No More Learning

’--‘I protest, pappa,’ says
the girl, ‘I believe she deals with some body that’s not right; for she
positively declared, that I am to be married to a ‘Squire in less than a
twelvemonth! ’--‘Well now, Sophy, my child,’ said I, ‘and what sort of a
husband are you to have? ’ ‘Sir,’ replied she, ‘I am to have a Lord soon
after my sister has married the ‘Squire. ’--‘How,’ cried I, ‘is that all
you are to have for your two shillings! Only a Lord and a ‘Squire for
two shillings! You fools, I could have promised you a Prince and a Nabob
for half the money. ’ This curiosity of theirs, however, was attended
with very serious effects: we now began to think ourselves designed
by the stars for something exalted, and already anticipated our future
grandeur. It has been a thousand times observed, and I must observe it
once more, that the hours we pass with happy prospects in view, are more
pleasing than those crowned with fruition. In the first case we cook the
dish to our own appetite; in the latter nature cooks it for us. It is
impossible to repeat the train of agreeable reveries we called up for
our entertainment. We looked upon our fortunes as once more rising;
and as the whole parish asserted that the ‘Squire was in love with my
daughter, she was actually so with him; for they persuaded her into the
passion. In this agreeable interval, my wife had the most lucky dreams
in the world, which she took care to tell us every morning, with great
solemnity and exactness. It was one night a coffin and cross bones,
the sign of an approaching wedding: at another time she imagined her
daughters’ pockets filled with farthings, a certain sign of their being
shortly stuffed with gold. The girls themselves had their omens. They
felt strange kisses on their lips; they saw rings in the candle, purses
bounced from the fire, and true love-knots lurked in the bottom of every
tea-cup.

Towards the end of the week we received a card from the town ladies;
in which, with their compliments, they hoped to see all our family at
church the Sunday following. All Saturday morning I could perceive, in
consequence of this, my wife and daughters in close conference together,
and now and then glancing at me with looks that betrayed a latent plot.
To be sincere, I had strong suspicions that some absurd proposal was
preparing for appearing with splendor the next day. In the evening they
began their operations in a very regular manner, and my wife undertook
to conduct the siege. After tea, when I seemed in spirits, she began
thus. --‘I fancy, Charles, my dear, we shall have a great deal of good
company at our church to-morrow,’--‘Perhaps we may, my dear,’ returned
I; ‘though you need be under no uneasiness about that, you shall have a
sermon whether there be or not. ’--‘That is what I expect,’ returned she;
‘but I think, my dear, we ought to appear there as decently as possible,
for who knows what may happen? ’ ‘Your precautions,’ replied I, ‘are
highly commendable. A decent behaviour and appearance in church is what
charms me. We should be devout and humble, chearful and serene. ’--‘Yes,’
cried she, ‘I know that; but I mean we should go there in as proper a
manner as possible; not altogether like the scrubs about us. ’ ‘You are
quite right, my dear,’ returned I, ‘and I was going to make the very
same proposal. The proper manner of going is, to go there as early
as possible, to have time for meditation before the service
begins. ’--‘Phoo, Charles,’ interrupted she, ‘all that is very true; but
not what I would be at. I mean, we should go there genteelly. You
know the church is two miles off, and I protest I don’t like to see my
daughters trudging up to their pew all blowzed and red with walking,
and, looking for all the world as if they had been winners at a smock
race. Now, my dear, my proposal is this: there are our two plow horses,
the Colt that has been in our family these nine years, and his companion
Blackberry, that have scarce done an earthly thing for this month past.
They are both grown fat and lazy. Why should not they do something as
well as we? And let me tell you, when Moses has trimmed them a little,
they will cut a very tolerable figure. ’ To this proposal I objected,
that walking would be twenty times more genteel than such a paltry
conveyance, as Blackberry was wall-eyed, and the Colt wanted a tail:
that they had never been broke to the rein; but had an hundred vicious
tricks; and that we had but one saddle and pillion in the whole house.
All these objections, however, were over-ruled; so that I was obliged
to comply. The next morning I perceived them not a little busy in
collecting such materials as might be necessary for the expedition; but
as I found it would be a business of time, I walked on to the church
before, and they promised speedily to follow. I waited near an hour
in the reading desk for their arrival; but not finding them come as
expected, I was obliged to begin, and went through the service, not
without some uneasiness at finding them absent. This was encreased when
all was finished, and no appearance of the family. I therefore walked
back by the horse-way, which was five miles round, tho’ the foot-way
was but two, and when got about half way home, perceived the procession
marching slowly forward towards the church; my son, my wife, and the two
little ones exalted upon one horse, and my two daughters upon the other.
I demanded the cause of their delay; but I soon found by their looks
they had met with a thousand misfortunes on the road. The horses had at
first refused to move from the door, till Mr Burchell was kind enough to
beat them forward for about two hundred yards with his cudgel. Next the
straps of my wife’s pillion broke down, and they were obliged to stop
to repair them before they could proceed. After that, one of the horses
took it into his head to stand still, and neither blows nor entreaties
could prevail with him to proceed. It was just recovering from this
dismal situation that I found them; but perceiving every thing safe, I
own their present mortification did not much displease me, as it would
give me many opportunities of future triumph, and teach my daughters
more humility.



CHAPTER 11

The family still resolve to hold up their heads


Michaelmas eve happening on the next day, we were invited to burn nuts
and play tricks at neighbour Flamborough’s. Our late mortifications had
humbled us a little, or it is probable we might have rejected such an
invitation with contempt: however, we suffered ourselves to be
happy. Our honest neighbour’s goose and dumplings were fine, and the
lamb’s-wool, even in the opinion of my wife, who was a connoiseur, was
excellent. It is true, his manner of telling stories was not quite so
well. They were very long, and very dull, and all about himself, and we
had laughed at them ten times before: however, we were kind enough to
laugh at them once more.

