No More Learning

Charles-Every man of them, to the best bidder.
Sir Oliver-What! your great-uncles and aunts?
Charles-Ay; and my great-grandfathers and grandmothers
too.
Sir Oliver [aside] - Now I give him up! [Aloud. ] What the
plague, have you no bowels for your own kindred? Odds life!
do you take me for Shylock in the play, that you would raise
money of me on your own flesh and blood?
Charles-Nay, my little broker, don't be angry: what need
you care, if you have your money's worth?
Sir Oliver - Well, I'll be the purchaser: I think I can dispose
of the family canvas. [Aside. ] Oh, I'll never forgive him this!
never!
--
Careless-Come, Charles, what keeps you?
Charles I can't come yet. I' faith, we are going to have a
sale above-stairs; here's little Premium will buy all my ances-
tors!
Careless
Enter Careless
—
- Oh, burn your ancestors!


## p. 13351 (#157) ##########################################

RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13351
Charles No, he may do that afterwards if he pleases. Stay,
Careless, we want you: egad, you shall be auctioneer; so come
along with us.
I can handle
Careless-Oh, have with you, if that's the case.
a hammer as well as a dice-box! Going! going!
Sir Oliver [aside]-Oh, the profligates!
Charles - Come, Moses, you shall be appraiser, if we want
Gad's life, little Premium, you don't seem to like the busi-
one.
ness?
Sir Oliver -Oh, yes, I do, vastly! Ha! ha! ha! yes, yes, I
think it a rare joke to sell one's family by auction-ha! ha!
[Aside. ] Oh, the prodigal!
Charles-To be sure! when a man wants money, where the
plague should he get assistance if he can't make free with his
own relations?
[Exeunt.
Sir Oliver [aside, as they go out] - I'll never forgive him;
never! never!
Scene: A picture room in Charles Surface's house. Enter Charles Sur-
face, Sir Oliver Surface, Moses, and Careless.
Charles Walk in, gentlemen, pray walk in-here they are:
the family of the Surfaces, up to the Conquest.
Sir Oliver-And in my opinion, a goodly collection.
1
Charles-Ay, ay, these are done in the true spirit of portrait-
painting; no volontière grace or expression. Not like the works of
your modern Raphaels, who give you the strongest resemblance,
yet contrive to make your portrait independent of you; so that
you may sink the original and not hurt the picture. No, no: the
merit of these is the inveterate likeness-all stiff and awkward
as the originals, and like nothing in human nature besides.
Sir Oliver-Ah! we shall never see such figures of men
again.
-
Charles I hope not. Well, you see, Master Premium, what
a domestic character I am; here I sit of an evening surrounded
by my family. But come, get to your pulpit, Mr. Auctioneer;
here's an old gouty chair of my grandfather's will answer the
purpose.
-
Careless - Ay, ay, this will do. But, Charles, I haven't a
hammer; and what's an auctioneer without his hammer?
Charles-Egad, that's true. What parchment have we here?
Oh, our genealogy in full. [Taking the pedigree down. ] Here,


## p. 13352 (#158) ##########################################

13352
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
Careless, you shall have no common bit of mahogany: here's
the family tree for you, you rogue! This shall be your hammer,
and now you may knock down my ancestors with their own pedi-
gree.
Sir Oliver [aside] - What an unnatural rogue! -an ex post
facto parricide!
Careless- Yes, yes, here's a list of your generation indeed.
'Faith, Charles, this is the most convenient thing you could
have found for the business, for 'twill not only serve as a ham-
mer, but a catalogue into the bargain. Come, begin- A-going,
a-going, a-going!
Charles Bravo, Careless! Well, here's my great-uncle, Sir
Richard Raveline: a marvelous good general in his day, I assure
you. He served in all the Duke of Marlborough's wars, and
got that cut over his eye at the battle of Malplaquet. What say
you, Mr. Premium? Look at him—there's a hero! not cut out
of his feathers, as your modern clipped captains are, but envel-
oped in wig and regimentals, as a general should be. What do
you bid?
—
Sir Oliver [aside to Moses] - Bid him speak.
Moses Mr. Premium would have you speak.
Charles-Why, then, he shall have him for ten pounds; and
I'm sure that's not dear for a staff-officer.
――
Sir Oliver [aside] — Heaven deliver me! his famous uncle
Richard for ten pounds! [Aloud. ] Very well, sir, I take him
at that.
Charles Careless, knock down my uncle Richard. Here
now is a maiden sister of his, my great-aunt Deborah; done by
Kneller in his best manner, and esteemed a very formidable like-
ness. There she is, you see: a shepherdess feeding her flock.
You shall have her for five pounds ten,-the sheep are worth
the money.
-
Sir Oliver [aside]—Ah! poor Deborah! a woman who set
such a value on herself! [Aloud. ] Five pounds ten-she's
mine.
Charles-Knock down my aunt Deborah! Here now are two
that were a sort of cousins of theirs. You see, Moses, these
pictures were done some time ago, when beaux wore wigs, and
the ladies their own hair.
Sir Oliver - Yes, truly, head-dresses appear to have been a
little lower in those days.


