No More Learning

'

'And the curate does not teach you to read and write, then? ' I pursued.

'No, I was told the curate should have his--teeth dashed down his--throat,
if he stepped over the threshold--Heathcliff had promised that! '

I put the orange in his hand, and bade him tell his father that a woman
called Nelly Dean was waiting to speak with him, by the garden gate. He
went up the walk, and entered the house; but, instead of Hindley,
Heathcliff appeared on the door-stones; and I turned directly and ran
down the road as hard as ever I could race, making no halt till I gained
the guide-post, and feeling as scared as if I had raised a goblin. This
is not much connected with Miss Isabella's affair: except that it urged
me to resolve further on mounting vigilant guard, and doing my utmost to
check the spread of such bad influence at the Grange: even though I
should wake a domestic storm, by thwarting Mrs. Linton's pleasure.

The next time Heathcliff came my young lady chanced to be feeding some
pigeons in the court. She had never spoken a word to her sister-in-law
for three days; but she had likewise dropped her fretful complaining, and
we found it a great comfort. Heathcliff had not the habit of bestowing a
single unnecessary civility on Miss Linton, I knew. Now, as soon as he
beheld her, his first precaution was to take a sweeping survey of the
house-front. I was standing by the kitchen-window, but I drew out of
sight. He then stepped across the pavement to her, and said something:
she seemed embarrassed, and desirous of getting away; to prevent it, he
laid his hand on her arm. She averted her face: he apparently put some
question which she had no mind to answer. There was another rapid glance
at the house, and supposing himself unseen, the scoundrel had the
impudence to embrace her.

'Judas! Traitor! ' I ejaculated. 'You are a hypocrite, too, are you? A
deliberate deceiver. '

'Who is, Nelly? ' said Catherine's voice at my elbow: I had been
over-intent on watching the pair outside to mark her entrance.

'Your worthless friend! ' I answered, warmly: 'the sneaking rascal yonder.
Ah, he has caught a glimpse of us--he is coming in! I wonder will he
have the heart to find a plausible excuse for making love to Miss, when
he told you he hated her? '

Mrs. Linton saw Isabella tear herself free, and run into the garden; and
a minute after, Heathcliff opened the door. I couldn't withhold giving
some loose to my indignation; but Catherine angrily insisted on silence,
and threatened to order me out of the kitchen, if I dared to be so
presumptuous as to put in my insolent tongue.

'To hear you, people might think you were the mistress! ' she cried. 'You
want setting down in your right place! Heathcliff, what are you about,
raising this stir? I said you must let Isabella alone! --I beg you will,
unless you are tired of being received here, and wish Linton to draw the
bolts against you! '

'God forbid that he should try! ' answered the black villain. I detested
him just then. 'God keep him meek and patient! Every day I grow madder
after sending him to heaven! '

'Hush! ' said Catherine, shutting the inner door! 'Don't vex me. Why
have you disregarded my request? Did she come across you on purpose? '

'What is it to you? ' he growled. 'I have a right to kiss her, if she
chooses; and you have no right to object. I am not _your_ husband: _you_
needn't be jealous of me! '

'I'm not jealous of you,' replied the mistress; 'I'm jealous for you.
Clear your face: you sha'n't scowl at me! If you like Isabella, you
shall marry her. But do you like her? Tell the truth, Heathcliff!
There, you won't answer. I'm certain you don't. '

'And would Mr. Linton approve of his sister marrying that man? ' I
inquired.

'Mr. Linton should approve,' returned my lady, decisively.

'He might spare himself the trouble,' said Heathcliff: 'I could do as
well without his approbation. And as to you, Catherine, I have a mind to
speak a few words now, while we are at it. I want you to be aware that I
_know_ you have treated me infernally--infernally! Do you hear? And if
you flatter yourself that I don't perceive it, you are a fool; and if
you think I can be consoled by sweet words, you are an idiot: and if you
fancy I'll suffer unrevenged, I'll convince you of the contrary, in a
very little while! Meantime, thank you for telling me your
sister-in-law's secret: I swear I'll make the most of it. And stand you
aside! '

'What new phase of his character is this? ' exclaimed Mrs. Linton, in
amazement. 'I've treated you infernally--and you'll take your revenge!
How will you take it, ungrateful brute? How have I treated you
infernally? '

