_ Really, Sir Jolly, you are more a
philosopher
than
I thought you were.
I thought you were.
Thomas Otway
ay, ay, stark dead, he's stiff by this time.
_L. Dunce. _ Here you may see the horrid ghastly spectacle,
the sad effects of my too rigid virtue, and your too fierce
resentment--
_Sir Jol. _ Do you see there?
_Sir Dav. _ Ay, ay, I do see; would I had never seen him; would
he had lain with my wife in every house between Charing Cross
and Aldgate, so this had never happened!
_Sir Jol. _ In truth, and would he had! but we are all mortal,
neighbour, all mortal; to-day we are here, to-morrow gone; like
the shadow that vanisheth, like the grass that withereth, or
like the flower that fadeth; or indeed like anything, or rather
like nothing: but we are all mortal.
_Sir Dav. _ Heigh!
_L. Dunce. _ Down, down that trap-door, it goes into a
bathing-room; for the rest, leave it to my conduct.
[BEAUGARD _descends_.
_Sir Jol. _ 'Tis very unfortunate that you should run yourself
into this _premunire_,[53] Sir Davy.
_Sir Dav. _ Indeed, and so it is.
_Sir Jol. _ For a gentleman, a man in authority, a person in
years, one that used to go to church with his neighbours.
_Sir Dav. _ Every Sunday truly, Sir Jolly.
_Sir Jol. _ Pay scot and lot to the parish.
_Sir Dav. _ Six pounds a year to the very poor, without
abatement or deduction: 'tis very hard if so good a
commonwealth's-man should be brought to ride in a cart at last,
and be hanged in a sunshiny morning to make butchers and suburb
apprentices a holiday; I'll e'en run away.
_Sir Jol. _ Run away! why then your estate will be forfeited;
you'll lose your estate, man.
_Sir Dav. _ Truly you say right, friend; and a man had better be
half-hanged than lose his estate, you know.
_Sir Jol. _ Hanged! no, no, I think there's no great fear
of hanging neither: what, the fellow was but a sort of an
unaccountable fellow, as I heard you say.
_Sir Dav. _ Ay, ay, pox on him, he was a soldierly sort of a
vagabond; he had little or nothing but his sins to live upon:
if I could have had but patience, he would have been hanged
within these two months, and all this mischief saved.
[BEAUGARD _rises up like a ghost at the_
_trap-door, just before_ Sir DAVY.
O Lord! the devil, the devil, the devil! [_Falls upon his face. _
_Sir Jol. _ Why, Sir Davy, Sir Davy, what ails you? what's the
matter with you?
_Sir Dav. _ Let me alone, let me lie still; I will not look up
to see an angel; oh-h-h!
_L. Dunce. _ My dear, why do you do these cruel things to
affright me? Pray rise and speak to me.
_Sir Dav. _ I dare not stir; I saw the ghost again just now.
_L. Dunce. _ Ghost again! what ghost? where?
_Sir Dav. _ Why, there! there!
_Sir Jol. _ Here has been no ghost.
_Sir Dav. _ Why, did you see nothing then?
_L. Dunce. _ See nothing! no, nothing but one another.
_Sir Dav. _ Then I am enchanted, or my end is near at hand,
neighbour; for Heaven's sake, neighbour, advise me what I shall
do to be at rest.
_Sir Jol. _ Do! why, what think you if the body were removed?
_Sir Dav. _ Removed! I'd give a hundred pound the body were out
of my house; may be then the devil would not be so impudent.
_Sir Jol. _ I have discovered a door-place in the wall betwixt
my lady's chamber and one that belongs to me; if you think fit
we'll beat it down, and remove this troublesome lump of earth
to my house.
_Sir Dav. _ But will you be so kind?
_Sir Jol. _ If you think it may by any means be serviceable to
you.
_Sir Dav. _ Truly, if the body were removed, and disposed of
privately, that no more might be heard of the matter--I hope
he'll be as good as his word. [_Aside. _
_Sir Jol. _ Fear nothing, I'll warrant you; but in troth I had
utterly forgot one thing, utterly forgot it.
_Sir Dav. _ What's that?
_Sir Jol. _ Why, it will be absolutely necessary that your lady
stayed with me at my house for one day, till things were better
settled.
_Sir Dav. _ Ah, Sir Jolly! whatever you think fit; anything of
mine that you have a mind to; pray take her, pray take her, you
shall be very welcome. Hear you, my dearest, there is but one
way for us to get rid of this untoward business, and Sir Jolly
has found it out; therefore by all means go along with him, and
be ruled by him; and whatever Sir Jolly would have thee do,
e'en do it: so Heaven prosper ye, good-bye, good-bye, till I
see you again. [_Exit. _
_Sir Jol. _ This is certainly the civilest cuckold in city,
town, or country.
_Beau. _ Is he gone? [_Steps out. _
_L. Dunce. _ Yes, and has left poor me here.
_Beau. _ In troth, madam, 'tis barbarously done of him, to
commit a horrid murder on the body of an innocent poor fellow,
and then leave you to stem the danger of it.
_Sir Jol. _ Odd, an I were as thee, sweetheart, I'd be revenged
on him for it, so I would. Go, get ye together, steal out of
the house as softly as you can, I'll meet ye in the Piazza
presently; go, be sure ye steal out of the house, and don't let
Sir Davy see you. [_Exeunt. _
SCENE IV. --_Entrance Hall in_ Sir DAVY DUNCE'S _House_.
_Enter_ Sir JOLLY JUMBLE.
_Sir Jol. _ Bloody-Bones!
_Enter_ BLOODY-BONES.
_Bloody-B. _ I am here, sir.
