No More Learning

Of them should the
walls be built, ranging them in good symmetry by the rules of architecture,
and placing the largest in the first ranks, then sloping downwards
ridge-wise, like the back of an ass. The middle-sized ones must be ranked
next, and last of all the least and smallest. This done, there must be a
fine little interlacing of them, like points of diamonds, as is to be seen
in the great tower of Bourges, with a like number of the nudinnudos,
nilnisistandos, and stiff bracmards, that dwell in amongst the claustral
codpieces. What devil were able to overthrow such walls? There is no metal
like it to resist blows, in so far that, if culverin-shot should come to
graze upon it, you would incontinently see distil from thence the blessed
fruit of the great pox as small as rain. Beware, in the name of the devils,
and hold off. Furthermore, no thunderbolt or lightning would fall upon it.
For why? They are all either blest or consecrated. I see but one
inconveniency in it. Ho, ho, ha, ha, ha! said Pantagruel, and what is that?
It is, that the flies would be so liquorish of them that you would wonder,
and would quickly gather there together, and there leave their ordure and
excretions, and so all the work would be spoiled. But see how that might be
remedied: they must be wiped and made rid of the flies with fair foxtails,
or great good viedazes, which are ass-pizzles, of Provence. And to this
purpose I will tell you, as we go to supper, a brave example set down by
Frater Lubinus, Libro de compotationibus mendicantium.

In the time that the beasts did speak, which is not yet three days since, a
poor lion, walking through the forest of Bieure, and saying his own little
private devotions, passed under a tree where there was a roguish collier
gotten up to cut down wood, who, seeing the lion, cast his hatchet at him
and wounded him enormously in one of his legs; whereupon the lion halting,
he so long toiled and turmoiled himself in roaming up and down the forest
to find help, that at last he met with a carpenter, who willingly looked
upon his wound, cleansed it as well as he could, and filled it with moss,
telling him that he must wipe his wound well that the flies might not do
their excrements in it, whilst he should go search for some yarrow or
millefoil, commonly called the carpenter's herb. The lion, being thus
healed, walked along in the forest at what time a sempiternous crone and
old hag was picking up and gathering some sticks in the said forest, who,
seeing the lion coming towards her, for fear fell down backwards, in such
sort that the wind blew up her gown, coats, and smock, even as far as above
her shoulders; which the lion perceiving, for pity ran to see whether she
had taken any hurt by the fall, and thereupon considering her how do you
call it, said, O poor woman, who hath thus wounded thee? Which words when
he had spoken, he espied a fox, whom he called to come to him saying,
Gossip Reynard, hau, hither, hither, and for cause! When the fox was come,
he said unto him, My gossip and friend, they have hurt this good woman here
between the legs most villainously, and there is a manifest solution of
continuity. See how great a wound it is, even from the tail up to the
navel, in measure four, nay full five handfuls and a half. This is the
blow of a hatchet, I doubt me; it is an old wound, and therefore, that the
flies may not get into it, wipe it lustily well and hard, I prithee, both
within and without; thou hast a good tail, and long. Wipe, my friend,
wipe, I beseech thee, and in the meanwhile I will go get some moss to put
into it; for thus ought we to succour and help one another. Wipe it hard,
thus, my friend; wipe it well, for this wound must be often wiped,
otherwise the party cannot be at ease. Go to, wipe well, my little gossip,
wipe; God hath furnished thee with a tail; thou hast a long one, and of a
bigness proportionable; wipe hard, and be not weary. A good wiper, who, in
wiping continually, wipeth with his wipard, by wasps shall never be
wounded. Wipe, my pretty minion; wipe, my little bully; I will not stay
long. Then went he to get store of moss; and when he was a little way off,
he cried out in speaking to the fox thus, Wipe well still, gossip, wipe,
and let it never grieve thee to wipe well, my little gossip; I will put
thee into service to be wiper to Don Pedro de Castile; wipe, only wipe, and
no more. The poor fox wiped as hard as he could, here and there, within
and without; but the false old trot did so fizzle and fist that she stunk
like a hundred devils, which put the poor fox to a great deal of ill ease,
for he knew not to what side to turn himself to escape the unsavoury
perfume of this old woman's postern blasts. And whilst to that effect he
was shifting hither and thither, without knowing how to shun the annoyance
of those unwholesome gusts, he saw that behind there was yet another hole,
not so great as that which he did wipe, out of which came this filthy and
infectious air. The lion at last returned, bringing with him of moss more
than eighteen packs would hold, and began to put into the wound with a
staff which he had provided for that purpose, and had already put in full
sixteen packs and a half, at which he was amazed. What a devil! said he,
this wound is very deep; it would hold above two cartloads of moss. The
fox, perceiving this, said unto the lion, O gossip lion, my friend, I pray
thee do not put in all thy moss there; keep somewhat, for there is yet here
another little hole, that stinks like five hundred devils; I am almost
choked with the smell thereof, it is so pestiferous and empoisoning.

Thus must these walls be kept from the flies, and wages allowed to some for
wiping of them. Then said Pantagruel, How dost thou know that the privy
parts of women are at such a cheap rate? For in this city there are many
virtuous, honest, and chaste women besides the maids. Et ubi prenus? said
Panurge. I will give you my opinion of it, and that upon certain and
assured knowledge. I do not brag that I have bumbasted four hundred and
seventeen since I came into this city, though it be but nine days ago; but
this very morning I met with a good fellow, who, in a wallet such as
Aesop's was, carried two little girls of two or three years old at the
most, one before and the other behind. He demanded alms of me, but I made
him answer that I had more cods than pence. Afterwards I asked him, Good
man, these two girls, are they maids? Brother, said he, I have carried
them thus these two years, and in regard of her that is before, whom I see
continually, in my opinion she is a virgin, nevertheless I will not put my
finger in the fire for it; as for her that is behind, doubtless I can say
nothing.

Indeed, said Pantagruel, thou art a gentle companion; I will have thee to
be apparelled in my livery. And therefore caused him to be clothed most
gallantly according to the fashion that then was, only that Panurge would
have the codpiece of his breeches three foot long, and in shape square, not
round; which was done, and was well worth the seeing. Oftentimes was he
wont to say, that the world had not yet known the emolument and utility
that is in wearing great codpieces; but time would one day teach it them,
as all things have been invented in time. God keep from hurt, said he, the
good fellow whose long codpiece or braguet hath saved his life! God keep
from hurt him whose long braguet hath been worth to him in one day one
hundred threescore thousand and nine crowns! God keep from hurt him who by
his long braguet hath saved a whole city from dying by famine! And, by G-,
I will make a book of the commodity of long braguets when I shall have more
leisure. And indeed he composed a fair great book with figures, but it is
not printed as yet that I know of.