## p. 13353 (#159) ##########################################

RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13353
Charles-Well, take that couple for the same.
Moses 'Tis a good bargain.
-
Charles-Careless! - This now is a grandfather of my moth-
er's; a learned judge, well known on the western circuit. What
do you rate him at, Moses?
Moses-Four guineas.
Charles-Four guineas!
―――――
Gad's life, you don't bid me the
price of his wig.
Mr. Premium, you have more respect for the
woolsack: do let us knock his Lordship down at fifteen.
Sir Oliver
By all means.
Careless-Gone!
Charles-And there are two brothers of his, William and
Walter Blunt, Esquires, both members of Parliament, and noted
speakers; and what's very extraordinary, I believe this is the
first time they were ever bought or sold.
Sir Oliver-That is very extraordinary, indeed! I'll take
them at your own price, for the honor of Parliament.
Careless-Well said, little Premium! I'll knock them down
at forty.
Charles-Here's a jolly fellow-I don't know what relation,
but he was mayor of Norwich: take him at eight pounds.
Sir Oliver - No, no: six will do for the mayor.
-
Charles-Come, make it guineas, and I'll throw you the two
aldermen there into the bargain.
Sir Oliver-They're mine.
Charles-Careless, knock down the mayor and aldermen. But
plague on't! we shall be all day retailing in this manner: do let
us deal wholesale; what say you, little Premium? Give me three
hundred pounds for the rest of the family in the lump.
Careless-Ay, ay: that will be the best way.
Sir Oliver-Well, well,-anything to accommodate you: they
are mine. But there is one portrait which you have always
passed over.
Careless-What, that ill-looking little fellow over the set-
tee?
Sir Oliver - Yes, sir, I mean that; though I don't think him
so ill-looking a little fellow, by any means.
Charles-What, that? Oh, that's my Uncle Oliver! 'Twas
done before he went to India.
Careless-Your Uncle Oliver! Gad, then you'll never be
friends, Charles. That now, to me, is as stern a looking rogue
as ever I saw; an unforgiving eye, and a damned disinheriting


## p. 13354 (#160) ##########################################

RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13354
countenance! an inveterate knave, depend on't.
so, little Premium ?
Don't you think
Sir Oliver-Upon my soul, sir, I do not: I think it is as
honest a looking face as any in the room, dead or alive. But I
suppose Uncle Oliver goes with the rest of the lumber?
Charles-No, hang it! I'll not part with poor Noll. The old
fellow has been very good to me, and egad, I'll keep his picture
while I've a room to put it in.
Sir Oliver [aside]-The rogue's my nephew after all! -
[Aloud. ] But, sir, I have somehow taken a fancy to that pict-
ure.
Charles-I'm sorry for't, for you certainly will not have it.
Oons! haven't you got enough of them?
Sir Oliver [aside]-I forgive him everything! [Aloud. ] But,
sir, when I take a whim in my head, I don't value money. I'll
give you as much for that as for all the rest.
Charles-Don't tease me, master broker: I tell you I'll not
part with it, and there's an end of it.
Sir Oliver [aside]-How like his father the dog is! [Aloud. ]
Well, well, I have done. [Aside. ] I did not perceive it before,
but I think I never saw such a striking resemblance. [Aloud. ]
Here is a draught for your sum.
Charles-Why, 'tis for eight hundred pounds!
Sir Oliver-You will not let Sir Oliver go?
Charles-Zounds! no, I tell you, once more.
Sir Oliver-Then never mind the difference: we'll balance
that another time. But give me your hand on the bargain; you
are an honest fellow, Charles-I beg pardon, sir, for being so
free. Come, Moses.
Charles-Egad, this is a whimsical old fellow! -But hark'ee,
Premium, you'll prepare lodgings for these gentlemen.
Sir Oliver - Yes, yes; I'll send for them in a day or two.
Charles-But hold,-do now send a genteel conveyance for
them; for I assure you they were most of them used to ride in
their own carriages.
Sir Oliver-I will, I will-for all but Oliver.
Charles-Ay, all but the little nabob.
Sir Oliver - You're fixed on that?
-
Charles Peremptorily.
Sir Oliver [aside] - A dear extravagant rogue! [Aloud. ]
[Aside. ] Let me hear now
who
Good-day! Come, Moses.
dares call him a profligate!
[Exit with Moses.
-
―