Mr Burchell, who was of the party, was always fond of seeing some
innocent amusement going forward, and set the boys and girls to blind
man’s buff. My wife too was persuaded to join in the diversion, and it
gave me pleasure to think she was not yet too old. In the mean time, my
neighbour and I looked on, laughed at every feat, and praised our own
dexterity when we were young. Hot cockles succeeded next, questions
and commands followed that, and last of all, they sate down to hunt
the slipper. As every person may not be acquainted with this primaeval
pastime, it may be necessary to observe, that the company at this play
themselves in a ring upon the ground, all, except one who stands in the
middle, whose business it is to catch a shoe, which the company shove
about under their hams from one to another, something like a weaver’s
shuttle. As it is impossible, in this case, for the lady who is up
to face all the company at once, the great beauty of the play lies in
hitting her a thump with the heel of the shoe on that side least capable
of making a defence. It was in this manner that my eldest daughter was
hemmed in, and thumped about, all blowzed, in spirits, and bawling for
fair play, fair play, with a voice that might deafen a ballad singer,
when confusion on confusion, who should enter the room but our two great
acquaintances from town, Lady Blarney and Miss Carolina Wilelmina Amelia
Skeggs! Description would but beggar, therefore it is unnecessary to
describe this new mortification. Death! To be seen by ladies of such
high breeding in such vulgar attitudes! Nothing better could ensue from
such a vulgar play of Mr Flamborough’s proposing. We seemed stuck to the
ground for some time, as if actually petrified with amazement.

The two ladies had been at our house to see us, and finding us from
home, came after us hither, as they were uneasy to know what accident
could have kept us from church the day before. Olivia undertook to be
our prolocutor, and delivered the whole in a summary way, only saying,
‘We were thrown from our horses. ’ At which account the ladies were
greatly concerned; but being told the family received no hurt, they were
extremely glad: but being informed that we were almost killed by the
fright, they were vastly sorry; but hearing that we had a very good
night, they were extremely glad again. Nothing could exceed their
complaisance to my daughters; their professions the last evening were
warm, but now they were ardent. They protested a desire of having a more
lasting acquaintance. Lady Blarney was particularly attached to Olivia;
Miss Carolina Wilelmina Amelia Skeggs (I love to give the whole name)
took a greater fancy to her sister. They supported the conversation
between themselves, while my daughters sate silent, admiring their
exalted breeding. But as every reader, however beggarly himself, is fond
of high-lived dialogues, with anecdotes of Lords, Ladies, and Knights
of the Garter, I must beg leave to give him the concluding part of
the present conversation. ‘All that I know of the matter,’ cried Miss
Skeggs, ‘is this, that it may be true, or it may not be true: but this I
can assure your Ladyship, that the whole rout was in amaze; his Lordship
turned all manner of colours, my Lady fell into a sound; but Sir Tomkyn,
drawing his sword, swore he was her’s to the last drop of his blood. ’
‘Well,’ replied our Peeress, ‘this I can say, that the Dutchess never
told me a syllable of the matter, and I believe her Grace would keep
nothing a secret from me. This you may depend upon as fact, that the
next morning my Lord Duke cried out three times to his valet de chambre,
Jernigan, Jernigan, Jernigan, bring me my garters. ’

But previously I should have mentioned the very impolite behaviour of Mr
Burchell, who, during this discourse, sate with his face turned to the
fire, and at the conclusion of every sentence would cry out FUDGE!
an expression which displeased us all, and in some measure damped the
rising spirit of the conversation.

‘Besides, my dear Skeggs,’ continued our Peeress, ‘there is nothing
of this in the copy of verses that Dr Burdock made upon the
occasion. ’--‘FUDGE! ’

‘I am surprised at that,’ cried Miss Skeggs; ‘for he seldom leaves
any thing out, as he writes only for his own amusement. But can your
Ladyship favour me with a sight of them? ’--‘FUDGE! ’

‘My dear creature,’ replied our Peeress, ‘do you think I carry such
things about me? Though they are very fine to be sure, and I think
myself something of a judge; at least I know what pleases myself. Indeed
I was ever an admirer of all Doctor Burdock’s little pieces; for except
what he does, and our dear Countess at Hanover-Square, there’s nothing
comes out but the most lowest stuff in nature; not a bit of high life
among them. ’--‘FUDGE! ’

‘Your Ladyship should except,’ says t’other, ‘your own things in the
Lady’s Magazine. I hope you’ll say there’s nothing low lived there? But
I suppose we are to have no more from that quarter? ’--‘FUDGE! ’

‘Why, my dear,’ says the Lady, ‘you know my reader and companion has
left me, to be married to Captain Roach, and as my poor eyes won’t
suffer me to write myself, I have been for some time looking out for
another. A proper person is no easy matter to find, and to be sure
thirty pounds a year is a small stipend for a well-bred girl of
character, that can read, write, and behave in company; as for the chits
about town, there is no bearing them about one. ’--‘FUDGE! ’

‘That I know,’ cried Miss Skeggs, ‘by experience. For of the three
companions I had this last half year, one of them refused to do
plain-work an hour in the day, another thought twenty-five guineas
a year too small a salary, and I was obliged to send away the third,
because I suspected an intrigue with the chaplain. Virtue, my dear
Lady Blarney, virtue is worth any price; but where is that to be
found? ’--‘FUDGE! ’

My wife had been for a long time all attention to this discourse; but
was particularly struck with the latter part of it. Thirty pounds and
twenty-five guineas a year made fifty-six pounds five shillings English
money, all which was in a manner going a-begging, and might easily
be secured in the family. She for a moment studied my looks for
approbation; and, to own a truth, I was of opinion, that two such places
would fit our two daughters exactly. Besides, if the ‘Squire had any
real affection for my eldest daughter, this would be the way to make her
every way qualified for her fortune. My wife therefore was resolved that
we should not be deprived of such advantages for want of assurance,
and undertook to harangue for the family. ‘I hope,’ cried she, ‘your
Ladyships will pardon my present presumption. It is true, we have no
right to pretend to such favours; but yet it is natural for me to wish
putting my children forward in the world. And I will be bold to say my
two girls have had a pretty good education, and capacity, at least the
country can’t shew better. They can read, write, and cast accompts; they
understand their needle, breadstitch, cross and change, and all manner
of plain-work; they can pink, point, and frill; and know something of
music; they can do up small cloaths, work upon catgut; my eldest can cut
paper, and my youngest has a very pretty manner of telling fortunes upon
the cards. ’--‘FUDGE! ’

