No More Learning

This is no bad News to me.
I am exceeding glad to hear you say so. I wish you may be so always. I
wish you may enjoy the same Health as long as you live. In
congratulating you, I joy myself, Thanks to Heaven for it.

_Li. _ Indeed I am very well if you are so.

_Ge. _ Well, but have you met with no Trouble all this while?

_Li. _ None but the Want of your good Company.

_Ge. _ Well, but how do you do though?

_Li. _ Well enough, finely, bravely, very well as may be, very well
indeed, happily, commodiously, no Way amiss. I enjoy rather what Health
I wish, than what I deserved, Princely, Herculean, Champion-like.

_Ge. _ I was expecting when you would say Bull-like too.

* * * * *

_Of being Ill. _

_Ge. _ Are you in good Health?

_Li. _ I wish I were. Not altogether so well as I would be. Indeed I am
so, so. Pretty well. I am as well as I can be, since I can't be so well
as I would be. As I use to be. So as it pleases God. Truly not very
well. Never worse in all my Life. As I am wont to be. I am as they use
to be who have to do with the Doctor.

_Ge. _ How do you do?

_Li. _ Not as I would do.

_Ge. _ Why truly not well, ill, very ill, in an unhappy, unprosperous,
unfavourable, bad, adverse, unlucky, feeble, dubious, indifferent, State
of Health, not at all as I would, a tolerable, such as I would not wish
even to my Enemies.

_Ge. _ You tell me a melancholy Story. Heavens forbid it. God forbid. No
more of that I pray. I wish what you say were not true. But you must be
of good Chear, you must pluck up a good Heart. A good Heart is a good
Help in bad Circumstances. You must bear up your Mind with the Hope of
better Fortune. What Distemper is it? What Sort of Disease is it? What
Distemper is it that afflicts you? What Distemper are you troubled with?

_Li. _ I can't tell, and in that my Condition is the more dangerous.

_Ge. _ That's true, for when the Disease is known, it is half cured. Have
you had the Advice of any Doctor?

_Li. _ Ay, of a great many.

_Ge. _ What do they say to your Case?

_Li. _ What the Lawyers of _Demiphon_ (in the Play) said to him. One says
one Thing, another he says another, and the third he'll consider of it.
But they all agree in this, that I am in a sad Condition.

_Ge. _ How long have you been taken with this Illness? How long have you
been ill of this Distemper? How long has this Illness seiz'd you?

_Li. _ About twenty Days more or less, almost a Month. It's now near
three Months. It seems an Age to me since I was first taken ill.

_Ge. _ But I think you ought to take care that the Distemper don't grow
upon you.

_Li. _ It has grown too much upon me already.

_Ge. _ Is it a Dropsy?

_Li. _ They say it is not.

_Ge. _ Is it a Dissentery?

_Li. _ I think not.

_Ge. _ Is it a Fever?

_Li. _ I believe it is a Kind of Fever; but a new one, as ever and anon
new ones spring up that were unknown before.

_Ge. _ There were more old ones than enough before.

_Li. _ Thus it pleases Nature to deal with us, which is a little too
severe.

_Ge. _ How often does the Fit come?

_Li. _ How often do you say? Every Day, nay every Hour indeed.

_Ge. _ O wonderful! It is a sad Affliction. How did you get this
Distemper? How do you think you came by it?

_Li. _ By Reason of Want.

_Ge. _ Why you don't use to be so superstitious as to starve yourself
with Fasting.

_Li. _ It is not Bigotry but Penury.

_Ge. _ What do you mean by Penury?

_Li. _ I mean I could get no Victuals, I believe it came by a Cold. I
fancy I got the Distemper by eating rotten Eggs. By drinking too much
Water in my Wine. This Crudity in my Stomach came by eating green
Apples.

_Ge. _ But consider whether you han't contracted this Distemper by long
and late Studying, by hard Drinking, or immoderate use of Venery? Why
don't you send for a Doctor?

_Li. _ I am afraid he should do me more Harm than good. I am afraid he
should poison me instead of curing me.

_Ge. _ You ought to chuse one that you can confide in.

_Li. _ If I must dye, I had rather dye once for all, than to be tormented
with so many Slops.

_Ge. _ Well then, be your own Doctor. If you can't trust to a Doctor,
pray God be your Physician. There have been some that have recover'd
their Health, by putting on a Dominican or a Franciscan Fryars Cowl.

_Li. _ And perhaps it had been the same Thing, if they had put on a
Whore-master's Cloak. These things have no Effect upon those that have
no Faith in 'em.

_Ge. _ Why then, believe that you may recover. Some have been cur'd by
making Vows to a Saint.

