Don't laugh in that
horrible
way!
Kipling - Poems
You're shivering.
Put on your cape, dear.
SHE. I think I will. Oh! Look at the mist coming over Sanjaoli; and I
thought we should have sunshine on the Ladies' Mile! Let's turn back.
HE. What's the good? There's a cloud on Elysium Hill, and that means
it's foggy all down the Mall. We'll go on. It'll blow away before we get
to the Convent, perhaps. 'Jove! It is chilly.
SHE. You feel it, fresh from below. Put on your ulster. What do you
think of my cape?
HE. Never ask a man his opinion of a woman's dress when he is
desperately and abjectly in love with the wearer. Let me look. Like
everything else of yours it's perfect. Where did you get it from?
SHE. He gave it me, on Wednesday. . . our wedding-day, you know.
HE. The deuce He did! He's growing generous in his old age. D'you like
all that frilly, bunchy stuff at the throat? I don't.
SHE. Don't you?
"Kind Sir, O' your courtesy,
As you go by the town, Sir,
Pray you O' your love for me,
Buy me a russet gown, Sir. "
HE. I won't say: "Keek into the draw-well, Janet, Janet. " Only wait a
little, darling, and you shall be stocked with russet gowns and
everything else.
SHE. And when the frocks wear out, you'll get me new ones--and
everything else?
HE. Assuredly.
SHE. I wonder!
HE. Look here, Sweetheart, I didn't spend two days and two nights in
the train to hear you wonder. I thought we'd settled all that at
Shaifazehat.
SHE (dreamily). At Shaifazehat? Does the Station go on still? That
was ages and ages ago. It must be crumbling to pieces. All except the
Amirtollah kutcha road. I don't believe that could crumble till the Day
of Judgment.
Ha. You think so? What is the mood now?
SHE. I can't tell. How cold it is! Let us get on quickly.
Ha. Better walk a little. Stop your jhampanis and get out. What's the
matter with you this evening, dear?
SHE. Nothing. You must grow accustomed to my ways. If I'm boring you
I can go home. Here's Captain Congleton coming; I dare say he'll be
willing to escort me.
Ha. Goose! Between us, too! Damn Captain Congleton. There!
SHE. Chivalrous Knight! Is it your habit to swear much in talking? It
jars a little, and you might swear at me.
HE. My angel! I didn't know what I was saying; and you changed so
quickly that I couldn't follow. I'll apologize in dust and ashes.
SHE. There'll be enough of those later on. Good night, Captain
Congleton. Going to the singing-quadrilles already? What dances am I
giving you next week? No! You must have written them down wrong. Five
and Seven, I said. If you've made a mistake, I certainly don't intend to
suffer for it. You must alter your programme.
HE. I thought you told me that you had not been going out much this
season?
SHE. Quite true, but when I do I dance with Captain Congleton. He dances
very nicely.
HE. And sit out with him, I suppose?
SHE. Yes. Have you any objection? Shall I stand under the chandelier in
future?
HE. What does he talk to you about?
SHE. What do men talk about when they sit out?
Ha. Ugh! Don't! Well now I'm up, you must dispense with the fascinating
Congleton for a while. I don't like him.
SHE. (after a pause). Do you know what you have said?
HE. 'Can't say that I do exactly. I'm not in the best of tempers.
SHE. So I see. . . and feel. My true and faithful lover, where is your
"eternal constancy," "unalterable trust," and "reverent devotion"? I
remember those phrases; you seem to have forgotten them. I mention a
man's name--
HE. A good deal more than that.
SHE. Well, speak to him about a dance--perhaps the last dance that I
shall ever dance in my life before I. . . before I go away; and you at once
distrust and insult me.
HE. I never said a word.
SHE. How much did you imply? Guy, is this amount of confidence to be our
stock to start the new life on?
HE. No, of course not. I didn't mean that. On my word of honor, I
didn't. Let it pass, dear. Please let it pass.
SHE. This once--yes--and a second time, and again and again, all through
the years when I shall be unable to resent it. You want too much, my
Lancelot, and. . . you know too much.
HE. How do you mean?
SHE. That is a part of the punishment. There cannot be perfect trust
between us.
HE. In Heaven's name, why not?
SHE. Hush! The Other Place is quite enough. Ask yourself.
HE. I don't follow.
