No More Learning

_O'Con_. Upon my word, doctor, you are right; the London ladies
were always too handsome for me; then they are so defended, such a
circumvallation of hoop, with a breastwork of whale-bone that would
turn a pistol-bullet, much less Cupid's arrows,--then turret on turret
on top, with stores of concealed weapons, under pretence of black
pins,--and above all, a standard of feathers that would do honour to a
knight of the Bath. Upon my conscience, I could as soon embrace an
Amazon, armed at all points.

_Rosy_. Right, right, my Alexander! my taste to a tittle.

_O'Con_. Then, doctor, though I admire modesty in women, I like
to see their faces. I am for the changeable rose; but with one of
these quality Amazons, if their midnight dissipations had left them
blood enough to raise a blush, they have not room enough in their
cheeks to show it. To be sure, bashfulness is a very pretty thing;
but, in my mind, there is nothing on earth so impudent as an
everlasting blush.

_Rosy_. My taste, my taste! --Well, Lauretta is none of these. Ah!
I never see her but she put me in mind of my poor dear wife.

_O'Con_. [_Aside_. ] Ay, faith; in my opinion she can't do a
worse thing. Now he is going to bother me about an old hag that has
been dead these six years.

_Rosy_. Oh, poor Dolly! I never shall see her like again; such an
arm for a bandage--veins that seemed to invite the lancet. Then her
skin, smoothe and white as a gallipot; her mouth as large and not
larger than the mouth of a penny phial; her lips conserve of roses;
and then her teeth--none of your sturdy fixtures--ache as they would,
it was but a small pull, and out they came. I believe I have drawn
half a score of her poor dear pearls--[_weeps_]--But what avails
her beauty? Death has no consideration--one must die as well as
another.

_O'Con_. [_Aside_. ] Oh, if he begins to moralize---[_Takes
out his snuff-box_. ]

_Rosy_. Fair and ugly, crooked or straight, rich or poor--flesh
is grass--flowers fade!

_O'Con_. Here, doctor, take a pinch, and keep up your spirits.

_Rosy_. True, true, my friend; grief can't mend the matter--all's
for the best; but such a woman was a great loss, lieutenant.

_O'Con_. To be sure, for doubtless she had mental accomplishments
equal to her beauty.

_Rosy_. Mental accomplishments! she would have stuffed an
alligator, or pickled a lizard, with any apothecary's wife in the
kingdom. Why, she could decipher a prescription, and invent the
ingredients, almost as well as myself: then she was such a hand at
making foreign waters! --for Seltzer, Pyrmont, Islington, or
Chalybeate, she never had her equal; and her Bath and Bristol springs
exceeded the originals. --Ah, poor Dolly! she fell a martyr to her own
discoveries.

_O'Con_. How so, pray?

_Rosy_. Poor soul! her illness was occasioned by her zeal in
trying an improvement on the Spa-water by an infusion of rum and acid.

_O'Con_. Ay, ay, spirits never agree with water-drinkers.

_Rosy_. No, no, you mistake. Rum agreed with her well enough; it
was not the rum that killed the poor dear creature, for she died of a
dropsy. Well, she is gone, never to return, and has left no pledge of
our loves behind. No little babe, to hang like a label round papa's
neck. Well, well, we are all mortal--sooner or later--flesh is grass--
flowers fade.

_O'Con_. [_Aside_. ] Oh, the devil! --again!

_Rosy_. Life's a shadow--the world a stage--we strut an hour.

_O'Con_. Here, doctor. [_Offers snuff_. ]

_Rosy_. True, true, my friend: well, high grief can't cure it.
All's for the best, hey! my little Alexander?

_O'Con_. Right, right; an apothecary should never be out of
spirits. But come, faith, 'tis time honest Humphrey should wait on the
justice; that must be our first scheme.

_Rosy_. True, true; you should be ready: the clothes are at my
house, and I have given you such a character, that he is impatient to
have you: he swears you shall be his body-guard. Well, I honour the
army, or I should never do so much to serve you.

