Sir Oliver-Well, but what
security
could you give?
Warner - World's Best Literature - v21 to v25 - Rab to Tur
Sir Peter - For I should never be able to stand Noll's jokes;
so I'll have him think - Lord forgive me! -that we are a very
happy couple.
―
·
Rowley-I understand you; but then you must be very care-
ful not to differ while he is in the house with you.
Sir Peter-Egad, and so we must-and that's impossible.
Ah! Master Rowley, when an old bachelor marries a young wife,
he deserves no, the crime carries its punishment along with it.
[Exeunt.
Scene: A room in Sir Peter Teazle's house. Enter Sir Peter and Lady
Teazle.
Sir Peter-Lady Teazle, Lady Teazle, I'll not bear it.
Lady Teazle-Sir Peter, Sir Peter, you may bear it or not, as
you please; but I ought to have my own way in everything, and
what's more, I will, too. What! though I was educated in the
country, I know very well that women of fashion in London are
accountable to nobody after they are married.
## p. 13342 (#148) ##########################################
13342
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
Sir Peter-Very well, ma'am, very well: so a husband is to
have no influence, no authority?
Lady Teazle-Authority! No, to be sure. If you wanted
authority over me, you should have adopted me, and not married
me: I am sure you were old enough.
Sir Peter-Old enough! -ay, there it is. Well, well, Lady
Teazle, though my life may be made unhappy by your temper,
I'll not be ruined by your extravagance!
Lady Teazle - My extravagance! I'm sure I'm not more ex-
travagant than a woman of fashion ought to be.
Sir Peter-No, no, madam: you shall throw away no more
sums on such unmeaning luxury. 'Slife! to spend as much to
furnish your dressing-room with flowers in winter as would suf-
fice to turn the Pantheon into a greenhouse, and give a fête
champêtre at Christmas.
Lady Teazle-And am I to blame, Sir Peter, because flow-
ers are dear in cold weather? You should find fault with
the climate, and not with me. For my part, I'm sure I wish it
was spring all the year round, and that roses grew under our
feet.
Sir Peter-Oons! madam, if you had been born to this, I
shouldn't wonder at your talking thus; but you forget what your
situation was when I married you.
Lady Teazle-No, no, I don't: 'twas a very disagreeable one,
or I should never have married you.
Sir Peter-Yes, yes, madam: you were then in somewhat a
humbler style - the daughter of a plain country squire. Recol-
lect, Lady Teazle, when I saw you first sitting at your tambour,
in a pretty figured linen gown, with a bunch of keys at your
side, your hair combed smooth over a roll, and your apartment
hung round with fruits in worsted, of your own working.
Lady Teazle-Oh, yes! I remember it very well, and a curi-
ous life I led. My daily occupation to inspect the dairy, superin-
tend the poultry, make extracts from the family receipt-book, and
comb my Aunt Deborah's lapdog.
Sir Peter-Yes, yes, ma'am, 'twas so indeed.
Lady Teazle-And then you know my evening amusements!
To draw patterns for ruffles, which I had not materials to make
up; to play Pope Joan with the curate; to read a sermon to my
aunt; or to be stuck down to an old spinet to strum my father
to sleep after a fox-chase.
## p. 13343 (#149) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13343
-
Sir Peter-I am glad you have so good a memory. Yes,
madam, these were the recreations I took you from; but now
you must have your coach-vis-à-vis — and three powdered foot-
men before your chair; and in the summer, a pair of white cats
to draw you to Kensington Gardens. No recollection, I suppose,
when you were content to ride double behind the butler, on a
docked coach-horse.
Lady Teazle - No-I swear I never did that: I deny the but-
ler and the coach-horse.
Sir Peter-This, madam, was your situation; and what have I
done for you? I have made you a woman of fashion, of fortune,
of rank,-in short, I have made you my wife.
Lady Teazle Well then, and there is but one thing more
you can make me to add to the obligation; that is-
Sir Peter- My widow, I suppose?
Lady Teazle - Hem! hem!
