--Father Aldo tells me, sir, you are a
traveller: What adventures have you had in foreign countries?
traveller: What adventures have you had in foreign countries?
Dryden - Complete
_ [_Aside.
_] Aldo, my own natural father, as I live!
I remember
the lines of that hide-bound face: Does he lodge here? If he should
know me, I am ruined.
_Saint. _ Curse on his coming! he has disturbed us. [_Aside. _] Well,
young gentleman, I shall take a time to instruct you better.
_Wood. _ You shall find me an apt scholar.
_Saint. _ I must go abroad upon some business; but remember your
promise, to carry yourself soberly, and without scandal in my family;
and so I leave you to this gentleman, who is a member of it.
[_Exit_ SAINT.
_Aldo. _ [_Aside. _] Before George, a proper fellow, and a swinger he
should be, by his make! the rogue would humble a whore, I warrant
him. --You are welcome, sir, amongst us; most heartily welcome, as I
may say.
_Wood. _ All's well: he knows me not. --Sir, your civility is obliging
to a stranger, and may befriend me, in the acquaintance of our
fellow-lodgers.
_Aldo. _ Hold you there, sir: I must first understand you a little
better; and yet, methinks, you should be true to love.
_Wood. _ Drinking and wenching are but slips of youth: I had those two
good qualities from my father.
_Aldo. _ Thou, boy! Aha, boy! a true Trojan, I warrant thee! [_Hugging
him. _] Well, I say no more; but you are lighted into such a family,
such food for concupiscence, such _bona roba's_!
_Wood. _ One I know, indeed; a wife: But _bona roba's_, say you?
_Aldo. _ I say, _bona roba's_, in the plural number.
_Wood. _ Why, what a Turk Mahomet shall I be! No, I will not make
myself drunk with the conceit of so much joy: The fortune's too great
for mortal man; and I a poor unworthy sinner.
_Aldo. _ Would I lie to my friend? Am I a man? Am I a christian? There
is that wife you mentioned, a delicate little wheedling devil, with
such an appearance of simplicity; and with that, she does so
undermine, so fool her conceited husband, that he despises her!
_Wood. _ Just ripe for horns: His destiny, like a Turk's, is written in
his forehead. [1]
_Aldo. _ Peace, peace! thou art yet ordained for greater things. There
is another, too, a kept mistress, a brave strapping jade, a two-handed
whore!
_Wood. _ A kept mistress, too! my bowels yearn to her already: she is
certain prize.
_Aldo. _ But this lady is so termagant an empress! and he is so
submissive, so tame, so led a keeper, and as proud of his slavery as a
Frenchman. I am confident he dares not find her false, for fear of a
quarrel with her; because he is sure to be at the charges of the war.
She knows he cannot live without her, and therefore seeks occasions of
falling out, to make him purchase peace. I believe she is now aiming
at a settlement.
_Wood. _ Might not I ask you one civil question? How pass you your time
in this noble family? For I find you are a lover of the game, and I
should be loth to hunt in your purlieus.
_Aldo. _ I must first tell you something of my condition. I am here a
friend to all of them; I am their _factotum_, do all their business;
for, not to boast, sir, I am a man of general acquaintance: There is
no news in town, either foreign or domestic, but I have it first; no
mortgage of lands, no sale of houses, but I have a finger in them.
_Wood. _ Then, I suppose, you are a gainer by your pains.
_Aldo. _ No, I do all _gratis_, and am most commonly a loser; only a
buck sometimes from this good lord, or that good lady in the country:
and I eat it not alone, I must have company.
_Wood. _ Pray, what company do you invite?
_Aldo. _ Peace, peace, I am coming to you: Why, you must know I am
tender-natured; and if any unhappy difference have arisen betwixt a
mistress and her gallant, then I strike in, to do good offices betwixt
them; and, at my own proper charges, conclude the quarrel with a
reconciling supper.
_Wood. _ I find the ladies of pleasure are beholden to you.
_Aldo. _ Before George, I love the poor little devils. I am indeed a
father to them, and so they call me: I give them my counsel, and
assist them with my purse. I cannot see a pretty sinner hurried to
prison by the land-pirates, but nature works, and I must bail her; or
want a supper, but I have a couple of crammed chickens, a cream tart,
and a bottle of wine to offer her.
_Wood. _ Sure you expect some kindness in return.
_Aldo. _ Faith, not much: Nature in me is at low water-mark; my body's
a jade, and tires under me; yet I love to smuggle still in a corner;
pat them down, and pur over them; but, after that, I can do them
little harm.
_Wood. _ Then I'm acquainted with your business: You would be a kind of
deputy-fumbler under me.
_Aldo. _ You have me right. Be you the lion, to devour the prey; I am
your jackall, to provide it for you: There will be a bone for me to
pick.
_Wood. _ Your humility becomes your age. For my part, I am vigorous,
and throw at all.
_Aldo. _ As right as if I had begot thee! Wilt thou give me leave to
call thee son?
_Wood. _ With all my heart.
_Aldo. _ Ha, mad son!
_Wood. _ Mad daddy!
