Yes,
madam, these were the recreations I took you from; but now
you must have your coach-vis-à-vis — and three powdered foot-
men before your chair; and in the summer, a pair of white cats
to draw you to Kensington Gardens.
madam, these were the recreations I took you from; but now
you must have your coach-vis-à-vis — and three powdered foot-
men before your chair; and in the summer, a pair of white cats
to draw you to Kensington Gardens.
Warner - World's Best Literature - v23 - Sha to Sta
Candour - I am rejoiced you are come, Sir Peter.
They
have been so censorious; and Lady Teazle as bad as any one.
Sir Peter-That must be very distressing to you, indeed,
Mrs. Candour.
Mrs. Candour -Oh, they will allow good qualities to nobody;
not even good-nature to our friend Mrs. Pursy.
Lady Teazle - What, the fat dowager who was at Mrs. Quad-
rille's last night?
Mrs. Candour - Nay, her bulk is her misfortune; and when
she takes so much pains to get rid of it, you ought not to reflect
on her.
Lady Sneerwell-That's very true, indeed.
Lady Teazle - Yes, I know she almost lives on acids and small
whey; laces herself by pulleys; and often, in the hottest noon in
summer, you may see her on a little squat pony, with her hair
plaited up behind like a drummer's, and puffing round the Ring
on a full trot.
Mrs. Candour-I thank you, Lady Teazle, for defending her.
Sir Peter-Yes, a good defense, truly.
Mrs. Candour-Truly, Lady Teazle is as censorious as Miss
Sallow.
Crabtree - Yes; and she is a curious being to pretend to be
censorious, an awkward gawky, without any one good point
under heaven.
Mrs. Candour · Positively you shall not be so very severe.
Miss Sallow is a near relation of mine by marriage: and as for
her person, great allowance is to be made; for let me tell you, a
woman labors under many disadvantages who tries to pass for
a girl of six-and-thirty.
·
Lady Sneerwell—Though, surely, she is handsome still; and
for the weakness in her eyes, considering how much she reads
by candle-light, it is not to be wondered at.
Mrs. Candour- True; and then as to her manner: upon my
word I think it is particularly graceful, considering she never had
the least education; for you know her mother was a Welsh milli-
ner, and her father a sugar-baker at Bristol.
-
## p. 13337 (#143) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13337
Sir Benjamin-Ah! you are both of you too good-natured!
Sir Peter [aside]—Yes, damned good-natured! This their own
relation! mercy on me!
Mrs. Candour - For my part, I own I cannot bear to hear a
friend ill spoken of.
Sir Peter-No, to be sure!
Sir Benjamin-Oh! you are of a moral turn. Mrs. Candour
and I can sit for an hour and hear Lady Stucco talk sentiment.
Lady Teazle-Nay, I vow Lady Stucco is very well with the
dessert after dinner; for she's just like the French fruit one
cracks for mottoes,- made up of paint and proverb.
Mrs. Candour-Well, I will never join in ridiculing a friend;
and so I constantly tell my cousin Ogle,- and you all know what
pretensions she has to be critical on beauty.
Crabtree - Oh, to be sure! she has herself the oddest counte-
nance that ever was seen; 'tis a collection of features from all
the different countries of the globe.
Sir Benjamin-So she has, indeed-an Irish front-
Crabtree - Caledonian locks-
Sir Benjamin-Dutch nose-
Crabtree Austrian lips-
Sir Benjamin-Complexion of a Spaniard-
Crabtree - And teeth à la Chinoise-
――――――――
――――――――
-
-
――――――――――
-
Sir Benjamin-In short, her face resembles a table d'hôte at
Spa, where no two guests are of a nation —
Crabtree - Or a congress at the close of a general war,
wherein all the members, even to her eyes, appear to have a
different interest; and her nose and chin are the only parties
likely to join issue.
Mrs. Candour - Ha! ha! ha!
Sir Peter [aside] - Mercy on my life! - a person they dine
with twice a week!
Mrs. Candour-Nay, but I vow you shall not carry the laugh
off so; for give me leave to say that Mrs. Ogle —
Sir Peter Madam, madam, I beg your pardon—there's no
stopping these good gentlemen's tongues. But when I tell you,
Mrs. Candour, that the lady they are abusing is a particular
friend of mine, I hope you'll not take her part.
Lady Sneerwell-Ha! ha! ha! well said, Sir Peter! but you
are a cruel creature: too phlegmatic yourself for a jest, and too
peevish to allow wit in others.
## p. 13338 (#144) ##########################################
13338
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
Sir Peter-Ah, madam, true wit is more nearly allied to
good-nature than your Ladyship is aware of.
Lady Teazle-True, Sir Peter: I believe they are so near akin
that they can never be united.
Sir Benjamin-Or rather, suppose them man and wife, because
one seldom sees them together.
Lady Teazle-But Sir Peter is such an enemy to scandal, I
believe he would have it put down by Parliament.
Sir Peter-'Fore heaven, madam, if they were to consider the
sporting with reputation of as much importance as poaching on
manors, and pass an act for the preservation of fame as well as
game, believe many would thank them for the bill.
Lady Sneerwell-O Lud, Sir Peter! would you deprive us of
our privileges?
Sir Peter-Ay, madam; and then no person should be per-
mitted to kill characters and run down reputations but qualified.
old maids and disappointed widows.
Lady Sneerwell-Go, you monster!
Mrs. Candour-But surely, you would not be quite so severe
on those who only report what they hear?
Sir Peter-Yes, madam: I would have law-merchant for them.
too; and in all cases of slander currency, whenever the drawer
of the lie was not to be found, the injured parties should have a
right to come on any of the indorsers.
Crabtree - Well, for my part, I believe there never was a
scandalous tale without some foundation.
Lady Sneerwell-Come, ladies, shall we sit down to cards in
the next room?
Enter Servant, who whispers Sir Peter
Sir Peter-I'll be with them directly. [Exit servant. ] [Aside. ]
I'll get away unperceived.
Lady Sneerwell - Sir Peter, you are not going to leave us?
Sir Peter-Your Ladyship must excuse me: I'm called away
by particular business. But I leave my character behind me.
[Exit.
Sir Benjamin - Well - certainly, Lady Teazle, that lord of
yours is a strange being: I could tell you some stories of him
would make you laugh heartily if he were not your husband.
Lady Teazle - Oh, pray don't mind that: come, do let's hear
them.
## p. 13339 (#145) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13339
Exeunt all but Joseph Surface and Maria
Joseph Surface - Maria, I see you have no satisfaction in this
society.
Maria - How is it possible I should? If to raise malicious
smiles at the infirmities or misfortunes of those who have never
injured us be the province of wit or humor, Heaven grant me a
double portion of dullness!
Joseph Surface-Yet they appear more ill-natured than they
are: they have no malice at heart.
