And assuming a certain
lifetime
a lifl'time.
Samuel Beckett
So he is.
So that faint uneasiness lost.
That faint hope.
To one with so few occasions to feel.
So inapt to feel.
Asking nothing better in so far as he can ask any- thing than to feel nothing.
Is it desirable?
No.
Would he gain thereby in companionabilit:-?
No.
Then let him not be named H.
Let him be again as he was.
The hearer.
Unnamable.
You.
Imagine closer the place where he lies. Within rea
"on. To it,,; form and dillll'n"ion,,; a ('hl(' i,,; ~iY('n 1)\ tIll' Y()ice afar. ]{('(·('din<l afar or th<Te \Iith aln'll}lt ,,;altation
t'"
or re"llming there aft<T pau"e. From ahoY(' ami from
that for the mOllll:nt. Adding onh, \Vhat kind of L.
imagination is this so rpason-ridden? A kind of it" o\ln.
\notlwr devitiing it all for compam. In the "ame dark as his creature or in another. Quick ill1a~ine. TIll' same.
Might not the voice be improved? Made m01'(' com
panionable. Sa: changing nO\l' for some time past
though no tense in the dark in that dim mind. \11 at
L
once over and in train and to come. But for the other
say for some time past some improYement. Same flat
tone as initial! : imagined and same repetitiousn('ss.
Na improving those. But less mobilit\,. Less varid: of
faintness. As if seeking optimum position. From "hich
to discharge with greatest effect. The ideal amplitude
for effortless audition. Neither offending the ear \I'ith
all ,,;ide,,; amI 1('Y('I:-: \lith ('(iual n'lllot('lW";,, al it,,; 111O"t n'llwte. :\t no til11e from helow. So far. SWl(fe"till(f one
t""'t"' . l '
I: ing on tIw flo01' of a ll<'mi,,;plH'rical chamlwr of ~l~n-
<TOUS dianH'ter \I'ith ear dead ('entre. HO\l (T('nerous?
"
GiY('n faintness of yoice at its least faint ,,;onw sixl\
flTt tihould suffice or thirl\ from ear to an\ gi\('n
point of ('ncolllpassing surface. So much for form and
dimensions. And composition? \\'hat and wh<Te clue
to that if an\ an\"\vhere. Rpspryp for till:' moment.
Basalt is tempting. Black basalt. But reserve for the
moment. So he imagines to himself as yoice and hearer
}Jall. But furtlwr imagination shows him to have imag.
LL
ined ill. For "ith what right affirm of a faint sound that
L
it is a less faint made fainter by farness and not a true faint near at hand? Or of a faint fading to fainter that it recedes and not in situ decreases. If with none then no light from the voice on the place where our old hearer lips. In immeasurable dark. Contourless. Leave it at
26
27
loudness nor through converse ('xcpss constraining it LLL
to strain. How far more companionable such an organ than it initiall:' in haste imagined. How far more like! : to achieve its object. To have the hearer have a past and
acknowledw' il. You \\(°re born on an Ea::iter Frida, after long: labour. Ye::i I rCllll'lllJWr. TJl<' ::iUI1 had not
long: sunk J)(,hind t\1<' ]arcJw,. ,. Y(,,. , 1 n'U1<'I11])(,r. ;\,. ,
to erode the drop lllU,. ,t strike lm\lu\Trll1g. lpou tlw plae(' J)('neath.
The last time \OU \n'nt out the SI1O\\ la\ on the
g:round. You nO\l~ on your back in the dark stand that
morning on the sill haYing pulled the door g:entl: to
IJt'hind )au. You lean hack against the door \lith
ture afrolic with lambs in spring and strewn with red
placentae. You take the course you always take which
is a beeline for the gap or ragged point in the quick
set that forms the western fringe. Thither from )~our
entering the pasture you need normally from eig:hteen
hundred to two thousand paces depending on lour
humour and the state of the ground. But on this last
morning many more will be reciuired. Man) Illam
more. The beeline is so familiar to \our feet that if
necessary the) could keep to it and you sightless \lith
error on arrival of not more than a few fed north or
south. And indeed without am such tl<'cessit\ unless
from within this is what they normalh do and not onh
here. For you advance if not with closed e\es though
. . .
this as often as not at least \I~ith them fixed on the mo mentan ground lwfore \'our feet. That is all of nature
. . .
you ha\'e seen. Siuee finalh~ YOU I)()\\ed \our head. The fleeting ground befon~ . \our fed. From time to timt'. You do not count :~oursteps am more. For the ::iimple reason the\' number each da\ the same. Ayerage day
bO\led head making read\ to sd out. D\ tIl(' time \OU
L. ••
open:our t':('S your ft'et haw disappeared and the
skirts of your greatcoat come to rest on the surface of
the ::inow. Tllt' dark scene seems lit from bclo\L You
see :~oursdfat that last outset leaning against thf~ door
with closed e)es waiting for the word from :ou to go.