'I seek no revenge on you,' replied Heathcliff, less vehemently. 'That's
not the plan. The tyrant grinds down his slaves and they don't turn
against him; they crush those beneath them. You are welcome to torture
me to death for your amusement, only allow me to amuse myself a little in
the same style, and refrain from insult as much as you are able. Having
levelled my palace, don't erect a hovel and complacently admire your own
charity in giving me that for a home. If I imagined you really wished me
to marry Isabel, I'd cut my throat! '

'Oh, the evil is that I am _not_ jealous, is it? ' cried Catherine. 'Well,
I won't repeat my offer of a wife: it is as bad as offering Satan a lost
soul. Your bliss lies, like his, in inflicting misery. You prove it.
Edgar is restored from the ill-temper he gave way to at your coming; I
begin to be secure and tranquil; and you, restless to know us at peace,
appear resolved on exciting a quarrel. Quarrel with Edgar, if you
please, Heathcliff, and deceive his sister: you'll hit on exactly the
most efficient method of revenging yourself on me. '

The conversation ceased. Mrs. Linton sat down by the fire, flushed and
gloomy. The spirit which served her was growing intractable: she could
neither lay nor control it. He stood on the hearth with folded arms,
brooding on his evil thoughts; and in this position I left them to seek
the master, who was wondering what kept Catherine below so long.

'Ellen,' said he, when I entered, 'have you seen your mistress? '

'Yes; she's in the kitchen, sir,' I answered. 'She's sadly put out by
Mr. Heathcliff's behaviour: and, indeed, I do think it's time to arrange
his visits on another footing. There's harm in being too soft, and now
it's come to this--. ' And I related the scene in the court, and, as near
as I dared, the whole subsequent dispute. I fancied it could not be very
prejudicial to Mrs. Linton; unless she made it so afterwards, by assuming
the defensive for her guest. Edgar Linton had difficulty in hearing me
to the close. His first words revealed that he did not clear his wife of
blame.

'This is insufferable! ' he exclaimed. 'It is disgraceful that she should
own him for a friend, and force his company on me! Call me two men out
of the hall, Ellen. Catherine shall linger no longer to argue with the
low ruffian--I have humoured her enough. '

He descended, and bidding the servants wait in the passage, went,
followed by me, to the kitchen. Its occupants had recommenced their
angry discussion: Mrs. Linton, at least, was scolding with renewed
vigour; Heathcliff had moved to the window, and hung his head, somewhat
cowed by her violent rating apparently. He saw the master first, and
made a hasty motion that she should be silent; which she obeyed,
abruptly, on discovering the reason of his intimation.

'How is this? ' said Linton, addressing her; 'what notion of propriety
must you have to remain here, after the language which has been held to
you by that blackguard? I suppose, because it is his ordinary talk you
think nothing of it: you are habituated to his baseness, and, perhaps,
imagine I can get used to it too! '

'Have you been listening at the door, Edgar? ' asked the mistress, in a
tone particularly calculated to provoke her husband, implying both
carelessness and contempt of his irritation. Heathcliff, who had raised
his eyes at the former speech, gave a sneering laugh at the latter; on
purpose, it seemed, to draw Mr. Linton's attention to him. He succeeded;
but Edgar did not mean to entertain him with any high flights of passion.

'I've been so far forbearing with you, sir,' he said quietly; 'not that I
was ignorant of your miserable, degraded character, but I felt you were
only partly responsible for that; and Catherine wishing to keep up your
acquaintance, I acquiesced--foolishly. Your presence is a moral poison
that would contaminate the most virtuous: for that cause, and to prevent
worse consequences, I shall deny you hereafter admission into this house,
and give notice now that I require your instant departure. Three
minutes' delay will render it involuntary and ignominious.

Heathcliff measured the height and breadth of the speaker with an eye
full of derision.

'Cathy, this lamb of yours threatens like a bull! ' he said. 'It is in
danger of splitting its skull against my knuckles. By God! Mr. Linton,
I'm mortally sorry that you are not worth knocking down! '

My master glanced towards the passage, and signed me to fetch the men: he
had no intention of hazarding a personal encounter. I obeyed the hint;
but Mrs. Linton, suspecting something, followed; and when I attempted to
call them, she pulled me back, slammed the door to, and locked it.