_Aldo. _ Your man told me, you were just returned from travel: What
parts have you last visited?
_Wood. _ I came from France.
_Aldo. _ Then, perhaps, you may have known an ungracious boy of mine
there.
_Wood. _ Like enough: Pray, what's his name?
_Aldo. _ George Aldo.
_Wood. _ I must confess I do know the gentleman; satisfy yourself, he's
in health, and upon his return.
_Aldo. _ That's some comfort: But, I hear, a very rogue, a lewd young
fellow.
_Wood. _ The worst I know of him is, that he loves a wench; and that
good quality he has not stolen. [_Music at the Balcony over head: Mrs_
TRICKSY _and_ JUDITH _appear. _]--Hark! There's music above.
_Aldo. _ 'Tis at my daughter Tricksy's lodging; the kept mistress I
told you of, the lass of mettle. But for all she carries it so high, I
know her pedigree; her mother's a sempstress in Dog-and-Bitch yard,
and was, in her youth, as right as she is.
_Wood. _ Then she's a two-piled punk, a punk of two descents.
_Aldo. _ And her father, the famous cobler, who taught Walsingham to
the black-birds. How stand thy affections to her, thou lusty rogue?
_Wood. _ All on fire: A most urging creature!
_Aldo. _ Peace! they are beginning.
A SONG.
I.
_'Gainst keepers we petition,
Who would inclose the common:
'Tis enough to raise sedition
In the free-born subject, woman.
Because for his gold,
I my body have sold,
He thinks I'm a slave for my life;
He rants, domineers,
He swaggers and swears,
And would keep me as bare as his wife. _
II.
_'Gainst keepers we petition, &c.
'Tis honest and fair,
That a feast I prepare;
But when his dull appetite's o'er,
I'll treat with the rest
Some welcomer guest,
For the reckoning was paid me before. _
_Wood. _ A song against keepers! this makes well for us lusty lovers.
_Trick. _ [_Above. _] Father, father Aldo!
_Aldo. _ Daughter Tricksy, are you there, child? your friends at Barnet
are all well, and your dear master Limberham, that noble Hephestion,
is returning with them.
_Trick. _ And you are come upon the spur before, to acquaint me with
the news.
_Aldo. _ Well, thou art the happiest rogue in a kind keeper! He drank
thy health five times, _supernaculum_,[2] to my son Brain-sick; and
dipt my daughter Pleasance's little finger, to make it go down more
glibly:[3] And, before George, I grew tory rory, as they say, and
strained a brimmer through the lily-white smock, i'faith.
_Trick. _ You will never leave these fumbling tricks, father, till you
are taken up on suspicion of manhood, and have a bastard laid at your
door: I am sure you would own it, for your credit.
_Aldo. _ Before George, I should not see it starve, for the mother's
sake: For, if she were a punk, she was good-natured, I warrant her.
_Wood. _ [_Aside. _] Well, if ever son was blest with a hopeful father,
I am.
_Trick. _ Who is that gentleman with you?
_Aldo. _ A young _monsieur_ returned from travel; a lusty young rogue;
a true-milled whoremaster, with the right stamp. He is a
fellow-lodger, incorporate in our society: For whose sake he came
hither, let him tell you.
_Wood. _ [_Aside. _] Are you gloating already? then there's hopes,
i'faith.
_Trick. _ You seem to know him, father.
_Aldo. _ Know him! from his cradle--What's your name?
_Wood. _ Woodall.
_Ald. _ Woodall of Woodall; I knew his father; we were contemporaries,
and fellow-wenchers in our youth.
_Wood. _ [_Aside. _] My honest father stumbles into truth, in spite of
lying.
_Trick. _ I was just coming down to the garden-house, before you came.
[TRICKSY _descends. _
_Aldo. _ I am sorry I cannot stay to present my son, Woodall, to you;
but I have set you together, that's enough for me. [_Exit. _
_Wood. _ [_Alone. _] 'Twas my study to avoid my father, and I have run
full into his mouth: and yet I have a strong hank upon him too; for I
am privy to as many of his virtues, as he is of mine. After all, if I
had an ounce of discretion left, I should pursue this business no
farther: but two fine women in a house! well, it is resolved, come
what will on it, thou art answerable for all my sins, old Aldo--
_Enter_ TRICKSY, _with a box of essences. _
Here she comes, this heir-apparent of a sempstress, and a cobler! and
yet, as she's adorned, she looks like any princess of the blood.
[_Salutes her. _
_Trick. _ [_Aside. _] What a difference there is between this gentleman,
and my feeble keeper, Mr Limberham! he's to my wish, if he would but
make the least advances to me.
--Father Aldo tells me, sir, you are a
traveller: What adventures have you had in foreign countries?
_Wood. _ I have no adventures of my own, can deserve your curiosity;
but, now I think on it, I can tell you one that happened to a French
cavalier, a friend of mine, at Tripoli.
_Trick. _ No wars, I beseech you: I am so weary of father Aldo's
Loraine and Crequi.