Maria - Then is their conduct still more contemptible; for
in my opinion, nothing could excuse the intemperance of their
tongues but a natural and uncontrollable bitterness of mind.
MATRIMONIAL FELICITY
From the School for Scandal >
Scene: A room in Sir Peter Teazle's house. Enter Sir Peter Teazle.
SIR
IR PETER — When an old bachelor marries a young wife, what
is he to expect? 'Tis now six months since Lady Teazle
made me the happiest of men - and I have been the most
miserable dog ever since. We tift a little going to church, and
fairly quarreled before the bells had done ringing. I was more
than once nearly choked with gall during the honeymoon, and
had lost all comfort in life before my friends had done wishing
me joy.
joy. Yet I chose with caution: a girl bred wholly in the
country, who never knew luxury beyond one silk gown, nor dis-
sipation above the annual gala of a race ball. Yet she now
plays her part in all the extravagant fopperies of fashion and the
town with as ready a grace as if she never had seen a bush or a
grassplot out of Grosvenor Square! I am sneered at by all my
acquaintance, and paragraphed in the newspapers. She dissipates
my fortune, and contradicts all my humors; yet the worst of it
is, I doubt I love her, or I should never bear all this. However,
I'll never be weak enough to own it.
Enter Rowley
Rowley-Oh! Sir Peter, your servant: how is it with you, sir?
Sir Peter-Very bad, Master Rowley, very bad. I meet with
nothing but crosses and vexations.
## p. 13340 (#146) ##########################################
13340
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
Rowley-What can have happened since yesterday?
Sir Peter-A good question to a married man!
Rowley-Nay, I'm sure, Sir Peter, your lady can't be the
cause of your uneasiness.
Sir Peter-Why, has anybody told you she was dead?
Rowley-Come, come, Sir Peter, you love her, notwithstand-
ing your tempers don't exactly agree.
Sir Peter-But the fault is entirely hers, Master Rowley. I
am myself the sweetest-tempered man alive, and hate a teasing
temper; and so I tell her a hundred times a day.
Rowley-Indeed!
Sir Peter-Ay; and what is very extraordinary, in all our
disputes she is always in the wrong. But Lady Sneerwell, and
the set she meets at her house, encourage the perverseness of
her disposition. Then, to complete my vexation, Maria, my
ward, whom I ought to have the power of a father over, is
determined to turn rebel too, and absolutely refuses the man
whom I have long resolved on for her husband; meaning, I sup-
pose, to bestow herself on his profligate brother.
Rowley-You know, Sir Peter, I have always taken the lib-
erty to differ with you on the subject of these two young gentle-
men. I only wish you may not be deceived in your opinion of
the elder. For Charles, my life on't! he will retrieve his errors
yet. Their worthy father, once my honored master, was at his
years nearly as wild a spark; yet when he died, he did not
leave a more benevolent heart to lament his loss.
Sir Peter-You are wrong, Master Rowley. On their father's
death, you know, I acted as a kind of guardian to them both,
till their uncle Sir Oliver's liberality gave them an early inde-
pendence; of course, no person could have more opportunities
of judging of their hearts: and I was never mistaken in my
life. Joseph is indeed a model for the young men of the age.
He is a man of sentiment, and acts up to the sentiments he
professes; but for the other, take my word for't, if he had any
grain of virtue by descent, he has dissipated it with the rest of
his inheritance. Ah! my old friend Sir Oliver will be deeply
mortified when he finds how part of his bounty has been mis-
applied.
Rowley-I am sorry to find you so violent against the young
man, because this may be the most critical period of his fortune.
I came hither with news that will surprise you.
Sir Peter-What! let me hear.
## p. 13341 (#147) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13341
Rowley - Sir Oliver is arrived, and at this moment in town.
Sir Peter How? you astonish me! I thought you did not
expect him this month.
Rowley-I did not; but his passage has been remarkably
quick.
Sir Peter-Egad, I shall rejoice to see my old friend. 'Tis
sixteen years since we met. We have had many a day together;
but does he still enjoin us not to inform his nephews of his
arrival?
―――――
-
Rowley Most strictly. He means, before it is known, to
make some trial of their dispositions.
Sir Peter-Ah! there needs no art to discover their merits-
however, he shall have his way; but pray, does he know I am
married?
―
Rowley Yes, and will soon wish you joy.
Sir Peter - What, as we drink health to a friend in a con-
sumption! Ah! Oliver will laugh at me. We used to rail at
matrimony together, but he has been steady to his text. Well,
he must be soon at my house, though: I'll instantly give orders.
for his reception. But, Master Rowley, don't drop a word that
Lady Teazle and I ever disagree.
Rowley By no means.
Sir Peter - For I should never be able to stand Noll's jokes;
so I'll have him think - Lord forgive me! -that we are a very
happy couple.
―
·
Rowley-I understand you; but then you must be very care-
ful not to differ while he is in the house with you.
Sir Peter-Egad, and so we must-and that's impossible.
Ah! Master Rowley, when an old bachelor marries a young wife,
he deserves no, the crime carries its punishment along with it.
[Exeunt.
Scene: A room in Sir Peter Teazle's house. Enter Sir Peter and Lady
Teazle.
Sir Peter-Lady Teazle, Lady Teazle, I'll not bear it.
Lady Teazle-Sir Peter, Sir Peter, you may bear it or not, as
you please; but I ought to have my own way in everything, and
what's more, I will, too. What! though I was educated in the
country, I know very well that women of fashion in London are
accountable to nobody after they are married.
## p. 13342 (#148) ##########################################
13342
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
Sir Peter-Very well, ma'am, very well: so a husband is to
have no influence, no authority?
Lady Teazle-Authority! No, to be sure. If you wanted
authority over me, you should have adopted me, and not married
me: I am sure you were old enough.
Sir Peter-Old enough! -ay, there it is. Well, well, Lady
Teazle, though my life may be made unhappy by your temper,
I'll not be ruined by your extravagance!
Lady Teazle - My extravagance! I'm sure I'm not more ex-
travagant than a woman of fashion ought to be.
Sir Peter-No, no, madam: you shall throw away no more
sums on such unmeaning luxury. 'Slife! to spend as much to
furnish your dressing-room with flowers in winter as would suf-
fice to turn the Pantheon into a greenhouse, and give a fête
champêtre at Christmas.
Lady Teazle-And am I to blame, Sir Peter, because flow-
ers are dear in cold weather? You should find fault with
the climate, and not with me. For my part, I'm sure I wish it
was spring all the year round, and that roses grew under our
feet.
Sir Peter-Oons! madam, if you had been born to this, I
shouldn't wonder at your talking thus; but you forget what your
situation was when I married you.
Lady Teazle-No, no, I don't: 'twas a very disagreeable one,
or I should never have married you.
