No More Learning

However, I knew I should go and should not pay him his wages.

That night I had the most hideous dreams. No wonder; all the evening I
had been oppressed by memories of my miserable days at school, and I
could not shake them off. I was sent to the school by distant relations,
upon whom I was dependent and of whom I have heard nothing since--they
sent me there a forlorn, silent boy, already crushed by their
reproaches, already troubled by doubt, and looking with savage distrust
at every one. My schoolfellows met me with spiteful and merciless jibes
because I was not like any of them. But I could not endure their taunts;
I could not give in to them with the ignoble readiness with which they
gave in to one another. I hated them from the first, and shut myself
away from every one in timid, wounded and disproportionate pride. Their
coarseness revolted me. They laughed cynically at my face, at my clumsy
figure; and yet what stupid faces they had themselves. In our school the
boys' faces seemed in a special way to degenerate and grow stupider. How
many fine-looking boys came to us! In a few years they became repulsive.
Even at sixteen I wondered at them morosely; even then I was struck by
the pettiness of their thoughts, the stupidity of their pursuits, their
games, their conversations. They had no understanding of such essential
things, they took no interest in such striking, impressive subjects,
that I could not help considering them inferior to myself. It was not
wounded vanity that drove me to it, and for God's sake do not thrust
upon me your hackneyed remarks, repeated to nausea, that "I was only a
dreamer," while they even then had an understanding of life. They
understood nothing, they had no idea of real life, and I swear that that
was what made me most indignant with them. On the contrary, the most
obvious, striking reality they accepted with fantastic stupidity and
even at that time were accustomed to respect success. Everything that
was just, but oppressed and looked down upon, they laughed at
heartlessly and shamefully. They took rank for intelligence; even at
sixteen they were already talking about a snug berth. Of course, a great
deal of it was due to their stupidity, to the bad examples with which
they had always been surrounded in their childhood and boyhood. They
were monstrously depraved. Of course a great deal of that, too, was
superficial and an assumption of cynicism; of course there were glimpses
of youth and freshness even in their depravity; but even that freshness
was not attractive, and showed itself in a certain rakishness. I hated
them horribly, though perhaps I was worse than any of them. They repaid
me in the same way, and did not conceal their aversion for me. But by
then I did not desire their affection: on the contrary I continually
longed for their humiliation. To escape from their derision I purposely
began to make all the progress I could with my studies and forced my way
to the very top. This impressed them. Moreover, they all began by
degrees to grasp that I had already read books none of them could read,
and understood things (not forming part of our school curriculum) of
which they had not even heard. They took a savage and sarcastic view of
it, but were morally impressed, especially as the teachers began to
notice me on those grounds. The mockery ceased, but the hostility
remained, and cold and strained relations became permanent between us.
In the end I could not put up with it: with years a craving for society,
for friends, developed in me. I attempted to get on friendly terms with
some of my schoolfellows; but somehow or other my intimacy with them was
always strained and soon ended of itself. Once, indeed, I did have a
friend. But I was already a tyrant at heart; I wanted to exercise
unbounded sway over him; I tried to instil into him a contempt for his
surroundings; I required of him a disdainful and complete break with
those surroundings. I frightened him with my passionate affection; I
reduced him to tears, to hysterics. He was a simple and devoted soul;
but when he devoted himself to me entirely I began to hate him
immediately and repulsed him--as though all I needed him for was to win
a victory over him, to subjugate him and nothing else. But I could not
subjugate all of them; my friend was not at all like them either, he
was, in fact, a rare exception. The first thing I did on leaving school
was to give up the special job for which I had been destined so as to
break all ties, to curse my past and shake the dust from off my feet. . . .
And goodness knows why, after all that, I should go trudging off to
Simonov's!

