No More Learning

"Sit," he said; "the bench is long enough for two. You don't hesitate to
take a place at my side, do you? Is that wrong, Jane? "

I answered him by assuming it: to refuse would, I felt, have been unwise.

"Now, my little friend, while the sun drinks the dew--while all the
flowers in this old garden awake and expand, and the birds fetch their
young ones' breakfast out of the Thornfield, and the early bees do their
first spell of work--I'll put a case to you, which you must endeavour to
suppose your own: but first, look at me, and tell me you are at ease, and
not fearing that I err in detaining you, or that you err in staying. "

"No, sir; I am content. "

"Well then, Jane, call to aid your fancy:--suppose you were no longer a
girl well reared and disciplined, but a wild boy indulged from childhood
upwards; imagine yourself in a remote foreign land; conceive that you
there commit a capital error, no matter of what nature or from what
motives, but one whose consequences must follow you through life and
taint all your existence. Mind, I don't say a _crime_; I am not speaking
of shedding of blood or any other guilty act, which might make the
perpetrator amenable to the law: my word is _error_. The results of what
you have done become in time to you utterly insupportable; you take
measures to obtain relief: unusual measures, but neither unlawful nor
culpable. Still you are miserable; for hope has quitted you on the very
confines of life: your sun at noon darkens in an eclipse, which you feel
will not leave it till the time of setting. Bitter and base associations
have become the sole food of your memory: you wander here and there,
seeking rest in exile: happiness in pleasure--I mean in heartless,
sensual pleasure--such as dulls intellect and blights feeling.
Heart-weary and soul-withered, you come home after years of voluntary
banishment: you make a new acquaintance--how or where no matter: you find
in this stranger much of the good and bright qualities which you have
sought for twenty years, and never before encountered; and they are all
fresh, healthy, without soil and without taint. Such society revives,
regenerates: you feel better days come back--higher wishes, purer
feelings; you desire to recommence your life, and to spend what remains
to you of days in a way more worthy of an immortal being. To attain this
end, are you justified in overleaping an obstacle of custom--a mere
conventional impediment which neither your conscience sanctifies nor your
judgment approves? "

He paused for an answer: and what was I to say? Oh, for some good spirit
to suggest a judicious and satisfactory response! Vain aspiration! The
west wind whispered in the ivy round me; but no gentle Ariel borrowed its
breath as a medium of speech: the birds sang in the tree-tops; but their
song, however sweet, was inarticulate.

Again Mr. Rochester propounded his query:

"Is the wandering and sinful, but now rest-seeking and repentant, man
justified in daring the world's opinion, in order to attach to him for
ever this gentle, gracious, genial stranger, thereby securing his own
peace of mind and regeneration of life? "

"Sir," I answered, "a wanderer's repose or a sinner's reformation should
never depend on a fellow-creature. Men and women die; philosophers
falter in wisdom, and Christians in goodness: if any one you know has
suffered and erred, let him look higher than his equals for strength to
amend and solace to heal. "

"But the instrument--the instrument! God, who does the work, ordains the
instrument. I have myself--I tell it you without parable--been a
worldly, dissipated, restless man; and I believe I have found the
instrument for my cure in--"

He paused: the birds went on carolling, the leaves lightly rustling. I
almost wondered they did not check their songs and whispers to catch the
suspended revelation; but they would have had to wait many minutes--so
long was the silence protracted. At last I looked up at the tardy
speaker: he was looking eagerly at me.

"Little friend," said he, in quite a changed tone--while his face changed
too, losing all its softness and gravity, and becoming harsh and
sarcastic--"you have noticed my tender penchant for Miss Ingram: don't
you think if I married her she would regenerate me with a vengeance? "

He got up instantly, went quite to the other end of the walk, and when he
came back he was humming a tune.