When she had delivered this pretty piece of eloquence, the two ladies
looked at each other a few minutes in silence, with an air of doubt and
importance. At last, Miss Carolina Wilelmina Amelia Skeggs condescended
to observe, that the young ladies, from the opinion she could form
of them from so slight an acquaintance, seemed very fit for such
employments: ‘But a thing of this kind, Madam,’ cried she, addressing
my spouse, requires a thorough examination into characters, and a more
perfect knowledge of each other. Not, Madam,’ continued she, ‘that I in
the least suspect the young ladies virtue, prudence and discretion; but
there is a form in these things, Madam, there is a form. ’

My wife approved her suspicions very much, observing, that she was very
apt to be suspicious herself; but referred her to all the neighbours
for a character: but this our Peeress declined as unnecessary, alledging
that her cousin Thornhill’s recommendation would be sufficient, and upon
this we rested our petition.



CHAPTER 12

Fortune seems resolved to humble the family of Wakefield.
Mortifications are often more painful than real calamities


When we were returned home, the night was dedicated to schemes of future
conquest. Deborah exerted much sagacity in conjecturing which of the
two girls was likely to have the best place, and most opportunities
of seeing good company. The only obstacle to our preferment was in
obtaining the ‘Squire’s recommendation; but he had already shewn us too
many instances of his friendship to doubt of it now. Even in bed my
wife kept up the usual theme: ‘Well, faith, my dear Charles, between
ourselves, I think we have made an excellent day’s work of it. ’--‘Pretty
well,’ cried I, not knowing what to say. --‘What only pretty well! ’
returned she. ‘I think it is very well. Suppose the girls should come to
make acquaintances of taste in town! This I am assured of, that London
is the only place in the world for all manner of husbands. Besides, my
dear, stranger things happen every day: and as ladies of quality are so
taken with my daughters, what will not men of quality be! Entre nous, I
protest I like my Lady Blarney vastly, so very obliging. However, Miss
Carolina Wilelmina Anielia Skeggs has my warm heart. But yet, when they
came to talk of places in town, you saw at once how I nailed them.
Tell me, my dear, don’t you think I did for my children there? ’--‘Ay,’
returned I, not knowing well what to think of the matter, ‘heaven grant
they may be both the better for it this day three months! ’ This was one
of those observations I usually made to impress my wife with an opinion
of my sagacity; for if the girls succeeded, then it was a pious wish
fulfilled; but if any thing unfortunate ensued, then it might be looked
upon as a prophecy. All this conversation, however, was only preparatory
to another scheme, and indeed I dreaded as much. This was nothing less
than, that as we were now to hold up our heads a little higher in the
world, it would be proper to sell the Colt, which was grown old, at a
neighbouring fair, and buy us an horse that would carry single or double
upon an occasion, and make a pretty appearance at church or upon a
visit. This at first I opposed stoutly; but it was as stoutly defended.
However, as I weakened, my antagonist gained strength, till at last it
was resolved to part with him.

As the fair happened on the following day, I had intentions of going
myself, but my wife persuaded me that I had got a cold, and nothing
could prevail upon her to permit me from home. ‘No, my dear,’ said she,
‘our son Moses is a discreet boy, and can buy and sell to very good
advantage; you know all our great bargains are of his purchasing. He
always stands out and higgles, and actually tires them till he gets a
bargain. ’

As I had some opinion of my son’s prudence, I was willing enough to
entrust him with this commission; and the next morning I perceived his
sisters mighty busy in fitting out Moses for the fair; trimming his
hair, brushing his buckles, and cocking his hat with pins. The business
of the toilet being over, we had at last the satisfaction of seeing
him mounted upon the Colt, with a deal box before him to bring home
groceries in. He had on a coat made of that cloth they call thunder and
lightning, which, though grown too short, was much too good to be thrown
away. His waistcoat was of gosling green, and his sisters had tied his
hair with a broad black ribband. We all followed him several paces, from
the door, bawling after him good luck, good luck, till we could see him
no longer.

He was scarce gone, when Mr Thornhill’s butler came to congratulate
us upon our good fortune, saying, that he overheard his young master
mention our names with great commendation.

Good fortune seemed resolved not to come alone. Another footman from the
same family followed, with a card for my daughters, importing, that the
two ladies had received such pleasing accounts from Mr Thornhill of us
all, that, after a few previous enquiries, they hoped to be perfectly
satisfied. ‘Ay,’ cried my wife, I now see it is no easy matter to get
into the families of the great; but when one once gets in, then, as
Moses says, one may go sleep. ’ To this piece of humour, for she intended
it for wit, my daughters assented with a loud laugh of pleasure. In
short, such was her satisfaction at this message, that she actually put
her hand in her pocket, and gave the messenger seven-pence halfpenny.

This was to be our visiting-day. The next that came was Mr Burchell,
who had been at the fair. He brought my little ones a pennyworth of
gingerbread each, which my wife undertook to keep for them, and give
them by letters at a time. He brought my daughters also a couple of
boxes, in which they might keep wafers, snuff, patches, or even money,
when they got it. My wife was usually fond of a weesel skin purse, as
being the most lucky; but this by the bye. We had still a regard for
Mr Burchell, though his late rude behaviour was in some measure
displeasing; nor could we now avoid communicating our happiness to him,
and asking his advice: although we seldom followed advice, we were all
ready enough to ask it. When he read the note from the two ladies, he
shook his head, and observed, that an affair of this sort demanded the
utmost circumspection. --This air of diffidence highly displeased my
wife. ‘I never doubted, Sir,’ cried she, ‘your readiness to be against
my daughters and me. You have more circumspection than is wanted.
However, I fancy when we come to ask advice, we will apply to persons
who seem to have made use of it themselves. ’--‘Whatever my own conduct
may have been, madam,’ replied he, ‘is not the present question; tho’ as
I have made no use of advice myself, I should in conscience give it to
those that will. ’--As I was apprehensive this answer might draw on
a repartee, making up by abuse what it wanted in wit, I changed the
subject, by seeming to wonder what could keep our son so long at the
fair, as it was now almost nightfall. --‘Never mind our son,’ cried my
wife, ‘depend upon it he knows what he is about. I’ll warrant we’ll
never see him sell his hen of a rainy day. I have seen him buy such
bargains as would amaze one. I’ll tell you a good story about that,
that will make you split your sides with laughing--But as I live, yonder
comes Moses, without an horse, and the box at his back. ’