Chapter 2. XVI.

Of the qualities and conditions of Panurge.

Panurge was of a middle stature, not too high nor too low, and had somewhat
an aquiline nose, made like the handle of a razor. He was at that time
five and thirty years old or thereabouts, fine to gild like a leaden
dagger--for he was a notable cheater and coney-catcher--he was a very
gallant and proper man of his person, only that he was a little lecherous,
and naturally subject to a kind of disease which at that time they called
lack of money--it is an incomparable grief, yet, notwithstanding, he had
three score and three tricks to come by it at his need, of which the most
honourable and most ordinary was in manner of thieving, secret purloining
and filching, for he was a wicked lewd rogue, a cozener, drinker, roister,
rover, and a very dissolute and debauched fellow, if there were any in
Paris; otherwise, and in all matters else, the best and most virtuous man
in the world; and he was still contriving some plot, and devising mischief
against the sergeants and the watch.

At one time he assembled three or four especial good hacksters and roaring
boys, made them in the evening drink like Templars, afterwards led them
till they came under St. Genevieve, or about the college of Navarre, and,
at the hour that the watch was coming up that way--which he knew by putting
his sword upon the pavement, and his ear by it, and, when he heard his
sword shake, it was an infallible sign that the watch was near at that
instant--then he and his companions took a tumbrel or dung-cart, and gave
it the brangle, hurling it with all their force down the hill, and so
overthrew all the poor watchmen like pigs, and then ran away upon the other
side; for in less than two days he knew all the streets, lanes, and
turnings in Paris as well as his Deus det.

At another time he made in some fair place, where the said watch was to
pass, a train of gunpowder, and, at the very instant that they went along,
set fire to it, and then made himself sport to see what good grace they had
in running away, thinking that St. Anthony's fire had caught them by the
legs. As for the poor masters of arts, he did persecute them above all
others. When he encountered with any of them upon the street, he would not
never fail to put some trick or other upon them, sometimes putting the bit
of a fried turd in their graduate hoods, at other times pinning on little
foxtails or hares'-ears behind them, or some such other roguish prank. One
day that they were appointed all to meet in the Fodder Street (Sorbonne),
he made a Borbonesa tart, or filthy and slovenly compound, made of store of
garlic, of assafoetida, of castoreum, of dogs' turds very warm, which he
steeped, tempered, and liquefied in the corrupt matter of pocky boils and
pestiferous botches; and, very early in the morning therewith anointed all
the pavement, in such sort that the devil could not have endured it, which
made all these good people there to lay up their gorges, and vomit what was
upon their stomachs before all the world, as if they had flayed the fox;
and ten or twelve of them died of the plague, fourteen became lepers,
eighteen grew lousy, and about seven and twenty had the pox, but he did not
care a button for it. He commonly carried a whip under his gown, wherewith
he whipped without remission the pages whom he found carrying wine to their
masters, to make them mend their pace. In his coat he had above six and
twenty little fobs and pockets always full; one with some lead-water, and a
little knife as sharp as a glover's needle, wherewith he used to cut
purses; another with some kind of bitter stuff, which he threw into the
eyes of those he met; another with clotburrs, penned with little geese' or
capon's feathers, which he cast upon the gowns and caps of honest people,
and often made them fair horns, which they wore about all the city,
sometimes all their life. Very often, also, upon the women's French hoods
would he stick in the hind part somewhat made in the shape of a man's
member. In another, he had a great many little horns full of fleas and
lice, which he borrowed from the beggars of St. Innocent, and cast them
with small canes or quills to write with into the necks of the daintiest
gentlewomen that he could find, yea, even in the church, for he never
seated himself above in the choir, but always sat in the body of the church
amongst the women, both at mass, at vespers, and at sermon. In another, he
used to have good store of hooks and buckles, wherewith he would couple men
and women together that sat in company close to one another, but especially
those that wore gowns of crimson taffeties, that, when they were about to
go away, they might rend all their gowns. In another, he had a squib
furnished with tinder, matches, stones to strike fire, and all other
tackling necessary for it. In another, two or three burning glasses,
wherewith he made both men and women sometimes mad, and in the church put
them quite out of countenance; for he said that there was but an
antistrophe, or little more difference than of a literal inversion, between
a woman folle a la messe and molle a la fesse, that is, foolish at the mass
and of a pliant buttock.

In another, he had a good deal of needles and thread, wherewith he did a
thousand little devilish pranks. One time, at the entry of the palace unto
the great hall, where a certain grey friar or cordelier was to say mass to
the counsellors, he did help to apparel him and put on his vestments, but
in the accoutring of him he sewed on his alb, surplice, or stole, to his
gown and shirt, and then withdrew himself when the said lords of the court
or counsellors came to hear the said mass; but when it came to the Ite,
missa est, that the poor frater would have laid by his stole or surplice,
as the fashion then was, he plucked off withal both his frock and shirt,
which were well sewed together, and thereby stripping himself up to the
very shoulders showed his bel vedere to all the world, together with his
Don Cypriano, which was no small one, as you may imagine. And the friar
still kept haling, but so much the more did he discover himself and lay
open his back parts, till one of the lords of the court said, How now!
what's the matter? Will this fair father make us here an offering of his
tail to kiss it? Nay, St. Anthony's fire kiss it for us! From thenceforth
it was ordained that the poor fathers should never disrobe themselves any
more before the world, but in their vestry-room, or sextry, as they call
it; especially in the presence of women, lest it should tempt them to the
sin of longing and disordinate desire. The people then asked why it was
the friars had so long and large genitories? The said Panurge resolved the
problem very neatly, saying, That which makes asses to have such great ears
is that their dams did put no biggins on their heads, as Alliaco mentioneth
in his Suppositions. By the like reason, that which makes the genitories
or generation-tools of those so fair fraters so long is, for that they wear
no bottomed breeches, and therefore their jolly member, having no
impediment, hangeth dangling at liberty as far as it can reach, with a
wiggle-waggle down to their knees, as women carry their paternoster beads.
and the cause wherefore they have it so correspondently great is, that in
this constant wig-wagging the humours of the body descend into the said
member. For, according to the Legists, agitation and continual motion is
cause of attraction.

Item, he had another pocket full of itching powder, called stone-alum,
whereof he would cast some into the backs of those women whom he judged to
be most beautiful and stately, which did so ticklishly gall them, that some
would strip themselves in the open view of the world, and others dance like
a cock upon hot embers, or a drumstick on a tabor. Others, again, ran
about the streets, and he would run after them. To such as were in the
stripping vein he would very civilly come to offer his attendance, and
cover them with his cloak, like a courteous and very gracious man.

