Sir, 'tis I, if your name be Sir
Tunbelly
Clumsy.
Richard Brinsley Sheridan
Town_.
Is that all?
Pray was it Mr.
Loveless went from
here just now?
_Ber_. O yes--he has been walking with me.
_Col. Town_. He has!
_Ber_. Upon my word I think he is a very agreeable man; and
there is certainly something particularly insinuating in his
address.
_Col. Town_. [_Aside_. ] So, so! she hasn't even the
modesty to dissemble! [_Aloud_. ] Pray, madam, may I, without
impertinence, trouble you with a few serious questions?
_Ber_. As many as you please; but pray let them be as little
serious as possible.
_Col. Town_. Is it not near two years since I have presumed
to address you?
_Ber_. I don't know exactly--but it has been a tedious long
time.
_Col. Town. _ Have I not, during that period, had every
reason to believe that my assiduities were far from being
unacceptable?
_Ber. _ Why, to do you justice, you have been extremely
troublesome--and I confess I have been more civil to you than you
deserved.
_Col. Town. _ Did I not come to this place at your express
desire, and for no purpose but the honour of meeting you? --and
after waiting a month in disappointment, have you condescended to
explain, or in the slightest way apologise for, your conduct?
_Ber. _ O heavens! apologise for my conduct! --apologise to
you! O you barbarian! But pray now, my good serious colonel, have
you anything more to add?
_Col. Town. _ Nothing, madam, but that after such behaviour I
am less surprised at what I saw just now; it is not very
wonderful that the woman who can trifle with the delicate
addresses of an honourable lover should be found coquetting with
the husband of her friend.
_Ber. _ Very true: no more wonderful than it was for this
honourable lover to divert himself in the absence of this
coquette, with endeavouring to seduce his friend's wife! O
colonel, colonel, don't talk of honour or your friend, for
Heaven's sake!
_Col. Town_. [_Aside. ]_ 'Sdeath! how came she to
suspect this! --[_Aloud. _] Really, madam, I don't understand
you.
_Ber. _ Nay, nay, you saw I did not pretend to misunderstand
you. --But here comes the lady; perhaps you would be glad to be
left with her for an explanation.
_Col. Town. _ O madam, this recrimination is a poor resource;
and to convince you how much you are mistaken, I beg leave to
decline the happiness you propose me. --Madam, your servant.
_Enter_ AMANDA. COLONEL TOWNLY _whispers_ AMANDA,
_and exit_.
_Ber. [Aside. _] He carries it off well, however; upon my
word, very well! How tenderly they part! --[_Aloud_] So,
cousin; I hope you have not been chiding your admirer for being
with me? I assure you we have been talking of you.
_Aman_. Fy, Berinthia! --my admirer! will you never learn to
talk in earnest of anything?
_Ber_. Why this shall be in earnest, if you please; for my
part, I only tell you matter of fact.
_Aman_. I'm sure there's so much jest and earnest in what
you say to me on this subject, I scarce know how to take it. I
have just parted with Mr. Loveless; perhaps it is fancy, but I
think there is an alteration in his manner which alarms me.
_Ber_. And so you are jealous; is that all?
_Aman_. That all! is jealousy, then, nothing?
_Ber_. It should be nothing, if I were in your case.
_Aman_. Why, what would you do?
_Ber_. I'd cure myself.
_Aman_. How?
_Ber_. Care as little for my husband as he did for me. Look
you, Amanda, you may build castles in the air, and fume, and
fret, and grow thin, and lean, and pale, and ugly, if you please;
but I tell you, no man worth having is true to his wife, or ever
was, or ever will be so.
_Aman_. Do you then really think he's false to me? for I did
not suspect him.
_Ber_. Think so? I am sure of it.
_Aman_. You are sure on't?
_Ber_. Positively--he fell in love at the play.
_Aman_. Right--the very same. But who could have told you
this?
_Ber_. Um! --Oh, Townly! I suppose your husband has made him
his confidant.
_Aman_. O base Loveless! And what did Townly say on't?
_Ber. [Aside_. ] So, so! why should she ask that? --
[_Aloud_. ] Say! why he abused Loveless extremely, and said
all the tender things of you in the world.