Sir Peter-Yes, yes, madam: you were then in somewhat a
humbler style - the daughter of a plain country squire. Recol-
lect, Lady Teazle, when I saw you first sitting at your tambour,
in a pretty figured linen gown, with a bunch of keys at your
side, your hair combed smooth over a roll, and your apartment
hung round with fruits in worsted, of your own working.
Lady Teazle-Oh, yes! I remember it very well, and a curi-
ous life I led. My daily occupation to inspect the dairy, superin-
tend the poultry, make extracts from the family receipt-book, and
comb my Aunt Deborah's lapdog.
Sir Peter-Yes, yes, ma'am, 'twas so indeed.
Lady Teazle-And then you know my evening amusements!
To draw patterns for ruffles, which I had not materials to make
up; to play Pope Joan with the curate; to read a sermon to my
aunt; or to be stuck down to an old spinet to strum my father
to sleep after a fox-chase.
## p. 13343 (#149) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13343
-
Sir Peter-I am glad you have so good a memory.
Yes,
madam, these were the recreations I took you from; but now
you must have your coach-vis-à-vis — and three powdered foot-
men before your chair; and in the summer, a pair of white cats
to draw you to Kensington Gardens. No recollection, I suppose,
when you were content to ride double behind the butler, on a
docked coach-horse.
Lady Teazle - No-I swear I never did that: I deny the but-
ler and the coach-horse.
Sir Peter-This, madam, was your situation; and what have I
done for you? I have made you a woman of fashion, of fortune,
of rank,-in short, I have made you my wife.
Lady Teazle Well then, and there is but one thing more
you can make me to add to the obligation; that is-
Sir Peter- My widow, I suppose?
Lady Teazle - Hem! hem!
Sir Peter-I thank you, madam- but don't flatter yourself;
for though your ill conduct may disturb my peace of mind, it
shall never break my heart, I promise you: however, I am
equally obliged to you for the hint.
Lady Teazle-Then why will you endeavor to make your-
self so disagreeable to me, and thwart me in every little elegant
expense?
Sir Peter-'Slife, madam, I say, had you any of these little
elegant expenses when you married me?
Lady Teazle-Lud, Sir Peter! would you have me be out of
the fashion?
-
Sir Peter-The fashion, indeed! what had you to do with the
fashion before you married me?
Lady Teazle - For my part, I should think you would like to
have your wife thought a woman of taste.
Zounds! madam, you
Sir Peter-Ay-there again-taste!
had no taste when you married me!
Lady Teazle-That's very true, indeed, Sir Peter! and after
having married you, I should never pretend to taste again, I
allow. But now, Sir Peter, since we have finished our daily jan-
gle, I presume I may go to my engagement at Lady Sneerwell's.
Sir Peter-Ay, there's another precious circumstance, -a
charming set of acquaintance you have made there!
Lady Teazle-Nay, Sir Peter, they are all people of rank and
fortune, and remarkably tenacious of reputation.
## p. 13344 (#150) ##########################################
13344
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
Sir Peter - Yes, egad, they are tenacious of reputation with a
vengeance; for they don't choose anybody should have a charac-
ter but themselves! Such a crew! Ah! many a wretch has
rid on a hurdle who has done less mischief than these utterers
of forged tales, coiners of scandal, and clippers of reputation.
Lady Teazle - What, would you restrain the freedom of
speech?
Sir Peter - Ah! they have made you just as bad as any one
of the society.
Lady Teazle - Why, I believe I do bear a part with a toler-
able grace.
Sir Peter-Grace, indeed!
Lady Teazle-But I vow I bear no malice against the people
I abuse when I say an ill-natured thing, 'tis out of pure good-
humor; and I take it for granted they deal exactly in the same
manner with me. But, Sir Peter, you know you promised to
come to Lady Sneerwell's too.
Sir Peter-Well, well, I'll call in, just to look after my own.
character.
Lady Teazle Then indeed you must make haste after me,
or you'll be too late. So good-by to ye.
[Exit.
Sir Peter-So-I have gained much by my intended expos-
tulation! Yet with what a charming air she contradicts every-
thing I say, and how pleasantly she shows her contempt for
my authority! Well, though I can't make her love me, there is
great satisfaction in quarreling with her; and I think she never
appears to such advantage as when she is doing everything in
her power to plague me.
[Exit.
SIR PETER AND LADY TEAZLE AGREE TO DISAGREE
From the School for Scandal'
Sir Peter Teazle discovered: enter Lady Teazle.
L
ADY TEAZLE - Lud! Sir
reling with Maria?
humored when I am not by.
Sir Peter-Ah, Lady Teazle, you might have the power to
make me good-humored at all times.
Peter, I hope you haven't been quar-
It is not using me well to be ill-
## p. 13345 (#151) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13345
Lady Teazle-I am sure I wish I had; for I want you to be
in a charming sweet temper at this moment.
Do be good-
humored now, and let me have two hundred pounds, will you?
Sir Peter - Two hundred pounds! what, a'n't I to be in a
good humor without paying for it? But speak to me thus, and
i' faith there's nothing I could refuse you. You shall have it; but
seal me a bond for the payment.
Lady Teazle - Oh, no- - there
well.
Sir Peter-And you shall no longer reproach me with not
giving you an independent settlement. I mean shortly to sur-
prise you; but shall we always live thus, hey?
Lady Teazle-If you please. I'm sure I don't care how soon
we leave off quarreling, provided you'll own you were tired first.
Sir Peter-Well- then let our future contest be, who shall
be most obliging.
Lady Teazle-I assure you, Sir Peter, good-nature becomes
you. You look now as you did before we were married, when
you used to walk with me under the elms, and tell me stories of
what a gallant you were in your youth; and chuck me under the
chin, you would, and ask me if I thought I could love an old
fellow who would deny me nothing-didn't you?
Sir Peter - Yes, yes; and you were as kind and attentive –
Lady Teazle-Ay, so I was; and would always take your
part when my acquaintance used to abuse you, and turn you
into ridicule.
Sir Peter - Indeed!
Lady Teazle-Ay, and when my cousin Sophy has called you
a stiff, peevish old bachelor, and laughed at me for thinking of
marrying one who might be my father, I have always defended
you, and said I didn't think you so ugly by any means.
Sir Peter - Thank you.
Lady Teazle - And I dared say you'd make a very good sort
of a husband.
Sir Peter And you prophesied right; and we shall now be
the happiest couple -
Lady Teazle - And never differ again?
Sir Peter - No, never! -though at the same time, indeed, my
dear Lady Teazle, you must watch your temper very seriously;
for in all our little quarrels, my dear, if you recollect, my love,
you always began first.
XXIII-835
-
―
―――
my note of hand will do as
[Offering her hand.