_O'Con_. Indeed I am bound to you for ever, doctor; and when once
I'm possessed of my dear Lauretta, I will endeavour to make work for
you as fast as possible.

_Rosy_. Now you put me in mind of my poor wife again.

_O'Con_. Ah, pray forget her a little: we shall be too late.

_Rosy_. Poor Dolly!

_O'Con_. 'Tis past twelve.

_Rosy_. Inhuman dropsy!

_O'Con_. The justice will wait.

_Rosy_. Cropped in her prime!

_O'Con_. For heaven's sake, come!

_Rosy_. Well, flesh is grass.

_O'Con_. O, the devil!

_Rosy_. We must all die--

_O'Con_. Doctor!

_Rosy_. Kings, lords, and common whores--


[_Exeunt_ LIEUTENANT O'CONNOR _forcing_ Rosy _off_. ]




SCENE II. --_A Room in_ JUSTICE CREDULOUS' _House_.

_Enter_ LAURETTA _and_ MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.


_Lau_. I repeat it again, mamma, officers are the prettiest men
in the world, and Lieutenant O'Connor is the prettiest officer I ever
saw.

_Mrs. Bri_. For shame, Laura! how can you talk so? --or if you
must have a military man, there's Lieutenant Plow, or Captain Haycock,
or Major Dray, the brewer, are all your admirers; and though they are
peaceable, good kind of men, they have as large cockades, and become
scarlet, as well as the fighting folks.

_Lau_. Psha! you know, mamma, I hate militia officers; a set of
dunghill cocks with spurs on--heroes scratched off a church door--
clowns in military masquerade, wearing the dress without supporting
the character. No, give me the bold upright youth, who makes love to-
day, and his head shot off to-morrow. Dear! to think how the sweet
fellows sleep on the ground, and fight in silk stockings and lace
ruffles.

_Mrs. Bri_. Oh, barbarous! to want a husband that may wed you to-
day, and be sent the Lord knows where before night; then in a
twelvemonth perhaps to have him come like a Colossus, with one leg at
New York, and the other at Chelsea Hospital.

_Lau_. Then I'll be his crutch, mamma.

_Mrs. Bri_. No, give me a husband that knows where his limbs are,
though he want the use of them:--and if he should take you with him,
to sleep in a baggage-cart, and stroll about the camp like a gipsy,
with a knapsack and two children at your back; then, by way of
entertainment in the evening, to make a party with the serjeant's wife
to drink bohea tea, and play at all-fours on a drum-head:--'tis a
precious life, to be sure!

_Lau_. Nay, mamma, you shouldn't be against my lieutenant, for I
heard him say you were the best natured and best looking woman in the
world.

_Mrs. Bri_. Why, child, I never said but that Lieutenant O'Connor
was a very well-bred and discerning young man; 'tis your papa is so
violent against him.

_Lau_. Why, Cousin Sophy married an officer.

_Mrs. Bri_. Ay, Laura, an officer of the militia.

_Lau_. No, indeed, ma'am, a marching regiment.

_Mrs. Bri_. No, child, I tell you he was a major of militia.

_Lau_. Indeed, mamma, it wasn't.


_Enter_ JUSTICE CREDULOUS.

_Just_. Bridget, my love, I have had a message.

_Lau_. It was cousin Sophy told me so.

_Just_. I have had a message, love--

_Mrs. Bri_. No, child, she would say no such thing.

_Just_. A message, I say.

_Lau_. How could he be in the militia when he was ordered abroad?

_Mrs. Bri_. Ay, girl, hold your tongue! --Well, my dear.

_Just_. I have had a message from Doctor Rosy.

_Mrs. Bri_. He ordered abroad! He went abroad for his health.

_Just_. Why, Bridget! --

_Mrs. Bri_. Well, deary. --Now hold your tongue, miss.

_Jus_. A message from Dr. Rosy, and Dr. Rosy says--

_Lau_. I'm sure, mamma, his regimentals--

_Just_. Damn his regimentals! --Why don't you listen?

