The conquerors, after pursuing them for some time, returned towards evening to the wrecks, made prizes of most of them, and got up their own islands for in the
engagement
no fewer than eighty had gone down.
Universal Anthology - v07
This was done in a few instants, and served
as a floor for the foot soldiers to form themselves in order of battle upon ; these were commanded by Nightbird, Fairweath- er's son, and two other generals.
On the left wing of the enemy stood the horse pismires, headed by Phaeton. These animals are a species of winged ants, differing from ours only in bulk, the largest of them covering no less than two acres. They have besides one pecul iarity, that they assist their riders in fighting principally with their horns. Their number was given in at about fifty thousand. On the right wing in the first engagement somewhere about fifty thousand gnat riders were posted, all archers, mounted on monstrous huge gnats. Behind these stood the radish darters, a sort of light infantry, but who greatly annoyed the enemy : being armed with slings from which they threw horrid large radishes to a very great distance ; whoever was struck by them died on the spot, and the wound instantly gave out an intoler
AN ANCIENT GULLIVER. 61
able stench, for it is said that they dipped the radishes in mallow poison. Behind them stood the stalky mushrooms, heavy-armed infantry, ten thousand in number, having their name from their bearing a kind of fungus for their shield, and using stalks of large asparagus for spears. Not far from these were placed the dog acorns, who were sent to succor Phaeton from the inhabitants of Sirius, in number five thousand. They were men with dogs' heads, who fought on winged acorns, which served them as chariots. Besides, there went a report that several other reinforcements were to have come, on which Phaeton had reckoned, particularly the slingers that were ex pected from the Milky Way, together with the cloud centaurs. The latter, however, did not arrive till after the affair was decided, and it had been as well for us if they had stayed away ; the slingers, however, came not at all, at which Phaeton was so enraged that he afterwards laid waste their country by fire. These then were all the forces that Phaeton brought into the field.
The signal for the onset was now given on both sides by asses, which in this country are employed instead of trumpeters : and the engagement had no sooner begun, than the left wing of the Heliotans, without waiting for the attack of the horse vultures, turned their backs immediately ; and we pursued them with great slaughter. On the other hand, their right wing at first gained the advantage over our left, and the gnat riders over threw our cabbage fowl with such force, and pursued them with so much fury, that they advanced even to our footmen ; who, however, stood their ground so bravely that the enemy were in their turn thrown into disorder and obliged to fly, especially when they saw that their left wing was routed. Their defeat was now decisive ; we made a great many prisoners, and the slain were so numerous that the clouds were tinged with the blood that was spilt, as they sometimes appear to us at the going down of the sun ; aye, it even trickled down from them upon the earth. So that I was led to suppose that a similar event in former times, in the upper regions, might perhaps have caused those showers of blood which Homer makes his Jupiter rain for Sarpedon's death.
Returning from the pursuit of the enemy, we erected two trophies ; one for the infantry on the cobweb, the other on the clouds for those who had fought in the air. While we were thus employed, intelligence was brought us from our fore posts
52 AN ANCIENT GULLIVER.
that the cloud centaurs were now coming up, which ought to have joined Phaeton before the battle. I must own, that the march towards us of an army of cavalry that were half men and half winged horses, and of whom the human half was as big as the upper moiety of the colossus at Rhodes, and the equine half resembling a great ship of burden, formed a spectacle altogether extraordinary. Their number I rather decline to state, for it was so prodigious that I am fearful I should not be believed. They were led on by Sagittarius from the Zodiac. As soon as they learnt that their friends had been defeated, they sent immediately a dispatch to Phaeton, to call him back to the fight ; whilst they marched up in good array to the terrified Selenites, who had fallen into great disorder in pursuing the enemy and dividing the spoil, put them all to flight, pursued the king himself to the very walls of his capital, killed the greater part of his birds, threw down the trophies, overran the whole field of cobweb, and together with the rest made me and my two com panions prisoners of war. Phaeton at length came up ; and after they had erected other trophies, that same day we were carried prisoners into the sun, our hands tied behind our backs with a cord of the cobweb.
The enemy did not think fit to besiege Endymion's capital, but contented himself with carrying up a double rampart of clouds between the moon and the sun, whereby all communi cation between the two was effectually cut off, and the moon deprived of all sunlight. The poor moon, therefore, from that instant suffered a total eclipse, and was shrouded in complete uninterrupted darkness. In this distress, Endymion had no other resource than to send a deputation to the sun, humbly to entreat him to demolish the wall, and that he would not be so unmerciful as to doom him to utter darkness ; binding himself to pay a tribute to the sun, to assist him with auxiliaries when ever he should be at war, never more to act with hostility against him, and to give hostages as surety for the due performance of the contract. Phaeton held two councils to deliberate on these proposals : in the first, their minds were as yet too soured to admit of a favorable reception ; but in the second, their anger had somewhat subsided, and the peace was concluded by a treaty which ran thus : —
The Heliotans with their allies on the one part, and the Sele nites with their confederates on the other part, have entered into a
AN ANCIENT GULLIVER. 53
league, in which it is stipulated as follows : The Heliotans engage to demolish the wall, never more to make hostile attacks upon the moon, and that the prisoners taken on both sides shall be set at lib erty on the payment of an equitable ransom. The Selenites on their part promise not to infringe the rights and privileges of the other stars, nor ever again to make war upon the Heliotans ; but on the contrary, the two powers shall mutually aid and assist one another with their forces, in case of any invasion. The king of the Selenites also binds himself to pay to the king of the Heliotans a yearly tribute of ten thousand casks of dew, and give ten thousand hostages by way of security. With reference to the colony in the morning star, both the contracting parties shall jointly assist in establishing and lib erty given to any that will to share in the peopling of it. This treaty shall be engraved on pillar of amber, to be set up between the confines of the two kingdoms. To the due performance of this treaty are solemnly sworn, on the part of the
Heliotes.
Fireman. Summerheat. Flamington.
Selenites.
Nightlove. Moonius. Changelight.
This treaty of peace being signed, the wall was pulled down, and the prisoners were exchanged. On our return to the moon, our comrades and Endymion himself came forth to meet us, and embraced us with weeping eyes. The prince would fain have retained us with him making us the proposal at the same time to form part of the new colony, as we liked best. He even offered me his own son for mate (for they have no women
*******
This could by no means be persuaded to, but ear nestly begged that he would set us down upon the sea. Finding that could not be prevailed on to stay, he consented to dis miss us, after he had feasted us most nobly during whole week.
there).
When Selenite grown old, he does not die as we do, but vanishes like smoke in the air.
The whole nation eats the same sort of food. They roast frogs (which with them fly about the air in vast numbers) on coals; then when they are done enough, seating themselves round the hearth, as we do at table, snuff up the effluvia that rises from them, and in this consists their whole meal. When thirsty, they squeeze the air into goblet, which filled in this manner with dewlike moisture. . .
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54 AN ANCIENT GULLIVER.
Whoever would pass for a beauty among them must be bald and without hair ; curly and bushy heads are an abomina tion to them. But in the comets it is just the reverse : for there only curly hair is esteemed beautiful, as some travelers, who were well received in those stars, informed us. Neverthe less they have somewhat of a beard a little above the knee. On their feet they have neither nails nor toes ; for the whole foot is entirely one piece. Every one of them at the point of the rump has a large cabbage growing, in lieu of a tail, always green and flourishing, and which never breaks off though a man falls on his back.
They sneeze a very sour kind of honey ; and when they are at work or gymnastic exercises, or use any exertion, milk oozes from all the pores of the body in such quantities that they make cheese of it, only mixing with it a little of the said honey.
They have an art of extracting an oil from onions, which is very white, and of so fragrant an odor that they use it for per fuming. Moreover, their soil produces a great abundance of vines, which instead of wine yield water grapes, and the grape- stones are the size of our hail. I know not how better to explain the hail with us, than by saying that it hails on the earth whenever the vines in the moon are violently agitated by a high wind, so as to burst the water grapes.
The Selenites wear no pockets, but put all they would carry with them in their bellies, which they can open and shut at
For by nature they are quite empty, having no intestines ; only they are rough and hairy within, so that even their new-born children, when they are cold, creep into them.
pleasure.
As to their clothing, the rich wear garments of glass, but those of the poorer sort are wove of brass ; for these regions are very prolific in ores, and they work it as we do wool, by pouring water upon it.
But what sort of eyes they have, I doubt my veracity would be suspected were I to say ; it is so incredible. Yet, having already related so much of the marvelous, this may as well go along with the rest. They have eyes, then, that they can take out whenever they choose : whoever therefore would save his eyes, takes them out, and lays them by ; if anything that he would fain see presents itself, he puts his eyes in again and looks at it. Some who have carelessly lost their own borrow of others ; for rich people are always provided with a good stock.
AN ANCIENT GULLIVER.
55
Their ears are made of plane-tree leaves, and only the Dendrites have wooden ones.
I saw also another strange object in the king's palace ; which was a looking-glass of enormous dimensions, lying over a well not very deep. Whoever goes down into this well hears everything that is said upon our earth ; and whoever looks in the mirror sees in it all the cities and nations of the world, exactly as if they were standing before him. I saw on this occasion my family and my whole country : whether, however, they likewise saw me, I cannot positively say. He who does not believe what I have mentioned touching the virtues of this looking-glass, if he ever goes thither, may convince himself by his own eyes that I have said nothing but what is true.
We now took our leaves of the king and his court, repaired on board our ship, and departed. Endymion at parting made me a present of two glass and five brazen robes, together with a complete suit of armor made of bean shells ; all of which I was afterwards forced to leave behind in the whale's belly. He likewise sent with us a thousand hippogypes, to escort us five hundred stadia on our way.
After having in our course coasted along several countries, we landed on the morning star, which had lately been culti vated, to take in fresh water. Thence we steered into the Zodiac, sailing close by the sun on the left hand ; but here we did not go ashore, though my companions were very desirous to do so, because the wind was against us. We got near enough, however, to see that the landscape was covered with the most beautiful verdure, well watered, and richly endowed with all sorts of natural productions. The nephelocentaurs, who are mercenaries in the service of Phaeton, on seeing us fled on board our pinnace ; but on being informed that we were included in the treaty of peace, soon departed.
The hippogypes now likewise took leave of us, and all the next night and day, continuing our course, always bearing downwards, towards evening we arrived at a place called Lampton. This city is situated between the Pleiades and Hyades, and a little below the Zodiac. Here we landed, but saw no men ; instead of them, however, we beheld a vast con course of lamps, running to and fro along the streets, and busily employed in the market and the harbor. They were in general little, and had a poor appearance. Some few, we could per
ceive by their fine show and brightness, were the great and
56 AN ANCIENT GULLIVER.
powerful among them. Every one had its own lantern to live in, with their proper names as men have. We likewise heard them articulate a sort of speech. They offered us no injury, but rather seemed to receive us hospitably after their manner ; notwithstanding which, we could not get the better of our fears, and none of us would venture to eat or to sleep with them. In the middle of the city they have a kind of court house, where their chief magistrate sits all the night long, and calls every one by name to him ; and whoever does not answer is treated as a deserter, and punished by death, — that is, he is extinguished. We likewise heard, while standing by to see what passed, some of them make their several excuses, and the reasons they alleged for coming so late. On this occasion I recognized our own house lamp ; upon which I inquired of it how affairs went on at home, and it told me all that it knew.
