Each time, before going to sleep, and on waking up in the morning, my
decision
to remain was definite.
Lifton-Robert-Jay-Thought-Reform-and-the-Psychology-of-Totalism
He muttered when he spoke, and he was not too sociable a person.
.
.
.
Allthe students were free to give their true opinions about his teaching, their criticism about him.
They emphasized with him and with most of the professors that they neglected their teaching and were
? THE CONVERSIONS OF YOUTH J2J
more interested in research. . . . But his case was especially big because as faculty chairman he was accused about other aspects of university behavior. . . . He got up and accused himself of his previous dealings with the KMT, his friendship with KMT leaders. He also confessed that he had not been very enthusiastic in thought reform, and had not taken a very active part in the political classes among the professors. Then he said that when he had been chairman of the faculty committee, he had not really worked as a true chairman--that he had been only eager to write articles in order to get them published in magazines for his own international fame--and that his work was really for himself, not for his students. . . . The students kept adding criticisms, and he had to criticize himself on four occasions before he was allowed to finish. . . . Practically speaking, almost all of the professors "bowed their heads" in front of the Party. They were approved sooner or later. Some were very tough and stubborn at first, but then to everybody's surprise, they would turn about face and admit that they had been wrong.
George felt that some of these criticisms and self-criticisms were overdone, but thought most of them "reasonable"; for by now he was once more joining with group enthusiasms, and was in general accord with student actions.
During the Honesty and Frankness Movement which followed (also a part of the Thought Reform Campaign), students turned their criticisms upon themselves. They were told that in the past the government had been corrupt and the political system "irra- tional," so that people were forced to be dishonest; but now, with an enlightened and "rational" government, one could be "honest and frank" about everything. In addition to the usual details about their backgrounds, students were expected to confess such things as "intrigues and wrongs of parents," cheating during examinations,
listening to illegal radio broadcasts, and (especially for women) lies about age.
At first, George thought that any denunciation of his family would be immoral: "Prior to these meetings, I did not believe that family affiliation could be a mistake. " But group pressures soon led him to the opposite conviction, that it would be immoral not to denounce one's family: "The Organization [Party, Youth Corps, and government] kept emphasizing that attachment toward our families was selfish and wrong, since they had been against the wel- fare of the people. So I began to feel that by loving my family, I was neglecting my duty to my country," Like Hu, George felt guilty over keeping a secret: "I also thought that if each individual
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kept something secret, something only known to himself, it would certainly have a bad effect upon his work for the government-- and for the sake of the people, it was right to ask everyone to tell the truth. " And he was greatly influenced by the unanimous con- fession trend among the forty freshmen physics students in his section: "When I saw others criticizing their family happily, and I contrasted this with my own reluctance, I began to think that this must be due to my own selfishness. " By this time, his inner moral conflict had become inextricably merged with fear of external re- prisal, so that the only solution he saw was to submit.
I felt very confused and upset. . . . I knew that the matter must be settled--and that if I didn't do it well, the government would discover that I wasn't being frank enough and I would be in for trouble. I felt that if I could once and for all settle the turmoil in my mind, I would calm down and be able to feel that I had done my duty to my country.
In deciding what to confess, George was influenced by others be- fore him ("they set good examples for me") and by his realization that the purpose of the movement was to get people to confess those things they most wished to conceal:
To me the only thing I wanted to conceal was that I had come from a reactionary, bureaucratic family--so this was the thing to confess. . . . I told that my father had been a KMT official, a KMT party member, and had held important KMT positions. I said that he had been a reactionary, a man who worked for the welfare of his class which was against the welfare of the people. . . . and that my attachment for my family was selfish and wrong. . . .
He experienced the relief of one who has carried out his obliga- tions: "I had the feeling that what I did was right, because it was what the government required me to do, and that it was proper behavior. " But his family attachments could not be severed, and he could not avoid recurrent guilt:
When I would receive letters from my family, or look through my lug- gage and see reminders of home, I felt sorry about what I had done. . . . Other students told me that after they had made their confession they considered their relationship with their family ended, and that they felt great relief and did not have to worry any more. . . . I did not feel this way.
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George also experienced the full impact of one other campaign --the fabricated Chinese charges about bacteriological warfare.
At a mass meeting there were formal reports given of the proofs available --of American planes having carried leaves with insects and bacteria, pictures of these. . . . Then all of the students went to an open exhibi- tion in Peking of small glass bottles of leaves that carried the germs, as well as insects--also test tubes, and dissected pathological parts of dead people who had died from these germs--everything in great detail . . . cholera and other epidemic diseases to destroy the agriculture of China. It said that some of these germs had been dropped in North Korea, some in Manchuria, and some in other Chinese provinces. . . . Atfirst I was not so sure. . . . But later, when the confessions of American pilots were published *--photographs and attached signatures--and there was confirmation of the fact by several famous scientists from various countries, including a Fellow of the Royal Society, I believed it to be true.
Although convinced by this campaign, George found himself once more deficient in hatred, this time because he was unable to evoke the necessary stereotype of the evil American; and once more he considered this to be a moral shortcoming on his part.
1 felt resentful against the Americans, and believed that it was very in- human for a civilized country to commit such an evil deed. . . . But when many students in my class became very angry and made heated accusations against the American imperialists . . . I found that I could not feel as angry as they did. . . . Perhaps it was because I could never experience a bloodthirsty image of an American. I had a bloodthirsty image of a Japanese soldier in my mind. . . . of a cold, able, but in- human German. But 1 saw an American--though no longer easygoing, kindhearted and generous--still cheerful, openminded, and innocent. . , . I admitted that germ warfare was a fact, and I tried very hard to model a picture of the fierce American , . . but my impression of the innocent American never quite diminished. . . . B u t then I w a s ashamed of myself for not being emotional enough.
Beyond these personal limitations, however, George was impressed with the effectiveness of the germ warfare agitation, not only in stirring up anti-American feeling and in rallying the Chinese people in a greater effort in the Korean war, but also in serving as a stimulus for a nationwide hygiene campaign, a campaign in which the students participated by laboring on improvement of their university sewage and drainage systems.
