No More Learning

Then never mind the difference, we'll balance that another
time. But give me your hand on the bargain; you are an honest fellow,
Charles--I beg pardon, sir, for being so free. --Come, Moses.

CHARLES. Egad, this is a whimsical old fellow! --But hark'ee, Premium,
you'll prepare lodgings for these gentlemen.

SIR OLIVER. Yes, yes, I'll send for them in a day or two.

CHARLES. But, hold; do now send a genteel conveyance for them, for, I
assure you, they were most of them used to ride in their own carriages.

SIR OLIVER. I will, I will--for all but Oliver.

CHARLES. Ay, all but the little nabob.

SIR OLIVER. You're fixed on that?

CHARLES. Peremptorily.

SIR OLIVER. [Aside. ] A dear extravagant rogue! --[Aloud. ] Good day! Come,
Moses. --[Aside. ] Let me hear now who dares call him profligate!

[Exit with MOSES. ]

CARELESS. Why, this is the oddest genius of the sort I ever met with!

CHARLES. Egad, he's the prince of brokers, I think. I wonder how
the devil Moses got acquainted with so honest a fellow. --Ha! here's
Rowley. --Do, Careless, say I'll join the company in a few moments.

CARELESS. I will--but don't let that old blockhead persuade you to
squander any of that money on old musty debts, or any such nonsense; for
tradesmen, Charles, are the most exorbitant fellows.

CHARLES. Very true, and paying them is only encouraging them.

CARELESS. Nothing else.

CHARLES. Ay, ay, never fear. --

[Exit CARELESS. ]
So! this was an odd old fellow, indeed. Let me see, two-thirds of these
five hundred and thirty odd pounds are mine by right. Fore Heaven!
I find one's ancestors are more valuable relations than I took them
for! --Ladies and gentlemen, your most obedient and very grateful
servant. [Bows ceremoniously to the pictures. ]

Enter ROWLEY

Ha! old Rowley! egad, you are just come in time to take leave of your
old acquaintance.

ROWLEY. Yes, I heard they were a-going. But I wonder you can have such
spirits under so many distresses.

CHARLES. Why, there's the point! my distresses are so many, that I can't
affort to part with my spirits; but I shall be rich and splenetic, all
in good time. However, I suppose you are surprised that I am not more
sorrowful at parting with so many near relations; to be sure, 'tis very
affecting; but you see they never move a muscle, so why should I?

ROWLEY. There's no making you serious a moment.

CHARLES. Yes, faith, I am so now. Here, my honest Rowley, here, get me
this changed directly, and take a hundred pounds of it immediately to
old Stanley.

ROWLEY. A hundred pounds! Consider only----

CHARLES. Gad's life, don't talk about it! poor Stanley's wants are
pressing, and, if you don't make haste, we shall have some one call that
has a better right to the money.

ROWLEY. Ah! there's the point! I never will cease dunning you with the
old proverb----

CHARLES. BE JUST BEFORE YOU'RE GENEROUS. --Why, so I would if I could;
but Justice is an old hobbling beldame, and I can't get her to keep pace
with Generosity, for the soul of me.

ROWLEY. Yet, Charles, believe me, one hour's reflection----

CHARLES. Ay, ay, it's very true; but, hark'ee, Rowley, while I have, by
Heaven I'll give; so, damn your economy! and now for hazard.

[Exeunt. ]




SCENE II. --The Parlour

Enter SIR OLIVER and MOSES

MOSES. Well sir, I think as Sir Peter said you have seen Mr. Charles in
high Glory--'tis great Pity He's so extravagant.

SIR OLIVER. True--but he would not sell my Picture--

MOSES. And loves wine and women so much--

SIR OLIVER. But He wouldn't sell my Picture.

MOSES. And game so deep--

SIR OLIVER. But He wouldn't sell my Picture. O--here's Rowley!

Enter ROWLEY

ROWLEY. So--Sir Oliver--I find you have made a Purchase----

SIR OLIVER. Yes--yes--our young Rake has parted with his Ancestors like
old Tapestry--sold Judges and Generals by the foot--and maiden Aunts as
cheap as broken China. --

ROWLEY. And here has he commissioned me to re-deliver you Part of
the purchase-money--I mean tho' in your necessitous character of old
Stanley----

MOSES. Ah! there is the Pity of all! He is so damned charitable.

ROWLEY. And I left a Hosier and two Tailors in the Hall--who I'm sure
won't be paid, and this hundred would satisfy 'em.