_Aman_. Did he? --Oh! my heart! --I'm very ill--dear
Berinthia, don't leave me a moment. [_Exeunt_. ]
SCENE III. --_Outside of_ SIR TUNRELLY CLUMSY'S _House_.
_Enter_ TOM FASHION _and_ LORY.
_Fash_. So here's our inheritance, Lory, if we can but get
into possession. But methinks the seat of our family looks like
Noah's ark, as if the chief part on't were designed for the fowls
of the air, and the beasts of the field.
_Lory. _ Pray, sir, don't let your head run upon the orders
of building here: get but the heiress, let the devil take the
house.
_Fash. _ Get but the house, let the devil take the heiress! I
say. --But come, we have no time to squander; knock at the door. --
[LORY _knocks two or three times at the gate. _] What the
devil! have they got no ears in this house? --Knock harder.
_Lory. _ Egad, sir, this will prove some enchanted castle; we
shall have the giant come out by-and-by, with his club, and beat
our brains out. [_Knocks again. _]
_Fash. _ Hush, they come.
_Ser. [Within. ]_ Who is there?
_Lory. _ Open the door and see: is that your country
breeding?
_Ser. _ Ay, but two words to that bargain. --Tummus, is the
blunderbuss primed?
_Fash. _ Ouns! give 'em good words, Lory,--or we shall be
shot here a fortune catching.
_Lory. _ Egad, sir, I think you're in the right on't. --Ho!
Mr. What-d'ye-call-'um, will you please to let us in? or are we
to be left to grow like willows by your moat side?
SERVANT _appears at the window with a blunderbuss. _
_Ser. _ Well naw, what's ya're business?
_Fash. _ Nothing, sir, but to wait upon Sir Tunbelly, with
your leave.
_Ser. _ To weat upon Sir Tunbelly! why, you'll find that's
just as Sir Tunbelly pleases.
_Fash. _ But will you do me the favour, sir, to know whether
Sir Tunbelly pleases or not?
_Ser. _ Why, look you, d'ye see, with good words much may be
done. Ralph, go thy ways, and ask Sir Tunbelly if he pleases to
be waited upon--and dost hear, call to nurse, that she may lock
up Miss Hoyden before the gates open.
_Fash. _ D'ye hear, that, Lory?
_Enter SIR TUNBELLY CLUMSY, with SERVANTS, armed with guns,
clubs, pitchforks, &c_.
_Lory_. Oh! [_Runs behind his master_. ] O Lord! O Lord!
Lord! we are both dead men!
_Fash_. Fool! thy fear will, ruin us. [_Aside to
LORY_. ]
_Lory_. My fear, sir? 'sdeath, Sir, I fear nothing. --
[_Aside_. ] Would I were well up to the chin in a horse-pond!
_Sir Tun_. Who is it here hath any business with me?
_Fash_.
Sir, 'tis I, if your name be Sir Tunbelly Clumsy.
_Sir Tun_. Sir, my name is Sir Tunbelly Clumsy, whether you
have any business with me or not. --So you see I am not ashamed of
my name, nor my face either.
_Fash_. Sir, you have no cause that I know of.
_Sir Tun_. Sir, if you have no cause either, I desire to
know who you are; for, till I know your name, I shan't ask you to
come into my house: and when I do know your name,'tis six to four
I don't ask you then.
_Fash_. Sir, I hope you'll find this letter an authentic
passport. [_Gives him a letter_. ]
_Sir Tun_. Cod's my life, from Mrs. Coupler! --I ask your
lordship's pardon ten thousand times. --[_To a SERVANT_. ]
Here, run in a-doors quickly; get a Scotch coal fire in the
parlour, set all the Turkey work chairs in their places, get the
brass candlesticks out, and be sure stick the socket full of
laurel--run! --[_Turns to TOM FASHION_. ]--My lord, I ask your
lordship's pardon. --[_To SERVANT_. ] And, do you hear, run
away to nurse; bid her let Miss Hoyden loose again. --[_Exit
SERVANT_. ] I hope your honour will excuse the disorder of my
family. We are not used to receive men of your lordship's great
quality every day. Pray, where are your coaches and servants, my
lord?