## p. 13355 (#161) ##########################################

RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13355
Careless-Why, this is the oddest genius of the sort I ever
met with.
Charles- Egad, he's the prince of brokers, I think. I wonder
how the devil Moses got acquainted with so honest a fellow. -
Ha! here's Rowley. -Do, Careless, say I'll join the company in a
few moments.
Careless-I will-but don't let that old blockhead persuade
you to squander any of that money on old musty debts, or any
such nonsense; for tradesmen, Charles, are the most exorbitant
fellows.
Charles - Very true; and paying them is only encouraging
them.
Careless-Nothing else.
Charles-Ay, ay, never fear. [Exit Careless. ] So! this was
an odd old fellow, indeed. Let me see: two-thirds of these five
hundred and thirty odd pounds are mine by right. 'Fore heaven!
I find one's ancestors are more valuable relations than I took
them for! - Ladies and gentlemen, your most obedient and very
grateful servant.
[Bows ceremoniously to the pictures.
THE PLEASURES OF FRIENDLY CRITICISM
From The Critic'
Scene: The lodgings of Mr. and Mrs. Dangle. Enter Servant.
- Sir Fretful Plagiary, sir.
SERVA Dangle-Beg him to walk up. [Exit Servant. ] Now,
Mrs. Dangle, Sir Fretful Plagiary is an author to your own
taste.
Mrs. Dangle-I confess he is a favorite of mine, because
everybody else abuses him.
Sneer- Very much to the credit of your charity, madam, if
not of your judgment.
Dangle - But, egad, he allows no merit to any author but
himself; that's the truth on't-though he's my friend.
Sneer - Never! He is as envious as an old maid verging on
the desperation of six-and-thirty.
Dangle-Very true, egad- though he's my friend.
Sneer-Then his affected contempt of all newspaper strict-
ures; though at the same time he is the sorest man alive, and


## p. 13356 (#162) ##########################################

13356
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
shrinks like scorched parchment from the fiery ordeal of true crit-
icism.
Dangle-There's no denying it-though he is my friend.
Sneer-You have read the tragedy he has just finished, have-
n't you?
Dangle-Oh yes: he sent it to me yesterday.
Sneer-Well, and you think it execrable, don't you?
Dangle-Why, between ourselves, egad, I must own-though
he's my friend- that it is one of the most- [Aside. ] He's
here. [Aloud]-finished and most admirable perform —
Sir Fretful [without]—Mr. Sneer with him, did you say?
-
Dangle-Ah, my dear friend! Egad, we were just speaking
of your tragedy. Admirable, Sir Fretful, admirable!
Sneer-You never did anything beyond it, Sir Fretful,-never
in your life.
Sir Fretful-You make me extremely happy; for without a
compliment, my dear Sneer, there isn't a man in the world whose
judgment I value as I do yours—and Mr. Dangle's.
Mrs. Dangle - They are only laughing at you, Sir Fretful; for
it was but just now that-
Dangle Mrs. Dangle! Ah, Sir Fretful, you know Mrs. Dan-
gle. My friend Sneer was rallying just now - he knows how she
admires you, and
Sir Fretful-O Lord, I am sure Mr. Sneer has more taste
and sincerity than to [Aside. ] A damned double-faced fel-
low!
Enter Sir Fretful
—
Dangle-Yes, yes, Sneer will jest-but a better-humored-
Sir Fretful-Oh, I know-
Dangle-He has a ready turn for ridicule; his wit costs him.
-
—
nothing.
Sir Fretful [aside] - No, egad—or I should wonder how he
came by it.
Dangle-But, Sir Fretful, have you sent your play to the
managers yet? or can I be of any service to you?
Sir Fretful-No, no, I thank you: I sent it to the manager
of Covent Garden Theatre this morning.
Sneer I should have thought, now, that it might have been
cast (as the actors call it) better at Drury Lane.