SIR OLIVER. Well--well--I'll pay his debts and his Benevolences
too--I'll take care of old Stanley--myself--But now I am no more
a Broker, and you shall introduce me to the elder Brother as Stanley----

ROWLEY. Not yet a while--Sir Peter I know means to call there about this
time.

Enter TRIP

TRIP. O Gentlemen--I beg Pardon for not showing you out--this
way--Moses, a word.

[Exit TRIP with MOSES. ]

SIR OLIVER. There's a Fellow for you--Would you believe it that Puppy
intercepted the Jew, on our coming, and wanted to raise money before he
got to his master!

ROWLEY. Indeed!

SIR OLIVER. Yes--they are now planning an annuity Business--Ah Master
Rowley[,] in my Day Servants were content with the Follies of their
Masters when they were worn a little Thread Bare but now they have their
Vices like their Birth Day cloaths with the gloss on.

[Exeunt. ]




SCENE III. --A Library

SURFACE and SERVANT

SURFACE. No letter from Lady Teazle?

SERVANT. No Sir--

SURFACE. I am surprised she hasn't sent if she is prevented from
coming--! Sir Peter certainly does not suspect me--yet I wish I may
not lose the Heiress, thro' the scrape I have drawn myself in with the
wife--However, Charles's imprudence and bad character are great Points
in my Favour.

SERVANT. Sir--I believe that must be Lady Teazle--

SURFACE. Hold[! ] see--whether it is or not before you go to the Door--I
have a particular Message for you if it should be my Brother.

SERVANT. 'Tis her ladyship Sir--She always leaves her Chair at the
milliner's in the next Street.

SURFACE. Stay--stay--draw that Screen before the Window--that will
do--my opposite Neighbour is a maiden Lady of so curious a temper! --

[SERVANT draws the screen and exit. ]

I have a difficult Hand to play in this Affair--Lady Teazle as lately
suspected my Views on Maria--but She must by no means be let into that
secret, at least till I have her more in my Power.

Enter LADY TEAZLE

LADY TEAZLE. What[! ] Sentiment in soliloquy--have you been very
impatient now? --O Lud! don't pretend to look grave--I vow I couldn't
come before----

SURFACE. O Madam[,] Punctuality is a species of Constancy, a very
unfashionable quality in a Lady.

LADY TEAZLE. Upon my word you ought to pity me, do you now Sir Peter
is grown so ill-tempered to me of Late! and so jealous! of Charles too
that's the best of the story isn't it?

SURFACE. I am glad my scandalous Friends keep that up. [Aside. ]

LADY TEAZLE. I am sure I wish He would let Maria marry him--and then
perhaps He would be convinced--don't you--Mr. Surface?

SURFACE. Indeed I do not. --[Aside. ] O certainly I do--for then my dear
Lady Teazle would also be convinced how wrong her suspicions were of my
having any design on the silly Girl----

LADY TEAZLE. Well--well I'm inclined to believe you--besides I really
never could perceive why she should have so any admirers.

SURFACE. O for her Fortune--nothing else--

LADY TEAZLE. I believe so for tho' she is certainly very pretty--yet she
has no conversation in the world--and is so grave and reserved--that I
declare I think she'd have made an excellent wife for Sir Peter. --

SURFACE. So she would.

LADY TEAZLE. Then--one never hears her speak ill of anybody--which you
know is mighty dull--

SURFACE. Yet she doesn't want understanding--

LADY TEAZLE. No more she does--yet one is always disapointed when
one hears [her] speak--For though her Eyes have no kind of meaning in
them--she very seldom talks Nonsense.

SURFACE. Nay--nay surely--she has very fine eyes--

LADY TEAZLE. Why so she has--tho' sometimes one fancies there's a little
sort of a squint--

SURFACE. A squint--O fie--Lady Teazle.

LADY TEAZLE. Yes yes--I vow now--come there is a left-handed Cupid in
one eye--that's the Truth on't.

SURFACE. Well--his aim is very direct however--but Lady Sneerwell has
quite corrupted you.

LADY TEAZLE. No indeed--I have not opinion enough of her to be taught
by her, and I know that she has lately rais'd many scandalous hints of
me--which you know one always hears from one common Friend, or other.

SURFACE. Why to say truth I believe you are not more obliged to her than
others of her acquaintance.