## p. 13346 (#152) ##########################################
13346
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
Lady Teazle-I beg your pardon, my dear Sir Peter: indeed,
you always gave the provocation.
Sir Peter-Now, see, my angel! take care: contradicting isn't
the way to keep friends.
Lady Teazle-Then don't you begin it, my love!
Sir Peter-There now! you-you are going on. You don't
perceive, my life, that you are just doing the very thing which
you know always makes me angry.
Lady Teazle - Nay, you know if you will be angry without
any reason, my dear-
Sir Peter-There! now you want to quarrel again.
Lady Teazle-No, I'm sure I don't; but if you will be so
peevish —
Sir Peter-
There now! who begins first?
Lady Teazle-Why, you, to be sure. I said nothing-but
there's no bearing your temper.
Sir Peter-No, no, madam: the fault's in your own temper.
Lady Teazle-Ay, you are just what my cousin Sophy said
you would be.
Sir Peter-Your cousin Sophy is a forward, impertinent
gipsy.
――
--
Lady Teazle
relations.
Sir Peter-Now may all the plagues of marriage be doubled
on me, if ever I try to be friends with you any more!
Lady Teazle-So much the better.
Sir Peter-No, no, madam: 'tis evident you never cared a
pin for me, and I was a madman to marry you,-
a pert rural
coquette, that had refused half the honest 'squires in the neigh-
borhood!
You are a great bear, I am sure, to abuse my
―-
Lady Teazle - And I am sure I was a fool to marry you— an
old dangling bachelor, who was single at fifty only because he
could never meet with any one who would have him.
Sir Peter - Ay, ay, madam; but you were pleased enough to
listen to me: you never had such an offer before.
Lady Teazle-No! didn't I refuse Sir Tivy Terrier, who
everybody said would have been a better match? for his estate is
just as good as yours, and he has broke his neck since we have
been married.
―――――――
Sir Peter - I have done with you, madam! You are an un-
feeling, ungrateful-but there's an end of everything. I believe
## p. 13347 (#153) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13347
you capable of everything that is bad. Yes, madam, I now
believe the reports relative to you and Charles, madam. Yes,
madam, you and Charles are, not without grounds-
Lady Teazle-Take care, Sir Peter! you had better not in-
sinuate any such thing! I'll not be suspected without cause, I
promise you.
Sir Peter - Very well, madam! very well! A separate main-
tenance as soon as you please. Yes, madam; or a divorce! I'll
make an example of myself for the benefit of all old bachelors.
Let us separate, madam.
Lady Teazle - Agreed! agreed! And now, my dear Sir Peter,
we are of a mind once more, we may be the happiest couple,
and never differ again, you know: ha! ha! ha! Well, you are
going to be in a passion, I see, and I shall only interrupt you
so, by-by! .
[Exit.
Sir Peter-Plagues and tortures! can't I make her angry
either? Oh, I am the most miserable fellow! But I'll not bear
her presuming to keep her temper: no! she may break my heart,
but she shan't keep her temper.
[Exit.
AUCTIONING OFF ONE'S RELATIVES
From the School for Scandal'
(
[Charles Surface, an amiable but dissipated young man of fashion, has
decided to raise money for his pastimes by selling to a supposed "broker »
his last salable property, the family portraits. The purchaser of them, under
the name of "Mr. Premium," is Charles's uncle, Sir Oliver Surface; who in
disguise, desires to study his graceless nephew's character and extravagances.
The scene is the disfurnished mansion of Charles in London; and he is at
table with several friends when the feigned Mr. Premium is presented. ]
CH
HARLES SURFACE [to Sir Oliver] — Mr. Premium, my friend
Moses is a very honest fellow, but a little slow at expres-
sion: he'll be an hour giving us our titles. Mr. Premium,
the plain state of the matter is this: I am an extravagant young
fellow who wants to borrow money; you I take to be a prudent
old fellow who have got money to lend. I am blockhead enough
to give fifty per cent. sooner than not have it; and you, I pre-
sume, are rogue enough to take a hundred if you can get it.
Now, sir, you see we are acquainted at once, and may proceed to
business without further ceremony.
## p. 13348 (#154) ##########################################
13348
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
Sir Oliver - Exceeding frank, upon my word. I see, sir, you
are not a man of many compliments.
Charles - Oh no, sir! plain dealing in business I always think
best.
Sir Oliver-Sir, I like you the better for it. However, you
are mistaken in one thing: I have no money to lend, but I
believe I could procure some of a friend; but then he's an un-
conscionable dog. Isn't he, Moses? And must sell stock to
accommodate you. Mustn't he, Moses?
Moses - Yes, indeed! You know I always speak the truth,
and scorn to tell a lie!
Charles Right. People that speak truth generally do. But
these are trifles, Mr. Premium. What! I know money isn't to be
bought without paying for't!
Sir Oliver-Well, but what security could you give? You
have no land, I suppose?
Charles-Not a mole-hill, nor a twig, but what's in the
bough-pots out of the window!
Sir Oliver-Nor any stock, I presume?
Charles-Nothing but live-stock—and that only a few pointers
and ponies. But pray, Mr. Premium, are you acquainted at all
with any of my connections?
Sir Oliver Why, to say truth, I am.
Charles-Then you must know that I have a devilish rich
uncle in the East Indies-Sir Oliver Surface - from whom I have
the greatest expectations?
――――
Sir Oliver-That you have a wealthy uncle, I have heard;
but how your expectations will turn out is more, I believe, than
you can tell.
Charles-Oh, no! there can be no doubt. They tell me I'm
a prodigious favorite, and that he talks of leaving me every-
thing.
Sir Oliver - Indeed! This is the first I've heard of it.
Charles - Yes, yes, 'tis just so. Moses knows 'tis true; don't
you, Moses?
Moses-Oh, yes! I'll swear to't.
Sir Oliver [aside]-Egad, they'll persuade me presently I'm
at Bengal.
Charles-Now I propose, Mr. Premium, if it's agreeable to
you, a post-obit on Sir Oliver's life; though at the same time the
old fellow has been so liberal to me, that I give you my word I
should be very sorry to hear that anything had happened to him.
## p. 13349 (#155) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13349
Sir Oliver. Not more than I should, I assure you. But the
bond you mention happens to be just the worst security you
could offer me- for I might live to a hundred and never see the
principal.
―――
Charles-Oh yes, you would! The moment Sir Oliver dies,
you know, you would come on me for the money.
Sir Oliver - Then I believe I should be the most unwelcome
dun you ever had in your life.
Charles-What!
I suppose you're afraid that Sir Oliver is
mium?
too good a life?
Sir Oliver-No, indeed I am not; though I have heard he is
as hale and healthy as any man of his years in Christendom.