## p. 13357 (#163) ##########################################

RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13357
Sir Fretful-O Lud! no- never send a play there while I
Hark'ee!
live-
[Whispers to Sneer.
――――
Sneer-"Writes himself! " I know he does.
Sir Fretful-I say nothing-I take away from no man's
meritam hurt at no man's good fortune; I say nothing. But
this I will say,- Through all my knowledge of life, I have
observed that there is not a passion so strongly rooted in the
human heart as envy!
Sneer - I believe you have reason for what you say, indeed.
Sir Fretful-Besides, I can tell you it is not always so safe
to leave a play in the hands of those who write themselves.
Sneer-What! they may steal from them, hey, my dear Pla-
giary?
Sir Fretful-Steal! To be sure they may; and egad, serve
your best thoughts as gipsies do stolen children,—disfigure them
to make 'em pass for their own.
Sneer-But your present work is a sacrifice to Melpomene;
and he, you know, never —
Sir Fretful-That's no security. A dexterous plagiarist may
do anything. Why, sir, for aught I know, he might take out
some of the best things in my tragedy, and put them into his
own comedy.
Sneer-That might be done, I dare be sworn.
Sir Fretful-And then, if such a person gives you the least.
hint or assistance, he is devilish apt to take the merit of the
whole-
—
Dangle-If it succeeds.
Sir Fretful-Ay-but with regard to this piece, I think I
can hit that gentleman, for I can safely swear he never read it.
Sneer I'll tell you how you may hurt him more.
Sir Fretful-How?
Sneer
Swear he wrote it.
---
to me.
-
Sir Fretful-Plague on't now, Sneer, I shall take it ill. I
believe you want to take away my character as an author!
Sneer-Then I am sure you ought to be very much obliged
Sir Fretful- Hey! Sir!
Dangle-Oh, you know he never means what he says.
Sir Fretful-Sincerely, then,—you do like the piece?
Sneer-Wonderfully!


## p. 13358 (#164) ##########################################

13358
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
Sir Fretful-But come now, there must be something that
you think might be mended, hey? — Mr. Dangle, has nothing
struck you?
Dangle-Why, faith, it is but an ungracious thing, for the
most part, to —
Sir Fretful-With most authors it is just so, indeed: they
are in general strangely tenacious! But for my part, I am never
so well pleased as when a judicious critic points out any defect
to me; for what is the purpose of showing a work to a friend, if
you don't mean to profit by his opinion?
Sneer - Very true. Why then, though I seriously admire the
piece upon the whole, yet there is one small objection; which, if
you'll give me leave, I'll mention.
Sir Fretful-Sir, you can't oblige me more.
Sneer - I think it wants incident.
Sir Fretful-Good God! -you surprise me! - wants incident!
Sneer Yes: I own I think the incidents are too few.
Sir Fretful-Good God! - Believe me, Mr. Sneer, there is no
person for whose judgment I have a more implicit deference.
But I protest to you, Mr. Sneer, I am only apprehensive that the
incidents are too crowded. My dear Dangle, how does it strike
you?
―
Dangle-Really, I can't agree with my friend Sneer. I think
the plot quite sufficient; and the four first acts by many degrees
the best I ever read or saw in my life. If I might venture to
suggest anything, it is that the interest rather falls off in the
fifth.
Sir Fretful-Rises, I believe you mean, sir.
Dangle-No, I don't, upon my word.
Sir Fretful-Yes, yes, you do, upon my soul: it certainly
don't fall off, I assure you. No, no, it don't fall off.
Dangle-Now, Mrs. Dangle, didn't you say it struck you in
the same light?
Mrs. Dangle-No, indeed I did not. I did not see a fault in
any part of the play from the beginning to the end.
Sir Fretful [crossing to Mrs. Dangle] - Upon my soul, the
women are the best judges after all!
Mrs. Dangle-Or if I made any objection, I am sure it was
to nothing in the piece! but that I was afraid it was, on the
whole, a little too long.


