No More Learning

I'm not. I'm Mrs. Buzgago. Listen!

Pendant une anne' toute entiere
Le regiment n'a pas r'paru.
Au Ministere de la Guerre
On le r'porta comme perdu.

On se r'noncait a r'trouver sa trace,
Quand un matin subitement,
On le vit r'paraitre sur la place
L'Colonel toujours en avant.

That's the way she rolls her r's. Am I like her?

HE. No, but I object when you go on like an actress and sing stuff of
that kind. Where in the world did you pick up the Chanson du Colonel? It
isn't a drawing-room song. It isn't proper.

SHE. Mrs. Buzgago taught it me. She is both drawing-room and proper, and
in another month she'll shut her drawing-room to me, and thank God she
isn't as improper as I am. Oh, Guy, Guy! I wish I was like some women
and had no scruples about--what is it Keene says? --"Wearing a corpse's
hair and being false to the bread they eat. "

HE. I am only a man of limited intelligence, and just now, very
bewildered. When you have quite finished flashing through all your moods
tell me, and I'll try to understand the last one.

SHE. Moods, Guy! I haven't any. I'm sixteen years old and you're just
twenty, and you've been waiting for two hours outside the school in the
cold. And now I've met you, and now we're walking home together. Does
that suit you, My Imperial Majesty?

HE. No. We aren't children. Why can't you be rational?

SHE. He asks me that when I'm going to commit suicide for his sake, and,
and--I don't want to be French and rave about my mother, but have I ever
told you that I have a mother, and a brother who was my pet before I
married? He's married now. Can't you imagine the pleasure that the news
of the elopement will give him? Have you any people at Home, Guy, to be
pleased with your performances?

HE. One or two. One can't make omelets without breaking eggs.

SHE (slowly). I don't see the necessity--

HE. Hah! What do you mean?

SHE. Shall I speak the truth?

HE. Under the circumstances, perhaps it would be as well.

SHE. Guy, I'm afraid.

HE. I thought we'd settled all that. What of?

SHE. Of you.

HE. Oh, damn it all! The old business! This is too had!

SHE. Of you.

HE. And what now?

SHE. What do you think of me?

HE. Beside the question altogether. What do you intend to do?

SHE. I daren't risk it. I'm afraid. If I could only cheat--

HE. A la Buzgago? No, thanks. That's the one point on which I have any
notion of Honor. I won't eat his salt and steal too. I'll loot openly or
not at all.

SHE. I never meant anything else.

HE. Then, why in the world do you pretend not to be willing to come?

SHE. It's not pretence, Guy. I am afraid.

HE. Please explain.

SHE. It can't last, Guy. It can't last. You'll get angry, and then
you'll swear, and then you'll get jealous, and then you'll mistrust
me--you do now--and you yourself will be the best reason for doubting.
And I--what shall I do? I shall be no better than Mrs. Buzgago found
out--no better than any one. And you'll know that. Oh, Guy, can't you
see?

HE. I see that you are desperately unreasonable, little woman.

SHE. There! The moment I begin to object, you get angry. What will you
do when I am only your property--stolen property? It can't be, Guy. It
can't be! I thought it could, but it can't. You'll get tired of me.

HE. I tell you I shall not. Won't anything make you understand that?

SHE. There, can't you see? If you speak to me like that now, you'll call
me horrible names later, if I don't do everything as you like. And if
you were cruel to me, Guy, where should I go--where should I go? I can't
trust you. Oh! I can't trust you!

HE. I suppose I ought to say that I can trust you. I've ample reason.

SHE. Please don't, dear. It hurts as much as if you hit me.

HE. It isn't exactly pleasant for me.

SHE. I can't help it. I wish I were dead! I can't trust you, and I don't
trust myself. Oh, Guy, let it die away and be forgotten!

HE. Too late now. I don't understand you--I won't--and I can't trust
myself to talk this evening. May I call tomorrow?

SHE. Yes. No! Oh, give me time! The day after. I get into my 'rickshaw
here and meet Him at Peliti's. You ride.

HE. I'll go on to Peliti's too. I think I want a drink. My world's
knocked about my ears and the stars are falling. Who are those brutes
howling in the Old Library?

SHE. They're rehearsing the singing-quadrilles for the Fancy Ball. Can't
you hear Mrs. Buzgago's voice? She has a solo. It's quite a new idea.
Listen.

MRS. BUZGAGO (in the Old Library, con. molt. exp. ).

See-saw! Margery Daw! Sold her bed to lie upon straw. Wasn't she a silly
slut To sell her bed and lie upon dirt?

Captain Congleton, I'm going to alter that to "flirt. " It sound better.

HE. No, I've changed my mind about the drink. Good night, little lady. I
shall see you tomorrow?

SHE. Yes. Good night, Guy. Don't be angry with me.

HE. Angry! You know I trust you absolutely. Good night and--God bless
you!