_Sir Jol. _ Go you and Fourbin to my house presently; bid
Monsieur Fourbin remember that all things be ordered according
to my directions. Tell my maids, too, I am coming home in a
trice; bid 'em get the great chamber, and the banquet I spoke
for, ready presently. And, d'ye hear, carry the minstrels with
ye too, for I am resolved to rejoice this morning. Let me
see--Sir Davy!
_Enter_ Sir DAVY DUNCE.
_Sir Dav. _ Ay, neighbour, 'tis I; is the business done? I
cannot be satisfied till I am sure: have you removed the body?
is it gone?
_Sir Jol. _ Yes, yes, my servants conveyed it out of the house
just now. Well, Sir Davy, a good morning to you: I wish you
your health, with all my heart, Sir Davy; the first thing you
do, though, I'd have you say your prayers by all means, if you
can.
_Sir Dav. _ If I can possibly, I will.
_Sir Jol. _ Well, good-bye. [_Exit. _
_Sir Dav. _ Well, good-bye heartily, good neighbour. --Vermin,
Vermin!
_Enter_ VERMIN.
_Ver. _ Did your honour call?
_Sir Dav. _ Go run, run presently over the square, and call the
constable presently; tell him here's murder committed, and
that I must speak with him instantly. I'll e'en carry him to
my neighbour's, that he may find the dead body there, and so
let my neighbour be very fairly hanged in my stead; ha! a very
good jest, as I hope to live, ha, ha, ha! --hey, what's that?
_Watchmen. _ [_Within. _] Almost four o'clock, and a dark cloudy
morning; good-morrow, my masters all, good-morrow!
_Enter_ Constable _and_ Watch.
_Const. _ How's this, a door open! Come in, gentlemen. --Ah, Sir
Davy, your honour's humble servant; I and my watch, going my
morning-rounds, and finding your door open, made bold to enter,
to see there were no danger. Your worship will excuse our care;
a good morning to you, sir.
_Sir Dav. _ Oh, Master Constable, I'm glad you're here; I sent
my man just now to call you. I have sad news to tell you,
Master Constable.
_Const. _ I am sorry for that, sir; sad news!
_Sir Dav. _ Oh, ay, sad news, very sad news truly: here has been
murder committed.
_Const. _ Murder! if that's all, we are your humble servants,
sir, we'll bid you good-morrow: murder's nothing at this time
o' night in Covent-garden.
_Sir Dav. _ Oh, but this is a horrid, bloody murder, done under
my nose; I cannot but take notice of it; though I am sorry to
tell you the authors of it, very sorry truly.
_Const. _ Was it committed here near hand?
_Sir Dav. _ Oh, at the very next door; a sad murder indeed.
After they had done, they carried the body privately into my
neighbour Sir Jolly's house here; I am sorry to tell it you,
Master Constable, for I am afraid it will look but scurvily on
his side; though I am a justice o' peace, gentlemen, and am
bound by my oath to take notice of it; I can't help it.
_1st Watch. _ I never liked that Sir Jolly.
_Const. _ He threatened me t'other day for carrying a little,
dirty, draggle-tailed whore to Bridewell, and said she was his
cousin. Sir, if your worship thinks fit, we'll go search his
house.
_Sir Dav. _ Oh, by all means, gentlemen, it must be so; justice
must have its course; the king's liege subjects must not be
destroyed. --Vermin, carry Master Constable and his dragons into
the cellar, and make 'em drink; I'll but step into my study,
put on my face of authority, and call upon ye instantly.
_Watchmen. _ We thank your honour. [_Exeunt. _
[Illustration]
SCENE V. --_A Room in_ Sir JOLLY JUMBLE'S _House_. _A banquet set out. _
_Enter_ Sir JOLLY JUMBLE, BEAUGARD, _and_
Lady DUNCE.
_Sir Jol. _ So, are ye come? I am glad on't; odd, you're
welcome, very welcome, odd, ye are; here's a small banquet,
but I hope 'twill please you; sit ye down, sit ye down both
together; nay, both together: a pox o' him that parts ye, I say!
_Beau. _ Sir Jolly, this might be an entertainment for Antony
and Cleopatra, were they living.
_Sir Jol. _ Pish! a pox of Antony and Cleopatra, they are dead
and rotten long ago; come, come, time's but short, time's but
short, and must be made the best use of; for
Youth's a flower that soon does fade,
And life is but a span;
Man was for the woman made,
And woman made for man.
Why, now we can be bold, and make merry, and frisk and be
brisk, rejoice, and make a noise, and--odd, I am pleased,
mightily pleased, odd, I am.
_L. Dunce.
_ Really, Sir Jolly, you are more a philosopher than
I thought you were.
_Sir Jol. _ Philosopher, madam! yes, madam, I have read books
in my times; odd, Aristotle, in some things, had very pretty
notions, he was an understanding fellow. Why don't ye eat? odd,
an ye don't eat--here, child, here's some ringoes,[54] help,
help your neighbour a little; odd, they are very good, very
comfortable, very cordial.
_Beau. _ Sir Jolly, your health.
_Sir Jol. _ With all my heart, old boy.
_L. Dunce. _ Dear Sir Jolly, what are these? I never tasted of
these before.
_Sir Jol. _ That? eat it, eat it, eat it when I bid you; odd,
'tis the root satyrion,[55] a very precious plant, I gather 'em
every May myself; odd, they'll make an old fellow of sixty-five
cut a caper like a dancing-master. Give me some wine. Madam,
here's a health, here's a health, madam, here's a health to
honest Sir Davy, faith and troth, ha, ha, ha! [Dance.
_Enter_ BLOODY-BONES.
_Bloody-B. _ Sir, sir, sir! what will you do? yonder's the
constable and all his watch at the door, and threatens
demolishment, if not admitted presently.