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During George's sophomore year, there were no major move- ments; but he experienced similar emotions in relationship to a continuing program of less dramatic thought reform measures. He did maintain a certain amount of emotional distance between him- self and the Communists: "I never deified the Party. . . . I be- lieved in it, but I never could make myself love it. " And especially during those rare moments when he was alone, he wondered whether Communism went too far in curbing personal freedom, or whether it was not being "unscientific" in its exaggeration and its claims of infallibility. But these doubts did not last: "I could not dare to believe that they were wrong and I was right. " By the end of his second year at the university--and at the end of four years of Communist student life and reform--the Party had gained his trust and his allegiance: "I was completely confident in their theories. I trusted their program. . . . They seemed invincible. Emotionally speaking, I relied on them. " Other students classified him as a "scholastic inactivist"--an outstanding student sufficiently progressive in his views but somewhat "lagging behind" in his enthusiasm and a bit "sentimental" about his family.
When he was summoned to Hong Kong during his vacation be- cause of the death of his grandfather--his first family visit in two years--he thought the trip would be nothing more than an inter- lude before returning to an exciting future in Communist China, and he planned to be back in Peking at the University well before the next semester began. Indeed, he applied a "reformed" judg- ment to all that he saw in Hong Kong:
I was hostile to the old society, and I looked upon the people in it with the eyes of an o\vl. I found myself unaccustomed to the capitalist way of life, and could not bear the vanity, waste, and extravagance of life here. . . . I resented differences and discrimination between rich and poor . . . well-to-do people enslaving their servants. . . . I thought that I could openly and disinterestedly scorn and hate them, for I was so much superior to them.
Yet within a few weeks he had reversed himself completely, this time not only in his point of view, but in his life plans. He decided to give up his university education on the mainland and remain in Hong Kong: again the influence of family members initiated a change of heart. He found his mother in an unhappy and "pitiable"
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state; he felt "overwhelmed by affection'7 for her and unwilling to contemplate the pain he would cause her if he returned to the mainland. He also experienced feelings of guilt and responsibility toward a younger brother whom he had sometimes bullied during childhood (one is responsible for one's younger brother in Chinese culture); and since this brother planned to study in Taiwan, George feared that if he returned to Peking he might never see him again. George described these family influences as "not rational, but rather emotional. "
Moreover, his older brother, to whom he had often looked for guidance in the past, was able to bring to bear upon him intellectual pressures as well. As an editor of an anti-Communist press service in Hong Kong, he made available to George a large number of books dealing with Western political theory, and presenting critical views of Russian Communism; these included a political biography of Lenin and a study of forced labor in the Soviet Union. George spent all of his waking hours reading; he was impressed by the works of Bertrand Russell, Arthur Lovejoy, and C. E. M. Joad, and was strongly affected by George Orwell's 1984: "I could compare this with my own experience on the mainland, and see that this was the logical eventual result of life under Communism/'
He developed a critical attitude toward Soviet Russia, and then a sense of mistrust for Chinese Communism, together with a more sympathetic view of the Western democratic tradition.
While on the mainland, I had considered democracy as an age-old idea, outmoded--the capitalist world a corrupt and decadent one which must be historically eliminated within a short period. . . . But now I began to feel that things in the capitalist system were not as hopeless as the Communists said . . . that some form of socialism might be a desirable goal . . . but that in any case, we should not follow the road set by Communism--a road of revolution, violence, and killing. . . . I re- evaluated my ideas about humanity, and the importance of liberalism. I also felt that the humanism derived from the tradition of the Italian Renaissance, and its skeptical spirit were much in contrast to the Com- munists and their fatalism. Their ideas about dialectical materialism seemed quite opposed to the scientific method and spirit.
Similarly, he began to feel that the uncertain future of life in Hong Kong--with the possible hope of some day studying in Amer- ica--was more desirable than completing his university education
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and accepting a job assignment in Communist China. Having tasted a certain amount of this kind of exploration in ideas, he concluded that this was what he wanted, and had in fact always wanted:
The whole atmosphere on the mainland did not encourage clear think- ing. But when I came out, I was able to read books, and permitted to think about things to a logical conclusion. I began to feel that I had no future in a society without this freedom. . . . I concluded that I had always been latently hostile to the Communists and now my hostility could come out.
As might be expected, George went through a period of painful doubt and indecision, "a conflict of the two understandings. " He also feared that the Communists might take over Hong Kong and force him to "face the consequences of my desertion. " And even after making a formal promise to his parents that he would re- main, he was unable to quiet the turmoil which emanated from his unconscious mind as a series of dreams:
In those ten days right after I had decided to remain here, I often--six or seven times---dreamed of getting back to the mainland. In the dreams, I was living with my classmates and talking with them as things used to be. In one dream I was at that very moment at the boundary of Hong Kong and China. I hoped to get back and something was preventing me from doing so. Suddenly I discovered that I had no document of admit- tance and I was in despair. Then I awoke. . . . In another dream, I was back on the mainland, talking to several schoolmates, close friends, as we always did. Suddenly a thought came to me: what a narrow escape I had had in Hong Kong. I almost did not go back, and I was relieved to realize that I wasback on the mainland. . . .
Each time, before going to sleep, and on waking up in the morning, my decision to remain was definite. I was sure that I was here and that I wasn't going back. But in the dreams I lacked this understanding . . . and my thoughts were just like those that I had when I was really on the mainland.
In associating to these dreams, George spoke of happy moments on the mainland--friendly talks with fellow students, visits to record stalls to listen to classical music. He also revealed the resent- ment which he felt toward his parents for their role in influencing his decision.
When I awoke after one of these dreams, I actually resented my family a little. Going back to the mainland still at that moment seemed very desirable. . . . Then I thought of the promise I made to them that I
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would stay. I made it first to my mother. . . . But with my father also --he is a very stubborn man--and once you promise him something, if you break it you have a very hard time. . . . I felt then that the family would not let me break the promise--which was made originally because of their request. . . . I felt it was giving me some kind of restriction, holding me back, causing me to lose my opportunity to study. . . . I usually felt the resentment toward my father.
George even admitted that he had been happier on the main- land than he was in Hong Kong "because of my friends there and the absence of financial worry. "
But before long, George settled into Hong Kong life, busying himself with studies at a local college, with editing and writing for an anti-Communist press organization, and with work on a novel about his life in Communist China. Although he was con- vinced that he had made the correct decision, he was still disturbed by letters from friends on the mainland which criticized his action and referred to the exciting future for young men in Communist China. He was especially troubled by letters from one former class- mate with whom George had previously shared doubts about some Communist actions; this boy now wrote to him in a vein not un- critical of Communism, yet he still found fault with George for staying in Hong Kong.