Having resolved to stay there but one night, we weighed anchor the next morning, and sailed off from Lychnopolis, passing near the clouds, where we, among others, saw to our great astonishment the famous city of Nephelococcygia, but by reason of adverse winds could not enter the port. We learnt, however, that Coronos, Cottyphion's son, was reigning there ; and I for my own part was confirmed in the opinion that I have ever entertained of the wisdom and veracity of the poet Aris tophanes, whose account of that city has been unjustly discred ited. Three days afterwards we came again in sight of the great ocean ; but the earth showed itself nowhere, that floating in the air excepted, which appeared exceedingly fiery and spar kling. On the fourth day about noon, the wind, gently subsid ing, settled us fair and leisurely upon the sea.
It is impossible to describe the ravishment that seized us on feeling ourselves once more on the water. We gave the whole ship's crew a feast on the remainder of our provisions, and afterwards leaped into the water, and bathed to our heart's content ; for it was now a perfect calm, and the sea as smooth as a looking-glass.
Soon, however, we experienced that a sudden change for the better is not seldom the beginning of greater misfortunes. For scarcely had we proceeded two days on the sea, when about sunrise a great many whales and other monsters of the deep appeared. Among the former, one was of a most enormous size, being not less than three hundred miles long. This came towards us, open-mouthed, raising the waves on all sides, and
AN ANCIENT GULLIVER. 67
beating the sea before him into a foam, and showing teeth much larger than our colossal phalli, sharp-pointed as needles and white as ivory. We therefore took our last leave of one another, and while we were thus in mutual embraces expecting him every moment, he came on and swallowed us up, ship and all, at one gulp ; for he found it unnecessary to crush us first with his teeth, but the vessel at one squeeze slipped between the interstices, and went down into his maw.
When we were in, it was at first so dark that we could dis cern nothing ; but when after some time he opened his chops, we saw ourselves in a cavity of such prodigious height and width that it seemed to have room enough for a city of ten thousand inhabitants. All about lay a vast quantity of small fishes, macerated animals, sails, anchors, men's bones, and whole cargoes. Farther in, probably from the quantity of mud this whale had swallowed, was an earth with mountains and valleys upon it ; the former being covered with all sorts of forest trees, and the valleys planted with different herbs and vegetables, so that one would have thought it had been cultivated. This island, if I may so term it, might perhaps be about forty-five miles in circumference. We saw likewise sundry species of sea fowl, gulls, halcyons, and others, that had made their nests upon the trees.
We now had leisure to contemplate our deplorable situation, and wept plentifully. At last when I had somewhat comforted the dejected spirits of my companions, our first business was to make the ship fast ; we then struck fire, and of the fishes, which lay in great quantities and variety about us, we prepared a good meal ; water we had on board, the remainder of what we took in at the morning star.
On getting up the next morning, we perceived that as often as the whale fetched breath, we one while saw mountains, at another nothing but the sky, sometimes likewise islands ; whence we then concluded that he moved about with great velocity, and seemed to visit every part of the ocean.
When we were grown a little familiar with our new place of abode, taking with me seven of my companions, we went into the forest to make farther discoveries. We had not proceeded above a furlong before we came to a temple, which, as the in scription ran, was dedicated to Neptune ; not far off we found a great number of tombs with pillars, and a little farther on, a spring of clear water. We also heard the barking of a dog,
58 AN ANCIENT GULLIVER.
and seeing smoke rise at some distance, we concluded that probably we might not be far from some dwelling. We now doubled our speed, and had not advanced many paces, when we met an old man and a youth very busy in cultivating a kitchen garden, and just then employed in conducting water into it by a furrow from the spring. At this sight, surprised at once both by joy and fear, we stood mute, and it may easily be im agined that they were possessed by the same apprehensions. They paused from their work, and for some time surveyed us attentively, without uttering a sound. At last the old man, taking courage, spoke to us : " Who are you," said he, " demons of the ocean, or miserable men like us ? For as to us, we are men, and from offspring of the earth, as we were, are become inmates of the sea, and are carried up and down with this monster in which we are inclosed, without rightly knowing what to think of ourselves ; for we have every reason to sup pose we are dead, though we believe that we are alive. " "We also, old father," I replied, " are men, who first found ourselves here a short time ago ; for this is but the third day since we were swallowed up, together with our ship : and it is purely the desire of exploring this forest, which appeared so vast and thick, that has brought us hither. But without doubt it was by the guidance of some good genius that we found you, and now know that we are not alone inclosed in this whale. Tell us, then, if I may be so bold, who you are, and how you came hither. " Whereupon the good old man assured us that he would not satisfy our curiosity, till he had first entertained us as well as he was able ; and saying this, he led us into his house, which he had fitted up conveniently. It was commo dious enough for his situation, and provided with pallets and other necessaries. Here, after setting before us legumes, fruits, fish, and wine, and when we had satisfied our appetites, he began to inquire into the accidents that had occurred to us , and I recounted to him everything in order, — the storm, and what befell us on the island, and our voyage in the air, and the war, and all the rest of to the moment of our submersion into the whale.
After having emphatically expressed to me his astonish ment at such wonderful occurrences, he then told us his own story. " My friends," said he, " am merchant of Cyprus. Business called me from home and with my son, whom you see here, and great number of servants, set out on voyage
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59
to Italy, on board a ship freighted with various kinds of mer chandise, the scattered fragments of which you may probably have observed in the whale's gullet. We came as far as Sicily with a prosperous gale ; but there a contrary wind got up, which the third day drove us into the ocean, where we had the mis fortune to fall in with this whale, and to be swallowed up, crew and ship and all. All my people lost their lives, and we two alone remained. Having deposited them in the earth, we built a temple to Neptune, and here we have lived ever since, cultivating our little garden, and raising herbs, which with fish and fruits are our constant nourishment. The forest, which is of great extent, as you see, produces likewise abundance of vines, which yield a delicious wine ; and you may perhaps have seen that we have a spring of fresh and excellent water. We make our bed of leaves, have plenty of fuel, and catch birds in nets, and even live fish, when we get out upon the gills of the monster, where we bathe likewise whenever we have an in clination that way. Besides, not far from hence is a lake of salt water, twenty stadia in circumference, and abounding in fish of various kinds. In this lake we sometimes amuse ourselves with swimming, or in rowing about in a little boat of my own making. In this manner we have now spent seven and twenty years, since we were swallowed up by the whale. We should be contented and easy enough here if our neighbors, who are very unsociable and rude people, were not so troublesome to us. "
"What, then," I exclaimed, "are there any other people
beside us in this whale ? "
" A great many," returned the old man ; " but as
I said, untractable creatures, and of very grotesque shapes. The western part of the forest, towards the tail of the whale, is
inhabited by the Tarichanes, who have the eyes of an eel and the face of a crab, — a warlike, bold, and rude, carnivorous people. On the other side, to the right, the Tritonomensetes dwell, down to the waist resembling men, and below formed like weasels ; yet their disposition is not so mischievous and ferocious as that of the others. On the left hand reside the Carcinocheires and Thynnocephali, the former of whom instead of hands have crabs' claws, the latter have the head of a tunny fish ; these two tribes have entered into alliance, and make common cause in the war. The middle region is occupied by the Pagurades and Psettapodes, a couple of warlike races, who are particularly swift-footed. The eastern parts, next the
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whale's jaws, being generally overwashed by the sea, are almost
I am therefore fain to take up my quarters here, on condition of paying the Psettapodes an annual tribute of five hundred oysters. Such is the internal division of this country ; and you may easily conceive that it is a matter of no small concern to us, how to defend ourselves against so many nations, and at least how to live among them. "
This proposal pleased our host. We therefore repaired to our ship, and made the necessary preparations. An occasion of war we could not be at a loss for. Our host had no more to do but refuse paying the tribute, the day appointed being near at hand ; and this was accordingly agreed on. They sent to demand the tribute. He sent them packing without their errand. At this the Psettapodes and Pagurades were so in censed that with great clamor they fell furiously upon the plantation of Skintharus, — for that was the name of our new friend. As this was no more than we had expected, they found us in a condition to receive them. I had sent out a detachment consisting of half my crew, five and twenty in number, with orders to lie in ambuscade, and when the enemy had passed, to attack him in the rear ; which they did with complete success. I then with the rest of my men, also five and twenty strong (for Skintharus and his son fought with us), marched forward to oppose them ; and when we had come to close quarters, we fought with such bravery and strength that after an obstinate struggle, not without danger on our part, they were at last beat out of the field, and pursued to their dens. Of the enemy were slain a hundred threescore and ten ; on our side we lost only one, — my pilot, who was run through the shoulder by the rib of a mullet.
That day, and the night after it, we lodged in our trenches, and erected the dry backbone of a dolphin as a trophy. But the rumor of this engagement having in the mean time gone abroad, we found the next morning a fresh enemy before us : the Tarichanes under the command of a certain Pelamus in the left wing, the Thynnocephali taking the right, and the Carkino- cheires occupying the center. For the Tritonomendetes, not
uninhabited ;
"Howmanymay youbeinall? "Iasked. —"Abovea thousand. " — "What arms do you wear? " — "None but fish bones. " — "We had best then attack them," said I, " seeing we are armed and they are not. If we once for all subdue them, we may afterwards live without disturbance. "
AN ANCIENT GULLIVER. 61
liking to have anything to do with either party, chose to remain neuter. We came up to the enemy close by the temple of Neptune, where, under so great a war cry that the whole whale rebellowed with it through its immense caverns, the armies rushed to combat. Our enemies, however, being not much better than naked and unarmed, were soon put to flight and chased into the heart of the forest, whereby we became masters of the country.
They sent heralds a little while after, to fetch away their dead and propose terms of accommodation ; which, so far from thinking proper to agree to, we marched in a body against them the very next day, and put them all to the sword, except the Tritonomendetes, who, seeing how it had fared with their fellows, ran away as fast as they could to the whale's gills, and cast themselves headlong into the sea.
We now scoured the country, and finding it cleared of all enemies, we have ever since lived agreeably together, passing our time in bodily exercises and hunting, tending our vines, gathering the fruits of the trees, and living, in one word, like people who make themselves very comfortable in a spacious prison which they cannot get out of. In this manner we spent a year and eight months.