As she spoke, Moses came slowly on foot, and sweating under the deal
box, which he had strapt round his shoulders like a pedlar. --‘Welcome,
welcome, Moses; well, my boy, what have you brought us from the
fair? ’--‘I have brought you myself,’ cried Moses, with a sly look, and
resting the box on the dresser. --‘Ay, Moses,’ cried my wife, ‘that we
know, but where is the horse? ’ ‘I have sold him,’ cried Moses, ‘for
three pounds five shillings and two-pence. ’--‘Well done, my good boy,’
returned she, ‘I knew you would touch them off. Between ourselves, three
pounds five shillings and two-pence is no bad day’s work. Come, let us
have it then. ’--‘I have brought back no money,’ cried Moses again. ‘I
have laid it all out in a bargain, and here it is,’ pulling out a bundle
from his breast: ‘here they are; a groce of green spectacles, with
silver rims and shagreen cases. ’--‘A groce of green spectacles! ’
repeated my wife in a faint voice. ‘And you have parted with the
Colt, and brought us back nothing but a groce of green paltry
spectacles! ’--‘Dear mother,’ cried the boy, ‘why won’t you listen to
reason? I had them a dead bargain, or I should not have bought them. The
silver rims alone will sell for double money. ’--‘A fig for the silver
rims,’ cried my wife, in a passion: ‘I dare swear they won’t sell for
above half the money at the rate of broken silver, five shillings an
ounce. ’--‘You need be under no uneasiness,’ cried I, ‘about selling the
rims; for they are not worth six-pence, for I perceive they are only
copper varnished over. ’--‘What,’ cried my wife, ‘not silver, the rims
not silver! ’ ‘No,’ cried I, ‘no more silver than your saucepan,’--‘And
so,’ returned she, ‘we have parted with the Colt, and have only got
a groce of green spectacles, with copper rims and shagreen cases! A
murrain take such trumpery. The blockhead has been imposed upon, and
should have known his company better. ’--‘There, my dear,’ cried I, ‘you
are wrong, he should not have known them at all. ’--‘Marry, hang the
ideot,’ returned she, ‘to bring me such stuff, if I had them, I would
throw them in the fire. ’ ‘There again you are wrong, my dear,’ cried
I; ‘for though they be copper, we will keep them by us, as copper
spectacles, you know, are better than nothing. ’

By this time the unfortunate Moses was undeceived. He now saw that he
had indeed been imposed upon by a prowling sharper, who, observing
his figure, had marked him for an easy prey. I therefore asked the
circumstances of his deception. He sold the horse, it seems, and walked
the fair in search of another. A reverend looking man brought him to a
tent, under pretence of having one to sell. ‘Here,’ continued Moses, ‘we
met another man, very well drest, who desired to borrow twenty pounds
upon these, saying, that he wanted money, and would dispose of them
for a third of the value. The first gentleman, who pretended to be my
friend, whispered me to buy them, and cautioned me not to let so good an
offer pass. I sent for Mr Flamborough, and they talked him up as finely
as they did me, and so at last we were persuaded to buy the two groce
between us. ’



CHAPTER 13

Mr Burchell is found to be an enemy; for he has the
confidence to give disagreeable advice


Our family had now made several attempts to be fine; but some unforeseen
disaster demolished each as soon as projected. I endeavoured to take
the advantage of every disappointment, to improve their good sense in
proportion as they were frustrated in ambition. ‘You see, my children,’
cried I, ‘how little is to be got by attempts to impose upon the world,
in coping with our betters. Such as are poor and will associate with
none but the rich, are hated by those they avoid, and despised by these
they follow.
Unequal combinations are always disadvantageous to
the weaker side: the rich having the pleasure, and the poor the
inconveniencies that result from them. But come, Dick, my boy, and
repeat the fable that you were reading to-day, for the good of the
company. ’.

‘Once upon a time,’ cried the child, ‘a Giant and a Dwarf were friends,
and kept together. They made a bargain that they would never forsake
each other, but go seek adventures. The first battle they fought was
with two Saracens, and the Dwarf, who was very courageous, dealt one
of the champions a most angry blow. It did the Saracen but very little
injury, who lifting up his sword, fairly struck off the poor Dwarf’s
arm. He was now in a woeful plight; but the Giant coming to his
assistance, in a short time left the two Saracens dead on the plain, and
the Dwarf cut off the dead man’s head out of spite. They then travelled
on to another adventure. This was against three bloody-minded Satyrs,
who were carrying away a damsel in distress. The Dwarf was not quite so
fierce now as before; but for all that, struck the first blow, which was
returned by another, that knocked out his eye: but the Giant was soon up
with them, and had they not fled, would certainly have killed them every
one. They were all very joyful for this victory, and the damsel who
was relieved fell in love with the Giant, and married him. They now
travelled far, and farther than I can tell, till they met with a company
of robbers. The Giant, for the first time, was foremost now; but the
Dwarf was not far behind. The battle was stout and long. Wherever the
Giant came all fell before him; but the Dwarf had like to have been
killed more than once. At last the victory declared for the two
adventurers; but the Dwarf lost his leg. The Dwarf was now without an
arm, a leg, and an eye, while the Giant was without a single wound. Upon
which he cried out to his little companion, My little heroe, this is
glorious sport; let us get one victory more, and then we shall have
honour for ever. No, cries the Dwarf who was by this time grown wiser,
no, I declare off; I’ll fight no more; for I find in every battle that
you get all the honour and rewards, but all the blows fall upon me. ’