_Fash_. Sir, that I might give you and your daughter a proof
how impatient I am to be nearer akin to you, I left my equipage
to follow me, and came away post with only one servant.
_Sir Tun_. Your lordship does me too much honour--it was
exposing your person to too much fatigue and danger, I protest it
was: but my daughter shall endeavour to make you what amends she
can: and, though I say it that should not say it, Hoyden has
charms.
_Fash_. Sir, I am not a stranger to them, though I am to
her; common fame has done her justice.
_Sir Tun_. My lord, I am common fame's very grateful, humble
servant. My lord, my girl's young--Hoyden is young, my lord: but
this I must say for her, what she wants in art she has in
breeding; and what's wanting in her age, is made good in her
constitution. --So pray, my lord, walk in; pray, my lord, walk in.
_Fash_. Sir, I wait upon you. [_Exeunt_. ]
SCENE IV. --_A Room in_ SIR TUNBELLY CLUMSY'S _House_.
MISS HOYDEN _discovered alone_.
_Miss Hoyd_. Sure, nobody was ever used as I am! I know well
enough what other girls do, for all they think to make a fool o'
me. It's well I have a husband a-coming, or ecod I'd marry the
baker, I would so. Nobody can knock at the gate, but presently I
must be locked up; and here's the young greyhound can run loose
about the house all the day, so she can. --'Tis very well!
_Nurse_. [_Without opening the door_. ] Miss Hoyden!
miss, miss, miss! Miss Hoyden!
_Enter_ NURSE.
_Miss Hoyd_. Well, what do you make such a noise for, eh?
What do you din a body's ears for? Can't one be at quiet for you?
_Nurse_. What do I din your ears for? Here's one come will
din your ears for you.
_Miss Hoyd_. What care I who's come? I care not a fig who
comes, or who goes, so long as I must be locked up like the ale-cellar.
_Nurse_. That, miss, is for fear you should be drank before
you are ripe.
_Miss Hoyd_. Oh, don't trouble your head about that; I'm as
ripe as you, though not so mellow.
_Nurse_. Very well! Now I have a good mind to lock you up
again, and not let you see my lord to-night.
_Miss Hoyd_. My lord: why, is my husband come?
_Nurse_. Yes, marry, is he; and a goodly person too.
_Miss Hoyd_. [_Hugs_ NURSE. ] Oh, my dear nurse, forgive
me this once, and I'll never misuse you again; no, if I do, you
shall give me three thumps on the back, and a great pinch by the
cheek.
_Nurse_. Ah, the poor thing! see now it melts; it's as full
of good-nature as an egg's full of meat.
_Miss Hoyd. _ But, my dear nurse, don't lie now--is he come,
by your troth?
_Nurse. _ Yes, by my truly, is he.
_Miss Hoyd_. O Lord! I'll go and put on my laced tucker,
though I'm locked up for a month for't.
[_Exeunt_. MISS HOYDEN _goes off capering, and twirling
her doll by its leg. _]
ACT IV.
SCENE I. --_A Room in_ SIR TUNBELLY CLUMSY'S _House. _
_Enter_ MISS HOYDEN _and_ NURSE.
_Nurse_. Well, miss, how do you like your husband that is to
be?
_Miss Hoyd_. O Lord, nurse, I'm so overjoyed I can scarce
contain myself!
_Nurse_. Oh, but you must have a care of being too fond; for
men, nowadays, hate a woman that loves 'em.
_Miss Hoyd_. Love him! why, do you think I love him, nurse?
Ecod I would not care if he was hanged, so I were but once
married to him. No, that which pleases me is to think what work
I'll make when I get to London; for when I am a wife and a lady
both, ecod, I'll flaunt it with the best of 'em. Ay, and I shall
have money enough to do so too, nurse.
_Nurse_. Ah, there's no knowing that, miss; for though these
lords have a power of wealth indeed, yet, as I have heard say,
they give it all to their sluts and their trulls, who joggle it
about in their coaches, with a murrain to 'em, whilst poor madam
sits sighing and wishing, and has not a spare half-crown to buy
her a Practice of Piety.