"Jane, Jane," said he, stopping before me, "you are quite pale with your
vigils: don't you curse me for disturbing your rest? "

"Curse you? No, sir. "

"Shake hands in confirmation of the word. What cold fingers! They were
warmer last night when I touched them at the door of the mysterious
chamber. Jane, when will you watch with me again? "

"Whenever I can be useful, sir. "

"For instance, the night before I am married! I am sure I shall not be
able to sleep. Will you promise to sit up with me to bear me company? To
you I can talk of my lovely one: for now you have seen her and know her. "

"Yes, sir. "

"She's a rare one, is she not, Jane? "

"Yes, sir. "

"A strapper--a real strapper, Jane: big, brown, and buxom; with hair just
such as the ladies of Carthage must have had. Bless me! there's Dent and
Lynn in the stables! Go in by the shrubbery, through that wicket. "

As I went one way, he went another, and I heard him in the yard, saying
cheerfully--

"Mason got the start of you all this morning; he was gone before sunrise:
I rose at four to see him off. "




CHAPTER XXI


Presentiments are strange things! and so are sympathies; and so are
signs; and the three combined make one mystery to which humanity has not
yet found the key. I never laughed at presentiments in my life, because
I have had strange ones of my own. Sympathies, I believe, exist (for
instance, between far-distant, long-absent, wholly estranged relatives
asserting, notwithstanding their alienation, the unity of the source to
which each traces his origin) whose workings baffle mortal comprehension.
And signs, for aught we know, may be but the sympathies of Nature with
man.

When I was a little girl, only six years old, I one night heard Bessie
Leaven say to Martha Abbot that she had been dreaming about a little
child; and that to dream of children was a sure sign of trouble, either
to one's self or one's kin. The saying might have worn out of my memory,
had not a circumstance immediately followed which served indelibly to fix
it there. The next day Bessie was sent for home to the deathbed of her
little sister.

Of late I had often recalled this saying and this incident; for during
the past week scarcely a night had gone over my couch that had not
brought with it a dream of an infant, which I sometimes hushed in my
arms, sometimes dandled on my knee, sometimes watched playing with
daisies on a lawn, or again, dabbling its hands in running water. It was
a wailing child this night, and a laughing one the next: now it nestled
close to me, and now it ran from me; but whatever mood the apparition
evinced, whatever aspect it wore, it failed not for seven successive
nights to meet me the moment I entered the land of slumber.

I did not like this iteration of one idea--this strange recurrence of one
image, and I grew nervous as bedtime approached and the hour of the
vision drew near. It was from companionship with this baby-phantom I had
been roused on that moonlight night when I heard the cry; and it was on
the afternoon of the day following I was summoned downstairs by a message
that some one wanted me in Mrs. Fairfax's room. On repairing thither, I
found a man waiting for me, having the appearance of a gentleman's
servant: he was dressed in deep mourning, and the hat he held in his hand
was surrounded with a crape band.

"I daresay you hardly remember me, Miss," he said, rising as I entered;
"but my name is Leaven: I lived coachman with Mrs. Reed when you were at
Gateshead, eight or nine years since, and I live there still. "

"Oh, Robert! how do you do? I remember you very well: you used to give
me a ride sometimes on Miss Georgiana's bay pony. And how is Bessie? You
are married to Bessie? "

"Yes, Miss: my wife is very hearty, thank you; she brought me another
little one about two months since--we have three now--and both mother and
child are thriving. "

"And are the family well at the house, Robert? "

"I am sorry I can't give you better news of them, Miss: they are very
badly at present--in great trouble. "

"I hope no one is dead," I said, glancing at his black dress. He too
looked down at the crape round his hat and replied--

"Mr. John died yesterday was a week, at his chambers in London. "

"Mr. John? "

"Yes. "

"And how does his mother bear it? "

"Why, you see, Miss Eyre, it is not a common mishap: his life has been
very wild: these last three years he gave himself up to strange ways, and
his death was shocking. "

"I heard from Bessie he was not doing well. "

"Doing well! He could not do worse: he ruined his health and his estate
amongst the worst men and the worst women. He got into debt and into
jail: his mother helped him out twice, but as soon as he was free he
returned to his old companions and habits. His head was not strong: the
knaves he lived amongst fooled him beyond anything I ever heard. He came
down to Gateshead about three weeks ago and wanted missis to give up all
to him. Missis refused: her means have long been much reduced by his
extravagance; so he went back again, and the next news was that he was
dead. How he died, God knows! --they say he killed himself. "