I was going to moralize this fable, when our attention was called off
to a warm dispute between my wife and Mr Burchell, upon my daughters
intended expedition to town. My wife very strenuously insisted upon
the advantages that would result from it. Mr Burchell, on the contrary,
dissuaded her with great ardor, and I stood neuter. His present
dissuasions seemed but the second part of those which were received with
so ill a grace in the morning. The dispute grew high while poor Deborah,
instead of reasoning stronger, talked louder, and at last was obliged to
take shelter from a defeat in clamour. The conclusion of her harangue,
however, was highly displeasing to us all: she knew, she said, of some
who had their own secret reasons for what they advised; but, for
her part, she wished such to stay away from her house for the
future. --‘Madam,’ cried Burchell, with looks of great composure, which
tended to enflame her the more, ‘as for secret reasons, you are right:
I have secret reasons, which I forbear to mention, because you are not
able to answer those of which I make no secret: but I find my visits
here are become troublesome; I’ll take my leave therefore now, and
perhaps come once more to take a final farewell when I am quitting the
country. ’ Thus saying, he took up his hat, nor could the attempts of
Sophia, whose looks seemed to upbraid his precipitancy, prevent his
going.

When gone, we all regarded each other for some minutes with confusion.
My wife, who knew herself to be the cause, strove to hide her concern
with a forced smile, and an air of assurance, which I was willing to
reprove: ‘How, woman,’ cried I to her, ‘is it thus we treat strangers?
Is it thus we return their kindness? Be assured, my dear, that these
were the harshest words, and to me the most unpleasing that ever escaped
your lips! ’--‘Why would he provoke me then,’ replied she; ‘but I know
the motives of his advice perfectly well. He would prevent my girls from
going to town, that he may have the pleasure of my youngest daughter’s
company here at home. But whatever happens, she shall chuse better
company than such low-lived fellows as he. ’--‘Low-lived, my dear, do
you call him,’ cried I, ‘it is very possible we may mistake this man’s
character: for he seems upon some occasions the most finished gentleman
I ever knew. --Tell me, Sophia, my girl, has he ever given you any secret
instances of his attachment? ’--‘His conversation with me, sir,’ replied
my daughter, ‘has ever been sensible, modest, and pleasing. As to aught
else, no, never. Once, indeed, I remember to have heard him say he never
knew a woman who could find merit in a man that seemed poor. ’ ‘Such, my
dear,’ cried I, ‘is the common cant of all the unfortunate or idle. But
I hope you have been taught to judge properly of such men, and that it
would be even madness to expect happiness from one who has been so
very bad an oeconomist of his own. Your mother and I have now better
prospects for you. The next winter, which you will probably spend in
town, will give you opportunities of making a more prudent choice. ’
What Sophia’s reflections were upon this occasion, I can’t pretend to
determine; but I was not displeased at the bottom that we were rid of a
guest from whom I had much to fear. Our breach of hospitality went to my
conscience a little: but I quickly silenced that monitor by two or three
specious reasons, which served to satisfy and reconcile me to myself.
The pain which conscience gives the man who has already done wrong,
is soon got over. Conscience is a coward, and those faults it has not
strength enough to prevent, it seldom has justice enough to accuse.



CHAPTER 14

Fresh mortifications, or a demonstration that seeming
calamities may be real blessings


The journey of my daughters to town was now resolved upon, Mr Thornhill
having kindly promised to inspect their conduct himself, and inform us
by letter of their behaviour. But it was thought indispensably necessary
that their appearance should equal the greatness of their expectations,
which could not be done without expence. We debated therefore in
full council what were the easiest methods of raising money, or,
more properly speaking, what we could most conveniently sell. The
deliberation was soon finished, it was found that our remaining horse
was utterly useless for the plow, without his companion, and equally
unfit for the road, as wanting an eye, it was therefore determined
that we should dispose of him for the purposes above-mentioned, at the
neighbouring fair, and, to prevent imposition, that I should go with him
myself. Though this was one of the first mercantile transactions of my
life, yet I had no doubt about acquitting myself with reputation. The
opinion a man forms of his own prudence is measured by that of the
company he keeps, and as mine was mostly in the family way, I had
conceived no unfavourable sentiments of my worldly wisdom. My wife,
however, next morning, at parting, after I had got some paces from the
door, called me back, to advise me, in a whisper, to have all my eyes
about me. I had, in the usual forms, when I came to the fair, put my
horse through all his paces; but for some time had no bidders. At last
a chapman approached, and, after he had for a good while examined the
horse round, finding him blind of one eye, he would have nothing to say
to him: a second came up; but observing he had a spavin, declared he
would not take him for the driving home: a third perceived he had a
windgall, and would bid no money: a fourth knew by his eye that he had
the botts: a fifth, wondered what a plague I could do at the fair with
a blind, spavined, galled hack, that was only fit to be cut up for a
dog kennel. ’ By this time I began to have a most hearty contempt for
the poor animal myself, and was almost ashamed at the approach of every
customer; for though I did not entirely believe all the fellows told me;
yet I reflected that the number of witnesses was a strong presumption
they were right, and St Gregory, upon good works, professes himself to
be of the same opinion.

