The Goddess straightway
nodded assent, and he was well; and now he is their Theodorus, or indeed
their manifest Artemidorus.
nodded assent, and he was well; and now he is their Theodorus, or indeed
their manifest Artemidorus.
Lucian
Nothing, I think,
could be more reasonable than the request he made of Demetrius, which
was, to reserve his decision till he had witnessed his performance, which
he undertook to go through without the assistance of flute or song. He
was as good as his word. The time-beaters, the flutes, even the chorus,
were ordered to preserve a strict silence; and the pantomime, left to his
own resources, represented the loves of Ares and Aphrodite, the tell-tale
Sun, the craft of Hephaestus, his capture of the two lovers in the net,
the surrounding Gods, each in his turn, the blushes of Aphrodite, the
embarrassment of Ares, his entreaties,--in fact the whole story.
Demetrius was ravished at the spectacle; nor could there be higher praise
than that with which he rewarded the performer. 'Man,' he shrieked at the
top of his voice, 'this is not seeing, but hearing and seeing, both:'tis
as if your hands were tongues! '
And before we leave Nero's times, I must tell you of the high tribute
paid to the art by a foreigner of the royal family of Pontus, who was
visiting the Emperor on business, and had been among the spectators of
this same pantomime. So convincing were the artist's gestures, as to
render the subject intelligible even to one who (being half a Greek)
could not follow the vocal accompaniment. When he was about to return to
his country, Nero, in taking leave of him, bade him choose what present
he would have, assuring him that his request should not be refused. 'Give
me,' said the Pontian, 'your great pantomime; no gift could delight me
more. ' 'And of what use can he be to you in Pontus? ' asked the Emperor.
'I have foreign neighbours, who do not speak our language; and it is not
easy to procure interpreters. Your pantomime could discharge that office
perfectly, as often as required, by means of his gesticulations. ' So
profoundly had he been impressed with the extraordinary clearness of
pantomimic representation.
The pantomime is above all things an actor: that is his first aim, in the
pursuit of which (as I have observed) he resembles the orator, and
especially the composer of 'declamations,' whose success, as the
pantomime knows, depends like his own upon verisimilitude, upon the
adaptation of language to character: prince or tyrannicide, pauper or
farmer, each must be shown with the peculiarities that belong to him. I
must give you the comment of another foreigner on this subject. Seeing
five masks laid ready--that being the number of parts in the piece--and
only one pantomime, he asked who were going to play the other parts. He
was informed that the whole piece would be performed by a single actor.
'Your humble servant, sir,' cries our foreigner to the artist; 'I observe
that you have but one body: it had escaped me, that you possessed several
souls. '
The term 'pantomime,' which was introduced by the Italian Greeks, is an
apt one, and scarcely exaggerates the artist's versatility. 'Oh boy,'
cries the poet, in a beautiful passage,
As that sea-beast, whose hue
With each new rock doth suffer change,
So let thy mind free range
Through ev'ry land, shaping herself anew.
Most necessary advice, this, for the pantomime, whose task it is to
identify himself with his subject, and make himself part and parcel of
the scene that he enacts. It is his profession to show forth human
character and passion in all their variety; to depict love and anger,
frenzy and grief, each in its due measure. Wondrous art! --on the same
day, he is mad Athamas and shrinking Ino; he is Atreus, and again he is
Thyestes, and next Aegisthus or Aerope; all one man's work.
Other entertainments of eye or ear are but manifestations of a single
art: 'tis flute or lyre or song; 'tis moving tragedy or laughable comedy.
The pantomime is all-embracing in the variety of his equipment: flute and
pipe, beating foot and clashing cymbal, melodious recitative, choral
harmony. Other arts call out only one half of a man's powers--the bodily
or the mental: the pantomime combines the two. His performance is as much
an intellectual as a physical exercise: there is meaning in his
movements; every gesture has its significance; and therein lies his chief
excellence. The enlightened Lesbonax of Mytilene called pantomimes
'manual philosophers,' and used to frequent the theatre, in the
conviction that he came out of it a better man than he went in. And
Timocrates, his teacher, after accidentally witnessing a pantomimic
performance, exclaimed: 'How much have I lost by my scrupulous devotion
to philosophy! ' I know not what truth there may be in Plato's analysis of
the soul into the three elements of spirit, appetite, and reason: but
each of the three is admirably illustrated by the pantomime; he shows us
the angry man, he shows us the lover, and he shows us every passion under
the control of reason; this last--like touch among the senses--is all-
pervading. Again, in his care for beauty and grace of movement, have we
not an illustration of the Aristotelian principle, which makes beauty a
third part of Good? Nay, I once heard some one hazard a remark, to the
effect that the philosophy of Pantomime went still further, and that in
the _silence_ of the characters a Pythagorean doctrine was shadowed
forth.
All professions hold out some object, either of utility or of pleasure:
Pantomime is the only one that secures both these objects; now the
utility that is combined with pleasure is doubled in value. Who would
choose to look on at a couple of young fellows spilling their blood in a
boxing-match, or wrestling in the dust, when he may see the same subject
represented by the pantomime, with the additional advantages of safety
and elegance, and with far greater pleasure to the spectator? The
vigorous movements of the pantomime--turn and twist, bend and spring--
afford at once a gratifying spectacle to the beholder and a wholesome
training to the performer; I maintain that no gymnastic exercise is its
equal for beauty and for the uniform development of the physical powers,
--of agility, suppleness, and elasticity, as of solid strength.
Consider then the universality of this art: it sharpens the wits, it
exercises the body, it delights the spectator, it instructs him in the
history of bygone days, while eye and ear are held beneath the spell of
flute and cymbal and of graceful dance. Would you revel in sweet song?
Nowhere can you procure that enjoyment in greater variety and perfection.
Would you listen to the clear melody of flute and pipe? Again the
pantomime supplies you. I say nothing of the excellent moral influence of
public opinion, as exercised in the theatre, where you will find the
evil-doer greeted with execration, and his victim with sympathetic tears.
The pantomime's most admirable quality I have yet to mention,--his
combination of strength and suppleness of limb; it is as if brawny
Heracles and soft Aphrodite were presented to us in one and the same
person.
I now propose to sketch out the mental and physical qualifications
necessary for a first-rate pantomime. Most of the former, indeed, I have
already mentioned: he must have memory, sensibility, shrewdness, rapidity
of conception, tact, and judgement; further, he must be a critic of
poetry and song, capable of discerning good music and rejecting bad. For
his body, I think I may take the Canon of Polyclitus as my model. He must
be perfectly proportioned: neither immoderately tall nor dwarfishly
short; not too fleshy (a most unpromising quality in one of his
profession) nor cadaverously thin. Let me quote you certain comments of
the people of Antioch, who have a happy knack in expressing their views
on such subjects. They are a most intelligent people, and devoted to
Pantomime; each individual is all eyes and ears for the performance; not
a word, not a gesture escapes them. Well, when a small man came on in the
character of Hector, they cried out with one voice: 'Here is Astyanax;
and where is Hector? ' On another occasion, an exceedingly tall man was
taking the part of Capaneus scaling the walls of Thebes; 'Step over'
suggested the audience; 'you need no ladder. ' The well-meant activity of
a fat and heavy dancer was met with earnest entreaties to 'spare the
platform'; while a thin performer was recommended to 'take care of his
health. ' I mention these criticisms, not on account of their humorous
character, but as an illustration of the profound interest that whole
cities have sometimes taken in Pantomime, and of their ability to discern
its merits and demerits.