On the fifteenth day of the ninth month, however, at the second opening of the whale's chops (for this he did once every hour, by which periodical gaping we computed the hours of the day), we heard a great cry, and a noise like that of sailors, and the dashing of oars. Not a little alarmed, we crept forward to the jaws of the monster, where, standing between the teeth, where everything might be seen, we beheld one of the most astonishing spectacles, far surpassing all that I had ever seen in my whole life ; men who were five hundred feet in stature, and came sailing on islands, as if they had been on ship board. I am aware that what I am saying will be thought incredible, yet I cannot help proceeding : it must out. These islands were indeed of considerable length, one with another about eighteen miles in circumference ; but proportionally not very high. Upon each of them were some eight and twenty rowers, who, sitting in two rows on both sides, rowed with huge cypresses, having their branches and leaves on. In the after part of the ship (if I may so term it) stood the pilot on a high hill, managing a brazen rudder that might be perhaps six hundred feet long. On the forecastle about forty of them were
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standing, armed for war, and looking in all respects like men, excepting that instead of hair they had flames of fire on their heads, and therefore had no occasion for a helmet. The place of sails on each of these islands was supplied by a thick forest, on which the wind rushing, drove and turned the island, how and whither the pilot would. By the rowers stood one that had the command over them ; and these islands moved by the help of the oar, like so many galleys, with the greatest velocity.
At first we saw only two or three ; by degrees, however, perhaps six hundred came in sight ; and after forming them selves in two lines, they began to engage in a regular sea fight. Many ran foul of each other by the stern with such force that not a few were overset by the violence of the shock, and went to the bottom. Others got entangled together, and obstinately maintained the fight with equal bravery and ardor, and could not easily be parted. The combatants on the foredeck showed the most consummate valor, leaped into the enemy's ships, and cut down all before them, for no quarter was given. Instead of grappling irons, they hurled enormous polypi fast tied to thick ropes, which clung to the forest, with their numerous arms, and thus kept the island from moving. The shot they made use of, and with which they sadly wounded one another, were oysters one of which would have completely filled a wagon, and sponges each big enough to cover an acre of ground.
By what we could gather from their mutual shouts, the commander of one fleet was called iEolocentaurus, and that of the other Thalassopotes ; and the occasion of the war, as it appeared, was given by Thalassopotes, who accused JEolocen- taurus of having stolen several shoals of dolphins from him. Certain it that the iEolocentaurian party came off victo rious, having sunk nearly hundred and fifty of their enemy's islands, and captured three others, with all the men upon them the rest sheered off, and made their escape.
The conquerors, after pursuing them for some time, returned towards evening to the wrecks, made prizes of most of them, and got up their own islands for in the engagement no fewer than eighty had gone down. This done, they nailed one of the islands to the head of the whale as monument of the victory, and passed the night in the wake of the monster. On the follow ing day they got out upon the back of the whale, sacrificed to their deities, buried their dead in it, and then set sail with great jubilation.
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IMAGINARY CORRESPONDENCE. 68
IMAGINARY CORRESPONDENCE. By ALCIPHRON.
(Translated for this work by Forrest Morgan. )
[Alciphron (the name perhaps a pseudonym) was probably a rhetorician of Athens in the second century after Christ. He lives through a collection of imaginary letters of the Athenian lower classes in the third century B. C. , each a tableau of some aspect of that life, mostly drawn from the comic writers, but developed by his own wit. ]
The Neglected Wife.
Panope to Euthyoolus.
You married me, Euthybolus, not a cast-off woman nor one of the herd, but born of a father and mother both of good family. Sosthenes of Stiria was my father and Damophila my mother ; and they united me, your betrothed as being their sole heiress, to you in marriage to have lawful children.
But you, so free with your eyes and given up to promiscu ous amours, disgrace me and our mutual children, Galene and Thalassione, by falling in love with that emigrant creature from Hermione, whom the Piraeus took in for a mischief to beholders. The young sailors go roystering to her, each with a different gift ; and she takes it and swallows it up like Charybdis.
But you look down on fisher-gifts; you don't and won't give her sardines or mullets, say ; and though you are getting old, long since married, and father of children by no means babies, you must send her, to supplant rivals, a Milesian reticule and a Sicilian cloak, and more than all, money.
Now lower your crest, and stop being so amorous and mad after women, or rest assured I shall go back to my father, who will not neglect me, and will indict you before the judges for ill treatment of me.
Country Maiden and Prince Charming.
Q-laucippe to Oharopa.
I am no longer my own, mother, and I cannot bear to wed the one my father has lately promised me in marriage to, — the
64 IMAGINARY CORRESPONDENCE.
young fellow from Methymna, the pilot's son, — because I have seen that city youth, the vine-bearer, since you sent me off to the city when the vine-bearing festival was celebrated.
For he is beautiful, mother, beautiful, and ever so sweet, and has curls crisper than sea-moss, and smiles more charmingly than the sea at rest, and the glances of his dark-blue eyes sparkle like the sea when first lighted up by the rays of the sun. His whole face — oh, you would say the Graces had left Orchomenus and washed clean in the Argaphian fountain to dance on his cheeks. His lips are painted with roses taken from the bosom of Venus and placed on their tips.
Either I must marry him, or in imitation of the Lesbian Sappho I will throw myself — not from the Leucadian rocks but from the cliffs of Piraeus — into the waves.
Charopa to Q-laucippe.
Daughter, you are senseless and not in sound mind. You need hellebore — not indeed the common sort, but that of Anti- cyra of Phocis [reputed to cure insanity]; but when you ought to be ashamed of it, you strip your face of maiden mod esty. Be calm, and come to yourself, and recover from this frenzy, and banish that wretch from your mind. For if your father should learn anything about this story, he would throw you into the sea as food for the fishes, without hesitation or delay.
The Dog in the Manger.
Encymon to Halictypus.
When I saw a broken old net on the shore of Sunium, I asked whose it was, and how it happened that it was not put out to be filled, but right in the fishing season lay there rot ting with age.
They said it was yours four years before ; when it caught on hidden rocks under water, the knots in the middle were cut; that since then you had never cared to mend it or take it away, so it had stayed in the place, none of the neighbors daring to touch another's property.
So it has become nobody's, not merely to the people there, but to you, the owner. Therefore I ask you for what, being long since broken up, is not yours. I am sure you will give
IMAGINARY CORRESPONDENCE. 65
me cheerfully what you have abandoned as utterly destroyed, and so is no loss to you.
Halictypus to Encymon.
A neighbor's eye is hostile and envious, as the proverb has it. What are my affairs to you ? What makes you think, for sooth, that what I choose to neglect is yours ? Restrain your hands, or rather your insatiable greed, so that your appetite for others' goods won't set you asking for unreasonable presents.
Encymon to Halictypus.
I didn't ask you for what you have got, but for what you haven't got. As you don't want another man to have what you haven't got, by all means keep what you haven't got.
The Senile Gallant. Anicetus to Phoebiana.
You shun me, Phoebiana, you shun me, and that after just carrying off the whole farm. For what haven't you taken of mine ? figs, cheese in baskets, a young kid, a pair of pullets, every other delicacy — haven't you accepted them all from me ? So that all of me, as the proverb says, you have conquered and forced into your service.
Oh, you don't care a bit for me, and I burning through and through for you. But farewell — go. I can hardly bear your scorn, but bear it I will.
Phoebiana to Anicetut.
A neighbor's wife in childbirth lately had me called in ; so I betook myself to her with the helps needed in my profession. You were standing by, and must try to kiss me at once with your neck bent back.
Why don't you quit, you decrepit and worthless old man, pawing us girls in the flower of our age, like somebody just sprouting a beard ? You forsake your laborers and let your farm run down, don't you ? Haven't you been driven away from the kitchen and the fireside, you lazy hulk ?
Then how dare you look soft and play goat ? Stop it, you miserable Methuselah, and come to your senses, or when I catch you I will give you a bad time.
VOL. VII. —5
66 IMAGINARY CORRESPONDENCE.
The Unsentimental, Mistress. Philumena to Crito.
Why distress yourself writing so much ?
pieces and I don't need letters. Then if you love me, give ;
if you love your money better, don't bother me.
Hen and Duck-Child. Phyllis to Thrasonides.
Good-by.
If you were willing to be a farmer, and have sense, Thra sonides, and obey your father, you would be carrying the gods ivy and laurel and myrtle and the flowers of the season, and us, your parents, sheaves of wheat, and wine pressed from grapes, and a pailful of milk whenever you milked your goats.
But now you scorn the country and farming, and are always singing the praises of the triple-crested helmet and the shield you love, as if you were some Acarnanian or Malian mercenary.
Don't, my son, but come back here, and stick to a peaceful life (for farming is sure and safe, and has no battalions, or ambushes, or regiments), and be our support in our old age, preferring assured safety to an uncertain life.
The Envious Fellow-Workers. Lenonu to Corydon.
One day lately when I had cleaned up the threshing-floor, and put away the winnowing fan, the master came up, and seeing my industry, praised me. Just then that infamous Corycaean devil, Strombichus, appeared to me from somewhere ; and when he saw me follow the master, he picked up my heavy cloak, which I had laid down while I was at work, and went offwithitonthesly: sothatIhaveatthesametimetobear the loss and stand the jeers of my fellow-servants.
The Curious Country Boy.
I need fifty gold
Philocomug
to Thestylus.
Never having been to the town, and not knowing what the thing called a city is, I want to see this new sight, a lot of men, all living in one inclosure, and the other things in which a city differs from the country.
9#
-•Z. " . V , ,
Noonday in the Fields From the painting by Jules Breton
IMAGINARY CORRESPONDENCE. 67
So if you should have any occasion of going to the town, come and take me along. For I think I ought to know some thing of a good many things, now that the hair on my face is beginning to grow. For who is more fit to be my guide to the mysteries there than you, who have set so many things rolling inside the gates ?
The Losing Winner. Chytrolictes to Patellocharon.
What am I so doleful about, perhaps you will ask me, and where I got my broken head, and how I came to have my new
—
would that I hadn't ! for what business had I, with so little strength, getting into a
suit torn to rags ?
I won playing dice
row with a set of strapping youths ?
It was this way : When I had gathered in every pot, and
they had absolutely nothing left, they all made a dead set on me ; some pounded me with their fists, some threw stones, some tore my clothes. But I kept tight hold of the money, resolved to die rather than give up any of what I wish had been far enough off ; and indeed I held out bravely for some time, one moment standing an onslaught of hammering, the next having my fingers bent back — I was like some Spartan scourged at the altar of Orthia, [where boys were whipped to test their fortitude, and the point of honor was to not cry out].
It was not Lacedaemon where I was going through all this, though, but Athens, and among the worst gamblers in Athens at that ; so at last, beginning to faint, I let them take their ill- gotten booty. Then they went through my pockets and left, carrying off all they found in them. The fact is, I thought it was better to live without money than die with it.
