No More Learning

The candle end that had been burning
on the table was going out and gave a faint flicker from time to time.
In a few minutes there would be complete darkness.

I was not long in coming to myself; everything came back to my mind at
once, without an effort, as though it had been in ambush to pounce upon
me again. And, indeed, even while I was unconscious a point seemed
continually to remain in my memory unforgotten, and round it my dreams
moved drearily. But strange to say, everything that had happened to me
in that day seemed to me now, on waking, to be in the far, far away
past, as though I had long, long ago lived all that down.

My head was full of fumes. Something seemed to be hovering over me,
rousing me, exciting me, and making me restless. Misery and spite seemed
surging up in me again and seeking an outlet. Suddenly I saw beside me
two wide open eyes scrutinizing me curiously and persistently. The look
in those eyes was coldly detached, sullen, as it were utterly remote; it
weighed upon me.

A grim idea came into my brain and passed all over my body, as a
horrible sensation, such as one feels when one goes into a damp and
mouldy cellar. There was something unnatural in those two eyes,
beginning to look at me only now. I recalled, too, that during those two
hours I had not said a single word to this creature, and had, in fact,
considered it utterly superfluous; in fact, the silence had for some
reason gratified me. Now I suddenly realized vividly the hideous
idea--revolting as a spider--of vice, which, without love, grossly and
shamelessly begins with that in which true love finds its consummation.
For a long time we gazed at each other like that, but she did not drop
her eyes before mine and her expression did not change, so that at last
I felt uncomfortable.

"What is your name? " I asked abruptly, to put an end to it.

"Liza," she answered almost in a whisper, but somehow far from
graciously, and she turned her eyes away.

I was silent.

"What weather! The snow . . . it's disgusting! " I said, almost to myself,
putting my arm under my head despondently, and gazing at the ceiling.

She made no answer. This was horrible.

"Have you always lived in Petersburg? " I asked a minute later, almost
angrily, turning my head slightly towards her.

"No. "

"Where do you come from? "

"From Riga," she answered reluctantly.

"Are you a German? "

"No, Russian. "

"Have you been here long? "

"Where? "

"In this house? "

"A fortnight. "

She spoke more and more jerkily. The candle went out; I could no longer
distinguish her face.

"Have you a father and mother? "

"Yes . . . no . . . I have. "

"Where are they? "

"There . . . in Riga. "

"What are they? "

"Oh, nothing. "

"Nothing? Why, what class are they? "

"Tradespeople. "

"Have you always lived with them? "

"Yes. "

"How old are you? "

"Twenty. "

"Why did you leave them? "

"Oh, for no reason. "

That answer meant "Let me alone; I feel sick, sad. "

We were silent.

God knows why I did not go away. I felt myself more and more sick and
dreary. The images of the previous day began of themselves, apart from
my will, flitting through my memory in confusion. I suddenly recalled
something I had seen that morning when, full of anxious thoughts, I was
hurrying to the office.

"I saw them carrying a coffin out yesterday and they nearly dropped it,"
I suddenly said aloud, not that I desired to open the conversation, but
as it were by accident.

"A coffin? "

"Yes, in the Haymarket; they were bringing it up out of a cellar. "

"From a cellar? "

"Not from a cellar, but from a basement. Oh, you know . . . down below . . .
from a house of ill-fame. It was filthy all round. . . . Egg-shells, litter
. . . a stench. It was loathsome. "

Silence.

"A nasty day to be buried," I began, simply to avoid being silent.

"Nasty, in what way? "

"The snow, the wet. " (I yawned. )

"It makes no difference," she said suddenly, after a brief silence.

"No, it's horrid. " (I yawned again. ) "The gravediggers must have sworn
at getting drenched by the snow. And there must have been water in the
grave. "

"Why water in the grave? " she asked, with a sort of curiosity, but
speaking even more harshly and abruptly than before.

I suddenly began to feel provoked.