_Sir Jol. _ Odds so! odds so! the constable and his watch!
what's to be done now? get you both into the alcove there,
get ye gone quickly, quickly; no noise, no noise, d'ye hear?
[_Exeunt_ Lady DUNCE _and_ BEAUGARD. ] The constable and his
watch! a pox on the constable and his watch! what the devil
have the constable and his watch to do here?
_Enter_ Constable, Watch, _and_ Sir DAVY DUNCE.
_Const. _ This way, this way, gentlemen; stay one of ye at the
door, and let nobody pass, do you hear? Sir Jolly, your servant.
_Sir Jol. _ What, this outrage, this disturbance committed upon
my house and family! sir, sir, sir! what do you mean by these
doings, sweet sir? ho!
_Const. _ Sir, having received information that the body of a
murdered man is concealed in your house, I am come, according
to my duty, to make search and discover the truth. --Stand to my
assistance, gentlemen.
_Sir Jol. _ A murdered man, sir?
_Sir Dav. _ Yes, a murdered man, sir. Sir Jolly, Sir Jolly, I
am sorry to see a person of your character and figure in the
parish concerned in a murder, I say.
_Sir Jol. _ Here's a dog! here's a rogue for you! here's a
villain! here's a cuckoldy son of his mother! I never knew a
cuckold in my life that was not a false rogue in his heart;
there are no honest fellows living but whore-masters. Hark you,
sir, what a pox do you mean? you had best play the fool, and
spoil all, you had; what's all this for?
_Sir Dav. _ When your worship's come to be hanged, you'll find
the meaning on't, sir. I say once more, search the house.
_Const. _ It shall be done, sir. Come along, friends.
[_Exeunt_ Constable _and_ Watch.
_Sir Jol. _ Search my house! O Lord! search my house! what will
become of me? I shall lose my reputation with man and woman,
and nobody will ever trust me again. O Lord! search my house!
all will be discovered, do what I can! I'll sing a song like a
dying swan, and try to give them warning.
Go from the window, my love, my love, my love,
Go from the window, my dear;
The wind and the rain
Have brought 'em back again,
And thou canst have no lodging here. [56]
O Lord! search my house!
_Sir Dav. _ Break down that door, I'll have that door broke
open; break down that door, I say. [_Knocking within. _
_Sir Jol. _ Very well done; break down my doors, break down my
walls, gentlemen! plunder my house! ravish my maids! Ah, cursed
be cuckolds, cuckolds, constables, and cuckolds!
_A door is opened and discovers_ BEAUGARD _and_ Lady DUNCE.
_Re-enter_ Constable _and_ Watch.
_Beau. _ Stand off! by Heaven, the first that comes here comes
upon his death.
_Sir Dav. _ Sir, your humble servant; I'm glad to see you are
alive again with all my heart. Gentlemen, here's no harm done,
gentlemen; here's nobody murdered, gentlemen; the man's alive,
again, gentlemen; but here's my wife, gentlemen, and a fine
gentleman with her, gentlemen; and Master Constable, I hope
you'll bear me witness, Master Constable.
_Sir Jol. _ That he's a cuckold, Master Constable.
[_Aside. _
_Beau. _ Hark ye, ye curs, keep off from snapping at my heels,
or I shall so feague[57] ye.
_Sir Jol. _ Get ye gone, ye dogs, ye rogues, ye night-toads of
the parish dungeon; disturb my house at these unseasonable
hours! get ye out of my doors, get ye gone, or I'll brain ye,
dogs, rogues, villains! [_Exeunt_ Constable _and_ Watch.
_Beau. _ And next for you, Sir Coxcomb, you see I am not
murdered, though you paid well for the performance; what think
you of bribing my own man to butcher me?
_Enter_ FOURBIN.
Look ye, sir, he can cut a throat upon occasion, and here's
another dresses a man's heart with oil and pepper, better than
any cook in Christendom.
_Four. _ Will your worship please to have one for your breakfast
this morning?
_Sir Dav. _ With all my heart, sweetheart, anything in the
world, faith and troth, ha, ha, ha! this is the purest sport,
ha, ha, ha!
_Re-enter_ VERMIN.
_Ver. _ Oh, sir, the most unhappy and most unfortunate news!
There has been a gentleman in Madam Sylvia's chamber all this
night, who, just as you went out of doors, carried her away,
and whither they are gone nobody knows.
_Sir Dav. _ With all my heart, I am glad on't, child, I would
not care if he had carried away my house and all, man. Unhappy
news, quoth-a! poor fool, he does not know I am a cuckold, and
that anybody may make bold with what belongs to me, ha, ha, ha!
I am so pleased, ha, ha, ha; I think I was never so pleased in
all my life before, ha, ha, ha!
_Beau. _ Nay, sir, I have a hank[58] upon you; there are laws
for cut-throats, sir; and as you tender your future credit,
take this wronged lady home, and use her handsomely, use her
like my mistress, sir, do you mark me? that when we think fit
to meet again, I hear no complaint of you; this must be done,
friend.
_Sir Jol. _ In troth, and it is but reasonable, very reasonable
in troth.
_L. Dunce. _ Can you, my dear, forgive me one misfortune?
_Sir Dav. _ Madam, in one word, I am thy ladyship's most
humble servant and cuckold, Sir Davy Dunce, knight, living in
Covent-garden; ha, ha, ha! well, this is mighty pretty, ha, ha,
ha!
_Enter_ SYLVIA, _followed by_ COURTINE.
_Sylv. _ Sir Jolly, ah, Sir Jolly, protect me or I'm ruined.
_Sir Jol. _ My little minikin, is it thy squeak?