The Barber's Practical Joke. Gymnochceron to Phattodardapto.
Did you see how that cursed barber scraped me on the road ? I mean that gabbing, loose-tongued fellow who has Brundisian mirrors on exhibition, who teaches ravens to talk, and beats tunes by striking carving-knives together.
When I came in and gave him my beard to shave, he re ceived me cheerily, and put me in a high chair with a new
68 IMAGINARY CORRESPONDENCE.
apron around me ; then very gently applied the razor to my lips, and cleared off the fringe of bristling hair. But he did it like a scamp and a cheat, for he cut it off only in spots, not over the whole mouth, leaving me hairy in some places and smooth in others.
Not suspecting his trickery, I went as usual uninvited to Pasion's house. As soon as the carousers saw me, they nearly died with laughter, I not knowing what they were laughing at ; finally one of them came up to me in the middle of the room and tweaked the hairs that were left.
Angrily snatching up a kitchen knife, I cut them off. I am eager to get hold of a big cudgel and whack that scoundrel over the head ; for he, though he furnishes none of my bread and butter, has dared to play me a trick which those who do furnish it would not dare.
The Fate of a Meddler.
Triclinosax to Onossotrapezo.
I told Menesilochus the Paeanian of his wife's licentious ness; but whereas he ought to have investigated by an inquiry in various methods, he like a great booby left it all to her dec laration. So she took him to the well of Callichorus in Eleusis, denied it on oath, and rid herself of the guilt.
Well, somehow he was convinced and cast aside all suspi cion. And I am ready to hold out my blabbing tongue to be cut out with a Tenedian oyster shell, by any one who wishes.
At the End of His Rope. Artepithymug to Cnisozomv. 8.
I may as well hang myself, and you will see me before long with a rope around my neck. For I am not the sort to endure blows and the other drunken brutalities of the worst kind of ruined clubmen, nor to govern this vile and gluttonous stomach — which craves not merely fullness but luxury. My face will not stand incessant pounding, and I am in danger as to my eyes, besides that of wasting away under the annoyance of the beatings. Oh, woe is me ! what are we not forced to un dergo by an omnivorous and voracious stomach ! So I have made up my mind to enjoy one sumptuous feast and spurn existence, choosing a sweet death rather than a wretched life.
A LITERARY BANQUET. 69
A LITERARY
By ATHEN^EUS.
[Athen^us, a Greek man of letters, was born at the Greek colony of Nau- cratis in Egypt ; flourished at the end of the second and beginning of the third century b. c. His one surviving work, the " Deipnosophistae " (Feast of the Learned), is of enormous value as a repertory of the social life of the Greeks, and a collection of fragments (unluckily often literarily worthless fragments) of lost comedies and poems. ]
And I will prove to you, that the ancients were acquainted
with the water which is called dicoctas, in order that you may
not be indignant again when I speak of boiled" and spiced
water. For, according to the "Pseudheracles of Phere-
crates : —
Suppose a man who thinks himself a genius
Should something say, and I should contradict him, Still trouble not yourself ; but if you please,
Listen and give your best attention.
BANQUET.
But do not grudge, I entreat you, said Ulpian, to explain to me what is the nature of that Bull's water which you spoke of ; for I have a great thirst for such words. And Cynulcus said, But I pledge you, according to your fancy ; you thirst for words, taking a desire from Alexis, out of his female Pythago rean : —
A cup of water boil'd ; for when fresh-drawn 'Tis heavy, and indigestible to drink.
But it was Sophocles, my friend, who spoke of Bull's water, in his " jEgeus," from the river Taurus near Trcezen, in the neigh borhood of which there is a fountain called Hyoessa.
But the ancients did also at times use very cold water in their draughts before dinner. But I will not tell you, unless you first teach me, whether the ancients were in the habit of drinking warm water at their banquets. For if their cups got their name from what took place in reference to them, and if they were set before the guests full of mixed liquors, then they certainly did not contain warm drink, and were not put on the fire like kettles. For that they were in the habit of drinking warm water Eupolis proves, in his " Demi " : —
Warm for us now the brazen ewer quick, And bid the slaves prepare the victims new, That we may feast upon the entrails.
70 A LITERARY BANQUET.
And Antiphanes says, in his " Omphale " : —
May I ne'er see a man Boiling me water in a bubbling pail ;
For I have no disease, and wish for none. But if I feel a pain within my stomach, Or round about my navel, why I have
A ring I lately gave a drachma for
To a most skillful doctor.
And, in his " Anointing Woman " (but this play is attributed to Alexis also), he says : —
But if you make our shop notorious,
I swear by Ceres, best of goddesses,
That I will empt the biggest ladle o'er you, Filling it with hot water from the kettle ;
And if I fail, may I ne'er drink free water more.
And Plato, in the fourth book of his " Polity," says :
in the mind must be much the same as thirst is in the body. Now, a man feels thirst for hot water or for cold ; or for much water or for a little; or perhaps, in a word, for some particular drink. And if there be any heat combined with the thirst, then that will give a desire for cold water ; but if a sensation of cold be united with it, that will engender a wish for warm water. And if by reason of the violence of the cause the thirst be great, that will give a desire for an abundant draught ; but if the thirst be small, then the man will wish for but a small draught. But the thirst itself is not a desire of anything except of the thing itself, namely, drinking. And hunger, again, is not a desire of anything else except food. " "
And Semus the Delian, in the second book of his Nesias," or treatise on Islands, says that in the island of Cimolus, cold places are prepared by being dug out against the summer, where people may put down vessels full of warm water, and then draw them up again in no respect different from snow. But warm water is called by the Athenians metaceras, a word used by Sophilus, in his Androcles. And Alexis says, in his " Sacrians " : —
But the maid-servants poured forth water,
One pouring boiling water, and the other warm.
And Philemon, in his " Corinthian Women," uses the same word. And Amphis says, in his " Bath " : —
" Desire
A LITERARY BANQUET. 71
One called out to the slaves to bring hot water, Another shouted for metaceras.
And as the Cynic was proceeding to heap other proofs on these, Pontianus said, " The ancients, my friends, were in the habit also of drinking very cold water. " At all events Alexis says, in his " Parasite " : —
I wish to make you taste this icy water,
For I
Is colder than the Arams.
am proud of my well, whose limpid spring
And Hermippus, in his " Cercopes," calls water drawn from wells <ppearialov vBup. Moreover, that men" used to drink melted snow," too, is shown by Alexis, in his Woman eating Mandragora : —
Sure is not a man a most superfluous plant, Constantly using wondrous contradictions. Strangers we love, and our own kin neglect; Though having nothing, still we give to strangers. We bear our share in picnics, though we grudge And show our grudging by our sordidness.
And as to what concerns our daily food,
We wish our barley-cakes should white appear, And yet we make for them dark black sauce, And stain pure color with deeper dye.
Then we prepare to drink down melted snow Yet our fish be cold, we storm and rave.
Sour or acid wine we scorn and loathe,
Yet are delighted with sharp caper sauce.
And so, as many wiser men have said,
Not to be born at all best for man
The next best thing, to die as soon as possible.
And Dexicrates, in the play entitled "The Men deceived by Themselves," says —
But when I'm drunk take draught of snow, And Egypt gives me ointment for my head.
And Euthycles, in his "Prodigal Men," or "The Letter,"
says —
He first perceived that snow was worth prize He ought to be the first to eat the honeycombs.
And that excellent writer, Xenophon, in his "Memorabilia," shows that he was acquainted with the fashion of drinking
a ;
;
:
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is
:
;
if
aa
it,
72 A LITERARY BANQUET.
snow. But Chares of Mitylene, in his " History of Alexan der," has told us how we are to proceed in order to keep snow, when he is relating the siege of the Indian city Petra. For he says that Alexander dug thirty large trenches close to one another, and filled them with snow, and then he heaped on the snow branches of oak ; for that in that way snow would last a long time.
And that they used to cool wine, for the sake of drinking it in a colder state," is asserted by Strattis, in his " Psychastae," or " Cold Hunters : —
For no one ever would endure warm wine, But on the contrary, we use our wells
To cool it in, and then we mix with snow.
And Lysippus says, in his " Bacchae " : —
A. Hermon, what is the matter ? Where are we ? B. Nothing's the matter, only that your father
Has just dropt down into the well to cool himself, As men cool wine in summer.
And Diphilus says, in his " Little Monument " : — Cool the wine quick, 0 Doris.
And Protagoras, in the second book of his "Comic His tories," relating the voyage of King Antiochus down the river, says something about the contrivances for procuring cold water, in these terms : " For during the day they expose it to the sun, and then at night they skim off the thickest part which rises to the surface, and expose the rest to the air, in large earthen ewers, on the highest parts of the house, and two slaves are kept sprinkling the vessels with water the whole night. And at daybreak they bring them down, and again they skim off the sediment, making the water very thin, and exceedingly wholesome, and then they immerse the ewers in straw, and after that they use the water, which has become so cold as not to require snow to cool it. " And Anaxilas speaks of water from cisterns, in his " Flute Player," using the follow ing expressions : —
A. I want some water from a cistern now.
B. I have some here and you are welcome to it.
And, in a subsequent passage, he says : — Perhaps the cistern water is all lost.
A LITERARY BANQUET. 78
But Apollodorus of Gela mentions the cistern itself, \a/c«co? , as we call it, in his " Female Deserter," saying : —
In haste I loosed the bucket of the cistern, And then that of the well ; and took good care To have the ropes all ready to let down.
Myrtilus, hearing this conversation, said, And I too, being very fond of salt fish, my friends, wish to drink snow, according to the practice of Simonides. And Ulpian said, The word <f>i\ordpi. x^ fond of salt fish, is used by Antiphanes in his " Omphale," where he says : —
I am not anxious for salt fish, my girl.
But Alexis, in his " Gynaecocracy," speaks of one man as £o>nordpixo<;, or fond of sauce made from salt fish, saying : —
But the Cilician here, this Hippocles, This epicure of salt-fish sauce, this actor.
But what you mean by " according to the practice of Simoni des," I do not know. No ; for you do not care, said Myrtilus, to know anything about history, you glutton : for you are a mere lickplatter ; and as the Sarnian poet Asius, that ancient bard, would call you, a flatterer of fat. But Callistratus, in the seventh book of his " Miscellanies," says that Simonides, the poet, when feasting with a party at a season of violently hot weather, while the cup-bearers were pouring out, for the rest of the guests, snow into their liquor, and did not do so for him, extemporized this epigram : —
The cloak with which fierce Boreas clothed the brow Of high Olympus, pierced ill-clothed man
While in its native Thrace ; 'tis gentler now,
Caught by the breeze of the Pierian plain.
Let it be mine ; for no one will commend The man who gives hot water to a friend.