SHE. You trust me so implicitly that when I look at another man--Never
mind, Guy. Have you ever made love to a girl--a good girl?
HE. Something of the sort. Centuries ago--in the Dark Ages, before I
ever met you, dear.
SHE. Tell me what you said to her.
HE. What does a man say to a girl? I've forgotten.
SHE. I remember. He tells her that he trusts her and worships the ground
she walks on, and that he'll love and honor and protect her till her
dying day; and so she marries in that belief. At least, I speak of one
girl who was not protected.
HE. Well, and then?
SHE. And then, Guy, and then, that girl needs ten times the love and
trust and honor--yes, honor--that was enough when she was only a mere
wife if--if--the other life she chooses to lead is to be made even
bearable. Do you understand?
HE. Even bearable! It'll he Paradise.
SHE. Ah! Can you give me all I've asked for--not now, nor a few months
later, but when you begin to think of what you might have done if you
had kept your own appointment and your caste here--when you begin to
look upon me as a drag and a burden? I shall want it most, then, Guy,
for there will be no one in the wide world but you.
HE. You're a little over-tired tonight, Sweetheart, and you're taking a
stage view of the situation. After the necessary business in the Courts,
the road is clear to--
SHE. "The holy state of matrimony! " Ha! ha! ha!
HE. Ssh!
Don't laugh in that horrible way!
SHE. I-I c-c-c-can't help it! Isn't it too absurd! Ah! Ha! ha! ha! Guy,
stop me quick or I shall--l-l-laugh till we get to the Church.
HE. For goodness' sake, stop! Don't make an exhibition of yourself. What
is the matter with you?
SHE. N-nothing. I'm better now.
HE. That's all right. One moment, dear. There's a little wisp of hair
got loose from behind your right ear and it's straggling over your
cheek. So!
SHE. Thank'oo. I'm 'fraid my hat's on one side, too.
HE. What do you wear these huge dagger bonnet-skewers for? They're big
enough to kill a man with.
SHE. Oh! Don't kill me, though. You're sticking it into my head! Let me
do it. You men are so clumsy.
HE. Have you had many opportunities of comparing us--in this sort of
work?
SHE. Guy, what is my name?
HE. Eh! I don't follow.
SHE. Here's my cardcase. Can you read?
HE. Yes. Well?
SHE. Well, that answers your question. You know the other man's name. Am
I sufficiently humbled, or would you like to ask me if there is any one
else?
HE. I see now. My darling, I never meant that for an instant. I was only
joking. There! Lucky there's no one on the road. They'd be scandalized.
SHE. They'll be more scandalized before the end.
HE. Do-on't! I don't like you to talk in that way.
SHE. Unreasonable man! Who asked me to face the situation and accept
it? Tell me, do I look like Mrs. Penner? Do I look like a naughty woman?
Swear I don't! Give me your word of honor, my honorable friend, that I'm
not like Mrs. Buzgago. That's the way she stands, with her hands clasped
at the back of her head. D'you like that?
HE. Don't be affected.
SHE. I'm not. I'm Mrs. Buzgago. Listen!
Pendant une anne' toute entiere
Le regiment n'a pas r'paru.
Au Ministere de la Guerre
On le r'porta comme perdu.
On se r'noncait a r'trouver sa trace,
Quand un matin subitement,
On le vit r'paraitre sur la place
L'Colonel toujours en avant.
That's the way she rolls her r's. Am I like her?
HE. No, but I object when you go on like an actress and sing stuff of
that kind. Where in the world did you pick up the Chanson du Colonel? It
isn't a drawing-room song. It isn't proper.
SHE. Mrs. Buzgago taught it me. She is both drawing-room and proper, and
in another month she'll shut her drawing-room to me, and thank God she
isn't as improper as I am. Oh, Guy, Guy! I wish I was like some women
and had no scruples about--what is it Keene says? --"Wearing a corpse's
hair and being false to the bread they eat. "
HE. I am only a man of limited intelligence, and just now, very
bewildered. When you have quite finished flashing through all your moods
tell me, and I'll try to understand the last one.
SHE. Moods, Guy! I haven't any. I'm sixteen years old and you're just
twenty, and you've been waiting for two hours outside the school in the
cold. And now I've met you, and now we're walking home together. Does
that suit you, My Imperial Majesty?
HE. No. We aren't children. Why can't you be rational?