## p. 13359 (#165) ##########################################

RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13359
Sir Fretful-Pray, madam, do you speak as to duration of
time; or do you mean that the story is tediously spun out?
Mrs. Dangle-O Lud! no. I speak only with reference to
the usual length of acting plays.
Sir Fretful-Then I am very happy-very happy indeed;
because the play is a short play-a remarkably short play. I
should not venture to differ with a lady on a point of taste; but
on these occasions, the watch, you know, is the critic.
Mrs. Dangle-Then I suppose it must have been Mr. Dangle's
drawling manner of reading it to me.
Sir Fretful-Oh, if Mr. Dangle read it, that's quite another
But I assure you, Mrs. Dangle, the first evening you can
spare me three hours and a half, I'll undertake to read you the
whole from beginning to end, with the Prologue and Epilogue,
and allow time for the music between the acts.
Mrs. Dangle-I hope to see it on the stage next. [Exit.
Dangle - Well, Sir Fretful, I wish you may be able to get
rid as easily of the newspaper criticisms as you do of ours.
―――
------
Sir Fretful-The newspapers! Sir, they are the most villain-
ous - licentious—abominable — infernal · Not that I ever read
them! no! I make it a rule never to look into a newspaper.
Dangle- You are quite right; for it certainly must hurt an
author of delicate feelings to see the liberties they take.
Sir Fretful-No! quite the contrary: their abuse is in fact
the best panegyric. I like it of all things. An author's reputa-
tion is only in danger from their support.
Sneer - Why, that's true; and that attack now on you the
other day-
-
Sir Fretful-What? where?
Dangle-Ay, you mean in a paper of Thursday: it was com-
pletely ill-natured, to be sure.
Sir Fretful-Oh, so much the better. Ha ha ha! I
wouldn't have it otherwise.
Dangle-Certainly, it is only to be laughed at; for-
Sir Fretful-You don't happen to recollect what the fellow
said, do you?
Sneer - Pray, Dangle-Sir Fretful seems a little anxious—
Sir Fretful-O Lud, no! -anxious? — not I not the least.
I But one may as well hear, you know.
Dangle - Sneer, do you recollect? [Aside. ] Make out some
thing.
―


## p. 13360 (#166) ##########################################

13360
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
Sneer [aside, to Dangle]—I will. [Aloud. ] Yes, yes, I remem-
ber perfectly.
Sir Fretful-Well, and pray now-not that it signifies - what
might the gentleman say?
Sneer- Why, he roundly asserts that you have not the slight-
est invention or original genius whatever; though you are the
greatest traducer of all other authors living.
Sir Fretful-Ha! ha! ha! Very good!
Sneer That as to comedy, you have not one idea of your
own, he believes, even in your commonplace book; where stray
jokes and pilfered witticisms are kept with as much method as
the ledger of the Lost and Stolen Office.
―
――――
Sir Fretful-Ha! ha! ha! Very pleasant!
Sneer-Nay, that you are so unlucky as not to have the skill
even to steal with taste: but that you glean from the refuse of
obscure volumes, where more judicious plagiarists have been
before you; so that the body of your work is a composition of
dregs and sediments, like a bad tavern's worst wine.
Sir Fretful-Ha! ha!
Sneer In your most serious efforts, he says, your bombast
would be less intolerable, if the thoughts were ever suited to the
expression; but the homeliness of the sentiment stares through
the fantastic incumbrance of its fine language, like a clown in
one of the new uniforms!
_______
Sir Fretful-Ha! ha!
Sneer That your occasional tropes and flowers suit the gen-
eral coarseness of your style as tambour sprigs would a ground
of linsey-woolsey; while your imitations of Shakespeare resemble
the mimicry of Falstaff's page, and are about as near the stand-
ard of the original.
Sir Fretful-Ha!
-
Sneer-In short, that even the finest passages you steal are
of no service to you, for the poverty of your own language pre-
vents their assimilating; so that they lie on the surface like
lumps of marl on a barren moor, incumbering what it is not in
their power to fertilize!
Sir Fretful [after great agitation] — Now, another person
would be vexed at this.
Sneer-Oh! but I wouldn't have told you, only to divert you.
Sir Fretful-I know it-I am diverted. Ha! ha! ha! - not
the least invention! Ha! ha! ha! Very good! very good!


## p. 13361 (#167) ##########################################

RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13361
Sneer-Yes-no genius! Ha! ha! ha!
Dangle-A severe rogue!