One year later, during the course of our interviews, George un- derwent still another period of painful indecision, and another sudden reversal of his plans. Having received little encouragement from American universities in response to his inquiries about scholarships, he decided to take advantage of an opportunity to study medicine in Taiwan, and achieved very high grades on an entrance examination he took in Hong Kong. But after booking his boat ticket, he spent two or three sleepless nights before the scheduled departure, tortured by fear and doubt. He felt com- pletely unable to undertake the trip. A family conference was called, and it was decided that since he was so fearful, he should cancel his plans. It was mainly the Communists whom he feared.
The more I thought about going, the more fear I felt. . . . Therewas the fear of leaving my parents, but I realized that it wasn't this alone that led to my decision. I also feared the political situation on Taiwan . . . that it might be dangerous for someone who had been so long on the mainland to go there. . . . And I feared that the Communists may
? 33? THOUGHT REFORM
stop the ship and kidnap passengers as they did once on a ferry between Hong Kong and Macao. I feared that the Communists may come and take the island. . . , I knew that my father's contacts could help if I were in trouble with the KMT--but with the Communists nothing could help. . . . If they should come I had the feeling that I would lose all of my freedom and safety and might never see my family again. . . . This fear of the Communists was by far the most important factor in my decision.
Once he and his family had decided he would not go, his sense of relief was immediate. He then weathered a certain amount of criticism from his father, who accused him of being "indecisive," continued with his life in Hong Kong, and renewed his efforts to arrange study in America. In discussing this incident with me, he emphasized that he had never experienced this kind of fear of the Communists during the years that he actually lived under them.
Toward the end of our meetings, George talked freely of the development of his personal philosophy and his quest for the mean- ing of life. He described his earliest convictions--derived from his own childhood experiences, and from reading the tragic love poetry from the T'ang and Sung dynasties--of the "futility of life"; its replacement by a religious belief that "the meaning of life could be the glorification of God"; and after having been disillusioned with this, finding very compelling the Communist claim that "the purpose of life is to serve the people. " After his break with Com- munism, he remained concerned with this problem, but came to look upon it in terms of man's relationship to his individual existence:
In all these previous concepts I thought that the purpose of life was something definite that you could grasp. Now I know that this is not so. I am inclined to believe that the purpose of life has to do with what degree you have carried out your aims and ideals . . . your responsibili- ties to your own thoughts and feelings.
He illustrated his personal change through his altered idea of the hero:
If I had daydreams now, they would still be different from that of my childhood. Then it was a person of great heroic grandeur; now I think of perfection of ability and of moral sentiments . . . unselfishness, dis- interestedness, honesty to others and to oneself.
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George retained his emphasis upon the inner man, contrasting this with the Communist ethos as he saw it:
In their opinion there is nothing beyond the material. They have no recognition of spirit. They think there is no need for artistic search and for beauty. I cannot agree with this. . . . I believe that human beings need all kinds of satisfaction, of material feelings and of spirit. When you eat something you are satisfied. But when it is over and you think of the act of eating, there is no more satisfaction. But if you have emo- tional satisfaction or emotional sympathy for something, then even on reflection you still feel that satisfaction or sympathy. All of the satis- faction that can be retained by reflection in retrospect belongs to your inner feelings, and these are most valuable.
George was critical of Communist attitudes toward family rela- tionships, especially that between mother and son:
They said that even the relationship of a mother and son is a relation- ship of economic interest . . . that when a mother was very fond of her son who was rich, after he was broke, she would treat him badly. . . . My own experience didn't lead me to think of such economic factors between mother and son. , . . I had doubts about their theory, but I could not then fully disagree with them. . . . Now I realize that they have a complete ignorance of the power of moral standards and of human emotion. . . . They have no recognition of personal feelings.
During the course of his stay in Hong Kong, George gradually reintegrated himself into the pattern of his family, somewhat in the fashion of a traditional Chinese son. He and his father became more moderate in their behavior toward each other, and George be- gan to feel "a little apologetic" over past disrespectful behavior. He adopted a policy of "outwardly agreeing with everything father says/' avoiding conflict wherever possible, and--despite his con- tinued reservations--making every effort to accept his father as the "moral authority" in the family. George extended his concern for personal morality to the behavior of others: he criticized a female cousin for what he considered to be indiscriminate behavior with men, and even called his older brother to task for spending a great deal of time with a girl friend at the expense of scholarly pursuits. He remained equally strict with himself in his disciplined life of writing and study, although he too began to demonstrate an in- creasing, if shy and hesitant, interest in girls.
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When I saw him during my follow-up visit three years later, he had become a confident youth in his mid-twenties, and had im- proved his English enough for us to dispense with an interpreter. He no longer wished to discuss in any detail his mainland ex- periences, and preferred to look ahead to his study in America, hav- ing almost completed visa and scholarship arrangements. His family had already moved to the United States. But once more there had been a change in his plans: no longer a student of science, he was perhaps following his more natural bent in pursuing a program in literature and dramatics.
Compared with Chao's and Hu's, George Chen's thought reform had initially been more successful; but his family identifications, more consistently binding than theirs, played a large part in un- doing these reform influences. Neither a perpetual rebel nor a frustrated careerist, George Chen was an impressionable youngster torn between youth group and family loyalties, the first of which offered a path to Chinese Communism, and the second the possi- bility of a liberal alternative.
In his sequence of identity patterns, George covered less emo- tional distance than either Chao or Hu. Coming from an urban, somewhat Westernized background, and having spent part of his childhood in the British colony of Hong Kong, he had experienced a good deal less of traditional Chinese life. Like the others he was brought up to be a filial son, obedient to his elders, loyal to his family. But as a member of a younger, more "modern" generation, he had fewer Confucian influences to contend with, and had from the beginning been exposed to a compromise Chinese-Western family atmosphere. This, along with his family's opportunity to keep together, gave him a greater sense of cultural continuity than either Chao or Hu: less "Chinese" to begin with, he had less need to break with his Chinese past. Offered love and support from his family, his filialism, compared to Hu's, was neither a pseudo iden- tity nor an archaic one.
Yet George too felt the chaos of his society and the effects of strained family relationships. As a weak, dislocated, and dependent child, he was aware early of his refugee status; he needed more nurturing than was available, and developed a psychological escape into illness. His infantile depression at the time of the departure
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of his first amah was the prototype of a later tendency toward de- pression and despair. 2 As a melancholy isolate, he developed an un- dercurrent of introspective brooding and a keen sense for the sad- ness of life. Far from incapacitating him, however, these qualities contributed to a rich inner life to which he later clung tenaciously. And they also became associated with a personal pattern of death and rebirth--a tendency to hit rock bottom in despairing inde- cision and doubt, and then to emerge strengthened by his own inwardness.