Sir Peter-I thank you, madam- but don't flatter yourself;
for though your ill conduct may disturb my peace of mind, it
shall never break my heart, I promise you: however, I am
equally obliged to you for the hint.
Lady Teazle-Then why will you endeavor to make your-
self so disagreeable to me, and thwart me in every little elegant
expense?
Sir Peter-'Slife, madam, I say, had you any of these little
elegant expenses when you married me?
Lady Teazle-Lud, Sir Peter! would you have me be out of
the fashion?
-
Sir Peter-The fashion, indeed! what had you to do with the
fashion before you married me?
Lady Teazle - For my part, I should think you would like to
have your wife thought a woman of taste.
Zounds! madam, you
Sir Peter-Ay-there again-taste!
had no taste when you married me!
Lady Teazle-That's very true, indeed, Sir Peter! and after
having married you, I should never pretend to taste again, I
allow. But now, Sir Peter, since we have finished our daily jan-
gle, I presume I may go to my engagement at Lady Sneerwell's.
Sir Peter-Ay, there's another precious circumstance, -a
charming set of acquaintance you have made there!
Lady Teazle-Nay, Sir Peter, they are all people of rank and
fortune, and remarkably tenacious of reputation.
## p. 13344 (#150) ##########################################
13344
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
Sir Peter - Yes, egad, they are tenacious of reputation with a
vengeance; for they don't choose anybody should have a charac-
ter but themselves! Such a crew! Ah! many a wretch has
rid on a hurdle who has done less mischief than these utterers
of forged tales, coiners of scandal, and clippers of reputation.
Lady Teazle - What, would you restrain the freedom of
speech?
Sir Peter - Ah! they have made you just as bad as any one
of the society.
Lady Teazle - Why, I believe I do bear a part with a toler-
able grace.
Sir Peter-Grace, indeed!
Lady Teazle-But I vow I bear no malice against the people
I abuse when I say an ill-natured thing, 'tis out of pure good-
humor; and I take it for granted they deal exactly in the same
manner with me. But, Sir Peter, you know you promised to
come to Lady Sneerwell's too.
Sir Peter-Well, well, I'll call in, just to look after my own.
character.
Lady Teazle Then indeed you must make haste after me,
or you'll be too late. So good-by to ye.
[Exit.
Sir Peter-So-I have gained much by my intended expos-
tulation! Yet with what a charming air she contradicts every-
thing I say, and how pleasantly she shows her contempt for
my authority! Well, though I can't make her love me, there is
great satisfaction in quarreling with her; and I think she never
appears to such advantage as when she is doing everything in
her power to plague me.
[Exit.
SIR PETER AND LADY TEAZLE AGREE TO DISAGREE
From the School for Scandal'
Sir Peter Teazle discovered: enter Lady Teazle.
L
ADY TEAZLE - Lud! Sir
reling with Maria?
humored when I am not by.
Sir Peter-Ah, Lady Teazle, you might have the power to
make me good-humored at all times.
Peter, I hope you haven't been quar-
It is not using me well to be ill-
## p. 13345 (#151) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13345
Lady Teazle-I am sure I wish I had; for I want you to be
in a charming sweet temper at this moment.
Do be good-
humored now, and let me have two hundred pounds, will you?
Sir Peter - Two hundred pounds! what, a'n't I to be in a
good humor without paying for it? But speak to me thus, and
i' faith there's nothing I could refuse you. You shall have it; but
seal me a bond for the payment.
Lady Teazle - Oh, no- - there
well.
Sir Peter-And you shall no longer reproach me with not
giving you an independent settlement. I mean shortly to sur-
prise you; but shall we always live thus, hey?
Lady Teazle-If you please. I'm sure I don't care how soon
we leave off quarreling, provided you'll own you were tired first.
Sir Peter-Well- then let our future contest be, who shall
be most obliging.
Lady Teazle-I assure you, Sir Peter, good-nature becomes
you. You look now as you did before we were married, when
you used to walk with me under the elms, and tell me stories of
what a gallant you were in your youth; and chuck me under the
chin, you would, and ask me if I thought I could love an old
fellow who would deny me nothing-didn't you?