So when he had drunk, Ulpian asked him again where the word Kvi<ro\oi-xp<; is used, and also, what are the lines of Asius in which he uses the word KviaoicoXaf;.
as a floor for the foot soldiers to form themselves in order of battle upon ; these were commanded by Nightbird, Fairweath- er's son, and two other generals.
On the left wing of the enemy stood the horse pismires, headed by Phaeton. These animals are a species of winged ants, differing from ours only in bulk, the largest of them covering no less than two acres. They have besides one pecul iarity, that they assist their riders in fighting principally with their horns. Their number was given in at about fifty thousand. On the right wing in the first engagement somewhere about fifty thousand gnat riders were posted, all archers, mounted on monstrous huge gnats. Behind these stood the radish darters, a sort of light infantry, but who greatly annoyed the enemy : being armed with slings from which they threw horrid large radishes to a very great distance ; whoever was struck by them died on the spot, and the wound instantly gave out an intoler
AN ANCIENT GULLIVER. 61
able stench, for it is said that they dipped the radishes in mallow poison. Behind them stood the stalky mushrooms, heavy-armed infantry, ten thousand in number, having their name from their bearing a kind of fungus for their shield, and using stalks of large asparagus for spears. Not far from these were placed the dog acorns, who were sent to succor Phaeton from the inhabitants of Sirius, in number five thousand. They were men with dogs' heads, who fought on winged acorns, which served them as chariots. Besides, there went a report that several other reinforcements were to have come, on which Phaeton had reckoned, particularly the slingers that were ex pected from the Milky Way, together with the cloud centaurs. The latter, however, did not arrive till after the affair was decided, and it had been as well for us if they had stayed away ; the slingers, however, came not at all, at which Phaeton was so enraged that he afterwards laid waste their country by fire. These then were all the forces that Phaeton brought into the field.
The signal for the onset was now given on both sides by asses, which in this country are employed instead of trumpeters : and the engagement had no sooner begun, than the left wing of the Heliotans, without waiting for the attack of the horse vultures, turned their backs immediately ; and we pursued them with great slaughter. On the other hand, their right wing at first gained the advantage over our left, and the gnat riders over threw our cabbage fowl with such force, and pursued them with so much fury, that they advanced even to our footmen ; who, however, stood their ground so bravely that the enemy were in their turn thrown into disorder and obliged to fly, especially when they saw that their left wing was routed. Their defeat was now decisive ; we made a great many prisoners, and the slain were so numerous that the clouds were tinged with the blood that was spilt, as they sometimes appear to us at the going down of the sun ; aye, it even trickled down from them upon the earth. So that I was led to suppose that a similar event in former times, in the upper regions, might perhaps have caused those showers of blood which Homer makes his Jupiter rain for Sarpedon's death.
Returning from the pursuit of the enemy, we erected two trophies ; one for the infantry on the cobweb, the other on the clouds for those who had fought in the air. While we were thus employed, intelligence was brought us from our fore posts
52 AN ANCIENT GULLIVER.
that the cloud centaurs were now coming up, which ought to have joined Phaeton before the battle. I must own, that the march towards us of an army of cavalry that were half men and half winged horses, and of whom the human half was as big as the upper moiety of the colossus at Rhodes, and the equine half resembling a great ship of burden, formed a spectacle altogether extraordinary. Their number I rather decline to state, for it was so prodigious that I am fearful I should not be believed. They were led on by Sagittarius from the Zodiac. As soon as they learnt that their friends had been defeated, they sent immediately a dispatch to Phaeton, to call him back to the fight ; whilst they marched up in good array to the terrified Selenites, who had fallen into great disorder in pursuing the enemy and dividing the spoil, put them all to flight, pursued the king himself to the very walls of his capital, killed the greater part of his birds, threw down the trophies, overran the whole field of cobweb, and together with the rest made me and my two com panions prisoners of war. Phaeton at length came up ; and after they had erected other trophies, that same day we were carried prisoners into the sun, our hands tied behind our backs with a cord of the cobweb.
The enemy did not think fit to besiege Endymion's capital, but contented himself with carrying up a double rampart of clouds between the moon and the sun, whereby all communi cation between the two was effectually cut off, and the moon deprived of all sunlight. The poor moon, therefore, from that instant suffered a total eclipse, and was shrouded in complete uninterrupted darkness. In this distress, Endymion had no other resource than to send a deputation to the sun, humbly to entreat him to demolish the wall, and that he would not be so unmerciful as to doom him to utter darkness ; binding himself to pay a tribute to the sun, to assist him with auxiliaries when ever he should be at war, never more to act with hostility against him, and to give hostages as surety for the due performance of the contract. Phaeton held two councils to deliberate on these proposals : in the first, their minds were as yet too soured to admit of a favorable reception ; but in the second, their anger had somewhat subsided, and the peace was concluded by a treaty which ran thus : —
The Heliotans with their allies on the one part, and the Sele nites with their confederates on the other part, have entered into a
AN ANCIENT GULLIVER. 53
league, in which it is stipulated as follows : The Heliotans engage to demolish the wall, never more to make hostile attacks upon the moon, and that the prisoners taken on both sides shall be set at lib erty on the payment of an equitable ransom. The Selenites on their part promise not to infringe the rights and privileges of the other stars, nor ever again to make war upon the Heliotans ; but on the contrary, the two powers shall mutually aid and assist one another with their forces, in case of any invasion. The king of the Selenites also binds himself to pay to the king of the Heliotans a yearly tribute of ten thousand casks of dew, and give ten thousand hostages by way of security. With reference to the colony in the morning star, both the contracting parties shall jointly assist in establishing and lib erty given to any that will to share in the peopling of it. This treaty shall be engraved on pillar of amber, to be set up between the confines of the two kingdoms. To the due performance of this treaty are solemnly sworn, on the part of the
Heliotes.
Fireman. Summerheat. Flamington.
Selenites.
Nightlove. Moonius. Changelight.
This treaty of peace being signed, the wall was pulled down, and the prisoners were exchanged. On our return to the moon, our comrades and Endymion himself came forth to meet us, and embraced us with weeping eyes. The prince would fain have retained us with him making us the proposal at the same time to form part of the new colony, as we liked best. He even offered me his own son for mate (for they have no women
*******
This could by no means be persuaded to, but ear nestly begged that he would set us down upon the sea. Finding that could not be prevailed on to stay, he consented to dis miss us, after he had feasted us most nobly during whole week.
there).
When Selenite grown old, he does not die as we do, but vanishes like smoke in the air.
The whole nation eats the same sort of food. They roast frogs (which with them fly about the air in vast numbers) on coals; then when they are done enough, seating themselves round the hearth, as we do at table, snuff up the effluvia that rises from them, and in this consists their whole meal. When thirsty, they squeeze the air into goblet, which filled in this manner with dewlike moisture. . .
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is
is
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it,
a
54 AN ANCIENT GULLIVER.
Whoever would pass for a beauty among them must be bald and without hair ; curly and bushy heads are an abomina tion to them. But in the comets it is just the reverse : for there only curly hair is esteemed beautiful, as some travelers, who were well received in those stars, informed us. Neverthe less they have somewhat of a beard a little above the knee. On their feet they have neither nails nor toes ; for the whole foot is entirely one piece. Every one of them at the point of the rump has a large cabbage growing, in lieu of a tail, always green and flourishing, and which never breaks off though a man falls on his back.
They sneeze a very sour kind of honey ; and when they are at work or gymnastic exercises, or use any exertion, milk oozes from all the pores of the body in such quantities that they make cheese of it, only mixing with it a little of the said honey.
They have an art of extracting an oil from onions, which is very white, and of so fragrant an odor that they use it for per fuming. Moreover, their soil produces a great abundance of vines, which instead of wine yield water grapes, and the grape- stones are the size of our hail. I know not how better to explain the hail with us, than by saying that it hails on the earth whenever the vines in the moon are violently agitated by a high wind, so as to burst the water grapes.
The Selenites wear no pockets, but put all they would carry with them in their bellies, which they can open and shut at
For by nature they are quite empty, having no intestines ; only they are rough and hairy within, so that even their new-born children, when they are cold, creep into them.
pleasure.
As to their clothing, the rich wear garments of glass, but those of the poorer sort are wove of brass ; for these regions are very prolific in ores, and they work it as we do wool, by pouring water upon it.
But what sort of eyes they have, I doubt my veracity would be suspected were I to say ; it is so incredible. Yet, having already related so much of the marvelous, this may as well go along with the rest. They have eyes, then, that they can take out whenever they choose : whoever therefore would save his eyes, takes them out, and lays them by ; if anything that he would fain see presents itself, he puts his eyes in again and looks at it. Some who have carelessly lost their own borrow of others ; for rich people are always provided with a good stock.
AN ANCIENT GULLIVER.
55
Their ears are made of plane-tree leaves, and only the Dendrites have wooden ones.
I saw also another strange object in the king's palace ; which was a looking-glass of enormous dimensions, lying over a well not very deep. Whoever goes down into this well hears everything that is said upon our earth ; and whoever looks in the mirror sees in it all the cities and nations of the world, exactly as if they were standing before him. I saw on this occasion my family and my whole country : whether, however, they likewise saw me, I cannot positively say. He who does not believe what I have mentioned touching the virtues of this looking-glass, if he ever goes thither, may convince himself by his own eyes that I have said nothing but what is true.
We now took our leaves of the king and his court, repaired on board our ship, and departed. Endymion at parting made me a present of two glass and five brazen robes, together with a complete suit of armor made of bean shells ; all of which I was afterwards forced to leave behind in the whale's belly. He likewise sent with us a thousand hippogypes, to escort us five hundred stadia on our way.
After having in our course coasted along several countries, we landed on the morning star, which had lately been culti vated, to take in fresh water. Thence we steered into the Zodiac, sailing close by the sun on the left hand ; but here we did not go ashore, though my companions were very desirous to do so, because the wind was against us. We got near enough, however, to see that the landscape was covered with the most beautiful verdure, well watered, and richly endowed with all sorts of natural productions. The nephelocentaurs, who are mercenaries in the service of Phaeton, on seeing us fled on board our pinnace ; but on being informed that we were included in the treaty of peace, soon departed.
The hippogypes now likewise took leave of us, and all the next night and day, continuing our course, always bearing downwards, towards evening we arrived at a place called Lampton. This city is situated between the Pleiades and Hyades, and a little below the Zodiac. Here we landed, but saw no men ; instead of them, however, we beheld a vast con course of lamps, running to and fro along the streets, and busily employed in the market and the harbor. They were in general little, and had a poor appearance. Some few, we could per
ceive by their fine show and brightness, were the great and
56 AN ANCIENT GULLIVER.
powerful among them. Every one had its own lantern to live in, with their proper names as men have. We likewise heard them articulate a sort of speech. They offered us no injury, but rather seemed to receive us hospitably after their manner ; notwithstanding which, we could not get the better of our fears, and none of us would venture to eat or to sleep with them. In the middle of the city they have a kind of court house, where their chief magistrate sits all the night long, and calls every one by name to him ; and whoever does not answer is treated as a deserter, and punished by death, — that is, he is extinguished. We likewise heard, while standing by to see what passed, some of them make their several excuses, and the reasons they alleged for coming so late. On this occasion I recognized our own house lamp ; upon which I inquired of it how affairs went on at home, and it told me all that it knew.