Charles-There again, now, you are misinformed. No, no:
the climate has hurt him considerably-poor Uncle Oliver. Yes,
yes, he breaks apace, I'm told-and is so much altered lately
that his nearest relations would not know him.
Sir Oliver-No! Ha! ha! ha! so much altered lately that
his nearest relations would not know him! Ha! ha!
have been so censorious; and Lady Teazle as bad as any one.
Sir Peter-That must be very distressing to you, indeed,
Mrs. Candour.
Mrs. Candour -Oh, they will allow good qualities to nobody;
not even good-nature to our friend Mrs. Pursy.
Lady Teazle - What, the fat dowager who was at Mrs. Quad-
rille's last night?
Mrs. Candour - Nay, her bulk is her misfortune; and when
she takes so much pains to get rid of it, you ought not to reflect
on her.
Lady Sneerwell-That's very true, indeed.
Lady Teazle - Yes, I know she almost lives on acids and small
whey; laces herself by pulleys; and often, in the hottest noon in
summer, you may see her on a little squat pony, with her hair
plaited up behind like a drummer's, and puffing round the Ring
on a full trot.
Mrs. Candour-I thank you, Lady Teazle, for defending her.
Sir Peter-Yes, a good defense, truly.
Mrs. Candour-Truly, Lady Teazle is as censorious as Miss
Sallow.
Crabtree - Yes; and she is a curious being to pretend to be
censorious, an awkward gawky, without any one good point
under heaven.
Mrs. Candour · Positively you shall not be so very severe.
Miss Sallow is a near relation of mine by marriage: and as for
her person, great allowance is to be made; for let me tell you, a
woman labors under many disadvantages who tries to pass for
a girl of six-and-thirty.
·
Lady Sneerwell—Though, surely, she is handsome still; and
for the weakness in her eyes, considering how much she reads
by candle-light, it is not to be wondered at.
Mrs. Candour- True; and then as to her manner: upon my
word I think it is particularly graceful, considering she never had
the least education; for you know her mother was a Welsh milli-
ner, and her father a sugar-baker at Bristol.
-
## p. 13337 (#143) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13337
Sir Benjamin-Ah! you are both of you too good-natured!
Sir Peter [aside]—Yes, damned good-natured! This their own
relation! mercy on me!
Mrs. Candour - For my part, I own I cannot bear to hear a
friend ill spoken of.
Sir Peter-No, to be sure!
Sir Benjamin-Oh! you are of a moral turn. Mrs. Candour
and I can sit for an hour and hear Lady Stucco talk sentiment.
Lady Teazle-Nay, I vow Lady Stucco is very well with the
dessert after dinner; for she's just like the French fruit one
cracks for mottoes,- made up of paint and proverb.
Mrs. Candour-Well, I will never join in ridiculing a friend;
and so I constantly tell my cousin Ogle,- and you all know what
pretensions she has to be critical on beauty.
Crabtree - Oh, to be sure! she has herself the oddest counte-
nance that ever was seen; 'tis a collection of features from all
the different countries of the globe.
Sir Benjamin-So she has, indeed-an Irish front-
Crabtree - Caledonian locks-
Sir Benjamin-Dutch nose-
Crabtree Austrian lips-
Sir Benjamin-Complexion of a Spaniard-
Crabtree - And teeth à la Chinoise-
――――――――
――――――――
-
-
――――――――――
-
Sir Benjamin-In short, her face resembles a table d'hôte at
Spa, where no two guests are of a nation —
Crabtree - Or a congress at the close of a general war,
wherein all the members, even to her eyes, appear to have a
different interest; and her nose and chin are the only parties
likely to join issue.
Mrs. Candour - Ha! ha! ha!
Sir Peter [aside] - Mercy on my life! - a person they dine
with twice a week!
Mrs. Candour-Nay, but I vow you shall not carry the laugh
off so; for give me leave to say that Mrs. Ogle —
Sir Peter Madam, madam, I beg your pardon—there's no
stopping these good gentlemen's tongues. But when I tell you,
Mrs. Candour, that the lady they are abusing is a particular
friend of mine, I hope you'll not take her part.
Lady Sneerwell-Ha! ha! ha! well said, Sir Peter! but you
are a cruel creature: too phlegmatic yourself for a jest, and too
peevish to allow wit in others.
## p. 13338 (#144) ##########################################
13338
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
Sir Peter-Ah, madam, true wit is more nearly allied to
good-nature than your Ladyship is aware of.
Lady Teazle-True, Sir Peter: I believe they are so near akin
that they can never be united.
Sir Benjamin-Or rather, suppose them man and wife, because
one seldom sees them together.
Lady Teazle-But Sir Peter is such an enemy to scandal, I
believe he would have it put down by Parliament.
Sir Peter-'Fore heaven, madam, if they were to consider the
sporting with reputation of as much importance as poaching on
manors, and pass an act for the preservation of fame as well as
game, believe many would thank them for the bill.
Lady Sneerwell-O Lud, Sir Peter! would you deprive us of
our privileges?
Sir Peter-Ay, madam; and then no person should be per-
mitted to kill characters and run down reputations but qualified.
old maids and disappointed widows.
Lady Sneerwell-Go, you monster!
Mrs. Candour-But surely, you would not be quite so severe
on those who only report what they hear?
Sir Peter-Yes, madam: I would have law-merchant for them.
too; and in all cases of slander currency, whenever the drawer
of the lie was not to be found, the injured parties should have a
right to come on any of the indorsers.
Crabtree - Well, for my part, I believe there never was a
scandalous tale without some foundation.
Lady Sneerwell-Come, ladies, shall we sit down to cards in
the next room?
Enter Servant, who whispers Sir Peter
Sir Peter-I'll be with them directly. [Exit servant. ] [Aside. ]
I'll get away unperceived.
Lady Sneerwell - Sir Peter, you are not going to leave us?
Sir Peter-Your Ladyship must excuse me: I'm called away
by particular business. But I leave my character behind me.
[Exit.
Sir Benjamin - Well - certainly, Lady Teazle, that lord of
yours is a strange being: I could tell you some stories of him
would make you laugh heartily if he were not your husband.
Lady Teazle - Oh, pray don't mind that: come, do let's hear
them.
## p. 13339 (#145) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13339
Exeunt all but Joseph Surface and Maria
Joseph Surface - Maria, I see you have no satisfaction in this
society.
Maria - How is it possible I should? If to raise malicious
smiles at the infirmities or misfortunes of those who have never
injured us be the province of wit or humor, Heaven grant me a
double portion of dullness!
Joseph Surface-Yet they appear more ill-natured than they
are: they have no malice at heart.
Maria - Then is their conduct still more contemptible; for
in my opinion, nothing could excuse the intemperance of their
tongues but a natural and uncontrollable bitterness of mind.