Another essential for the pantomime is ease of movement. His frame must
be at once supple and well-knit, to meet the opposite requirements of
agility and firmness. That he is no stranger to the science of the
boxing--and the wrestling-ring, that he has his share of the athletic
accomplishments of Hermes and Pollux and Heracles, you may convince
yourself by observing his renderings of those subjects. The eyes,
according to Herodotus, are more credible witnesses than the ears; though
the pantomime, by the way, appeals to both kinds of evidence.
Such is the potency of his art, that the amorous spectator is cured of
his infirmity by perceiving the evil effects of passion, and he who
enters the theatre under a load of sorrow departs from it with a serene
countenance, as though he had drunk of that draught of forgetfulness
That lulls all pain and wrath.
How natural is his treatment of his subjects, how intelligible to every
one of his audience, may be judged from the emotion of the house whenever
anything is represented that calls for sorrow or compassion. The Bacchic
form of Pantomime, which is particularly popular in Ionia and Pontus, in
spite of its being confined to satyric subjects has taken such possession
of those peoples, that, when the Pantomime season comes round in each
city, they leave all else and sit for whole days watching Titans and
Corybantes, Satyrs and neat-herds. Men of the highest rank and position
are not ashamed to take part in these performances: indeed, they pride
themselves more on their pantomimic skill than on birth and ancestry and
public services.
Now that we know what are the qualities that a good pantomime ought to
possess, let us next consider the faults to which he is liable.
Deficiencies of person I have already handled; and the following I think
is a fair statement of their mental imperfections. Pantomimes cannot all
be artists; there are plenty of ignorant performers, who bungle their
work terribly. Some cannot adapt themselves to their music; they are
literally 'out of tune'; rhythm says one thing, their feet another.
Others are free from this fault, but jumble up their chronology. I
remember the case of a man who was giving the birth of Zeus, and Cronus
eating his own children: seduced by the similarity of subject, he ran off
into the tale of Atreus and Thyestes. In another case, Semele was just
being struck by the lightning, when she was transformed into Creusa, who
was not even born at that time. Still, it seems to me that we have no
right to visit the sins of the artist upon the art: let us recognize him
for the blunderer that he is, and do justice to the accuracy and skill of
competent performers.
The fact is, the pantomime must be completely armed at every point. His
work must be one harmonious whole, perfect in balance and proportion,
self-consistent, proof against the most minute criticism; there must be
no flaws, everything must be of the best; brilliant conception, profound
learning, above all human sympathy. When every one of the spectators
identifies himself with the scene enacted, when each sees in the
pantomime as in a mirror the reflection of his own conduct and feelings,
then, and not till then, is his success complete. But let him reach that
point, and the enthusiasm of the spectators becomes uncontrollable, every
man pouring out his whole soul in admiration of the portraiture that
reveals him to himself. Such a spectacle is no less than a fulfilment of
the oracular injunction KNOW THYSELF; men depart from it with increased
knowledge; they have learnt something that is to be sought after,
something that should be eschewed.
But in Pantomime, as in rhetoric, there can be (to use a popular phrase)
too much of a good thing; a man may exceed the proper bounds of
imitation; what should be great may become monstrous, softness may be
exaggerated into effeminacy, and the courage of a man into the ferocity
of a beast. I remember seeing this exemplified in the case of an actor of
repute. In most respects a capable, nay, an admirable performer, some
strange fatality ran him a-ground upon this reef of over-enthusiasm. He
was acting the madness of Ajax, just after he has been worsted by
Odysseus; and so lost control of himself, that one might have been
excused for thinking his madness was something more than feigned. He tore
the clothes from the back of one of the iron-shod time-beaters, snatched
a flute from the player's hands, and brought it down in such trenchant
sort upon the head of Odysseus, who was standing by enjoying his triumph,
that, had not his cap held good, and borne the weight of the blow, poor
Odysseus must have fallen a victim to histrionic frenzy. The whole house
ran mad for company, leaping, yelling, tearing their clothes. For the
illiterate riffraff, who knew not good from bad, and had no idea of
decency, regarded it as a supreme piece of acting; and the more
intelligent part of the audience, realizing how things stood, concealed
their disgust, and instead of reproaching the actor's folly by silence,
smothered it under their plaudits; they saw only too clearly that it was
not Ajax but the pantomime who was mad. Nor was our spirited friend
content till he had distinguished himself yet further: descending from
the stage, he seated himself in the senatorial benches between two
consulars, who trembled lest he should take one of them for a ram and
apply the lash. The spectators were divided between wonder and amusement;
and some there were who suspected that his ultra-realism had culminated
in reality. However, it seems that when he came to his senses again he
bitterly repented of this exploit, and was quite ill from grief,
regarding his conduct as that of a veritable madman, as is clear from his
own words. For when his partisans begged him to repeat the performance,
he recommended another actor for the part of Ajax, saying that 'it was
enough for him to have been mad once. ' His mortification was increased by
the success of his rival, who, though a similar part had been written for
him, played it with admirable judgement and discretion, and was
complimented on his observance of decorum, and of the proper bounds of
his art.
I hope, my dear Crato, that this cursory description of the Pantomime may
mitigate your wrath against its devoted admirer. If you can bring
yourself to bear me company to the theatre, you will be captivated; you
will run Pantomime-mad. I shall have no occasion to exclaim, with Circe,
Strange, that my drugs have wrought no change in thee!
The change will come; but will not involve an ass's head, nor a pig's
heart, but only an improved understanding. In your delight at the potion,
you will drain it off, and leave not a drop for any one else. Homer says,
of the golden wand of Hermes, that with it he
charms the eyes of men,
When so he will, and rouses them that sleep.
So it is with Pantomime. It charms the eyes-to wakefulness; and quickens
the mental faculties at every turn.
_Cr_. Enough, Lycinus: behold your convert! My eyes and ears are
opened. When next you go to the theatre, remember to take a seat for me
next your own. I too would issue from those doors a wiser man.
LEXIPHANES
_Lycinus. Lexiphanes. Sopolis_
_Ly_. What, our exquisite with his essay?
_Lex_. Ah, Lycinus, 'tis but a fledgeling of mine; 'tis all
incondite.
_Ly_. O ho, conduits--that is your subject, is it?
_Lex_. You mistake me; I said nothing of conduits; you are behind the
times; incondite--'tis the word we use now when a thing lacks the
finishing touches. But you are the deaf adder that stoppeth her ears.
_Ly_. I beg your pardon, my dear fellow; but conduit, incondite, you
know. Well now, what is the idea of your piece?
_Lex_. A symposium, a modest challenge to the son of Ariston.
_Ly_. There are a good many sons of Aristons; but, from the symposium, I
presume you mean Plato.
_Lex_. You take me; what I said could fit no other.
_Ly_. Well, come, read me a little of it; do not send me away thirsty; I
see there is nectar in store.
_Lex_. Ironist, avaunt! And now open your ears to my charming; adder me no
adders.
_Ly_. Go ahead; I am no Adam, nor Eve either.
_Lex_. Have an eye to my conduct of the discourse, whether it be fair in
commencement, fair in speech, fair in diction, fair in nomenclature.
_Ly_. Oh, we know what to expect from Lexiphanes. But come, begin.
_Lex_. _'Then to dinner,' quoth Callicles, 'then to our post-prandial
deambulation in the Lyceum; but now 'tis time for our parasolar unction,
ere we bask and bathe and take our nuncheon; go we our way. Now, boy,
strigil and mat, towels and soap; transport me them bathwards, and
see to the bath-penny; you will find it a-ground by the chest. And thou,
Lexiphanes, comest thou, or tarriest here? ' 'Its a thousand years,'
quoth I, 'till I bathe; for I am in no comfort, with sore posteriors from
my mule-saddle. Trod the mule-man as on eggs, yet kept his beast a-moving.