Early next morning I roused myself and jumped out of bed with
excitement, as though it were all about to happen at once. But I
believed that some radical change in my life was coming, and would
inevitably come that day. Owing to its rarity, perhaps, any external
event, however trivial, always made me feel as though some radical
change in my life were at hand. I went to the office, however, as usual,
but sneaked away home two hours earlier to get ready. The great thing, I
thought, is not to be the first to arrive, or they will think I am
overjoyed at coming. But there were thousands of such great points to
consider, and they all agitated and overwhelmed me. I polished my boots
a second time with my own hands; nothing in the world would have induced
Apollon to clean them twice a day, as he considered that it was more
than his duties required of him. I stole the brushes to clean them from
the passage, being careful he should not detect it, for fear of his
contempt. Then I minutely examined my clothes and thought that
everything looked old, worn and threadbare. I had let myself get too
slovenly. My uniform, perhaps, was tidy, but I could not go out to
dinner in my uniform. The worst of it was that on the knee of my
trousers was a big yellow stain. I had a foreboding that that stain
would deprive me of nine-tenths of my personal dignity. I knew, too,
that it was very poor to think so. "But this is no time for thinking:
now I am in for the real thing," I thought, and my heart sank. I knew,
too, perfectly well even then, that I was monstrously exaggerating the
facts. But how could I help it? I could not control myself and was
already shaking with fever. With despair I pictured to myself how coldly
and disdainfully that "scoundrel" Zverkov would meet me; with what
dull-witted, invincible contempt the blockhead Trudolyubov would look at
me; with what impudent rudeness the insect Ferfitchkin would snigger at
me in order to curry favour with Zverkov; how completely Simonov would
take it all in, and how he would despise me for the abjectness of my
vanity and lack of spirit--and, worst of all, how paltry, _unliterary_,
commonplace it would all be. Of course, the best thing would be not to
go at all. But that was most impossible of all: if I feel impelled to do
anything, I seem to be pitchforked into it. I should have jeered at
myself ever afterwards: "So you funked it, you funked it, you funked the
_real thing_! " On the contrary, I passionately longed to show all that
"rabble" that I was by no means such a spiritless creature as I seemed
to myself. What is more, even in the acutest paroxysm of this cowardly
fever, I dreamed of getting the upper hand, of dominating them, carrying
them away, making them like me--if only for my "elevation of thought and
unmistakable wit. " They would abandon Zverkov, he would sit on one side,
silent and ashamed, while I should crush him. Then, perhaps, we would be
reconciled and drink to our everlasting friendship; but what was most
bitter and most humiliating for me was that I knew even then, knew fully
and for certain, that I needed nothing of all this really, that I did
not really want to crush, to subdue, to attract them, and that I did not
care a straw really for the result, even if I did achieve it. Oh, how I
prayed for the day to pass quickly! In unutterable anguish I went to the
window, opened the movable pane and looked out into the troubled
darkness of the thickly falling wet snow. At last my wretched little
clock hissed out five. I seized my hat and trying not to look at
Apollon, who had been all day expecting his month's wages, but in his
foolishness was unwilling to be the first to speak about it, I slipt
between him and the door and jumping into a high-class sledge, on which
I spent my last half rouble, I drove up in grand style to the Hôtel de
Paris.


IV

I had been certain the day before that I should be the first to arrive.
But it was not a question of being the first to arrive. Not only were
they not there, but I had difficulty in finding our room. The table was
not laid even. What did it mean? After a good many questions I elicited
from the waiters that the dinner had been ordered not for five, but for
six o'clock. This was confirmed at the buffet too. I felt really ashamed
to go on questioning them. It was only twenty-five minutes past five. If
they changed the dinner hour they ought at least to have let me
know--that is what the post is for, and not to have put me in an absurd
position in my own eyes and . . . and even before the waiters. I sat down;
the servant began laying the table; I felt even more humiliated when he
was present. Towards six o'clock they brought in candles, though there
were lamps burning in the room. It had not occurred to the waiter,
however, to bring them in at once when I arrived. In the next room two
gloomy, angry-looking persons were eating their dinners in silence at
two different tables. There was a great deal of noise, even shouting, in
a room further away; one could hear the laughter of a crowd of people,
and nasty little shrieks in French: there were ladies at the dinner. It
was sickening, in fact. I rarely passed more unpleasant moments, so much
so that when they did arrive all together punctually at six I was
overjoyed to see them, as though they were my deliverers, and even
forgot that it was incumbent upon me to show resentment.