MATRIMONIAL FELICITY
From the School for Scandal >
Scene: A room in Sir Peter Teazle's house. Enter Sir Peter Teazle.
SIR
IR PETER — When an old bachelor marries a young wife, what
is he to expect? 'Tis now six months since Lady Teazle
made me the happiest of men - and I have been the most
miserable dog ever since. We tift a little going to church, and
fairly quarreled before the bells had done ringing. I was more
than once nearly choked with gall during the honeymoon, and
had lost all comfort in life before my friends had done wishing
me joy.
joy. Yet I chose with caution: a girl bred wholly in the
country, who never knew luxury beyond one silk gown, nor dis-
sipation above the annual gala of a race ball. Yet she now
plays her part in all the extravagant fopperies of fashion and the
town with as ready a grace as if she never had seen a bush or a
grassplot out of Grosvenor Square! I am sneered at by all my
acquaintance, and paragraphed in the newspapers. She dissipates
my fortune, and contradicts all my humors; yet the worst of it
is, I doubt I love her, or I should never bear all this. However,
I'll never be weak enough to own it.
Enter Rowley
Rowley-Oh! Sir Peter, your servant: how is it with you, sir?
Sir Peter-Very bad, Master Rowley, very bad. I meet with
nothing but crosses and vexations.
## p. 13340 (#146) ##########################################
13340
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
Rowley-What can have happened since yesterday?
Sir Peter-A good question to a married man!
Rowley-Nay, I'm sure, Sir Peter, your lady can't be the
cause of your uneasiness.
Sir Peter-Why, has anybody told you she was dead?
Rowley-Come, come, Sir Peter, you love her, notwithstand-
ing your tempers don't exactly agree.
Sir Peter-But the fault is entirely hers, Master Rowley. I
am myself the sweetest-tempered man alive, and hate a teasing
temper; and so I tell her a hundred times a day.
Rowley-Indeed!
Sir Peter-Ay; and what is very extraordinary, in all our
disputes she is always in the wrong. But Lady Sneerwell, and
the set she meets at her house, encourage the perverseness of
her disposition. Then, to complete my vexation, Maria, my
ward, whom I ought to have the power of a father over, is
determined to turn rebel too, and absolutely refuses the man
whom I have long resolved on for her husband; meaning, I sup-
pose, to bestow herself on his profligate brother.
Rowley-You know, Sir Peter, I have always taken the lib-
erty to differ with you on the subject of these two young gentle-
men. I only wish you may not be deceived in your opinion of
the elder. For Charles, my life on't! he will retrieve his errors
yet. Their worthy father, once my honored master, was at his
years nearly as wild a spark; yet when he died, he did not
leave a more benevolent heart to lament his loss.
Sir Peter-You are wrong, Master Rowley. On their father's
death, you know, I acted as a kind of guardian to them both,
till their uncle Sir Oliver's liberality gave them an early inde-
pendence; of course, no person could have more opportunities
of judging of their hearts: and I was never mistaken in my
life. Joseph is indeed a model for the young men of the age.
He is a man of sentiment, and acts up to the sentiments he
professes; but for the other, take my word for't, if he had any
grain of virtue by descent, he has dissipated it with the rest of
his inheritance. Ah! my old friend Sir Oliver will be deeply
mortified when he finds how part of his bounty has been mis-
applied.
Rowley-I am sorry to find you so violent against the young
man, because this may be the most critical period of his fortune.
I came hither with news that will surprise you.
Sir Peter-What! let me hear.
## p. 13341 (#147) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13341
Rowley - Sir Oliver is arrived, and at this moment in town.
Sir Peter How? you astonish me! I thought you did not
expect him this month.
Rowley-I did not; but his passage has been remarkably
quick.
Sir Peter-Egad, I shall rejoice to see my old friend. 'Tis
sixteen years since we met. We have had many a day together;
but does he still enjoin us not to inform his nephews of his
arrival?
―――――
-
Rowley Most strictly. He means, before it is known, to
make some trial of their dispositions.
Sir Peter-Ah! there needs no art to discover their merits-
however, he shall have his way; but pray, does he know I am
married?
―
Rowley Yes, and will soon wish you joy.
Sir Peter - What, as we drink health to a friend in a con-
sumption! Ah! Oliver will laugh at me. We used to rail at
matrimony together, but he has been steady to his text. Well,
he must be soon at my house, though: I'll instantly give orders.
for his reception. But, Master Rowley, don't drop a word that
Lady Teazle and I ever disagree.
Rowley By no means.
Sir Peter - For I should never be able to stand Noll's jokes;
so I'll have him think - Lord forgive me! -that we are a very
happy couple.
―
·
Rowley-I understand you; but then you must be very care-
ful not to differ while he is in the house with you.
Sir Peter-Egad, and so we must-and that's impossible.
Ah! Master Rowley, when an old bachelor marries a young wife,
he deserves no, the crime carries its punishment along with it.
[Exeunt.
Scene: A room in Sir Peter Teazle's house. Enter Sir Peter and Lady
Teazle.
Sir Peter-Lady Teazle, Lady Teazle, I'll not bear it.
Lady Teazle-Sir Peter, Sir Peter, you may bear it or not, as
you please; but I ought to have my own way in everything, and
what's more, I will, too. What! though I was educated in the
country, I know very well that women of fashion in London are
accountable to nobody after they are married.
## p. 13342 (#148) ##########################################
13342
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
Sir Peter-Very well, ma'am, very well: so a husband is to
have no influence, no authority?
Lady Teazle-Authority! No, to be sure. If you wanted
authority over me, you should have adopted me, and not married
me: I am sure you were old enough.
Sir Peter-Old enough! -ay, there it is. Well, well, Lady
Teazle, though my life may be made unhappy by your temper,
I'll not be ruined by your extravagance!
Lady Teazle - My extravagance! I'm sure I'm not more ex-
travagant than a woman of fashion ought to be.
Sir Peter-No, no, madam: you shall throw away no more
sums on such unmeaning luxury. 'Slife! to spend as much to
furnish your dressing-room with flowers in winter as would suf-
fice to turn the Pantheon into a greenhouse, and give a fête
champêtre at Christmas.
Lady Teazle-And am I to blame, Sir Peter, because flow-
ers are dear in cold weather? You should find fault with
the climate, and not with me. For my part, I'm sure I wish it
was spring all the year round, and that roses grew under our
feet.
Sir Peter-Oons! madam, if you had been born to this, I
shouldn't wonder at your talking thus; but you forget what your
situation was when I married you.
Lady Teazle-No, no, I don't: 'twas a very disagreeable one,
or I should never have married you.
Sir Peter-Yes, yes, madam: you were then in somewhat a
humbler style - the daughter of a plain country squire. Recol-
lect, Lady Teazle, when I saw you first sitting at your tambour,
in a pretty figured linen gown, with a bunch of keys at your
side, your hair combed smooth over a roll, and your apartment
hung round with fruits in worsted, of your own working.