I was silent: the things were frightful. Robert Leaven resumed--

"Missis had been out of health herself for some time: she had got very
stout, but was not strong with it; and the loss of money and fear of
poverty were quite breaking her down. The information about Mr. John's
death and the manner of it came too suddenly: it brought on a stroke. She
was three days without speaking; but last Tuesday she seemed rather
better: she appeared as if she wanted to say something, and kept making
signs to my wife and mumbling. It was only yesterday morning, however,
that Bessie understood she was pronouncing your name; and at last she
made out the words, 'Bring Jane--fetch Jane Eyre: I want to speak to
her. ' Bessie is not sure whether she is in her right mind, or means
anything by the words; but she told Miss Reed and Miss Georgiana, and
advised them to send for you. The young ladies put it off at first; but
their mother grew so restless, and said, 'Jane, Jane,' so many times,
that at last they consented. I left Gateshead yesterday: and if you can
get ready, Miss, I should like to take you back with me early to-morrow
morning. "

"Yes, Robert, I shall be ready: it seems to me that I ought to go. "

"I think so too, Miss. Bessie said she was sure you would not refuse:
but I suppose you will have to ask leave before you can get off? "

"Yes; and I will do it now;" and having directed him to the servants'
hall, and recommended him to the care of John's wife, and the attentions
of John himself, I went in search of Mr. Rochester.

He was not in any of the lower rooms; he was not in the yard, the
stables, or the grounds. I asked Mrs. Fairfax if she had seen him;--yes:
she believed he was playing billiards with Miss Ingram. To the billiard-
room I hastened: the click of balls and the hum of voices resounded
thence; Mr. Rochester, Miss Ingram, the two Misses Eshton, and their
admirers, were all busied in the game. It required some courage to
disturb so interesting a party; my errand, however, was one I could not
defer, so I approached the master where he stood at Miss Ingram's side.
She turned as I drew near, and looked at me haughtily: her eyes seemed to
demand, "What can the creeping creature want now? " and when I said, in a
low voice, "Mr. Rochester," she made a movement as if tempted to order me
away. I remember her appearance at the moment--it was very graceful and
very striking: she wore a morning robe of sky-blue crape; a gauzy azure
scarf was twisted in her hair. She had been all animation with the game,
and irritated pride did not lower the expression of her haughty
lineaments.

"Does that person want you? " she inquired of Mr. Rochester; and Mr.
Rochester turned to see who the "person" was. He made a curious
grimace--one of his strange and equivocal demonstrations--threw down his
cue and followed me from the room.

"Well, Jane? " he said, as he rested his back against the schoolroom door,
which he had shut.

"If you please, sir, I want leave of absence for a week or two. "

"What to do? --where to go? "

"To see a sick lady who has sent for me. "

"What sick lady? --where does she live? "

"At Gateshead; in ---shire. "

"-shire? That is a hundred miles off! Who may she be that sends for
people to see her that distance? "

"Her name is Reed, sir--Mrs. Reed. "

"Reed of Gateshead? There was a Reed of Gateshead, a magistrate. "

"It is his widow, sir. "

"And what have you to do with her? How do you know her? "

"Mr. Reed was my uncle--my mother's brother. "

"The deuce he was! You never told me that before: you always said you
had no relations. "

"None that would own me, sir. Mr. Reed is dead, and his wife cast me
off. "

"Why? "

"Because I was poor, and burdensome, and she disliked me. "

"But Reed left children? --you must have cousins? Sir George Lynn was
talking of a Reed of Gateshead yesterday, who, he said, was one of the
veriest rascals on town; and Ingram was mentioning a Georgiana Reed of
the same place, who was much admired for her beauty a season or two ago
in London. "

"John Reed is dead, too, sir: he ruined himself and half-ruined his
family, and is supposed to have committed suicide. The news so shocked
his mother that it brought on an apoplectic attack. "

"And what good can you do her? Nonsense, Jane! I would never think of
running a hundred miles to see an old lady who will, perhaps, be dead
before you reach her: besides, you say she cast you off. "

"Yes, sir, but that is long ago; and when her circumstances were very
different: I could not be easy to neglect her wishes now. "

"How long will you stay? "

"As short a time as possible, sir. "

"Promise me only to stay a week--"

"I had better not pass my word: I might be obliged to break it. "

"At all events you _will_ come back: you will not be induced under any
pretext to take up a permanent residence with her? "

"Oh, no! I shall certainly return if all be well. "

"And who goes with you? You don't travel a hundred miles alone. "

"No, sir, she has sent her coachman. "

"A person to be trusted? "

"Yes, sir, he has lived ten years in the family. "

Mr. Rochester meditated. "When do you wish to go? "

"Early to-morrow morning, sir. "

"Well, you must have some money; you can't travel without money, and I
daresay you have not much: I have given you no salary yet. How much have
you in the world, Jane? " he asked, smiling.