Sir Peter - Yes, yes; and you were as kind and attentive –
Lady Teazle-Ay, so I was; and would always take your
part when my acquaintance used to abuse you, and turn you
into ridicule.
Sir Peter - Indeed!
Lady Teazle-Ay, and when my cousin Sophy has called you
a stiff, peevish old bachelor, and laughed at me for thinking of
marrying one who might be my father, I have always defended
you, and said I didn't think you so ugly by any means.
Sir Peter - Thank you.
Lady Teazle - And I dared say you'd make a very good sort
of a husband.
Sir Peter And you prophesied right; and we shall now be
the happiest couple -
Lady Teazle - And never differ again?
Sir Peter - No, never! -though at the same time, indeed, my
dear Lady Teazle, you must watch your temper very seriously;
for in all our little quarrels, my dear, if you recollect, my love,
you always began first.
XXIII-835
-
―
―――
my note of hand will do as
[Offering her hand.
## p. 13346 (#152) ##########################################
13346
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
Lady Teazle-I beg your pardon, my dear Sir Peter: indeed,
you always gave the provocation.
Sir Peter-Now, see, my angel! take care: contradicting isn't
the way to keep friends.
Lady Teazle-Then don't you begin it, my love!
Sir Peter-There now! you-you are going on. You don't
perceive, my life, that you are just doing the very thing which
you know always makes me angry.
Lady Teazle - Nay, you know if you will be angry without
any reason, my dear-
Sir Peter-There! now you want to quarrel again.
Lady Teazle-No, I'm sure I don't; but if you will be so
peevish —
Sir Peter-
There now! who begins first?
Lady Teazle-Why, you, to be sure. I said nothing-but
there's no bearing your temper.
Sir Peter-No, no, madam: the fault's in your own temper.
Lady Teazle-Ay, you are just what my cousin Sophy said
you would be.
Sir Peter-Your cousin Sophy is a forward, impertinent
gipsy.
――
--
Lady Teazle
relations.
Sir Peter-Now may all the plagues of marriage be doubled
on me, if ever I try to be friends with you any more!
Lady Teazle-So much the better.
Sir Peter-No, no, madam: 'tis evident you never cared a
pin for me, and I was a madman to marry you,-
a pert rural
coquette, that had refused half the honest 'squires in the neigh-
borhood!
You are a great bear, I am sure, to abuse my
―-
Lady Teazle - And I am sure I was a fool to marry you— an
old dangling bachelor, who was single at fifty only because he
could never meet with any one who would have him.
Sir Peter - Ay, ay, madam; but you were pleased enough to
listen to me: you never had such an offer before.
Lady Teazle-No! didn't I refuse Sir Tivy Terrier, who
everybody said would have been a better match? for his estate is
just as good as yours, and he has broke his neck since we have
been married.
―――――――
Sir Peter - I have done with you, madam! You are an un-
feeling, ungrateful-but there's an end of everything. I believe
## p. 13347 (#153) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13347
you capable of everything that is bad. Yes, madam, I now
believe the reports relative to you and Charles, madam. Yes,
madam, you and Charles are, not without grounds-
Lady Teazle-Take care, Sir Peter! you had better not in-
sinuate any such thing! I'll not be suspected without cause, I
promise you.
Sir Peter - Very well, madam! very well! A separate main-
tenance as soon as you please. Yes, madam; or a divorce! I'll
make an example of myself for the benefit of all old bachelors.
Let us separate, madam.
Lady Teazle - Agreed! agreed! And now, my dear Sir Peter,
we are of a mind once more, we may be the happiest couple,
and never differ again, you know: ha! ha! ha! Well, you are
going to be in a passion, I see, and I shall only interrupt you
so, by-by! .
[Exit.
Sir Peter-Plagues and tortures! can't I make her angry
either? Oh, I am the most miserable fellow! But I'll not bear
her presuming to keep her temper: no! she may break my heart,
but she shan't keep her temper.
[Exit.