_Beau. _ My dear Courtine, welcome.
_Sir Jol. _ Well, child, and what would that wicked fellow do to
thee, child? Ha! child, child, what would he do to thee?
_Sylv. _ Oh, sir, he has most inhumanly seduced me out of my
uncle's house, and threatens to marry me.
_Cour. _ Nay, sir, and she having no more grace before her eyes
neither, has e'en taken me at my word.
_Sir Jol. _ In troth, and that's very uncivilly done: I don't
like these marriages, I'll have no marriages in my house, and
there's an end on't.
_Sir Dav. _ And do you intend to marry my niece, friend?
_Cour. _ Yes, sir, and never ask your consent neither.
_Sir Dav. _ In troth, and that's very well said: I am glad on't
with all my heart, man, because she has five thousand pounds to
her portion, and my estate's bound to pay it. Well, this is the
happiest day, ha, ha, ha!
Here, take thy bride, like man and wife agree,
And may she prove as true--as mine to me.
Ha, ha, ha!
_Beau. _ Courtine, I wish thee joy: thou art come opportunely
to be a witness of a perfect reconcilement between me and that
worthy knight, Sir Davy Dunce; which to preserve inviolate,
you must, sir, before we part, enter into such covenants for
performance as I shall think fit.
_Sir Dav. _ No more to be said; it shall be done, sweetheart:
but don't be too hard upon me; use me gently, as thou didst my
wife; gently, ha, ha, ha! a very good jest, i' faith, ha, ha,
ha! or if he should be cruel to me, gentlemen, and take this
advantage over a poor cornuto, to lay me in a prison, or throw
me in a dungeon, at least--
I hope amongst all you, sirs, I shan't fail
To find one brother-cuckold out for bail. [_Exeunt. _
FOOTNOTES:
[48] Getting bespattered while roving about.
[49] Whipping.
[50] Truly.
[51] A strong inclination.
[52] Strong new wine.
[53] A writ in common law, penalty, difficulty.
[54] Eringoes, the holly plant, which was considered to be an
aphrodisiac.
[55] Another aphrodisiac.
[56] This ballad often occurs in the plays of Beaumont and Fletcher,
and particularly in _Monsieur Thomas_.
[57] Whip.
[58] Hold.
EPILOGUE
With the discharge of passions much oppressed,
Disturbed in brain, and pensive in his breast,
Full of those thoughts which make the unhappy sad,
And by imagination half grown mad,
The poet led abroad his mourning muse,
And let her range, to see what sport she'd choose.
Straight, like a bird got loose, and on the wing,
Pleased with her freedom she began to sing;
Each note was echoed all the vale along,
And this was what she uttered in her song:--
Wretch, write no more for an uncertain fame,
Nor call thy muse, when thou art dull, to blame:
Consider with thyself how thou'rt unfit
To make that monster of mankind, a wit:
A wit's a toad, who, swelled with silly pride,
Full of himself, scorns all the world beside;
Civil would seem, though he good manners lacks,
Smiles on all faces, rails behind all backs.
If e'er good-natured, nought to ridicule,
Good-nature melts a wit into a fool:
Placed high like some jack-pudding in a hall,
At Christmas revels, he makes sport for all.
So much in little praises he delights,
But when he's angry, draws his pen, and writes.
A wit to no man will his dues allow;
Wits will not part with a good word that's due:
So whoe'er ventures on the ragged coast
Of starving poets, certainly is lost;
They rail like porters at the penny-post.
At a new author's play see one but sit,
Making his snarling froward face of wit,
The merit he allows, and praise he grants,
Comes like a tax from a poor wretch that wants.
O poets, have a care of one another,
There's hardly one amongst ye true to t'other:
Like Trinculos and Stephanos, ye play
The lewdest tricks each other to betray. [59]
Like foes detract, yet flattering, friend-like smile,
And all is one another to beguile
Of praise, the monster of your barren isle.
Enjoy the prostitute ye so admire,
Enjoy her to the full of your desire;
Whilst this poor scribbler wishes to retire,
Where he may ne'er repeat his follies more,
But curse the fate that wrecked him on your shore.
Now you, who this day as his judges sit,
After you've heard what he has said of wit,
Ought for your own sakes not to be severe,
But show so much to think he meant none here.
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
VENICE PRESERVED;
OR,
A PLOT DISCOVERED.
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
Venice Preserved was written and acted in 1682, when the terrors of
the alleged Popish Plot had nearly subsided, and probably receives its
second title from that atrocious and equivocal scare. It is founded
on the historical novel of Saint-Réal, _Conjuration des Espagnols
contre la Venise en 1618_, though Sir Henry Wotton, who was our
ambassador to Venice at the time, calls it a French conspiracy. The
whole thing was kept as dark as possible by the Republic, and its exact
character is not easy to determine. Mr. Horatio Brown, however, by
original researches in the Venetian archives, has thrown much light
upon it in his recent charming volume of _Venetian Sketches_. Needy
French adventurers, like Pierre and Renault, appear to have inflamed
the ambition of Spanish grandees, like Osorio, Viceroy of Naples,
and Bedamar, the ambassador at Venice, to compass the ruin of the
Republic by taking advantage of gross internal corruption, the glaring
contrast between social luxury and poverty, and consequent political
discontent. But it was a rat-like hole-and-corner plot, as devoid of
civic virtue or dignity, as any Rye House plot of Otway's time, or any
American-Irish assassination club of our own.
The last time the play was performed without the omission of the comic
scenes, in which Antonio so degradingly figures, was at the special
command of George II. ; but they were condemned by the audience in
spite of royal influence. The satire upon Shaftesbury, designed in
the character of Antonio, is said to have been introduced at the
instigation of Charles II. (Derrick, _Dramatic Censor_, p. 2).
