No More Learning

SIR PETER. Well well I'll call in, just to look after my own character.

LADY TEAZLE. Then, indeed, you must make Haste after me, or you'll be
too late--so good bye to ye.

SIR PETER. So--I have gain'd much by my intended expostulation--yet
with what a charming air she contradicts every thing I say--and how
pleasingly she shows her contempt of my authority--Well tho' I can't
make her love me, there is certainly a great satisfaction in quarrelling
with her; and I think she never appears to such advantage as when she is
doing everything in her Power to plague me.

[Exit. ]




SCENE II. --At LADY SNEERWELL'S

LADY SNEERWELL, MRS. CANDOUR, CRABTREE, SIR BENJAMIN BACKBITE,
and SURFACE

LADY SNEERWELL. Nay, positively, we will hear it.

SURFACE. Yes--yes the Epigram by all means.

SiR BENJAMIN. O plague on't unkle--'tis mere nonsense--

CRABTREE. No no; 'fore gad very clever for an extempore!

SIR BENJAMIN. But ladies you should be acquainted with the
circumstances. You must know that one day last week as Lady Betty
Curricle was taking the Dust in High Park, in a sort of duodecimo
Phaeton--she desired me to write some verses on her Ponies--upon which I
took out my Pocket-Book--and in one moment produced--the following:--

'Sure never were seen two such beautiful Ponies;
Other Horses are Clowns--and these macaronies,
Nay to give 'em this Title, I'm sure isn't wrong,
Their Legs are so slim--and their Tails are so long.

CRABTREE. There Ladies--done in the smack of a whip and on Horseback
too.

SURFACE. A very Phoebus, mounted--indeed Sir Benjamin.

SIR BENJAMIN. Oh dear Sir--Trifles--Trifles.

Enter LADY TEAZLE and MARIA

MRS. CANDOUR. I must have a Copy--

LADY SNEERWELL. Lady Teazle--I hope we shall see Sir Peter?

LADY TEAZLE. I believe He'll wait on your Ladyship presently.

LADY SNEERWELL. Maria my love you look grave. Come, you sit down to
Piquet with Mr. Surface.

MARIA. I take very little Pleasure in cards--however, I'll do as you
Please.

LADY TEAZLE. I am surprised Mr. Surface should sit down her--I thought
He would have embraced this opportunity of speaking to me before Sir
Peter came--[Aside. ]

MRS. CANDOUR. Now, I'll die but you are so scandalous I'll forswear your
society.

LADY TEAZLE. What's the matter, Mrs. Candour?

MRS. CANDOUR. They'll not allow our friend Miss Vermillion to be
handsome.

LADY SNEERWELL. Oh, surely she is a pretty woman. . . .

[CRABTREE. ] I am very glad you think so ma'am.

MRS. CANDOUR. She has a charming fresh Colour.

CRABTREE. Yes when it is fresh put on--

LADY TEAZLE. O fie! I'll swear her colour is natural--I have seen it
come and go--

CRABTREE. I dare swear you have, ma'am: it goes of a Night, and comes
again in the morning.

SIR BENJAMIN. True, uncle, it not only comes and goes but what's more
egad her maid can fetch and carry it--

MRS. CANDOUR. Ha! ha! ha! how I hate to hear you talk so! But surely,
now, her Sister, is or was very handsome.

CRABTREE. Who? Mrs. Stucco? O lud! she's six-and-fifty if she's an hour!

MRS. CANDOUR. Now positively you wrong her[;] fifty-two, or fifty-three
is the utmost--and I don't think she looks more.

SIR BENJAMIN. Ah! there's no judging by her looks, unless one was to see
her Face.

LADY SNEERWELL. Well--well--if she does take some pains to repair the
ravages of Time--you must allow she effects it with great ingenuity--and
surely that's better than the careless manner in which the widow Ocre
chaulks her wrinkles.

SIR BENJAMIN. Nay now--you are severe upon the widow--come--come, it
isn't that she paints so ill--but when she has finished her Face she
joins it on so badly to her Neck, that she looks like a mended Statue,
in which the Connoisseur sees at once that the Head's modern tho' the
Trunk's antique----

CRABTREE. Ha! ha! ha! well said, Nephew!

MRS. CANDOUR. Ha! ha! ha! Well, you make me laugh but I vow I hate you
for it--what do you think of Miss Simper?