And when I got to the farm, still no peace for the wicked. I found the
hinds shrilling the harvest-song, and there were persons burying my
father, I think it was. I just gave them a hand with the grave and things,
and then I left them; it was so cold, and I had prickly heat; one does,
you know, in a hard frost. So I went round the plough-lands; and there I
found garlic growing, delved radishes, culled chervil and all herbs,
bought parched barley, and (for not yet had the meadows reached the
redolency that tempts the ten toes)-so to mule-back again; whence this
tenderness behind. And now I walk with pain, and the sweat runs down; my
bones languish, and yearn for the longest of water-swims; 'tis ever my joy
to wash me after toil.
I will speed back to my boy; 'tis like he waits for me at the pease-
puddingry, or the curiosity shop; yet stay; his instructions were to meet
me at the frippery. Ah, hither comes he in the nick of time: ay, and has
purchased a beesting-pudding and girdle-cakes and leeks, sausages and
steak, dewlap and tripe and collops. --Good, Atticion, you have made most
of my journey no thoroughfare. ' 'Why, sir, I have been looking round the
corner for you till I squint. Where dined you yesterday? with
Onomacritus? ' 'God bless me, no. I was off to the country; hey presto!
and there we were. You know how I dote on the country. I suppose you all
thought I was making the glasses ring. Now go in, and spice all these
things, and scour the kneading-trough, ready to shred the lettuces. I
shall be of for a dry rub. '
'We are with you,' cried Philinus, 'Onomarchus, Hellanicus, and I; the
dial's mid point is in shadow; beware, or we shall bathe in the
Carimants' water, huddled and pushed by the vulgar herd. ' Then said
Hellanicus: 'Ah, and my eyes are disordered; my pupils are turbid, I wink
and blink, the tears come unbidden, my eyes crave the ophthalmic leech's
healing drug, mortar-brayed and infused, that they may blush and blear no
more, nor moistly peer. '
In such wise conversing, all our company departed. Arrived at the
gymnasium, we stripped; the finger-wrench, the garotte, the standing-
grip, each had its votaries; one oiled and suppled his joints; another
punched the bladder; a third heaved and swung the dumb-bells. Then, when
we had rubbed ourselves, and ridden pick-a-back, and had our sport of the
gymnasium, we took our plunge, Philinus and I, in the warm basin, and
departed. But the rest dipped frigid heads, soused in, and swam
subaqueous, a wonder to behold. Then back we came, and one here, one
there, did this and that. Shod, with toothed comb I combed me. For I had
had a short crop, not to convict-measure, but saucer-wise, deflation
having set in on crown and chin-tip. One chewed lupines, another cleared
his fasting throat, a third took fish soup on radish-wafer sippets; this
ate olives, that supped down barley.
When it was dinner-time, we took it reclining, both chairs and couches
standing ready. A joint-stock meal it was, and the contributions many and
various. Pigs' pettitoes, ribs of beef, paunch and pregnant womb of sow,
fried liver lobe, garlic paste, sauce piquante, mayonnaise, and so on;
pastry, ramequins, and honey-cakes. In the aquatic line, much of the
cartilaginous, of the testaceous much; many a salt slice, basket-hawked,
eels of Copae, fowls of the barn-door, a cock past crowing-days, and fish
to keep him company; add to these a sheep roast whole, and ox's rump of
toothless eld. The loaves were firsts, no common stuff, and therewithal
remainders from the new moon; vegetables both radical and excrescent. For
the wine, 'twas of no standing, but came from the skin; its sweetness was
gone, but its roughness remained.
On the dolphin-foot table stood divers store of cups; the eye-shutter,
the ladle, slender-handled, genuine Mentor; crane-neck and gurgling
bombyl; and many an earth-born child of Thericlean furnace, the wide-
mouthed, the kindly-lipped; Phocaean, Cnidian work, but all light as air,
and thin as eggshell; bowls and pannikins and posied cups; oh, 'twas a
well-stocked sideboard.
But the kettle boiled over, and sent the ashes flying about our heads. It
was bumpers and no heeltaps, and we were full to the throat. Then to the
nard; and enter to us guitar and light fantastic toe. Thereafter, one
shinned up the ladder, on post-prandial japery intent, another beat the
devil's tattoo, a third writhed cachinnatory.
At this moment broke in upon us from the bath, all uninvited, Megalonymus
the attorney, Chaereas the goldsmith, striped back and all, and the
bruiser Eudemus. I asked them what they were about to come so late. Quoth
Chaereas; 'I was working a locket and ear-rings and bangles for my
daughter; that is why I come after the fair. ' 'I was otherwise engaged,'
said Megalonymus; 'know you not that it was a lawless day and a dumb? So,
as it was linguistice, there was truce to my calendarial clockings and
plea-mensurations. But hearing the governor was giving a warm reception,
I took my shiniest clothes, fresh from the tailor, and my unmatched
shoes, and showed myself out.
'The first I met were a torch-bearer, a hierophant, and others of the
initiated, haling Dinias before the judge, and protesting that he had
called them by their names, though he well knew that, from the time of
their sanctification, they were nameless, and no more to be named but by
hallowed names; so then he appealed to me. ' 'Dinias? ' I put in; 'Who is
Dinias? ' 'Oh, he's a dance-for-your-supper carry-your-luggage rattle-
your-patter gaming-house sort of man; eschews the barber, and takes care
of his poor chest and toes. ' 'Well,' said I, 'paid he the penalty in some
wise, or showed a clean pair of heels? ' 'Our delicate goer is now fast
bound. The governor, regardless of his retiring disposition, slipped him
on a pair of bracelets and a necklace, and brought him acquainted with
stocks and boot. The poor worm quaked for fear, and could not contain
himself, and offered money, if so he might save his soul alive. '
'As for me,' said Eudemus, 'I was sent for in the gloaming by Damasias,
the athlete many-victoried of yore, now pithless from age; you know him
in bronze in the market. He was busy with roast and boiled. He was this
day to exdomesticate his daughter, and was decking her out for her
husband, when a baleful incident occurred, which cleft the feast in
twain. For Dion his son, on grievance unknown, if it were not rather the
hostility of Heaven, hanged himself; and be sure he was a dead man, had I
not been there, and dislocated and loosed him from his implication. Long
time I squatted a-knee, pricking and rocking, and sounding him, to see
whether his throat was still whole. What profited most was compressure of
the extremities with both my hands. '
'What, Dion the effeminate, the libertine, the debauchee, the mastich-
chewer, the too susceptible to amorous sights? ' 'Yes; the lecher and
whore-master. Well, Damasias fell down and worshipped the Goddess (they
have an Artemis by Scopas in the middle of the court), he and his old
white-headed wife, and implored her compassion.