_Miss Hoyd_. Oh, but for that, don't deceive yourself,
nurse; for this I must say of my lord, he's as free as an open
house at Christmas; for this very morning he told me I should
have six hundred a year to buy pins. Now if he gives me six
hundred a year to buy pins, what do you think he'll give me to
buy petticoats?
_Nurse_. Ay, my dearest, he deceives thee foully, and he's
no better than a rogue for his pains! These Londoners have got a
gibberish with 'em would confound a gipsy. That which they call
pin-money, is to buy everything in the versal world, down to
their very shoe-knots. Nay, I have heard some folks say that some
ladies, if they'll have gallants as they call 'em, are forced to
find them out of their pin-money too. --But look, look, if his
honour be not coming to you! --Now, if I were sure you would
behave yourself handsomely, and not disgrace me that have brought
you up, I'd leave you alone together.
_Miss Hoyd_. That's my best nurse; do as you'd be done by.
Trust us together this once, and if I don't show my breeding, I
wish I may never be married, but die an old maid.
_Nurse_. Well, this once I'll venture you. But if you
disparage me--
_Miss Hoyd_. Never fear. [_Exit_ NURSE. ]
_Enter_ TOM FASHION.
_Fash_. Your servant, madam; I'm glad to find you alone, for
I have something of importance to speak to you about.
_Miss Hoyd_. Sir (my lord, I meant), you may speak to me
about what you please, I shall give you a civil answer.
_Fash_. You give so obliging an one, it encourages me to
tell you in a few words what I think, both for your interest and
mine. Your father, I suppose you know, has resolved to make me
happy in being your husband; and I hope I may obtain your consent
to perform what he desires.
_Miss Hoyd_. Sir, I never disobey my father in anything but
eating green gooseberries.
_Fash_. So good a daughter must needs be an admirable wife.
I am therefore impatient till you are mine, and hope you will so
far consider the violence of my love, that you won't have the
cruelty to defer my happiness so long as your father designs it.
_Miss Hoyd_. Pray, my lord, how long is that?
_Fash_. Madam, a thousand years--a whole week.
_Miss Hoyd_. Why, I thought it was to be to-morrow morning,
as soon as I was up. I'm sure nurse told me so.
_Fash_. And it shall be to-morrow morning, if you'll
consent.
_Miss Hoyd_. If I'll consent! Why I thought I was to obey
you as my husband.
_Fash_. That's when we are married. Till then, I'm to obey
you.
_Miss Hoyd_. Why then, if we are to take it by turns, it's
the same thing. I'll obey you now, and when we are married you
shall obey me.
_Fash_. With all my heart. But I doubt we must get nurse on
our side, or we shall hardly prevail with the chaplain.
_Miss Hoyd_. No more we shan't, indeed; for he loves her
better than he loves his pulpit, and would always be a-preaching
to her by his good will.
_Fash_. Why then, my dear, if you'll call her hither we'll
persuade her presently.
_Miss Hoyd_. O Lud! I'll tell you a way how to persuade her
to anything.
_Fash_. How's that?
_Miss Hoyd_. Why tell her she's a handsome comely woman, and
give her half a crown.
_Fash_. Nay, if that will do, she shall have half a score of
'em.
_Miss Hoyd_. O gemini! for half that she'd marry you
herself. --I'll run and call her. [_Exit. ]
Fash_. So! matters go on swimmingly. This is a rare girl,
i'faith. I shall have a fine time on't with her at London.
_Enter_ LORY.
So, Lory, what's the matter?
_Lory_. Here, sir--an intercepted packet from the enemy;
your brother's postilion brought it. I knew the livery, pretended
to be a servant of Sir Tunbelly's, and so got possession of the
letter.
_Fash. [Looks at the letter_. ] Ouns! he tells Sir Tunbelly
here that he will be with him this evening, with a large party to
supper. --Egad, I must marry the girl directly.
_Lory_. Oh, zounds, sir, directly to be sure. Here she
comes. [_Exit_. ]
_Fash_. And the old Jezebel with her.