Item, in another he had a little leather bottle full of old oil, wherewith,
when he saw any man or woman in a rich new handsome suit, he would grease,
smutch, and spoil all the best parts of it under colour and pretence of
touching them, saying, This is good cloth; this is good satin; good
taffeties! Madam, God give you all that your noble heart desireth! You
have a new suit, pretty sir;--and you a new gown, sweet mistress;--God give
you joy of it, and maintain you in all prosperity! And with this would lay
his hand upon their shoulder, at which touch such a villainous spot was
left behind, so enormously engraven to perpetuity in the very soul, body,
and reputation, that the devil himself could never have taken it away.
Then, upon his departing, he would say, Madam, take heed you do not fall,
for there is a filthy great hole before you, whereinto if you put your
foot, you will quite spoil yourself.

Another he had all full of euphorbium, very finely pulverized. In that
powder did he lay a fair handkerchief curiously wrought, which he had
stolen from a pretty seamstress of the palace, in taking away a louse from
off her bosom which he had put there himself, and, when he came into the
company of some good ladies, he would trifle them into a discourse of some
fine workmanship of bone-lace, then immediately put his hand into their
bosom, asking them, And this work, is it of Flanders, or of Hainault? and
then drew out his handkerchief, and said, Hold, hold, look what work here
is, it is of Foutignan or of Fontarabia, and shaking it hard at their nose,
made them sneeze for four hours without ceasing. In the meanwhile he would
fart like a horse, and the women would laugh and say, How now, do you fart,
Panurge? No, no, madam, said he, I do but tune my tail to the plain song
of the music which you make with your nose. In another he had a picklock,
a pelican, a crampiron, a crook, and some other iron tools, wherewith there
was no door nor coffer which he would not pick open. He had another full
of little cups, wherewith he played very artificially, for he had his
fingers made to his hand, like those of Minerva or Arachne, and had
heretofore cried treacle. And when he changed a teston, cardecu, or any
other piece of money, the changer had been more subtle than a fox if
Panurge had not at every time made five or six sols (that is, some six or
seven pence,) vanish away invisibly, openly, and manifestly, without making
any hurt or lesion, whereof the changer should have felt nothing but the
wind.



Chapter 2. XVII.

How Panurge gained the pardons, and married the old women, and of the suit
in law which he had at Paris.

One day I found Panurge very much out of countenance, melancholic, and
silent; which made me suspect that he had no money; whereupon I said unto
him, Panurge, you are sick, as I do very well perceive by your physiognomy,
and I know the disease. You have a flux in your purse; but take no care.
I have yet sevenpence halfpenny that never saw father nor mother, which
shall not be wanting, no more than the pox, in your necessity. Whereunto
he answered me, Well, well; for money one day I shall have but too much,
for I have a philosopher's stone which attracts money out of men's purses
as the adamant doth iron. But will you go with me to gain the pardons?
said he. By my faith, said I, I am no great pardon-taker in this world--if
I shall be any such in the other, I cannot tell; yet let us go, in God's
name; it is but one farthing more or less; But, said he, lend me then a
farthing upon interest. No, no, said I; I will give it you freely, and
from my heart. Grates vobis dominos, said he.

So we went along, beginning at St. Gervase, and I got the pardons at the
first box only, for in those matters very little contenteth me. Then did I
say my small suffrages and the prayers of St. Brigid; but he gained them
all at the boxes, and always gave money to everyone of the pardoners. From
thence we went to Our Lady's Church, to St. John's, to St. Anthony's, and
so to the other churches, where there was a banquet (bank) of pardons. For
my part, I gained no more of them, but he at all the boxes kissed the
relics, and gave at everyone. To be brief, when we were returned, he
brought me to drink at the castle-tavern, and there showed me ten or twelve
of his little bags full of money, at which I blessed myself, and made the
sign of the cross, saying, Where have you recovered so much money in so
little time? Unto which he answered me that he had taken it out of the
basins of the pardons. For in giving them the first farthing, said he, I
put it in with such sleight of hand and so dexterously that it appeared to
be a threepence; thus with one hand I took threepence, ninepence, or
sixpence at the least, and with the other as much, and so through all the
churches where we have been. Yea but, said I, you damn yourself like a
snake, and are withal a thief and sacrilegious person. True, said he, in
your opinion, but I am not of that mind; for the pardoners do give me it,
when they say unto me in presenting the relics to kiss, Centuplum accipies,
that is, that for one penny I should take a hundred; for accipies is spoken
according to the manner of the Hebrews, who use the future tense instead of
the imperative, as you have in the law, Diliges Dominum, that is, Dilige.
Even so, when the pardon-bearer says to me, Centuplum accipies, his meaning
is, Centuplum accipe; and so doth Rabbi Kimy and Rabbi Aben Ezra expound
it, and all the Massorets, et ibi Bartholus. Moreover, Pope Sixtus gave me
fifteen hundred francs of yearly pension, which in English money is a
hundred and fifty pounds, upon his ecclesiastical revenues and treasure,
for having cured him of a cankerous botch, which did so torment him that he
thought to have been a cripple by it all his life. Thus I do pay myself at
my own hand, for otherwise I get nothing upon the said ecclesiastical
treasure. Ho, my friend! said he, if thou didst know what advantage I
made, and how well I feathered my nest, by the Pope's bull of the crusade,
thou wouldst wonder exceedingly. It was worth to me above six thousand
florins, in English coin six hundred pounds. And what a devil is become of
them? said I; for of that money thou hast not one halfpenny. They returned
from whence they came, said he; they did no more but change their master.

But I employed at least three thousand of them, that is, three hundred
pounds English, in marrying--not young virgins, for they find but too many
husbands--but great old sempiternous trots which had not so much as one
tooth in their heads; and that out of the consideration I had that these
good old women had very well spent the time of their youth in playing at
the close-buttock game to all comers, serving the foremost first, till no
man would have any more dealing with them. And, by G--, I will have their
skin-coat shaken once yet before they die. By this means, to one I gave a
hundred florins, to another six score, to another three hundred, according
to that they were infamous, detestable, and abominable. For, by how much
the more horrible and execrable they were, so much the more must I needs
have given them, otherwise the devil would not have jummed them. Presently
I went to some great and fat wood-porter, or such like, and did myself make
the match. But, before I did show him the old hags, I made a fair muster
to him of the crowns, saying, Good fellow, see what I will give thee if
thou wilt but condescend to duffle, dinfredaille, or lecher it one good
time. Then began the poor rogues to gape like old mules, and I caused to
be provided for them a banquet, with drink of the best, and store of
spiceries, to put the old women in rut and heat of lust. To be short, they
occupied all, like good souls; only, to those that were horribly ugly and
ill-favoured, I caused their head to be put within a bag, to hide their
face.