AUCTIONING OFF ONE'S RELATIVES
From the School for Scandal'
(
[Charles Surface, an amiable but dissipated young man of fashion, has
decided to raise money for his pastimes by selling to a supposed "broker »
his last salable property, the family portraits. The purchaser of them, under
the name of "Mr. Premium," is Charles's uncle, Sir Oliver Surface; who in
disguise, desires to study his graceless nephew's character and extravagances.
The scene is the disfurnished mansion of Charles in London; and he is at
table with several friends when the feigned Mr. Premium is presented. ]
CH
HARLES SURFACE [to Sir Oliver] — Mr. Premium, my friend
Moses is a very honest fellow, but a little slow at expres-
sion: he'll be an hour giving us our titles. Mr. Premium,
the plain state of the matter is this: I am an extravagant young
fellow who wants to borrow money; you I take to be a prudent
old fellow who have got money to lend. I am blockhead enough
to give fifty per cent. sooner than not have it; and you, I pre-
sume, are rogue enough to take a hundred if you can get it.
Now, sir, you see we are acquainted at once, and may proceed to
business without further ceremony.
## p. 13348 (#154) ##########################################
13348
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
Sir Oliver - Exceeding frank, upon my word. I see, sir, you
are not a man of many compliments.
Charles - Oh no, sir! plain dealing in business I always think
best.
Sir Oliver-Sir, I like you the better for it. However, you
are mistaken in one thing: I have no money to lend, but I
believe I could procure some of a friend; but then he's an un-
conscionable dog. Isn't he, Moses? And must sell stock to
accommodate you. Mustn't he, Moses?
Moses - Yes, indeed! You know I always speak the truth,
and scorn to tell a lie!
Charles Right. People that speak truth generally do. But
these are trifles, Mr. Premium. What! I know money isn't to be
bought without paying for't!
Sir Oliver-Well, but what security could you give? You
have no land, I suppose?
Charles-Not a mole-hill, nor a twig, but what's in the
bough-pots out of the window!
Sir Oliver-Nor any stock, I presume?
Charles-Nothing but live-stock—and that only a few pointers
and ponies. But pray, Mr. Premium, are you acquainted at all
with any of my connections?
Sir Oliver Why, to say truth, I am.
Charles-Then you must know that I have a devilish rich
uncle in the East Indies-Sir Oliver Surface - from whom I have
the greatest expectations?
――――
Sir Oliver-That you have a wealthy uncle, I have heard;
but how your expectations will turn out is more, I believe, than
you can tell.
Charles-Oh, no! there can be no doubt. They tell me I'm
a prodigious favorite, and that he talks of leaving me every-
thing.
Sir Oliver - Indeed! This is the first I've heard of it.
Charles - Yes, yes, 'tis just so. Moses knows 'tis true; don't
you, Moses?
Moses-Oh, yes! I'll swear to't.
Sir Oliver [aside]-Egad, they'll persuade me presently I'm
at Bengal.
Charles-Now I propose, Mr. Premium, if it's agreeable to
you, a post-obit on Sir Oliver's life; though at the same time the
old fellow has been so liberal to me, that I give you my word I
should be very sorry to hear that anything had happened to him.
## p. 13349 (#155) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13349
Sir Oliver. Not more than I should, I assure you. But the
bond you mention happens to be just the worst security you
could offer me- for I might live to a hundred and never see the
principal.
―――
Charles-Oh yes, you would! The moment Sir Oliver dies,
you know, you would come on me for the money.
Sir Oliver - Then I believe I should be the most unwelcome
dun you ever had in your life.
Charles-What!
I suppose you're afraid that Sir Oliver is
mium?
too good a life?
Sir Oliver-No, indeed I am not; though I have heard he is
as hale and healthy as any man of his years in Christendom.
Charles-There again, now, you are misinformed. No, no:
the climate has hurt him considerably-poor Uncle Oliver. Yes,
yes, he breaks apace, I'm told-and is so much altered lately
that his nearest relations would not know him.
Sir Oliver-No! Ha! ha! ha! so much altered lately that
his nearest relations would not know him! Ha! ha! ha! egad-
ha ha ha!