I drew out my purse; a meagre thing it was. "Five shillings, sir. " He
took the purse, poured the hoard into his palm, and chuckled over it as
if its scantiness amused him. Soon he produced his pocket-book: "Here,"
said he, offering me a note; it was fifty pounds, and he owed me but
fifteen. I told him I had no change.

"I don't want change; you know that. Take your wages. "

I declined accepting more than was my due. He scowled at first; then, as
if recollecting something, he said--

"Right, right! Better not give you all now: you would, perhaps, stay
away three months if you had fifty pounds. There are ten; is it not
plenty? "

"Yes, sir, but now you owe me five. "

"Come back for it, then; I am your banker for forty pounds. "

"Mr. Rochester, I may as well mention another matter of business to you
while I have the opportunity. "

"Matter of business? I am curious to hear it. "

"You have as good as informed me, sir, that you are going shortly to be
married? "

"Yes; what then? "

"In that case, sir, Adele ought to go to school: I am sure you will
perceive the necessity of it. "

"To get her out of my bride's way, who might otherwise walk over her
rather too emphatically? There's sense in the suggestion; not a doubt of
it. Adele, as you say, must go to school; and you, of course, must march
straight to--the devil? "

"I hope not, sir; but I must seek another situation somewhere. "

"In course!
" he exclaimed, with a twang of voice and a distortion of
features equally fantastic and ludicrous. He looked at me some minutes.

"And old Madam Reed, or the Misses, her daughters, will be solicited by
you to seek a place, I suppose? "

"No, sir; I am not on such terms with my relatives as would justify me in
asking favours of them--but I shall advertise. "

"You shall walk up the pyramids of Egypt! " he growled. "At your peril
you advertise! I wish I had only offered you a sovereign instead of ten
pounds. Give me back nine pounds, Jane; I've a use for it. "

"And so have I, sir," I returned, putting my hands and my purse behind
me. "I could not spare the money on any account. "

"Little niggard! " said he, "refusing me a pecuniary request! Give me
five pounds, Jane. "

"Not five shillings, sir; nor five pence. "

"Just let me look at the cash. "

"No, sir; you are not to be trusted. "

"Jane! "

"Sir? "

"Promise me one thing. "

"I'll promise you anything, sir, that I think I am likely to perform. "

"Not to advertise: and to trust this quest of a situation to me. I'll
find you one in time. "

"I shall be glad so to do, sir, if you, in your turn, will promise that I
and Adele shall be both safe out of the house before your bride enters
it. "

"Very well! very well! I'll pledge my word on it. You go to-morrow,
then? "

"Yes, sir; early. "

"Shall you come down to the drawing-room after dinner? "

"No, sir, I must prepare for the journey. "

"Then you and I must bid good-bye for a little while? "

"I suppose so, sir. "

"And how do people perform that ceremony of parting, Jane? Teach me; I'm
not quite up to it. "

"They say, Farewell, or any other form they prefer. "

"Then say it. "

"Farewell, Mr. Rochester, for the present. "

"What must I say? "

"The same, if you like, sir. "

"Farewell, Miss Eyre, for the present; is that all? "

"Yes? "

"It seems stingy, to my notions, and dry, and unfriendly. I should like
something else: a little addition to the rite. If one shook hands, for
instance; but no--that would not content me either. So you'll do no more
than say Farewell, Jane? "

"It is enough, sir: as much good-will may be conveyed in one hearty word
as in many. "

"Very likely; but it is blank and cool--'Farewell. '"

"How long is he going to stand with his back against that door? " I asked
myself; "I want to commence my packing. " The dinner-bell rang, and
suddenly away he bolted, without another syllable: I saw him no more
during the day, and was off before he had risen in the morning.

I reached the lodge at Gateshead about five o'clock in the afternoon of
the first of May: I stepped in there before going up to the hall. It was
very clean and neat: the ornamental windows were hung with little white
curtains; the floor was spotless; the grate and fire-irons were burnished
bright, and the fire burnt clear. Bessie sat on the hearth, nursing her
last-born, and Robert and his sister played quietly in a corner.

"Bless you! --I knew you would come! " exclaimed Mrs. Leaven, as I entered.