Like Hu, George longed for the return of an absent father; and he too built up personal myths in which he was hero and redeemer. But in contrast to Hu, these myths did not involve vengeance and retaliation toward hated family members; rather, they con- tained the filial wish to deliver both the family and himself from positions of shame and weakness. And he found his means of per- sonal deliverance, not through heroic action, but by continuing to turn inward, by developing---as a creative seeker--the artist's urge for self-expression as well as the scientist's urge to know. Such crea- tive urges, whatever their origins and whatever suffering may accom- pany them, contribute to a sense of identity which transcends one's immediate environment, even one's culture. Both the artist and the scientist in George were involved in his search for the meaning of life. However immature and unstable this quest may have been, it was at least his own, and it required him to weigh every experience against standards that were both personal and universal.
In his early teens, George became both a romantic and a moralist. These two sides of him were symbolized in his description of his two grandmothers--one a spontaneous and affectionate lover of nature, the other a stern (and personally wronged) representative of God's most severe judgments. We cannot, of course, claim that these ladies were entirely responsible for shaping the two identities. But grandparents have a strong influence within a Chinese family, even when they preach a Western Christian message; and there is no doubt that they played an important part in bringing out these two potential aspects of George's character. The romantic in him thrived upon sensation, craving an idealized world of beautiful words, sights and feelings. The moralist in him condemned these very yearnings, both in himself and in others; it was guilt-ridden, judging, ever on guard against temptation. For it was compounded
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of a sensitive child's susceptibilities to shame and guilt (including the probable childhood fantasy that he was in some way responsible for such catastrophes as his amah's departure and the family's dis- location); of Christian notions of sin and evil, and of Confucian- derived standards of personal propriety. The moralist in him con- demned his father, on the basis of both the latter's real short comings and George's intolerance for a rival for his cherished mother. And the moralist in him also kept a steady and critical eye on the activities of all other family members as well.
On the subjects of sex and religion, the romantic and the moralist joined forces. Feeling guilty and ashamed about his sensual urges, George found sanction (incomplete, but meaningful all the same) in D. H. Lawrence's hymn of praise to the sensual, in a novel which has been described as expressing "Lawrence's romantic religious, antinomian, ecstatic faith that sex is holy. " 3 George's early attrac- tion to Christianity reflects both the moralist's need for responsible doctrine and relief of guilt, and the romantic's quest for eternal beauty and eternal meaning.
It is as the romantic moralist, then, that George judged both the declining Nationalist regime and the oncoming Communists. He condemned the immorality of the former although retaining his family-based emotional loyalty for it. But very quickly after the onset of Communist thought reform, he experienced a romantic conversion against a dimly-lit background, with lonely and mystical overtones. Also involved was the romantic's need to submit to the natural elements, since George felt strongly Communism's claim to be the wave of the future.
In comparing George's approach to Communism with Hu's, George was more the visionary and less the political activist, more the inner man (or boy) and less the power seeker. But George shared with Hu the extremely important urge, so characteristic of youth everywhere during our era, to find group acceptance and an emotional home among his peers. Both used this acceptance to free themselves from family controls and enter into manhood. George too had his political mentor, the rational and giving instructor, who contrasted sharply with the irrational and self-centered (or absent) father of George's childhood. Like Hu (and like Dr. Vin- cent) George was an isolate who craved intimacy with other people; unlike either of them, he had known enough love in his life to have
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become quite capable of achieving this intimacy.
As the modern student, George felt a strong urge to remain in
step with his fellow students and his country. George did not, like Hu, seek in Communism an outlet for personal hostilities; he felt, in fact, the need to repress these hostilities, both toward his family and the Communists themselves. This nonhostile compliance may be regarded as an inability to tolerate conscious resentment, but it is also related to a pattern of receptivity frequently present in creative people: a tendency to open oneself completely to new influences as a way of knowing them. It is also the romantic's eternal quest for an atmosphere of love.
These tendencies are part of the reason George was such a peren- nial backslider, why he underwent so many conversions and counter- conversions. There were no less than six of these in relation to Com- munism, both for and against, and still another in his earlier re- sponse to Christianity. Any explanation must be, as usual, overdeter- mined, and must be based on both George's personal character and on the historical and cultural circumstances. The most obvious factor, but a very important one, was that his family had re-estab- lished itself in Hong Kong, the scene of so much of his childhood, and had once more assumed a collective refugee identity. These cir- cumstances not only created a reason for George to travel back and forth, but gave him an emotional sense of living in two separate homes, of having two distinct centers--or, to put it another way, of commuting between the two identities of the filial son and the modern student. Moreover, at the time of these journeys, George was an adolescent, going through the stage of life during which conversions are most natural, identity experiments most necessary, and Utopian visions most appealing. More than this, he was a Chinese adolescent, who although modern and Western in his direction, was still emotionally tied to traditional Chinese notions of propriety and harmony. Both in denouncing his parents to ful- fil] Communist requirements, and in giving up a career in Com- munist China in response to family loyalties, he felt he was doing the proper thing under the circumstances, adapting himself to the demands of a group which had just claims upon his allegiance.
Then, too, the nature of the Communist demands was such that they always carried with them the potential for rebound. Even among the most rebellious of Chinese youth, filial identifications
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were likely to reappear. One public denunciation cannot wipe out four thousand years of filial ethos. The potential for backsliding would always be there, especially if the environment supports it, and most especially in the company of parents.
In view of all this, one could hardly expect any Chinese youngster to steer a perfectly straight identity course. But two features of George's personal character--his unusually strong dependency needs and his pattern of ambivalence--made him especially susceptible to vacillation. His ties to his mother (she too was indecisive), and his guilt and shame-filled sentiments toward his father and brother (for unfilial acts or thoughts) made it impossible for him to cast off family attachments. Yet his equally compelling quest for group be- longing made it almost impossible for him to live up to them. Never having felt himself to be fully nurtured in an emotional sense (and perhaps constitutionallyin need of an unusual amount of nurturing, of a very special kind), George tended to hold on to those things which had nourished him, and to waver between choices when something had to be given up.
Here again is the death-and-rebirth pattern previously men- tioned. In each of George's conversions and counterconversions there was a somewhat depressive tendency: a pattern of mourn- ing, preoccupation with and guilt toward the lost object, and a need for a working through of these emotions before he could enjoy the fruits of the actual conversion. But perhaps of greater significance was George's capacity to enter into a variety of personal ideological experiences and still retain a strong core of self. Never prone to a totalism like Hu's, his stress upon his own inner life--his creative urge to experience and to know--buffered him against complete self-surrender, and helped to preserve his personal identity. George resembled Professor Castorp in his seemingly submissive tendency to give up so much of himself while really holding on to what was most vital.