Charles-Ha! ha! ha! - you're glad to hear that, little Pre-
Sir Oliver- No, no, I'm not.
Charles - Yes, yes, you are -ha! ha! ha!
-
- you know that
mends your chance.
Sir Oliver-But I'm told Sir Oliver is coming over; nay,
some say he is actually arrived.
Charles - Psha! sure I must know better than you whether
he's come or not. No, no: rely on't he's at this moment at
Calcutta. Isn't he, Moses?
Moses - Oh, yes, certainly.
Sir Oliver - Very true, as you say, you must know better
than I; though I have it from pretty good authority. Haven't I,
Moses?
Moses - Yes, most undoubted!
―
Sir Oliver - But, sir, as I understand you want a few hun-
dreds immediately, is there nothing you could dispose of?
Charles-How do you mean?
Sir Oliver-For instance, now, I have heard that your father
left behind him a great quantity of massy old plate.
Charles-O Lud! that's gone long ago. Moses can tell you
how better than I can.
## p. 13350 (#156) ##########################################
13350
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
Sir Oliver [aside] - Good lack! all the family race cups and
corporation bowls! [Aloud. ] Then it was also supposed that
his library was one of the most valuable and compact.
Charles-Yes, yes, so it was,-vastly too much so for a
private gentleman. For my part, I was always of a communicat-
ive disposition, so I thought it a shame to keep so much knowl-
edge to myself.
Sir Oliver [aside] - Mercy upon me! learning that had run
in the family like an heirloom! [Aloud. ] Pray, what are be-
come of the books?
Charles-You must inquire of the auctioneer, Master Pre-
mium; for I don't believe even Moses can direct you.
Moses I know nothing of books.
Sir Oliver-So, so: nothing of the family property left, I
suppose?
――
Charles-Not much, indeed; unless you have a mind to the
family pictures. I have got a room full of ancestors above; and
if you have a taste for old paintings, egad, you shall have 'em a
bargain!
Sir Oliver-Hey! what the devil! sure, you wouldn't sell
your forefathers, would you?
Charles-Every man of them, to the best bidder.
Sir Oliver-What! your great-uncles and aunts?
Charles-Ay; and my great-grandfathers and grandmothers
too.
Sir Oliver [aside] - Now I give him up! [Aloud. ] What the
plague, have you no bowels for your own kindred? Odds life!
do you take me for Shylock in the play, that you would raise
money of me on your own flesh and blood?
Charles-Nay, my little broker, don't be angry: what need
you care, if you have your money's worth?
Sir Oliver - Well, I'll be the purchaser: I think I can dispose
of the family canvas. [Aside. ] Oh, I'll never forgive him this!
never!
--
Careless-Come, Charles, what keeps you?
Charles I can't come yet. I' faith, we are going to have a
sale above-stairs; here's little Premium will buy all my ances-
tors!
Careless
Enter Careless
—
- Oh, burn your ancestors!
## p. 13351 (#157) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13351
Charles No, he may do that afterwards if he pleases. Stay,
Careless, we want you: egad, you shall be auctioneer; so come
along with us.
I can handle
Careless-Oh, have with you, if that's the case.
a hammer as well as a dice-box! Going! going!
Sir Oliver [aside]-Oh, the profligates!
Charles - Come, Moses, you shall be appraiser, if we want
Gad's life, little Premium, you don't seem to like the busi-
one.
ness?
Sir Oliver -Oh, yes, I do, vastly! Ha! ha! ha! yes, yes, I
think it a rare joke to sell one's family by auction-ha! ha!
[Aside. ] Oh, the prodigal!
Charles-To be sure! when a man wants money, where the
plague should he get assistance if he can't make free with his
own relations?
[Exeunt.
Sir Oliver [aside, as they go out] - I'll never forgive him;
never! never!
Scene: A picture room in Charles Surface's house. Enter Charles Sur-
face, Sir Oliver Surface, Moses, and Careless.