_Re-enter_ MISS HOYDEN _and_ NURSE.
How do you do, good Mrs. Nurse?
here just now?
_Ber_. O yes--he has been walking with me.
_Col. Town_. He has!
_Ber_. Upon my word I think he is a very agreeable man; and
there is certainly something particularly insinuating in his
address.
_Col. Town_. [_Aside_. ] So, so! she hasn't even the
modesty to dissemble! [_Aloud_. ] Pray, madam, may I, without
impertinence, trouble you with a few serious questions?
_Ber_. As many as you please; but pray let them be as little
serious as possible.
_Col. Town_. Is it not near two years since I have presumed
to address you?
_Ber_. I don't know exactly--but it has been a tedious long
time.
_Col. Town. _ Have I not, during that period, had every
reason to believe that my assiduities were far from being
unacceptable?
_Ber. _ Why, to do you justice, you have been extremely
troublesome--and I confess I have been more civil to you than you
deserved.
_Col. Town. _ Did I not come to this place at your express
desire, and for no purpose but the honour of meeting you? --and
after waiting a month in disappointment, have you condescended to
explain, or in the slightest way apologise for, your conduct?
_Ber. _ O heavens! apologise for my conduct! --apologise to
you! O you barbarian! But pray now, my good serious colonel, have
you anything more to add?
_Col. Town. _ Nothing, madam, but that after such behaviour I
am less surprised at what I saw just now; it is not very
wonderful that the woman who can trifle with the delicate
addresses of an honourable lover should be found coquetting with
the husband of her friend.
_Ber. _ Very true: no more wonderful than it was for this
honourable lover to divert himself in the absence of this
coquette, with endeavouring to seduce his friend's wife! O
colonel, colonel, don't talk of honour or your friend, for
Heaven's sake!
_Col. Town_. [_Aside. ]_ 'Sdeath! how came she to
suspect this! --[_Aloud. _] Really, madam, I don't understand
you.
_Ber. _ Nay, nay, you saw I did not pretend to misunderstand
you. --But here comes the lady; perhaps you would be glad to be
left with her for an explanation.
_Col. Town. _ O madam, this recrimination is a poor resource;
and to convince you how much you are mistaken, I beg leave to
decline the happiness you propose me. --Madam, your servant.
_Enter_ AMANDA. COLONEL TOWNLY _whispers_ AMANDA,
_and exit_.
_Ber. [Aside. _] He carries it off well, however; upon my
word, very well! How tenderly they part! --[_Aloud_] So,
cousin; I hope you have not been chiding your admirer for being
with me? I assure you we have been talking of you.
_Aman_. Fy, Berinthia! --my admirer! will you never learn to
talk in earnest of anything?
_Ber_. Why this shall be in earnest, if you please; for my
part, I only tell you matter of fact.
_Aman_. I'm sure there's so much jest and earnest in what
you say to me on this subject, I scarce know how to take it. I
have just parted with Mr. Loveless; perhaps it is fancy, but I
think there is an alteration in his manner which alarms me.
_Ber_. And so you are jealous; is that all?
_Aman_. That all! is jealousy, then, nothing?
_Ber_. It should be nothing, if I were in your case.
_Aman_. Why, what would you do?
_Ber_. I'd cure myself.
_Aman_. How?
_Ber_. Care as little for my husband as he did for me. Look
you, Amanda, you may build castles in the air, and fume, and
fret, and grow thin, and lean, and pale, and ugly, if you please;
but I tell you, no man worth having is true to his wife, or ever
was, or ever will be so.
_Aman_. Do you then really think he's false to me? for I did
not suspect him.
_Ber_. Think so? I am sure of it.
_Aman_. You are sure on't?
_Ber_. Positively--he fell in love at the play.
_Aman_. Right--the very same. But who could have told you
this?
_Ber_. Um! --Oh, Townly! I suppose your husband has made him
his confidant.
_Aman_. O base Loveless! And what did Townly say on't?
_Ber. [Aside_. ] So, so! why should she ask that? --
[_Aloud_. ] Say! why he abused Loveless extremely, and said
all the tender things of you in the world.