To be gone. Then the snowlit scene. You lie in the dark
with closed ews and see yourself there as described
. .
making ready to strike out and awa)~across the expanse of light. You hear again the click of the door pulled gently to and the silence before the steps can start. Next thing you an~ on )'our way across the white pas
being ahm\s the same. You keep count of the cia)s and ewn tenth da\ multi
28
29
])(',~[
in da\ out the same. The
. . '---.
\I~a\~
pl}-. And add. Your father's shade is not with :ou an} more. It fell out long ago. You do not hear your foot
~~.
falls an:- more. Unhearing unseeing :ou go }our wa:. Dav after day. The same way. As if there were no other any more. For you there is no other any more. You used never to halt e"\:cept to make :-our reckoning. So as to plod on from nought ant'w. This need removed as we have seen there is none in theory to halt any more. Save perhaps a moment at the outermost point. To gatlwr yourself together for the rt'turn. And vet
not at the time. The dark cope of sky. The dazzling land. You at a standstill in the midst. The quarter boots sunk to the tops. The skirts of the greatcoat resting on the snow. In the old bowed head in the old block hat speechless misgiving. Halfwa: across the pasture on : our beeline to the gap. The unerring feet fast. You look behind \-OU as \-OU could not then and
see their trail. A great swerve. Withershins. Almost as if all at once the heart too heav\. In the end too heav\.
Bloom of adulthood. Imagine a whiff of that. On
~
your back in the dark \OU remember. Ah vou \OU re member. Cloudless May da\-. She joins you in the little
.
summerhouse. A rustic hexahedron. Entireh of logs.
• <
Both larch and fir. Si"\: feet across. Eight from floor to
~
verte"\:. Area twent:-four square feet to furthest deci mal. Two small multicoloured lights vis-a. -vis. Small stained diamond panes. Under each a ledge. There on summer Sundays after his midday meal \our father loved to retreat with Plinch and a cushion. The waist of his trousers unbuttoned he sat on the one ledge
turning the pages. You on the other with \ our feet L <
L.
\OU do. As never before. Not for tiredness. You are no
L.
more tired now than yOU always were. Not because of
age. You are no older now than :-ou alwa:-s were. And
\ et \ou halt as never before. So that the same hundred
yards you used to cover in a matter of three to four
minutes may now take \-OU anything from fifteen to
<
twent:. The foot falls unbidden in midstep or ne"\:t for
lift cleaves to the ground bringing the bod\ to a stand. LLL.
Then a speechlessness whereof the gist, Can they go on? Or better, Shall they go on? The barest gist. Stilled
•~L
\\-hen finalh as alwa\s hitherto the\ do. You lie in the dark with closed eyes and see the scene. As YOU could
. ,
. ')0
31
dangling. When he chuckled :-ou tried to chuckle too. When his chuckle died \-ours too. That YOU should try to imitate his chuckle pleased and tickled him greatl: and sometimes he ,\-ould chuckle for no other reason than to hear YOU tn- to chuckle too. Sometimes \-Oll turn : our head and look out through a rose-red pane. You press :-our little nose against the pane and all with out is roS\. The years have flown and there at the same place as tllf'n VOll sit in the bloom of adulthooJ bathed in rainbow light gazing before \ou. She is late. You close :our e:es and tn- to calculattc the volunw. Simple
sums :ou find a help in times of trouble. A haven. You
arrive in the end at seven cubic \ards approximately.
Even still in the timeless dark YOU finJ figures a com oL
fort. You assume a certain heart rate and rpckon how man: thumps a da:. A week. A month. A : ear.