Besides all this, I have lost a great deal in suits of law. And what
lawsuits couldst thou have? said I; thou hast neither house nor lands. My
friend, said he, the gentlewomen of this city had found out, by the
instigation of the devil of hell, a manner of high-mounted bands and
neckerchiefs for women, which did so closely cover their bosoms that men
could no more put their hands under. For they had put the slit behind, and
those neckcloths were wholly shut before, whereat the poor sad
contemplative lovers were much discontented. Upon a fair Tuesday I
presented a petition to the court, making myself a party against the said
gentlewomen, and showing the great interest that I pretended therein,
protesting that by the same reason I would cause the codpiece of my
breeches to be sewed behind, if the court would not take order for it. In
sum, the gentlewomen put in their defences, showing the grounds they went
upon, and constituted their attorney for the prosecuting of the cause. But
I pursued them so vigorously, that by a sentence of the court it was
decreed those high neckcloths should be no longer worn if they were not a
little cleft and open before; but it cost me a good sum of money. I had
another very filthy and beastly process against the dung-farmer called
Master Fifi and his deputies, that they should no more read privily the
pipe, puncheon, nor quart of sentences, but in fair full day, and that in
the Fodder schools, in face of the Arrian (Artitian) sophisters, where I
was ordained to pay the charges, by reason of some clause mistaken in the
relation of the sergeant. Another time I framed a complaint to the court
against the mules of the presidents, counsellors, and others, tending to
this purpose, that, when in the lower court of the palace they left them to
champ on their bridles, some bibs were made for them (by the counsellors'
wives), that with their drivelling they might not spoil the pavement; to
the end that the pages of the palace what play upon it with their dice, or
at the game of coxbody, at their own ease, without spoiling their breeches
at the knees. And for this I had a fair decree, but it cost me dear. Now
reckon up what expense I was at in little banquets which from day to day I
made to the pages of the palace. And to what end? said I. My friend, said
he, thou hast no pastime at all in this world. I have more than the king,
and if thou wilt join thyself with me, we will do the devil together. No,
no, said I; by St. Adauras, that will I not, for thou wilt be hanged one
time or another. And thou, said he, wilt be interred some time or other.
Now which is most honourable, the air or the earth? Ho, grosse pecore!

Whilst the pages are at their banqueting, I keep their mules, and to
someone I cut the stirrup-leather of the mounting side till it hang but by
a thin strap or thread, that when the great puffguts of the counsellor or
some other hath taken his swing to get up, he may fall flat on his side
like a pork, and so furnish the spectators with more than a hundred francs'
worth of laughter. But I laugh yet further to think how at his home-coming
the master-page is to be whipped like green rye, which makes me not to
repent what I have bestowed in feasting them. In brief, he had, as I said
before, three score and three ways to acquire money, but he had two hundred
and fourteen to spend it, besides his drinking.



Chapter 2. XVIII.

How a great scholar of England would have argued against Pantagruel, and
was overcome by Panurge.

In that same time a certain learned man named Thaumast, hearing the fame
and renown of Pantagruel's incomparable knowledge, came out of his own
country of England with an intent only to see him, to try thereby and prove
whether his knowledge in effect was so great as it was reported to be. In
this resolution being arrived at Paris, he went forthwith unto the house of
the said Pantagruel, who was lodged in the palace of St. Denis, and was
then walking in the garden thereof with Panurge, philosophizing after the
fashion of the Peripatetics. At his first entrance he startled, and was
almost out of his wits for fear, seeing him so great and so tall. Then did
he salute him courteously as the manner is, and said unto him, Very true it
is, saith Plato the prince of philosophers, that if the image and knowledge
of wisdom were corporeal and visible to the eyes of mortals, it would stir
up all the world to admire her. Which we may the rather believe that the
very bare report thereof, scattered in the air, if it happen to be received
into the ears of men, who, for being studious and lovers of virtuous things
are called philosophers, doth not suffer them to sleep nor rest in quiet,
but so pricketh them up and sets them on fire to run unto the place where
the person is, in whom the said knowledge is said to have built her temple
and uttered her oracles. As it was manifestly shown unto us in the Queen
of Sheba, who came from the utmost borders of the East and Persian Sea, to
see the order of Solomon's house and to hear his wisdom; in Anacharsis, who
came out of Scythia, even unto Athens, to see Solon; in Pythagoras, who
travelled far to visit the memphitical vaticinators; in Plato, who went a
great way off to see the magicians of Egypt, and Architus of Tarentum; in
Apollonius Tyaneus, who went as far as unto Mount Caucasus, passed along
the Scythians, the Massagetes, the Indians, and sailed over the great river
Phison, even to the Brachmans to see Hiarchus; as likewise unto Babylon,
Chaldea, Media, Assyria, Parthia, Syria, Phoenicia, Arabia, Palestina, and
Alexandria, even unto Aethiopia, to see the Gymnosophists. The like
example have we of Titus Livius, whom to see and hear divers studious
persons came to Rome from the confines of France and Spain. I dare not
reckon myself in the number of those so excellent persons, but well would
be called studious, and a lover, not only of learning, but of learned men
also. And indeed, having heard the report of your so inestimable
knowledge, I have left my country, my friends, my kindred, and my house,
and am come thus far, valuing at nothing the length of the way, the
tediousness of the sea, nor strangeness of the land, and that only to see
you and to confer with you about some passages in philosophy, of geomancy,
and of the cabalistic art, whereof I am doubtful and cannot satisfy my
mind; which if you can resolve, I yield myself unto you for a slave
henceforward, together with all my posterity, for other gift have I none
that I can esteem a recompense sufficient for so great a favour. I will
reduce them into writing, and to-morrow publish them to all the learned men
in the city, that we may dispute publicly before them.

But see in what manner I mean that we shall dispute. I will not argue pro
et contra, as do the sottish sophisters of this town and other places.
Likewise I will not dispute after the manner of the Academics by
declamation; nor yet by numbers, as Pythagoras was wont to do, and as Picus
de la Mirandula did of late at Rome. But I will dispute by signs only
without speaking, for the matters are so abstruse, hard, and arduous, that
words proceeding from the mouth of man will never be sufficient for
unfolding of them to my liking. May it, therefore, please your
magnificence to be there; it shall be at the great hall of Navarre at seven
o'clock in the morning. When he had spoken these words, Pantagruel very
honourably said unto him: Sir, of the graces that God hath bestowed upon
me, I would not deny to communicate unto any man to my power. For whatever
comes from him is good, and his pleasure is that it should be increased
when we come amongst men worthy and fit to receive this celestial manna of
honest literature. In which number, because that in this time, as I do
already very plainly perceive, thou holdest the first rank, I give thee
notice that at all hours thou shalt find me ready to condescend to every
one of thy requests according to my poor ability; although I ought rather
to learn of thee than thou of me. But, as thou hast protested, we will
confer of these doubts together, and will seek out the resolution, even
unto the bottom of that undrainable well where Heraclitus says the truth
lies hidden. And I do highly commend the manner of arguing which thou hast
proposed, to wit, by signs without speaking; for by this means thou and I
shall understand one another well enough, and yet shall be free from this
clapping of hands which these blockish sophisters make when any of the
arguers hath gotten the better of the argument. Now to-morrow I will not
fail to meet thee at the place and hour that thou hast appointed, but let
me entreat thee that there be not any strife or uproar between us, and that
we seek not the honour and applause of men, but the truth only. To which
Thaumast answered: The Lord God maintain you in his favour and grace, and,
instead of my thankfulness to you, pour down his blessings upon you, for
that your highness and magnificent greatness hath not disdained to descend
to the grant of the request of my poor baseness. So farewell till
to-morrow! Farewell, said Pantagruel.