? THE CONVERSIONS OF YOUTH J2J
more interested in research. . . . But his case was especially big because as faculty chairman he was accused about other aspects of university behavior. . . . He got up and accused himself of his previous dealings with the KMT, his friendship with KMT leaders. He also confessed that he had not been very enthusiastic in thought reform, and had not taken a very active part in the political classes among the professors. Then he said that when he had been chairman of the faculty committee, he had not really worked as a true chairman--that he had been only eager to write articles in order to get them published in magazines for his own international fame--and that his work was really for himself, not for his students. . . . The students kept adding criticisms, and he had to criticize himself on four occasions before he was allowed to finish. . . . Practically speaking, almost all of the professors "bowed their heads" in front of the Party. They were approved sooner or later. Some were very tough and stubborn at first, but then to everybody's surprise, they would turn about face and admit that they had been wrong.
George felt that some of these criticisms and self-criticisms were overdone, but thought most of them "reasonable"; for by now he was once more joining with group enthusiasms, and was in general accord with student actions.
During the Honesty and Frankness Movement which followed (also a part of the Thought Reform Campaign), students turned their criticisms upon themselves. They were told that in the past the government had been corrupt and the political system "irra- tional," so that people were forced to be dishonest; but now, with an enlightened and "rational" government, one could be "honest and frank" about everything. In addition to the usual details about their backgrounds, students were expected to confess such things as "intrigues and wrongs of parents," cheating during examinations,
listening to illegal radio broadcasts, and (especially for women) lies about age.
At first, George thought that any denunciation of his family would be immoral: "Prior to these meetings, I did not believe that family affiliation could be a mistake. " But group pressures soon led him to the opposite conviction, that it would be immoral not to denounce one's family: "The Organization [Party, Youth Corps, and government] kept emphasizing that attachment toward our families was selfish and wrong, since they had been against the wel- fare of the people. So I began to feel that by loving my family, I was neglecting my duty to my country," Like Hu, George felt guilty over keeping a secret: "I also thought that if each individual
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kept something secret, something only known to himself, it would certainly have a bad effect upon his work for the government-- and for the sake of the people, it was right to ask everyone to tell the truth. " And he was greatly influenced by the unanimous con- fession trend among the forty freshmen physics students in his section: "When I saw others criticizing their family happily, and I contrasted this with my own reluctance, I began to think that this must be due to my own selfishness. " By this time, his inner moral conflict had become inextricably merged with fear of external re- prisal, so that the only solution he saw was to submit.
I felt very confused and upset. . . . I knew that the matter must be settled--and that if I didn't do it well, the government would discover that I wasn't being frank enough and I would be in for trouble. I felt that if I could once and for all settle the turmoil in my mind, I would calm down and be able to feel that I had done my duty to my country.
In deciding what to confess, George was influenced by others be- fore him ("they set good examples for me") and by his realization that the purpose of the movement was to get people to confess those things they most wished to conceal:
To me the only thing I wanted to conceal was that I had come from a reactionary, bureaucratic family--so this was the thing to confess. . . . I told that my father had been a KMT official, a KMT party member, and had held important KMT positions. I said that he had been a reactionary, a man who worked for the welfare of his class which was against the welfare of the people. . . . and that my attachment for my family was selfish and wrong. . . .
He experienced the relief of one who has carried out his obliga- tions: "I had the feeling that what I did was right, because it was what the government required me to do, and that it was proper behavior. " But his family attachments could not be severed, and he could not avoid recurrent guilt:
When I would receive letters from my family, or look through my lug- gage and see reminders of home, I felt sorry about what I had done. . . . Other students told me that after they had made their confession they considered their relationship with their family ended, and that they felt great relief and did not have to worry any more. . . . I did not feel this way.
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George also experienced the full impact of one other campaign --the fabricated Chinese charges about bacteriological warfare.
At a mass meeting there were formal reports given of the proofs available --of American planes having carried leaves with insects and bacteria, pictures of these. . . . Then all of the students went to an open exhibi- tion in Peking of small glass bottles of leaves that carried the germs, as well as insects--also test tubes, and dissected pathological parts of dead people who had died from these germs--everything in great detail . . . cholera and other epidemic diseases to destroy the agriculture of China. It said that some of these germs had been dropped in North Korea, some in Manchuria, and some in other Chinese provinces. . . . Atfirst I was not so sure. . . . But later, when the confessions of American pilots were published *--photographs and attached signatures--and there was confirmation of the fact by several famous scientists from various countries, including a Fellow of the Royal Society, I believed it to be true.
Although convinced by this campaign, George found himself once more deficient in hatred, this time because he was unable to evoke the necessary stereotype of the evil American; and once more he considered this to be a moral shortcoming on his part.
1 felt resentful against the Americans, and believed that it was very in- human for a civilized country to commit such an evil deed. . . . But when many students in my class became very angry and made heated accusations against the American imperialists . . . I found that I could not feel as angry as they did. . . . Perhaps it was because I could never experience a bloodthirsty image of an American. I had a bloodthirsty image of a Japanese soldier in my mind. . . . of a cold, able, but in- human German. But 1 saw an American--though no longer easygoing, kindhearted and generous--still cheerful, openminded, and innocent. . , . I admitted that germ warfare was a fact, and I tried very hard to model a picture of the fierce American , . . but my impression of the innocent American never quite diminished. . . . B u t then I w a s ashamed of myself for not being emotional enough.
Beyond these personal limitations, however, George was impressed with the effectiveness of the germ warfare agitation, not only in stirring up anti-American feeling and in rallying the Chinese people in a greater effort in the Korean war, but also in serving as a stimulus for a nationwide hygiene campaign, a campaign in which the students participated by laboring on improvement of their university sewage and drainage systems.
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During George's sophomore year, there were no major move- ments; but he experienced similar emotions in relationship to a continuing program of less dramatic thought reform measures. He did maintain a certain amount of emotional distance between him- self and the Communists: "I never deified the Party. . . . I be- lieved in it, but I never could make myself love it. " And especially during those rare moments when he was alone, he wondered whether Communism went too far in curbing personal freedom, or whether it was not being "unscientific" in its exaggeration and its claims of infallibility. But these doubts did not last: "I could not dare to believe that they were wrong and I was right. " By the end of his second year at the university--and at the end of four years of Communist student life and reform--the Party had gained his trust and his allegiance: "I was completely confident in their theories. I trusted their program. . . . They seemed invincible. Emotionally speaking, I relied on them. " Other students classified him as a "scholastic inactivist"--an outstanding student sufficiently progressive in his views but somewhat "lagging behind" in his enthusiasm and a bit "sentimental" about his family.