The Goddess straightway
nodded assent, and he was well; and now he is their Theodorus, or indeed
their manifest Artemidorus. So they made offerings to her, among them
darts and bows and arrows; for these are acceptable in her sight; bow-
woman she, far-dartress, telepolemic'
'Let us drink, then' said Megalonymus; 'here have I brought you a flagon
of antiquated wine, with cream cheese and windfall olives--I keep them
under seal, and the seals are worm-eaten--and others brine-steeped, and
these fictile cups, thin-edged, firm-based, that we might drink
therefrom, and a pasty of tripe rolled like a top-knot. --Now, you sir,
pour me in some more water; if my head begins to ache, I shall be sending
for your master to talk to you. --You know, gentlemen, what megrims I get,
and what a numskull mine is. After drinking, we will chirp a little as is
our wont; 'tis not amiss to prate in one's cups'
'So be it,' quoth I; 'we are the very pink and perfection of the true
Attic' 'Done with you! ' says Callicles, 'frequent quizzings are a
whetstone of conversation' 'For my part,' cries Eudemus, '--it grows
chill--I like my liquor stronger, and more of it; I am deathly cold; if I
could get some warmth into me, I had rather listen to these light-
fingered gentry of flute and lyre. ' 'What is this you say, Eudemus? ' says
I; 'You would exact mutation from us? are we so hard-mouthed, so
untongued? For my tongue, 'tis garriturient. I was just getting under
way, and making ready to hail you with a fine old Attic shower. 'Tis as
if a three-master were sailing before the breeze, with stay-sails wind-
bellied, scudding along wave-skimming, and you should throw out two-
tongued anchorage and iron stoppers and ship-fetters, and block her
foaming course, in envy of her fair-windedness. ' 'Why then, if you will,
splash and dash and crash through the waves; and I upsoaring, and
drinking the while, will watch like Homer's Zeus from some bald-crowned
hill or from Heaven-top, while you and your ship are swept along with the
wind behind you. '_
_Ly_. Thanks, Lexiphanes; enough of drink and reading. I assure you
I am full beyond my capacity as it is; if I do not succeed in quickly
unloading my stomach of what you have put into it, there is not a doubt I
shall go raving mad under the intoxication of your exuberant verbosity.
At first I was inclined to be amused; but there is such a lot of it, and
all just alike; I pity you now, poor misguided one, trapped in your
endless maze, sick unto death, a prey to melancholia.
Where in the world can you have raked up all this rubbish from? How long
has it taken you? Or what sort of a hive could ever keep together such a
swarm of lop-sided monstrosities? Of some you are the proud creator, the
rest you have dug up from dark lurking-places, till 'tis
Curse on you, piling woe on mortal woe!
How have you gathered all the minor sewers into one cloaca maxima, and
discharged the whole upon my innocent head! Have you never a friend or
relation or well-wisher? Did you never meet a plain-dealer to give you a
dose of candour? That would have cured you. You are dropsical, man; you
are like to burst with it; and you take it for muscular healthy
stoutness; you are congratulated only by the fools who do not see what is
the matter; the instructed cannot help being sorry for you.
But here in good time comes Sopolis; we will put you in the good doctor's
hands, tell him all about it, and see if anything can be done for you. He
is a clever man; he has taken many a helpless semi-lunatic like you in
hand and dosed him into sanity. --Good day, Sopolis. Lexiphanes here is a
friend of mine, you know. Now I want you to undertake his case; he
is afflicted with a delirious affection of the vocal organs, and I fear
a complete breakdown. Pray take measures to cure him.
_Lex_. Heal him, not me, Sopolis; he is manifestly moon-struck; persons
duly pia-matered he accounts beside their five wits; he might come from
Samos and call Mnesarchus father; for he enjoins silence and linguinanity.
But by the unabashed Athene, by Heracles the beast-killer, no jot or
tittle of notice shall he have from me. 'Tis my foreboding that I fall not
in with him again. For his censures, I void my rheum upon them.
_Sop_. What is the matter with him, Lycinus?
_Ly_. Why, _this_ is the matter; don't you hear? He leaves us his
contemporaries, and goes a thousand years off to talk to us, which he
does by aid of these tongue-gymnastics and extraordinary compounds--
prides himself upon it, too, as if it were a great thing to disguise
yourself, and mutilate the conversational currency.
_Sop_. Well, to be sure, this is a serious case; we must do all we
can for him. Providentially, here is an emetic I had just mixed for a
bilious patient; here, Lexiphanes, drink it off; the other man can wait;
let us purge you of this vocal derangement, and get you a clean bill of
health. Come along, down with it; you will feel much easier.
_Lex_. I know not what you would be at, you and Lycinus, with your
drenches; I fear me you are more like to end than mend my speech.
_Ly_. Drink, quick; it will make a man of you in thought and word.
_Lex_. Well, if I must. Lord, what is this? How it rumbles! I must have
swallowed a ventriloquist.
_Sop_. Now, let it come. Look, look! Here comes _in sooth, anon_ follows,
close upon them _quoth he, withal, sirrah, I trow,_ and a general
sprinkling of _sundry_. But try again; tickle your throat; that will help.
_Hard, by_ has not come up yet, nor _a-weary_, nor _rehearse_, nor
_quandary_. Oh, there are lots of them lurking yet, a whole stomachful. It
would be well to get rid of some of them by purging; there should be an
impressive explosion when _orotundity_ makes its windy exit. However, he
is pretty well cleaned out, except for what may be left in the lower
bowels. Lycinus, I shall now leave him in your charge; teach him better
ways, and tell him what are the right words to use.
_Ly_. I will, Sopolis; and thank you for clearing the way. Now,
Lexiphanes, listen to me. If you want sincere commendations upon your
style, and success with popular audiences, give a wide berth to that sort
of stuff. Make a beginning with the great poets, read them with some one
to help you, then go on to the orators, and when you have assimilated
their vocabulary, proceed in due time to Thucydides and Plato, not
forgetting a thorough course also of pleasant Comedy and grave Tragedy.
When you have culled the best that all these can show, you may reckon
that you have a style. You have not realized it, but at present you are
like the toymen's dolls, all gaudy colouring outside, and inside, fragile
clay.
If you will take this advice, put up for a little while with being called
uneducated, and not be ashamed to mend your ways, you may face an
audience without a tremor; you will not then be a laughing-stock any
more; the cultivated will no longer exercise their irony upon you and
nickname you the Hellene and the Attic just because you are less
intelligible than many barbarians. But above all things, do bear in mind
not to ape the worst tricks of the last generation's professors; you are
always nibbling at their wares; put your foot upon them once for all, and
take the ancients for your model. And no dallying with unsubstantial
flowers of speech; accustom yourself, like the athletes, to solid food.
And let your devotions be paid to the Graces and to Lucidity, whom you
have so neglected.
Further, put a stopper on bombast and grandiloquence and mannerism; be
neither supercilious nor overbearing; cease to carp at other people's
performances and to count their loss your gain. And then, perhaps the
greatest of all your errors is this: instead of arranging your matter
first, and then elaborating the diction, you find some out-of-the-way
word, or are captivated by one of your own invention, and try to build up
your meaning round it; if you cannot get it in somehow or other, though
it may have nothing to do with the matter, you are inconsolable; do you
remember the _mobled queen_ you let off the other day? It was quite
off the point, and you did not know what it meant yourself; however, its
oddness tickled the ears of the ignorant many; as for the cultivated,
they were equally amused at you and at your admirers.
Again, could anything be more ludicrous than for one who claims to be a
purist, drawing from the undefiled fountain of antiquity, to mix in
(though indeed that reverses the proportion) expressions that would be
impossible to the merest schoolboy? I felt as if I should like the earth
to swallow me up, when I heard you talk of a man's _chemise_, and use
_valet_ of a woman; who does not know that a man wears a shirt, and that a
valet is male? But you abound in far more flagrant blunders than these: I
have _chidden_, not _chode_ you; we do not _write_ a friend, we _write to_
him; we say _'onest_, not _honest_; these usages of yours cannot claim
even alien rights among us. Moreover, we do not like even poetry to read
like the dictionary. But the sort of poetry to which your prose
corresponds would be Dosiadas's _Altar_, Lycophron's _Alexandra_, or any
more pestilent pedantry that may happen to exist. If you take the pains to
unlearn all this, you will have done the best you can for yourself. If you
let yourself be seduced by your sweet baits again, I have at least put in
my word of warning, and you will have only yourself to blame when you find
yourself on the downward path.