Having resolved to stay there but one night, we weighed anchor the next morning, and sailed off from Lychnopolis, passing near the clouds, where we, among others, saw to our great astonishment the famous city of Nephelococcygia, but by reason of adverse winds could not enter the port. We learnt, however, that Coronos, Cottyphion's son, was reigning there ; and I for my own part was confirmed in the opinion that I have ever entertained of the wisdom and veracity of the poet Aris tophanes, whose account of that city has been unjustly discred ited. Three days afterwards we came again in sight of the great ocean ; but the earth showed itself nowhere, that floating in the air excepted, which appeared exceedingly fiery and spar kling. On the fourth day about noon, the wind, gently subsid ing, settled us fair and leisurely upon the sea.
It is impossible to describe the ravishment that seized us on feeling ourselves once more on the water. We gave the whole ship's crew a feast on the remainder of our provisions, and afterwards leaped into the water, and bathed to our heart's content ; for it was now a perfect calm, and the sea as smooth as a looking-glass.
Soon, however, we experienced that a sudden change for the better is not seldom the beginning of greater misfortunes. For scarcely had we proceeded two days on the sea, when about sunrise a great many whales and other monsters of the deep appeared. Among the former, one was of a most enormous size, being not less than three hundred miles long. This came towards us, open-mouthed, raising the waves on all sides, and
AN ANCIENT GULLIVER. 67
beating the sea before him into a foam, and showing teeth much larger than our colossal phalli, sharp-pointed as needles and white as ivory. We therefore took our last leave of one another, and while we were thus in mutual embraces expecting him every moment, he came on and swallowed us up, ship and all, at one gulp ; for he found it unnecessary to crush us first with his teeth, but the vessel at one squeeze slipped between the interstices, and went down into his maw.
When we were in, it was at first so dark that we could dis cern nothing ; but when after some time he opened his chops, we saw ourselves in a cavity of such prodigious height and width that it seemed to have room enough for a city of ten thousand inhabitants. All about lay a vast quantity of small fishes, macerated animals, sails, anchors, men's bones, and whole cargoes. Farther in, probably from the quantity of mud this whale had swallowed, was an earth with mountains and valleys upon it ; the former being covered with all sorts of forest trees, and the valleys planted with different herbs and vegetables, so that one would have thought it had been cultivated. This island, if I may so term it, might perhaps be about forty-five miles in circumference. We saw likewise sundry species of sea fowl, gulls, halcyons, and others, that had made their nests upon the trees.
We now had leisure to contemplate our deplorable situation, and wept plentifully. At last when I had somewhat comforted the dejected spirits of my companions, our first business was to make the ship fast ; we then struck fire, and of the fishes, which lay in great quantities and variety about us, we prepared a good meal ; water we had on board, the remainder of what we took in at the morning star.
On getting up the next morning, we perceived that as often as the whale fetched breath, we one while saw mountains, at another nothing but the sky, sometimes likewise islands ; whence we then concluded that he moved about with great velocity, and seemed to visit every part of the ocean.
When we were grown a little familiar with our new place of abode, taking with me seven of my companions, we went into the forest to make farther discoveries. We had not proceeded above a furlong before we came to a temple, which, as the in scription ran, was dedicated to Neptune ; not far off we found a great number of tombs with pillars, and a little farther on, a spring of clear water. We also heard the barking of a dog,
58 AN ANCIENT GULLIVER.
and seeing smoke rise at some distance, we concluded that probably we might not be far from some dwelling. We now doubled our speed, and had not advanced many paces, when we met an old man and a youth very busy in cultivating a kitchen garden, and just then employed in conducting water into it by a furrow from the spring. At this sight, surprised at once both by joy and fear, we stood mute, and it may easily be im agined that they were possessed by the same apprehensions. They paused from their work, and for some time surveyed us attentively, without uttering a sound. At last the old man, taking courage, spoke to us : " Who are you," said he, " demons of the ocean, or miserable men like us ? For as to us, we are men, and from offspring of the earth, as we were, are become inmates of the sea, and are carried up and down with this monster in which we are inclosed, without rightly knowing what to think of ourselves ; for we have every reason to sup pose we are dead, though we believe that we are alive. " "We also, old father," I replied, " are men, who first found ourselves here a short time ago ; for this is but the third day since we were swallowed up, together with our ship : and it is purely the desire of exploring this forest, which appeared so vast and thick, that has brought us hither. But without doubt it was by the guidance of some good genius that we found you, and now know that we are not alone inclosed in this whale. Tell us, then, if I may be so bold, who you are, and how you came hither. " Whereupon the good old man assured us that he would not satisfy our curiosity, till he had first entertained us as well as he was able ; and saying this, he led us into his house, which he had fitted up conveniently. It was commo dious enough for his situation, and provided with pallets and other necessaries. Here, after setting before us legumes, fruits, fish, and wine, and when we had satisfied our appetites, he began to inquire into the accidents that had occurred to us , and I recounted to him everything in order, — the storm, and what befell us on the island, and our voyage in the air, and the war, and all the rest of to the moment of our submersion into the whale.
After having emphatically expressed to me his astonish ment at such wonderful occurrences, he then told us his own story. " My friends," said he, " am merchant of Cyprus. Business called me from home and with my son, whom you see here, and great number of servants, set out on voyage
a
I a
;
I a
it,
AN ANCIENT GULLIVER.
59
to Italy, on board a ship freighted with various kinds of mer chandise, the scattered fragments of which you may probably have observed in the whale's gullet. We came as far as Sicily with a prosperous gale ; but there a contrary wind got up, which the third day drove us into the ocean, where we had the mis fortune to fall in with this whale, and to be swallowed up, crew and ship and all. All my people lost their lives, and we two alone remained. Having deposited them in the earth, we built a temple to Neptune, and here we have lived ever since, cultivating our little garden, and raising herbs, which with fish and fruits are our constant nourishment. The forest, which is of great extent, as you see, produces likewise abundance of vines, which yield a delicious wine ; and you may perhaps have seen that we have a spring of fresh and excellent water. We make our bed of leaves, have plenty of fuel, and catch birds in nets, and even live fish, when we get out upon the gills of the monster, where we bathe likewise whenever we have an in clination that way. Besides, not far from hence is a lake of salt water, twenty stadia in circumference, and abounding in fish of various kinds. In this lake we sometimes amuse ourselves with swimming, or in rowing about in a little boat of my own making. In this manner we have now spent seven and twenty years, since we were swallowed up by the whale. We should be contented and easy enough here if our neighbors, who are very unsociable and rude people, were not so troublesome to us. "
"What, then," I exclaimed, "are there any other people
beside us in this whale ? "
" A great many," returned the old man ; " but as
I said, untractable creatures, and of very grotesque shapes. The western part of the forest, towards the tail of the whale, is
inhabited by the Tarichanes, who have the eyes of an eel and the face of a crab, — a warlike, bold, and rude, carnivorous people. On the other side, to the right, the Tritonomensetes dwell, down to the waist resembling men, and below formed like weasels ; yet their disposition is not so mischievous and ferocious as that of the others. On the left hand reside the Carcinocheires and Thynnocephali, the former of whom instead of hands have crabs' claws, the latter have the head of a tunny fish ; these two tribes have entered into alliance, and make common cause in the war. The middle region is occupied by the Pagurades and Psettapodes, a couple of warlike races, who are particularly swift-footed. The eastern parts, next the
60
AN ANCIENT GULLIVER.
whale's jaws, being generally overwashed by the sea, are almost
I am therefore fain to take up my quarters here, on condition of paying the Psettapodes an annual tribute of five hundred oysters. Such is the internal division of this country ; and you may easily conceive that it is a matter of no small concern to us, how to defend ourselves against so many nations, and at least how to live among them. "
This proposal pleased our host. We therefore repaired to our ship, and made the necessary preparations. An occasion of war we could not be at a loss for. Our host had no more to do but refuse paying the tribute, the day appointed being near at hand ; and this was accordingly agreed on. They sent to demand the tribute. He sent them packing without their errand. At this the Psettapodes and Pagurades were so in censed that with great clamor they fell furiously upon the plantation of Skintharus, — for that was the name of our new friend. As this was no more than we had expected, they found us in a condition to receive them. I had sent out a detachment consisting of half my crew, five and twenty in number, with orders to lie in ambuscade, and when the enemy had passed, to attack him in the rear ; which they did with complete success. I then with the rest of my men, also five and twenty strong (for Skintharus and his son fought with us), marched forward to oppose them ; and when we had come to close quarters, we fought with such bravery and strength that after an obstinate struggle, not without danger on our part, they were at last beat out of the field, and pursued to their dens. Of the enemy were slain a hundred threescore and ten ; on our side we lost only one, — my pilot, who was run through the shoulder by the rib of a mullet.
That day, and the night after it, we lodged in our trenches, and erected the dry backbone of a dolphin as a trophy. But the rumor of this engagement having in the mean time gone abroad, we found the next morning a fresh enemy before us : the Tarichanes under the command of a certain Pelamus in the left wing, the Thynnocephali taking the right, and the Carkino- cheires occupying the center. For the Tritonomendetes, not
uninhabited ;
"Howmanymay youbeinall? "Iasked. —"Abovea thousand. " — "What arms do you wear? " — "None but fish bones. " — "We had best then attack them," said I, " seeing we are armed and they are not. If we once for all subdue them, we may afterwards live without disturbance. "
AN ANCIENT GULLIVER. 61
liking to have anything to do with either party, chose to remain neuter. We came up to the enemy close by the temple of Neptune, where, under so great a war cry that the whole whale rebellowed with it through its immense caverns, the armies rushed to combat. Our enemies, however, being not much better than naked and unarmed, were soon put to flight and chased into the heart of the forest, whereby we became masters of the country.
They sent heralds a little while after, to fetch away their dead and propose terms of accommodation ; which, so far from thinking proper to agree to, we marched in a body against them the very next day, and put them all to the sword, except the Tritonomendetes, who, seeing how it had fared with their fellows, ran away as fast as they could to the whale's gills, and cast themselves headlong into the sea.
We now scoured the country, and finding it cleared of all enemies, we have ever since lived agreeably together, passing our time in bodily exercises and hunting, tending our vines, gathering the fruits of the trees, and living, in one word, like people who make themselves very comfortable in a spacious prison which they cannot get out of. In this manner we spent a year and eight months.