_Mrs. Bri_. Ay, girl, how durst you interrupt your papa?

_Lau_. Well, papa.

_Just_. Dr. Rosy says he'll bring--

_Lau_. Were blue turned up with red, mamma.

_Just_. Laury! --says he will bring the young man--

_Mrs. Bri_. Red! yellow, if you please, miss.

_Just_. Bridget! --the young man that is to be hired--

_Mrs. Bri_.
Besides, miss, it is very unbecoming in you to want
to have the last word with your mamma; you should know--

_Just_. Why, zounds! will you hear me or no?

_Mrs. Bri_. I am listening, my love, I am listening! --But what
signifies my silence, what good is my not speaking a word, if this
girl will interrupt and let nobody speak but herself? --Ay, I don't
wonder, my life, at your impatience; your poor dear lips quiver to
speak; but I suppose she'll run on, and not let you put in a word. --
You may very well be angry; there is nothing, sure, so provoking as a
chattering, talking--

_Lau_. Nay, I'm sure, mamma, it is you will not let papa speak
now.

_Mrs. Bri_. Why, you little provoking minx----

_Just_. Get out of the room directly, both of you--get out!

_Mrs. Bri_. Ay, go, girl.

_Just_. Go, Bridget, you are worse than she, you old hag. I wish
you were both up to the neck in the canal, to argue there till I took
you out.


_Enter_ SERVANT.

_Ser_. Doctor Rosy, sir

_Just_. Show him up. [_Exit_ SERVANT. ]

_Lau_. Then you own, mamma, it was a marching regiment?

_Mrs. Bri_. You're an obstinate fool, I tell you; for if that had
been the case----

_Just_. You won't go?

_Mrs. Bri_. We are going, Mr. Surly. --If that had been the case,
I say, how could----

_Lau_. Nay, mamma, one proof----

_Mrs. Bri_. How could Major----

_Lau_. And a full proof----

[JUSTICE CREDULOUS _drives them off_. ]

_Just_. There they go, ding dong in for the day. Good lack! a
fluent tongue is the only thing a mother don't like her daughter to
resemble her in.


_Enter_ DOCTOR ROSY.

Well, doctor, where's the lad--where's Trusty?

_Rosy_. At hand; he'll be here in a minute, I'll answer for't.
He's such a one as you an't met with,--brave as a lion, gentle as a
saline draught.

_Just_. Ah, he comes in the place of a rogue, a dog that was
corrupted by the lieutenant. But this is a sturdy fellow, is he,
doctor?

_Rosy_. As Hercules; and the best back-sword in the country.
Egad, he'll make the red coats keep their distance.

_Just. _ O the villains; this is St. Patrick's day, and the rascals
have been parading my house all the morning. I know they have a design
upon me; but I have taken all precautions: I have magazines of arms,
and if this fellow does but prove faithful, I shall be more at ease.

_Rosy_. Doubtless he'll be a comfort to you.


_Re-enter_ SERVANT.

_Ser_. There is a man below, inquires for Doctor Rosy.

_Rosy_. Show him up.

_Just_. Hold! a little caution--how does he look?

_Ser_. A country-looking fellow, your worship.

_Just_. Oh, well, well, for Doctor Rosy; these rascals try all
ways to get in here.

_Ser_. Yes, please your worship; there was one here this morning
wanted to speak to you; he said his name was Corporal Breakbones.

_Just_. Corporal Breakbones!

_Ser_. And Drummer Crackskull came again.

_Just_. Ay, did you ever hear of such a damned confounded crew?
Well, show the lad in here! [_Exit_ SERVANT. ]

_Rosy_. Ay, he'll be your porter; he'll give the rogues an
answer.


_Enter_ LIEUTENANT O'CONNOR, _disguised_.

_Just_. So, a tall--Efacks! what! has lost an eye?

_Rosy_. Only a bruise he got in taking seven or eight highwaymen.

_Just_. He has a damned wicked leer somehow with the other.

_Rosy_. Oh, no, he's bashful--a sheepish look----

_Just_. Well, my lad, what's your name?