'Fair means! ' she said, in answer to her husband's look of angry
surprise. 'If you have not courage to attack him, make an apology, or
allow yourself to be beaten. It will correct you of feigning more valour
than you possess. No, I'll swallow the key before you shall get it! I'm
delightfully rewarded for my kindness to each! After constant indulgence
of one's weak nature, and the other's bad one, I earn for thanks two
samples of blind ingratitude, stupid to absurdity! Edgar, I was
defending you and yours; and I wish Heathcliff may flog you sick, for
daring to think an evil thought of me! '

It did not need the medium of a flogging to produce that effect on the
master. He tried to wrest the key from Catherine's grasp, and for safety
she flung it into the hottest part of the fire; whereupon Mr. Edgar was
taken with a nervous trembling, and his countenance grew deadly pale. For
his life he could not avert that excess of emotion: mingled anguish and
humiliation overcame him completely. He leant on the back of a chair,
and covered his face.

'Oh, heavens! In old days this would win you knighthood! ' exclaimed Mrs.
Linton. 'We are vanquished! we are vanquished! Heathcliff would as soon
lift a finger at you as the king would march his army against a colony of
mice. Cheer up! you sha'n't be hurt! Your type is not a lamb, it's a
sucking leveret. '

'I wish you joy of the milk-blooded coward, Cathy! ' said her friend. 'I
compliment you on your taste. And that is the slavering, shivering thing
you preferred to me! I would not strike him with my fist, but I'd kick
him with my foot, and experience considerable satisfaction. Is he
weeping, or is he going to faint for fear? '

The fellow approached and gave the chair on which Linton rested a push.
He'd better have kept his distance: my master quickly sprang erect, and
struck him full on the throat a blow that would have levelled a slighter
man. It took his breath for a minute; and while he choked, Mr. Linton
walked out by the back door into the yard, and from thence to the front
entrance.

'There! you've done with coming here,' cried Catherine. 'Get away, now;
he'll return with a brace of pistols and half-a-dozen assistants. If he
did overhear us, of course he'd never forgive you. You've played me an
ill turn, Heathcliff! But go--make haste! I'd rather see Edgar at bay
than you. '

'Do you suppose I'm going with that blow burning in my gullet? ' he
thundered. 'By hell, no! I'll crush his ribs in like a rotten hazel-nut
before I cross the threshold! If I don't floor him now, I shall murder
him some time; so, as you value his existence, let me get at him! '

'He is not coming,' I interposed, framing a bit of a lie. 'There's the
coachman and the two gardeners; you'll surely not wait to be thrust into
the road by them! Each has a bludgeon; and master will, very likely, be
watching from the parlour-windows to see that they fulfil his orders. '

The gardeners and coachman were there: but Linton was with them. They
had already entered the court. Heathcliff, on the second thoughts,
resolved to avoid a struggle against three underlings: he seized the
poker, smashed the lock from the inner door, and made his escape as they
tramped in.

Mrs. Linton, who was very much excited, bade me accompany her up-stairs.
She did not know my share in contributing to the disturbance, and I was
anxious to keep her in ignorance.

'I'm nearly distracted, Nelly! ' she exclaimed, throwing herself on the
sofa. 'A thousand smiths' hammers are beating in my head! Tell Isabella
to shun me; this uproar is owing to her; and should she or any one else
aggravate my anger at present, I shall get wild. And, Nelly, say to
Edgar, if you see him again to-night, that I'm in danger of being
seriously ill. I wish it may prove true. He has startled and distressed
me shockingly! I want to frighten him. Besides, he might come and begin
a string of abuse or complainings; I'm certain I should recriminate, and
God knows where we should end! Will you do so, my good Nelly? You are
aware that I am no way blamable in this matter. What possessed him to
turn listener? Heathcliff's talk was outrageous, after you left us; but
I could soon have diverted him from Isabella, and the rest meant nothing.
Now all is dashed wrong; by the fool's craving to hear evil of self, that
haunts some people like a demon!
Had Edgar never gathered our
conversation, he would never have been the worse for it. Really, when he
opened on me in that unreasonable tone of displeasure after I had scolded
Heathcliff till I was hoarse for him, I did not care hardly what they did
to each other; especially as I felt that, however the scene closed, we
should all be driven asunder for nobody knows how long! Well, if I
cannot keep Heathcliff for my friend--if Edgar will be mean and jealous,
I'll try to break their hearts by breaking my own. That will be a prompt
way of finishing all, when I am pushed to extremity! But it's a deed to
be reserved for a forlorn hope; I'd not take Linton by surprise with it.
To this point he has been discreet in dreading to provoke me; you must
represent the peril of quitting that policy, and remind him of my
passionate temper, verging, when kindled, on frenzy. I wish you could
dismiss that apathy out of that countenance, and look rather more anxious
about me. '

The stolidity with which I received these instructions was, no doubt,
rather exasperating: for they were delivered in perfect sincerity; but I
believed a person who could plan the turning of her fits of passion to
account, beforehand, might, by exerting her will, manage to control
herself tolerably, even while under their influence; and I did not wish
to 'frighten' her husband, as she said, and multiply his annoyances for
the purpose of serving her selfishness. Therefore I said nothing when I
met the master coming towards the parlour; but I took the liberty of
turning back to listen whether they would resume their quarrel together.
He began to speak first.