_L. Dunce. _ Here you may see the horrid ghastly spectacle,
the sad effects of my too rigid virtue, and your too fierce
resentment--
_Sir Jol. _ Do you see there?
_Sir Dav. _ Ay, ay, I do see; would I had never seen him; would
he had lain with my wife in every house between Charing Cross
and Aldgate, so this had never happened!
_Sir Jol. _ In truth, and would he had! but we are all mortal,
neighbour, all mortal; to-day we are here, to-morrow gone; like
the shadow that vanisheth, like the grass that withereth, or
like the flower that fadeth; or indeed like anything, or rather
like nothing: but we are all mortal.
_Sir Dav. _ Heigh!
_L. Dunce. _ Down, down that trap-door, it goes into a
bathing-room; for the rest, leave it to my conduct.
[BEAUGARD _descends_.
_Sir Jol. _ 'Tis very unfortunate that you should run yourself
into this _premunire_,[53] Sir Davy.
_Sir Dav. _ Indeed, and so it is.
_Sir Jol. _ For a gentleman, a man in authority, a person in
years, one that used to go to church with his neighbours.
_Sir Dav. _ Every Sunday truly, Sir Jolly.
_Sir Jol. _ Pay scot and lot to the parish.
_Sir Dav. _ Six pounds a year to the very poor, without
abatement or deduction: 'tis very hard if so good a
commonwealth's-man should be brought to ride in a cart at last,
and be hanged in a sunshiny morning to make butchers and suburb
apprentices a holiday; I'll e'en run away.
_Sir Jol. _ Run away! why then your estate will be forfeited;
you'll lose your estate, man.
_Sir Dav. _ Truly you say right, friend; and a man had better be
half-hanged than lose his estate, you know.
_Sir Jol. _ Hanged! no, no, I think there's no great fear
of hanging neither: what, the fellow was but a sort of an
unaccountable fellow, as I heard you say.
_Sir Dav. _ Ay, ay, pox on him, he was a soldierly sort of a
vagabond; he had little or nothing but his sins to live upon:
if I could have had but patience, he would have been hanged
within these two months, and all this mischief saved.
[BEAUGARD _rises up like a ghost at the_
_trap-door, just before_ Sir DAVY.
O Lord! the devil, the devil, the devil! [_Falls upon his face. _
_Sir Jol. _ Why, Sir Davy, Sir Davy, what ails you? what's the
matter with you?
_Sir Dav. _ Let me alone, let me lie still; I will not look up
to see an angel; oh-h-h!
_L. Dunce. _ My dear, why do you do these cruel things to
affright me? Pray rise and speak to me.
_Sir Dav. _ I dare not stir; I saw the ghost again just now.
_L. Dunce. _ Ghost again! what ghost? where?
_Sir Dav. _ Why, there! there!
_Sir Jol. _ Here has been no ghost.
_Sir Dav. _ Why, did you see nothing then?
_L. Dunce. _ See nothing! no, nothing but one another.
_Sir Dav. _ Then I am enchanted, or my end is near at hand,
neighbour; for Heaven's sake, neighbour, advise me what I shall
do to be at rest.
_Sir Jol. _ Do! why, what think you if the body were removed?
_Sir Dav. _ Removed! I'd give a hundred pound the body were out
of my house; may be then the devil would not be so impudent.
_Sir Jol. _ I have discovered a door-place in the wall betwixt
my lady's chamber and one that belongs to me; if you think fit
we'll beat it down, and remove this troublesome lump of earth
to my house.
_Sir Dav. _ But will you be so kind?
_Sir Jol. _ If you think it may by any means be serviceable to
you.
_Sir Dav. _ Truly, if the body were removed, and disposed of
privately, that no more might be heard of the matter--I hope
he'll be as good as his word. [_Aside. _
_Sir Jol. _ Fear nothing, I'll warrant you; but in troth I had
utterly forgot one thing, utterly forgot it.
_Sir Dav. _ What's that?
_Sir Jol. _ Why, it will be absolutely necessary that your lady
stayed with me at my house for one day, till things were better
settled.
_Sir Dav. _ Ah, Sir Jolly! whatever you think fit; anything of
mine that you have a mind to; pray take her, pray take her, you
shall be very welcome. Hear you, my dearest, there is but one
way for us to get rid of this untoward business, and Sir Jolly
has found it out; therefore by all means go along with him, and
be ruled by him; and whatever Sir Jolly would have thee do,
e'en do it: so Heaven prosper ye, good-bye, good-bye, till I
see you again. [_Exit. _
_Sir Jol. _ This is certainly the civilest cuckold in city,
town, or country.
_Beau. _ Is he gone? [_Steps out. _
_L. Dunce. _ Yes, and has left poor me here.
_Beau. _ In troth, madam, 'tis barbarously done of him, to
commit a horrid murder on the body of an innocent poor fellow,
and then leave you to stem the danger of it.
_Sir Jol. _ Odd, an I were as thee, sweetheart, I'd be revenged
on him for it, so I would. Go, get ye together, steal out of
the house as softly as you can, I'll meet ye in the Piazza
presently; go, be sure ye steal out of the house, and don't let
Sir Davy see you. [_Exeunt. _
SCENE IV. --_Entrance Hall in_ Sir DAVY DUNCE'S _House_.
_Enter_ Sir JOLLY JUMBLE.
_Sir Jol. _ Bloody-Bones!
_Enter_ BLOODY-BONES.
_Bloody-B. _ I am here, sir.