_O'Con_. Humphrey Hum.

_Just_. Hum--I don't like Hum!

_O'Con_. But I be mostly called honest Humphrey----

_Rosy_. There, I told you so, of noted honesty.

_Just_. Well, honest Humphrey, the doctor has told you my terms,
and you are willing to serve, hey?

_O'Con_. And please your worship I shall be well content.

_Just_. Well, then, hark'ye, honest Humphrey,--you are sure now,
you will never be a rogue--never take a bribe hey, honest Humphrey?

_O'Con_. A bribe! what's that?

_Just. _ A very ignorant fellow indeed!

_Rosy_. His worship hopes you will not part with your honesty for
money.

_O'Con_. Noa, noa.

_Just_. Well said, Humphrey--my chief business with you is to
watch the motions of a rake-helly fellow here, one Lieutenant
O'Connor.

_Rosy_. Ay, you don't value the soldiers, do you, Humphrey?

_O'Con_. Not I; they are but zwaggerers, and you'll see they'll
be as much afraid of me as they would of their captain.

_Just_. And i'faith, Humphrey, you have a pretty cudgel there!

_O'Con_. Ay, the zwitch is better than nothing, but I should be
glad of a stouter: ha' you got such a thing in the house as an old
coach-pole, or a spare bed-post?

_Just_. Oons, what a dragon it is! --Well, Humphrey, come with
me. --I'll just show him to Bridget, doctor, and we'll agree. --Come
along, honest Humphrey. [_Exit_. ]

_O'Con_. My dear doctor, now remember to bring the justice
presently to the walk: I have a scheme to get into his confidence at
once.

_Rosy_. I will, I will. [_They shake hands_. ]


_Re-enter_ JUSTICE CREDULOUS.

_Just_. Why, honest Humphrey, hey! what the devil are you at?

_Rosy_. I was just giving him a little advice. --Well I must go
for the present. --Good-morning to your worship--you need not fear the
lieutenant while he is in your house.

_Just_. Well, get in, Humphrey. Good-morning to you, doctor. --
[_Exit_ DOCTOR ROSY. ] Come along, Humphrey. --Now I think I am a
match for the lieutenant and all his gang. [_Exeunt_. ]




ACT II.

SCENE I. --_A Street_.

_Enter_ SERJEANT TROUNCE, DRUMMER _and_ SOLDIERS.


_Trounce_. Come, silence your drum--there is no valour stirring
to-day. I thought St. Patrick would have given us a recruit or two to-
day.

_Sol_. Mark, serjeant!


_Enter two_ COUNTRYMEN.

_Trounce_. Oh! these are the lads I was looking for; they have
the look of gentlemen. --An't you single, my lads?

1 _Coun_. Yes, an please you, I be quite single: my relations be
all dead, thank heavens, more or less. I have but one poor mother left
in the world, and she's an helpless woman.

_Trounce_. Indeed! a very extraordinary case--quite your own
master then--the fitter to serve his Majesty. --Can you read?

1 _Coun_. Noa, I was always too lively to take to learning; but
John here is main clever at it.

_Trounce_. So, what you're a scholar, friend?

2 _Coun_. I was born so, measter. Feyther kept grammar-school.

_Trounce_. Lucky man--in a campaign or two put yourself down
chaplain to the regiment. And I warrant you have read of warriors and
heroes?

2 _Coun_. Yes, that I have: I have read of Jack the Giant Killer,
and the Dragon of Wantly, and the--Noa, I believe that's all in the
hero way, except once about a comet.

_Trounce_. Wonderful knowledge! --Well, my heroes, I'll write word
to the king of your good intentions, and meet me half an hour hence at
the Two Magpies.

_Coun_. We will, your honour, we will.

_Trounce_. But stay; for fear I shouldn't see you again in the
crowd, clap these little bits of ribbon into your hats.

1 _Coun_. Our hats are none of the best.

_Trounce_. Well, meet me at the Magpies, and I'll give you money
to buy new ones.

_Coun_.