And assuming a certain lifetime a lifl'time. Till the last thump. But for the moment with hardly more than seventy American billion behind \OU you sit in the little sumnlerhouse ,\-orking out the volume. Seven cubic :ards approximateh. This strikes :ou for some reason as improbable and \OU set about your sum
. 32
U lH '\\. But \ ou havl' nol madl' nlllCh ]1l'all\\a\ \\hen ]1l'r ]i(Thl "tl'll i" heart! ' Lighl for a \UlllWn of l1l'r "ize. YOlL
~L
Opl'll \\ith l[llickening pUbl' \ our 1'\ I'" and a lIlOll1l'1l1 ]all']" thaI ,,1'(' Ill" an ('\ITnit\ her faIT appl'ar" at the \\ill JO\\. Mainh blue in thi" po"ition tIll' natural pallor \ ou " 0 adlllin' a" intll'et] frolll it uo dou])t \\ holh blul' : our 0\\11. For natura] pallor i" a propert\ \ ou ha\(' in
cOlllmon. The \-iolel lips do ]lot r('\urn \our "lIlile.
Now thi" \\indo\\ lwing flush with \ our 1 '\ 1'" froln
\\l[(-'re \ ou ::;it and thl' floor a" Ill'ar a::; no matter \\ith
the outpr ground \011 cannot hut \umdn if "he ha" not ,0
sunk to llt'r knpes. Knc)\\-ing from l>xperil'Jl('(' that t1[('
height or length \au have in common is t]](' SUlll of
t>qua] sFgmenb. For when holt upright or h ing at full . . . L ,l
stretch \oU c]ea\"e face to face then \ our knees Ilwcl and \our pulw" and thc hair::; of your heads lIlinglt>. Dol'S it foIl0\\- from this that the loss of height for tIll' h()(h that sits is tllt' same as for it that knpels? :\t thi::;
point assuming height of spat adjustable as in the case
of certain piano stools vou closp VOllr ews the better o00
with mt'ntalmeasure to measurp and compan' tIll' fir"t and St'COlH] st'gment::; nanlt'h from soll~ to klwepad
"', J,)
and thence to pelvic girdle. Hm\- given :ou were both
moving and at rest to the closed e:e in :-our ,,-aking
hours! B: da: and b:- night. To that perfect dark. That
shadowless light. Simpl: to be gone. Or for affair as
now. A single leg appt>ars. Seen from above. You sepa
rate the segments and lay them side bv side. It is as \"ou l,. . . • • •
half surmised. The upper is tlw longer awl the sittn',. ;
loss the greater when seat at kne(> len'l. You kaye the
pieces l:ing there and open :our e:es to find her sittinf! :
before :-ou. All dead still. The rub: lips do not return
vour smile. Your gaze descends to the breasts. You do
•L
not remember them so big. To the abdomen. Same impression. Dissolve to :-our father's straining against the unbuttoned waistband. Can it be she is with child without :our having asked for as much as her hand? You go back into your mind. She too did vou but
•
all ceases. Till feeling the need for compan: again he tells himself to call the hearer M at least. For readier reference. Himself some other character. W. Devisinu
tc it all himself included for compan:. In the same dark
as M when last heard of. In ,,"hat posture and ,,"hether
fixed or mobile left open. He sa:s further to himself
referring to himself, When last he referred to himself
it was to sa\ he was in the same dark as his creature.
Nat in another as once seemed possible. The saml. '.
As more companionable. And that his posture there
remained to be devised. And to be decided whether
fast or mobile. Which of all imaginable postures least
liable to pall? Which of motion or of rest the more
entertaining in the long run? And in the same breath
L Lo
too soon to sa\ and wh\" after all not say \\-ithout fur
ther ado what can later be unsaid and what if it could
not? What then? Could he no\\ if he chose move out
of the dark he chose when last heard of and away from
his creature into another? Should he no,," decide to lie
and come later to regret it could he then rise to his
feet for example and lean against a ,,-all or pace to and
fro? Could M be reimagined in an eas\ chair? With
Lo •
L.
know it has closed her eYeS. So you sit face to face in the little summer-house. With eyes closed and vour hands on :-our pubes. In that rainbow light. That dead still.
Wearied by such stretch of imagining he ceases and
LoL
34
35
hands free to go Lo hiOi aOiOiiOitance'? There in the same dark as his creature J1(' lealTs himself to these> perpl(',, iti('s \\~hile Imllderill~ as enT\ nOI\~ ami tllen he won del's in the hack of his mind if the I\~oes of the world arc all the\ used to 1)('. In his dm.
