siege of Stralsund, and -- duly on September
11th at least -- Malplaquet, with Marlborough and
Eugene: what Marlborough said, looked: and especially
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? chAp, vrr. 1
49
TOBACCO-PARLIAMENT,
1726.
Lottum, late Feldmarschall Lottum;* and how the
Prussian Infantry held firm, like a wall of rocks, when
the horse were swept away, -- rocks highly volcanic,
and capable of rolling forward too; -- and "how a
certain Adjutant" (Derschau smokes harder, and blushes
brown) "snatched poor Tettau on his back, bleeding to
death, amid the iron whirlwinds, and brought him out
of shot-range. "** -- "Hm, na, such a Day, that, Herr
Feldzeugmeister, as we shall not see again till the Last
of the Days! "
Failing talk, there were Newspapers in abundance;
scraggy Dutch Courants, Journals of the Rhine, Famas,
Frankfurt Zeitungs; with which his Majesty exuberantly
supplied himself; -- being willing to know what was
passing in the high places of the world, or even what
in the dark snuffy Editor's thoughts was passing. This kind of matter, as some picture of the actual hour, his
Majesty liked to have read to him, even during meal-
time. Some subordinate character, with clear windpipe,
-- all the better too, if he be a book-man, cognisant
of History, Geography, and can explain everything, --
usually reads the Newspaper from some high seat be-
hind backs, while his Majesty and Household dine.
The same subordinate personage may be worth his
place in the Tabagie, should his function happen to
prove necessary there. Even book-men, though generally
* Died 1719.
** MUitair-Lexikon, It. 78, ? Major-General von Tettau, and i. 348,
? Derschau. This was the beginning of Derschau's favour with Friedrich
Wilhelm, who had witnessed this piece of faithful work.
Carlyte, Frederic the Great. 111. 4
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? 50 DOUBLE-MARRIAGE PROJECT STARTED. [BOOK v.
1726.
pedants and mere bags of wind and folly, are good for
something, more especially if rich mines of quizzability
turn-out to be workable in them.
Of Gundling, and the Literary Men in Tobacco-
Parliament.
Friedrich Wilhelm had, in succession or sometimes
simultaneously, a number of such Nondescripts, to read
his Newspapers and season his Tabagie; -- last evanes-
cent phasis of the old Court-Fool species; -- who form
a noticeable feature of his environment. One very fa-
mous literary gentleman of this description, who dis-
tanced every competitor, in the Tabagie and elsewhere,
for serving his Majesty's occasions, was Jakob Paul
Gundling; a name still laughingly remembered among
the Prussian people. Gundling was a Country Clergy-
man's son, of the Numberg quarter; had studied, carry-
ing-off the honours in various Universities; had read, or
turned-over, whole cartloads of wise and foolish Books
(gravitating, I fear, towards the latter kind); had gone
the Grand Tour as travelling tutor, "as companion to
an English gentleman. " He had seen courts, perhaps
camps, at lowest cities and inns; knew in a manner,
practically and theoretically, all things, and had pub-
lished multifarious Books of his own. * The sublime
long-eared erudition of the man was not to be contested;
manifest to everybody; thrice and four times manifest
to himself, in the first place.
* List of them, Twenty-one in number, mostly on learned Antiquarian
subjects, -- in Forster, ii. 255, 256.
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? cnAP. vII. ] TOBACCO-PARLIAMENT, 51
1726.
In the course of his roamings, and grand and little
tours, he had come to Berlin in old King Friedrich's
time; had thrown powder in the eyes of men there,
and been appointed to Professorships in the Bitter-Aca-
demy, to Chief-Heraldships, -- "Historiographer Royal," and perhaps other honours and emoluments. The whole
of which were cut-down by the ruthless scythe of
Friedrich Wilhelm, ruthlessly mowing his field clear,
in the manner we saw at his Accession. Whereby
learned grandiloquent Gundling, much addicted to li-
quor by this time, and turning the corner of forty, saw
himself cast-forth into the general wilderness; that is to
say, walking the streets of Berlin, with no resources
but what lay within himself and his own hungry skin.