Lady Teazle-Oh, yes! I remember it very well, and a curi-
ous life I led. My daily occupation to inspect the dairy, superin-
tend the poultry, make extracts from the family receipt-book, and
comb my Aunt Deborah's lapdog.
Sir Peter-Yes, yes, ma'am, 'twas so indeed.
Lady Teazle-And then you know my evening amusements!
To draw patterns for ruffles, which I had not materials to make
up; to play Pope Joan with the curate; to read a sermon to my
aunt; or to be stuck down to an old spinet to strum my father
to sleep after a fox-chase.
## p. 13343 (#149) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13343
-
Sir Peter-I am glad you have so good a memory.
Yes,
madam, these were the recreations I took you from; but now
you must have your coach-vis-à-vis — and three powdered foot-
men before your chair; and in the summer, a pair of white cats
to draw you to Kensington Gardens. No recollection, I suppose,
when you were content to ride double behind the butler, on a
docked coach-horse.
Lady Teazle - No-I swear I never did that: I deny the but-
ler and the coach-horse.
Sir Peter-This, madam, was your situation; and what have I
done for you? I have made you a woman of fashion, of fortune,
of rank,-in short, I have made you my wife.
Lady Teazle Well then, and there is but one thing more
you can make me to add to the obligation; that is-
Sir Peter- My widow, I suppose?
Lady Teazle - Hem! hem!
Sir Peter-I thank you, madam- but don't flatter yourself;
for though your ill conduct may disturb my peace of mind, it
shall never break my heart, I promise you: however, I am
equally obliged to you for the hint.
Lady Teazle-Then why will you endeavor to make your-
self so disagreeable to me, and thwart me in every little elegant
expense?
Sir Peter-'Slife, madam, I say, had you any of these little
elegant expenses when you married me?
Lady Teazle-Lud, Sir Peter! would you have me be out of
the fashion?
-
Sir Peter-The fashion, indeed! what had you to do with the
fashion before you married me?
Lady Teazle - For my part, I should think you would like to
have your wife thought a woman of taste.
Zounds! madam, you
Sir Peter-Ay-there again-taste!
had no taste when you married me!
Lady Teazle-That's very true, indeed, Sir Peter! and after
having married you, I should never pretend to taste again, I
allow. But now, Sir Peter, since we have finished our daily jan-
gle, I presume I may go to my engagement at Lady Sneerwell's.
Sir Peter-Ay, there's another precious circumstance, -a
charming set of acquaintance you have made there!
Lady Teazle-Nay, Sir Peter, they are all people of rank and
fortune, and remarkably tenacious of reputation.
## p. 13344 (#150) ##########################################
13344
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
Sir Peter - Yes, egad, they are tenacious of reputation with a
vengeance; for they don't choose anybody should have a charac-
ter but themselves! Such a crew! Ah! many a wretch has
rid on a hurdle who has done less mischief than these utterers
of forged tales, coiners of scandal, and clippers of reputation.
Lady Teazle - What, would you restrain the freedom of
speech?
Sir Peter - Ah! they have made you just as bad as any one
of the society.
Lady Teazle - Why, I believe I do bear a part with a toler-
able grace.
Sir Peter-Grace, indeed!
Lady Teazle-But I vow I bear no malice against the people
I abuse when I say an ill-natured thing, 'tis out of pure good-
humor; and I take it for granted they deal exactly in the same
manner with me. But, Sir Peter, you know you promised to
come to Lady Sneerwell's too.
Sir Peter-Well, well, I'll call in, just to look after my own.
character.
Lady Teazle Then indeed you must make haste after me,
or you'll be too late. So good-by to ye.
[Exit.
Sir Peter-So-I have gained much by my intended expos-
tulation! Yet with what a charming air she contradicts every-
thing I say, and how pleasantly she shows her contempt for
my authority! Well, though I can't make her love me, there is
great satisfaction in quarreling with her; and I think she never
appears to such advantage as when she is doing everything in
her power to plague me.
[Exit.
SIR PETER AND LADY TEAZLE AGREE TO DISAGREE
From the School for Scandal'
Sir Peter Teazle discovered: enter Lady Teazle.
L
ADY TEAZLE - Lud! Sir
reling with Maria?
humored when I am not by.
Sir Peter-Ah, Lady Teazle, you might have the power to
make me good-humored at all times.
Peter, I hope you haven't been quar-
It is not using me well to be ill-
## p. 13345 (#151) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13345
Lady Teazle-I am sure I wish I had; for I want you to be
in a charming sweet temper at this moment.
Do be good-
humored now, and let me have two hundred pounds, will you?
Sir Peter - Two hundred pounds! what, a'n't I to be in a
good humor without paying for it? But speak to me thus, and
i' faith there's nothing I could refuse you. You shall have it; but
seal me a bond for the payment.
Lady Teazle - Oh, no- - there
well.
Sir Peter-And you shall no longer reproach me with not
giving you an independent settlement. I mean shortly to sur-
prise you; but shall we always live thus, hey?
Lady Teazle-If you please. I'm sure I don't care how soon
we leave off quarreling, provided you'll own you were tired first.
Sir Peter-Well- then let our future contest be, who shall
be most obliging.
Lady Teazle-I assure you, Sir Peter, good-nature becomes
you. You look now as you did before we were married, when
you used to walk with me under the elms, and tell me stories of
what a gallant you were in your youth; and chuck me under the
chin, you would, and ask me if I thought I could love an old
fellow who would deny me nothing-didn't you?
Sir Peter - Yes, yes; and you were as kind and attentive –
Lady Teazle-Ay, so I was; and would always take your
part when my acquaintance used to abuse you, and turn you
into ridicule.
Sir Peter - Indeed!
Lady Teazle-Ay, and when my cousin Sophy has called you
a stiff, peevish old bachelor, and laughed at me for thinking of
marrying one who might be my father, I have always defended
you, and said I didn't think you so ugly by any means.
Sir Peter - Thank you.
Lady Teazle - And I dared say you'd make a very good sort
of a husband.
Sir Peter And you prophesied right; and we shall now be
the happiest couple -
Lady Teazle - And never differ again?
Sir Peter - No, never! -though at the same time, indeed, my
dear Lady Teazle, you must watch your temper very seriously;
for in all our little quarrels, my dear, if you recollect, my love,
you always began first.
XXIII-835
-
―
―――
my note of hand will do as
[Offering her hand.
## p. 13346 (#152) ##########################################
13346
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
Lady Teazle-I beg your pardon, my dear Sir Peter: indeed,
you always gave the provocation.
Sir Peter-Now, see, my angel! take care: contradicting isn't
the way to keep friends.