1\1 so far as follO\\s. On hiOi lJack in a dark place form and dimensions \('t Lo lw deYis('cl. Hearing on and oIf
. ~
a \~oice of \\~hich uncertain \\lwtl1('r addressed to him or to another sharing his situation. There being noth
e~
ing to sho\\ \\hen it ckscrilws corr(>cth his ::;ituation
~
that the description i,. ; noL for the hendit of another in
the same ,. ;ituation. \ague distre::;,. ; at the vague thought
of his perhaps ov(~rhearinga conlid(~nce wlwn he hear::;
for ('"ample, You arc on \ our back in the dark. Doubts
gradually dashed as voice from questing far and wide
closes in upon him. When it ceases no other sound
than his breath. When it ceases long enough vague
~~
hope it ma: have said it::; last. Mental activity of a low order. Rare flickers of reasoning of no avail. Hope and despair and suchlike bard:' felt. How current situation arrived at unclear. No that th(~n to compare to this
now. Onl)~ eyelids move. When for relief from outer
and innerUark they close and open respectivel:. Other
small local movements eventually within moderation
not to be despaired of. But no improvement In means
of such achieved so far. Or on a higher plane h\ such
addition to company as a movement of sustained
sorrow or desire or remorse or curio::;ity or anger and
~
so on. Or by some succes::;ful act of intellection as wen~ he to think to him::;elf rcf'erring to himself, Since he cannot think he will give up tr:~ing. Is there an: thing to add to this esquis::;e? Hi::; unnamabilit:. Even M must go. So \V reminds himself of his creature as so far created. \V? But W too is cn~ature. Figment.
Yet another then. Of whom nothing. Devising ficr- G Lt"'
ments to temper his nothingness. Quick leave him. Pause and again in panic to himself, Quick leave him.
Deyised deviser deYising it all for compan:. In the same fiumcnt dark as his fi! ! n1ents. In \vhat posture and
b~
if or not as hearer in his for crood not \ et deYised. Is
~.
not one immovahle enough'? Wll\ duplicate this par
. 36
3-;"
ticular solace? Then let him move. Within reason. On all fours. A moderate crawl torso well clear of the ground e: es front alert. If this no better than nothing cancel. If possible. And in the void regained another motion. Or none. Leaving only the most helpful pos ture to be devised. But to be going on with let him
Co Co
crawl. Crawl and fall. Crawl again and fall again. In the same figment dark as his other figments.
From ranging far and wide as if in quest the voice Co L
comes to rest and constant faintness. To rest ,,~here? Imagine warih.
L.
Above the upturned face. Falling tangent to the
crown. So that in the faint light it sheds 'were there a
mouth to be seen he would not see it. Roll as he might
his en~s. H(~ight from tlw ground? . LL
Arm's length. Force? Low. A mother's stoop'ins; Co C
over cradle from behind. She moyes aside to let the father look. In his turn he murmurs to the newllOrn. Flat tone LUlchanged. :\0 trace of Ion:.
You are on your back at the foot of an aspen. In its trembling shade. She at right angles propped on her elbows head between her hands. Your c: es opened and closed have looked in hers looking in Yours. In your
;)8
39
dark yOU look in them again. Still. You feel on your face Co •
the fringe of her long black hair stirring in the still air. Co Co L
Within the tent of hair your faces are hidden from view. She murmurs, Listen to the leaves. En's in each other's eyes \~ou listen to the leaves. In their trembling shade.
Crawling and falling then. Cralding again and falling
G . . . . .
L- L- ""
again. If this finall:~no improvement on nothing he can ahmys fall for good. Or have never risen to his knees. Contrive how such crawl unlike the voice ma\~ sene to chart the area. However roughlY. First what is the unit
Co •
of crawl? Corresponding to the footstep of erect loco
motion. He rises to all fours and makes rC"a(h~ to set
out. Hands and knees anglC"s of an oblong two foot
long width irrelevant. FinallY say left knee moves for- L. .
,,-ard six inches thus half hah-ing llistance between it and homologous hand. Which then in dne cour:-;(' in
L.
•
its turn moves forward bv as much. Oblong now rhom . L
boid. But for no longer than it takes right knee and hand to follow suit. Oblong restored. So on till he drops. Of all modes of crawl this the repent amble possibl:' the least commOll. And so possibly of all the
most divertinCT.
b
So as he crawls the mute count. Grain by (Tram m
. b
the mind. One t,,'o three four one. Knee hand kll<'('
hand two. One foot. Till say aftn five he falls. TIIt'n
sooner or later on from nought anelV'. One two three
four one. Knee hand knee hallll two. Si".