Much given to liquor too. How he lived, for a year
or two after this, -- erudite pen and braggart tongue
his only resources, -- were tragical to say. At length
a famous Tavernkeeper, the "Leipziger Polter-Hans
(Leipzig Kill-Cow, or Boisterous-Jack)," as they call
him, finding what a dungeon of erudite talk this
Gundling was, and how gentlemen got entertained by
him, gave Gundling the run of his Tavern (or, I fear,
only a seat in the drinking-room); and it was here that
General Grumkow found him, talking big, and disserting
de omni scibili, to the ancient Berlin gentlemen over
their cups.
A very Dictionary of a man; who knows, in a
manner, all things; and is by no means ignorant that
he knows them: Would not this man suit his Majesty?
thought Grumkow; and brought him to Majesty, to
4*
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? 52 DOUBLE-MARRIAGE PROJECT STARTED. [bOOKv.
1726.
read the Newspapers and explain everything. Date is
not given, or hinted at; but incidentally we find Gund-
ling in full blast "in the year 1718;"* and conclude
his instalment was a year or two before. Gundling
came to his Majesty from the Taproom of Boisterous-
Jack; read the Newspapers, and explained everything:
such a Dictionary-in-breeches (much given to liquor) as
his Majesty had got, was never seen before. Working
into the man, his Majesty, who had a great taste for
such things, discovered in him such mines of college-
learning, court-learning, without end; self-conceit, and
depth of appetite, not less considerable: in fine, such
Chaotic Blockheadism with the consciousness of being
Wisdom, as was wondrous to behold, -- as filled his Majesty, especially, with laughter and joyful amaze-
ment . Here are mines of native Darkness and Human
Stupidity, capable of being made to phosphoresce and
effervesce, -- are there not, your Majesty? Omniscient
Gundling was a prime resource in the Tabagie, for
many years to come. Man with sublimer stores of
long-eared Learning and Omniscience; man more desti-
tute of Mother-wit, was no-where to be met with. A
man, bankrupt of Mother-wit; -- who has squandered
any poor Mother-wit he had in the process of acquiring
his sublime Long-eared Omniscience; and has retained
only depth of appetite, -- appetite for liquor among
other things, as the consummation and bottomless cess-
pool of appetites: -- is not this a discovery we have
made, in Boisterous-Jack's, your Majesty!
* Von Loen: Kleine Schriflen, i. 201 (cited in Fb'rstcr, i. 260).
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? CHAP. vH. ] TOBACCO-PAKLIAMENT. 53
1726.
The man was an Eldorado for the peculiar quizzing
humour of his Majesty; who took immense delight in
working him, when occasion served. In the first years,
he had to attend his Majesty on all occasions of amuse-
ment; if you invite his Majesty to dinner, Gundling too
must be of the party. Daily, otherwise, Gundling was
at the Tabagie; getting drunk, if nothing better. Vein
after vein, rich in broad fun (very broad and Brobdig-
nagian, such as suits there), is discovered in him: with-
out wit himself, but much the cause of wit. None
oftener shook the Tabagie with inextinguishable Hahas:
daily, by stirring into him, you could wrinkle the Ta-
bagie into grim radiance of banter and silent grins.
He wore sublime clothes: Friedrich Wilhelm, whom
we saw dress-up his regimental Scavenger-Executioners
in French costume, for Count Rothenbui-g's behoof,
made haste to load Gundling with Rathships, Kammer-
herrships, Titles such as fools covet; -- gave him
tolerable pensions too, poor devil, and even functions,
if they were of the imaginary or big-insignificant sort.
Above all things, his Majesty dressed him, as the pink
of fortunate ambitious courtiers. Superfine scarlet coat,
gold buttonholes, black-velvet facings and embroideries
without end: "straw-coloured breeches; red silk stock-
ings," with probably blue clocks to them, "and shoes
with red heels:" on his learned head sat an immense
cloud-periwig of white goats-hair (the man now growing
towards fifty); in the hat a red feather:-- in this guise
he walked the streets, the gold Key of Kammerherr
(Chamberlain) conspicuously hanging at his coat-breast j
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? 54 DOUBLE-MARRIAGE PROJECT STARTED, [book V.
1726.
and looked proudly down upon the world, when sober.
Alas, he was often not sober; and fiends in human
shape were ready enough to take advantage of his un-
guarded situation. No man suffered ruder tarring-and-
feathering;-- and his only comfort was his bane withal,
that he had, under such conditions, the use of the
royal cellars, and could always command good liquor
there.