"Yes, Bessie," said I, after I had kissed her; "and I trust I am not too
late. How is Mrs. Reed? --Alive still, I hope. "

"Yes, she is alive; and more sensible and collected than she was. The
doctor says she may linger a week or two yet; but he hardly thinks she
will finally recover. "

"Has she mentioned me lately? "

"She was talking of you only this morning, and wishing you would come,
but she is sleeping now, or was ten minutes ago, when I was up at the
house. She generally lies in a kind of lethargy all the afternoon, and
wakes up about six or seven. Will you rest yourself here an hour, Miss,
and then I will go up with you? "

Robert here entered, and Bessie laid her sleeping child in the cradle and
went to welcome him: afterwards she insisted on my taking off my bonnet
and having some tea; for she said I looked pale and tired. I was glad to
accept her hospitality; and I submitted to be relieved of my travelling
garb just as passively as I used to let her undress me when a child.

Old times crowded fast back on me as I watched her bustling about--setting
out the tea-tray with her best china, cutting bread and butter, toasting
a tea-cake, and, between whiles, giving little Robert or Jane an
occasional tap or push, just as she used to give me in former days.
Bessie had retained her quick temper as well as her light foot and good
looks.

Tea ready, I was going to approach the table; but she desired me to sit
still, quite in her old peremptory tones. I must be served at the
fireside, she said; and she placed before me a little round stand with my
cup and a plate of toast, absolutely as she used to accommodate me with
some privately purloined dainty on a nursery chair: and I smiled and
obeyed her as in bygone days.

She wanted to know if I was happy at Thornfield Hall, and what sort of a
person the mistress was; and when I told her there was only a master,
whether he was a nice gentleman, and if I liked him. I told her he was
rather an ugly man, but quite a gentleman; and that he treated me kindly,
and I was content. Then I went on to describe to her the gay company
that had lately been staying at the house; and to these details Bessie
listened with interest: they were precisely of the kind she relished.

In such conversation an hour was soon gone: Bessie restored to me my
bonnet, &c. , and, accompanied by her, I quitted the lodge for the hall.
It was also accompanied by her that I had, nearly nine years ago, walked
down the path I was now ascending. On a dark, misty, raw morning in
January, I had left a hostile roof with a desperate and embittered
heart--a sense of outlawry and almost of reprobation--to seek the chilly
harbourage of Lowood: that bourne so far away and unexplored. The same
hostile roof now again rose before me: my prospects were doubtful yet;
and I had yet an aching heart. I still felt as a wanderer on the face of
the earth; but I experienced firmer trust in myself and my own powers,
and less withering dread of oppression. The gaping wound of my wrongs,
too, was now quite healed; and the flame of resentment extinguished.

"You shall go into the breakfast-room first," said Bessie, as she
preceded me through the hall; "the young ladies will be there. "

In another moment I was within that apartment. There was every article
of furniture looking just as it did on the morning I was first introduced
to Mr. Brocklehurst: the very rug he had stood upon still covered the
hearth. Glancing at the bookcases, I thought I could distinguish the two
volumes of Bewick's British Birds occupying their old place on the third
shelf, and Gulliver's Travels and the Arabian Nights ranged just above.
The inanimate objects were not changed; but the living things had altered
past recognition.

Two young ladies appeared before me; one very tall, almost as tall as
Miss Ingram--very thin too, with a sallow face and severe mien. There
was something ascetic in her look, which was augmented by the extreme
plainness of a straight-skirted, black, stuff dress, a starched linen
collar, hair combed away from the temples, and the nun-like ornament of a
string of ebony beads and a crucifix. This I felt sure was Eliza, though
I could trace little resemblance to her former self in that elongated and
colourless visage.

The other was as certainly Georgiana: but not the Georgiana I
remembered--the slim and fairy-like girl of eleven. This was a
full-blown, very plump damsel, fair as waxwork, with handsome and regular
features, languishing blue eyes, and ringleted yellow hair. The hue of
her dress was black too; but its fashion was so different from her
sister's--so much more flowing and becoming--it looked as stylish as the
other's looked puritanical.

In each of the sisters there was one trait of the mother--and only one;
the thin and pallid elder daughter had her parent's Cairngorm eye: the
blooming and luxuriant younger girl had her contour of jaw and
chin--perhaps a little softened, but still imparting an indescribable
hardness to the countenance otherwise so voluptuous and buxom.