'Remain where you are, Catherine,' he said; without any anger in his
voice, but with much sorrowful despondency. 'I shall not stay. I am
neither come to wrangle nor be reconciled; but I wish just to learn
whether, after this evening's events, you intend to continue your
intimacy with--'

'Oh, for mercy's sake,' interrupted the mistress, stamping her foot, 'for
mercy's sake, let us hear no more of it now! Your cold blood cannot be
worked into a fever: your veins are full of ice-water; but mine are
boiling, and the sight of such chillness makes them dance. '

'To get rid of me, answer my question,' persevered Mr. Linton. 'You must
answer it; and that violence does not alarm me. I have found that you
can be as stoical as anyone, when you please. Will you give up
Heathcliff hereafter, or will you give up me? It is impossible for you
to be _my_ friend and _his_ at the same time; and I absolutely _require_
to know which you choose. '

'I require to be let alone! ' exclaimed Catherine, furiously. 'I demand
it! Don't you see I can scarcely stand? Edgar, you--you leave me! '

She rang the bell till it broke with a twang; I entered leisurely. It
was enough to try the temper of a saint, such senseless, wicked rages!
There she lay dashing her head against the arm of the sofa, and grinding
her teeth, so that you might fancy she would crash them to splinters! Mr.
Linton stood looking at her in sudden compunction and fear. He told me
to fetch some water. She had no breath for speaking. I brought a glass
full; and as she would not drink, I sprinkled it on her face. In a few
seconds she stretched herself out stiff, and turned up her eyes, while
her cheeks, at once blanched and livid, assumed the aspect of death.
Linton looked terrified.

'There is nothing in the world the matter,' I whispered. I did not want
him to yield, though I could not help being afraid in my heart.

'She has blood on her lips! ' he said, shuddering.

'Never mind! ' I answered, tartly. And I told him how she had resolved,
previous to his coming, on exhibiting a fit of frenzy. I incautiously
gave the account aloud, and she heard me; for she started up--her hair
flying over her shoulders, her eyes flashing, the muscles of her neck
and arms standing out preternaturally. I made up my mind for broken
bones, at least; but she only glared about her for an instant, and then
rushed from the room. The master directed me to follow; I did, to her
chamber-door: she hindered me from going further by securing it against
me.

As she never offered to descend to breakfast next morning, I went to ask
whether she would have some carried up. 'No! ' she replied, peremptorily.
The same question was repeated at dinner and tea; and again on the morrow
after, and received the same answer. Mr. Linton, on his part, spent his
time in the library, and did not inquire concerning his wife's
occupations. Isabella and he had had an hour's interview, during which
he tried to elicit from her some sentiment of proper horror for
Heathcliff's advances: but he could make nothing of her evasive replies,
and was obliged to close the examination unsatisfactorily; adding,
however, a solemn warning, that if she were so insane as to encourage
that worthless suitor, it would dissolve all bonds of relationship
between herself and him.




CHAPTER XII


While Miss Linton moped about the park and garden, always silent, and
almost always in tears; and her brother shut himself up among books that
he never opened--wearying, I guessed, with a continual vague expectation
that Catherine, repenting her conduct, would come of her own accord to
ask pardon, and seek a reconciliation--and _she_ fasted pertinaciously,
under the idea, probably, that at every meal Edgar was ready to choke for
her absence, and pride alone held him from running to cast himself at her
feet; I went about my household duties, convinced that the Grange had but
one sensible soul in its walls, and that lodged in my body. I wasted no
condolences on Miss, nor any expostulations on my mistress; nor did I pay
much attention to the sighs of my master, who yearned to hear his lady's
name, since he might not hear her voice. I determined they should come
about as they pleased for me; and though it was a tiresomely slow
process, I began to rejoice at length in a faint dawn of its progress: as
I thought at first.