_Wood. _ Then this is as you would desire it, a love-adventure. This
French gentleman was made a slave to the Dey of Tripoli; by his good
qualities, gained his master's favour; and after, by corrupting an
eunuch, was brought into the seraglio privately, to see the Dey's
mistress.
_Trick. _ This is somewhat; proceed, sweet sir.
_Wood. _ He was so much amazed, when he first beheld her leaning over a
balcony, that he scarcely dared to lift his eyes, or speak to her.
_Trick. _ [_Aside. _] I find him now. --But what followed of this dumb
interview?
_Wood. _ The nymph was gracious, and came down to him; but with so
goddess-like a presence, that the poor gentleman was thunder-struck
again.
_Trick. _ That savoured little of the monsieur's gallantry, especially
when the lady gave him encouragement.
_Wood_ The gentleman was not so dull, but he understood the favour,
and was presuming enough to try if she were mortal. He advanced with
more assurance, and took her fair hands: was he not too bold, madam?
and would not you have drawn back yours, had you been in the sultana's
place?
_Trick. _ If the sultana liked him well enough to come down into the
garden to him, I suppose she came not thither to gather nosegays.
_Wood. _ Give me leave, madam, to thank you, in my friend's behalf, for
your favourable judgment. [_Kisses her hand. _] He kissed her hand with
an exceeding transport; and finding that she prest his at the same
instant, he proceeded with a greater eagerness to her lips--but,
madam, the story would be without life, unless you give me leave to
act the circumstances. [_Kisses her. _
_Trick. _ Well, I'll swear you are the most natural historian!
_Wood. _ But now, madam, my heart beats with joy, when I come to tell
you the sweetest part of his adventure: opportunity was favourable,
and love was on his side; he told her, the chamber was more private,
and a fitter scene for pleasure. Then, looking on her eyes, he found
them languishing; he saw her cheeks blushing, and heard her voice
faultering in a half-denial: he seized her hand with an amorous
ecstacy, and-- [_Takes her hand. _
_Trick. _ Hold, sir, you act your part too far. Your friend was
unconscionable, if he desired more favours at the first interview.
_Wood. _ He both desired and obtained them, madam, and so will--
_Trick. _ [_A noise within. _] Heavens! I hear Mr Limberham's voice:
he's returned from Barnet.
_Wood. _ I'll avoid him.
_Trick. _ That's impossible; he'll meet you. Let me think a
moment:--Mrs Saintly is abroad, and cannot discover you: have any of
the servants seen you?
_Wood. _ None.
_Trick. _ Then you shall pass for my Italian merchant of essences:
here's a little box of them just ready.
_Wood. _ But I speak no Italian; only a few broken scraps, which I
picked from Scaramouch and Harlequin at Paris.
_Trick. _ You must venture that: When we are rid of Limberham, 'tis but
slipping into your chamber, throwing off your black perriwig, and
riding suit, and you come out an Englishman. No more; he's here.
_Enter_ LIMBERHAM.
_Limb. _ Why, how now, Pug? Nay, I must lay you over the lips, to take
hansel of them, for my welcome.
_Trick. _ [_Putting him back. _] Foh! how you smell of sweat, dear!
_Limb. _ I have put myself into this same unsavoury heat, out of my
violent affection to see thee, Pug. Before George, as father Aldo
says, I could not live without thee; thou art the purest bed-fellow,
though I say it, that I did nothing but dream of thee all night; and
then I was so troublesome to father Aldo, (for you must know he and I
were lodged together) that, in my conscience, I did so kiss him, and
so hug him in my sleep!
_Trick. _ I dare be sworn 'twas in your sleep; for, when you are
waking, you are the most honest, quiet bed-fellow, that ever lay by
woman.
_Limb. _ Well, Pug, all shall be amended; I am come home on purpose to
pay old debts. But who is that same fellow there? What makes he in our
territories?
_Trick. _ You oaf you, do you not perceive it is the Italian seignior,
who is come to sell me essences?
_Limb. _ Is this the seignior? I warrant you, it is he the lampoon was
made on. [_Sings the tune of Seignior, and ends with,_ Ho, ho.
_Trick. _ Pr'ythee leave thy foppery, that we may have done with him.
He asks an unreasonable price, and we cannot agree. Here, seignior,
take your trinkets, and be gone.
_Wood. _ [_Taking the box. _] _A dio, seigniora. _
_Limb. _ Hold, pray stay a little, seignior; a thing is come into my
head of the sudden.
_Trick. _ What would you have, you eternal sot? the man's in haste.
_Limb. _ But why should you be in your frumps, Pug, when I design only
to oblige you? I must present you with this box of essences; nothing
can be too dear for thee.
_Trick. _ Pray let him go, he understands no English.
_Limb. _ Then how could you drive a bargain with him, Pug?
_Trick. _ Why, by signs, you coxcomb.
_Limb. _ Very good! then I'll first pull him by the sleeve, that's a
sign to stay. Look you, Mr Seignior, I would make a present of your
essences to this lady; for I find I cannot speak too plain to you,
because you understand no English. Be not you refractory now, but take
ready money: that's a rule.
_Wood. _ _Seignioro, non intendo Inglese. _
_Limb. _ This is a very dull fellow! he says, he does not intend
English. How much shall I offer him, Pug?