Zverkov walked in at the head of them; evidently he was the leading
spirit. He and all of them were laughing; but, seeing me, Zverkov drew
himself up a little, walked up to me deliberately with a slight, rather
jaunty bend from the waist. He shook hands with me in a friendly, but
not over-friendly, fashion, with a sort of circumspect courtesy like
that of a General, as though in giving me his hand he were warding off
something. I had imagined, on the contrary, that on coming in he would
at once break into his habitual thin, shrill laugh and fall to making
his insipid jokes and witticisms. I had been preparing for them ever
since the previous day, but I had not expected such condescension, such
high-official courtesy. So, then, he felt himself ineffably superior to
me in every respect! If he only meant to insult me by that high-official
tone, it would not matter, I thought--I could pay him back for it one
way or another. But what if, in reality, without the least desire to be
offensive, that sheepshead had a notion in earnest that he was superior
to me and could only look at me in a patronizing way? The very
supposition made me gasp.

"I was surprised to hear of your desire to join us," he began, lisping
and drawling, which was something new. "You and I seem to have seen
nothing of one another. You fight shy of us. You shouldn't. We are not
such terrible people as you think. Well, anyway, I am glad to renew our
acquaintance. "

And he turned carelessly to put down his hat on the window.

"Have you been waiting long? " Trudolyubov inquired.

"I arrived at five o'clock as you told me yesterday," I answered aloud,
with an irritability that threatened an explosion.

"Didn't you let him know that we had changed the hour? " said Trudolyubov
to Simonov.

"No, I didn't. I forgot," the latter replied, with no sign of regret,
and without even apologizing to me he went off to order the _hors
d'oeuvres_.

"So you've been here a whole hour? Oh, poor fellow! " Zverkov cried
ironically, for to his notions this was bound to be extremely funny.
That rascal Ferfitchkin followed with his nasty little snigger like a
puppy yapping. My position struck him, too, as exquisitely ludicrous and
embarrassing.

"It isn't funny at all! " I cried to Ferfitchkin, more and more
irritated. "It wasn't my fault, but other people's. They neglected to
let me know. It was . . . it was . . . it was simply absurd. "

"It's not only absurd, but something else as well," muttered
Trudolyubov, naïvely taking my part. "You are not hard enough upon it.
It was simply rudeness--unintentional, of course. And how could Simonov
. . . h'm! "

"If a trick like that had been played on me," observed Ferfitchkin, "I
should. . . . "

"But you should have ordered something for yourself," Zverkov
interrupted, "or simply asked for dinner without waiting for us. "

"You will allow that I might have done that without your permission," I
rapped out. "If I waited, it was. . . . "

"Let us sit down, gentlemen," cried Simonov, coming in. "Everything is
ready; I can answer for the champagne; it is capitally frozen. . . . You
see, I did not know your address, where was I to look for you? " he
suddenly turned to me, but again he seemed to avoid looking at me.
Evidently he had something against me. It must have been what happened
yesterday.

All sat down; I did the same. It was a round table. Trudolyubov was on
my left, Simonov on my right. Zverkov was sitting opposite, Ferfitchkin
next to him, between him and Trudolyubov.

"Tell me, are you . . . in a government office? " Zverkov went on attending
to me. Seeing that I was embarrassed he seriously thought that he ought
to be friendly to me, and, so to speak, cheer me up.

"Does he want me to throw a bottle at his head? " I thought, in a fury.
In my novel surroundings I was unnaturally ready to be irritated.

"In the N---- office," I answered jerkily, with my eyes on my plate.

"And ha-ave you a go-od berth? I say, what ma-a-de you leave your
original job? "

"What ma-a-de me was that I wanted to leave my original job," I drawled
more than he, hardly able to control myself. Ferfitchkin went off into a
guffaw. Simonov looked at me ironically. Trudolyubov left off eating and
began looking at me with curiosity.

Zverkov winced, but he tried not to notice it.

"And the remuneration? "

"What remuneration? "

"I mean, your sa-a-lary? "

"Why are you cross-examining me? " However, I told him at once what my
salary was. I turned horribly red.

"It is not very handsome," Zverkov observed majestically.

"Yes, you can't afford to dine at cafés on that," Ferfitchkin added
insolently.

"To my thinking it's very poor," Trudolyubov observed gravely.

"And how thin you have grown! How you have changed! " added Zverkov, with
a shade of venom in his voice, scanning me and my attire with a sort of
insolent compassion.

"Oh, spare his blushes," cried Ferfitchkin, sniggering.