His illustrious scarlet coat, by tumblings in the
ditch, soon got dirty to a degree; and exposed him to
the biting censures of his Majesty, anxious for the re-
spectability of his Hofraths. One day, two wicked
Captains, finding him prostrate in some lone place, cut-
off his Kammerherr Key; and privately gave it to his
Majesty. Majesty, in Tabagie, notices Gundling's
coat-breast: "Where is your Key, then, Herr Kammer-
herr? " "Hm, hah -- unfortunately lost it, Ihro Ma-
jestat! " -- "Lost it, say you? " and his Majesty looks
dreadfully grave. -- "Key lost? " thinks Tabagie, grave
Seckendorf included: "Jarni-bleu, that is something
serious! " "As if a Soldier were to drink his musket! "
thinks his Majesty: "And what are the laws, if an
ignorant fellow is shot, and a learned wise one escapes? "
Here is matter for a deliberative Tabagie; and to poor
Gundling a bad outlook, fatal or short of fatal. He
had better not even drink much; but dispense with
consolation, and keep his wits about him, till this
squall pass. After much deliberating, it is found that
the royal clemency can be extended; and an outlet de-
vised, under conditions. Next Tabagie, a servant
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? CHAP. TO. ] TOBACCO-PARLIAMENT, 55
1726.
enters with one of the biggest trays in the world, and
upon it a "Wooden Key gilt, about an ell long;"
this gigantic implement is solemnly hung round
the repentant Kammerherr; this he shall wear pub-
licly as penance, and be upon his behaviour, till
the royal mind can relent. Figure the poor block-
head till that happen! "On recovering his metal
key, he goes to a smith, and has it fixed on with
wire. "
What Gundling thought to himself, amid these
pranks and hoaxings, we do not know. The poor soul
was not born a fool; though he had become one, by
college-learning, vanity, strong-drink, and the world's
perversity and his own.
Under good guidance, espe-
cially if bred to strict silence, he might have been in
some measure a luminous object, -- not as now a
phosphorescent one, shining by its mere rottenness! A
sad "Calamity of Authors" indeed, when it overtakes
a man! -- Poor Gundling probably had lucid intervals
now and then; tragic fits of discernment, in the inner-
man of him. He had a Brother, also a learned man,
who retained his senses; and was even a rather famed
Professor at Halle; whose Portrait, looking very aca-
demic, solemn and well-to-do, turns-up in old print-
shops; whose Books, concerning "Henry the Fowler
(De Henrico Aucupe)" "Kaiser Conrad I. ," and other
dim Historical objects, are still consultable, -- though
with little profit, to my experience. The name of this
one was Nicolaus Hieronymus; ours is Jakob Paul, the
senior brother, --- once the hope of the house, it is
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1726.
likely, and a fond Father's pride, in that poor old
Niirnberg Parsonage long ago!
Jakob Paul likewise continued to write Books, on
Brandenburg Heraldries, Topography, Genealogies:
even a "Life" or two of some old Brandenburg Elec-
tors are still extant from his hand; but not looked-at
now by any mortal. He had been, perhaps was again,
Historiographer Royal; and felt bound to write such
Books: several of them he printed; and we hear of
others still manuscript, "in five folio volumes written
fair. " He held innumerable half-mock Titles and Offices;
among others, was actual President of the Berlin Royal
Society, or Academie des Sciences, Leibnitz's pet daughter,
-- there Gundling actually sat in office; and drew the
salary, for one certainty. "As good he as another,"
thought Friedrich Wilhelm: "What is the use of these
solemn fellows, in their big perukes, with their crabbed
x + y's, and scientific Pedlar's-French; doing nothing
that I can see, except annually the Berlin Almanac,
which they live upon? Let them live upon it, and be
thankful; with Gundling for their head man. "
Academy of Sciences makes its Almanac, and some
peculium of profit by it; lectures perhaps a little "on
Anatomy" (good for something, that, in his Majesty's
mind); but languishes without encouragement during
the present reign. Has his Majesty no prize-questions
to propose, then? None, or worse. He once officially
put these learned Associates upon ascertaining for him
"Why Champagne foamed? " They, with a hidden
vein of pleasantry, required "material to experiment
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? chAp. vn. ]
57
TOBACCO-PARLIAMENT.