_Trick. _ If you will present me, I have bidden him ten guineas.
_Limb. _ And, before George, you bid him fair. Look you, Mr Seignior, I
will give you all these. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 10. Do you
see, Seignior?
_Wood. _ _Seignior, si. _
_Limb. _ Lo' you there, Pug, he does see. Here, will you take me at my
word?
_Wood. _ [_Shrugging up_] _Troppo poco, troppo poco. _
_Limb. _ _A poco, a poco! _ why a pox on you too, an' you go to that.
Stay, now I think on't, I can tickle him up with French; he'll
understand that sure. _Monsieur, voulez vous prendre ces dix guinees,
pour ces essences? mon foy c'est assez. _
_Wood. _ _Chi vala, amici: Ho di casa! taratapa, taratapa, eus, matou,
meau! _--[_To her. _] I am at the end of my Italian; what will become of
me?
_Trick. _ [_To him. _] Speak any thing, and make it pass for Italian;
but be sure you take his money.
_Wood. _ _Seignior, io non canno takare ten guinneo possibilmentè; 'tis
to my losso. _
_Limb. _ That is, Pug, he cannot possibly take ten guineas, 'tis to his
loss: Now I understand him; this is almost English.
_Trick. _ English! away, you fop: 'tis a kind of _lingua Franca_, as I
have heard the merchants call it; a certain compound language, made up
of all tongues, that passes through the Levant.
_Limb. _ This _lingua_, what you call it, is the most rarest language!
I understand it as well as if it were English; you shall see me answer
him: _Seignioro, stay a littlo, and consider wello, ten guinnio is
monyo, a very considerablo summo. _
_Trick. _ Come, you shall make it twelve, and he shall take it for my
sake.
_Limb. _ Then, _Seignioro,_ for _Pugsakio, addo two moro: je vous donne
bon advise: prenez vitement: prenez me à mon mot. _
_Wood. _ _Io losero multo; ma pergagnare il vestro costumo, datemi
hansello. _
_Limb. _ There is both _hansello_ and _guinnio; tako, tako,_ and so
good-morrow.
_Trick. _ Good-morrow, seignior; I like your spirits very well; pray
let me have all your essence you can spare.
_Limb. _ Come, _Puggio,_ and let us retire in _secreto_, like lovers,
into our _chambro_; for I grow _impatiento--bon matin, monsieur, bon
matin et bon jour. _ [_Exeunt_ LIMBERHAM _and_ TRICKSY.
_Wood. _ Well, get thee gone, 'squire Limberhamo, for the easiest fool
I ever knew, next my naunt of fairies in the Alchemist[4]. I have
escaped, thanks to my mistress's _lingua França_: I'll steal to my
chamber, shift my perriwig and clothes; and then, with the help of
resty Gervase, concert the business of the next campaign. My father
sticks in my stomach still; but I am resolved to be Woodall with him,
and Aldo with the women. [_Exit. _
ACT II. SCENE I.
_Enter_ WOODALL _and_ GERVASE.
_Wood. _ Hitherto, sweet Gervase, we have carried matters swimmingly. I
have danced in a net before my father, almost check-mated the keeper,
retired to my chamber undiscovered, shifted my habit, and am come out
an absolute monsieur, to allure the ladies. How sits my _chedreux_?
_Gerv. _ O very finely! with the locks combed down, like a mermaid's on
a sign-post. Well, you think now your father may live in the same
house with you till doomsday, and never find you; or, when he has
found you, he will be kind enough not to consider what a property you
have made of him. My employment is at an end; you have got a better
pimp, thanks to your filial reverence.
_Wood. _ Pr'ythee, what should a man do with such a father, but use him
thus? besides, he does journey-work under me; 'tis his humour to
fumble, and my duty to provide for his old age.
_Gerv. _ Take my advice yet; down o' your marrow bones, and ask
forgiveness; espouse the wife he has provided for you; lie by the side
of a wholesome woman, and procreate your own progeny in the fear of
heaven.
_Wood. _ I have no vocation to it, Gervase: A man of sense is not made
for marriage; 'tis a game, which none but dull plodding fellows can
play at well; and 'tis as natural to them, as crimp is to a Dutchman.
_Gerv. _ Think on't, however, sir; debauchery is upon its last legs in
England: Witty men began the fashion, and now the fops are got into
it, 'tis time to leave it.
_Enter_ ALDO.
_Aldo. _ Son Woodall, thou vigorous young rogue, I congratulate thy
good fortune; thy man has told me the adventure of the Italian
merchant.
_Wood. _ Well, they are now retired together, like Rinaldo and Armida,
to private dalliance; but we shall find a time to separate their
loves, and strike in betwixt them, daddy. But I hear there's another
lady in the house, my landlady's fair daughter; how came you to leave
her out of your catalogue?
_Aldo. _ She's pretty, I confess, but most damnably honest; have a care
of her, I warn you, for she's prying and malicious.
_Wood. _ A twang of the mother; but I love to graff on such a
crab-tree; she may bear good fruit another year.