LADY TEAZLE. But isn't [it] provoking to hear the most ill-natured
Things said to one and there's my friend Lady Sneerwell has circulated
I don't know how many scandalous tales of me, and all without any
foundation, too; that's what vexes me.

SURFACE. Aye Madam to be sure that is the Provoking
circumstance--without Foundation--yes yes--there's the mortification
indeed--for when a slanderous story is believed against one--there
certainly is no comfort like the consciousness of having deserved it----

LADY TEAZLE. No to be sure--then I'd forgive their malice--but to attack
me, who am really so innocent--and who never say an ill-natured thing of
anybody--that is, of any Friend--! and then Sir Peter too--to have
him so peevish--and so suspicious--when I know the integrity of my own
Heart--indeed 'tis monstrous.

SURFACE. But my dear Lady Teazle 'tis your own fault if you suffer
it--when a Husband entertains a groundless suspicion of his Wife and
withdraws his confidence from her--the original compact is broke and she
owes it to the Honour of her sex to endeavour to outwit him--

LADY TEAZLE. Indeed--So that if He suspects me without cause it follows
that the best way of curing his jealousy is to give him reason for't--

SURFACE. Undoubtedly--for your Husband [should] never be deceived in
you--and in that case it becomes you to be frail in compliment to his
discernment--

LADY TEAZLE. To be sure what you say is very reasonable--and when the
consciousness of my own Innocence----

SURFACE. Ah: my dear--Madam there is the great mistake--'tis this very
conscious Innocence that is of the greatest Prejudice to you--what is
it makes you negligent of Forms and careless of the world's opinion--why
the consciousness of your Innocence--what makes you thoughtless in
your Conduct and apt to run into a thousand little imprudences--why the
consciousness of your Innocence--what makes you impatient of Sir Peter's
temper, and outrageous at his suspicions--why the consciousness of your
own Innocence--

LADY TEAZLE. 'Tis very true.

SURFACE. Now my dear Lady Teazle if you but once make a trifling Faux
Pas you can't conceive how cautious you would grow, and how ready to
humour and agree with your Husband.

LADY TEAZLE. Do you think so--

SURFACE. O I'm sure on't; and then you'd find all scandal would cease
at once--for in short your Character at Present is like a Person in a
Plethora, absolutely dying of too much Health--

LADY TEAZLE. So--so--then I perceive your Prescription is that I
must sin in my own Defence--and part with my virtue to preserve my
Reputation. --

SURFACE. Exactly so upon my credit Ma'am[. ]

LADY TEAZLE. Well certainly this is the oddest Doctrine--and the newest
Receipt for avoiding calumny.

SURFACE.
An infallible one believe me--Prudence like experience must be
paid for--

LADY TEAZLE. Why if my understanding were once convinced----

SURFACE. Oh, certainly Madam, your understanding SHOULD be
convinced--yes--yes--Heaven forbid I should persuade you to do anything
you THOUGHT wrong--no--no--I have too much honor to desire it--

LADY TEAZLE. Don't--you think we may as well leave Honor out of the
Argument? [Rises. ]

SURFACE. Ah--the ill effects of your country education I see still
remain with you.

LADY TEAZLE. I doubt they do indeed--and I will fairly own to you,
that If I could be persuaded to do wrong it would be by Sir Peter's
ill-usage--sooner than your honourable Logic, after all.

SURFACE. Then by this Hand, which He is unworthy of----

Enter SERVANT

Sdeath, you Blockhead--what do you want?

SERVANT. I beg your Pardon Sir, but I thought you wouldn't chuse Sir
Peter to come up without announcing him?

SURFACE. Sir Peter--Oons--the Devil!

LADY TEAZLE. Sir Peter! O Lud! I'm ruined! I'm ruin'd!

SERVANT. Sir, 'twasn't I let him in.

LADY TEAZLE. O I'm undone--what will become of me now Mr. Logick. --Oh!
mercy, He's on the Stairs--I'll get behind here--and if ever I'm so
imprudent again----

[Goes behind the screen--]

SURFACE. Give me that--Book! ----

[Sits down--SERVANT pretends to adjust his Hair--]

Enter SIR PETER

SIR PETER. Aye--ever improving himself! --Mr. Surface--

SURFACE. Oh! my dear Sir Peter--I beg your Pardon--[Gaping and throws
away the Book. ] I have been dosing [dozing] over a stupid Book! well--I
am much obliged to you for this Call--You haven't been here I believe
since I fitted up this Room--Books you know are the only Things I am a
Coxcomb in--

SIR PETER. 'Tis very neat indeed--well well that's proper--and you make
even your Screen a source of knowledge--hung I perceive with Maps--

SURFACE. O yes--I find great use in that Screen.