"Why, there must have been water at the bottom a foot deep. You can't
dig a dry grave in Volkovo Cemetery. "

"Why? "

"Why? Why, the place is waterlogged. It's a regular marsh. So they bury
them in water. I've seen it myself . . . many times. "

(I had never seen it once, indeed I had never been in Volkovo, and had
only heard stories of it. )

"Do you mean to say, you don't mind how you die? "

"But why should I die? " she answered, as though defending herself.

"Why, some day you will die, and you will die just the same as that dead
woman. She was . . . a girl like you. She died of consumption. "

"A wench would have died in hospital. . . . " (She knows all about it
already: she said "wench," not "girl. ")

"She was in debt to her madam," I retorted, more and more provoked by
the discussion; "and went on earning money for her up to the end, though
she was in consumption. Some sledge-drivers standing by were talking
about her to some soldiers and telling them so. No doubt they knew her.
They were laughing. They were going to meet in a pot-house to drink to
her memory. "

A great deal of this was my invention. Silence followed, profound
silence. She did not stir.

"And is it better to die in a hospital? "

"Isn't it just the same? Besides, why should I die? " she added
irritably.

"If not now, a little later. "

"Why a little later? "

"Why, indeed? Now you are young, pretty, fresh, you fetch a high price.
But after another year of this life you will be very different--you will
go off. "

"In a year? "

"Anyway, in a year you will be worth less," I continued malignantly.
"You will go from here to something lower, another house; a year
later--to a third, lower and lower, and in seven years you will come to
a basement in the Haymarket. That will be if you were lucky. But it
would be much worse if you got some disease, consumption, say . . . and
caught a chill, or something or other. It's not easy to get over an
illness in your way of life. If you catch anything you may not get rid
of it. And so you would die. "

"Oh, well, then I shall die," she answered, quite vindictively, and she
made a quick movement.

"But one is sorry. "

"Sorry for whom? "

"Sorry for life. "

Silence.

"Have you been engaged to be married? Eh? "

"What's that to you? "

"Oh, I am not cross-examining you. It's nothing to me. Why are you so
cross? Of course you may have had your own troubles. What is it to me?
It's simply that I felt sorry. "

"Sorry for whom? "

"Sorry for you. "

"No need," she whispered hardly audibly, and again made a faint
movement.

That incensed me at once. What! I was so gentle with her, and she. . . .

"Why, do you think that you are on the right path? "

"I don't think anything. "

"That's what's wrong, that you don't think. Realize it while there is
still time. There still is time. You are still young, good-looking; you
might love, be married, be happy. . . . "

"Not all married women are happy," she snapped out in the rude abrupt
tone she had used at first.

"Not all, of course, but anyway it is much better than the life here.
Infinitely better. Besides, with love one can live even without
happiness. Even in sorrow life is sweet; life is sweet, however one
lives. But here what is there but . . . foulness. Phew!
"

I turned away with disgust; I was no longer reasoning coldly. I began to
feel myself what I was saying and warmed to the subject. I was already
longing to expound the cherished ideas I had brooded over in my corner.
Something suddenly flared up in me. An object had appeared before me.

"Never mind my being here, I am not an example for you. I am, perhaps,
worse than you are. I was drunk when I came here, though," I hastened,
however, to say in self-defence. "Besides, a man is no example for a
woman. It's a different thing. I may degrade and defile myself, but I am
not any one's slave. I come and go, and that's an end of it. I shake it
off, and I am a different man. But you are a slave from the start. Yes,
a slave! You give up everything, your whole freedom. If you want to
break your chains afterwards, you won't be able to: you will be more and
more fast in the snares. It is an accursed bondage. I know it. I won't
speak of anything else, maybe you won't understand, but tell me: no
doubt you are in debt to your madam? There, you see," I added, though
she made no answer, but only listened in silence, entirely absorbed,
"that's a bondage for you! You will never buy your freedom. They will
see to that. It's like selling your soul to the devil. . . . And besides
. . . perhaps I, too, am just as unlucky--how do you know--and wallow in
the mud on purpose, out of misery? You know, men take to drink from
grief; well, maybe I am here from grief. Come, tell me, what is there
good here? Here you and I . . . came together . . . just now and did not say
one word to one another all the time, and it was only afterwards you
began staring at me like a wild creature, and I at you. Is that loving?
Is that how one human being should meet another? It's hideous, that's
what it is! "

"Yes! " she assented sharply and hurriedly.

