No More Learning

CINESIAS. You love me? Then why refuse what I ask, my little girl, my
sweet Myrrhine.

MYRRHINE. You must be joking! What, before the child!

CINESIAS. Manes, carry the lad home. There, you see, the child is gone;
there's nothing to hinder us; let us to work!

MYRRHINE. But, miserable man, where, where are we to do it?

CINESIAS. In the cave of Pan; nothing could be better.

MYRRHINE. But how to purify myself, before going back into the citadel?

CINESIAS. Nothing easier! you can wash at the Clepsydra. [448]

MYRRHINE. But my oath? Do you want me to perjure myself?

CINESIAS. I take all responsibility; never make yourself anxious.

MYRRHINE. Well, I'll be off, then, and find a bed for us.

CINESIAS. Oh! 'tis not worth while; we can lie on the ground surely.

MYRRHINE. No, no! bad man as you are, I don't like your lying on the bare
earth.

CINESIAS. Ah! how the dear girl loves me!

MYRRHINE (_coming back with a bed_). Come, get to bed quick; I am going
to undress. But, plague take it, we must get a mattress.

CINESIAS. A mattress! Oh! no, never mind!

MYRRHINE. No, by Artemis! lie on the bare sacking, never! That were too
squalid.

CINESIAS. A kiss!

MYRRHINE. Wait a minute!

CINESIAS. Oh! by the great gods, be quick back!

MYRRHINE (_coming back with a mattress_). Here is a mattress. Lie down, I
am just going to undress. But, but you've got no pillow.

CINESIAS. I don't want one, no, no.

MYRRHINE. But _I_ do.

CINESIAS. Oh! dear, oh, dear! they treat my poor penis for all the world
like Heracles. [449]

MYRRHINE (_coming back with a pillow_). There, lift your head, dear!

CINESIAS. That's really everything.

MYRRHINE. Is it everything, I wonder.

CINESIAS. Come, my treasure.

MYRRHINE. I am just unfastening my girdle. But remember what you promised
me about making Peace; mind you keep your word.

CINESIAS. Yes, yes, upon my life I will.

MYRRHINE. Why, you have no blanket.

CINESIAS. Great Zeus! what matter of that? 'tis you I want to fuck.

MYRRHINE Never fear--directly, directly! I'll be back in no time.

CINESIAS. The woman will kill me with her blankets!

MYRRHINE (_coming back with a blanket_). Now, get up for one moment.

CINESIAS. But I tell you, our friend here is up--all stiff and ready!

MYRRHINE. Would you like me to scent you?

CINESIAS. No, by Apollo, no, please!

MYRRHINE. Yes, by Aphrodite, but I will, whether you wish it or no.

CINESIAS. Ah! great Zeus, may she soon be done!

MYRRHINE (_coming back with a flask of perfume_). Hold out your hand; now
rub it in.

CINESIAS. Oh! in Apollo's name, I don't much like the smell of it; but
perhaps 'twill improve when it's well rubbed in. It does not somehow
smack of the marriage bed!

MYRRHINE. There, what a scatterbrain I am; if I have not brought Rhodian
perfumes! [450]

CINESIAS. Never mind, dearest, let be now.

MYRRHINE. You are joking!

CINESIAS. Deuce take the man who first invented perfumes, say I!

MYRRHINE (_coming back with another flask_). Here, take this bottle.

CINESIAS. I have a better all ready for your service, darling. Come, you
provoking creature, to bed with you, and don't bring another thing.

MYRRHINE. Coming, coming; I'm just slipping off my shoes. Dear boy, will
you vote for peace?

CINESIAS. I'll think about it. (_Myrrhine runs away. _) I'm a dead man,
she is killing me! She has gone, and left me in torment! I must have
someone to fuck, I must! Ah me! the loveliest of women has choused and
cheated me. Poor little lad (_addressing his penis_), how am I to give
you what you want so badly? Where is Cynalopex? quick, man, get him a
nurse, do! [451]

CHORUS OF OLD MEN. Poor, miserable wretch, baulked in your amorousness!
what tortures are yours! Ah! you fill me with pity. Could any man's back
and loins stand such a strain? His organ stands stiff and rigid, and
there's never a wench to help him!

CINESIAS. Ye gods in heaven, what pains I suffer!

CHORUS OF OLD MEN. Well, there it is; 'tis her doing, that abandoned
hussy!

CINESIAS. Nay, nay! rather say that sweetest, dearest darling.

CHORUS OF OLD MEN. That dearest darling? no, no, that hussy, say I! Zeus,
thou god of the skies, canst not let loose a hurricane, to sweep them all
up into the air, and whirl 'em round, then drop 'em down crash! and
impale them on the point of his weapon!

A HERALD. Say, where shall I find the Senate and the Prytanes? I am
bearer of despatches.

MAGISTRATE. But are you a man or a Priapus, pray? [452]

HERALD. Oh! but he's mighty simple. I am a herald, of course, I swear I
am, and I come from Sparta about making peace.

MAGISTRATE. But look, you are hiding a lance under your clothes, surely.