"My dear sir, allow me to tell you I am not blushing," I broke out at
last; "do you hear? I am dining here, at this café, at my own expense,
not at other people's--note that, Mr. Ferfitchkin. "

"Wha-at? Isn't every one here dining at his own expense? You would seem
to be. . . .
" Ferfitchkin flew out at me, turning as red as a lobster, and
looking me in the face with fury.

"Tha-at," I answered, feeling I had gone too far, "and I imagine it
would be better to talk of something more intelligent. "

"You intend to show off your intelligence, I suppose? "

"Don't disturb yourself, that would be quite out of place here. "

"Why are you clacking away like that, my good sir, eh? Have you gone out
of your wits in your office? "

"Enough, gentlemen, enough! " Zverkov cried, authoritatively.

"How stupid it is! " muttered Simonov.

"It really is stupid. We have met here, a company of friends, for a
farewell dinner to a comrade and you carry on an altercation," said
Trudolyubov, rudely addressing himself to me alone. "You invited
yourself to join us, so don't disturb the general harmony. "

"Enough, enough! " cried Zverkov. "Give over, gentlemen, it's out of
place. Better let me tell you how I nearly got married the day before
yesterday. . . . "

And then followed a burlesque narrative of how this gentleman had almost
been married two days before. There was not a word about the marriage,
however, but the story was adorned with generals, colonels and
kammer-junkers, while Zverkov almost took the lead among them. It was
greeted with approving laughter; Ferfitchkin positively squealed.

No one paid any attention to me, and I sat crushed and humiliated.

"Good Heavens, these are not the people for me! " I thought. "And what a
fool I have made of myself before them! I let Ferfitchkin go too far,
though. The brutes imagine they are doing me an honour in letting me sit
down with them. They don't understand that it's an honour to them and
not to me! I've grown thinner! My clothes! Oh, damn my trousers! Zverkov
noticed the yellow stain on the knee as soon as he came in. . . . But
what's the use! I must get up at once, this very minute, take my hat and
simply go without a word . . . with contempt! And to-morrow I can send a
challenge. The scoundrels! As though I cared about the seven roubles.
They may think. . . . Damn it! I don't care about the seven roubles. I'll
go this minute! "

Of course I remained. I drank sherry and Lafitte by the glassful in my
discomfiture. Being unaccustomed to it, I was quickly affected. My
annoyance increased as the wine went to my head. I longed all at once to
insult them all in a most flagrant manner and then go away. To seize the
moment and show what I could do, so that they would say, "He's clever,
though he is absurd," and . . . and . . . in fact, damn them all!

I scanned them all insolently with my drowsy eyes. But they seemed to
have forgotten me altogether. They were noisy, vociferous, cheerful.
Zverkov was talking all the time. I began listening. Zverkov was talking
of some exuberant lady whom he had at last led on to declaring her love
(of course, he was lying like a horse), and how he had been helped in
this affair by an intimate friend of his, a Prince Kolya, an officer in
the hussars, who had three thousand serfs.

"And yet this Kolya, who has three thousand serfs, has not put in an
appearance here to-night to see you off," I cut in suddenly.

For a minute every one was silent. "You are drunk already. " Trudolyubov
deigned to notice me at last, glancing contemptuously in my direction.
Zverkov, without a word, examined me as though I were an insect. I
dropped my eyes. Simonov made haste to fill up the glasses with
champagne.

Trudolyubov raised his glass, as did every one else but me.

"Your health and good luck on the journey! " he cried to Zverkov. "To old
times, to our future, hurrah! "

They all tossed off their glasses, and crowded round Zverkov to kiss
him. I did not move; my full glass stood untouched before me.

"Why, aren't you going to drink it? " roared Trudolyubov, losing patience
and turning menacingly to me.

"I want to make a speech separately, on my own account . . . and then I'll
drink it, Mr. Trudolyubov. "

"Spiteful brute! " muttered Simonov. I drew myself up in my chair and
feverishly seized my glass, prepared for something extraordinary, though
I did not know myself precisely what I was going to say.

"_Silence! _" cried Ferfitchkin. "Now for a display of wit! "

Zverkov waited very gravely, knowing what was coming.

"Mr. Lieutenant Zverkov," I began, "let me tell you that I hate phrases,
phrasemongers and men in corsets . . . that's the first point, and there
is a second one to follow it. "

There was a general stir.