On the fifteenth day of the ninth month, however, at the second opening of the whale's chops (for this he did once every hour, by which periodical gaping we computed the hours of the day), we heard a great cry, and a noise like that of sailors, and the dashing of oars. Not a little alarmed, we crept forward to the jaws of the monster, where, standing between the teeth, where everything might be seen, we beheld one of the most astonishing spectacles, far surpassing all that I had ever seen in my whole life ; men who were five hundred feet in stature, and came sailing on islands, as if they had been on ship board. I am aware that what I am saying will be thought incredible, yet I cannot help proceeding : it must out. These islands were indeed of considerable length, one with another about eighteen miles in circumference ; but proportionally not very high. Upon each of them were some eight and twenty rowers, who, sitting in two rows on both sides, rowed with huge cypresses, having their branches and leaves on. In the after part of the ship (if I may so term it) stood the pilot on a high hill, managing a brazen rudder that might be perhaps six hundred feet long. On the forecastle about forty of them were
62
AN ANCIENT GULLIVER.
standing, armed for war, and looking in all respects like men, excepting that instead of hair they had flames of fire on their heads, and therefore had no occasion for a helmet. The place of sails on each of these islands was supplied by a thick forest, on which the wind rushing, drove and turned the island, how and whither the pilot would. By the rowers stood one that had the command over them ; and these islands moved by the help of the oar, like so many galleys, with the greatest velocity.
At first we saw only two or three ; by degrees, however, perhaps six hundred came in sight ; and after forming them selves in two lines, they began to engage in a regular sea fight. Many ran foul of each other by the stern with such force that not a few were overset by the violence of the shock, and went to the bottom. Others got entangled together, and obstinately maintained the fight with equal bravery and ardor, and could not easily be parted. The combatants on the foredeck showed the most consummate valor, leaped into the enemy's ships, and cut down all before them, for no quarter was given. Instead of grappling irons, they hurled enormous polypi fast tied to thick ropes, which clung to the forest, with their numerous arms, and thus kept the island from moving. The shot they made use of, and with which they sadly wounded one another, were oysters one of which would have completely filled a wagon, and sponges each big enough to cover an acre of ground.
By what we could gather from their mutual shouts, the commander of one fleet was called iEolocentaurus, and that of the other Thalassopotes ; and the occasion of the war, as it appeared, was given by Thalassopotes, who accused JEolocen- taurus of having stolen several shoals of dolphins from him. Certain it that the iEolocentaurian party came off victo rious, having sunk nearly hundred and fifty of their enemy's islands, and captured three others, with all the men upon them the rest sheered off, and made their escape.
The conquerors, after pursuing them for some time, returned towards evening to the wrecks, made prizes of most of them, and got up their own islands for in the engagement no fewer than eighty had gone down. This done, they nailed one of the islands to the head of the whale as monument of the victory, and passed the night in the wake of the monster. On the follow ing day they got out upon the back of the whale, sacrificed to their deities, buried their dead in it, and then set sail with great jubilation.
a
;
is,
;
a
IMAGINARY CORRESPONDENCE. 68
IMAGINARY CORRESPONDENCE. By ALCIPHRON.
(Translated for this work by Forrest Morgan. )
[Alciphron (the name perhaps a pseudonym) was probably a rhetorician of Athens in the second century after Christ. He lives through a collection of imaginary letters of the Athenian lower classes in the third century B. C. , each a tableau of some aspect of that life, mostly drawn from the comic writers, but developed by his own wit. ]
The Neglected Wife.
Panope to Euthyoolus.
You married me, Euthybolus, not a cast-off woman nor one of the herd, but born of a father and mother both of good family. Sosthenes of Stiria was my father and Damophila my mother ; and they united me, your betrothed as being their sole heiress, to you in marriage to have lawful children.
But you, so free with your eyes and given up to promiscu ous amours, disgrace me and our mutual children, Galene and Thalassione, by falling in love with that emigrant creature from Hermione, whom the Piraeus took in for a mischief to beholders. The young sailors go roystering to her, each with a different gift ; and she takes it and swallows it up like Charybdis.
But you look down on fisher-gifts; you don't and won't give her sardines or mullets, say ; and though you are getting old, long since married, and father of children by no means babies, you must send her, to supplant rivals, a Milesian reticule and a Sicilian cloak, and more than all, money.
Now lower your crest, and stop being so amorous and mad after women, or rest assured I shall go back to my father, who will not neglect me, and will indict you before the judges for ill treatment of me.
Country Maiden and Prince Charming.
Q-laucippe to Oharopa.
I am no longer my own, mother, and I cannot bear to wed the one my father has lately promised me in marriage to, — the
64 IMAGINARY CORRESPONDENCE.
young fellow from Methymna, the pilot's son, — because I have seen that city youth, the vine-bearer, since you sent me off to the city when the vine-bearing festival was celebrated.
For he is beautiful, mother, beautiful, and ever so sweet, and has curls crisper than sea-moss, and smiles more charmingly than the sea at rest, and the glances of his dark-blue eyes sparkle like the sea when first lighted up by the rays of the sun. His whole face — oh, you would say the Graces had left Orchomenus and washed clean in the Argaphian fountain to dance on his cheeks. His lips are painted with roses taken from the bosom of Venus and placed on their tips.
Either I must marry him, or in imitation of the Lesbian Sappho I will throw myself — not from the Leucadian rocks but from the cliffs of Piraeus — into the waves.
Charopa to Q-laucippe.
Daughter, you are senseless and not in sound mind. You need hellebore — not indeed the common sort, but that of Anti- cyra of Phocis [reputed to cure insanity]; but when you ought to be ashamed of it, you strip your face of maiden mod esty. Be calm, and come to yourself, and recover from this frenzy, and banish that wretch from your mind. For if your father should learn anything about this story, he would throw you into the sea as food for the fishes, without hesitation or delay.
The Dog in the Manger.
Encymon to Halictypus.
When I saw a broken old net on the shore of Sunium, I asked whose it was, and how it happened that it was not put out to be filled, but right in the fishing season lay there rot ting with age.
They said it was yours four years before ; when it caught on hidden rocks under water, the knots in the middle were cut; that since then you had never cared to mend it or take it away, so it had stayed in the place, none of the neighbors daring to touch another's property.
So it has become nobody's, not merely to the people there, but to you, the owner. Therefore I ask you for what, being long since broken up, is not yours. I am sure you will give
IMAGINARY CORRESPONDENCE. 65
me cheerfully what you have abandoned as utterly destroyed, and so is no loss to you.
Halictypus to Encymon.
A neighbor's eye is hostile and envious, as the proverb has it. What are my affairs to you ? What makes you think, for sooth, that what I choose to neglect is yours ? Restrain your hands, or rather your insatiable greed, so that your appetite for others' goods won't set you asking for unreasonable presents.
Encymon to Halictypus.
I didn't ask you for what you have got, but for what you haven't got. As you don't want another man to have what you haven't got, by all means keep what you haven't got.
The Senile Gallant. Anicetus to Phoebiana.
You shun me, Phoebiana, you shun me, and that after just carrying off the whole farm. For what haven't you taken of mine ? figs, cheese in baskets, a young kid, a pair of pullets, every other delicacy — haven't you accepted them all from me ? So that all of me, as the proverb says, you have conquered and forced into your service.
Oh, you don't care a bit for me, and I burning through and through for you. But farewell — go. I can hardly bear your scorn, but bear it I will.
Phoebiana to Anicetut.
A neighbor's wife in childbirth lately had me called in ; so I betook myself to her with the helps needed in my profession. You were standing by, and must try to kiss me at once with your neck bent back.
Why don't you quit, you decrepit and worthless old man, pawing us girls in the flower of our age, like somebody just sprouting a beard ? You forsake your laborers and let your farm run down, don't you ? Haven't you been driven away from the kitchen and the fireside, you lazy hulk ?
Then how dare you look soft and play goat ? Stop it, you miserable Methuselah, and come to your senses, or when I catch you I will give you a bad time.
VOL. VII. —5
66 IMAGINARY CORRESPONDENCE.
The Unsentimental, Mistress. Philumena to Crito.
Why distress yourself writing so much ?
pieces and I don't need letters. Then if you love me, give ;
if you love your money better, don't bother me.
Hen and Duck-Child. Phyllis to Thrasonides.
Good-by.
If you were willing to be a farmer, and have sense, Thra sonides, and obey your father, you would be carrying the gods ivy and laurel and myrtle and the flowers of the season, and us, your parents, sheaves of wheat, and wine pressed from grapes, and a pailful of milk whenever you milked your goats.
But now you scorn the country and farming, and are always singing the praises of the triple-crested helmet and the shield you love, as if you were some Acarnanian or Malian mercenary.
Don't, my son, but come back here, and stick to a peaceful life (for farming is sure and safe, and has no battalions, or ambushes, or regiments), and be our support in our old age, preferring assured safety to an uncertain life.
The Envious Fellow-Workers. Lenonu to Corydon.
One day lately when I had cleaned up the threshing-floor, and put away the winnowing fan, the master came up, and seeing my industry, praised me. Just then that infamous Corycaean devil, Strombichus, appeared to me from somewhere ; and when he saw me follow the master, he picked up my heavy cloak, which I had laid down while I was at work, and went offwithitonthesly: sothatIhaveatthesametimetobear the loss and stand the jeers of my fellow-servants.
The Curious Country Boy.
I need fifty gold
Philocomug
to Thestylus.
Never having been to the town, and not knowing what the thing called a city is, I want to see this new sight, a lot of men, all living in one inclosure, and the other things in which a city differs from the country.
9#
-•Z. " . V , ,
Noonday in the Fields From the painting by Jules Breton
IMAGINARY CORRESPONDENCE. 67
So if you should have any occasion of going to the town, come and take me along. For I think I ought to know some thing of a good many things, now that the hair on my face is beginning to grow. For who is more fit to be my guide to the mysteries there than you, who have set so many things rolling inside the gates ?
The Losing Winner. Chytrolictes to Patellocharon.
What am I so doleful about, perhaps you will ask me, and where I got my broken head, and how I came to have my new
—
would that I hadn't ! for what business had I, with so little strength, getting into a
suit torn to rags ?
I won playing dice
row with a set of strapping youths ?
It was this way : When I had gathered in every pot, and
they had absolutely nothing left, they all made a dead set on me ; some pounded me with their fists, some threw stones, some tore my clothes. But I kept tight hold of the money, resolved to die rather than give up any of what I wish had been far enough off ; and indeed I held out bravely for some time, one moment standing an onslaught of hammering, the next having my fingers bent back — I was like some Spartan scourged at the altar of Orthia, [where boys were whipped to test their fortitude, and the point of honor was to not cry out].
It was not Lacedaemon where I was going through all this, though, but Athens, and among the worst gamblers in Athens at that ; so at last, beginning to faint, I let them take their ill- gotten booty. Then they went through my pockets and left, carrying off all they found in them. The fact is, I thought it was better to live without money than die with it.