_Sir Jol. _ Go you and Fourbin to my house presently; bid
Monsieur Fourbin remember that all things be ordered according
to my directions. Tell my maids, too, I am coming home in a
trice; bid 'em get the great chamber, and the banquet I spoke
for, ready presently. And, d'ye hear, carry the minstrels with
ye too, for I am resolved to rejoice this morning. Let me
see--Sir Davy!
_Enter_ Sir DAVY DUNCE.
_Sir Dav. _ Ay, neighbour, 'tis I; is the business done? I
cannot be satisfied till I am sure: have you removed the body?
is it gone?
_Sir Jol. _ Yes, yes, my servants conveyed it out of the house
just now. Well, Sir Davy, a good morning to you: I wish you
your health, with all my heart, Sir Davy; the first thing you
do, though, I'd have you say your prayers by all means, if you
can.
_Sir Dav. _ If I can possibly, I will.
_Sir Jol. _ Well, good-bye. [_Exit. _
_Sir Dav. _ Well, good-bye heartily, good neighbour. --Vermin,
Vermin!
_Enter_ VERMIN.
_Ver. _ Did your honour call?
_Sir Dav. _ Go run, run presently over the square, and call the
constable presently; tell him here's murder committed, and
that I must speak with him instantly. I'll e'en carry him to
my neighbour's, that he may find the dead body there, and so
let my neighbour be very fairly hanged in my stead; ha! a very
good jest, as I hope to live, ha, ha, ha! --hey, what's that?
_Watchmen. _ [_Within. _] Almost four o'clock, and a dark cloudy
morning; good-morrow, my masters all, good-morrow!
_Enter_ Constable _and_ Watch.
_Const. _ How's this, a door open! Come in, gentlemen. --Ah, Sir
Davy, your honour's humble servant; I and my watch, going my
morning-rounds, and finding your door open, made bold to enter,
to see there were no danger. Your worship will excuse our care;
a good morning to you, sir.
_Sir Dav. _ Oh, Master Constable, I'm glad you're here; I sent
my man just now to call you. I have sad news to tell you,
Master Constable.
_Const. _ I am sorry for that, sir; sad news!
_Sir Dav. _ Oh, ay, sad news, very sad news truly: here has been
murder committed.
_Const. _ Murder! if that's all, we are your humble servants,
sir, we'll bid you good-morrow: murder's nothing at this time
o' night in Covent-garden.
_Sir Dav. _ Oh, but this is a horrid, bloody murder, done under
my nose; I cannot but take notice of it; though I am sorry to
tell you the authors of it, very sorry truly.
_Const. _ Was it committed here near hand?
_Sir Dav. _ Oh, at the very next door; a sad murder indeed.
After they had done, they carried the body privately into my
neighbour Sir Jolly's house here; I am sorry to tell it you,
Master Constable, for I am afraid it will look but scurvily on
his side; though I am a justice o' peace, gentlemen, and am
bound by my oath to take notice of it; I can't help it.
_1st Watch. _ I never liked that Sir Jolly.
_Const. _ He threatened me t'other day for carrying a little,
dirty, draggle-tailed whore to Bridewell, and said she was his
cousin. Sir, if your worship thinks fit, we'll go search his
house.
_Sir Dav. _ Oh, by all means, gentlemen, it must be so; justice
must have its course; the king's liege subjects must not be
destroyed. --Vermin, carry Master Constable and his dragons into
the cellar, and make 'em drink; I'll but step into my study,
put on my face of authority, and call upon ye instantly.
_Watchmen. _ We thank your honour. [_Exeunt. _
[Illustration]
SCENE V. --_A Room in_ Sir JOLLY JUMBLE'S _House_. _A banquet set out. _
_Enter_ Sir JOLLY JUMBLE, BEAUGARD, _and_
Lady DUNCE.
_Sir Jol. _ So, are ye come? I am glad on't; odd, you're
welcome, very welcome, odd, ye are; here's a small banquet,
but I hope 'twill please you; sit ye down, sit ye down both
together; nay, both together: a pox o' him that parts ye, I say!
_Beau. _ Sir Jolly, this might be an entertainment for Antony
and Cleopatra, were they living.
_Sir Jol. _ Pish! a pox of Antony and Cleopatra, they are dead
and rotten long ago; come, come, time's but short, time's but
short, and must be made the best use of; for
Youth's a flower that soon does fade,
And life is but a span;
Man was for the woman made,
And woman made for man.
Why, now we can be bold, and make merry, and frisk and be
brisk, rejoice, and make a noise, and--odd, I am pleased,
mightily pleased, odd, I am.
_L. Dunce.
_ Really, Sir Jolly, you are more a philosopher than
I thought you were.
_Sir Jol. _ Philosopher, madam! yes, madam, I have read books
in my times; odd, Aristotle, in some things, had very pretty
notions, he was an understanding fellow. Why don't ye eat? odd,
an ye don't eat--here, child, here's some ringoes,[54] help,
help your neighbour a little; odd, they are very good, very
comfortable, very cordial.
_Beau. _ Sir Jolly, your health.
_Sir Jol. _ With all my heart, old boy.
_L. Dunce. _ Dear Sir Jolly, what are these? I never tasted of
these before.
_Sir Jol. _ That? eat it, eat it, eat it when I bid you; odd,
'tis the root satyrion,[55] a very precious plant, I gather 'em
every May myself; odd, they'll make an old fellow of sixty-five
cut a caper like a dancing-master. Give me some wine. Madam,
here's a health, here's a health, madam, here's a health to
honest Sir Davy, faith and troth, ha, ha, ha! [Dance.
_Enter_ BLOODY-BONES.
_Bloody-B. _ Sir, sir, sir! what will you do? yonder's the
constable and all his watch at the door, and threatens
demolishment, if not admitted presently.