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Title: Works, V3
Author: Lucian of Samosata
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THE WORKS OF LUCIAN OF SAMOSATA
Complete with exceptions specified in the preface
TRANSLATED BY
H. W.
could be more reasonable than the request he made of Demetrius, which
was, to reserve his decision till he had witnessed his performance, which
he undertook to go through without the assistance of flute or song. He
was as good as his word. The time-beaters, the flutes, even the chorus,
were ordered to preserve a strict silence; and the pantomime, left to his
own resources, represented the loves of Ares and Aphrodite, the tell-tale
Sun, the craft of Hephaestus, his capture of the two lovers in the net,
the surrounding Gods, each in his turn, the blushes of Aphrodite, the
embarrassment of Ares, his entreaties,--in fact the whole story.
Demetrius was ravished at the spectacle; nor could there be higher praise
than that with which he rewarded the performer. 'Man,' he shrieked at the
top of his voice, 'this is not seeing, but hearing and seeing, both:'tis
as if your hands were tongues! '
And before we leave Nero's times, I must tell you of the high tribute
paid to the art by a foreigner of the royal family of Pontus, who was
visiting the Emperor on business, and had been among the spectators of
this same pantomime. So convincing were the artist's gestures, as to
render the subject intelligible even to one who (being half a Greek)
could not follow the vocal accompaniment. When he was about to return to
his country, Nero, in taking leave of him, bade him choose what present
he would have, assuring him that his request should not be refused. 'Give
me,' said the Pontian, 'your great pantomime; no gift could delight me
more. ' 'And of what use can he be to you in Pontus? ' asked the Emperor.
'I have foreign neighbours, who do not speak our language; and it is not
easy to procure interpreters. Your pantomime could discharge that office
perfectly, as often as required, by means of his gesticulations. ' So
profoundly had he been impressed with the extraordinary clearness of
pantomimic representation.
The pantomime is above all things an actor: that is his first aim, in the
pursuit of which (as I have observed) he resembles the orator, and
especially the composer of 'declamations,' whose success, as the
pantomime knows, depends like his own upon verisimilitude, upon the
adaptation of language to character: prince or tyrannicide, pauper or
farmer, each must be shown with the peculiarities that belong to him. I
must give you the comment of another foreigner on this subject. Seeing
five masks laid ready--that being the number of parts in the piece--and
only one pantomime, he asked who were going to play the other parts. He
was informed that the whole piece would be performed by a single actor.
'Your humble servant, sir,' cries our foreigner to the artist; 'I observe
that you have but one body: it had escaped me, that you possessed several
souls. '
The term 'pantomime,' which was introduced by the Italian Greeks, is an
apt one, and scarcely exaggerates the artist's versatility. 'Oh boy,'
cries the poet, in a beautiful passage,
As that sea-beast, whose hue
With each new rock doth suffer change,
So let thy mind free range
Through ev'ry land, shaping herself anew.
Most necessary advice, this, for the pantomime, whose task it is to
identify himself with his subject, and make himself part and parcel of
the scene that he enacts. It is his profession to show forth human
character and passion in all their variety; to depict love and anger,
frenzy and grief, each in its due measure. Wondrous art! --on the same
day, he is mad Athamas and shrinking Ino; he is Atreus, and again he is
Thyestes, and next Aegisthus or Aerope; all one man's work.
Other entertainments of eye or ear are but manifestations of a single
art: 'tis flute or lyre or song; 'tis moving tragedy or laughable comedy.
The pantomime is all-embracing in the variety of his equipment: flute and
pipe, beating foot and clashing cymbal, melodious recitative, choral
harmony. Other arts call out only one half of a man's powers--the bodily
or the mental: the pantomime combines the two. His performance is as much
an intellectual as a physical exercise: there is meaning in his
movements; every gesture has its significance; and therein lies his chief
excellence. The enlightened Lesbonax of Mytilene called pantomimes
'manual philosophers,' and used to frequent the theatre, in the
conviction that he came out of it a better man than he went in. And
Timocrates, his teacher, after accidentally witnessing a pantomimic
performance, exclaimed: 'How much have I lost by my scrupulous devotion
to philosophy! ' I know not what truth there may be in Plato's analysis of
the soul into the three elements of spirit, appetite, and reason: but
each of the three is admirably illustrated by the pantomime; he shows us
the angry man, he shows us the lover, and he shows us every passion under
the control of reason; this last--like touch among the senses--is all-
pervading. Again, in his care for beauty and grace of movement, have we
not an illustration of the Aristotelian principle, which makes beauty a
third part of Good? Nay, I once heard some one hazard a remark, to the
effect that the philosophy of Pantomime went still further, and that in
the _silence_ of the characters a Pythagorean doctrine was shadowed
forth.
All professions hold out some object, either of utility or of pleasure:
Pantomime is the only one that secures both these objects; now the
utility that is combined with pleasure is doubled in value. Who would
choose to look on at a couple of young fellows spilling their blood in a
boxing-match, or wrestling in the dust, when he may see the same subject
represented by the pantomime, with the additional advantages of safety
and elegance, and with far greater pleasure to the spectator? The
vigorous movements of the pantomime--turn and twist, bend and spring--
afford at once a gratifying spectacle to the beholder and a wholesome
training to the performer; I maintain that no gymnastic exercise is its
equal for beauty and for the uniform development of the physical powers,
--of agility, suppleness, and elasticity, as of solid strength.
Consider then the universality of this art: it sharpens the wits, it
exercises the body, it delights the spectator, it instructs him in the
history of bygone days, while eye and ear are held beneath the spell of
flute and cymbal and of graceful dance. Would you revel in sweet song?
Nowhere can you procure that enjoyment in greater variety and perfection.
Would you listen to the clear melody of flute and pipe? Again the
pantomime supplies you. I say nothing of the excellent moral influence of
public opinion, as exercised in the theatre, where you will find the
evil-doer greeted with execration, and his victim with sympathetic tears.
The pantomime's most admirable quality I have yet to mention,--his
combination of strength and suppleness of limb; it is as if brawny
Heracles and soft Aphrodite were presented to us in one and the same
person.
I now propose to sketch out the mental and physical qualifications
necessary for a first-rate pantomime. Most of the former, indeed, I have
already mentioned: he must have memory, sensibility, shrewdness, rapidity
of conception, tact, and judgement; further, he must be a critic of
poetry and song, capable of discerning good music and rejecting bad. For
his body, I think I may take the Canon of Polyclitus as my model. He must
be perfectly proportioned: neither immoderately tall nor dwarfishly
short; not too fleshy (a most unpromising quality in one of his
profession) nor cadaverously thin. Let me quote you certain comments of
the people of Antioch, who have a happy knack in expressing their views
on such subjects. They are a most intelligent people, and devoted to
Pantomime; each individual is all eyes and ears for the performance; not
a word, not a gesture escapes them. Well, when a small man came on in the
character of Hector, they cried out with one voice: 'Here is Astyanax;
and where is Hector? ' On another occasion, an exceedingly tall man was
taking the part of Capaneus scaling the walls of Thebes; 'Step over'
suggested the audience; 'you need no ladder. ' The well-meant activity of
a fat and heavy dancer was met with earnest entreaties to 'spare the
platform'; while a thin performer was recommended to 'take care of his
health. ' I mention these criticisms, not on account of their humorous
character, but as an illustration of the profound interest that whole
cities have sometimes taken in Pantomime, and of their ability to discern
its merits and demerits.