When he was summoned to Hong Kong during his vacation be- cause of the death of his grandfather--his first family visit in two years--he thought the trip would be nothing more than an inter- lude before returning to an exciting future in Communist China, and he planned to be back in Peking at the University well before the next semester began. Indeed, he applied a "reformed" judg- ment to all that he saw in Hong Kong:
I was hostile to the old society, and I looked upon the people in it with the eyes of an o\vl. I found myself unaccustomed to the capitalist way of life, and could not bear the vanity, waste, and extravagance of life here. . . . I resented differences and discrimination between rich and poor . . . well-to-do people enslaving their servants. . . . I thought that I could openly and disinterestedly scorn and hate them, for I was so much superior to them.
Yet within a few weeks he had reversed himself completely, this time not only in his point of view, but in his life plans. He decided to give up his university education on the mainland and remain in Hong Kong: again the influence of family members initiated a change of heart. He found his mother in an unhappy and "pitiable"
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state; he felt "overwhelmed by affection'7 for her and unwilling to contemplate the pain he would cause her if he returned to the mainland. He also experienced feelings of guilt and responsibility toward a younger brother whom he had sometimes bullied during childhood (one is responsible for one's younger brother in Chinese culture); and since this brother planned to study in Taiwan, George feared that if he returned to Peking he might never see him again. George described these family influences as "not rational, but rather emotional. "
Moreover, his older brother, to whom he had often looked for guidance in the past, was able to bring to bear upon him intellectual pressures as well. As an editor of an anti-Communist press service in Hong Kong, he made available to George a large number of books dealing with Western political theory, and presenting critical views of Russian Communism; these included a political biography of Lenin and a study of forced labor in the Soviet Union. George spent all of his waking hours reading; he was impressed by the works of Bertrand Russell, Arthur Lovejoy, and C. E. M. Joad, and was strongly affected by George Orwell's 1984: "I could compare this with my own experience on the mainland, and see that this was the logical eventual result of life under Communism/'
He developed a critical attitude toward Soviet Russia, and then a sense of mistrust for Chinese Communism, together with a more sympathetic view of the Western democratic tradition.
While on the mainland, I had considered democracy as an age-old idea, outmoded--the capitalist world a corrupt and decadent one which must be historically eliminated within a short period. . . . But now I began to feel that things in the capitalist system were not as hopeless as the Communists said . . . that some form of socialism might be a desirable goal . . . but that in any case, we should not follow the road set by Communism--a road of revolution, violence, and killing. . . . I re- evaluated my ideas about humanity, and the importance of liberalism. I also felt that the humanism derived from the tradition of the Italian Renaissance, and its skeptical spirit were much in contrast to the Com- munists and their fatalism. Their ideas about dialectical materialism seemed quite opposed to the scientific method and spirit.
Similarly, he began to feel that the uncertain future of life in Hong Kong--with the possible hope of some day studying in Amer- ica--was more desirable than completing his university education
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and accepting a job assignment in Communist China. Having tasted a certain amount of this kind of exploration in ideas, he concluded that this was what he wanted, and had in fact always wanted:
The whole atmosphere on the mainland did not encourage clear think- ing. But when I came out, I was able to read books, and permitted to think about things to a logical conclusion. I began to feel that I had no future in a society without this freedom. . . . I concluded that I had always been latently hostile to the Communists and now my hostility could come out.
As might be expected, George went through a period of painful doubt and indecision, "a conflict of the two understandings. " He also feared that the Communists might take over Hong Kong and force him to "face the consequences of my desertion. " And even after making a formal promise to his parents that he would re- main, he was unable to quiet the turmoil which emanated from his unconscious mind as a series of dreams:
In those ten days right after I had decided to remain here, I often--six or seven times---dreamed of getting back to the mainland. In the dreams, I was living with my classmates and talking with them as things used to be. In one dream I was at that very moment at the boundary of Hong Kong and China. I hoped to get back and something was preventing me from doing so. Suddenly I discovered that I had no document of admit- tance and I was in despair. Then I awoke. . . . In another dream, I was back on the mainland, talking to several schoolmates, close friends, as we always did. Suddenly a thought came to me: what a narrow escape I had had in Hong Kong. I almost did not go back, and I was relieved to realize that I wasback on the mainland. . . .
Each time, before going to sleep, and on waking up in the morning, my decision to remain was definite. I was sure that I was here and that I wasn't going back. But in the dreams I lacked this understanding . . . and my thoughts were just like those that I had when I was really on the mainland.
In associating to these dreams, George spoke of happy moments on the mainland--friendly talks with fellow students, visits to record stalls to listen to classical music. He also revealed the resent- ment which he felt toward his parents for their role in influencing his decision.
When I awoke after one of these dreams, I actually resented my family a little. Going back to the mainland still at that moment seemed very desirable. . . . Then I thought of the promise I made to them that I
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would stay. I made it first to my mother. . . . But with my father also --he is a very stubborn man--and once you promise him something, if you break it you have a very hard time. . . . I felt then that the family would not let me break the promise--which was made originally because of their request. . . . I felt it was giving me some kind of restriction, holding me back, causing me to lose my opportunity to study. . . . I usually felt the resentment toward my father.
George even admitted that he had been happier on the main- land than he was in Hong Kong "because of my friends there and the absence of financial worry. "
But before long, George settled into Hong Kong life, busying himself with studies at a local college, with editing and writing for an anti-Communist press organization, and with work on a novel about his life in Communist China. Although he was con- vinced that he had made the correct decision, he was still disturbed by letters from friends on the mainland which criticized his action and referred to the exciting future for young men in Communist China. He was especially troubled by letters from one former class- mate with whom George had previously shared doubts about some Communist actions; this boy now wrote to him in a vein not un- critical of Communism, yet he still found fault with George for staying in Hong Kong.
One year later, during the course of our interviews, George un- derwent still another period of painful indecision, and another sudden reversal of his plans. Having received little encouragement from American universities in response to his inquiries about scholarships, he decided to take advantage of an opportunity to study medicine in Taiwan, and achieved very high grades on an entrance examination he took in Hong Kong. But after booking his boat ticket, he spent two or three sleepless nights before the scheduled departure, tortured by fear and doubt. He felt com- pletely unable to undertake the trip. A family conference was called, and it was decided that since he was so fearful, he should cancel his plans. It was mainly the Communists whom he feared.