Gentlemen, you that read this present discourse, think not that ever men
were more elevated and transported in their thoughts than all this night
were both Thaumast and Pantagruel; for the said Thaumast said to the keeper
of the house of Cluny, where he was lodged, that in all his life he had
never known himself so dry as he was that night. I think, said he, that
Pantagruel held me by the throat. Give order, I pray you, that we may have
some drink, and see that some fresh water be brought to us, to gargle my
palate. On the other side, Pantagruel stretched his wits as high as he
could, entering into very deep and serious meditations, and did nothing all
that night but dote upon and turn over the book of Beda, De numeris et
signis; Plotin's book, De inenarrabilibus; the book of Proclus, De magia;
the book of Artemidorus peri Oneirokritikon; of Anaxagoras, peri Zemeion;
Dinarius, peri Aphaton; the books of Philiston; Hipponax, peri
Anekphoneton, and a rabble of others, so long, that Panurge said unto him:

My lord, leave all these thoughts and go to bed; for I perceive your
spirits to be so troubled by a too intensive bending of them, that you may
easily fall into some quotidian fever with this so excessive thinking and
plodding. But, having first drunk five and twenty or thirty good draughts,
retire yourself and sleep your fill, for in the morning I will argue
against and answer my master the Englishman, and if I drive him not ad
metam non loqui, then call me knave. Yea but, said he, my friend Panurge,
he is marvellously learned; how wilt thou be able to answer him?
Very
well, answered Panurge; I pray you talk no more of it, but let me alone.
Is any man so learned as the devils are? No, indeed, said Pantagruel,
without God's especial grace. Yet for all that, said Panurge, I have
argued against them, gravelled and blanked them in disputation, and laid
them so squat upon their tails that I have made them look like monkeys.
Therefore be assured that to-morrow I will make this vain-glorious
Englishman to skite vinegar before all the world. So Panurge spent the
night with tippling amongst the pages, and played away all the points of
his breeches at primus secundus and at peck point, in French called La
Vergette. Yet, when the condescended on time was come, he failed not to
conduct his master Pantagruel to the appointed place, unto which, believe
me, there was neither great nor small in Paris but came, thinking with
themselves that this devilish Pantagruel, who had overthrown and vanquished
in dispute all these doting fresh-water sophisters, would now get full
payment and be tickled to some purpose. For this Englishman is a terrible
bustler and horrible coil-keeper. We will see who will be conqueror, for
he never met with his match before.

Thus all being assembled, Thaumast stayed for them, and then, when
Pantagruel and Panurge came into the hall, all the schoolboys, professors
of arts, senior sophisters, and bachelors began to clap their hands, as
their scurvy custom is. But Pantagruel cried out with a loud voice, as if
it had been the sound of a double cannon, saying, Peace, with a devil to
you, peace! By G--, you rogues, if you trouble me here, I will cut off the
heads of everyone of you. At which words they remained all daunted and
astonished like so many ducks, and durst not do so much as cough, although
they had swallowed fifteen pounds of feathers. Withal they grew so dry
with this only voice, that they laid out their tongues a full half foot
beyond their mouths, as if Pantagruel had salted all their throats. Then
began Panurge to speak, saying to the Englishman, Sir, are you come hither
to dispute contentiously in those propositions you have set down, or,
otherwise, but to learn and know the truth? To which answered Thaumast,
Sir, no other thing brought me hither but the great desire I had to learn
and to know that of which I have doubted all my life long, and have neither
found book nor man able to content me in the resolution of those doubts
which I have proposed. And, as for disputing contentiously, I will not do
it, for it is too base a thing, and therefore leave it to those sottish
sophisters who in their disputes do not search for the truth, but for
contradiction only and debate. Then said Panurge, If I, who am but a mean
and inconsiderable disciple of my master my lord Pantagruel, content and
satisfy you in all and everything, it were a thing below my said master
wherewith to trouble him. Therefore is it fitter that he be chairman, and
sit as a judge and moderator of our discourse and purpose, and give you
satisfaction in many things wherein perhaps I shall be wanting to your
expectation. Truly, said Thaumast, it is very well said; begin then. Now
you must note that Panurge had set at the end of his long codpiece a pretty
tuft of red silk, as also of white, green, and blue, and within it had put
a fair orange.



Chapter 2. XIX.

How Panurge put to a nonplus the Englishman that argued by signs.

Everybody then taking heed, and hearkening with great silence, the
Englishman lift up on high into the air his two hands severally, clunching
in all the tops of his fingers together, after the manner which, a la
Chinonnese, they call the hen's arse, and struck the one hand on the other
by the nails four several times. Then he, opening them, struck the one
with the flat of the other till it yielded a clashing noise, and that only
once. Again, in joining them as before, he struck twice, and afterwards
four times in opening them. Then did he lay them joined, and extended the
one towards the other, as if he had been devoutly to send up his prayers
unto God. Panurge suddenly lifted up in the air his right hand, and put
the thumb thereof into the nostril of the same side, holding his four
fingers straight out, and closed orderly in a parallel line to the point of
his nose, shutting the left eye wholly, and making the other wink with a
profound depression of the eyebrows and eyelids. Then lifted he up his
left hand, with hard wringing and stretching forth his four fingers and
elevating his thumb, which he held in a line directly correspondent to the
situation of his right hand, with the distance of a cubit and a half
between them. This done, in the same form he abased towards the ground
about the one and the other hand. Lastly, he held them in the midst, as
aiming right at the Englishman's nose. And if Mercury,--said the
Englishman. There Panurge interrupted him, and said, You have spoken,
Mask.