_Aman_. Did he? --Oh! my heart! --I'm very ill--dear
Berinthia, don't leave me a moment. [_Exeunt_. ]
SCENE III. --_Outside of_ SIR TUNRELLY CLUMSY'S _House_.
_Enter_ TOM FASHION _and_ LORY.
_Fash_. So here's our inheritance, Lory, if we can but get
into possession. But methinks the seat of our family looks like
Noah's ark, as if the chief part on't were designed for the fowls
of the air, and the beasts of the field.
_Lory. _ Pray, sir, don't let your head run upon the orders
of building here: get but the heiress, let the devil take the
house.
_Fash. _ Get but the house, let the devil take the heiress! I
say. --But come, we have no time to squander; knock at the door. --
[LORY _knocks two or three times at the gate. _] What the
devil! have they got no ears in this house? --Knock harder.
_Lory. _ Egad, sir, this will prove some enchanted castle; we
shall have the giant come out by-and-by, with his club, and beat
our brains out. [_Knocks again. _]
_Fash. _ Hush, they come.
_Ser. [Within. ]_ Who is there?
_Lory. _ Open the door and see: is that your country
breeding?
_Ser. _ Ay, but two words to that bargain. --Tummus, is the
blunderbuss primed?
_Fash. _ Ouns! give 'em good words, Lory,--or we shall be
shot here a fortune catching.
_Lory. _ Egad, sir, I think you're in the right on't. --Ho!
Mr. What-d'ye-call-'um, will you please to let us in? or are we
to be left to grow like willows by your moat side?
SERVANT _appears at the window with a blunderbuss. _
_Ser. _ Well naw, what's ya're business?
_Fash. _ Nothing, sir, but to wait upon Sir Tunbelly, with
your leave.
_Ser. _ To weat upon Sir Tunbelly! why, you'll find that's
just as Sir Tunbelly pleases.
_Fash. _ But will you do me the favour, sir, to know whether
Sir Tunbelly pleases or not?
_Ser. _ Why, look you, d'ye see, with good words much may be
done. Ralph, go thy ways, and ask Sir Tunbelly if he pleases to
be waited upon--and dost hear, call to nurse, that she may lock
up Miss Hoyden before the gates open.
_Fash. _ D'ye hear, that, Lory?
_Enter SIR TUNBELLY CLUMSY, with SERVANTS, armed with guns,
clubs, pitchforks, &c_.
_Lory_. Oh! [_Runs behind his master_. ] O Lord! O Lord!
Lord! we are both dead men!
_Fash_. Fool! thy fear will, ruin us. [_Aside to
LORY_. ]
_Lory_. My fear, sir? 'sdeath, Sir, I fear nothing. --
[_Aside_. ] Would I were well up to the chin in a horse-pond!
_Sir Tun_. Who is it here hath any business with me?
_Fash_.
Sir, 'tis I, if your name be Sir Tunbelly Clumsy.
_Sir Tun_. Sir, my name is Sir Tunbelly Clumsy, whether you
have any business with me or not. --So you see I am not ashamed of
my name, nor my face either.
_Fash_. Sir, you have no cause that I know of.
_Sir Tun_. Sir, if you have no cause either, I desire to
know who you are; for, till I know your name, I shan't ask you to
come into my house: and when I do know your name,'tis six to four
I don't ask you then.
_Fash_. Sir, I hope you'll find this letter an authentic
passport. [_Gives him a letter_. ]
_Sir Tun_. Cod's my life, from Mrs. Coupler! --I ask your
lordship's pardon ten thousand times. --[_To a SERVANT_. ]
Here, run in a-doors quickly; get a Scotch coal fire in the
parlour, set all the Turkey work chairs in their places, get the
brass candlesticks out, and be sure stick the socket full of
laurel--run! --[_Turns to TOM FASHION_. ]--My lord, I ask your
lordship's pardon. --[_To SERVANT_. ] And, do you hear, run
away to nurse; bid her let Miss Hoyden loose again. --[_Exit
SERVANT_. ] I hope your honour will excuse the disorder of my
family. We are not used to receive men of your lordship's great
quality every day. Pray, where are your coaches and servants, my
lord?