Both ladies, as I advanced, rose to welcome me, and both addressed me by
the name of "Miss Eyre. " Eliza's greeting was delivered in a short,
abrupt voice, without a smile; and then she sat down again, fixed her
eyes on the fire, and seemed to forget me. Georgiana added to her "How
d'ye do? " several commonplaces about my journey, the weather, and so on,
uttered in rather a drawling tone: and accompanied by sundry side-glances
that measured me from head to foot--now traversing the folds of my drab
merino pelisse, and now lingering on the plain trimming of my cottage
bonnet. Young ladies have a remarkable way of letting you know that they
think you a "quiz" without actually saying the words. A certain
superciliousness of look, coolness of manner, nonchalance of tone,
express fully their sentiments on the point, without committing them by
any positive rudeness in word or deed.

A sneer, however, whether covert or open, had now no longer that power
over me it once possessed: as I sat between my cousins, I was surprised
to find how easy I felt under the total neglect of the one and the semi-
sarcastic attentions of the other--Eliza did not mortify, nor Georgiana
ruffle me. The fact was, I had other things to think about; within the
last few months feelings had been stirred in me so much more potent than
any they could raise--pains and pleasures so much more acute and
exquisite had been excited than any it was in their power to inflict or
bestow--that their airs gave me no concern either for good or bad.

"How is Mrs. Reed? " I asked soon, looking calmly at Georgiana, who
thought fit to bridle at the direct address, as if it were an unexpected
liberty.

"Mrs. Reed? Ah! mama, you mean; she is extremely poorly: I doubt if you
can see her to-night. "

"If," said I, "you would just step upstairs and tell her I am come, I
should be much obliged to you. "

Georgiana almost started, and she opened her blue eyes wild and wide. "I
know she had a particular wish to see me," I added, "and I would not
defer attending to her desire longer than is absolutely necessary. "

"Mama dislikes being disturbed in an evening," remarked Eliza. I soon
rose, quietly took off my bonnet and gloves, uninvited, and said I would
just step out to Bessie--who was, I dared say, in the kitchen--and ask
her to ascertain whether Mrs. Reed was disposed to receive me or not to-
night. I went, and having found Bessie and despatched her on my errand,
I proceeded to take further measures. It had heretofore been my habit
always to shrink from arrogance: received as I had been to-day, I should,
a year ago, have resolved to quit Gateshead the very next morning; now,
it was disclosed to me all at once that that would be a foolish plan. I
had taken a journey of a hundred miles to see my aunt, and I must stay
with her till she was better--or dead: as to her daughters' pride or
folly, I must put it on one side, make myself independent of it. So I
addressed the housekeeper; asked her to show me a room, told her I should
probably be a visitor here for a week or two, had my trunk conveyed to my
chamber, and followed it thither myself: I met Bessie on the landing.

"Missis is awake," said she; "I have told her you are here: come and let
us see if she will know you. "

I did not need to be guided to the well-known room, to which I had so
often been summoned for chastisement or reprimand in former days. I
hastened before Bessie; I softly opened the door: a shaded light stood on
the table, for it was now getting dark. There was the great four-post
bed with amber hangings as of old; there the toilet-table, the armchair,
and the footstool, at which I had a hundred times been sentenced to
kneel, to ask pardon for offences by me uncommitted. I looked into a
certain corner near, half-expecting to see the slim outline of a once
dreaded switch which used to lurk there, waiting to leap out imp-like and
lace my quivering palm or shrinking neck. I approached the bed; I opened
the curtains and leant over the high-piled pillows.

Well did I remember Mrs. Reed's face, and I eagerly sought the familiar
image. It is a happy thing that time quells the longings of vengeance
and hushes the promptings of rage and aversion. I had left this woman in
bitterness and hate, and I came back to her now with no other emotion
than a sort of ruth for her great sufferings, and a strong yearning to
forget and forgive all injuries--to be reconciled and clasp hands in
amity.

The well-known face was there: stern, relentless as ever--there was that
peculiar eye which nothing could melt, and the somewhat raised,
imperious, despotic eyebrow. How often had it lowered on me menace and
hate! and how the recollection of childhood's terrors and sorrows revived
as I traced its harsh line now! And yet I stooped down and kissed her:
she looked at me.

"Is this Jane Eyre? " she said.