Then made the Englishman this sign. His left hand all open he lifted up
into the air, then instantly shut into his fist the four fingers thereof,
and his thumb extended at length he placed upon the gristle of his nose.
Presently after, he lifted up his right hand all open, and all open abased
and bent it downwards, putting the thumb thereof in the very place where
the little finger of the left hand did close in the fist, and the four
right-hand fingers he softly moved in the air. Then contrarily he did with
the right hand what he had done with the left, and with the left what he
had done with the right.

Panurge, being not a whit amazed at this, drew out into the air his
trismegist codpiece with the left hand, and with his right drew forth a
truncheon of a white ox-rib, and two pieces of wood of a like form, one of
black ebony and the other of incarnation brasil, and put them betwixt the
fingers of that hand in good symmetry; then, knocking them together, made
such a noise as the lepers of Brittany use to do with their clappering
clickets, yet better resounding and far more harmonious, and with his
tongue contracted in his mouth did very merrily warble it, always looking
fixedly upon the Englishman. The divines, physicians, and chirurgeons that
were there thought that by this sign he would have inferred that the
Englishman was a leper. The counsellors, lawyers, and decretalists
conceived that by doing this he would have concluded some kind of mortal
felicity to consist in leprosy, as the Lord maintained heretofore.

The Englishman for all this was nothing daunted, but holding up his two
hands in the air, kept them in such form that he closed the three
master-fingers in his fist, and passing his thumbs through his indical or
foremost and middle fingers, his auriculary or little fingers remained
extended and stretched out, and so presented he them to Panurge. Then
joined he them so that the right thumb touched the left, and the left little
finger touched the right. Hereat Panurge, without speaking one word, lift
up his hands and made this sign.

He put the nail of the forefinger of his left hand to the nail of the thumb
of the same, making in the middle of the distance as it were a buckle, and
of his right hand shut up all the fingers into his fist, except the
forefinger, which he often thrust in and out through the said two others of
the left hand. Then stretched he out the forefinger and middle finger or
medical of his right hand, holding them asunder as much as he could, and
thrusting them towards Thaumast. Then did he put the thumb of his left
hand upon the corner of his left eye, stretching out all his hand like the
wing of a bird or the fin of a fish, and moving it very daintily this way
and that way, he did as much with his right hand upon the corner of his
right eye. Thaumast began then to wax somewhat pale, and to tremble, and
made him this sign.

With the middle finger of his right hand he struck against the muscle of
the palm or pulp which is under the thumb. Then put he the forefinger of
the right hand in the like buckle of the left, but he put it under, and not
over, as Panurge did. Then Panurge knocked one hand against another, and
blowed in his palm, and put again the forefinger of his right hand into the
overture or mouth of the left, pulling it often in and out. Then held he
out his chin, most intentively looking upon Thaumast. The people there,
which understood nothing in the other signs, knew very well that therein he
demanded, without speaking a word to Thaumast, What do you mean by that?
In effect, Thaumast then began to sweat great drops, and seemed to all the
spectators a man strangely ravished in high contemplation. Then he
bethought himself, and put all the nails of his left hand against those of
his right, opening his fingers as if they had been semicircles, and with
this sign lift up his hands as high as he could. Whereupon Panurge
presently put the thumb of his right hand under his jaws, and the little
finger thereof in the mouth of the left hand, and in this posture made his
teeth to sound very melodiously, the upper against the lower. With this
Thaumast, with great toil and vexation of spirit, rose up, but in rising
let a great baker's fart, for the bran came after, and pissing withal very
strong vinegar, stunk like all the devils in hell. The company began to
stop their noses; for he had conskited himself with mere anguish and
perplexity. Then lifted he up his right hand, clunching it in such sort
that he brought the ends of all his fingers to meet together, and his left
hand he laid flat upon his breast. Whereat Panurge drew out his long
codpiece with his tuff, and stretched it forth a cubit and a half, holding
it in the air with his right hand, and with his left took out his orange,
and, casting it up into the air seven times, at the eighth he hid it in the
fist of his right hand, holding it steadily up on high, and then began to
shake his fair codpiece, showing it to Thaumast.

After that, Thaumast began to puff up his two cheeks like a player on a
bagpipe, and blew as if he had been to puff up a pig's bladder. Whereupon
Panurge put one finger of his left hand in his nockandrow, by some called
St. Patrick's hole, and with his mouth sucked in the air, in such a manner
as when one eats oysters in the shell, or when we sup up our broth. This
done, he opened his mouth somewhat, and struck his right hand flat upon it,
making therewith a great and a deep sound, as if it came from the
superficies of the midriff through the trachiartery or pipe of the lungs,
and this he did for sixteen times; but Thaumast did always keep blowing
like a goose. Then Panurge put the forefinger of his right hand into his
mouth, pressing it very hard to the muscles thereof; then he drew it out,
and withal made a great noise, as when little boys shoot pellets out of the
pot-cannons made of the hollow sticks of the branch of an alder-tree, and
he did it nine times.

Then Thaumast cried out, Ha, my masters, a great secret! With this he put
in his hand up to the elbow, then drew out a dagger that he had, holding it
by the point downwards. Whereat Panurge took his long codpiece, and shook
it as hard as he could against his thighs; then put his two hands entwined
in manner of a comb upon his head, laying out his tongue as far as he was
able, and turning his eyes in his head like a goat that is ready to die.
Ha, I understand, said Thaumast, but what? making such a sign that he put
the haft of his dagger against his breast, and upon the point thereof the
flat of his hand, turning in a little the ends of his fingers. Whereat
Panurge held down his head on the left side, and put his middle finger into
his right ear, holding up his thumb bolt upright. Then he crossed his two
arms upon his breast and coughed five times, and at the fifth time he
struck his right foot against the ground. Then he lift up his left arm,
and closing all his fingers into his fist, held his thumb against his
forehead, striking with his right hand six times against his breast. But
Thaumast, as not content therewith, put the thumb of his left hand upon the
top of his nose, shutting the rest of his said hand, whereupon Panurge set
his two master-fingers upon each side of his mouth, drawing it as much as
he was able, and widening it so that he showed all his teeth, and with his
two thumbs plucked down his two eyelids very low, making therewith a very
ill-favoured countenance, as it seemed to the company.



Chapter 2. XX.

How Thaumast relateth the virtues and knowledge of Panurge.