(Three seconds later. Alone. ) Hmm! I'd give something to discover
whether there's another man at the back of all this.




A SECOND-RATE WOMAN

Est fuga, volvitur rota,
On we drift; where looms the dim port?
One Two Three Four Five contribute their quota:
Something is gained if one caught but the import,
Show it us, Hugues of Saxe-Gotha.

--Master Hugues of Saxe-Gotha.

"DRESSED! Don't tell me that woman ever dressed in her life. She stood
in the middle of her room while her ayah--no, her husband--it must have
been a man--threw her clothes at her. She then did her hair with her
fingers, and rubbed her bonnet in the flue under the bed. I know she
did, as well as if I had assisted at the orgy. Who is she? " said Mrs.
Hauksbee.

"Don't! " said Mrs. Mallowe, feebly. "You make my head ache. I'm
miserable today. Stay me with fondants, comfort me with chocolates, for
I am--Did you bring anything from Peliti's? "

"Questions to begin with. You shall have the sweets when you have
answered them. Who and what is the creature?
There were at least half
a dozen men round her, and she appeared to be going to sleep in their
midst. "

"Delville," said Mrs. Mallowe, "'Shady' Delville, to distinguish her
from Mrs. Jim of that ilk. She dances as untidily as she dresses, I
believe, and her husband is somewhere in Madras. Go and call, if you are
so interested. "

"What have I to do with Shigramitish women? She merely caught my
attention for a minute, and I wondered at the attraction that a dowd
has for a certain type of man. I expected to see her walk out of her
clothes--until I looked at her eyes. "

"Hooks and eyes, surely," drawled Mrs. Mallowe.

"Don't be clever, Polly. You make my head ache. And round this hayrick
stood a crowd of men--a positive crowd! "

"Perhaps they also expected"--

"Polly, don't be Rabelaisian! "

Mrs. Mallowe curled herself up comfortably on the sofa, and turned her
attention to the sweets. She and Mrs. Hauksbee shared the same house
at Simla; and these things befell two seasons after the matter of Otis
Yeere, which has been already recorded.

Mrs. Hauksbee stepped into the veranda and looked down upon the Mall,
her forehead puckered with thought.

"Hah! " said Mrs. Hauksbee, shortly. "Indeed! "

"What is it? " said Mrs. Mallowe, sleepily.

"That dowd and The Dancing Master--to whom I object. "

"Why to The Dancing Master? He is a middle-aged gentleman, of reprobate
and romantic tendencies, and tries to be a friend of mine. "

"Then make up your mind to lose him. Dowds cling by nature, and I should
imagine that this animal--how terrible her bonnet looks from above! --is
specially clingsome. "

"She is welcome to The Dancing Master so far as I am concerned. I never
could take an interest in a monotonous liar. The frustrated aim of his
life is to persuade people that he is a bachelor. "

"0--oh! I think I've met that sort of man before. And isn't he? "

"No. He confided that to me a few days ago. Ugh! Some men ought to Be
killed. "

"What happened then? "

"He posed as the horror of horrors--a misunderstood man. Heaven knows
the femme incomprise is sad enough and had enough--but the other thing! "

"And so fat too! I should have laughed in his face. Men seldom confide
in me. How is it they come to you? "

"For the sake of impressing me with their careers in the past. Protect
me from men with confidences! "

"And yet you encourage them? "

"What can I do? They talk. I listen, and they vow that I am sympathetic.
I know I always profess astonishment even when the plot is--of the most
old possible. "

"Yes. Men are so unblushingly explicit if they are once allowed to talk,
whereas women's confidences are full of reservations and fibs, except"--

"When they go mad and babble of the Unutterabilities after a week's
acquaintance. Really, if you come to consider, we know a great deal more
of men than of our own sex. "

"And the extraordinary thing is that men will never believe it. They say
we are trying to hide something. "

"They are generally doing that on their own account. Alas! These
chocolates pall upon me, and I haven't eaten more than a dozen. I think
I shall go to sleep. "

"Then you'll get fat dear. If you took more exercise and a more
intelligent interest in your neighbors you would--"

"Be as much loved as Mrs. Hauksbee. You're a darling in many ways and I
like you--you are not a woman's woman--but why do you trouble yourself
about mere human beings? "

"Because in the absence of angels, who I am sure would be horribly dull,
men and women are the most fascinating things in the whole wide world,
lazy one. I am interested in The Dowd--I am interested in The Dancing
Master--I am interested in the Hawley Boy--and I am interested in you. "

"Why couple me with the Hawley Boy? He is your property. "

"Yes, and in his own guileless speech, I'm making a good thing out
of him. When he is slightly more reformed, and has passed his Higher
Standard, or whatever the authorities think fit to exact from him, I
shall select a pretty little girl, the Holt girl, I think, and"--here
she waved her hands airily--"'whom Mrs. Hauksbee hath joined together
let no man put asunder. ' That's all. "

"And when you have yoked May Holt with the most notorious detrimental
in Simla, and earned the undying hatred of Mamma Holt, what will you do
with me, Dispenser of the Destinies of the Universe? "

Mrs. Hauksbee dropped into a low chair in front of the fire, and, chin
in band, gazed long and steadfastly at Mrs. Mallowe.