_Aldo. _ No, no, avoid her; I warrant thee, young Alexander, I will
provide thee more worlds to conquer.
the lines of that hide-bound face: Does he lodge here? If he should
know me, I am ruined.
_Saint. _ Curse on his coming! he has disturbed us. [_Aside. _] Well,
young gentleman, I shall take a time to instruct you better.
_Wood. _ You shall find me an apt scholar.
_Saint. _ I must go abroad upon some business; but remember your
promise, to carry yourself soberly, and without scandal in my family;
and so I leave you to this gentleman, who is a member of it.
[_Exit_ SAINT.
_Aldo. _ [_Aside. _] Before George, a proper fellow, and a swinger he
should be, by his make! the rogue would humble a whore, I warrant
him. --You are welcome, sir, amongst us; most heartily welcome, as I
may say.
_Wood. _ All's well: he knows me not. --Sir, your civility is obliging
to a stranger, and may befriend me, in the acquaintance of our
fellow-lodgers.
_Aldo. _ Hold you there, sir: I must first understand you a little
better; and yet, methinks, you should be true to love.
_Wood. _ Drinking and wenching are but slips of youth: I had those two
good qualities from my father.
_Aldo. _ Thou, boy! Aha, boy! a true Trojan, I warrant thee! [_Hugging
him. _] Well, I say no more; but you are lighted into such a family,
such food for concupiscence, such _bona roba's_!
_Wood. _ One I know, indeed; a wife: But _bona roba's_, say you?
_Aldo. _ I say, _bona roba's_, in the plural number.
_Wood. _ Why, what a Turk Mahomet shall I be! No, I will not make
myself drunk with the conceit of so much joy: The fortune's too great
for mortal man; and I a poor unworthy sinner.
_Aldo. _ Would I lie to my friend? Am I a man? Am I a christian? There
is that wife you mentioned, a delicate little wheedling devil, with
such an appearance of simplicity; and with that, she does so
undermine, so fool her conceited husband, that he despises her!
_Wood. _ Just ripe for horns: His destiny, like a Turk's, is written in
his forehead. [1]
_Aldo. _ Peace, peace! thou art yet ordained for greater things. There
is another, too, a kept mistress, a brave strapping jade, a two-handed
whore!
_Wood. _ A kept mistress, too! my bowels yearn to her already: she is
certain prize.
_Aldo. _ But this lady is so termagant an empress! and he is so
submissive, so tame, so led a keeper, and as proud of his slavery as a
Frenchman. I am confident he dares not find her false, for fear of a
quarrel with her; because he is sure to be at the charges of the war.
She knows he cannot live without her, and therefore seeks occasions of
falling out, to make him purchase peace. I believe she is now aiming
at a settlement.
_Wood. _ Might not I ask you one civil question? How pass you your time
in this noble family? For I find you are a lover of the game, and I
should be loth to hunt in your purlieus.
_Aldo. _ I must first tell you something of my condition. I am here a
friend to all of them; I am their _factotum_, do all their business;
for, not to boast, sir, I am a man of general acquaintance: There is
no news in town, either foreign or domestic, but I have it first; no
mortgage of lands, no sale of houses, but I have a finger in them.
_Wood. _ Then, I suppose, you are a gainer by your pains.
_Aldo. _ No, I do all _gratis_, and am most commonly a loser; only a
buck sometimes from this good lord, or that good lady in the country:
and I eat it not alone, I must have company.
_Wood. _ Pray, what company do you invite?
_Aldo. _ Peace, peace, I am coming to you: Why, you must know I am
tender-natured; and if any unhappy difference have arisen betwixt a
mistress and her gallant, then I strike in, to do good offices betwixt
them; and, at my own proper charges, conclude the quarrel with a
reconciling supper.
_Wood. _ I find the ladies of pleasure are beholden to you.
_Aldo. _ Before George, I love the poor little devils. I am indeed a
father to them, and so they call me: I give them my counsel, and
assist them with my purse. I cannot see a pretty sinner hurried to
prison by the land-pirates, but nature works, and I must bail her; or
want a supper, but I have a couple of crammed chickens, a cream tart,
and a bottle of wine to offer her.
_Wood. _ Sure you expect some kindness in return.
_Aldo. _ Faith, not much: Nature in me is at low water-mark; my body's
a jade, and tires under me; yet I love to smuggle still in a corner;
pat them down, and pur over them; but, after that, I can do them
little harm.
_Wood. _ Then I'm acquainted with your business: You would be a kind of
deputy-fumbler under me.
_Aldo. _ You have me right. Be you the lion, to devour the prey; I am
your jackall, to provide it for you: There will be a bone for me to
pick.
_Wood. _ Your humility becomes your age. For my part, I am vigorous,
and throw at all.
_Aldo. _ As right as if I had begot thee! Wilt thou give me leave to
call thee son?
_Wood. _ With all my heart.
_Aldo. _ Ha, mad son!
_Wood. _ Mad daddy!
_Aldo. _ Your man told me, you were just returned from travel: What
parts have you last visited?
_Wood. _ I came from France.