Then Panurge rose up, and, putting off his cap, did very kindly thank the
said Panurge, and with a loud voice said unto all the people that were
there: My lords, gentlemen, and others, at this time may I to some good
purpose speak that evangelical word, Et ecce plus quam Salomon hic! You
have here in your presence an incomparable treasure, that is, my lord
Pantagruel, whose great renown hath brought me hither, out of the very
heart of England, to confer with him about the insoluble problems, both in
magic, alchemy, the cabal, geomancy, astrology, and philosophy, which I had
in my mind. But at present I am angry even with fame itself, which I think
was envious to him, for that it did not declare the thousandth part of the
worth that indeed is in him. You have seen how his disciple only hath
satisfied me, and hath told me more than I asked of him. Besides, he hath
opened unto me, and resolved other inestimable doubts, wherein I can assure
you he hath to me discovered the very true well, fountain, and abyss of the
encyclopaedia of learning; yea, in such a sort that I did not think I
should ever have found a man that could have made his skill appear in so
much as the first elements of that concerning which we disputed by signs,
without speaking either word or half word. But, in fine, I will reduce
into writing that which we have said and concluded, that the world may not
take them to be fooleries, and will thereafter cause them to be printed,
that everyone may learn as I have done. Judge, then, what the master had
been able to say, seeing the disciple hath done so valiantly; for, Non est
discipulus super magistrum. Howsoever, God be praised! and I do very
humbly thank you for the honour that you have done us at this act. God
reward you for it eternally! The like thanks gave Pantagruel to all the
company, and, going from thence, he carried Thaumast to dinner with him,
and believe that they drank as much as their skins could hold, or, as the
phrase is, with unbuttoned bellies (for in that age they made fast their
bellies with buttons, as we do now the collars of our doublets or jerkins),
even till they neither knew where they were nor whence they came. Blessed
Lady, how they did carouse it, and pluck, as we say, at the kid's leather!
And flagons to trot, and they to toot, Draw; give, page, some wine here;
reach hither; fill with a devil, so! There was not one but did drink five
and twenty or thirty pipes. Can you tell how? Even sicut terra sine aqua;
for the weather was hot, and, besides that, they were very dry. In matter
of the exposition of the propositions set down by Thaumast, and the
signification of the signs which they used in their disputation, I would
have set them down for you according to their own relation, but I have been
told that Thaumast made a great book of it, imprinted at London, wherein he
hath set down all, without omitting anything, and therefore at this time I
do pass by it.



Chapter 2. XXI.

How Panurge was in love with a lady of Paris.

Panurge began to be in great reputation in the city of Paris by means of
this disputation wherein he prevailed against the Englishman, and from
thenceforth made his codpiece to be very useful to him. To which effect he
had it pinked with pretty little embroideries after the Romanesca fashion.
And the world did praise him publicly, in so far that there was a song made
of him, which little children did use to sing when they were to fetch
mustard. He was withal made welcome in all companies of ladies and
gentlewomen, so that at last he became presumptuous, and went about to
bring to his lure one of the greatest ladies in the city. And, indeed,
leaving a rabble of long prologues and protestations, which ordinarily
these dolent contemplative lent-lovers make who never meddle with the
flesh, one day he said unto her, Madam, it would be a very great benefit to
the commonwealth, delightful to you, honourable to your progeny, and
necessary for me, that I cover you for the propagating of my race, and
believe it, for experience will teach it you. The lady at this word thrust
him back above a hundred leagues, saying, You mischievous fool, is it for
you to talk thus unto me? Whom do you think you have in hand? Begone,
never to come in my sight again; for, if one thing were not, I would have
your legs and arms cut off. Well, said he, that were all one to me, to
want both legs and arms, provided you and I had but one merry bout together
at the brangle-buttock game; for herewithin is--in showing her his long
codpiece--Master John Thursday, who will play you such an antic that you
shall feel the sweetness thereof even to the very marrow of your bones. He
is a gallant, and doth so well know how to find out all the corners,
creeks, and ingrained inmates in your carnal trap, that after him there
needs no broom, he'll sweep so well before, and leave nothing to his
followers to work upon. Whereunto the lady answered, Go, villain, go. If
you speak to me one such word more, I will cry out and make you to be
knocked down with blows. Ha, said he, you are not so bad as you say--no,
or else I am deceived in your physiognomy. For sooner shall the earth
mount up unto the heavens, and the highest heavens descend unto the hells,
and all the course of nature be quite perverted, than that in so great
beauty and neatness as in you is there should be one drop of gall or
malice. They say, indeed, that hardly shall a man ever see a fair woman
that is not also stubborn. Yet that is spoke only of those vulgar
beauties; but yours is so excellent, so singular, and so heavenly, that I
believe nature hath given it you as a paragon and masterpiece of her art,
to make us know what she can do when she will employ all her skill and all
her power. There is nothing in you but honey, but sugar, but a sweet and
celestial manna. To you it was to whom Paris ought to have adjudged the
golden apple, not to Venus, no, nor to Juno, nor to Minerva, for never was
there so much magnificence in Juno, so much wisdom in Minerva, nor so much
comeliness in Venus as there is in you. O heavenly gods and goddesses!
How happy shall that man be to whom you will grant the favour to embrace
her, to kiss her, and to rub his bacon with hers! By G--, that shall be I,
I know it well; for she loves me already her bellyful, I am sure of it, and
so was I predestinated to it by the fairies. And therefore, that we lose
no time, put on, thrust out your gammons! --and would have embraced her, but
she made as if she would put out her head at the window to call her
neighbours for help. Then Panurge on a sudden ran out, and in his running
away said, Madam, stay here till I come again; I will go call them myself;
do not you take so much pains. Thus went he away, not much caring for the
repulse he had got, nor made he any whit the worse cheer for it. The next
day he came to the church at the time she went to mass. At the door he
gave her some of the holy water, bowing himself very low before her.
Afterwards he kneeled down by her very familiarly and said unto her, Madam,
know that I am so amorous of you that I can neither piss nor dung for love.
I do not know, lady, what you mean, but if I should take any hurt by it,
how much you would be to blame! Go, said she, go! I do not care; let me
alone to say my prayers. Ay but, said he, equivocate upon this: a beau
mont le viconte, or, to fair mount the prick-cunts. I cannot, said she.
It is, said he, a beau con le vit monte, or to a fair c. . . the pr. .
. mounts. And upon this, pray to God to give you that which your noble
heart desireth, and I pray you give me these paternosters. Take them, said
she, and trouble me no longer. This done, she would have taken off her
paternosters, which were made of a kind of yellow stone called cestrin, and
adorned with great spots of gold, but Panurge nimbly drew out one of his
knives, wherewith he cut them off very handsomely, and whilst he was going
away to carry them to the brokers, he said to her, Will you have my knife?
No, no, said she. But, said he, to the purpose. I am at your commandment,
body and goods, tripes and bowels.