SIR BENJAMIN. Why, she has very pretty Teeth.

LADY TEAZLE. Yes and on that account, when she is neither speaking nor
laughing (which very seldom happens)--she never absolutely shuts her
mouth, but leaves it always on a-Jar, as it were----

MRS. CANDOUR. How can you be so ill-natured!

LADY TEAZLE. Nay, I allow even that's better than the Pains Mrs. Prim
takes to conceal her losses in Front--she draws her mouth till it
resembles the aperture of a Poor's-Box, and all her words appear to
slide out edgewise.

LADY SNEERWELL. Very well Lady Teazle I see you can be a little severe.

LADY TEAZLE. In defence of a Friend it is but justice, but here comes
Sir Peter to spoil our Pleasantry.

Enter SIR PETER

SIR PETER. Ladies, your obedient--Mercy on me--here is the whole set! a
character's dead at every word, I suppose.

MRS. CANDOUR. I am rejoiced you are come, Sir Peter--they have been so
censorious and Lady Teazle as bad as any one.

SIR PETER. That must be very distressing to you, Mrs. Candour I dare
swear.

MRS. CANDOUR. O they will allow good Qualities to nobody--not even good
nature to our Friend Mrs. Pursy.

LADY TEAZLE. What, the fat dowager who was at Mrs. Codrille's
[Quadrille's] last Night?

LADY SNEERWELL. Nay--her bulk is her misfortune and when she takes such
Pains to get rid of it you ought not to reflect on her.

MRS. CANDOUR. 'Tis very true, indeed.

LADY TEAZLE. Yes, I know she almost lives on acids and small whey--laces
herself by pulleys and often in the hottest noon of summer you may
see her on a little squat Pony, with her hair plaited up behind like a
Drummer's and puffing round the Ring on a full trot.

MRS. CANDOUR. I thank you Lady Teazle for defending her.

SIR PETER. Yes, a good Defence, truly!

MRS. CANDOUR. But for Sir Benjamin, He is as censorious as Miss Sallow.

CRABTREE. Yes and she is a curious Being to pretend to be censorious--an
awkward Gawky, without any one good Point under Heaven!

LADY SNEERWELL. Positively you shall not be so very severe. Miss
Sallow is a Relation of mine by marriage, and, as for her Person great
allowance is to be made--for, let me tell you a woman labours under many
disadvantages who tries to pass for a girl at six-and-thirty.

MRS. CANDOUR. Tho', surely she is handsome still--and for the weakness
in her eyes considering how much she reads by candle-light it is not to
be wonder'd at.

LADY SNEERWELL. True and then as to her manner--upon my word I think
it is particularly graceful considering she never had the least
Education[:] for you know her Mother was a Welch milliner, and her
Father a sugar-Baker at Bristow. --

SIR BENJAMIN. Ah! you are both of you too good-natured!

SIR PETER. Yes, damned good-natured! Her own relation! mercy on me!
[Aside. ]

MRS. CANDOUR. For my Part I own I cannot bear to hear a friend
ill-spoken of?

SIR PETER. No, to be sure!

SIR BENJAMIN. Ah you are of a moral turn Mrs. Candour and can sit for an
hour to hear Lady Stucco talk sentiments.

LADY SNEERWELL. Nay I vow Lady Stucco is very well with the Dessert
after Dinner for she's just like the Spanish Fruit one cracks for
mottoes--made up of Paint and Proverb.

MRS. CANDOUR. Well, I never will join in ridiculing a Friend--and so I
constantly tell my cousin Ogle--and you all know what pretensions she
has to be critical in Beauty.

LADY TEAZLE. O to be sure she has herself the oddest countenance that
ever was seen--'tis a collection of Features from all the different
Countries of the globe.

SIR BENJAMIN. So she has indeed--an Irish Front----

CRABTREE. Caledonian Locks----

SIR BENJAMIN. Dutch Nose----

CRABTREE. Austrian Lips----

SIR BENJAMIN. Complexion of a Spaniard----

CRABTREE. And Teeth a la Chinoise----

SIR BENJAMIN. In short, her Face resembles a table d'hote at Spa--where
no two guests are of a nation----

CRABTREE. Or a Congress at the close of a general War--wherein all the
members even to her eyes appear to have a different interest and her
Nose and Chin are the only Parties likely to join issue.

MRS. CANDOUR. Ha! ha! ha!