Imagine closer the place where he lies. Within rea
"on. To it,,; form and dillll'n"ion,,; a ('hl(' i,,; ~iY('n 1)\ tIll' Y()ice afar. ]{('(·('din<l afar or th<Te \Iith aln'll}lt ,,;altation
t'"
or re"llming there aft<T pau"e. From ahoY(' ami from
that for the mOllll:nt. Adding onh, \Vhat kind of L.
imagination is this so rpason-ridden? A kind of it" o\ln.
\notlwr devitiing it all for compam. In the "ame dark as his creature or in another. Quick ill1a~ine. TIll' same.
Might not the voice be improved? Made m01'(' com
panionable. Sa: changing nO\l' for some time past
though no tense in the dark in that dim mind. \11 at
L
once over and in train and to come. But for the other
say for some time past some improYement. Same flat
tone as initial! : imagined and same repetitiousn('ss.
Na improving those. But less mobilit\,. Less varid: of
faintness. As if seeking optimum position. From "hich
to discharge with greatest effect. The ideal amplitude
for effortless audition. Neither offending the ear \I'ith
all ,,;ide,,; amI 1('Y('I:-: \lith ('(iual n'lllot('lW";,, al it,,; 111O"t n'llwte. :\t no til11e from helow. So far. SWl(fe"till(f one
t""'t"' . l '
I: ing on tIw flo01' of a ll<'mi,,;plH'rical chamlwr of ~l~n-
<TOUS dianH'ter \I'ith ear dead ('entre. HO\l (T('nerous?
"
GiY('n faintness of yoice at its least faint ,,;onw sixl\
flTt tihould suffice or thirl\ from ear to an\ gi\('n
point of ('ncolllpassing surface. So much for form and
dimensions. And composition? \\'hat and wh<Te clue
to that if an\ an\"\vhere. Rpspryp for till:' moment.
Basalt is tempting. Black basalt. But reserve for the
moment. So he imagines to himself as yoice and hearer
}Jall. But furtlwr imagination shows him to have imag.
LL
ined ill. For "ith what right affirm of a faint sound that
L
it is a less faint made fainter by farness and not a true faint near at hand? Or of a faint fading to fainter that it recedes and not in situ decreases. If with none then no light from the voice on the place where our old hearer lips. In immeasurable dark. Contourless. Leave it at
26
27
loudness nor through converse ('xcpss constraining it LLL
to strain. How far more companionable such an organ than it initiall:' in haste imagined. How far more like! : to achieve its object. To have the hearer have a past and
acknowledw' il. You \\(°re born on an Ea::iter Frida, after long: labour. Ye::i I rCllll'lllJWr. TJl<' ::iUI1 had not
long: sunk J)(,hind t\1<' ]arcJw,. ,. Y(,,. , 1 n'U1<'I11])(,r. ;\,. ,
to erode the drop lllU,. ,t strike lm\lu\Trll1g. lpou tlw plae(' J)('neath.
The last time \OU \n'nt out the SI1O\\ la\ on the
g:round. You nO\l~ on your back in the dark stand that
morning on the sill haYing pulled the door g:entl: to
IJt'hind )au. You lean hack against the door \lith
ture afrolic with lambs in spring and strewn with red
placentae. You take the course you always take which
is a beeline for the gap or ragged point in the quick
set that forms the western fringe. Thither from )~our
entering the pasture you need normally from eig:hteen
hundred to two thousand paces depending on lour
humour and the state of the ground. But on this last
morning many more will be reciuired. Man) Illam
more. The beeline is so familiar to \our feet that if
necessary the) could keep to it and you sightless \lith
error on arrival of not more than a few fed north or
south. And indeed without am such tl<'cessit\ unless
from within this is what they normalh do and not onh
here. For you advance if not with closed e\es though
. . .
this as often as not at least \I~ith them fixed on the mo mentan ground lwfore \'our feet. That is all of nature
. . .
you ha\'e seen. Siuee finalh~ YOU I)()\\ed \our head. The fleeting ground befon~ . \our fed. From time to timt'. You do not count :~oursteps am more. For the ::iimple reason the\' number each da\ the same. Ayerage day
bO\led head making read\ to sd out. D\ tIl(' time \OU
L. ••
open:our t':('S your ft'et haw disappeared and the
skirts of your greatcoat come to rest on the surface of
the ::inow. Tllt' dark scene seems lit from bclo\L You
see :~oursdfat that last outset leaning against thf~ door
with closed e)es waiting for the word from :ou to go.