SHE. He asks me that when I'm going to commit suicide for his sake, and,
and--I don't want to be French and rave about my mother, but have I ever
told you that I have a mother, and a brother who was my pet before I
married? He's married now. Can't you imagine the pleasure that the news
of the elopement will give him? Have you any people at Home, Guy, to be
pleased with your performances?
HE. One or two. One can't make omelets without breaking eggs.
SHE (slowly). I don't see the necessity--
HE. Hah! What do you mean?
SHE. Shall I speak the truth?
HE. Under the circumstances, perhaps it would be as well.
SHE. Guy, I'm afraid.
HE. I thought we'd settled all that. What of?
SHE. Of you.
HE. Oh, damn it all! The old business! This is too had!
SHE. Of you.
HE. And what now?
SHE. What do you think of me?
HE. Beside the question altogether. What do you intend to do?
SHE. I daren't risk it. I'm afraid. If I could only cheat--
HE. A la Buzgago? No, thanks. That's the one point on which I have any
notion of Honor. I won't eat his salt and steal too. I'll loot openly or
not at all.
SHE. I never meant anything else.
HE. Then, why in the world do you pretend not to be willing to come?
SHE. It's not pretence, Guy. I am afraid.
HE. Please explain.
SHE. It can't last, Guy. It can't last. You'll get angry, and then
you'll swear, and then you'll get jealous, and then you'll mistrust
me--you do now--and you yourself will be the best reason for doubting.
And I--what shall I do? I shall be no better than Mrs. Buzgago found
out--no better than any one. And you'll know that. Oh, Guy, can't you
see?
HE. I see that you are desperately unreasonable, little woman.
SHE. There! The moment I begin to object, you get angry. What will you
do when I am only your property--stolen property? It can't be, Guy. It
can't be! I thought it could, but it can't. You'll get tired of me.
HE. I tell you I shall not. Won't anything make you understand that?
SHE. There, can't you see? If you speak to me like that now, you'll call
me horrible names later, if I don't do everything as you like. And if
you were cruel to me, Guy, where should I go--where should I go? I can't
trust you. Oh! I can't trust you!
HE. I suppose I ought to say that I can trust you. I've ample reason.
SHE. Please don't, dear. It hurts as much as if you hit me.
HE. It isn't exactly pleasant for me.
SHE. I think I will. Oh! Look at the mist coming over Sanjaoli; and I
thought we should have sunshine on the Ladies' Mile! Let's turn back.
HE. What's the good? There's a cloud on Elysium Hill, and that means
it's foggy all down the Mall. We'll go on. It'll blow away before we get
to the Convent, perhaps. 'Jove! It is chilly.
SHE. You feel it, fresh from below. Put on your ulster. What do you
think of my cape?
HE. Never ask a man his opinion of a woman's dress when he is
desperately and abjectly in love with the wearer. Let me look. Like
everything else of yours it's perfect. Where did you get it from?
SHE. He gave it me, on Wednesday. . . our wedding-day, you know.
HE. The deuce He did! He's growing generous in his old age. D'you like
all that frilly, bunchy stuff at the throat? I don't.
SHE. Don't you?
"Kind Sir, O' your courtesy,
As you go by the town, Sir,
Pray you O' your love for me,
Buy me a russet gown, Sir. "
HE. I won't say: "Keek into the draw-well, Janet, Janet. " Only wait a
little, darling, and you shall be stocked with russet gowns and
everything else.
SHE. And when the frocks wear out, you'll get me new ones--and
everything else?
HE. Assuredly.
SHE. I wonder!
HE. Look here, Sweetheart, I didn't spend two days and two nights in
the train to hear you wonder. I thought we'd settled all that at
Shaifazehat.
SHE (dreamily). At Shaifazehat? Does the Station go on still? That
was ages and ages ago. It must be crumbling to pieces. All except the
Amirtollah kutcha road. I don't believe that could crumble till the Day
of Judgment.
Ha. You think so? What is the mood now?
SHE. I can't tell. How cold it is! Let us get on quickly.
Ha. Better walk a little. Stop your jhampanis and get out. What's the
matter with you this evening, dear?
SHE. Nothing. You must grow accustomed to my ways. If I'm boring you
I can go home. Here's Captain Congleton coming; I dare say he'll be
willing to escort me.
Ha. Goose! Between us, too! Damn Captain Congleton. There!