I was in this mortifying situation, when a brother clergyman, an old
acquaintance, who had also business to the fair, came up, and shaking me
by the hand, proposed adjourning to a public-house and taking a glass of
whatever we could get. I readily closed with the offer, and entering an
ale-house, we were shewn into a little back room, where there was only a
venerable old man, who sat wholly intent over a large book, which he
was reading. I never in my life saw a figure that prepossessed me more
favourably. His locks of silver grey venerably shaded his temples, and
his green old age seemed to be the result of health and benevolence.
However, his presence did not interrupt our conversation; my friend and
I discoursed on the various turns of fortune we had met: the Whistonean
controversy, my last pamphlet, the archdeacon’s reply, and the hard
measure that was dealt me. But our attention was in a short time taken
off by the appearance of a youth, who, entering the room, respectfully
said something softly to the old stranger. ‘Make no apologies, my
child,’ said the old man, ‘to do good is a duty we owe to all our fellow
creatures: take this, I wish it were more; but five pounds will relieve
your distress, and you are welcome. ’ The modest youth shed tears of
gratitude, and yet his gratitude was scarce equal to mine. I could have
hugged the good old man in my arms, his benevolence pleased me so. He
continued to read, and we resumed our conversation, until my companion,
after some time, recollecting that he had business to transact in the
fair, promised to be soon back; adding, that he always desired to have
as much of Dr Primrose’s company as possible. The old gentleman, hearing
my name mentioned, seemed to look at me with attention, for some time,
and when my friend was gone, most respectfully demanded if I was any way
related to the great Primrose, that courageous monogamist, who had been
the bulwark of the church. Never did my heart feel sincerer rapture than
at that moment. ‘Sir,’ cried I, ‘the applause of so good a man, as I am
sure you are, adds to that happiness in my breast which your benevolence
has already excited. You behold before you, Sir, that Doctor Primrose,
the monogamist, whom you have been pleased to call great. You here see
that unfortunate Divine, who has so long, and it would ill become me to
say, successfully, fought against the deuterogamy of the age. ’ ‘Sir,’
cried the stranger, struck with awe, ‘I fear I have been too familiar;
but you’ll forgive my curiosity, Sir: I beg pardon. ’ ‘Sir,’ cried
I, grasping his hand, ‘you are so far from displeasing me by your
familiarity, that I must beg you’ll accept my friendship, as you already
have my esteem. ’--‘Then with gratitude I accept the offer,’ cried he,
squeezing me by the hand, ‘thou glorious pillar of unshaken orthodoxy;
and do I behold--’ I here interrupted what he was going to say; for
tho’, as an author, I could digest no small share of flattery, yet now
my modesty would permit no more. However, no lovers in romance ever
cemented a more instantaneous friendship. We talked upon several
subjects: at first I thought he seemed rather devout than learned, and
began to think he despised all human doctrines as dross. Yet this no way
lessened him in my esteem; for I had for some time begun privately to
harbour such an opinion myself. I therefore took occasion to observe,
that the world in general began to be blameably indifferent as to
doctrinal matters, and followed human speculations too much--‘Ay, Sir,’
replied he, as if he had reserved all his learning to that moment, ‘Ay,
Sir, the world is in its dotage, and yet the cosmogony or creation of
the world has puzzled philosophers of all ages. What a medly of opinions
have they not broached upon the creation of the world? Sanconiathon,
Manetho, Berosus, and Ocellus Lucanus, have all attempted it in vain.
The latter has these words, Anarchon ara kai atelutaion to pan, which
imply that all things have neither beginning nor end. Manetho also,
who lived about the time of Nebuchadon-Asser, Asser being a Syriac word
usually applied as a sirname to the kings of that country, as Teglat
Phael-Asser, Nabon-Asser, he, I say, formed a conjecture equally absurd;
for as we usually say ek to biblion kubernetes, which implies that books
will never teach the world; so he attempted to investigate--But, Sir, I
ask pardon, I am straying from the question. ’--That he actually was; nor
could I for my life see how the creation of the world had any thing to
do with the business I was talking of; but it was sufficient to shew me
that he was a man of letters, and I now reverenced him the more. I was
resolved therefore to bring him to the touch-stone; but he was too mild
and too gentle to contend for victory. Whenever I made any observation
that looked like a challenge to controversy, he would smile, shake his
head, and say nothing; by which I understood he could say much, if
he thought proper. The subject therefore insensibly changed from the
business of antiquity to that which brought us both to the fair; mine I
told him was to sell an horse, and very luckily, indeed, his was to buy
one for one of his tenants. My horse was soon produced, and in fine we
struck a bargain. Nothing now remained but to pay me, and he accordingly
pulled out a thirty pound note, and bid me change it. Not being in a
capacity of complying with his demand, he ordered his footman to be
called up, who made his appearance in a very genteel livery. ‘Here,
Abraham,’ cried he, ‘go and get gold for this; you’ll do it at neighbour
Jackson’s, or any where. ’ While the fellow was gone, he entertained
me with a pathetic harangue on the great scarcity of silver, which I
undertook to improve, by deploring also the great scarcity of gold; so
that by the time Abraham returned, we had both agreed that money was
never so hard to be come at as now. Abraham returned to inform us, that
he had been over the whole fair and could not get change, tho’ he had
offered half a crown for doing it. This was a very great disappointment
to us all; but the old gentleman having paused a little, asked me if I
knew one Solomon Flamborough in my part of the country: upon replying
that he was my next door neighbour, ‘if that be the case then,’ returned
he, ‘I believe we shall deal. You shall have a draught upon him, payable
at sight; and let me tell you he is as warm a man as any within five
miles round him. Honest Solomon and I have been acquainted for many
years together. I remember I always beat him at threejumps; but he could
hop upon one leg farther than I. ’ A draught upon my neighbour was to me
the same as money; for I was sufficiently convinced of his ability:
the draught was signed and put into my hands, and Mr Jenkinson, the old
gentleman, his man Abraham, and my horse, old Blackberry, trotted off
very well pleased with each other.

After a short interval being left to reflection, I began to recollect
that I had done wrong in taking a draught from a stranger, and so
prudently resolved upon following the purchaser, and having back my
horse. But this was now too late: I therefore made directly homewards,
resolving to get the draught changed into money at my friend’s as fast
as possible. I found my honest neighbour smoking his pipe at his own
door, and informing him that I had a small bill upon him, he read
it twice over. ‘You can read the name, I suppose,’ cried I, ‘Ephraim
Jenkinson. ’ ‘Yes,’ returned he, ‘the name is written plain enough, and I
know the gentleman too, the greatest rascal under the canopy of heaven.
This is the very same rogue who sold us the spectacles. Was he not a
venerable looking man, with grey hair, and no flaps to his pocket-holes?
And did he not talk a long string of learning about Greek and cosmogony,
and the world? ’ To this I replied with a groan. ‘Aye,’ continued he, ‘he
has but that one piece of learning in the world, and he always talks it
away whenever he finds a scholar in company; but I know the rogue, and
will catch him yet. ’ Though I was already sufficiently mortified, my
greatest struggle was to come, in facing my wife and daughters. No
truant was ever more afraid of returning to school, there to behold the
master’s visage, than I was of going home. I was determined, however, to
anticipate their fury, by first falling into a passion myself.