_Fash_. Sir, that I might give you and your daughter a proof
how impatient I am to be nearer akin to you, I left my equipage
to follow me, and came away post with only one servant.
_Sir Tun_. Your lordship does me too much honour--it was
exposing your person to too much fatigue and danger, I protest it
was: but my daughter shall endeavour to make you what amends she
can: and, though I say it that should not say it, Hoyden has
charms.
_Fash_. Sir, I am not a stranger to them, though I am to
her; common fame has done her justice.
_Sir Tun_. My lord, I am common fame's very grateful, humble
servant. My lord, my girl's young--Hoyden is young, my lord: but
this I must say for her, what she wants in art she has in
breeding; and what's wanting in her age, is made good in her
constitution. --So pray, my lord, walk in; pray, my lord, walk in.
_Fash_. Sir, I wait upon you. [_Exeunt_. ]
SCENE IV. --_A Room in_ SIR TUNBELLY CLUMSY'S _House_.
MISS HOYDEN _discovered alone_.
_Miss Hoyd_. Sure, nobody was ever used as I am! I know well
enough what other girls do, for all they think to make a fool o'
me. It's well I have a husband a-coming, or ecod I'd marry the
baker, I would so. Nobody can knock at the gate, but presently I
must be locked up; and here's the young greyhound can run loose
about the house all the day, so she can. --'Tis very well!
_Nurse_. [_Without opening the door_. ] Miss Hoyden!
miss, miss, miss! Miss Hoyden!
_Enter_ NURSE.
_Miss Hoyd_. Well, what do you make such a noise for, eh?
What do you din a body's ears for? Can't one be at quiet for you?
_Nurse_. What do I din your ears for? Here's one come will
din your ears for you.
_Miss Hoyd_. What care I who's come? I care not a fig who
comes, or who goes, so long as I must be locked up like the ale-cellar.
_Nurse_. That, miss, is for fear you should be drank before
you are ripe.
_Miss Hoyd_. Oh, don't trouble your head about that; I'm as
ripe as you, though not so mellow.
_Nurse_. Very well! Now I have a good mind to lock you up
again, and not let you see my lord to-night.
_Miss Hoyd_. My lord: why, is my husband come?
_Nurse_. Yes, marry, is he; and a goodly person too.
_Miss Hoyd_. [_Hugs_ NURSE. ] Oh, my dear nurse, forgive
me this once, and I'll never misuse you again; no, if I do, you
shall give me three thumps on the back, and a great pinch by the
cheek.
_Nurse_. Ah, the poor thing! see now it melts; it's as full
of good-nature as an egg's full of meat.
_Miss Hoyd. _ But, my dear nurse, don't lie now--is he come,
by your troth?
_Nurse. _ Yes, by my truly, is he.
_Miss Hoyd_. O Lord! I'll go and put on my laced tucker,
though I'm locked up for a month for't.
[_Exeunt_. MISS HOYDEN _goes off capering, and twirling
her doll by its leg. _]
ACT IV.
SCENE I. --_A Room in_ SIR TUNBELLY CLUMSY'S _House. _
_Enter_ MISS HOYDEN _and_ NURSE.
_Nurse_. Well, miss, how do you like your husband that is to
be?
_Miss Hoyd_. O Lord, nurse, I'm so overjoyed I can scarce
contain myself!
_Nurse_. Oh, but you must have a care of being too fond; for
men, nowadays, hate a woman that loves 'em.
_Miss Hoyd_. Love him! why, do you think I love him, nurse?
Ecod I would not care if he was hanged, so I were but once
married to him. No, that which pleases me is to think what work
I'll make when I get to London; for when I am a wife and a lady
both, ecod, I'll flaunt it with the best of 'em. Ay, and I shall
have money enough to do so too, nurse.
_Nurse_. Ah, there's no knowing that, miss; for though these
lords have a power of wealth indeed, yet, as I have heard say,
they give it all to their sluts and their trulls, who joggle it
about in their coaches, with a murrain to 'em, whilst poor madam
sits sighing and wishing, and has not a spare half-crown to buy
her a Practice of Piety.