SHE. Chivalrous Knight! Is it your habit to swear much in talking? It
jars a little, and you might swear at me.
HE. My angel! I didn't know what I was saying; and you changed so
quickly that I couldn't follow. I'll apologize in dust and ashes.
SHE. There'll be enough of those later on. Good night, Captain
Congleton. Going to the singing-quadrilles already? What dances am I
giving you next week? No! You must have written them down wrong. Five
and Seven, I said. If you've made a mistake, I certainly don't intend to
suffer for it. You must alter your programme.
HE. I thought you told me that you had not been going out much this
season?
SHE. Quite true, but when I do I dance with Captain Congleton. He dances
very nicely.
HE. And sit out with him, I suppose?
SHE. Yes. Have you any objection? Shall I stand under the chandelier in
future?
HE. What does he talk to you about?
SHE. What do men talk about when they sit out?
Ha. Ugh! Don't! Well now I'm up, you must dispense with the fascinating
Congleton for a while. I don't like him.
SHE. (after a pause). Do you know what you have said?
HE. 'Can't say that I do exactly. I'm not in the best of tempers.
SHE. So I see. . . and feel. My true and faithful lover, where is your
"eternal constancy," "unalterable trust," and "reverent devotion"? I
remember those phrases; you seem to have forgotten them. I mention a
man's name--
HE. A good deal more than that.
SHE. Well, speak to him about a dance--perhaps the last dance that I
shall ever dance in my life before I. . . before I go away; and you at once
distrust and insult me.
HE. I never said a word.
SHE. How much did you imply? Guy, is this amount of confidence to be our
stock to start the new life on?
HE. No, of course not. I didn't mean that. On my word of honor, I
didn't. Let it pass, dear. Please let it pass.
SHE. This once--yes--and a second time, and again and again, all through
the years when I shall be unable to resent it. You want too much, my
Lancelot, and. . . you know too much.
HE. How do you mean?
SHE. That is a part of the punishment. There cannot be perfect trust
between us.
HE. In Heaven's name, why not?
SHE. Hush! The Other Place is quite enough. Ask yourself.
HE. I don't follow.
SHE. You trust me so implicitly that when I look at another man--Never
mind, Guy. Have you ever made love to a girl--a good girl?
HE. Something of the sort. Centuries ago--in the Dark Ages, before I
ever met you, dear.
SHE. Tell me what you said to her.
HE. What does a man say to a girl? I've forgotten.
SHE. I remember. He tells her that he trusts her and worships the ground
she walks on, and that he'll love and honor and protect her till her
dying day; and so she marries in that belief. At least, I speak of one
girl who was not protected.
HE. Well, and then?
SHE. And then, Guy, and then, that girl needs ten times the love and
trust and honor--yes, honor--that was enough when she was only a mere
wife if--if--the other life she chooses to lead is to be made even
bearable. Do you understand?
HE. Even bearable! It'll he Paradise.
SHE. Ah! Can you give me all I've asked for--not now, nor a few months
later, but when you begin to think of what you might have done if you
had kept your own appointment and your caste here--when you begin to
look upon me as a drag and a burden? I shall want it most, then, Guy,
for there will be no one in the wide world but you.
HE. You're a little over-tired tonight, Sweetheart, and you're taking a
stage view of the situation. After the necessary business in the Courts,
the road is clear to--
SHE. "The holy state of matrimony! " Ha! ha! ha!
HE. Ssh!
Don't laugh in that horrible way!
SHE. I-I c-c-c-can't help it! Isn't it too absurd! Ah! Ha! ha! ha! Guy,
stop me quick or I shall--l-l-laugh till we get to the Church.
HE. For goodness' sake, stop! Don't make an exhibition of yourself. What
is the matter with you?
SHE. N-nothing. I'm better now.
HE. That's all right. One moment, dear. There's a little wisp of hair
got loose from behind your right ear and it's straggling over your
cheek. So!
SHE. Thank'oo. I'm 'fraid my hat's on one side, too.
HE. What do you wear these huge dagger bonnet-skewers for? They're big
enough to kill a man with.
SHE. Oh! Don't kill me, though. You're sticking it into my head! Let me
do it. You men are so clumsy.
HE. Have you had many opportunities of comparing us--in this sort of
work?
SHE. Guy, what is my name?
HE. Eh! I don't follow.
SHE. Here's my cardcase. Can you read?
HE. Yes. Well?