_Sir Jol. _ Odds so! odds so! the constable and his watch!
what's to be done now? get you both into the alcove there,
get ye gone quickly, quickly; no noise, no noise, d'ye hear?
[_Exeunt_ Lady DUNCE _and_ BEAUGARD. ] The constable and his
watch! a pox on the constable and his watch! what the devil
have the constable and his watch to do here?
_Enter_ Constable, Watch, _and_ Sir DAVY DUNCE.
_Const. _ This way, this way, gentlemen; stay one of ye at the
door, and let nobody pass, do you hear? Sir Jolly, your servant.
_Sir Jol. _ What, this outrage, this disturbance committed upon
my house and family! sir, sir, sir! what do you mean by these
doings, sweet sir? ho!
_Const. _ Sir, having received information that the body of a
murdered man is concealed in your house, I am come, according
to my duty, to make search and discover the truth. --Stand to my
assistance, gentlemen.
_Sir Jol. _ A murdered man, sir?
_Sir Dav. _ Yes, a murdered man, sir. Sir Jolly, Sir Jolly, I
am sorry to see a person of your character and figure in the
parish concerned in a murder, I say.
_Sir Jol. _ Here's a dog! here's a rogue for you! here's a
villain! here's a cuckoldy son of his mother! I never knew a
cuckold in my life that was not a false rogue in his heart;
there are no honest fellows living but whore-masters. Hark you,
sir, what a pox do you mean? you had best play the fool, and
spoil all, you had; what's all this for?
_Sir Dav. _ When your worship's come to be hanged, you'll find
the meaning on't, sir. I say once more, search the house.
_Const. _ It shall be done, sir. Come along, friends.
[_Exeunt_ Constable _and_ Watch.
_Sir Jol. _ Search my house! O Lord! search my house! what will
become of me? I shall lose my reputation with man and woman,
and nobody will ever trust me again. O Lord! search my house!
all will be discovered, do what I can! I'll sing a song like a
dying swan, and try to give them warning.
Go from the window, my love, my love, my love,
Go from the window, my dear;
The wind and the rain
Have brought 'em back again,
And thou canst have no lodging here. [56]
O Lord! search my house!
_Sir Dav. _ Break down that door, I'll have that door broke
open; break down that door, I say. [_Knocking within. _
_Sir Jol. _ Very well done; break down my doors, break down my
walls, gentlemen! plunder my house! ravish my maids! Ah, cursed
be cuckolds, cuckolds, constables, and cuckolds!
_A door is opened and discovers_ BEAUGARD _and_ Lady DUNCE.
_Re-enter_ Constable _and_ Watch.
_Beau. _ Stand off! by Heaven, the first that comes here comes
upon his death.
_Sir Dav. _ Sir, your humble servant; I'm glad to see you are
alive again with all my heart. Gentlemen, here's no harm done,
gentlemen; here's nobody murdered, gentlemen; the man's alive,
again, gentlemen; but here's my wife, gentlemen, and a fine
gentleman with her, gentlemen; and Master Constable, I hope
you'll bear me witness, Master Constable.
_Sir Jol. _ That he's a cuckold, Master Constable.
[_Aside. _
_Beau. _ Hark ye, ye curs, keep off from snapping at my heels,
or I shall so feague[57] ye.
_Sir Jol. _ Get ye gone, ye dogs, ye rogues, ye night-toads of
the parish dungeon; disturb my house at these unseasonable
hours! get ye out of my doors, get ye gone, or I'll brain ye,
dogs, rogues, villains! [_Exeunt_ Constable _and_ Watch.
_Beau. _ And next for you, Sir Coxcomb, you see I am not
murdered, though you paid well for the performance; what think
you of bribing my own man to butcher me?
_Enter_ FOURBIN.
Look ye, sir, he can cut a throat upon occasion, and here's
another dresses a man's heart with oil and pepper, better than
any cook in Christendom.
_Four. _ Will your worship please to have one for your breakfast
this morning?
_Sir Dav. _ With all my heart, sweetheart, anything in the
world, faith and troth, ha, ha, ha! this is the purest sport,
ha, ha, ha!
_Re-enter_ VERMIN.
_Ver. _ Oh, sir, the most unhappy and most unfortunate news!
There has been a gentleman in Madam Sylvia's chamber all this
night, who, just as you went out of doors, carried her away,
and whither they are gone nobody knows.
_Sir Dav. _ With all my heart, I am glad on't, child, I would
not care if he had carried away my house and all, man. Unhappy
news, quoth-a! poor fool, he does not know I am a cuckold, and
that anybody may make bold with what belongs to me, ha, ha, ha!
I am so pleased, ha, ha, ha; I think I was never so pleased in
all my life before, ha, ha, ha!
_Beau. _ Nay, sir, I have a hank[58] upon you; there are laws
for cut-throats, sir; and as you tender your future credit,
take this wronged lady home, and use her handsomely, use her
like my mistress, sir, do you mark me? that when we think fit
to meet again, I hear no complaint of you; this must be done,
friend.
_Sir Jol. _ In troth, and it is but reasonable, very reasonable
in troth.
_L. Dunce. _ Can you, my dear, forgive me one misfortune?
_Sir Dav. _ Madam, in one word, I am thy ladyship's most
humble servant and cuckold, Sir Davy Dunce, knight, living in
Covent-garden; ha, ha, ha! well, this is mighty pretty, ha, ha,
ha!
_Enter_ SYLVIA, _followed by_ COURTINE.
_Sylv. _ Sir Jolly, ah, Sir Jolly, protect me or I'm ruined.
_Sir Jol. _ My little minikin, is it thy squeak?
_Beau. _ My dear Courtine, welcome.