The more I thought about going, the more fear I felt. . . . Therewas the fear of leaving my parents, but I realized that it wasn't this alone that led to my decision. I also feared the political situation on Taiwan . . . that it might be dangerous for someone who had been so long on the mainland to go there. . . . And I feared that the Communists may
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stop the ship and kidnap passengers as they did once on a ferry between Hong Kong and Macao. I feared that the Communists may come and take the island. . . , I knew that my father's contacts could help if I were in trouble with the KMT--but with the Communists nothing could help. . . . If they should come I had the feeling that I would lose all of my freedom and safety and might never see my family again. . . . This fear of the Communists was by far the most important factor in my decision.
Once he and his family had decided he would not go, his sense of relief was immediate. He then weathered a certain amount of criticism from his father, who accused him of being "indecisive," continued with his life in Hong Kong, and renewed his efforts to arrange study in America. In discussing this incident with me, he emphasized that he had never experienced this kind of fear of the Communists during the years that he actually lived under them.
Toward the end of our meetings, George talked freely of the development of his personal philosophy and his quest for the mean- ing of life. He described his earliest convictions--derived from his own childhood experiences, and from reading the tragic love poetry from the T'ang and Sung dynasties--of the "futility of life"; its replacement by a religious belief that "the meaning of life could be the glorification of God"; and after having been disillusioned with this, finding very compelling the Communist claim that "the purpose of life is to serve the people. " After his break with Com- munism, he remained concerned with this problem, but came to look upon it in terms of man's relationship to his individual existence:
In all these previous concepts I thought that the purpose of life was something definite that you could grasp. Now I know that this is not so. I am inclined to believe that the purpose of life has to do with what degree you have carried out your aims and ideals . . . your responsibili- ties to your own thoughts and feelings.
He illustrated his personal change through his altered idea of the hero:
If I had daydreams now, they would still be different from that of my childhood. Then it was a person of great heroic grandeur; now I think of perfection of ability and of moral sentiments . . . unselfishness, dis- interestedness, honesty to others and to oneself.
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George retained his emphasis upon the inner man, contrasting this with the Communist ethos as he saw it:
In their opinion there is nothing beyond the material. They have no recognition of spirit. They think there is no need for artistic search and for beauty. I cannot agree with this. . . . I believe that human beings need all kinds of satisfaction, of material feelings and of spirit. When you eat something you are satisfied. But when it is over and you think of the act of eating, there is no more satisfaction. But if you have emo- tional satisfaction or emotional sympathy for something, then even on reflection you still feel that satisfaction or sympathy. All of the satis- faction that can be retained by reflection in retrospect belongs to your inner feelings, and these are most valuable.
George was critical of Communist attitudes toward family rela- tionships, especially that between mother and son:
They said that even the relationship of a mother and son is a relation- ship of economic interest . . . that when a mother was very fond of her son who was rich, after he was broke, she would treat him badly. . . . My own experience didn't lead me to think of such economic factors between mother and son. , . . I had doubts about their theory, but I could not then fully disagree with them. . . . Now I realize that they have a complete ignorance of the power of moral standards and of human emotion. . . . They have no recognition of personal feelings.
During the course of his stay in Hong Kong, George gradually reintegrated himself into the pattern of his family, somewhat in the fashion of a traditional Chinese son. He and his father became more moderate in their behavior toward each other, and George be- gan to feel "a little apologetic" over past disrespectful behavior. He adopted a policy of "outwardly agreeing with everything father says/' avoiding conflict wherever possible, and--despite his con- tinued reservations--making every effort to accept his father as the "moral authority" in the family. George extended his concern for personal morality to the behavior of others: he criticized a female cousin for what he considered to be indiscriminate behavior with men, and even called his older brother to task for spending a great deal of time with a girl friend at the expense of scholarly pursuits. He remained equally strict with himself in his disciplined life of writing and study, although he too began to demonstrate an in- creasing, if shy and hesitant, interest in girls.
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When I saw him during my follow-up visit three years later, he had become a confident youth in his mid-twenties, and had im- proved his English enough for us to dispense with an interpreter. He no longer wished to discuss in any detail his mainland ex- periences, and preferred to look ahead to his study in America, hav- ing almost completed visa and scholarship arrangements. His family had already moved to the United States. But once more there had been a change in his plans: no longer a student of science, he was perhaps following his more natural bent in pursuing a program in literature and dramatics.
Compared with Chao's and Hu's, George Chen's thought reform had initially been more successful; but his family identifications, more consistently binding than theirs, played a large part in un- doing these reform influences. Neither a perpetual rebel nor a frustrated careerist, George Chen was an impressionable youngster torn between youth group and family loyalties, the first of which offered a path to Chinese Communism, and the second the possi- bility of a liberal alternative.
In his sequence of identity patterns, George covered less emo- tional distance than either Chao or Hu. Coming from an urban, somewhat Westernized background, and having spent part of his childhood in the British colony of Hong Kong, he had experienced a good deal less of traditional Chinese life. Like the others he was brought up to be a filial son, obedient to his elders, loyal to his family. But as a member of a younger, more "modern" generation, he had fewer Confucian influences to contend with, and had from the beginning been exposed to a compromise Chinese-Western family atmosphere. This, along with his family's opportunity to keep together, gave him a greater sense of cultural continuity than either Chao or Hu: less "Chinese" to begin with, he had less need to break with his Chinese past. Offered love and support from his family, his filialism, compared to Hu's, was neither a pseudo iden- tity nor an archaic one.
Yet George too felt the chaos of his society and the effects of strained family relationships. As a weak, dislocated, and dependent child, he was aware early of his refugee status; he needed more nurturing than was available, and developed a psychological escape into illness. His infantile depression at the time of the departure
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of his first amah was the prototype of a later tendency toward de- pression and despair. 2 As a melancholy isolate, he developed an un- dercurrent of introspective brooding and a keen sense for the sad- ness of life. Far from incapacitating him, however, these qualities contributed to a rich inner life to which he later clung tenaciously. And they also became associated with a personal pattern of death and rebirth--a tendency to hit rock bottom in despairing inde- cision and doubt, and then to emerge strengthened by his own inwardness.