I was positively astounded by the promptitude of this "Yes. " So the same
thought may have been straying through her mind when she was staring at
me just before. So she, too, was capable of certain thoughts? "Damn it
all, this was interesting, this was a point of likeness! " I thought,
almost rubbing my hands. And indeed it's easy to turn a young soul like
that!

It was the exercise of my power that attracted me most.

She turned her head nearer to me, and it seemed to me in the darkness
that she propped herself on her arm. Perhaps she was scrutinizing me.
How I regretted that I could not see her eyes. I heard her deep
breathing.

"Why have you come here? " I asked her, with a note of authority already
in my voice.

"Oh, I don't know. "

"But how nice it would be to be living in your father's house! It's warm
and free; you have a home of your own. "

"But what if it's worse than this? "

"I must take the right tone," flashed through my mind. "I may not get
far with sentimentality. " But it was only a momentary thought. I swear
she really did interest me. Besides, I was exhausted and moody. And
cunning so easily goes hand-in-hand with feeling.

"Who denies it! " I hastened to answer. "Anything may happen. I am
convinced that some one has wronged you, and that you are more sinned
against than sinning. Of course, I know nothing of your story, but it's
not likely a girl like you has come here of her own inclination. . . . "

"A girl like me? " she whispered, hardly audibly; but I heard it.

Damn it all, I was flattering her. That was horrid. But perhaps it was a
good thing. . . . She was silent.

"See, Liza, I will tell you about myself. If I had had a home from
childhood, I shouldn't be what I am now. I often think that. However bad
it may be at home, anyway they are your father and mother, and not
enemies, strangers. Once a year at least, they'll show their love of
you. Anyway, you know you are at home. I grew up without a home; and
perhaps that's why I've turned so . . . unfeeling. "

I waited again. "Perhaps she doesn't understand," I thought, "and,
indeed, it is absurd--it's moralizing. "

"If I were a father and had a daughter, I believe I should love my
daughter more than my sons, really," I began indirectly, as though
talking of something else, to distract her attention. I must confess I
blushed.

"Why so? " she asked.

Ah! so she was listening!

"I don't know, Liza. I knew a father who was a stern, austere man, but
used to go down on his knees to his daughter, used to kiss her hands,
her feet, he couldn't make enough of her, really. When she danced at
parties he used to stand for five hours at a stretch, gazing at her. He
was mad over her: I understand that! She would fall asleep tired at
night, and he would wake to kiss her in her sleep and make the sign of
the cross over her. He would go about in a dirty old coat, he was stingy
to every one else, but would spend his last penny for her, giving her
expensive presents, and it was his greatest delight when she was pleased
with what he gave her. Fathers always love their daughters more than the
mothers do. Some girls live happily at home! And I believe I should
never let my daughters marry. "

"What next? " she said, with a faint smile.

"I should be jealous, I really should. To think that she should kiss any
one else! That she should love a stranger more than her father! It's
painful to imagine it. Of course, that's all nonsense, of course every
father would be reasonable at last. But I believe before I should let
her marry, I should worry myself to death; I should find fault with all
her suitors. But I should end by letting her marry whom she herself
loved. The one whom the daughter loves always seems the worst to the
father, you know. That is always so. So many family troubles come from
that. "

"Some are glad to sell their daughters, rather than marrying them
honourably. "

Ah, so that was it!