SIR PETER. Mercy on my Life[! ] a Person they dine with twice a week!
[Aside. ]

LADY SNEERWELL. Go--go--you are a couple of provoking Toads.

MRS. CANDOUR. Nay but I vow you shall not carry the Laugh off so--for
give me leave to say, that Mrs. Ogle----

SIR PETER. Madam--madam--I beg your Pardon--there's no stopping these
good Gentlemen's Tongues--but when I tell you Mrs.
Candour that the Lady
they are abusing is a particular Friend of mine, I hope you'll not take
her Part.

LADY SNEERWELL. Ha! ha! ha! well said, Sir Peter--but you are a cruel
creature--too Phlegmatic yourself for a jest and too peevish to allow
wit in others.

SIR PETER. Ah Madam true wit is more nearly allow'd [allied? ] to good
Nature than your Ladyship is aware of.

LADY SNEERWELL. True Sir Peter--I believe they are so near akin that
they can never be united.

SIR BENJAMIN. O rather Madam suppose them man and wife because one
seldom sees them together.

LADY TEAZLE. But Sir Peter is such an Enemy to Scandal I believe He
would have it put down by Parliament.

SIR PETER. 'Fore heaven! Madam, if they were to consider the Sporting
with Reputation of as much importance as poaching on manors--and pass
an Act for the Preservation of Fame--there are many would thank them for
the Bill.

LADY SNEERWELL. O Lud! Sir Peter would you deprive us of our
Privileges--

SIR PETER. Aye Madam--and then no person should be permitted to
kill characters or run down reputations, but qualified old Maids and
disappointed Widows. --

LADY SNEERWELL. Go, you monster--

MRS. CANDOUR. But sure you would not be quite so severe on those who
only report what they hear?

SIR PETER. Yes Madam, I would have Law Merchant for that too--and in all
cases of slander currency, whenever the Drawer of the Lie was not to
be found, the injured Party should have a right to come on any of the
indorsers.

CRABTREE. Well for my Part I believe there never was a Scandalous Tale
without some foundation. <3>

LADY SNEERWELL. Come Ladies shall we sit down to Cards in the next Room?

Enter SERVANT, whispers SIR PETER

SIR PETER. I'll be with them directly. --

[Exit SERVANT. ]
I'll get away unperceived.

LADY SNEERWELL. Sir Peter you are not leaving us?

SIR PETER. Your Ladyship must excuse me--I'm called away by particular
Business--but I leave my Character behind me--

[Exit. ]

SIR BENJAMIN. Well certainly Lady Teazle that lord of yours is a
strange being--I could tell you some stories of him would make you laugh
heartily if He wern't your Husband.

LADY TEAZLE. O pray don't mind that--come do let's hear 'em.

[join the rest of the Company going into the Next Room. ]

SURFACE. Maria I see you have no satisfaction in this society.

MARIA. How is it possible I should? If to raise malicious smiles at the
infirmities or misfortunes of those who have never injured us be
the province of wit or Humour, Heaven grant me a double Portion of
Dullness--

SURFACE. Yet they appear more ill-natured than they are--they have no
malice at heart--

MARIA. Then is their conduct still more contemptible[;] for in my
opinion--nothing could excuse the intemperance of their tongues but a
natural and ungovernable bitterness of Mind.

SURFACE. Undoubtedly Madam--and it has always been a sentiment of
mine--that to propagate a malicious Truth wantonly--is more despicable
than to falsify from Revenge, but can you Maria feel thus [f]or others
and be unkind to me alone--nay is hope to be denied the tenderest
Passion. --

MARIA. Why will you distress me by renewing this subject--

SURFACE. Ah! Maria! you would not treat me thus and oppose your
guardian's Sir Peter's wishes--but that I see that my Profligate Brother
is still a favour'd Rival.

MARIA. Ungenerously urged--but whatever my sentiments of that
unfortunate young man are, be assured I shall not feel more bound to
give him up because his Distresses have sunk him so low as to deprive
him of the regard even of a Brother.

SURFACE. Nay but Maria do not leave me with a Frown--by all that's
honest, I swear----Gad's Life here's Lady Teazle--you must not--no you
shall--for tho' I have the greatest Regard for Lady Teazle----

MARIA. Lady Teazle!