"Yes, Aunt Reed. How are you, dear aunt? "

I had once vowed that I would never call her aunt again: I thought it no
sin to forget and break that vow now. My fingers had fastened on her
hand which lay outside the sheet: had she pressed mine kindly, I should
at that moment have experienced true pleasure. But unimpressionable
natures are not so soon softened, nor are natural antipathies so readily
eradicated. Mrs. Reed took her hand away, and, turning her face rather
from me, she remarked that the night was warm. Again she regarded me so
icily, I felt at once that her opinion of me--her feeling towards me--was
unchanged and unchangeable. I knew by her stony eye--opaque to
tenderness, indissoluble to tears--that she was resolved to consider me
bad to the last; because to believe me good would give her no generous
pleasure: only a sense of mortification.

I felt pain, and then I felt ire; and then I felt a determination to
subdue her--to be her mistress in spite both of her nature and her will.
My tears had risen, just as in childhood: I ordered them back to their
source. I brought a chair to the bed-head: I sat down and leaned over
the pillow.

"You sent for me," I said, "and I am here; and it is my intention to stay
till I see how you get on. "

"Oh, of course! You have seen my daughters? "

"Yes. "

"Well, you may tell them I wish you to stay till I can talk some things
over with you I have on my mind: to-night it is too late, and I have a
difficulty in recalling them. But there was something I wished to
say--let me see--"

The wandering look and changed utterance told what wreck had taken place
in her once vigorous frame. Turning restlessly, she drew the bedclothes
round her; my elbow, resting on a corner of the quilt, fixed it down: she
was at once irritated.

"Sit up! " said she; "don't annoy me with holding the clothes fast. Are
you Jane Eyre? "

"I am Jane Eyre. "

"I have had more trouble with that child than any one would believe. Such
a burden to be left on my hands--and so much annoyance as she caused me,
daily and hourly, with her incomprehensible disposition, and her sudden
starts of temper, and her continual, unnatural watchings of one's
movements! I declare she talked to me once like something mad, or like a
fiend--no child ever spoke or looked as she did; I was glad to get her
away from the house. What did they do with her at Lowood? The fever
broke out there, and many of the pupils died. She, however, did not die:
but I said she did--I wish she had died! "

"A strange wish, Mrs. Reed; why do you hate her so? "

"I had a dislike to her mother always; for she was my husband's only
sister, and a great favourite with him: he opposed the family's disowning
her when she made her low marriage; and when news came of her death, he
wept like a simpleton. He would send for the baby; though I entreated
him rather to put it out to nurse and pay for its maintenance. I hated
it the first time I set my eyes on it--a sickly, whining, pining thing!
It would wail in its cradle all night long--not screaming heartily like
any other child, but whimpering and moaning. Reed pitied it; and he used
to nurse it and notice it as if it had been his own: more, indeed, than
he ever noticed his own at that age. He would try to make my children
friendly to the little beggar: the darlings could not bear it, and he was
angry with them when they showed their dislike. In his last illness, he
had it brought continually to his bedside; and but an hour before he
died, he bound me by vow to keep the creature. I would as soon have been
charged with a pauper brat out of a workhouse: but he was weak, naturally
weak. John does not at all resemble his father, and I am glad of it:
John is like me and like my brothers--he is quite a Gibson. Oh, I wish
he would cease tormenting me with letters for money? I have no more
money to give him: we are getting poor. I must send away half the
servants and shut up part of the house; or let it off. I can never
submit to do that--yet how are we to get on? Two-thirds of my income
goes in paying the interest of mortgages. John gambles dreadfully, and
always loses--poor boy! He is beset by sharpers: John is sunk and
degraded--his look is frightful--I feel ashamed for him when I see him. "

She was getting much excited. "I think I had better leave her now," said
I to Bessie, who stood on the other side of the bed.

"Perhaps you had, Miss: but she often talks in this way towards night--in
the morning she is calmer. "

I rose. "Stop! " exclaimed Mrs. Reed, "there is another thing I wished to
say. He threatens me--he continually threatens me with his own death, or
mine: and I dream sometimes that I see him laid out with a great wound in
his throat, or with a swollen and blackened face. I am come to a strange
pass: I have heavy troubles. What is to be done? How is the money to be
had? "

Bessie now endeavoured to persuade her to take a sedative draught: she
succeeded with difficulty. Soon after, Mrs. Reed grew more composed, and
sank into a dozing state. I then left her.