To be gone. Then the snowlit scene. You lie in the dark
with closed ews and see yourself there as described
. .
making ready to strike out and awa)~across the expanse of light. You hear again the click of the door pulled gently to and the silence before the steps can start. Next thing you an~ on )'our way across the white pas
being ahm\s the same. You keep count of the cia)s and ewn tenth da\ multi
28
29
])(',~[
in da\ out the same. The
. . '---.
\I~a\~
pl}-. And add. Your father's shade is not with :ou an} more. It fell out long ago. You do not hear your foot
~~.
falls an:- more. Unhearing unseeing :ou go }our wa:. Dav after day. The same way. As if there were no other any more. For you there is no other any more. You used never to halt e"\:cept to make :-our reckoning. So as to plod on from nought ant'w. This need removed as we have seen there is none in theory to halt any more. Save perhaps a moment at the outermost point. To gatlwr yourself together for the rt'turn. And vet
not at the time. The dark cope of sky. The dazzling land. You at a standstill in the midst. The quarter boots sunk to the tops. The skirts of the greatcoat resting on the snow. In the old bowed head in the old block hat speechless misgiving. Halfwa: across the pasture on : our beeline to the gap. The unerring feet fast. You look behind \-OU as \-OU could not then and
see their trail. A great swerve. Withershins. Almost as if all at once the heart too heav\. In the end too heav\.
Bloom of adulthood. Imagine a whiff of that. On
~
your back in the dark \OU remember. Ah vou \OU re member. Cloudless May da\-. She joins you in the little
.
summerhouse. A rustic hexahedron. Entireh of logs.
• <
Both larch and fir. Si"\: feet across. Eight from floor to
~
verte"\:. Area twent:-four square feet to furthest deci mal. Two small multicoloured lights vis-a. -vis. Small stained diamond panes. Under each a ledge. There on summer Sundays after his midday meal \our father loved to retreat with Plinch and a cushion. The waist of his trousers unbuttoned he sat on the one ledge
turning the pages. You on the other with \ our feet L <
L.
\OU do. As never before. Not for tiredness. You are no
L.
more tired now than yOU always were. Not because of
age. You are no older now than :-ou alwa:-s were. And
\ et \ou halt as never before. So that the same hundred
yards you used to cover in a matter of three to four
minutes may now take \-OU anything from fifteen to
<
twent:. The foot falls unbidden in midstep or ne"\:t for
lift cleaves to the ground bringing the bod\ to a stand. LLL.
Then a speechlessness whereof the gist, Can they go on? Or better, Shall they go on? The barest gist. Stilled
•~L
\\-hen finalh as alwa\s hitherto the\ do. You lie in the dark with closed eyes and see the scene. As YOU could
. ,
. ')0
31
dangling. When he chuckled :-ou tried to chuckle too. When his chuckle died \-ours too. That YOU should try to imitate his chuckle pleased and tickled him greatl: and sometimes he ,\-ould chuckle for no other reason than to hear YOU tn- to chuckle too. Sometimes \-Oll turn : our head and look out through a rose-red pane. You press :-our little nose against the pane and all with out is roS\. The years have flown and there at the same place as tllf'n VOll sit in the bloom of adulthooJ bathed in rainbow light gazing before \ou. She is late. You close :our e:es and tn- to calculattc the volunw. Simple
sums :ou find a help in times of trouble. A haven. You
arrive in the end at seven cubic \ards approximately.
Even still in the timeless dark YOU finJ figures a com oL
fort. You assume a certain heart rate and rpckon how man: thumps a da:. A week. A month. A : ear.