Like Hu, George longed for the return of an absent father; and he too built up personal myths in which he was hero and redeemer. But in contrast to Hu, these myths did not involve vengeance and retaliation toward hated family members; rather, they con- tained the filial wish to deliver both the family and himself from positions of shame and weakness. And he found his means of per- sonal deliverance, not through heroic action, but by continuing to turn inward, by developing---as a creative seeker--the artist's urge for self-expression as well as the scientist's urge to know. Such crea- tive urges, whatever their origins and whatever suffering may accom- pany them, contribute to a sense of identity which transcends one's immediate environment, even one's culture. Both the artist and the scientist in George were involved in his search for the meaning of life. However immature and unstable this quest may have been, it was at least his own, and it required him to weigh every experience against standards that were both personal and universal.
In his early teens, George became both a romantic and a moralist. These two sides of him were symbolized in his description of his two grandmothers--one a spontaneous and affectionate lover of nature, the other a stern (and personally wronged) representative of God's most severe judgments. We cannot, of course, claim that these ladies were entirely responsible for shaping the two identities. But grandparents have a strong influence within a Chinese family, even when they preach a Western Christian message; and there is no doubt that they played an important part in bringing out these two potential aspects of George's character. The romantic in him thrived upon sensation, craving an idealized world of beautiful words, sights and feelings. The moralist in him condemned these very yearnings, both in himself and in others; it was guilt-ridden, judging, ever on guard against temptation. For it was compounded
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of a sensitive child's susceptibilities to shame and guilt (including the probable childhood fantasy that he was in some way responsible for such catastrophes as his amah's departure and the family's dis- location); of Christian notions of sin and evil, and of Confucian- derived standards of personal propriety. The moralist in him con- demned his father, on the basis of both the latter's real short comings and George's intolerance for a rival for his cherished mother. And the moralist in him also kept a steady and critical eye on the activities of all other family members as well.
On the subjects of sex and religion, the romantic and the moralist joined forces. Feeling guilty and ashamed about his sensual urges, George found sanction (incomplete, but meaningful all the same) in D. H. Lawrence's hymn of praise to the sensual, in a novel which has been described as expressing "Lawrence's romantic religious, antinomian, ecstatic faith that sex is holy. " 3 George's early attrac- tion to Christianity reflects both the moralist's need for responsible doctrine and relief of guilt, and the romantic's quest for eternal beauty and eternal meaning.
It is as the romantic moralist, then, that George judged both the declining Nationalist regime and the oncoming Communists. He condemned the immorality of the former although retaining his family-based emotional loyalty for it. But very quickly after the onset of Communist thought reform, he experienced a romantic conversion against a dimly-lit background, with lonely and mystical overtones. Also involved was the romantic's need to submit to the natural elements, since George felt strongly Communism's claim to be the wave of the future.
In comparing George's approach to Communism with Hu's, George was more the visionary and less the political activist, more the inner man (or boy) and less the power seeker. But George shared with Hu the extremely important urge, so characteristic of youth everywhere during our era, to find group acceptance and an emotional home among his peers. Both used this acceptance to free themselves from family controls and enter into manhood. George too had his political mentor, the rational and giving instructor, who contrasted sharply with the irrational and self-centered (or absent) father of George's childhood. Like Hu (and like Dr. Vin- cent) George was an isolate who craved intimacy with other people; unlike either of them, he had known enough love in his life to have
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become quite capable of achieving this intimacy.
As the modern student, George felt a strong urge to remain in
step with his fellow students and his country. George did not, like Hu, seek in Communism an outlet for personal hostilities; he felt, in fact, the need to repress these hostilities, both toward his family and the Communists themselves. This nonhostile compliance may be regarded as an inability to tolerate conscious resentment, but it is also related to a pattern of receptivity frequently present in creative people: a tendency to open oneself completely to new influences as a way of knowing them. It is also the romantic's eternal quest for an atmosphere of love.
These tendencies are part of the reason George was such a peren- nial backslider, why he underwent so many conversions and counter- conversions. There were no less than six of these in relation to Com- munism, both for and against, and still another in his earlier re- sponse to Christianity. Any explanation must be, as usual, overdeter- mined, and must be based on both George's personal character and on the historical and cultural circumstances. The most obvious factor, but a very important one, was that his family had re-estab- lished itself in Hong Kong, the scene of so much of his childhood, and had once more assumed a collective refugee identity. These cir- cumstances not only created a reason for George to travel back and forth, but gave him an emotional sense of living in two separate homes, of having two distinct centers--or, to put it another way, of commuting between the two identities of the filial son and the modern student. Moreover, at the time of these journeys, George was an adolescent, going through the stage of life during which conversions are most natural, identity experiments most necessary, and Utopian visions most appealing. More than this, he was a Chinese adolescent, who although modern and Western in his direction, was still emotionally tied to traditional Chinese notions of propriety and harmony. Both in denouncing his parents to ful- fil] Communist requirements, and in giving up a career in Com- munist China in response to family loyalties, he felt he was doing the proper thing under the circumstances, adapting himself to the demands of a group which had just claims upon his allegiance.
Then, too, the nature of the Communist demands was such that they always carried with them the potential for rebound. Even among the most rebellious of Chinese youth, filial identifications
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were likely to reappear. One public denunciation cannot wipe out four thousand years of filial ethos. The potential for backsliding would always be there, especially if the environment supports it, and most especially in the company of parents.
In view of all this, one could hardly expect any Chinese youngster to steer a perfectly straight identity course. But two features of George's personal character--his unusually strong dependency needs and his pattern of ambivalence--made him especially susceptible to vacillation. His ties to his mother (she too was indecisive), and his guilt and shame-filled sentiments toward his father and brother (for unfilial acts or thoughts) made it impossible for him to cast off family attachments. Yet his equally compelling quest for group be- longing made it almost impossible for him to live up to them. Never having felt himself to be fully nurtured in an emotional sense (and perhaps constitutionallyin need of an unusual amount of nurturing, of a very special kind), George tended to hold on to those things which had nourished him, and to waver between choices when something had to be given up.
Here again is the death-and-rebirth pattern previously men- tioned. In each of George's conversions and counterconversions there was a somewhat depressive tendency: a pattern of mourn- ing, preoccupation with and guilt toward the lost object, and a need for a working through of these emotions before he could enjoy the fruits of the actual conversion. But perhaps of greater significance was George's capacity to enter into a variety of personal ideological experiences and still retain a strong core of self. Never prone to a totalism like Hu's, his stress upon his own inner life--his creative urge to experience and to know--buffered him against complete self-surrender, and helped to preserve his personal identity. George resembled Professor Castorp in his seemingly submissive tendency to give up so much of himself while really holding on to what was most vital.