SURFACE. Yet were Sir Peter to suspect----

[Enter LADY TEAZLE, and comes forward]

LADY TEAZLE. What's this, Pray--do you take her for me! --Child you are
wanted in the next Room. --What's all this, pray--

SURFACE. O the most unlucky circumstance in Nature. Maria has somehow
suspected the tender concern I have for your happiness, and threaten'd
to acquaint Sir Peter with her suspicions--and I was just endeavouring
to reason with her when you came.

LADY TEAZLE. Indeed but you seem'd to adopt--a very tender mode of
reasoning--do you usually argue on your knees?

SURFACE. O she's a Child--and I thought a little Bombast----but Lady
Teazle when are you to give me your judgment on my Library as you
promised----

LADY TEAZLE. No--no I begin to think it would be imprudent--and you know
I admit you as a Lover no farther than Fashion requires.

SURFACE. True--a mere Platonic Cicisbeo, what every London wife is
entitled to.

LADY TEAZLE. Certainly one must not be out of the Fashion--however, I
have so much of my country Prejudices left--that--though Sir Peter's ill
humour may vex me ever so, it never shall provoke me to----

SURFACE. The only revenge in your Power--well I applaud your moderation.

LADY TEAZLE. Go--you are an insinuating Hypocrite--but we shall be
miss'd--let us join the company.

SURFACE. True, but we had best not return together.

LADY TEAZLE. Well don't stay--for Maria shan't come to hear any more of
your Reasoning, I promise you--

[Exit. ]

SURFACE. A curious Dilemma truly my Politics have run me into. I wanted
at first only to ingratiate myself with Lady Teazle that she might not
be my enemy with Maria--and I have I don't know how--become her
serious Lover, so that I stand a chance of Committing a Crime I never
meditated--and probably of losing Maria by the Pursuit! --Sincerely I
begin to wish I had never made such a Point of gaining so very good a
character, for it has led me into so many curst Rogueries that I doubt I
shall be exposed at last.

[Exit. ]




SCENE III. --At SIR PETER'S

--ROWLEY and SIR OLIVER--

SIR OLIVER. Ha! ha! ha! and so my old Friend is married, hey? --a young
wife out of the country! --ha! ha! that he should have stood Bluff to old
Bachelor so long and sink into a Husband at last!

ROWLEY. But you must not rally him on the subject Sir Oliver--'tis a
tender Point I assure you though He has been married only seven months.

SIR OLIVER. Ah then he has been just half a year on the stool
of Repentance--Poor Peter! But you say he has entirely given up
Charles--never sees him, hey?

ROWLEY. His Prejudice against him is astonishing--and I am sure greatly
increased by a jealousy of him with Lady Teazle--which he has
been industriously led into by a scandalous Society--in the
neighbourhood--who have contributed not a little to Charles's ill name.
Whereas the truth is[,] I believe[,] if the lady is partial to either of
them his Brother is the Favourite.

SIR OLIVER. Aye--I know--there are a set of malicious prating prudent
Gossips both male and Female, who murder characters to kill time, and
will rob a young Fellow of his good name before He has years to know the
value of it. . . but I am not to be prejudiced against my nephew by
such I promise you! No! no--if Charles has done nothing false or mean, I
shall compound for his extravagance.

ROWLEY. Then my life on't, you will reclaim him. Ah, Sir, it gives me
new vigour to find that your heart is not turned against him--and that
the son of my good old master has one friend however left--

SIR OLIVER. What! shall I forget Master Rowley--when I was at his
house myself--egad my Brother and I were neither of us very prudent
youths--and yet I believe you have not seen many better men than your
old master was[. ]

ROWLEY. 'Tis this Reflection gives me assurance that Charles may yet be
a credit to his Family--but here comes Sir Peter----

SIR OLIVER. Egad so He does--mercy on me--He's greatly altered--and
seems to have a settled married look--one may read Husband in his Face
at this Distance. --

Enter SIR PETER

SIR PETER. Ha! Sir Oliver--my old Friend--welcome to England--a thousand
Times!

SIR OLIVER. Thank you--thank you--Sir Peter--and Efaith I am as glad to
find you well[,] believe me--

SIR PETER. Ah! 'tis a long time since we met--sixteen year I doubt Sir
Oliver--and many a cross accident in the Time--

SIR OLIVER. Aye I have had my share--but, what[! ] I find you are
married--hey my old Boy--well--well it can't be help'd--and so I wish
you joy with all my heart--

SIR PETER. Thank you--thanks Sir Oliver. --Yes, I have entered into the
happy state but we'll not talk of that now.