And assuming a certain lifetime a lifl'time. Till the last thump. But for the moment with hardly more than seventy American billion behind \OU you sit in the little sumnlerhouse ,\-orking out the volume. Seven cubic :ards approximateh. This strikes :ou for some reason as improbable and \OU set about your sum
. 32
U lH '\\. But \ ou havl' nol madl' nlllCh ]1l'all\\a\ \\hen ]1l'r ]i(Thl "tl'll i" heart! ' Lighl for a \UlllWn of l1l'r "ize. YOlL
~L
Opl'll \\ith l[llickening pUbl' \ our 1'\ I'" and a lIlOll1l'1l1 ]all']" thaI ,,1'(' Ill" an ('\ITnit\ her faIT appl'ar" at the \\ill JO\\. Mainh blue in thi" po"ition tIll' natural pallor \ ou " 0 adlllin' a" intll'et] frolll it uo dou])t \\ holh blul' : our 0\\11. For natura] pallor i" a propert\ \ ou ha\(' in
cOlllmon. The \-iolel lips do ]lot r('\urn \our "lIlile.
Now thi" \\indo\\ lwing flush with \ our 1 '\ 1'" froln
\\l[(-'re \ ou ::;it and thl' floor a" Ill'ar a::; no matter \\ith
the outpr ground \011 cannot hut \umdn if "he ha" not ,0
sunk to llt'r knpes. Knc)\\-ing from l>xperil'Jl('(' that t1[('
height or length \au have in common is t]](' SUlll of
t>qua] sFgmenb. For when holt upright or h ing at full . . . L ,l
stretch \oU c]ea\"e face to face then \ our knees Ilwcl and \our pulw" and thc hair::; of your heads lIlinglt>. Dol'S it foIl0\\- from this that the loss of height for tIll' h()(h that sits is tllt' same as for it that knpels? :\t thi::;
point assuming height of spat adjustable as in the case
of certain piano stools vou closp VOllr ews the better o00
with mt'ntalmeasure to measurp and compan' tIll' fir"t and St'COlH] st'gment::; nanlt'h from soll~ to klwepad
"', J,)
and thence to pelvic girdle. Hm\- given :ou were both
moving and at rest to the closed e:e in :-our ,,-aking
hours! B: da: and b:- night. To that perfect dark. That
shadowless light. Simpl: to be gone. Or for affair as
now. A single leg appt>ars. Seen from above. You sepa
rate the segments and lay them side bv side. It is as \"ou l,. . . • • •
half surmised. The upper is tlw longer awl the sittn',. ;
loss the greater when seat at kne(> len'l. You kaye the
pieces l:ing there and open :our e:es to find her sittinf! :
before :-ou. All dead still. The rub: lips do not return
vour smile. Your gaze descends to the breasts. You do
•L
not remember them so big. To the abdomen. Same impression. Dissolve to :-our father's straining against the unbuttoned waistband. Can it be she is with child without :our having asked for as much as her hand? You go back into your mind. She too did vou but
•
all ceases. Till feeling the need for compan: again he tells himself to call the hearer M at least. For readier reference. Himself some other character. W. Devisinu
tc it all himself included for compan:. In the same dark
as M when last heard of. In ,,"hat posture and ,,"hether
fixed or mobile left open. He sa:s further to himself
referring to himself, When last he referred to himself
it was to sa\ he was in the same dark as his creature.
Nat in another as once seemed possible. The saml. '.
As more companionable. And that his posture there
remained to be devised. And to be decided whether
fast or mobile. Which of all imaginable postures least
liable to pall? Which of motion or of rest the more
entertaining in the long run? And in the same breath
L Lo
too soon to sa\ and wh\" after all not say \\-ithout fur
ther ado what can later be unsaid and what if it could
not? What then? Could he no\\ if he chose move out
of the dark he chose when last heard of and away from
his creature into another? Should he no,," decide to lie
and come later to regret it could he then rise to his
feet for example and lean against a ,,-all or pace to and
fro? Could M be reimagined in an eas\ chair? With
Lo •
L.
know it has closed her eYeS. So you sit face to face in the little summer-house. With eyes closed and vour hands on :-our pubes. In that rainbow light. That dead still.
Wearied by such stretch of imagining he ceases and
LoL
34
35
hands free to go Lo hiOi aOiOiiOitance'? There in the same dark as his creature J1(' lealTs himself to these> perpl(',, iti('s \\~hile Imllderill~ as enT\ nOI\~ ami tllen he won del's in the hack of his mind if the I\~oes of the world arc all the\ used to 1)('. In his dm.