SIR PETER. I dare say you must--certainly--when you want to find out
anything in a Hurry.

SURFACE. Aye or to hide anything in a Hurry either--

SIR PETER. Well I have a little private Business--if we were alone--

SURFACE. You needn't stay.

SERVANT. No--Sir----

[Exit SERVANT. ]

SURFACE. Here's a Chair--Sir Peter--I beg----

SIR PETER. Well--now we are alone--there IS a subject--my dear
Friend--on which I wish to unburthen my Mind to you--a Point of the
greatest moment to my Peace--in short, my good Friend--Lady Teazle's
conduct of late has made me very unhappy.

SURFACE. Indeed I'm very sorry to hear it--

SIR PETER. Yes 'tis but too plain she has not the least regard for
me--but what's worse, I have pretty good Authority to suspect that she
must have formed an attachment to another.

SURFACE. Indeed! you astonish me.

SIR PETER. Yes--and between ourselves--I think I have discover'd the
Person.

SURFACE. How--you alarm me exceedingly!

SIR PETER. Ah: my dear Friend I knew you would sympathize with me. --

SURFACE. Yes--believe me Sir Peter--such a discovery would hurt me just
as much as it would you--

SIR PETER. I am convinced of it--ah--it is a happiness to have a Friend
whom one can trust even with one's Family secrets--but have you no guess
who I mean?

SURFACE. I haven't the most distant Idea--it can't be Sir Benjamin
Backbite.

SIR PETER. O--No. What say you to Charles?

SURFACE. My Brother--impossible! --O no Sir Peter you mustn't credit the
scandalous insinuations you hear--no no--Charles to be sure has been
charged with many things but go I can never think He would meditate so
gross an injury--

SIR PETER. Ah! my dear Friend--the goodness of your own Heart misleads
you--you judge of others by yourself.

SURFACE. Certainly Sir Peter--the Heart that is conscious of its own
integrity is ever slowest to credit another's Treachery. --

SIR PETER. True--but your Brother has no sentiment[--]you never hear him
talk so. --

SURFACE. Well there certainly is no knowing what men are capable
of--no--there is no knowing--yet I can't but think Lady Teazle herself
has too much Principle----

SIR PETER. Aye but what's Principle against the Flattery of a
handsome--lively young Fellow--

SURFACE. That's very true--

SIR PETER. And then you know the difference of our ages makes it very
improbable that she should have any great affection for me--and if she
were to be frail and I were to make it Public--why the Town would only
laugh at the foolish old Batchelor, who had married a girl----

SURFACE. That's true--to be sure People would laugh.

SIR PETER. Laugh--aye and make Ballads--and Paragraphs and the Devil
knows what of me--

SURFACE. No--you must never make it public--

SIR PETER. But then again that the Nephew of my old Friend, Sir
Oliver[,] should be the Person to attempt such an injury--hurts me more
nearly--

SURFACE. Undoubtedly--when Ingratitude barbs the Dart of Injury--the
wound has double danger in it--

SIR PETER. Aye--I that was in a manner left his Guardian--in his House
he had been so often entertain'd--who never in my Life denied him my
advice--

SURFACE. O 'tis not to be credited--There may be a man capable of such
Baseness, to be sure--but for my Part till you can give me positive
Proofs you must excuse me withholding my Belief. However, if this should
be proved on him He is no longer a brother of mine I disclaim kindred
with him--for the man who can break thro' the Laws of Hospitality--and
attempt the wife of his Friend deserves to be branded as the Pest of
Society.

SIR PETER. What a difference there is between you--what noble
sentiments! --

SURFACE. But I cannot suspect Lady Teazle's honor.

SIR PETER. I'm sure I wish to think well of her--and to remove all
ground of Quarrel between us--She has lately reproach'd me more than
once with having made no settlement on her--and, in our last Quarrel,
she almost hinted that she should not break her Heart if I was
dead. --now as we seem to differ in our Ideas of Expense I have resolved
she shall be her own Mistress in that Respect for the future--and if
I were to die--she shall find that I have not been inattentive to her
Interests while living--Here my Friend are the Draughts of two Deeds
which I wish to have your opinion on--by one she will enjoy eight
hundred a year independent while I live--and by the other the bulk of my
Fortune after my Death.