"I do not know," she said, shaking her head, "what I shall do with you,
dear. It's obviously impossible to marry you to some one else--your
husband would object and the experiment might not be successful
after all. I think I shall begin by preventing you from--what is
it? --'sleeping on ale-house benches and snoring in the sun. '"

"Don't! I don't like your quotations. They are so rude. Go to the
Library and bring me new books. "

"While you sleep? No! If you don't come with me, I shall spread your
newest frock on my 'rickshaw-bow, and when any one asks me what I am
doing, I shall say that I am going to Phelps's to get it let out. I
shall take care that Mrs. MacNamara sees me. Put your things on, there's
a good girl. "

Mrs. Mallowe groaned and obeyed, and the two went off to the Library,
where they found Mrs. Delville and the man who went by the nickname of
The Dancing Master. By that time Mrs Mallowe was awake and eloquent.

"That is the Creature! " said Mrs Hauksbee, with the air of one pointing
out a slug in the road.

"No," said Mrs. Mallowe. "The man is the Creature. Ugh! Good-evening,
Mr. Bent. I thought you were coming to tea this evening. "

"Surely it was for tomorrow, was it not? " answered The Dancing Master.
"I understood. . . I fancied. . . I'm so sorry. . . How very unfortunate! . . . "

But Mrs. Mallowe had passed on.

"For the practiced equivocator you said he was," murmured Mrs. Hauksbee,
"he strikes me as a failure. Now wherefore should he have preferred a
walk with The Dowd to tea with us? Elective affinities, I suppose--both
grubby. Polly, I'd never forgive that woman as long as the world rolls. "

"I forgive every woman everything," said Mrs. Mallowe. "He will be a
sufficient punishment for her. What a common voice she has! "

Mrs. Delville's voice was not pretty, her carriage was even less lovely,
and her raiment was strikingly neglected. All these things Mrs. Mallowe
noticed over the top of a magazine.

"Now what is there in her? " said Mrs. Hauksbee. "Do you see what I meant
about the clothes falling off? If I were a man I would perish sooner
than be seen with that rag-bag. And yet, she has good eyes, but--oh! "

"What is it? "

"She doesn't know how to use them! On my Honor, she does not. Look! Oh
look! Untidiness I can endure, but ignorance never! The woman's a fool. "

"H'sh! She'll hear you. "

"All the women in Simla are fools. She'll think I mean some one else.
Now she's going out. What a thoroughly objectionable couple she and The
Dancing Master make! Which reminds me. Do you suppose they'll ever dance
together? "

"Wait and see. I don't envy her the conversation of The Dancing
Master--loathly man. His wife ought to be up here before long. "

"Do you know anything about him? "

"Only what he told me. It may be all a fiction. He married a girl bred
in the country, I think, and, being an honorable, chivalrous soul, told
me that he repented his bargain and sent her to her mother as often as
possible--a person who has lived in the Doon since the memory of man
and goes to Mussoorie when other people go Home. The wife is with her at
present. So he says. "

'Babies? '

"One only, but he talks of his wife in a revolting way. I hated him for
it. He thought he was being epigrammatic and brilliant. "

"That is a vice peculiar to men. I dislike him because he is generally
in the wake of some girl, disappointing the Eligibles. He will persecute
May Holt no more, unless I am much mistaken. "

"No. I think Mrs. Delville may occupy his attention for a while. "

"Do you suppose she knows that he is the head of a family? "

"Not from his lips. He swore me to eternal secrecy. Wherefore I tell
you. Don't you know that type of man? "

"Not intimately, thank goodness! As a general rule, when a man begins to
abuse his wife to me, I find that the Lord gives me wherewith to answer
him according to his folly; and we part with a coolness between us. I
laugh. "

"I'm different. I've no sense of humor. "

"Cultivate it, then. It has been my mainstay for more years than I care
to think about. A well-educated sense of Humor will save a woman when
Religion, Training, and Home influences fail; and we may all need
salvation sometimes. "

"Do you suppose that the Delville woman has humor? "

"Her dress betrays her. How can a Thing who wears her supple'ment under
her left arm have any notion of the fitness of things--much less their
folly? If she discards The Dancing Master after having once seen him
dance, I may respect her, Otherwise--

"But are we not both assuming a great deal too much, dear? You saw
the woman at Peliti's--half an hour later you saw her walking with The
Dancing Master--an hour later you met her here at the Library. "

"Still with The Dancing Master, remember. "

"Still with The Dancing Master, I admit, but why on the strength of that
should you imagine"--

"I imagine nothing. I have no imagination.