1726.
upon. " Friedrich Wilhelm sent them a dozen, or cer-
tain dozens; and the matter proved insoluble to this
day. No King, scarcely any man, had less of reve-
rence for the Sciences so-called; for Academic culture,
and the art of the Talking-Schoolmaster in general! A
King obtuse to the fine Arts, especially to the vocal
Arts, in a high degree. Literary fame itself he regards
as mountebank fame; the art of writing big admirable
folios is little better to him than that of vomiting long
coils of wonderful ribbon, for the idlers of the market-
place; and he bear-baits his Gundling, in this manner,
as phosphorescent blockhead of the first magnitude,
worthy of nothing better.
Nay it is but lately (1723 the exact year), that he
did his ever-memorable feat in regard to Wolf and his
Philosophy, at Halle. Illustrious Wolf was recognised,
at that time, as the second greater Leibnitz, and Head-
Philosopher of Nature, who "by mathematical method"'
had as it were taken Nature in the fact, and illuminated
everything, so that whosoever ran might read, -- which
all manner of people then tried to do, but have now
quite ceased trying "by the Wolf-method:" -- Immortal
Wolf, somewhat of a stiff, reserved humour, inwardly
a little proud, and not wanting in private contempt of
the contemptible, had been accused of heterodoxy by
the Halle Theologians. Immortal Wolf, croakily sati-
rical withal, had of course defended himself; and of
course got into a shoreless sea of controversy with the
Halle Theologians; pestering his Majesty with mere
wars, and rumours of war, for a length of time, from
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DOUBLE-MARRIAGE PROJECT STARTED. [BOOK v.
1720.
that Halle Unisersity. * So that Majesty, unable to
distinguish top or bottom in such a coil of argument;
or to do justice in the case, however willing and anxi-
ous, often passionately asked: "What, in God's name,
is the real truth of it? " Majesty appointed Commis-
sions to inquire; read Reports; could for a long while
make out nothing certain. At last came a decision on
the sudden; -- royal mind suddenly illuminated, it is
a little uncertain how. Some give the credit of it to
Gundling, which is unlikely; others to "Two Generals"
of pious orthodox turn, acquainted with Halle; -- and
I have heard obscurely that it was the Old Dessauer,
who also knew Halle; and was no doubt wearied to
hear nothing talked-of there but injured Philosopher
Wolf, and injuring Theologian Lange, or vice versa.
Some practical military man, not given to take-up with
shadows, it likeliest was. "In God's name, what is
the real truth of all that? " inquired his Majesty, of the
practical man: "Does Wolf teach hellish doctrines, as
Lange says, or heavenly, as himself says? " "Teaches
babble mainly, I should think, and scientific Pedlar's-
French," intimated the practical man: "But they say
he has one doctrine about oaths, and what he calls
foundation of duty, which I did not like. Not a
heavenly doctrine that. Follow out that, any of your
Majesty's grenadiers might desert, and say he had done
no sin against God! "** Friedrich Wilhelm flew into a
* In BUsching (Beitrdge, i. 1-140) is rough authentic account of Woif,
and especially of all that, -- with several curious Letters of Wolfs.
** BUsching. i. 8; Beneckendorf, Karakterzuge ails dem heben Konig
Friedrich Wilhelm I. (Anonymous, Berlin, 1787), ii. 23.
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? CHAP, vn. ]
59
TOBACCO-PARLIAMENT,
172G.
paroxysm of horror; instantly redacted brief Royal De-
cree * (which is still extant among the curiosities of the
Universe), ordering Wolf to quit Halle and the Prussian
Dominions, bag and baggage, forevermore, within eight-
and-forty hours, "bey Strafe des Stranges, under pain
of the halter! "
Halter: the Head-Philosopher of Nature, found too
late, will be hanged, as if he were a sheepstealer;
hanged, and no mistake! Poor Wolf gathered himself
together, wife and baggage; girded-up his loins; and
ran with the due despatch. He is now found sheltered
under Hessen-Darmstadt, at Marburg, professing some-
thing there; and all the intellect of the world is struck
with astonishment, and with silent or vocal pity for the
poor man. -- It is but fair to say, Friedrich Wilhelm,
gradually taking notice of the world's humour in regard
to this, began to have his own misgivings; and deter-
mined to read some of Wolf s Books for himself. Reading
in Wolf, he had sense to discern that here was a man
of undeniable talent and integrity; that the Practical
Military judgment, loading with the iron ramrod, had
shot wide of the mark, in this matter; and, in short,
that a palpable bit of foul-play had been done. This
was in 1733; -- ten years after the shot, when his
Majesty saw, with his own eyes, how wide it had gone.