"Such a thing, Liza, happens in those accursed families in which there
is neither love nor God," I retorted warmly, "and where there is no
love, there is no sense either. There are such families, it's true, but
I am not speaking of them. You must have seen wickedness in your own
family, if you talk like that. Truly, you must have been unlucky. H'm!
. . . that sort of thing mostly comes about through poverty. "

"And is it any better with the gentry? Even among the poor, honest
people live happily. "

"H'm . . . yes. Perhaps. Another thing, Liza, man is fond of reckoning up
his troubles, but does not count his joys. If he counted them up as he
ought, he would see that every lot has enough happiness provided for it.
And what if all goes well with the family, if the blessing of God is
upon it, if the husband is a good one, loves you, cherishes you, never
leaves you! There is happiness in such a family! Even sometimes there is
happiness in the midst of sorrow; and indeed sorrow is everywhere. If
you marry _you will find out for yourself_. But think of the first years
of married life with one you love: what happiness, what happiness there
sometimes is in it! And indeed it's the ordinary thing. In those early
days even quarrels with one's husband end happily. Some women get up
quarrels with their husbands just because they love them. Indeed, I knew
a woman like that: she seemed to say that because she loved him, she
would torment him and make him feel it. You know that you may torment a
man on purpose through love. Women are particularly given to that,
thinking to themselves 'I will love him so, I will make so much of him
afterwards, that it's no sin to torment him a little now. ' And all in
the house rejoice in the sight of you, and you are happy and gay and
peaceful and honourable. . . . Then there are some women who are jealous.
If he went off anywhere--I knew one such woman, she couldn't restrain
herself, but would jump up at night and run off on the sly to find out
where he was, whether he was with some other woman. That's a pity. And
the woman knows herself it's wrong, and her heart fails her and she
suffers, but she loves--it's all through love. And how sweet it is to
make it up after quarrels, to own herself in the wrong or to forgive
him! And they are both so happy all at once--as though they had met
anew, been married over again; as though their love had begun afresh.
And no one, no one should know what passes between husband and wife if
they love one another. And whatever quarrels there may be between them
they ought not to call in their own mother to judge between them and
tell tales of one another. They are their own judges. Love is a holy
mystery and ought to be hidden from all other eyes, whatever happens.
That makes it holier and better. They respect one another more, and much
is built on respect. And if once there has been love, if they have been
married for love, why should love pass away? Surely one can keep it! It
is rare that one cannot keep it. And if the husband is kind and
straightforward, why should not love last? The first phase of married
love will pass, it is true, but then there will come a love that is
better still. Then there will be the union of souls, they will have
everything in common, there will be no secrets between them. And once
they have children, the most difficult times will seem to them happy, so
long as there is love and courage. Even toil will be a joy, you may deny
yourself bread for your children and even that will be a joy. They will
love you for it afterwards; so you are laying by for your future. As the
children grow up you feel that you are an example, a support for them;
that even after you die your children will always keep your thoughts and
feelings, because they have received them from you, they will take on
your semblance and likeness. So you see this is a great duty. How can it
fail to draw the father and mother nearer? People say it's a trial to
have children. Who says that? It is heavenly happiness! Are you fond of
little children, Liza? I am awfully fond of them. You know--a little
rosy baby boy at your bosom, and what husband's heart is not touched,
seeing his wife nursing his child! A plump little rosy baby, sprawling
and snuggling, chubby little hands and feet, clean tiny little nails, so
tiny that it makes one laugh to look at them; eyes that look as if they
understand everything. And while it sucks it clutches at your bosom with
its little hand, plays. When its father comes up, the child tears itself
away from the bosom, flings itself back, looks at its father, laughs, as
though it were fearfully funny and falls to sucking again. Or it will
bite its mother's breast when its little teeth are coming, while it
looks sideways at her with its little eyes as though to say, 'Look, I am
biting! ' Is not all that happiness when they are the three together,
husband, wife and child? One can forgive a great deal for the sake of
such moments. Yes, Liza, one must first learn to live oneself before one
blames others! "

"It's by pictures, pictures like that one must get at you," I thought to
myself, though I did speak with real feeling, and all at once I flushed
crimson. "What if she were suddenly to burst out laughing, what should I
do then? " That idea drove me to fury. Towards the end of my speech I
really was excited, and now my vanity was somehow wounded. The silence
continued.