Mrs. Linton, on the third day, unbarred her door, and having finished the
water in her pitcher and decanter, desired a renewed supply, and a basin
of gruel, for she believed she was dying. That I set down as a speech
meant for Edgar's ears; I believed no such thing, so I kept it to myself
and brought her some tea and dry toast. She ate and drank eagerly, and
sank back on her pillow again, clenching her hands and groaning. 'Oh, I
will die,' she exclaimed, 'since no one cares anything about me. I wish
I had not taken that. ' Then a good while after I heard her murmur, 'No,
I'll not die--he'd be glad--he does not love me at all--he would never
miss me! '

'Did you want anything, ma'am? ' I inquired, still preserving my external
composure, in spite of her ghastly countenance and strange, exaggerated
manner.

'What is that apathetic being doing? ' she demanded, pushing the thick
entangled locks from her wasted face. 'Has he fallen into a lethargy, or
is he dead? '

'Neither,' replied I; 'if you mean Mr. Linton. He's tolerably well, I
think, though his studies occupy him rather more than they ought: he is
continually among his books, since he has no other society. '

I should not have spoken so if I had known her true condition, but I
could not get rid of the notion that she acted a part of her disorder.

'Among his books! ' she cried, confounded. 'And I dying! I on the brink
of the grave! My God! does he know how I'm altered? ' continued she,
staring at her reflection in a mirror hanging against the opposite wall.
'Is that Catherine Linton? He imagines me in a pet--in play, perhaps.
Cannot you inform him that it is frightful earnest? Nelly, if it be not
too late, as soon as I learn how he feels, I'll choose between these two:
either to starve at once--that would be no punishment unless he had a
heart--or to recover, and leave the country. Are you speaking the truth
about him now? Take care. Is he actually so utterly indifferent for my
life? '

'Why, ma'am,' I answered, 'the master has no idea of your being deranged;
and of course he does not fear that you will let yourself die of hunger. '

'You think not? Cannot you tell him I will? ' she returned. 'Persuade
him! speak of your own mind: say you are certain I will! '

'No, you forget, Mrs. Linton,' I suggested, 'that you have eaten some
food with a relish this evening, and to-morrow you will perceive its good
effects. '

'If I were only sure it would kill him,' she interrupted, 'I'd kill
myself directly! These three awful nights I've never closed my lids--and
oh, I've been tormented! I've been haunted, Nelly! But I begin to fancy
you don't like me. How strange! I thought, though everybody hated and
despised each other, they could not avoid loving me. And they have all
turned to enemies in a few hours: they have, I'm positive; the people
here. How dreary to meet death, surrounded by their cold faces!
Isabella, terrified and repelled, afraid to enter the room, it would be
so dreadful to watch Catherine go. And Edgar standing solemnly by to see
it over; then offering prayers of thanks to God for restoring peace to
his house, and going back to his _books_! What in the name of all that
feels has he to do with _books_, when I am dying? '

She could not bear the notion which I had put into her head of Mr.
Linton's philosophical resignation. Tossing about, she increased her
feverish bewilderment to madness, and tore the pillow with her teeth;
then raising herself up all burning, desired that I would open the
window. We were in the middle of winter, the wind blew strong from the
north-east, and I objected. Both the expressions flitting over her face,
and the changes of her moods, began to alarm me terribly; and brought to
my recollection her former illness, and the doctor's injunction that she
should not be crossed. A minute previously she was violent; now,
supported on one arm, and not noticing my refusal to obey her, she seemed
to find childish diversion in pulling the feathers from the rents she had
just made, and ranging them on the sheet according to their different
species: her mind had strayed to other associations.

'That's a turkey's,' she murmured to herself; 'and this is a wild duck's;
and this is a pigeon's. Ah, they put pigeons' feathers in the pillows--no
wonder I couldn't die! Let me take care to throw it on the floor when I
lie down. And here is a moor-cock's; and this--I should know it among a
thousand--it's a lapwing's. Bonny bird; wheeling over our heads in the
middle of the moor. It wanted to get to its nest, for the clouds had
touched the swells, and it felt rain coming. This feather was picked up
from the heath, the bird was not shot: we saw its nest in the winter,
full of little skeletons. Heathcliff set a trap over it, and the old
ones dared not come. I made him promise he'd never shoot a lapwing after
that, and he didn't. Yes, here are more! Did he shoot my lapwings,
Nelly? Are they red, any of them? Let me look. '

'Give over with that baby-work! ' I interrupted, dragging the pillow away,
and turning the holes towards the mattress, for she was removing its
contents by handfuls. 'Lie down and shut your eyes: you're wandering.
There's a mess! The down is flying about like snow. '

I went here and there collecting it.