He applied to Wolf earnestly, more than once, to come
back to him: Halle, Frankfort, any Prussian University
with a vacancy in it, was now wide-open to Wolf. But
Wolf knew better: Wolf, with bows down to the ground,
* 15th November (Bflsching says 8th) 1723
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? 60 DODBLE-MABEIAGE PROJECT STARTED. [BOOK V.
1726.
answered always evadingly; -- and never would come
back till the New Reign began.
Friedrich Wilhelm knew little of Book-learning, or
Book-writing; and his notion of it is very shocking to
us. But the fact is, 0 reader, Book-writing is of two
kinds: one wise, and may be among the wisest of
earthly things; the other foolish, sometimes far beyond
what can be reached by human nature elsewhere. Block-
headism, Unwisdom, while silent, is reckoned bad; but
Blockheadism getting vocal, able to speak persuasively,
-- have you considered that at all? Human Opacity
falling into Phosphorescence; that is to say, becoming
luminous (to itself and to many mortals) by the very
excess of it, by the very bursting of it into putrid fer-
mentation: -- all other forms of Chaos are cosmic in
comparison! -- Our poor Friedrich Wilhelm had seen
only Gundlings among the Book-writing class: had he
seen wiser specimens, he might have formed, as he did
in Wolfs case, another judgment. Nay in regard to
Gundling himself, it is observable how, with his un-
utterable contempt, he seems to notice in him glimpses
of the admirable (such acquirements, such dictionary-
faculties, though gone distracted! ), -- and almost has
a kind of love for the absurd dog. Gundling's pensions
amount to something like 1501. ; an immense sum in
this Court. * A blockhead admirable in some sorts; and
of immense resource in Tobacco-Parliament when busi-
ness is slack! --
No end to the wild pranks, theHouyhnm horseplay
* FBrster, i. 2t>3, 284 (if you can reconcile the two passages).
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? C8AP. vn. ]
61
TOBACCO-PARLIAMENT,
1726.
they had with drunken Gundling. He has staggered
out in a drunk state, and found, or not clearly found
till the morrow, young bears lying in his bed; -- has
found his room-door walled-up; been obliged to grope
about, staggering from door to door and from port to
port, and land ultimately in the big Bears' den, who
hugged and squeezed him inhumanly there. Once at
Wusterhausen, staggering blind-drunk out of the Schloss
towards his lair, the sentries at the Bridge (instigated
to it by theHouyhnms, who look on) pretend to fasten
some military blame on him: Why has he omitted or
committed so-and-so? Gundling's drunk answer is un-
satisfactory. "Arrest, Herr Kammerrath, is it to be
that, then! " They hustle him about, among the Bears
which lodge there;-- at length they lay him horizontally
across two ropes; take to swinging him hither and
thither, up and down, across the black Acherontic Ditch, which is frozen-over, it being the dead of winter:
one of the ropes, lower rope, breaks; Gundling comes
souse upon the ice, with his sitting-part; breaks a big
hole in the ice, and scarcely with legs, arms and the
remaining rope, can be got-out undrowned. *
If, with natural indignation, he shut his door, and
refuse to come to the Tabagie, they knock-in a panel
of his door; and force him out with crackers, fireworks,
rockets and malodorous projectiles. Once the poor block-
head, becoming human for a moment, went clean away;
* Fb'rstor (i. 254-280); founding, I suppose, on Leben und Thalen de*
Preiherrn Paul von Gundling (Berlin, 1795); probably not one of the ex-
actest Biographies*
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DOUBLE-MARRIAGE PROJECT STARTED. [book v.