1\1 so far as follO\\s. On hiOi lJack in a dark place form and dimensions \('t Lo lw deYis('cl. Hearing on and oIf
. ~
a \~oice of \\~hich uncertain \\lwtl1('r addressed to him or to another sharing his situation. There being noth
e~
ing to sho\\ \\hen it ckscrilws corr(>cth his ::;ituation
~
that the description i,. ; noL for the hendit of another in
the same ,. ;ituation. \ague distre::;,. ; at the vague thought
of his perhaps ov(~rhearinga conlid(~nce wlwn he hear::;
for ('"ample, You arc on \ our back in the dark. Doubts
gradually dashed as voice from questing far and wide
closes in upon him. When it ceases no other sound
than his breath. When it ceases long enough vague
~~
hope it ma: have said it::; last. Mental activity of a low order. Rare flickers of reasoning of no avail. Hope and despair and suchlike bard:' felt. How current situation arrived at unclear. No that th(~n to compare to this
now. Onl)~ eyelids move. When for relief from outer
and innerUark they close and open respectivel:. Other
small local movements eventually within moderation
not to be despaired of. But no improvement In means
of such achieved so far. Or on a higher plane h\ such
addition to company as a movement of sustained
sorrow or desire or remorse or curio::;ity or anger and
~
so on. Or by some succes::;ful act of intellection as wen~ he to think to him::;elf rcf'erring to himself, Since he cannot think he will give up tr:~ing. Is there an: thing to add to this esquis::;e? Hi::; unnamabilit:. Even M must go. So \V reminds himself of his creature as so far created. \V? But W too is cn~ature. Figment.
Yet another then. Of whom nothing. Devising ficr- G Lt"'
ments to temper his nothingness. Quick leave him. Pause and again in panic to himself, Quick leave him.
Deyised deviser deYising it all for compan:. In the same fiumcnt dark as his fi! ! n1ents. In \vhat posture and
b~
if or not as hearer in his for crood not \ et deYised. Is
~.
not one immovahle enough'? Wll\ duplicate this par
. 36
3-;"
ticular solace? Then let him move. Within reason. On all fours. A moderate crawl torso well clear of the ground e: es front alert. If this no better than nothing cancel. If possible. And in the void regained another motion. Or none. Leaving only the most helpful pos ture to be devised. But to be going on with let him
Co Co
crawl. Crawl and fall. Crawl again and fall again. In the same figment dark as his other figments.
From ranging far and wide as if in quest the voice Co L
comes to rest and constant faintness. To rest ,,~here? Imagine warih.
L.
Above the upturned face. Falling tangent to the
crown. So that in the faint light it sheds 'were there a
mouth to be seen he would not see it. Roll as he might
his en~s. H(~ight from tlw ground? . LL
Arm's length. Force? Low. A mother's stoop'ins; Co C
over cradle from behind. She moyes aside to let the father look. In his turn he murmurs to the newllOrn. Flat tone LUlchanged. :\0 trace of Ion:.
You are on your back at the foot of an aspen. In its trembling shade. She at right angles propped on her elbows head between her hands. Your c: es opened and closed have looked in hers looking in Yours. In your
;)8
39
dark yOU look in them again. Still. You feel on your face Co •
the fringe of her long black hair stirring in the still air. Co Co L
Within the tent of hair your faces are hidden from view. She murmurs, Listen to the leaves. En's in each other's eyes \~ou listen to the leaves. In their trembling shade.
Crawling and falling then. Cralding again and falling
G . . . . .
L- L- ""
again. If this finall:~no improvement on nothing he can ahmys fall for good. Or have never risen to his knees. Contrive how such crawl unlike the voice ma\~ sene to chart the area. However roughlY. First what is the unit
Co •
of crawl? Corresponding to the footstep of erect loco
motion. He rises to all fours and makes rC"a(h~ to set
out. Hands and knees anglC"s of an oblong two foot
long width irrelevant. FinallY say left knee moves for- L. .
,,-ard six inches thus half hah-ing llistance between it and homologous hand. Which then in dne cour:-;(' in
L.
•
its turn moves forward bv as much. Oblong now rhom . L
boid. But for no longer than it takes right knee and hand to follow suit. Oblong restored. So on till he drops. Of all modes of crawl this the repent amble possibl:' the least commOll. And so possibly of all the
most divertinCT.
b
So as he crawls the mute count. Grain by (Tram m
. b
the mind. One t,,'o three four one. Knee hand kll<'('
hand two. One foot. Till say aftn five he falls. TIIt'n
sooner or later on from nought anelV'. One two three
four one. Knee hand knee hallll two. Si".