But, alas! upon entering, I found the family no way disposed for battle.
My wife and girls were all in tears, Mr Thornhill having been there that
day to inform them, that their journey to town was entirely over. The
two ladies having heard reports of us from some malicious person about
us, were that day set out for London. He could neither discover the
tendency, nor the author of these, but whatever they might be, or
whoever might have broached them, he continued to assure our family of
his friendship and protection. I found, therefore, that they bore
my disappointment with great resignation, as it was eclipsed in the
greatness of their own. But what perplexed us most was to think who
could be so base as to asperse the character of a family so harmless as
ours, too humble to excite envy, and too inoffensive to create disgust.



CHAPTER 15

All, Mr Burchell’s villainy at once detected. The folly of
being over-wise


That evening and a part of the following day was employed in fruitless
attempts to discover our enemies: scarce a family in the neighbourhood
but incurred our suspicions, and each of us had reasons for our opinion
best known to ourselves. As we were in this perplexity, one of our
little boys, who had been playing abroad, brought in a letter-case,
which he found on the green. It was quickly known to belong to Mr
Burchell, with whom it had been seen, and, upon examination, contained
some hints upon different subjects; but what particularly engaged our
attention was a sealed note, superscribed, ‘The copy of a letter to be
sent to the two ladies at Thornhill-castle. ’ It instantly occurred that
he was the base informer, and we deliberated whether the note should not
be broke open. I was against it; but Sophia, who said she was sure
that of all men he would be the last to be guilty of so much baseness,
insisted upon its being read, In this she was seconded by the rest of
the family, and, at their joint solicitation, I read as follows:--

‘Ladies,--The bearer will sufficiently satisfy you as to the person
from whom this comes: one at least the friend of innocence, and ready to
prevent its being seduced. I am informed for a truth, that you have
some intention of bringing two young ladies to town, whom I have some
knowledge of, under the character of companions. As I would neither have
simplicity imposed upon, nor virtue contaminated, I must offer it as
my opinion, that the impropriety of such a step will be attended with
dangerous consequences. It has never been my way to treat the infamous
or the lewd with severity; nor should I now have taken this method of
explaining myself, or reproving folly, did it not aim at guilt. Take
therefore the admonition of a friend, and seriously reflect on the
consequences of introducing infamy and vice into retreats where peace
and innocence have hitherto resided. ’ Our doubts were now at an end.
There seemed indeed something applicable to both sides in this letter,
and its censures might as well be referred to those to whom it was
written, as to us; but the malicious meaning was obvious, and we went no
farther. My wife had scarce patience to hear me to the end, but railed
at the writer with unrestrained resentment. Olivia was equally severe,
and Sophia seemed perfectly amazed at his baseness. As for my part, it
appeared to me one of the vilest instances of unprovoked ingratitude
I had met with. Nor could I account for it in any other manner than
by imputing it to his desire of detaining my youngest daughter in the
country, to have the more frequent opportunities of an interview. In
this manner we all sate ruminating upon schemes of vengeance, when
our other little boy came running in to tell us that Mr Burchell was
approaching at the other end of the field. It is easier to conceive than
describe the complicated sensations which are felt from the pain of
a recent injury, and the pleasure of approaching vengeance. Tho’ our
intentions were only to upbraid him with his ingratitude; yet it was
resolved to do it in a manner that would be perfectly cutting. For this
purpose we agreed to meet him with our usual smiles, to chat in the
beginning with more than ordinary kindness, to amuse him a little;
and then in the midst of the flattering calm to burst upon him like an
earthquake, and overwhelm him with the sense of his own baseness. This
being resolved upon, my wife undertook to manage the business herself,
as she really had some talents for such an undertaking. We saw him
approach, he entered, drew a chair, and sate down. --‘A fine day, Mr
Burchell. ’--‘A very fine day, Doctor; though I fancy we shall have some
rain by the shooting of my corns. ’--‘The shooting of your horns,’ cried
my wife, in a loud fit of laughter, and then asked pardon for being fond
of a joke. --‘Dear madam,’ replied he, ‘I pardon you with all my heart;
for I protest I should not have thought it a joke had you not told
me. ’--‘Perhaps not, Sir,’ cried my wife, winking at us, ‘and yet I dare
say you can tell us how many jokes go to an ounce. ’--‘I fancy, madam,’
returned Burchell, ‘you have been reading a jest book this morning, that
ounce of jokes is so very good a conceit; and yet, madam, I had rather
see half an ounce of understanding. ’--‘I believe you might,’ cried my
wife, still smiling at us, though the laugh was against her; ‘and yet
I have seen some men pretend to understanding that have very
little. ’--‘And no doubt,’ replied her antagonist, ‘you have known ladies
set up for wit that had none. ’--I quickly began to find that my wife was
likely to gain but little at this business; so I resolved to treat him
in a stile of more severity myself. ‘Both wit and understanding,’ cried
I, ‘are trifles, without integrity: it is that which gives value to
every character. The ignorant peasant, without fault, is greater than
the philosopher with many; for what is genius or courage without an
heart? An honest man is the noblest work of God.