Another essential for the pantomime is ease of movement. His frame must
be at once supple and well-knit, to meet the opposite requirements of
agility and firmness. That he is no stranger to the science of the
boxing--and the wrestling-ring, that he has his share of the athletic
accomplishments of Hermes and Pollux and Heracles, you may convince
yourself by observing his renderings of those subjects. The eyes,
according to Herodotus, are more credible witnesses than the ears; though
the pantomime, by the way, appeals to both kinds of evidence.
Such is the potency of his art, that the amorous spectator is cured of
his infirmity by perceiving the evil effects of passion, and he who
enters the theatre under a load of sorrow departs from it with a serene
countenance, as though he had drunk of that draught of forgetfulness
That lulls all pain and wrath.
How natural is his treatment of his subjects, how intelligible to every
one of his audience, may be judged from the emotion of the house whenever
anything is represented that calls for sorrow or compassion. The Bacchic
form of Pantomime, which is particularly popular in Ionia and Pontus, in
spite of its being confined to satyric subjects has taken such possession
of those peoples, that, when the Pantomime season comes round in each
city, they leave all else and sit for whole days watching Titans and
Corybantes, Satyrs and neat-herds. Men of the highest rank and position
are not ashamed to take part in these performances: indeed, they pride
themselves more on their pantomimic skill than on birth and ancestry and
public services.
Now that we know what are the qualities that a good pantomime ought to
possess, let us next consider the faults to which he is liable.
Deficiencies of person I have already handled; and the following I think
is a fair statement of their mental imperfections. Pantomimes cannot all
be artists; there are plenty of ignorant performers, who bungle their
work terribly. Some cannot adapt themselves to their music; they are
literally 'out of tune'; rhythm says one thing, their feet another.
Others are free from this fault, but jumble up their chronology. I
remember the case of a man who was giving the birth of Zeus, and Cronus
eating his own children: seduced by the similarity of subject, he ran off
into the tale of Atreus and Thyestes. In another case, Semele was just
being struck by the lightning, when she was transformed into Creusa, who
was not even born at that time. Still, it seems to me that we have no
right to visit the sins of the artist upon the art: let us recognize him
for the blunderer that he is, and do justice to the accuracy and skill of
competent performers.
The fact is, the pantomime must be completely armed at every point. His
work must be one harmonious whole, perfect in balance and proportion,
self-consistent, proof against the most minute criticism; there must be
no flaws, everything must be of the best; brilliant conception, profound
learning, above all human sympathy. When every one of the spectators
identifies himself with the scene enacted, when each sees in the
pantomime as in a mirror the reflection of his own conduct and feelings,
then, and not till then, is his success complete. But let him reach that
point, and the enthusiasm of the spectators becomes uncontrollable, every
man pouring out his whole soul in admiration of the portraiture that
reveals him to himself. Such a spectacle is no less than a fulfilment of
the oracular injunction KNOW THYSELF; men depart from it with increased
knowledge; they have learnt something that is to be sought after,
something that should be eschewed.
But in Pantomime, as in rhetoric, there can be (to use a popular phrase)
too much of a good thing; a man may exceed the proper bounds of
imitation; what should be great may become monstrous, softness may be
exaggerated into effeminacy, and the courage of a man into the ferocity
of a beast. I remember seeing this exemplified in the case of an actor of
repute. In most respects a capable, nay, an admirable performer, some
strange fatality ran him a-ground upon this reef of over-enthusiasm. He
was acting the madness of Ajax, just after he has been worsted by
Odysseus; and so lost control of himself, that one might have been
excused for thinking his madness was something more than feigned. He tore
the clothes from the back of one of the iron-shod time-beaters, snatched
a flute from the player's hands, and brought it down in such trenchant
sort upon the head of Odysseus, who was standing by enjoying his triumph,
that, had not his cap held good, and borne the weight of the blow, poor
Odysseus must have fallen a victim to histrionic frenzy. The whole house
ran mad for company, leaping, yelling, tearing their clothes. For the
illiterate riffraff, who knew not good from bad, and had no idea of
decency, regarded it as a supreme piece of acting; and the more
intelligent part of the audience, realizing how things stood, concealed
their disgust, and instead of reproaching the actor's folly by silence,
smothered it under their plaudits; they saw only too clearly that it was
not Ajax but the pantomime who was mad. Nor was our spirited friend
content till he had distinguished himself yet further: descending from
the stage, he seated himself in the senatorial benches between two
consulars, who trembled lest he should take one of them for a ram and
apply the lash. The spectators were divided between wonder and amusement;
and some there were who suspected that his ultra-realism had culminated
in reality. However, it seems that when he came to his senses again he
bitterly repented of this exploit, and was quite ill from grief,
regarding his conduct as that of a veritable madman, as is clear from his
own words. For when his partisans begged him to repeat the performance,
he recommended another actor for the part of Ajax, saying that 'it was
enough for him to have been mad once. ' His mortification was increased by
the success of his rival, who, though a similar part had been written for
him, played it with admirable judgement and discretion, and was
complimented on his observance of decorum, and of the proper bounds of
his art.
I hope, my dear Crato, that this cursory description of the Pantomime may
mitigate your wrath against its devoted admirer. If you can bring
yourself to bear me company to the theatre, you will be captivated; you
will run Pantomime-mad. I shall have no occasion to exclaim, with Circe,
Strange, that my drugs have wrought no change in thee!
The change will come; but will not involve an ass's head, nor a pig's
heart, but only an improved understanding. In your delight at the potion,
you will drain it off, and leave not a drop for any one else. Homer says,
of the golden wand of Hermes, that with it he
charms the eyes of men,
When so he will, and rouses them that sleep.
So it is with Pantomime. It charms the eyes-to wakefulness; and quickens
the mental faculties at every turn.
_Cr_. Enough, Lycinus: behold your convert! My eyes and ears are
opened. When next you go to the theatre, remember to take a seat for me
next your own. I too would issue from those doors a wiser man.
LEXIPHANES
_Lycinus. Lexiphanes. Sopolis_
_Ly_. What, our exquisite with his essay?
_Lex_. Ah, Lycinus, 'tis but a fledgeling of mine; 'tis all
incondite.
_Ly_. O ho, conduits--that is your subject, is it?
_Lex_. You mistake me; I said nothing of conduits; you are behind the
times; incondite--'tis the word we use now when a thing lacks the
finishing touches. But you are the deaf adder that stoppeth her ears.
_Ly_. I beg your pardon, my dear fellow; but conduit, incondite, you
know. Well now, what is the idea of your piece?
_Lex_. A symposium, a modest challenge to the son of Ariston.
_Ly_. There are a good many sons of Aristons; but, from the symposium, I
presume you mean Plato.
_Lex_. You take me; what I said could fit no other.
_Ly_. Well, come, read me a little of it; do not send me away thirsty; I
see there is nectar in store.
_Lex_. Ironist, avaunt! And now open your ears to my charming; adder me no
adders.
_Ly_. Go ahead; I am no Adam, nor Eve either.
_Lex_. Have an eye to my conduct of the discourse, whether it be fair in
commencement, fair in speech, fair in diction, fair in nomenclature.
_Ly_. Oh, we know what to expect from Lexiphanes. But come, begin.
_Lex_. _'Then to dinner,' quoth Callicles, 'then to our post-prandial
deambulation in the Lyceum; but now 'tis time for our parasolar unction,
ere we bask and bathe and take our nuncheon; go we our way. Now, boy,
strigil and mat, towels and soap; transport me them bathwards, and
see to the bath-penny; you will find it a-ground by the chest. And thou,
Lexiphanes, comest thou, or tarriest here? ' 'Its a thousand years,'
quoth I, 'till I bathe; for I am in no comfort, with sore posteriors from
my mule-saddle. Trod the mule-man as on eggs, yet kept his beast a-moving.