1726.
to Halle where his Brother was, or to some safer place:
but the due inveiglements, sublime apologies, increase
of titles, salaries, were used; and the indispensable
PhosphorescentBlockhead, and President of the Academy
of Pedlar's-French, was got back. Drink remained al-
ways as his consolation; drink, and the deathless Vo-
lumes he was writing and printing. Sublime returns
came to him, -- Kaiser's Portrait set in diamonds, on
one occasion, -- for his Presentation-Copies in high
quarters: immortal fame, is it not his clear portion; still
more clearly abundance of good wine. Friedrich Wil-
helm did not let him want for Titles; -- raised him at
last to the Peerage; drawing out the Diploma and Ar-
morial Blazonry, in a truly Friedrich-Wilhelm manner,
with his own hand. The Gundlings, in virtue of the
transcendent intellect and merits of this Founder Gund-
ling, are, and are hereby declared to be, of Baronial
dignity to the last scion of them; and in "all Ritter-
"Eennen (Tournaments), Battles, Fights, Camp-pitchings,
"Sealings, Signetings, shall and may use the above-
"said Shield of Arms," -- if it can be of any advantage
to them. A Prussian Majesty who gives us 150 I. yearly,
with board and lodging and the run of his cellar, and
honours such as these, is not to be lightly sneezed-
away, though of queer humours now and then. The
highest Personages, as we said, more than once made
gifts to Gundling; miniatures set in diamonds; purses
of a hundred ducats: even Gundling, it was thought,
might throw-in a word, mad or otherwise, which would
bear fruit. It was said of him, he never spoke to harm
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? CHAP, vn. ]
63
TOBACCO-PAULIAMENT,
1726.
anybody with his Majesty. The poor blown-up block-
head was radically not ill-natured, -- at least, if you
let his "phosphorescences" alone.
But the grandest explosions, in Tobacco-Parliament,
were producible, when you got Two literary fools; and,
as if with Leyden-jars, positive and negative, brought
their vanities to bear on one another. This sometimes
happened, when Tobacco-Parliament was in luck.
Friedrich Wilhelm had a variety of Merry-Andrew Raths
of the Gundling sort, though none ever came up toGund-
ling, or approached him, in worth as a Merry-Andrew.
Herr Fassmann, who wrote Books, by Patronage or
for the Leipzig Booksellers, and wandered about the
world as a star or comet of some magnitude, is not
much known to my readers: -- but he is too well
known to me, for certain dark Books of his which I
have had to read. * A very dim Literary Figure; un-
deniable, indecipherable Human Fact, of those days;
now fallen quite extinct and obsolete; his garniture,
equipment, environment all very dark to us. Probably
a too restless, imponderous creature, too much of the
Gundling type; structure of him gaseous, not solid.
Perhaps a little of the coxcomb naturally; much of the
sycophant, on compulsion,-- being sorely jammed into
corners, and without elbow-room at all, in this world.
Has, for the rest, a recognisable talent for "Magazine
writing," -- for Newspaper editing, had that rich mine,
* Life of Friedrich Wilhelm, occasionally cited here: Life of August the Strong; Ac.
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? 64 DOUBLE-MARRIAGE PROJECT STARTED. [B00K v"
1726.
"California of the Spiritually Vagabond," been opened
in those days. Poor extinct Fassmann, one discovers
at last a vein of weak geniality in him; here and there,
real human sense and eyesight, under those strange
conditions; and his poor Books, rotted now to inanity,
have left a small seed-pearl or two, to the earnest
reader. Alas, if he was to become "spiritually vaga-
bond" ("spiritually" and otherwise), might it not per-
haps be wholesome to him that the California was not
discovered? --
Fassmann was by no means such a fool as Gund-
ling; but he was much of a fool too. He had come to
Berlin, about this time,* in hopes of patronage from
the King or somebody; might say to himself, "Surely
I am a better man than Gundling, if the Berlin Court
has eyesight. " By the King, on some wise General's
recommending it, he was, as a preliminary, introduced to
the Tabagie at least. Here is the celebrated Gundling;
there is the celebrated Fassmann. Positive Leyden-jar,
with negative close by: in each of these two men lodges
a full-charged fiery electric virtue of self-conceit; destruc-
tive each of the other, -- could a conductor be discovered.
Conductors are discoverable, conductors are not wanting:
and many are the explosions between these mutually-
destructive human varieties; -- welcomed with hilarious,
rather vacant, huge horse-laughter, in this Tobacco-
Parliament and Synod of the Houyhnms.
Of which take this acme; and then end. Fassmann,
a fellow not without sarcasm and sharpness, as you may
* 1726, as he himself says (supra, p. 580).
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