SURFACE. This conduct Sir Peter is indeed truly Generous! I wish it may
not corrupt my pupil. --[Aside. ]

SIR PETER. Yes I am determined she shall have no cause to complain--tho'
I would not have her acquainted with the latter instance of my affection
yet awhile.

SURFACE. Nor I--if I could help it.

SIR PETER. And now my dear Friend if you please we will talk over the
situation of your Hopes with Maria.

SURFACE. No--no--Sir Peter--another Time if you Please--[softly].

SIR PETER. I am sensibly chagrined at the little Progress you seem to
make in her affection.

SURFACE. I beg you will not mention it--What are my Disappointments when
your Happiness is in Debate [softly]. 'Sdeath I shall be ruined every
way.

SIR PETER. And tho' you are so averse to my acquainting Lady Teazle with
YOUR passion, I am sure she's not your Enemy in the Affair.

SURFACE. Pray Sir Peter, now oblige me. --I am really too much affected
by the subject we have been speaking of to bestow a thought on my own
concerns--The Man who is entrusted with his Friend's Distresses can
never----

Enter SERVANT

Well, Sir?

SERVANT. Your Brother Sir, is--speaking to a Gentleman in the Street,
and says He knows you're within.

SURFACE. 'Sdeath, Blockhead--I'm NOT within--I'm out for the Day.

SIR PETER. Stay--hold--a thought has struck me--you shall be at home.

SURFACE. Well--well--let him up. --

[Exit SERVANT. ]

He'll interrupt Sir Peter, however. [Aside. ]

SIR PETER. Now, my good Friend--oblige me I Intreat you--before Charles
comes--let me conceal myself somewhere--Then do you tax him on the Point
we have been talking on--and his answers may satisfy me at once. --

SURFACE. O Fie--Sir Peter--would you have ME join in so mean a Trick? to
trepan my Brother too?

SIR PETER. Nay you tell me you are SURE He is innocent--if so you do
him the greatest service in giving him an opportunity to clear
himself--and--you will set my Heart at rest--come you shall not refuse
me--here behind this Screen will be--hey! what the Devil--there seems to
be one listener here already--I'll swear I saw a Petticoat. --

SURFACE. Ha! ha! ha! Well this is ridiculous enough--I'll tell you,
Sir Peter--tho' I hold a man of Intrigue to be a most despicable
Character--yet you know it doesn't follow that a man is to be an
absolute Joseph either--hark'ee--'tis a little French Milliner--a silly
Rogue that plagues me--and having some character, on your coming she ran
behind the Screen. --

SIR PETER. Ah a Rogue--but 'egad she has overheard all I have been
saying of my Wife.

SURFACE. O 'twill never go any farther, you may depend on't.

SIR PETER. No! --then efaith let her hear it out. --Here's a Closet will
do as well. --

SURFACE. Well, go in there. --

SIR PETER. Sly rogue--sly Rogue. --

SURFACE. Gad's my Life what an Escape--! and a curious situation I'm
in! --to part man and wife in this manner. --

LADY TEAZLE. [peeps out. ] Couldn't I steal off--

SURFACE. Keep close, my Angel!

SIR PETER. [Peeping out. ] Joseph--tax him home.

SURFACE. Back--my dear Friend

LADY TEAZLE. [Peeping out. ] Couldn't you lock Sir Peter in? --

SURFACE. Be still--my Life!

SIR PETER. [Peeping. ] You're sure the little Milliner won't blab?

SURFACE. In! in! my good Sir Peter--'Fore Gad, I wish I had a key to the
Door.

Enter CHARLES

CHARLES. Hollo! Brother--what has been the matter? your Fellow wouldn't
let me up at first--What[? ] have you had a Jew or a wench with you. --

SURFACE. Neither Brother I assure you.

CHARLES. But--what has made Sir Peter steal off--I thought He had been
with you--

SURFACE. He WAS Brother--but hearing you were coming He didn't chuse to
stay--

CHARLES. What[! ] was the old Gentleman afraid I wanted to borrow money
of him?

SURFACE. No Sir--but I am sorry to find[,] Charles--you have lately
given that worthy man grounds for great Uneasiness.

CHARLES. Yes they tell me I do that to a great many worthy men--but how
so Pray?

SURFACE. To be plain with you Brother He thinks you are endeavouring to
gain Lady Teazle's Affections from him.

CHARLES. Who I--O Lud!