_Aldo. _ Then, perhaps, you may have known an ungracious boy of mine
there.
_Wood. _ Like enough: Pray, what's his name?
_Aldo. _ George Aldo.
_Wood. _ I must confess I do know the gentleman; satisfy yourself, he's
in health, and upon his return.
_Aldo. _ That's some comfort: But, I hear, a very rogue, a lewd young
fellow.
_Wood. _ The worst I know of him is, that he loves a wench; and that
good quality he has not stolen. [_Music at the Balcony over head: Mrs_
TRICKSY _and_ JUDITH _appear. _]--Hark! There's music above.
_Aldo. _ 'Tis at my daughter Tricksy's lodging; the kept mistress I
told you of, the lass of mettle. But for all she carries it so high, I
know her pedigree; her mother's a sempstress in Dog-and-Bitch yard,
and was, in her youth, as right as she is.
_Wood. _ Then she's a two-piled punk, a punk of two descents.
_Aldo. _ And her father, the famous cobler, who taught Walsingham to
the black-birds. How stand thy affections to her, thou lusty rogue?
_Wood. _ All on fire: A most urging creature!
_Aldo. _ Peace! they are beginning.
A SONG.
I.
_'Gainst keepers we petition,
Who would inclose the common:
'Tis enough to raise sedition
In the free-born subject, woman.
Because for his gold,
I my body have sold,
He thinks I'm a slave for my life;
He rants, domineers,
He swaggers and swears,
And would keep me as bare as his wife. _
II.
_'Gainst keepers we petition, &c.
'Tis honest and fair,
That a feast I prepare;
But when his dull appetite's o'er,
I'll treat with the rest
Some welcomer guest,
For the reckoning was paid me before. _
_Wood. _ A song against keepers! this makes well for us lusty lovers.
_Trick. _ [_Above. _] Father, father Aldo!
_Aldo. _ Daughter Tricksy, are you there, child? your friends at Barnet
are all well, and your dear master Limberham, that noble Hephestion,
is returning with them.
_Trick. _ And you are come upon the spur before, to acquaint me with
the news.
_Aldo. _ Well, thou art the happiest rogue in a kind keeper! He drank
thy health five times, _supernaculum_,[2] to my son Brain-sick; and
dipt my daughter Pleasance's little finger, to make it go down more
glibly:[3] And, before George, I grew tory rory, as they say, and
strained a brimmer through the lily-white smock, i'faith.
_Trick. _ You will never leave these fumbling tricks, father, till you
are taken up on suspicion of manhood, and have a bastard laid at your
door: I am sure you would own it, for your credit.
_Aldo. _ Before George, I should not see it starve, for the mother's
sake: For, if she were a punk, she was good-natured, I warrant her.
_Wood. _ [_Aside. _] Well, if ever son was blest with a hopeful father,
I am.
_Trick. _ Who is that gentleman with you?
_Aldo. _ A young _monsieur_ returned from travel; a lusty young rogue;
a true-milled whoremaster, with the right stamp. He is a
fellow-lodger, incorporate in our society: For whose sake he came
hither, let him tell you.
_Wood. _ [_Aside. _] Are you gloating already? then there's hopes,
i'faith.
_Trick. _ You seem to know him, father.
_Aldo. _ Know him! from his cradle--What's your name?
_Wood. _ Woodall.
_Ald. _ Woodall of Woodall; I knew his father; we were contemporaries,
and fellow-wenchers in our youth.
_Wood. _ [_Aside. _] My honest father stumbles into truth, in spite of
lying.
_Trick. _ I was just coming down to the garden-house, before you came.
[TRICKSY _descends. _
_Aldo. _ I am sorry I cannot stay to present my son, Woodall, to you;
but I have set you together, that's enough for me. [_Exit. _
_Wood. _ [_Alone. _] 'Twas my study to avoid my father, and I have run
full into his mouth: and yet I have a strong hank upon him too; for I
am privy to as many of his virtues, as he is of mine. After all, if I
had an ounce of discretion left, I should pursue this business no
farther: but two fine women in a house! well, it is resolved, come
what will on it, thou art answerable for all my sins, old Aldo--
_Enter_ TRICKSY, _with a box of essences. _
Here she comes, this heir-apparent of a sempstress, and a cobler! and
yet, as she's adorned, she looks like any princess of the blood.
[_Salutes her. _
_Trick. _ [_Aside. _] What a difference there is between this gentleman,
and my feeble keeper, Mr Limberham! he's to my wish, if he would but
make the least advances to me.
--Father Aldo tells me, sir, you are a
traveller: What adventures have you had in foreign countries?
_Wood. _ I have no adventures of my own, can deserve your curiosity;
but, now I think on it, I can tell you one that happened to a French
cavalier, a friend of mine, at Tripoli.
_Trick. _ No wars, I beseech you: I am so weary of father Aldo's
Loraine and Crequi.
_Wood. _ Then this is as you would desire it, a love-adventure. This
French gentleman was made a slave to the Dey of Tripoli; by his good
qualities, gained his master's favour; and after, by corrupting an
eunuch, was brought into the seraglio privately, to see the Dey's
mistress.