SHE. Well, that answers your question. You know the other man's name. Am
I sufficiently humbled, or would you like to ask me if there is any one
else?
HE. I see now. My darling, I never meant that for an instant. I was only
joking. There! Lucky there's no one on the road. They'd be scandalized.
SHE. They'll be more scandalized before the end.
HE. Do-on't! I don't like you to talk in that way.
SHE. Unreasonable man! Who asked me to face the situation and accept
it? Tell me, do I look like Mrs. Penner? Do I look like a naughty woman?
Swear I don't! Give me your word of honor, my honorable friend, that I'm
not like Mrs. Buzgago. That's the way she stands, with her hands clasped
at the back of her head. D'you like that?
HE. Don't be affected.
SHE. I'm not. I'm Mrs. Buzgago. Listen!
Pendant une anne' toute entiere
Le regiment n'a pas r'paru.
Au Ministere de la Guerre
On le r'porta comme perdu.
On se r'noncait a r'trouver sa trace,
Quand un matin subitement,
On le vit r'paraitre sur la place
L'Colonel toujours en avant.
That's the way she rolls her r's. Am I like her?
HE. No, but I object when you go on like an actress and sing stuff of
that kind. Where in the world did you pick up the Chanson du Colonel? It
isn't a drawing-room song. It isn't proper.
SHE. Mrs. Buzgago taught it me. She is both drawing-room and proper, and
in another month she'll shut her drawing-room to me, and thank God she
isn't as improper as I am. Oh, Guy, Guy! I wish I was like some women
and had no scruples about--what is it Keene says? --"Wearing a corpse's
hair and being false to the bread they eat. "
HE. I am only a man of limited intelligence, and just now, very
bewildered. When you have quite finished flashing through all your moods
tell me, and I'll try to understand the last one.
SHE. Moods, Guy! I haven't any. I'm sixteen years old and you're just
twenty, and you've been waiting for two hours outside the school in the
cold. And now I've met you, and now we're walking home together. Does
that suit you, My Imperial Majesty?
HE. No. We aren't children. Why can't you be rational?
SHE. He asks me that when I'm going to commit suicide for his sake, and,
and--I don't want to be French and rave about my mother, but have I ever
told you that I have a mother, and a brother who was my pet before I
married? He's married now. Can't you imagine the pleasure that the news
of the elopement will give him? Have you any people at Home, Guy, to be
pleased with your performances?
HE. One or two. One can't make omelets without breaking eggs.
SHE (slowly). I don't see the necessity--
HE. Hah! What do you mean?
SHE. Shall I speak the truth?
HE. Under the circumstances, perhaps it would be as well.
SHE. Guy, I'm afraid.
HE. I thought we'd settled all that. What of?
SHE. Of you.
HE. Oh, damn it all! The old business! This is too had!
SHE. Of you.
HE. And what now?
SHE. What do you think of me?
HE. Beside the question altogether. What do you intend to do?
SHE. I daren't risk it. I'm afraid. If I could only cheat--
HE. A la Buzgago? No, thanks. That's the one point on which I have any
notion of Honor. I won't eat his salt and steal too. I'll loot openly or
not at all.
SHE. I never meant anything else.
HE. Then, why in the world do you pretend not to be willing to come?
SHE. It's not pretence, Guy. I am afraid.
HE. Please explain.
SHE. It can't last, Guy. It can't last. You'll get angry, and then
you'll swear, and then you'll get jealous, and then you'll mistrust
me--you do now--and you yourself will be the best reason for doubting.
And I--what shall I do? I shall be no better than Mrs. Buzgago found
out--no better than any one. And you'll know that. Oh, Guy, can't you
see?
HE. I see that you are desperately unreasonable, little woman.
SHE. There! The moment I begin to object, you get angry. What will you
do when I am only your property--stolen property? It can't be, Guy. It
can't be! I thought it could, but it can't. You'll get tired of me.
HE. I tell you I shall not. Won't anything make you understand that?
SHE. There, can't you see? If you speak to me like that now, you'll call
me horrible names later, if I don't do everything as you like. And if
you were cruel to me, Guy, where should I go--where should I go? I can't
trust you. Oh! I can't trust you!
HE. I suppose I ought to say that I can trust you. I've ample reason.
SHE. Please don't, dear. It hurts as much as if you hit me.
HE. It isn't exactly pleasant for me.