_Li. _ But I have no Dealings with Saints.

_Ge. _ Then pray to Christ that you may have Faith, and that he would be
pleased to bestow the Blessing of Health upon you.

_Li. _ I can't tell whether it would be a Blessing or no.

_Ge. _ Why, is it not a Blessing to be freed from a Distemper?

_Li. _ Sometimes it is better to dye. I ask nothing of him, but only that
he'd give me what would be best for me.

_Ge. _ Take something to purge you.

_Li. _ I am laxative enough already.

_Ge. _ Take something to make you go to Stool. You must take a Purge.

_Li. _ I ought to take something that is binding rather, for I am too
laxative.

* * * * *

_Of enquiring of a Person upon his Return_.


The ARGUMENT.

_Of interrogating a Person returning from a Journey,
concerning War, private Affairs, a Disappointment, great
Promises, a Wife Lying-in, Dangers, Losses_, &c.


_George. _ Have you had a good and prosperous Journey?

_Li. _ Pretty good; but that there is such Robbing every where.

_Ge. _ This is the Effect of War.

_Li. _ It is so, but it is a wicked one.

_Ge. _ Did you come on Foot or on Horse-back?

_Li. _ Part of the Way a Foot, Part in a Coach, Part on Horse-back, and
Part by Sea.

_Ge. _ How go Matters in _France? _

_Li. _ All's in Confusion, there's nothing but War talk'd of. What
Mischiefs they may bring upon their Enemies I know not; but this I'm
sure of, the _French_ themselves are afflicted with unexpressible
Calamities.

_Ge. _ Whence come all these tumultuary Wars?

_Li. _ Whence should they come but from the Ambition of Monarchs?

_Ge. _ But it would be more their Prudence to appease these Storms of
human Affairs.

_Li. _ Appease 'em! Ay, so they do, as the South Wind does the Sea. They
fancy themselves to be Gods, and that the World was made for their
Sakes.

_Ge. _ Nay, rather a Prince was made for the Good of the Commonwealth,
and not the Commonwealth for the Sake of the Prince.

_Li. _ Nay, there are Clergymen too, who blow up the Coals, and sound an
Alarm to these Tumults.

_Ge. _ I'd have them set in the Front of the Battel.

_Li. _ Ay, ay, but they take Care to keep out of Harm's Way.

_Ge. _ But let us leave these publick Affairs to Providence. How go your
own Matters?

_Li. _ Very well, happily, indifferently well, tolerably.

_Ge.
_ How goes it with your own Business? As you would have it?

_Li. _ Nay, better than I could have wish'd for, better than I deserve,
beyond what I could have hop'd for.

_Ge. _ Are all Things according to your Mind? Is all well? Has every
Thing succeeded?

_Li. _ It can't be worse. It is impossible it should be worse than it is.

_Ge. _ What then, han't you got what you sought for? Han't you caught the
Game you hunted?

_Li. _ Hunt! Ay, I did hunt indeed, but with very ill Success.

_Ge. _ But is there no Hope then?

_Li. _ Hope enough, but nothing else.

_Ge. _ Did the Bishop give you no Hopes?

_Li. _ Yes, whole Cart Loads, and whole Ship Loads of Hope; but nothing
else.

_Ge. _ Has he sent you nothing yet?

_Li. _ He promis'd me largely, but he has never sent me a Farthing.

_Ge. _ Then you must live in Hopes.

_Li. _ Ay, but that won't fill the Belly; they that feed upon Hope may be
said to hang, but not to live.

_Ge. _ But however then, you were the lighter for travelling, not having
your Pockets loaded.

_Li. _ I confess that, nay, and safer too; for an empty Pocket is the
best Defence in the World against Thieves; but for all that, I had
rather have the Burthen and the Danger too.

_Ge. _ You was not robb'd of any Thing by the Way, I hope?

_Li. _ Robb'd! What can you rob a Man of that has nothing? There was more
Reason for other Folks to be afraid of me, than I of them, having never
a Penny in my Pocket. I might sing and be starved all the Way I went.
Have you anything more to say?

_Ge. _ Where are you going now?

_Li. _ Strait Home, to see how all do there, whom I han't seen this long
Time.

_Ge. _ I wish you may find all well at Home.

_Li. _ I pray God I may. Has any Thing new happen'd at our House since I
went away?

_Ge. _ Nothing but only you'll find your Family bigger than it was; for
your _Catulla_ has brought you a little _Catulus_ since you have been
gone. Your Hen has laid you an Egg.

_Li. _ That's good News, I like your News, and I'll promise to give you a
Gospel for it.

_Ge. _ What Gospel? The Gospel according to St. _Matthew_?