_Trick. _ This is somewhat; proceed, sweet sir.
_Wood. _ He was so much amazed, when he first beheld her leaning over a
balcony, that he scarcely dared to lift his eyes, or speak to her.
_Trick. _ [_Aside. _] I find him now. --But what followed of this dumb
interview?
_Wood. _ The nymph was gracious, and came down to him; but with so
goddess-like a presence, that the poor gentleman was thunder-struck
again.
_Trick. _ That savoured little of the monsieur's gallantry, especially
when the lady gave him encouragement.
_Wood_ The gentleman was not so dull, but he understood the favour,
and was presuming enough to try if she were mortal. He advanced with
more assurance, and took her fair hands: was he not too bold, madam?
and would not you have drawn back yours, had you been in the sultana's
place?
_Trick. _ If the sultana liked him well enough to come down into the
garden to him, I suppose she came not thither to gather nosegays.
_Wood. _ Give me leave, madam, to thank you, in my friend's behalf, for
your favourable judgment. [_Kisses her hand. _] He kissed her hand with
an exceeding transport; and finding that she prest his at the same
instant, he proceeded with a greater eagerness to her lips--but,
madam, the story would be without life, unless you give me leave to
act the circumstances. [_Kisses her. _
_Trick. _ Well, I'll swear you are the most natural historian!
_Wood. _ But now, madam, my heart beats with joy, when I come to tell
you the sweetest part of his adventure: opportunity was favourable,
and love was on his side; he told her, the chamber was more private,
and a fitter scene for pleasure. Then, looking on her eyes, he found
them languishing; he saw her cheeks blushing, and heard her voice
faultering in a half-denial: he seized her hand with an amorous
ecstacy, and-- [_Takes her hand. _
_Trick. _ Hold, sir, you act your part too far. Your friend was
unconscionable, if he desired more favours at the first interview.
_Wood. _ He both desired and obtained them, madam, and so will--
_Trick. _ [_A noise within. _] Heavens! I hear Mr Limberham's voice:
he's returned from Barnet.
_Wood. _ I'll avoid him.
_Trick. _ That's impossible; he'll meet you. Let me think a
moment:--Mrs Saintly is abroad, and cannot discover you: have any of
the servants seen you?
_Wood. _ None.
_Trick. _ Then you shall pass for my Italian merchant of essences:
here's a little box of them just ready.
_Wood. _ But I speak no Italian; only a few broken scraps, which I
picked from Scaramouch and Harlequin at Paris.
_Trick. _ You must venture that: When we are rid of Limberham, 'tis but
slipping into your chamber, throwing off your black perriwig, and
riding suit, and you come out an Englishman. No more; he's here.
_Enter_ LIMBERHAM.
_Limb. _ Why, how now, Pug? Nay, I must lay you over the lips, to take
hansel of them, for my welcome.
_Trick. _ [_Putting him back. _] Foh! how you smell of sweat, dear!
_Limb. _ I have put myself into this same unsavoury heat, out of my
violent affection to see thee, Pug. Before George, as father Aldo
says, I could not live without thee; thou art the purest bed-fellow,
though I say it, that I did nothing but dream of thee all night; and
then I was so troublesome to father Aldo, (for you must know he and I
were lodged together) that, in my conscience, I did so kiss him, and
so hug him in my sleep!
_Trick. _ I dare be sworn 'twas in your sleep; for, when you are
waking, you are the most honest, quiet bed-fellow, that ever lay by
woman.
_Limb. _ Well, Pug, all shall be amended; I am come home on purpose to
pay old debts. But who is that same fellow there? What makes he in our
territories?
_Trick. _ You oaf you, do you not perceive it is the Italian seignior,
who is come to sell me essences?
_Limb. _ Is this the seignior? I warrant you, it is he the lampoon was
made on. [_Sings the tune of Seignior, and ends with,_ Ho, ho.
_Trick. _ Pr'ythee leave thy foppery, that we may have done with him.
He asks an unreasonable price, and we cannot agree. Here, seignior,
take your trinkets, and be gone.
_Wood. _ [_Taking the box. _] _A dio, seigniora. _
_Limb. _ Hold, pray stay a little, seignior; a thing is come into my
head of the sudden.
_Trick. _ What would you have, you eternal sot? the man's in haste.
_Limb. _ But why should you be in your frumps, Pug, when I design only
to oblige you? I must present you with this box of essences; nothing
can be too dear for thee.
_Trick. _ Pray let him go, he understands no English.
_Limb. _ Then how could you drive a bargain with him, Pug?
_Trick. _ Why, by signs, you coxcomb.
_Limb. _ Very good! then I'll first pull him by the sleeve, that's a
sign to stay. Look you, Mr Seignior, I would make a present of your
essences to this lady; for I find I cannot speak too plain to you,
because you understand no English. Be not you refractory now, but take
ready money: that's a rule.
_Wood. _ _Seignioro, non intendo Inglese. _
_Limb. _ This is a very dull fellow! he says, he does not intend
English. How much shall I offer him, Pug?
_Trick. _ If you will present me, I have bidden him ten guineas.