HERALD. No, nothing of the sort.

MAGISTRATE. Then why do you turn away like that, and hold your cloak out
from your body? Have you gotten swellings in the groin with your journey?

HERALD. By the twin brethren! the man's an old maniac.

MAGISTRATE. Ah, ha! my fine lad, why I can see it standing, oh fie!

HERALD. I tell you no! but enough of this foolery.

MAGISTRATE. Well, what is it you have there then?

HERALD. A Lacedaemonian 'skytale. '[453]

MAGISTRATE. Oh, indeed, a 'skytale,' is it? Well, well, speak out
frankly; I know all about these matters. How are things going at Sparta
now?

HERALD. Why, everything is turned upside down at Sparta; and all the
allies are half dead with lusting. We simply must have Pellene. [454]

MAGISTRATE. What is the reason of it all? Is it the god Pan's doing?

HERALD. No, but Lampito's and the Spartan women's, acting at her
instigation; they have denied the men all access to their cunts.

MAGISTRATE. But whatever do you do?

HERALD. We are at our wits' end; we walk bent double, just as if we were
carrying lanterns in a wind. The jades have sworn we shall not so much as
touch their cunts till we have all agreed to conclude peace.

MAGISTRATE. Ha, ha!
So I see now, 'tis a general conspiracy embracing all
Greece. Go you back to Sparta and bid them send Envoys with plenary
powers to treat for peace. I will urge our Senators myself to name
Plenipotentiaries from us; and to persuade them, why, I will show them
this. (_Pointing to his erect penis. _)

HERALD. What could be better? I fly at your command.

CHORUS OF OLD MEN. No wild beast is there, no flame of fire, more fierce
and untameable than woman; the panther is less savage and shameless.

CHORUS OF WOMEN. And yet you dare to make war upon me, wretch, when you
might have me for your most faithful friend and ally.

CHORUS OF OLD MEN. Never, never can my hatred cease towards women.

CHORUS OF WOMEN. Well, please yourself. Still I cannot bear to leave you
all naked as you are; folks would laugh at me. Come, I am going to put
this tunic on you.

CHORUS OF OLD MEN. You are right, upon my word! it was only in my
confounded fit of rage I took it off.

CHORUS OF WOMEN. Now at any rate you look like a man, and they won't make
fun of you. Ah! if you had not offended me so badly, I would take out
that nasty insect you have in your eye for you.

CHORUS OF OLD MEN. Ah! so that's what was annoying me so! Look, here's a
ring, just remove the insect, and show it me. By Zeus! it has been
hurting my eye this ever so long.

CHORUS OF WOMEN. Well, I agree, though your manners are not over and
above pleasant. Oh! what a huge great gnat! just look! It's from
Tricorysus, for sure. [455]

CHORUS OF OLD MEN. A thousand thanks! the creature was digging a regular
well in my eye; now it's gone, my tears flow freely.

CHORUS OF WOMEN. I will wipe them for you--bad, naughty man though you
are. Now, just one kiss.

CHORUS OF OLD MEN. No--a kiss, certainly not!

CHORUS OF WOMEN. Just one, whether you like it or not.

CHORUS OF OLD MEN. Oh! those confounded women! how they do cajole us! How
true the saying: "'Tis impossible to live with the baggages, impossible
to live without 'em"! Come, let us agree for the future not to regard
each other any more as enemies; and to clinch the bargain, let us sing a
choric song.

CHORUS OF WOMEN. We desire, Athenians, to speak ill of no man; but on the
contrary to say much good of everyone, and to _do_ the like. We have had
enough of misfortunes and calamities. Is there any, man or woman, wants a
bit of money--two or three minas or so;[456] well, our purse is full. If
only peace is concluded, the borrower will not have to pay back. Also I'm
inviting to supper a few Carystian friends,[457] who are excellently well
qualified. I have still a drop of good soup left, and a young porker I'm
going to kill, and the flesh will be sweet and tender. I shall expect you
at my house to-day; but first away to the baths with you, you and your
children; then come all of you, ask no one's leave, but walk straight up,
as if you were at home; never fear, the door will be . . . shut in your
faces! [458]

CHORUS OF OLD MEN. Ah! here come the Envoys from Sparta with their long
flowing beards; why, you would think they wore a cage[459] between their
thighs. (_Enter the Lacedaemonian Envoys. _) Hail to you, first of all,
Laconians; then tell us how you fare.

A LACONIAN. No need for many words; you see what a state we are in.

CHORUS OF OLD MEN. Alas! the situation grows more and more strained! the
intensity of the thing is just frightful.

LACONIAN. 'Tis beyond belief. But to work! summon your Commissioners, and
let us patch up the best peace we may.

CHORUS OF OLD MEN. Ah! our men too, like wrestlers in the arena, cannot
endure a rag over their bellies; 'tis an athlete's malady, which only
exercise can remedy.

AN ATHENIAN. Can anybody tell us where Lysistrata is? Surely she will
have some compassion on our condition.

CHORUS OF OLD MEN. Look! 'tis the very same complaint. (_Addressing the
Athenian. _) Don't you feel of mornings a strong nervous tension?