'I see in you, Nelly,' she continued dreamily, 'an aged woman: you have
grey hair and bent shoulders. This bed is the fairy cave under Penistone
crags, and you are gathering elf-bolts to hurt our heifers; pretending,
while I am near, that they are only locks of wool. That's what you'll
come to fifty years hence: I know you are not so now. I'm not wandering:
you're mistaken, or else I should believe you really _were_ that withered
hag, and I should think I _was_ under Penistone Crags; and I'm conscious
it's night, and there are two candles on the table making the black press
shine like jet. '

'The black press? where is that? ' I asked. 'You are talking in your
sleep! '

'It's against the wall, as it always is,' she replied. 'It _does_ appear
odd--I see a face in it! '

'There's no press in the room, and never was,' said I, resuming my seat,
and looping up the curtain that I might watch her.

'Don't _you_ see that face? ' she inquired, gazing earnestly at the
mirror.

And say what I could, I was incapable of making her comprehend it to be
her own; so I rose and covered it with a shawl.

'It's behind there still! ' she pursued, anxiously. 'And it stirred. Who
is it? I hope it will not come out when you are gone! Oh! Nelly, the
room is haunted! I'm afraid of being alone! '

I took her hand in mine, and bid her be composed; for a succession of
shudders convulsed her frame, and she would keep straining her gaze
towards the glass.

'There's nobody here! ' I insisted. 'It was _yourself_, Mrs. Linton: you
knew it a while since. '

'Myself! ' she gasped, 'and the clock is striking twelve! It's true,
then! that's dreadful! '

Her fingers clutched the clothes, and gathered them over her eyes. I
attempted to steal to the door with an intention of calling her husband;
but I was summoned back by a piercing shriek--the shawl had dropped from
the frame.

'Why, what is the matter? ' cried I. 'Who is coward now? Wake up! That
is the glass--the mirror, Mrs. Linton; and you see yourself in it, and
there am I too by your side. '

Trembling and bewildered, she held me fast, but the horror gradually
passed from her countenance; its paleness gave place to a glow of shame.

'Oh, dear! I thought I was at home,' she sighed. 'I thought I was lying
in my chamber at Wuthering Heights. Because I'm weak, my brain got
confused, and I screamed unconsciously. Don't say anything; but stay
with me. I dread sleeping: my dreams appal me. '

'A sound sleep would do you good, ma'am,' I answered: 'and I hope this
suffering will prevent your trying starving again. '

'Oh, if I were but in my own bed in the old house! ' she went on bitterly,
wringing her hands. 'And that wind sounding in the firs by the lattice.
Do let me feel it--it comes straight down the moor--do let me have one
breath! ' To pacify her I held the casement ajar a few seconds. A cold
blast rushed through; I closed it, and returned to my post. She lay
still now, her face bathed in tears. Exhaustion of body had entirely
subdued her spirit: our fiery Catherine was no better than a wailing
child.

'How long is it since I shut myself in here? ' she asked, suddenly
reviving.

'It was Monday evening,' I replied, 'and this is Thursday night, or
rather Friday morning, at present. '

'What! of the same week? ' she exclaimed. 'Only that brief time? '

'Long enough to live on nothing but cold water and ill-temper,' observed
I.

'Well, it seems a weary number of hours,' she muttered doubtfully: 'it
must be more. I remember being in the parlour after they had quarrelled,
and Edgar being cruelly provoking, and me running into this room
desperate. As soon as ever I had barred the door, utter blackness
overwhelmed me, and I fell on the floor. I couldn't explain to Edgar how
certain I felt of having a fit, or going raging mad, if he persisted in
teasing me! I had no command of tongue, or brain, and he did not guess
my agony, perhaps: it barely left me sense to try to escape from him and
his voice. Before I recovered sufficiently to see and hear, it began to
be dawn, and, Nelly, I'll tell you what I thought, and what has kept
recurring and recurring till I feared for my reason. I thought as I lay
there, with my head against that table leg, and my eyes dimly discerning
the grey square of the window, that I was enclosed in the oak-panelled
bed at home; and my heart ached with some great grief which, just
waking, I could not recollect. I pondered, and worried myself to
discover what it could be, and, most strangely, the whole last seven
years of my life grew a blank! I did not recall that they had been at
all.