Lady Teazle-Then don't you begin it, my love!
Sir Peter-There now! you-you are going on. You don't
perceive, my life, that you are just doing the very thing which
you know always makes me angry.
Lady Teazle - Nay, you know if you will be angry without
any reason, my dear-
Sir Peter-There! now you want to quarrel again.
Lady Teazle-No, I'm sure I don't; but if you will be so
peevish —
Sir Peter-
There now! who begins first?
Lady Teazle-Why, you, to be sure. I said nothing-but
there's no bearing your temper.
Sir Peter-No, no, madam: the fault's in your own temper.
Lady Teazle-Ay, you are just what my cousin Sophy said
you would be.
Sir Peter-Your cousin Sophy is a forward, impertinent
gipsy.
――
--
Lady Teazle
relations.
Sir Peter-Now may all the plagues of marriage be doubled
on me, if ever I try to be friends with you any more!
Lady Teazle-So much the better.
Sir Peter-No, no, madam: 'tis evident you never cared a
pin for me, and I was a madman to marry you,-
a pert rural
coquette, that had refused half the honest 'squires in the neigh-
borhood!
You are a great bear, I am sure, to abuse my
―-
Lady Teazle - And I am sure I was a fool to marry you— an
old dangling bachelor, who was single at fifty only because he
could never meet with any one who would have him.
Sir Peter - Ay, ay, madam; but you were pleased enough to
listen to me: you never had such an offer before.
Lady Teazle-No! didn't I refuse Sir Tivy Terrier, who
everybody said would have been a better match? for his estate is
just as good as yours, and he has broke his neck since we have
been married.
―――――――
Sir Peter - I have done with you, madam! You are an un-
feeling, ungrateful-but there's an end of everything. I believe
## p. 13347 (#153) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13347
you capable of everything that is bad. Yes, madam, I now
believe the reports relative to you and Charles, madam. Yes,
madam, you and Charles are, not without grounds-
Lady Teazle-Take care, Sir Peter! you had better not in-
sinuate any such thing! I'll not be suspected without cause, I
promise you.
Sir Peter - Very well, madam! very well! A separate main-
tenance as soon as you please. Yes, madam; or a divorce! I'll
make an example of myself for the benefit of all old bachelors.
Let us separate, madam.
Lady Teazle - Agreed! agreed! And now, my dear Sir Peter,
we are of a mind once more, we may be the happiest couple,
and never differ again, you know: ha! ha! ha! Well, you are
going to be in a passion, I see, and I shall only interrupt you
so, by-by! .
[Exit.
Sir Peter-Plagues and tortures! can't I make her angry
either? Oh, I am the most miserable fellow! But I'll not bear
her presuming to keep her temper: no! she may break my heart,
but she shan't keep her temper.
[Exit.
AUCTIONING OFF ONE'S RELATIVES
From the School for Scandal'
(
[Charles Surface, an amiable but dissipated young man of fashion, has
decided to raise money for his pastimes by selling to a supposed "broker »
his last salable property, the family portraits. The purchaser of them, under
the name of "Mr. Premium," is Charles's uncle, Sir Oliver Surface; who in
disguise, desires to study his graceless nephew's character and extravagances.
The scene is the disfurnished mansion of Charles in London; and he is at
table with several friends when the feigned Mr. Premium is presented. ]
CH
HARLES SURFACE [to Sir Oliver] — Mr. Premium, my friend
Moses is a very honest fellow, but a little slow at expres-
sion: he'll be an hour giving us our titles. Mr. Premium,
the plain state of the matter is this: I am an extravagant young
fellow who wants to borrow money; you I take to be a prudent
old fellow who have got money to lend. I am blockhead enough
to give fifty per cent. sooner than not have it; and you, I pre-
sume, are rogue enough to take a hundred if you can get it.
Now, sir, you see we are acquainted at once, and may proceed to
business without further ceremony.
## p. 13348 (#154) ##########################################
13348
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
Sir Oliver - Exceeding frank, upon my word. I see, sir, you
are not a man of many compliments.
Charles - Oh no, sir! plain dealing in business I always think
best.
Sir Oliver-Sir, I like you the better for it. However, you
are mistaken in one thing: I have no money to lend, but I
believe I could procure some of a friend; but then he's an un-
conscionable dog. Isn't he, Moses? And must sell stock to
accommodate you. Mustn't he, Moses?
Moses - Yes, indeed! You know I always speak the truth,
and scorn to tell a lie!
Charles Right. People that speak truth generally do. But
these are trifles, Mr. Premium. What! I know money isn't to be
bought without paying for't!
Sir Oliver-Well, but what security could you give? You
have no land, I suppose?
Charles-Not a mole-hill, nor a twig, but what's in the
bough-pots out of the window!
Sir Oliver-Nor any stock, I presume?
Charles-Nothing but live-stock—and that only a few pointers
and ponies. But pray, Mr. Premium, are you acquainted at all
with any of my connections?
Sir Oliver Why, to say truth, I am.
Charles-Then you must know that I have a devilish rich
uncle in the East Indies-Sir Oliver Surface - from whom I have
the greatest expectations?
――――
Sir Oliver-That you have a wealthy uncle, I have heard;
but how your expectations will turn out is more, I believe, than
you can tell.
Charles-Oh, no! there can be no doubt. They tell me I'm
a prodigious favorite, and that he talks of leaving me every-
thing.
Sir Oliver - Indeed! This is the first I've heard of it.
Charles - Yes, yes, 'tis just so. Moses knows 'tis true; don't
you, Moses?
Moses-Oh, yes! I'll swear to't.
Sir Oliver [aside]-Egad, they'll persuade me presently I'm
at Bengal.
Charles-Now I propose, Mr. Premium, if it's agreeable to
you, a post-obit on Sir Oliver's life; though at the same time the
old fellow has been so liberal to me, that I give you my word I
should be very sorry to hear that anything had happened to him.
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RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13349
Sir Oliver. Not more than I should, I assure you. But the
bond you mention happens to be just the worst security you
could offer me- for I might live to a hundred and never see the
principal.
―――
Charles-Oh yes, you would! The moment Sir Oliver dies,
you know, you would come on me for the money.
Sir Oliver - Then I believe I should be the most unwelcome
dun you ever had in your life.
Charles-What!
I suppose you're afraid that Sir Oliver is
mium?
too good a life?
Sir Oliver-No, indeed I am not; though I have heard he is
as hale and healthy as any man of his years in Christendom.
Charles-There again, now, you are misinformed. No, no:
the climate has hurt him considerably-poor Uncle Oliver. Yes,
yes, he breaks apace, I'm told-and is so much altered lately
that his nearest relations would not know him.
Sir Oliver-No! Ha! ha! ha! so much altered lately that
his nearest relations would not know him! Ha! ha!