ATHENIAN. Yes, and a dreadful, dreadful torture it is! Unless peace is
made very soon, we shall find no resource but to fuck Clisthenes. [460]

CHORUS OF OLD MEN. Take my advice, and put on your clothes again; one of
the fellows who mutilated the Hermae[461] might see you.

ATHENIAN. You are right.

LACONIAN. Quite right. There, I will slip on my tunic.

ATHENIAN. Oh! what a terrible state we are in! Greeting to you, Laconian
fellow-sufferers.

LACONIAN (_addressing one of his countrymen_). Ah! my boy, what a thing
it would have been if these fellows had seen us just now when our tools
were on full stand!

ATHENIAN. Speak out, Laconians, what is it brings you here?

LACONIAN. We have come to treat for peace.

ATHENIAN. Well said; we are of the same mind. Better call Lysistrata
then; she is the only person will bring us to terms.

LACONIAN. Yes, yes--and Lysistratus into the bargain, if you will.

CHORUS OF OLD MEN. Needless to call her; she has heard your voices, and
here she comes.

ATHENIAN. Hail, boldest and bravest of womankind! The time is come to
show yourself in turn uncompromising and conciliatory, exacting and
yielding, haughty and condescending. Call up all your skill and
artfulness. Lo! the foremost men in Hellas, seduced by your fascinations,
are agreed to entrust you with the task of ending their quarrels.

LYSISTRATA. 'Twill be an easy task--if only they refrain from mutual
indulgence in masculine love; if they do, I shall know the fact at once.
Now, where is the gentle goddess Peace? Lead hither the Laconian Envoys.
But, look you, no roughness or violence; our husbands always behaved so
boorishly. [462] Bring them to me with smiles, as women should. If any
refuse to give you his hand, then catch him by the penis and draw him
politely forward. Bring up the Athenians too; you may take them just how
you will. Laconians, approach; and you, Athenians, on my other side. Now
hearken all! I am but a woman; but I have good common sense; Nature has
dowered me with discriminating judgment, which I have yet further
developed, thanks to the wise teachings of my father and the elders of
the city. First I must bring a reproach against you that applies equally
to both sides. At Olympia, and Thermopylae, and Delphi, and a score of
other places too numerous to mention, you celebrate before the same
altars ceremonies common to all Hellenes; yet you go cutting each other's
throats, and sacking Hellenic cities, when all the while the Barbarian is
yonder threatening you! That is my first point.

ATHENIAN. Ah, ah! concupiscence is killing me!

LYSISTRATA. Now 'tis to you I address myself, Laconians. Have you
forgotten how Periclides,[463] your own countryman, sat a suppliant
before our altars? How pale he was in his purple robes! He had come to
crave an army of us; 'twas the time when Messenia was pressing you sore,
and the Sea-god was shaking the earth. Cimon marched to your aid at the
head of four thousand hoplites, and saved Lacedaemon. And, after such a
service as that, you ravage the soil of your benefactors!

ATHENIAN. They do wrong, very wrong, Lysistrata.

LACONIAN. We do wrong, very wrong. Ah! great gods! what lovely thighs she
has!

LYSISTRATA. And now a word to the Athenians. Have you no memory left of
how, in the days when ye wore the tunic of slaves, the Laconians came,
spear in hand, and slew a host of Thessalians and partisans of Hippias
the Tyrant? They, and they only, fought on your side on that eventful
day; they delivered you from despotism, and thanks to them our Nation
could change the short tunic of the slave for the long cloak of the free
man.

LACONIAN. I have never seen a woman of more gracious dignity.

ATHENIAN. I have never seen a woman with a finer cunt!

LYSISTRATA. Bound by such ties of mutual kindness, how can you bear to be
at war? Stop, stay the hateful strife, be reconciled; what hinders you?

LACONIAN. We are quite ready, if they will give us back our rampart.

LYSISTRATA. What rampart, my dear man?

LACONIAN. Pylos, which we have been asking for and craving for ever so
long.

ATHENIAN. In the Sea-god's name, you shall never have it!

LYSISTRATA. Agree, my friends, agree.

ATHENIAN. But then what city shall we be able to stir up trouble in?

LYSISTRATA. Ask for another place in exchange.

ATHENIAN. Ah! that's the ticket! Well, to begin with, give us Echinus,
the Maliac gulf adjoining, and the two legs of Megara. [464]

LACONIAN. Oh! surely, surely not all that, my dear sir.

LYSISTRATA. Come to terms; never make a difficulty of two legs more or
less!

ATHENIAN. Well, I'm ready now to off coat and cultivate my land.

LACONIAN. And I too, to dung it to start with.

LYSISTRATA. That's just what you shall do, once peace is signed. So, if
you really want to make it, go consult your allies about the matter.

ATHENIAN. What allies, I should like to know? Why, we are _all_ on the
stand; not one but is mad to be fucking. What we all want, is to be abed
with our wives; how should our allies fail to second our project?

LACONIAN. And ours the same, for certain sure!