SIR OLIVER. True true Sir Peter old Friends shouldn't begin on
grievances at first meeting. No, no--

ROWLEY. Take care pray Sir----

SIR OLIVER. Well--so one of my nephews I find is a wild Rogue--hey?

SIR PETER. Wild! --oh! my old Friend--I grieve for your disappointment
there--He's a lost young man indeed--however his Brother will make you
amends; Joseph is indeed what a youth should be--everybody in the world
speaks well of him--

SIR OLIVER. I am sorry to hear it--he has too good a character to be an
honest Fellow. Everybody speaks well of him! Psha! then He has bow'd as
low to Knaves and Fools as to the honest dignity of Virtue.

SIR PETER. What Sir Oliver do you blame him for not making Enemies?

SIR OLIVER. Yes--if He has merit enough to deserve them.

SIR PETER. Well--well--you'll be convinced when you know him--'tis
edification to hear him converse--he professes the noblest Sentiments.

SIR OLIVER. Ah plague on his Sentiments--if he salutes me with a scrap
sentence of morality in his mouth I shall be sick directly--but however
don't mistake me Sir Peter I don't mean to defend Charles's Errors--but
before I form my judgment of either of them, I intend to make a trial of
their Hearts--and my Friend Rowley and I have planned something for the
Purpose.

ROWLEY. And Sir Peter shall own he has been for once mistaken.

SIR PETER. My life on Joseph's Honour----

SIR OLIVER. Well come give us a bottle of good wine--and we'll drink the
Lads' Healths and tell you our scheme.

SIR PETER. Alons [Allons], then----

SIR OLIVER. But don't Sir Peter be so severe against your old Friend's
son.

SIR PETER. 'Tis his Vices and Follies have made me his Enemy. --

ROWLEY. Come--come--Sir Peter consider how early He was left to his own
guidance.

SIR OLIVER. Odds my Life--I am not sorry that He has run out of the
course a little--for my Part, I hate to see dry Prudence clinging to
the green juices of youth--'tis like ivy round a sapling and spoils the
growth of the Tree.

END OF THE SECOND ACT




ACT III




SCENE I. --At SIR PETER'S

SIR PETER, SIR OLIVER, and ROWLEY

SIR PETER. Well, then, we will see the Fellows first and have our wine
afterwards. --but how is this, Master Rowley--I don't see the Jet of your
scheme.

ROWLEY. Why Sir--this Mr. Stanley whom I was speaking of, is nearly
related to them by their mother. He was once a merchant in Dublin--but
has been ruined by a series of undeserved misfortunes--and now lately
coming over to solicit the assistance of his friends here--has been
flyng [flung] into prison by some of his Creditors--where he is now with
two helpless Boys. --

SIR OLIVER. Aye and a worthy Fellow too I remember him. But what is this
to lead to--?

ROWLEY. You shall hear--He has applied by letter both to Mr. Surface and
Charles--from the former he has received nothing but evasive promises
of future service, while Charles has done all that his extravagance has
left him power to do--and He is at this time endeavouring to raise a sum
of money--part of which, in the midst of his own distresses, I know He
intends for the service of poor Stanley.

SIR OLIVER. Ah! he is my Brother's Son.

SIR PETER. Well, but how is Sir Oliver personally to----

ROWLEY. Why Sir I will inform Charles and his Brother that Stanley has
obtain'd permission to apply in person to his Friends--and as they
have neither of them ever seen him[,] let Sir Oliver assume his
character--and he will have a fair opportunity of judging at least of
the Benevolence of their Dispositions.

SIR PETER. Pshaw! this will prove nothing--I make no doubt Charles is
Coxcomb and thoughtless enough to give money to poor relations if he had
it--

SIR OLIVER. Then He shall never want it--. I have brought a few Rupees
home with me Sir Peter--and I only want to be sure of bestowing them
rightly. --

ROWLEY. Then Sir believe me you will find in the youngest Brother one
who in the midst of Folly and dissipation--has still, as our immortal
Bard expresses it,--

"a Tear for Pity and a Hand open as the day for melting Charity. "

SIR PETER. Pish! What signifies his having an open Hand or Purse
either when He has nothing left to give!