_Limb. _ And, before George, you bid him fair. Look you, Mr Seignior, I
will give you all these. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 10. Do you
see, Seignior?
_Wood. _ _Seignior, si. _
_Limb. _ Lo' you there, Pug, he does see. Here, will you take me at my
word?
_Wood. _ [_Shrugging up_] _Troppo poco, troppo poco. _
_Limb. _ _A poco, a poco! _ why a pox on you too, an' you go to that.
Stay, now I think on't, I can tickle him up with French; he'll
understand that sure. _Monsieur, voulez vous prendre ces dix guinees,
pour ces essences? mon foy c'est assez. _
_Wood. _ _Chi vala, amici: Ho di casa! taratapa, taratapa, eus, matou,
meau! _--[_To her. _] I am at the end of my Italian; what will become of
me?
_Trick. _ [_To him. _] Speak any thing, and make it pass for Italian;
but be sure you take his money.
_Wood. _ _Seignior, io non canno takare ten guinneo possibilmentè; 'tis
to my losso. _
_Limb. _ That is, Pug, he cannot possibly take ten guineas, 'tis to his
loss: Now I understand him; this is almost English.
_Trick. _ English! away, you fop: 'tis a kind of _lingua Franca_, as I
have heard the merchants call it; a certain compound language, made up
of all tongues, that passes through the Levant.
_Limb. _ This _lingua_, what you call it, is the most rarest language!
I understand it as well as if it were English; you shall see me answer
him: _Seignioro, stay a littlo, and consider wello, ten guinnio is
monyo, a very considerablo summo. _
_Trick. _ Come, you shall make it twelve, and he shall take it for my
sake.
_Limb. _ Then, _Seignioro,_ for _Pugsakio, addo two moro: je vous donne
bon advise: prenez vitement: prenez me à mon mot. _
_Wood. _ _Io losero multo; ma pergagnare il vestro costumo, datemi
hansello. _
_Limb. _ There is both _hansello_ and _guinnio; tako, tako,_ and so
good-morrow.
_Trick. _ Good-morrow, seignior; I like your spirits very well; pray
let me have all your essence you can spare.
_Limb. _ Come, _Puggio,_ and let us retire in _secreto_, like lovers,
into our _chambro_; for I grow _impatiento--bon matin, monsieur, bon
matin et bon jour. _ [_Exeunt_ LIMBERHAM _and_ TRICKSY.
_Wood. _ Well, get thee gone, 'squire Limberhamo, for the easiest fool
I ever knew, next my naunt of fairies in the Alchemist[4]. I have
escaped, thanks to my mistress's _lingua França_: I'll steal to my
chamber, shift my perriwig and clothes; and then, with the help of
resty Gervase, concert the business of the next campaign. My father
sticks in my stomach still; but I am resolved to be Woodall with him,
and Aldo with the women. [_Exit. _
ACT II. SCENE I.
_Enter_ WOODALL _and_ GERVASE.
_Wood. _ Hitherto, sweet Gervase, we have carried matters swimmingly. I
have danced in a net before my father, almost check-mated the keeper,
retired to my chamber undiscovered, shifted my habit, and am come out
an absolute monsieur, to allure the ladies. How sits my _chedreux_?
_Gerv. _ O very finely! with the locks combed down, like a mermaid's on
a sign-post. Well, you think now your father may live in the same
house with you till doomsday, and never find you; or, when he has
found you, he will be kind enough not to consider what a property you
have made of him. My employment is at an end; you have got a better
pimp, thanks to your filial reverence.
_Wood. _ Pr'ythee, what should a man do with such a father, but use him
thus? besides, he does journey-work under me; 'tis his humour to
fumble, and my duty to provide for his old age.
_Gerv. _ Take my advice yet; down o' your marrow bones, and ask
forgiveness; espouse the wife he has provided for you; lie by the side
of a wholesome woman, and procreate your own progeny in the fear of
heaven.
_Wood. _ I have no vocation to it, Gervase: A man of sense is not made
for marriage; 'tis a game, which none but dull plodding fellows can
play at well; and 'tis as natural to them, as crimp is to a Dutchman.
_Gerv. _ Think on't, however, sir; debauchery is upon its last legs in
England: Witty men began the fashion, and now the fops are got into
it, 'tis time to leave it.
_Enter_ ALDO.
_Aldo. _ Son Woodall, thou vigorous young rogue, I congratulate thy
good fortune; thy man has told me the adventure of the Italian
merchant.
_Wood. _ Well, they are now retired together, like Rinaldo and Armida,
to private dalliance; but we shall find a time to separate their
loves, and strike in betwixt them, daddy. But I hear there's another
lady in the house, my landlady's fair daughter; how came you to leave
her out of your catalogue?
_Aldo. _ She's pretty, I confess, but most damnably honest; have a care
of her, I warn you, for she's prying and malicious.
_Wood. _ A twang of the mother; but I love to graff on such a
crab-tree; she may bear good fruit another year.
_Aldo. _ No, no, avoid her; I warrant thee, young Alexander, I will
provide thee more worlds to conquer.