"The second point is: I hate ribaldry and ribald talkers. Especially
ribald talkers! The third point: I love justice, truth and honesty. " I
went on almost mechanically, for I was beginning to shiver with horror
myself and had no idea how I came to be talking like this. "I love
thought, Monsieur Zverkov; I love true comradeship, on an equal footing
and not. . . . H'm . . . I love. . . . But, however, why not? I will drink your
health, too, Mr. Zverkov. Seduce the Circassian girls, shoot the enemies
of the fatherland and . . . and . . . to your health, Monsieur Zverkov! "

Zverkov got up from his seat, bowed to me and said:

"I am very much obliged to you. " He was frightfully offended and turned
pale.

"Damn the fellow! " roared Trudolyubov, bringing his fist down on the
table.

"Well, he wants a punch in the face for that," squealed Ferfitchkin.

"We ought to turn him out," muttered Simonov.

"Not a word, gentlemen, not a movement! " cried Zverkov solemnly,
checking the general indignation. "I thank you all, but I can show him
for myself how much value I attach to his words. "

"Mr. Ferfitchkin, you will give me satisfaction to-morrow for your words
just now! " I said aloud, turning with dignity to Ferfitchkin.

"A duel, you mean? Certainly," he answered. But probably I was so
ridiculous as I challenged him and it was so out of keeping with my
appearance that everyone, including Ferfitchkin, was prostrate with
laughter.

"Yes, let him alone, of course! He is quite drunk," Trudolyubov said
with disgust.

"I shall never forgive myself for letting him join us," Simonov muttered
again.

"Now is the time to throw a bottle at their heads," I thought to myself.
I picked up the bottle . . . and filled my glass. . . . "No, I'd better sit
on to the end," I went on thinking; "you would be pleased, my friends if
I went away. Nothing will induce me to go. I'll go on sitting here and
drinking to the end, on purpose, as a sign that I don't think you of the
slightest consequence. I will go on sitting and drinking, because this
is a public-house and I paid my entrance money. I'll sit here and drink,
for I look upon you as so many pawns, as inanimate pawns. I'll sit here
and drink . . . and sing if I want to, yes, sing, for I have the right to
. . . to sing. . . . H'm! "

But I did not sing. I simply tried not to look at any of them. I assumed
most unconcerned attitudes and waited with impatience for them to speak
_first_. But alas, they did not address me! And oh, how I wished, how I
wished at that moment to be reconciled to them! It struck eight, at last
nine. They moved from the table to the sofa. Zverkov stretched himself
on a lounge and put one foot on a round table. Wine was brought there.
He did, as a fact, order three bottles on his own account. I, of course,
was not invited to join them. They all sat round him on the sofa. They
listened to him, almost with reverence. It was evident that they were
fond of him. "What for? What for? " I wondered. From time to time they
were moved to drunken enthusiasm and kissed each other. They talked of
the Caucasus, of the nature of true passion, of snug berths in the
service, of the income of an hussar called Podharzhevsky, whom none of
them knew personally, and rejoiced in the largeness of it, of the
extraordinary grace and beauty of a Princess D. , whom none of them had
ever seen; then it came to Shakespeare's being immortal.

I smiled contemptuously and walked up and down the other side of the
room, opposite the sofa, from the table to the stove and back again. I
tried my very utmost to show them that I could do without them, and yet
I purposely made a noise with my boots, thumping with my heels. But it
was all in vain. They paid no attention. I had the patience to walk up
and down in front of them from eight o'clock till eleven, in the same
place, from the table to the stove and back again. "I walk up and down
to please myself and no one can prevent me. " The waiter who came into
the room stopped, from time to time, to look at me. I was somewhat giddy
from turning round so often; at moments it seemed to me that I was in
delirium. During those three hours I was three times soaked with sweat
and dry again. At times, with an intense, acute pang I was stabbed to
the heart by the thought that ten years, twenty years, forty years would
pass, and that even in forty years I would remember with loathing and
humiliation those filthiest, most ludicrous, and most awful moments of
my life. No one could have gone out of his way to degrade himself more
shamelessly, and I fully realized it, fully, and yet I went on pacing up
and down from the table to the stove.