In the meantime the lady was not very well content with the want of her
paternosters, for they were one of her implements to keep her countenance
by in the church; then thought with herself, This bold flouting roister is
some giddy, fantastical, light-headed fool of a strange country. I shall
never recover my paternosters again. What will my husband say? He will no
doubt be angry with me. But I will tell him that a thief hath cut them off
from my hands in the church, which he will easily believe, seeing the end
of the ribbon left at my girdle. After dinner Panurge went to see her,
carrying in his sleeve a great purse full of palace-crowns, called
counters, and began to say unto her, Which of us two loveth other best, you
me, or I you? Whereunto she answered, As for me, I do not hate you; for,
as God commands, I love all the world. But to the purpose, said he; are
not you in love with me? I have, said she, told you so many times already
that you should talk so no more to me, and if you speak of it again I will
teach you that I am not one to be talked unto dishonestly. Get you hence
packing, and deliver me my paternosters, that my husband may not ask me for
them.

How now, madam, said he, your paternosters? Nay, by mine oath, I will not
do so, but I will give you others. Had you rather have them of gold well
enamelled in great round knobs, or after the manner of love-knots, or,
otherwise, all massive, like great ingots, or if you had rather have them
of ebony, of jacinth, or of grained gold, with the marks of fine
turquoises, or of fair topazes, marked with fine sapphires, or of baleu
rubies, with great marks of diamonds of eight and twenty squares? No, no,
all this is too little. I know a fair bracelet of fine emeralds, marked
with spotted ambergris, and at the buckle a Persian pearl as big as an
orange. It will not cost above five and twenty thousand ducats. I will
make you a present of it, for I have ready coin enough,--and withal he made
a noise with his counters, as if they had been French crowns.

Will you have a piece of velvet, either of the violet colour or of crimson
dyed in grain, or a piece of broached or crimson satin? Will you have
chains, gold, tablets, rings? You need no more but say, Yes; so far as
fifty thousand ducats may reach, it is but as nothing to me. By the virtue
of which words he made the water come in her mouth; but she said unto him,
No, I thank you, I will have nothing of you. By G--, said he, but I will
have somewhat of you; yet shall it be that which shall cost you nothing,
neither shall you have a jot the less when you have given it. Hold!
--showing his long codpiece--this is Master John Goodfellow, that asks for
lodging! --and with that would have embraced her; but she began to cry out,
yet not very loud. Then Panurge put off his counterfeit garb, changed his
false visage, and said unto her, You will not then otherwise let me do a
little? A turd for you! You do not deserve so much good, nor so much
honour; but, by G--, I will make the dogs ride you;--and with this he ran
away as fast as he could, for fear of blows, whereof he was naturally
fearful.



Chapter 2. XXII.

How Panurge served a Parisian lady a trick that pleased her not very well.

Now you must note that the next day was the great festival of Corpus
Christi, called the Sacre, wherein all women put on their best apparel, and
on that day the said lady was clothed in a rich gown of crimson satin,
under which she wore a very costly white velvet petticoat.

The day of the eve, called the vigil, Panurge searched so long of one side
and another that he found a hot or salt bitch, which, when he had tied her
with his girdle, he led to his chamber and fed her very well all that day
and night. In the morning thereafter he killed her, and took that part of
her which the Greek geomancers know, and cut it into several small pieces
as small as he could. Then, carrying it away as close as might be, he went
to the place where the lady was to come along to follow the procession, as
the custom is upon the said holy day; and when she came in Panurge
sprinkled some holy water on her, saluting her very courteously. Then, a
little while after she had said her petty devotions, he sat down close by
her upon the same bench, and gave her this roundelay in writing, in manner
as followeth.

A Roundelay.

For this one time, that I to you my love
Discovered, you did too cruel prove,
To send me packing, hopeless, and so soon,
Who never any wrong to you had done,
In any kind of action, word, or thought:
So that, if my suit liked you not, you ought
T' have spoke more civilly, and to this sense,
My friend, be pleased to depart from hence,
For this one time.

What hurt do I, to wish you to remark,
With favour and compassion, how a spark
Of your great beauty hath inflamed my heart
With deep affection, and that, for my part,
I only ask that you with me would dance
The brangle gay in feats of dalliance,
For this one time?

And, as she was opening this paper to see what it was, Panurge very
promptly and lightly scattered the drug that he had upon her in divers
places, but especially in the plaits of her sleeves and of her gown. Then
said he unto her, Madam, the poor lovers are not always at ease. As for
me, I hope that those heavy nights, those pains and troubles, which I
suffer for love of you, shall be a deduction to me of so much pain in
purgatory; yet, at the least, pray to God to give me patience in my misery.
Panurge had no sooner spoke this but all the dogs that were in the church
came running to this lady with the smell of the drugs that he had strewed
upon her, both small and great, big and little, all came, laying out their
member, smelling to her, and pissing everywhere upon her--it was the
greatest villainy in the world. Panurge made the fashion of driving them
away; then took his leave of her and withdrew himself into some chapel or
oratory of the said church to see the sport; for these villainous dogs did
compiss all her habiliments, and left none of her attire unbesprinkled with
their staling; insomuch that a tall greyhound pissed upon her head, others
in her sleeves, others on her crupper-piece, and the little ones pissed
upon her pataines; so that all the women that were round about her had much
ado to save her. Whereat Panurge very heartily laughing, he said to one of
the lords of the city, I believe that same lady is hot, or else that some
greyhound hath covered her lately. And when he saw that all the dogs were
flocking about her, yarring at the retardment of their access to her, and
every way keeping such a coil with her as they are wont to do about a proud
or salt bitch, he forthwith departed from thence, and went to call
Pantagruel, not forgetting in his way alongst the streets through which he
went, where he found any dogs to give them a bang with his foot, saying,
Will you not go with your fellows to the wedding? Away, hence, avant,
avant, with a devil avant! And being come home, he said to Pantagruel,
Master, I pray you come and see all the dogs of the country, how they are
assembled about a lady, the fairest in the city, and would duffle and line
her. Whereunto Pantagruel willingly condescended, and saw the mystery,
which he found very pretty and strange. But the best was at the
procession, in which were seen above six hundred thousand and fourteen dogs
about her, which did very much trouble and molest her, and whithersoever
she passed, those dogs that came afresh, tracing her footsteps, followed
her at the heels, and pissed in the way where her gown had touched. All
the world stood gazing at this spectacle, considering the countenance of
those dogs, who, leaping up, got about her neck and spoiled all her
gorgeous accoutrements, for the which she could find no remedy but to
retire unto her house, which was a palace. Thither she went, and the dogs
after her; she ran to hide herself, but the chambermaids could not abstain
from laughing. When she was entered into the house and had shut the door
upon herself, all the dogs came running of half a league round, and did so
well bepiss the gate of her house that there they made a stream with their
urine wherein a duck might have very well swimmed, and it is the same
current that now runs at St. Victor, in which Gobelin dyeth scarlet, for
the specifical virtue of these piss-dogs, as our master Doribus did
heretofore preach publicly. So may God help you, a mill would have ground
corn with it. Yet not so much as those of Basacle at Toulouse.



Chapter 2. XXIII.