The Barber's Practical Joke. Gymnochceron to Phattodardapto.
Did you see how that cursed barber scraped me on the road ? I mean that gabbing, loose-tongued fellow who has Brundisian mirrors on exhibition, who teaches ravens to talk, and beats tunes by striking carving-knives together.
When I came in and gave him my beard to shave, he re ceived me cheerily, and put me in a high chair with a new
68 IMAGINARY CORRESPONDENCE.
apron around me ; then very gently applied the razor to my lips, and cleared off the fringe of bristling hair. But he did it like a scamp and a cheat, for he cut it off only in spots, not over the whole mouth, leaving me hairy in some places and smooth in others.
Not suspecting his trickery, I went as usual uninvited to Pasion's house. As soon as the carousers saw me, they nearly died with laughter, I not knowing what they were laughing at ; finally one of them came up to me in the middle of the room and tweaked the hairs that were left.
Angrily snatching up a kitchen knife, I cut them off. I am eager to get hold of a big cudgel and whack that scoundrel over the head ; for he, though he furnishes none of my bread and butter, has dared to play me a trick which those who do furnish it would not dare.
The Fate of a Meddler.
Triclinosax to Onossotrapezo.
I told Menesilochus the Paeanian of his wife's licentious ness; but whereas he ought to have investigated by an inquiry in various methods, he like a great booby left it all to her dec laration. So she took him to the well of Callichorus in Eleusis, denied it on oath, and rid herself of the guilt.
Well, somehow he was convinced and cast aside all suspi cion. And I am ready to hold out my blabbing tongue to be cut out with a Tenedian oyster shell, by any one who wishes.
At the End of His Rope. Artepithymug to Cnisozomv. 8.
I may as well hang myself, and you will see me before long with a rope around my neck. For I am not the sort to endure blows and the other drunken brutalities of the worst kind of ruined clubmen, nor to govern this vile and gluttonous stomach — which craves not merely fullness but luxury. My face will not stand incessant pounding, and I am in danger as to my eyes, besides that of wasting away under the annoyance of the beatings. Oh, woe is me ! what are we not forced to un dergo by an omnivorous and voracious stomach ! So I have made up my mind to enjoy one sumptuous feast and spurn existence, choosing a sweet death rather than a wretched life.
A LITERARY BANQUET. 69
A LITERARY
By ATHEN^EUS.
[Athen^us, a Greek man of letters, was born at the Greek colony of Nau- cratis in Egypt ; flourished at the end of the second and beginning of the third century b. c. His one surviving work, the " Deipnosophistae " (Feast of the Learned), is of enormous value as a repertory of the social life of the Greeks, and a collection of fragments (unluckily often literarily worthless fragments) of lost comedies and poems. ]
And I will prove to you, that the ancients were acquainted
with the water which is called dicoctas, in order that you may
not be indignant again when I speak of boiled" and spiced
water. For, according to the "Pseudheracles of Phere-
crates : —
Suppose a man who thinks himself a genius
Should something say, and I should contradict him, Still trouble not yourself ; but if you please,
Listen and give your best attention.
BANQUET.
But do not grudge, I entreat you, said Ulpian, to explain to me what is the nature of that Bull's water which you spoke of ; for I have a great thirst for such words. And Cynulcus said, But I pledge you, according to your fancy ; you thirst for words, taking a desire from Alexis, out of his female Pythago rean : —
A cup of water boil'd ; for when fresh-drawn 'Tis heavy, and indigestible to drink.
But it was Sophocles, my friend, who spoke of Bull's water, in his " jEgeus," from the river Taurus near Trcezen, in the neigh borhood of which there is a fountain called Hyoessa.
But the ancients did also at times use very cold water in their draughts before dinner. But I will not tell you, unless you first teach me, whether the ancients were in the habit of drinking warm water at their banquets. For if their cups got their name from what took place in reference to them, and if they were set before the guests full of mixed liquors, then they certainly did not contain warm drink, and were not put on the fire like kettles. For that they were in the habit of drinking warm water Eupolis proves, in his " Demi " : —
Warm for us now the brazen ewer quick, And bid the slaves prepare the victims new, That we may feast upon the entrails.
70 A LITERARY BANQUET.
And Antiphanes says, in his " Omphale " : —
May I ne'er see a man Boiling me water in a bubbling pail ;
For I have no disease, and wish for none. But if I feel a pain within my stomach, Or round about my navel, why I have
A ring I lately gave a drachma for
To a most skillful doctor.
And, in his " Anointing Woman " (but this play is attributed to Alexis also), he says : —
But if you make our shop notorious,
I swear by Ceres, best of goddesses,
That I will empt the biggest ladle o'er you, Filling it with hot water from the kettle ;
And if I fail, may I ne'er drink free water more.
And Plato, in the fourth book of his " Polity," says :
in the mind must be much the same as thirst is in the body. Now, a man feels thirst for hot water or for cold ; or for much water or for a little; or perhaps, in a word, for some particular drink. And if there be any heat combined with the thirst, then that will give a desire for cold water ; but if a sensation of cold be united with it, that will engender a wish for warm water. And if by reason of the violence of the cause the thirst be great, that will give a desire for an abundant draught ; but if the thirst be small, then the man will wish for but a small draught. But the thirst itself is not a desire of anything except of the thing itself, namely, drinking. And hunger, again, is not a desire of anything else except food. " "
And Semus the Delian, in the second book of his Nesias," or treatise on Islands, says that in the island of Cimolus, cold places are prepared by being dug out against the summer, where people may put down vessels full of warm water, and then draw them up again in no respect different from snow. But warm water is called by the Athenians metaceras, a word used by Sophilus, in his Androcles. And Alexis says, in his " Sacrians " : —
But the maid-servants poured forth water,
One pouring boiling water, and the other warm.
And Philemon, in his " Corinthian Women," uses the same word. And Amphis says, in his " Bath " : —
" Desire
A LITERARY BANQUET. 71
One called out to the slaves to bring hot water, Another shouted for metaceras.
And as the Cynic was proceeding to heap other proofs on these, Pontianus said, " The ancients, my friends, were in the habit also of drinking very cold water. " At all events Alexis says, in his " Parasite " : —
I wish to make you taste this icy water,
For I
Is colder than the Arams.
am proud of my well, whose limpid spring
And Hermippus, in his " Cercopes," calls water drawn from wells <ppearialov vBup. Moreover, that men" used to drink melted snow," too, is shown by Alexis, in his Woman eating Mandragora : —
Sure is not a man a most superfluous plant, Constantly using wondrous contradictions. Strangers we love, and our own kin neglect; Though having nothing, still we give to strangers. We bear our share in picnics, though we grudge And show our grudging by our sordidness.
And as to what concerns our daily food,
We wish our barley-cakes should white appear, And yet we make for them dark black sauce, And stain pure color with deeper dye.
Then we prepare to drink down melted snow Yet our fish be cold, we storm and rave.
Sour or acid wine we scorn and loathe,
Yet are delighted with sharp caper sauce.
And so, as many wiser men have said,
Not to be born at all best for man
The next best thing, to die as soon as possible.
And Dexicrates, in the play entitled "The Men deceived by Themselves," says —
But when I'm drunk take draught of snow, And Egypt gives me ointment for my head.
And Euthycles, in his "Prodigal Men," or "The Letter,"
says —
He first perceived that snow was worth prize He ought to be the first to eat the honeycombs.
And that excellent writer, Xenophon, in his "Memorabilia," shows that he was acquainted with the fashion of drinking
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72 A LITERARY BANQUET.
snow. But Chares of Mitylene, in his " History of Alexan der," has told us how we are to proceed in order to keep snow, when he is relating the siege of the Indian city Petra. For he says that Alexander dug thirty large trenches close to one another, and filled them with snow, and then he heaped on the snow branches of oak ; for that in that way snow would last a long time.
And that they used to cool wine, for the sake of drinking it in a colder state," is asserted by Strattis, in his " Psychastae," or " Cold Hunters : —
For no one ever would endure warm wine, But on the contrary, we use our wells
To cool it in, and then we mix with snow.
And Lysippus says, in his " Bacchae " : —
A. Hermon, what is the matter ? Where are we ? B. Nothing's the matter, only that your father
Has just dropt down into the well to cool himself, As men cool wine in summer.
And Diphilus says, in his " Little Monument " : — Cool the wine quick, 0 Doris.
And Protagoras, in the second book of his "Comic His tories," relating the voyage of King Antiochus down the river, says something about the contrivances for procuring cold water, in these terms : " For during the day they expose it to the sun, and then at night they skim off the thickest part which rises to the surface, and expose the rest to the air, in large earthen ewers, on the highest parts of the house, and two slaves are kept sprinkling the vessels with water the whole night. And at daybreak they bring them down, and again they skim off the sediment, making the water very thin, and exceedingly wholesome, and then they immerse the ewers in straw, and after that they use the water, which has become so cold as not to require snow to cool it. " And Anaxilas speaks of water from cisterns, in his " Flute Player," using the follow ing expressions : —
A. I want some water from a cistern now.
B. I have some here and you are welcome to it.
And, in a subsequent passage, he says : — Perhaps the cistern water is all lost.
A LITERARY BANQUET. 78
But Apollodorus of Gela mentions the cistern itself, \a/c«co? , as we call it, in his " Female Deserter," saying : —
In haste I loosed the bucket of the cistern, And then that of the well ; and took good care To have the ropes all ready to let down.
Myrtilus, hearing this conversation, said, And I too, being very fond of salt fish, my friends, wish to drink snow, according to the practice of Simonides. And Ulpian said, The word <f>i\ordpi. x^ fond of salt fish, is used by Antiphanes in his " Omphale," where he says : —
I am not anxious for salt fish, my girl.
But Alexis, in his " Gynaecocracy," speaks of one man as £o>nordpixo<;, or fond of sauce made from salt fish, saying : —
But the Cilician here, this Hippocles, This epicure of salt-fish sauce, this actor.
But what you mean by " according to the practice of Simoni des," I do not know. No ; for you do not care, said Myrtilus, to know anything about history, you glutton : for you are a mere lickplatter ; and as the Sarnian poet Asius, that ancient bard, would call you, a flatterer of fat. But Callistratus, in the seventh book of his " Miscellanies," says that Simonides, the poet, when feasting with a party at a season of violently hot weather, while the cup-bearers were pouring out, for the rest of the guests, snow into their liquor, and did not do so for him, extemporized this epigram : —
The cloak with which fierce Boreas clothed the brow Of high Olympus, pierced ill-clothed man
While in its native Thrace ; 'tis gentler now,
Caught by the breeze of the Pierian plain.
Let it be mine ; for no one will commend The man who gives hot water to a friend.
So when he had drunk, Ulpian asked him again where the word Kvi<ro\oi-xp<; is used, and also, what are the lines of Asius in which he uses the word KviaoicoXaf;.