‘I always held that hackney’d maxim of Pope,’ returned Mr Burchell,
‘as very unworthy a man of genius, and a base desertion of his own
superiority. As the reputation of books is raised not by their freedom
from defect, but the greatness of their beauties; so should that of
men be prized not for their exemption from fault, but the size of
those virtues they are possessed of. The scholar may want prudence, the
statesman may have pride, and the champion ferocity; but shall we
prefer to these the low mechanic, who laboriously plods on through life,
without censure or applause? We might as well prefer the tame correct
paintings of the Flemish school to the erroneous, but sublime animations
of the Roman pencil. ’

‘Sir,’ replied I, ‘your present observation is just, when there are
shining virtues and minute defects; but when it appears that great
vices are opposed in the same mind to as extraordinary virtues, such a
character deserves contempt. ’ ‘Perhaps,’ cried he, ‘there may be some
such monsters as you describe, of great vices joined to great virtues;
yet in my progress through life, I never yet found one instance of their
existence: on the contrary, I have ever perceived, that where the mind
was capacious, the affections were good. And indeed Providence
seems kindly our friend in this particular, thus to debilitate the
understanding where the heart is corrupt, and diminish the power where
there is the will to do mischief. This rule seems to extend even to
other animals: the little vermin race are ever treacherous, cruel, and
cowardly, whilst those endowed with strength and power are generous,
brave, and gentle. ’

‘These observations sound well,’ returned I, ‘and yet it would be easy
this moment to point out a man,’ and I fixed my eye stedfastly upon
him, ‘whose head and heart form a most detestable contrast. Ay, Sir,’
continued I, raising my voice, ‘and I am glad to have this opportunity
of detecting him in the midst of his fancied security. Do you know
this, Sir, this pocket-book? ’--‘Yes, Sir,’ returned he, with a face of
impenetrable assurance, ‘that pocket-book is mine, and I am glad you
have found it. ’--‘And do you know,’ cried I, ‘this letter? Nay, never
falter man; but look me full in the face: I say, do you know this
letter? ’--‘That letter,’ returned he, ‘yes, it was I that wrote that
letter. ’--‘And how could you,’ said I, ‘so basely, so ungratefully
presume to write this letter? ’--‘And how came you,’ replied he, with
looks of unparallelled effrontery, ‘so basely to presume to break open
this letter? Don’t you know, now, I could hang you all for this? All
that I have to do, is to swear at the next justice’s, that you have been
guilty of breaking open the lock of my pocket-book, and so hang you all
up at his door. ’ This piece of unexpected insolence raised me to such a
pitch, that I could scare govern my passion. ‘Ungrateful wretch, begone,
and no longer pollute my dwelling with thy baseness. Begone, and never
let me see thee again: go from my doors, and the only punishment I wish
thee is an allarmed conscience, which will be a sufficient tormentor! ’
So saying, I threw him his pocket-book, which he took up with a smile,
and shutting the clasps with the utmost composure, left us, quite
astonished at the serenity of his assurance. My wife was particularly
enraged that nothing could make him angry, or make him seem ashamed of
his villainies. ‘My dear,’ cried I, willing to calm those passions that
had been raised too high among us, ‘we are not to be surprised that bad
men want shame; they only blush at being detected in doing good, but
glory in their vices.

‘Guilt and shame, says the allegory, were at first companions, and in
the beginning of their journey inseparably kept together. But their
union was soon found to be disagreeable and inconvenient to both; guilt
gave shame frequent uneasiness, and shame often betrayed the secret
conspiracies of guilt. After long disagreeement, therefore, they at
length consented to part for ever. Guilt boldly walked forward alone,
to overtake fate, that went before in the shape of an executioner:
but shame being naturally timorous, returned back to keep company with
virtue, which, in the beginning of their journey, they had left behind.
Thus, my children, after men have travelled through a few stages in
vice, shame forsakes them, and returns back to wait upon the few virtues
they have still remaining. ’



CHAPTER 16

Family use art, which is opposed with, still greater


Whatever might have been Sophia’s sensations, the rest of the family
was easily consoled, for Mr Burchell’s absence by the company of our
landlord, whose visits now became more frequent and longer. Though he
had been disappointed in procuring my daughters the amusements of the
town, as he designed, he took every opportunity of supplying them with
those little recreations which our retirement would admit of. He usually
came in the morning, and while my son and I followed our occupations
abroad, he sat with the family at home, and amused them by describing
the town, with every part of which he was particularly acquainted. He
could repeat all the observations that were retailed in the atmosphere
of the playhouses, and had all the good things of the high wits by rote
long before they made way into the jest-books. The intervals between
conversation were employed in teaching my daughters piquet, or sometimes
in setting my two little ones to box to make them sharp, as he called
it: but the hopes of having him for a son-in-law, in some measure
blinded us to all his imperfections. It must be owned that my wife laid
a thousand schemes to entrap him, or, to speak it more tenderly, used
every art to magnify the merit of her daughter. If the cakes at tea eat
short and crisp, they were made by Olivia: if the gooseberry wine was
well knit, the gooseberries were of her gathering: it was her fingers
which gave the pickles their peculiar green; and in the composition of
a pudding, it was her judgment that mix’d the ingredients. Then the poor
woman would sometimes tell the ‘Squire, that she thought him and Olivia
extremely of a size, and would bid both stand up to see which was
tallest. These instances of cunning, which she thought impenetrable, yet
which every body saw through, were very pleasing to our benefactor, who
gave every day some new proofs of his passion, which though they had not
arisen to proposals of marriage, yet we thought fell but little short of
it; and his slowness was attributed sometimes to native bashfulness, and
sometimes to his fear of offending his uncle. An occurrence, however,
which happened soon after, put it beyond a doubt that he designed
to become one of our family, my wife even regarded it as an absolute
promise.

My wife and daughters happening to return a visit to neighbour
Flamborough’s, found that family had lately got their pictures drawn
by a limner, who travelled the country, and took likenesses for fifteen
shillings a head. As this family and ours had long a sort of rivalry in
point of taste, our spirit took the alarm at this stolen march upon us,
and notwithstanding all I could say, and I said much, it was resolved
that we should have our pictures done too. Having, therefore, engaged
the limner, for what could I do? our next deliberation was to shew
the superiority of our taste in the attitudes. As for our neighbour’s
family, there were seven of them, and they were drawn with seven
oranges, a thing quite out of taste, no variety in life, no composition
in the world. We desired to have something in a brighter style, and,
after many debates, at length came to an unanimous resolution of being
drawn together, in one large historical family piece. This would be
cheaper, since one frame would serve for all, and it would be infinitely
more genteel; for all families of any taste were now drawn in the same
manner. As we did not immediately recollect an historical subject to hit
us, we were contented each with being drawn as independent historical
figures.