And when I got to the farm, still no peace for the wicked. I found the
hinds shrilling the harvest-song, and there were persons burying my
father, I think it was. I just gave them a hand with the grave and things,
and then I left them; it was so cold, and I had prickly heat; one does,
you know, in a hard frost. So I went round the plough-lands; and there I
found garlic growing, delved radishes, culled chervil and all herbs,
bought parched barley, and (for not yet had the meadows reached the
redolency that tempts the ten toes)-so to mule-back again; whence this
tenderness behind. And now I walk with pain, and the sweat runs down; my
bones languish, and yearn for the longest of water-swims; 'tis ever my joy
to wash me after toil.
I will speed back to my boy; 'tis like he waits for me at the pease-
puddingry, or the curiosity shop; yet stay; his instructions were to meet
me at the frippery. Ah, hither comes he in the nick of time: ay, and has
purchased a beesting-pudding and girdle-cakes and leeks, sausages and
steak, dewlap and tripe and collops. --Good, Atticion, you have made most
of my journey no thoroughfare. ' 'Why, sir, I have been looking round the
corner for you till I squint. Where dined you yesterday? with
Onomacritus? ' 'God bless me, no. I was off to the country; hey presto!
and there we were. You know how I dote on the country. I suppose you all
thought I was making the glasses ring. Now go in, and spice all these
things, and scour the kneading-trough, ready to shred the lettuces. I
shall be of for a dry rub. '
'We are with you,' cried Philinus, 'Onomarchus, Hellanicus, and I; the
dial's mid point is in shadow; beware, or we shall bathe in the
Carimants' water, huddled and pushed by the vulgar herd. ' Then said
Hellanicus: 'Ah, and my eyes are disordered; my pupils are turbid, I wink
and blink, the tears come unbidden, my eyes crave the ophthalmic leech's
healing drug, mortar-brayed and infused, that they may blush and blear no
more, nor moistly peer. '
In such wise conversing, all our company departed. Arrived at the
gymnasium, we stripped; the finger-wrench, the garotte, the standing-
grip, each had its votaries; one oiled and suppled his joints; another
punched the bladder; a third heaved and swung the dumb-bells. Then, when
we had rubbed ourselves, and ridden pick-a-back, and had our sport of the
gymnasium, we took our plunge, Philinus and I, in the warm basin, and
departed. But the rest dipped frigid heads, soused in, and swam
subaqueous, a wonder to behold. Then back we came, and one here, one
there, did this and that. Shod, with toothed comb I combed me. For I had
had a short crop, not to convict-measure, but saucer-wise, deflation
having set in on crown and chin-tip. One chewed lupines, another cleared
his fasting throat, a third took fish soup on radish-wafer sippets; this
ate olives, that supped down barley.
When it was dinner-time, we took it reclining, both chairs and couches
standing ready. A joint-stock meal it was, and the contributions many and
various. Pigs' pettitoes, ribs of beef, paunch and pregnant womb of sow,
fried liver lobe, garlic paste, sauce piquante, mayonnaise, and so on;
pastry, ramequins, and honey-cakes. In the aquatic line, much of the
cartilaginous, of the testaceous much; many a salt slice, basket-hawked,
eels of Copae, fowls of the barn-door, a cock past crowing-days, and fish
to keep him company; add to these a sheep roast whole, and ox's rump of
toothless eld. The loaves were firsts, no common stuff, and therewithal
remainders from the new moon; vegetables both radical and excrescent. For
the wine, 'twas of no standing, but came from the skin; its sweetness was
gone, but its roughness remained.
On the dolphin-foot table stood divers store of cups; the eye-shutter,
the ladle, slender-handled, genuine Mentor; crane-neck and gurgling
bombyl; and many an earth-born child of Thericlean furnace, the wide-
mouthed, the kindly-lipped; Phocaean, Cnidian work, but all light as air,
and thin as eggshell; bowls and pannikins and posied cups; oh, 'twas a
well-stocked sideboard.
But the kettle boiled over, and sent the ashes flying about our heads. It
was bumpers and no heeltaps, and we were full to the throat. Then to the
nard; and enter to us guitar and light fantastic toe. Thereafter, one
shinned up the ladder, on post-prandial japery intent, another beat the
devil's tattoo, a third writhed cachinnatory.
At this moment broke in upon us from the bath, all uninvited, Megalonymus
the attorney, Chaereas the goldsmith, striped back and all, and the
bruiser Eudemus. I asked them what they were about to come so late. Quoth
Chaereas; 'I was working a locket and ear-rings and bangles for my
daughter; that is why I come after the fair. ' 'I was otherwise engaged,'
said Megalonymus; 'know you not that it was a lawless day and a dumb? So,
as it was linguistice, there was truce to my calendarial clockings and
plea-mensurations. But hearing the governor was giving a warm reception,
I took my shiniest clothes, fresh from the tailor, and my unmatched
shoes, and showed myself out.
'The first I met were a torch-bearer, a hierophant, and others of the
initiated, haling Dinias before the judge, and protesting that he had
called them by their names, though he well knew that, from the time of
their sanctification, they were nameless, and no more to be named but by
hallowed names; so then he appealed to me. ' 'Dinias? ' I put in; 'Who is
Dinias? ' 'Oh, he's a dance-for-your-supper carry-your-luggage rattle-
your-patter gaming-house sort of man; eschews the barber, and takes care
of his poor chest and toes. ' 'Well,' said I, 'paid he the penalty in some
wise, or showed a clean pair of heels? ' 'Our delicate goer is now fast
bound. The governor, regardless of his retiring disposition, slipped him
on a pair of bracelets and a necklace, and brought him acquainted with
stocks and boot. The poor worm quaked for fear, and could not contain
himself, and offered money, if so he might save his soul alive. '
'As for me,' said Eudemus, 'I was sent for in the gloaming by Damasias,
the athlete many-victoried of yore, now pithless from age; you know him
in bronze in the market. He was busy with roast and boiled. He was this
day to exdomesticate his daughter, and was decking her out for her
husband, when a baleful incident occurred, which cleft the feast in
twain. For Dion his son, on grievance unknown, if it were not rather the
hostility of Heaven, hanged himself; and be sure he was a dead man, had I
not been there, and dislocated and loosed him from his implication. Long
time I squatted a-knee, pricking and rocking, and sounding him, to see
whether his throat was still whole. What profited most was compressure of
the extremities with both my hands. '
'What, Dion the effeminate, the libertine, the debauchee, the mastich-
chewer, the too susceptible to amorous sights? ' 'Yes; the lecher and
whore-master. Well, Damasias fell down and worshipped the Goddess (they
have an Artemis by Scopas in the middle of the court), he and his old
white-headed wife, and implored her compassion.