Charles Walk in, gentlemen, pray walk in-here they are:
the family of the Surfaces, up to the Conquest.
Sir Oliver-And in my opinion, a goodly collection.
1
Charles-Ay, ay, these are done in the true spirit of portrait-
painting; no volontière grace or expression. Not like the works of
your modern Raphaels, who give you the strongest resemblance,
yet contrive to make your portrait independent of you; so that
you may sink the original and not hurt the picture. No, no: the
merit of these is the inveterate likeness-all stiff and awkward
as the originals, and like nothing in human nature besides.
Sir Oliver-Ah! we shall never see such figures of men
again.
-
Charles I hope not. Well, you see, Master Premium, what
a domestic character I am; here I sit of an evening surrounded
by my family. But come, get to your pulpit, Mr. Auctioneer;
here's an old gouty chair of my grandfather's will answer the
purpose.
-
Careless - Ay, ay, this will do. But, Charles, I haven't a
hammer; and what's an auctioneer without his hammer?
Charles-Egad, that's true. What parchment have we here?
Oh, our genealogy in full. [Taking the pedigree down. ] Here,
## p. 13352 (#158) ##########################################
13352
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
Careless, you shall have no common bit of mahogany: here's
the family tree for you, you rogue! This shall be your hammer,
and now you may knock down my ancestors with their own pedi-
gree.
Sir Oliver [aside] - What an unnatural rogue! -an ex post
facto parricide!
Careless- Yes, yes, here's a list of your generation indeed.
'Faith, Charles, this is the most convenient thing you could
have found for the business, for 'twill not only serve as a ham-
mer, but a catalogue into the bargain. Come, begin- A-going,
a-going, a-going!
Charles Bravo, Careless! Well, here's my great-uncle, Sir
Richard Raveline: a marvelous good general in his day, I assure
you. He served in all the Duke of Marlborough's wars, and
got that cut over his eye at the battle of Malplaquet. What say
you, Mr. Premium? Look at him—there's a hero! not cut out
of his feathers, as your modern clipped captains are, but envel-
oped in wig and regimentals, as a general should be. What do
you bid?
—
Sir Oliver [aside to Moses] - Bid him speak.
Moses Mr. Premium would have you speak.
Charles-Why, then, he shall have him for ten pounds; and
I'm sure that's not dear for a staff-officer.
――
Sir Oliver [aside] — Heaven deliver me! his famous uncle
Richard for ten pounds! [Aloud. ] Very well, sir, I take him
at that.
Charles Careless, knock down my uncle Richard. Here
now is a maiden sister of his, my great-aunt Deborah; done by
Kneller in his best manner, and esteemed a very formidable like-
ness. There she is, you see: a shepherdess feeding her flock.
You shall have her for five pounds ten,-the sheep are worth
the money.
-
Sir Oliver [aside]—Ah! poor Deborah! a woman who set
such a value on herself! [Aloud. ] Five pounds ten-she's
mine.
Charles-Knock down my aunt Deborah! Here now are two
that were a sort of cousins of theirs. You see, Moses, these
pictures were done some time ago, when beaux wore wigs, and
the ladies their own hair.
Sir Oliver - Yes, truly, head-dresses appear to have been a
little lower in those days.
## p. 13353 (#159) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13353
Charles-Well, take that couple for the same.
Moses 'Tis a good bargain.
-
Charles-Careless! - This now is a grandfather of my moth-
er's; a learned judge, well known on the western circuit. What
do you rate him at, Moses?
Moses-Four guineas.
Charles-Four guineas!
―――――
Gad's life, you don't bid me the
price of his wig.
Mr. Premium, you have more respect for the
woolsack: do let us knock his Lordship down at fifteen.
Sir Oliver
By all means.
Careless-Gone!
Charles-And there are two brothers of his, William and
Walter Blunt, Esquires, both members of Parliament, and noted
speakers; and what's very extraordinary, I believe this is the
first time they were ever bought or sold.
Sir Oliver-That is very extraordinary, indeed! I'll take
them at your own price, for the honor of Parliament.
Careless-Well said, little Premium!