_Li. _ No, but according to _Homer_. Here take it.

_Ge. _ Keep your Gospel to yourself, I have Stones enough at Home.

_Li. _ Don't slight my Present, it is the Eagle's Stone; It is good for
Women with Child; it is good to bring on their Labour.

_Ge. _ Say you so? Then it is a very acceptable Present to me, and I'll
endeavour to make you Amends.

_Li. _ The Amends is made already by your kind Acceptance.

_Ge. _ Nay, nothing in the World could come more seasonably, for my
Wife's Belly is up to her Mouth almost.

_Li. _ Then I'll make this Bargain with you; that if she has a Boy, you
will let me be the Godfather.

_Ge. _ Well I'll promise you that, and that you shall name it too.

_Li. _ I wish it may be for both our Good.

_Ge. _ Nay, for all our Good.

* * * * *

_MAURICE, CYPRIAN. _

_Ma. _ You are come back fatter than you used to be: You are returned
taller.

_Cy. _ But in Truth I had rather it had been wiser, or more learned.

_Ma. _ You had no Beard when you went away; but you have brought a little
one back with you. You are grown somewhat oldish since you went away.
What makes you look so pale, so lean, so wrinkled?

_Cy. _ As is my Fortune, so is the Habit of my Body.

_Ma. _ Has it been but bad then?

_Cy. _ She never is otherwise to me, but never worse in my Life than now.

_Ma. _ I am sorry for that. I am sorry for your Misfortune. But pray,
what is this Mischance?

_Cy. _ I have lost all my Money.

_Ma. _ What in the Sea?

_Cy. _ No, on Shore, before I went abroad.

_Ma. _ Where?

_Cy. _ Upon the _English_ Coast.

_Ma. _ It is well you scap'd with your Life; it is better to lose your
Money, than that; the loss of ones good Name, is worse than the Loss of
Money.

_Cy. _ My Life and Reputation are safe; but my Money is lost.

_Ma. _ The Loss of Life never can be repair'd; the Loss of Reputation
very hardly; but the Loss of Money may easily be made up one Way or
another. But how came it about?

_Cy. _ I can't tell, unless it was my Destiny. So it pleas'd God. As the
Devil would have it.

_Ma. _ Now you see that Learning and Virtue are the safest Riches; for as
they can't be taken from a Man, so neither are they burthensome to him
that carries them.

_Cy. _ Indeed you Philosophize very well; but in the mean Time I'm in
Perplexity.

* * * * *

_CLAUDIUS, BALBUS. _

_Cl. _ I am glad to see you well come Home _Balbus_.

_Ba. _ And I to see you alive _Claudius_.

_Cl. _ You are welcome Home into your own Country again.

_Ba. _ You should rather congratulate me as a Fugitive from _France_.

_Cl. _ Why so?

_Ba. _ Because they are all up in Arms there.

_Cl. _ But what have Scholars to do with Arms?

_Ba. _ But there they don't spare even Scholars.

_Cl. _ It is well you're got off safe.

_Ba. _ But I did not get off without Danger neither.

_Cl. _ You are come back quite another Man than you went away.

_Ba. _ How so?

_Cl. _ Why, of a _Dutch_ Man, you are become a _French_ Man.

_Ba. _ Why, was I a Capon when I went away?

_Cl. _ Your Dress shows that you're turn'd from a _Dutch_ Man into a
_French_ Man.

_Ba. _ I had rather suffer this Metamorphosis, than be turn'd into a Hen.
But as a Cowl does not make a Monk, so neither does a Garment a _French_
Man.

_Cl. _ Have you learn'd to speak _French? _

_Ba. _ Indifferently well.

_Cl. _ How did you learn it?

_Ba. _ Of Teachers that were no dumb ones I assure you.

_Cl. _ From whom.

_Ba. _ Of little Women, more full of Tongue, than Turtle Doves.

_Cl. _ It is easy to learn to speak in such a School. Do you pronounce
the _French_ well?

_Ba. _ Yes, that I do, and I pronounce _Latin_ after the _French_ Mode.

_Cl. _ Then you will never write good Verses.

_Ba. _ Why so?

_Cl. _ Because you'll make false Quantities.

_Ba. _ The Quality is enough for me.

_Cl. _ Is _Paris_ clear of the Plague?

_Ba. _ Not quite, but it is not continual, sometimes it abates, and anon
it returns again; sometimes it slackens, and then rages again.

_Cl. _ Is not War itself Plague enough?

_Ba. _ It is so, unless God thought otherwise.

_Cl. _ Sure Bread must be very dear there.

_Ba. _ There is a great Scarcity of it. There is a great Want of every
Thing but wicked Soldiers.