The Goddess straightway
nodded assent, and he was well; and now he is their Theodorus, or indeed
their manifest Artemidorus. So they made offerings to her, among them
darts and bows and arrows; for these are acceptable in her sight; bow-
woman she, far-dartress, telepolemic'
'Let us drink, then' said Megalonymus; 'here have I brought you a flagon
of antiquated wine, with cream cheese and windfall olives--I keep them
under seal, and the seals are worm-eaten--and others brine-steeped, and
these fictile cups, thin-edged, firm-based, that we might drink
therefrom, and a pasty of tripe rolled like a top-knot. --Now, you sir,
pour me in some more water; if my head begins to ache, I shall be sending
for your master to talk to you. --You know, gentlemen, what megrims I get,
and what a numskull mine is. After drinking, we will chirp a little as is
our wont; 'tis not amiss to prate in one's cups'
'So be it,' quoth I; 'we are the very pink and perfection of the true
Attic' 'Done with you! ' says Callicles, 'frequent quizzings are a
whetstone of conversation' 'For my part,' cries Eudemus, '--it grows
chill--I like my liquor stronger, and more of it; I am deathly cold; if I
could get some warmth into me, I had rather listen to these light-
fingered gentry of flute and lyre. ' 'What is this you say, Eudemus? ' says
I; 'You would exact mutation from us? are we so hard-mouthed, so
untongued? For my tongue, 'tis garriturient. I was just getting under
way, and making ready to hail you with a fine old Attic shower. 'Tis as
if a three-master were sailing before the breeze, with stay-sails wind-
bellied, scudding along wave-skimming, and you should throw out two-
tongued anchorage and iron stoppers and ship-fetters, and block her
foaming course, in envy of her fair-windedness. ' 'Why then, if you will,
splash and dash and crash through the waves; and I upsoaring, and
drinking the while, will watch like Homer's Zeus from some bald-crowned
hill or from Heaven-top, while you and your ship are swept along with the
wind behind you. '_
_Ly_. Thanks, Lexiphanes; enough of drink and reading. I assure you
I am full beyond my capacity as it is; if I do not succeed in quickly
unloading my stomach of what you have put into it, there is not a doubt I
shall go raving mad under the intoxication of your exuberant verbosity.
At first I was inclined to be amused; but there is such a lot of it, and
all just alike; I pity you now, poor misguided one, trapped in your
endless maze, sick unto death, a prey to melancholia.
Where in the world can you have raked up all this rubbish from? How long
has it taken you? Or what sort of a hive could ever keep together such a
swarm of lop-sided monstrosities? Of some you are the proud creator, the
rest you have dug up from dark lurking-places, till 'tis
Curse on you, piling woe on mortal woe!
How have you gathered all the minor sewers into one cloaca maxima, and
discharged the whole upon my innocent head! Have you never a friend or
relation or well-wisher? Did you never meet a plain-dealer to give you a
dose of candour? That would have cured you. You are dropsical, man; you
are like to burst with it; and you take it for muscular healthy
stoutness; you are congratulated only by the fools who do not see what is
the matter; the instructed cannot help being sorry for you.
But here in good time comes Sopolis; we will put you in the good doctor's
hands, tell him all about it, and see if anything can be done for you. He
is a clever man; he has taken many a helpless semi-lunatic like you in
hand and dosed him into sanity. --Good day, Sopolis. Lexiphanes here is a
friend of mine, you know. Now I want you to undertake his case; he
is afflicted with a delirious affection of the vocal organs, and I fear
a complete breakdown. Pray take measures to cure him.
_Lex_. Heal him, not me, Sopolis; he is manifestly moon-struck; persons
duly pia-matered he accounts beside their five wits; he might come from
Samos and call Mnesarchus father; for he enjoins silence and linguinanity.
But by the unabashed Athene, by Heracles the beast-killer, no jot or
tittle of notice shall he have from me. 'Tis my foreboding that I fall not
in with him again. For his censures, I void my rheum upon them.
_Sop_. What is the matter with him, Lycinus?
_Ly_. Why, _this_ is the matter; don't you hear? He leaves us his
contemporaries, and goes a thousand years off to talk to us, which he
does by aid of these tongue-gymnastics and extraordinary compounds--
prides himself upon it, too, as if it were a great thing to disguise
yourself, and mutilate the conversational currency.
_Sop_. Well, to be sure, this is a serious case; we must do all we
can for him. Providentially, here is an emetic I had just mixed for a
bilious patient; here, Lexiphanes, drink it off; the other man can wait;
let us purge you of this vocal derangement, and get you a clean bill of
health. Come along, down with it; you will feel much easier.
_Lex_. I know not what you would be at, you and Lycinus, with your
drenches; I fear me you are more like to end than mend my speech.
_Ly_. Drink, quick; it will make a man of you in thought and word.
_Lex_. Well, if I must. Lord, what is this? How it rumbles! I must have
swallowed a ventriloquist.
_Sop_. Now, let it come. Look, look! Here comes _in sooth, anon_ follows,
close upon them _quoth he, withal, sirrah, I trow,_ and a general
sprinkling of _sundry_. But try again; tickle your throat; that will help.
_Hard, by_ has not come up yet, nor _a-weary_, nor _rehearse_, nor
_quandary_. Oh, there are lots of them lurking yet, a whole stomachful. It
would be well to get rid of some of them by purging; there should be an
impressive explosion when _orotundity_ makes its windy exit. However, he
is pretty well cleaned out, except for what may be left in the lower
bowels. Lycinus, I shall now leave him in your charge; teach him better
ways, and tell him what are the right words to use.
_Ly_. I will, Sopolis; and thank you for clearing the way. Now,
Lexiphanes, listen to me. If you want sincere commendations upon your
style, and success with popular audiences, give a wide berth to that sort
of stuff. Make a beginning with the great poets, read them with some one
to help you, then go on to the orators, and when you have assimilated
their vocabulary, proceed in due time to Thucydides and Plato, not
forgetting a thorough course also of pleasant Comedy and grave Tragedy.
When you have culled the best that all these can show, you may reckon
that you have a style. You have not realized it, but at present you are
like the toymen's dolls, all gaudy colouring outside, and inside, fragile
clay.
If you will take this advice, put up for a little while with being called
uneducated, and not be ashamed to mend your ways, you may face an
audience without a tremor; you will not then be a laughing-stock any
more; the cultivated will no longer exercise their irony upon you and
nickname you the Hellene and the Attic just because you are less
intelligible than many barbarians. But above all things, do bear in mind
not to ape the worst tricks of the last generation's professors; you are
always nibbling at their wares; put your foot upon them once for all, and
take the ancients for your model. And no dallying with unsubstantial
flowers of speech; accustom yourself, like the athletes, to solid food.
And let your devotions be paid to the Graces and to Lucidity, whom you
have so neglected.
Further, put a stopper on bombast and grandiloquence and mannerism; be
neither supercilious nor overbearing; cease to carp at other people's
performances and to count their loss your gain. And then, perhaps the
greatest of all your errors is this: instead of arranging your matter
first, and then elaborating the diction, you find some out-of-the-way
word, or are captivated by one of your own invention, and try to build up
your meaning round it; if you cannot get it in somehow or other, though
it may have nothing to do with the matter, you are inconsolable; do you
remember the _mobled queen_ you let off the other day? It was quite
off the point, and you did not know what it meant yourself; however, its
oddness tickled the ears of the ignorant many; as for the cultivated,
they were equally amused at you and at your admirers.
Again, could anything be more ludicrous than for one who claims to be a
purist, drawing from the undefiled fountain of antiquity, to mix in
(though indeed that reverses the proportion) expressions that would be
impossible to the merest schoolboy? I felt as if I should like the earth
to swallow me up, when I heard you talk of a man's _chemise_, and use
_valet_ of a woman; who does not know that a man wears a shirt, and that a
valet is male? But you abound in far more flagrant blunders than these: I
have _chidden_, not _chode_ you; we do not _write_ a friend, we _write to_
him; we say _'onest_, not _honest_; these usages of yours cannot claim
even alien rights among us. Moreover, we do not like even poetry to read
like the dictionary. But the sort of poetry to which your prose
corresponds would be Dosiadas's _Altar_, Lycophron's _Alexandra_, or any
more pestilent pedantry that may happen to exist. If you take the pains to
unlearn all this, you will have done the best you can for yourself. If you
let yourself be seduced by your sweet baits again, I have at least put in
my word of warning, and you will have only yourself to blame when you find
yourself on the downward path.
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