_Miss Hoyd_. Oh, but for that, don't deceive yourself,
nurse; for this I must say of my lord, he's as free as an open
house at Christmas; for this very morning he told me I should
have six hundred a year to buy pins. Now if he gives me six
hundred a year to buy pins, what do you think he'll give me to
buy petticoats?
_Nurse_. Ay, my dearest, he deceives thee foully, and he's
no better than a rogue for his pains! These Londoners have got a
gibberish with 'em would confound a gipsy. That which they call
pin-money, is to buy everything in the versal world, down to
their very shoe-knots. Nay, I have heard some folks say that some
ladies, if they'll have gallants as they call 'em, are forced to
find them out of their pin-money too. --But look, look, if his
honour be not coming to you! --Now, if I were sure you would
behave yourself handsomely, and not disgrace me that have brought
you up, I'd leave you alone together.
_Miss Hoyd_. That's my best nurse; do as you'd be done by.
Trust us together this once, and if I don't show my breeding, I
wish I may never be married, but die an old maid.
_Nurse_. Well, this once I'll venture you. But if you
disparage me--
_Miss Hoyd_. Never fear. [_Exit_ NURSE. ]
_Enter_ TOM FASHION.
_Fash_. Your servant, madam; I'm glad to find you alone, for
I have something of importance to speak to you about.
_Miss Hoyd_. Sir (my lord, I meant), you may speak to me
about what you please, I shall give you a civil answer.
_Fash_. You give so obliging an one, it encourages me to
tell you in a few words what I think, both for your interest and
mine. Your father, I suppose you know, has resolved to make me
happy in being your husband; and I hope I may obtain your consent
to perform what he desires.
_Miss Hoyd_. Sir, I never disobey my father in anything but
eating green gooseberries.
_Fash_. So good a daughter must needs be an admirable wife.
I am therefore impatient till you are mine, and hope you will so
far consider the violence of my love, that you won't have the
cruelty to defer my happiness so long as your father designs it.
_Miss Hoyd_. Pray, my lord, how long is that?
_Fash_. Madam, a thousand years--a whole week.
_Miss Hoyd_. Why, I thought it was to be to-morrow morning,
as soon as I was up. I'm sure nurse told me so.
_Fash_. And it shall be to-morrow morning, if you'll
consent.
_Miss Hoyd_. If I'll consent! Why I thought I was to obey
you as my husband.
_Fash_. That's when we are married. Till then, I'm to obey
you.
_Miss Hoyd_. Why then, if we are to take it by turns, it's
the same thing. I'll obey you now, and when we are married you
shall obey me.
_Fash_. With all my heart. But I doubt we must get nurse on
our side, or we shall hardly prevail with the chaplain.
_Miss Hoyd_. No more we shan't, indeed; for he loves her
better than he loves his pulpit, and would always be a-preaching
to her by his good will.
_Fash_. Why then, my dear, if you'll call her hither we'll
persuade her presently.
_Miss Hoyd_. O Lud! I'll tell you a way how to persuade her
to anything.
_Fash_. How's that?
_Miss Hoyd_. Why tell her she's a handsome comely woman, and
give her half a crown.
_Fash_. Nay, if that will do, she shall have half a score of
'em.
_Miss Hoyd_. O gemini! for half that she'd marry you
herself. --I'll run and call her. [_Exit. ]
Fash_. So! matters go on swimmingly. This is a rare girl,
i'faith. I shall have a fine time on't with her at London.
_Enter_ LORY.
So, Lory, what's the matter?
_Lory_. Here, sir--an intercepted packet from the enemy;
your brother's postilion brought it. I knew the livery, pretended
to be a servant of Sir Tunbelly's, and so got possession of the
letter.
_Fash. [Looks at the letter_. ] Ouns! he tells Sir Tunbelly
here that he will be with him this evening, with a large party to
supper. --Egad, I must marry the girl directly.
_Lory_. Oh, zounds, sir, directly to be sure. Here she
comes. [_Exit_. ]
_Fash_. And the old Jezebel with her.
_Re-enter_ MISS HOYDEN _and_ NURSE.
How do you do, good Mrs. Nurse?