_Sir Jol. _ Well, child, and what would that wicked fellow do to
thee, child? Ha! child, child, what would he do to thee?
_Sylv. _ Oh, sir, he has most inhumanly seduced me out of my
uncle's house, and threatens to marry me.
_Cour. _ Nay, sir, and she having no more grace before her eyes
neither, has e'en taken me at my word.
_Sir Jol. _ In troth, and that's very uncivilly done: I don't
like these marriages, I'll have no marriages in my house, and
there's an end on't.
_Sir Dav. _ And do you intend to marry my niece, friend?
_Cour. _ Yes, sir, and never ask your consent neither.
_Sir Dav. _ In troth, and that's very well said: I am glad on't
with all my heart, man, because she has five thousand pounds to
her portion, and my estate's bound to pay it. Well, this is the
happiest day, ha, ha, ha!
Here, take thy bride, like man and wife agree,
And may she prove as true--as mine to me.
Ha, ha, ha!
_Beau. _ Courtine, I wish thee joy: thou art come opportunely
to be a witness of a perfect reconcilement between me and that
worthy knight, Sir Davy Dunce; which to preserve inviolate,
you must, sir, before we part, enter into such covenants for
performance as I shall think fit.
_Sir Dav. _ No more to be said; it shall be done, sweetheart:
but don't be too hard upon me; use me gently, as thou didst my
wife; gently, ha, ha, ha! a very good jest, i' faith, ha, ha,
ha! or if he should be cruel to me, gentlemen, and take this
advantage over a poor cornuto, to lay me in a prison, or throw
me in a dungeon, at least--
I hope amongst all you, sirs, I shan't fail
To find one brother-cuckold out for bail. [_Exeunt. _
FOOTNOTES:
[48] Getting bespattered while roving about.
[49] Whipping.
[50] Truly.
[51] A strong inclination.
[52] Strong new wine.
[53] A writ in common law, penalty, difficulty.
[54] Eringoes, the holly plant, which was considered to be an
aphrodisiac.
[55] Another aphrodisiac.
[56] This ballad often occurs in the plays of Beaumont and Fletcher,
and particularly in _Monsieur Thomas_.
[57] Whip.
[58] Hold.
EPILOGUE
With the discharge of passions much oppressed,
Disturbed in brain, and pensive in his breast,
Full of those thoughts which make the unhappy sad,
And by imagination half grown mad,
The poet led abroad his mourning muse,
And let her range, to see what sport she'd choose.
Straight, like a bird got loose, and on the wing,
Pleased with her freedom she began to sing;
Each note was echoed all the vale along,
And this was what she uttered in her song:--
Wretch, write no more for an uncertain fame,
Nor call thy muse, when thou art dull, to blame:
Consider with thyself how thou'rt unfit
To make that monster of mankind, a wit:
A wit's a toad, who, swelled with silly pride,
Full of himself, scorns all the world beside;
Civil would seem, though he good manners lacks,
Smiles on all faces, rails behind all backs.
If e'er good-natured, nought to ridicule,
Good-nature melts a wit into a fool:
Placed high like some jack-pudding in a hall,
At Christmas revels, he makes sport for all.
So much in little praises he delights,
But when he's angry, draws his pen, and writes.
A wit to no man will his dues allow;
Wits will not part with a good word that's due:
So whoe'er ventures on the ragged coast
Of starving poets, certainly is lost;
They rail like porters at the penny-post.
At a new author's play see one but sit,
Making his snarling froward face of wit,
The merit he allows, and praise he grants,
Comes like a tax from a poor wretch that wants.
O poets, have a care of one another,
There's hardly one amongst ye true to t'other:
Like Trinculos and Stephanos, ye play
The lewdest tricks each other to betray. [59]
Like foes detract, yet flattering, friend-like smile,
And all is one another to beguile
Of praise, the monster of your barren isle.
Enjoy the prostitute ye so admire,
Enjoy her to the full of your desire;
Whilst this poor scribbler wishes to retire,
Where he may ne'er repeat his follies more,
But curse the fate that wrecked him on your shore.
Now you, who this day as his judges sit,
After you've heard what he has said of wit,
Ought for your own sakes not to be severe,
But show so much to think he meant none here.
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
VENICE PRESERVED;
OR,
A PLOT DISCOVERED.
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
Venice Preserved was written and acted in 1682, when the terrors of
the alleged Popish Plot had nearly subsided, and probably receives its
second title from that atrocious and equivocal scare. It is founded
on the historical novel of Saint-Réal, _Conjuration des Espagnols
contre la Venise en 1618_, though Sir Henry Wotton, who was our
ambassador to Venice at the time, calls it a French conspiracy. The
whole thing was kept as dark as possible by the Republic, and its exact
character is not easy to determine. Mr. Horatio Brown, however, by
original researches in the Venetian archives, has thrown much light
upon it in his recent charming volume of _Venetian Sketches_. Needy
French adventurers, like Pierre and Renault, appear to have inflamed
the ambition of Spanish grandees, like Osorio, Viceroy of Naples,
and Bedamar, the ambassador at Venice, to compass the ruin of the
Republic by taking advantage of gross internal corruption, the glaring
contrast between social luxury and poverty, and consequent political
discontent. But it was a rat-like hole-and-corner plot, as devoid of
civic virtue or dignity, as any Rye House plot of Otway's time, or any
American-Irish assassination club of our own.
The last time the play was performed without the omission of the comic
scenes, in which Antonio so degradingly figures, was at the special
command of George II. ; but they were condemned by the audience in
spite of royal influence. The satire upon Shaftesbury, designed in
the character of Antonio, is said to have been introduced at the
instigation of Charles II. (Derrick, _Dramatic Censor_, p. 2).
