No More Learning

_Love_. Truly, I don't know what to say.
_Ber_. Don't you think we steal forth two contemptible
creatures?
_Love_. Why, tolerably so, I must confess.
_Ber_. And do you conceive it possible for you ever to give
Amanda the least uneasiness again?
_Love_. No, I think we never should indeed.
_Ber_. We! why, monster, you don't pretend that I ever
entertained a thought?
_Love_. Why then, sincerely and honestly, Berinthia, there
is something in my wife's conduct which strikes me so forcibly,
that if it were not for shame, and the fear of hurting you in her
opinion, I swear I would follow her, confess my error, and trust
to her generosity for forgiveness.
_Ber_. Nay, pr'ythee, don't let your respect for me prevent
you; for as my object in trifling with you was nothing more than
to pique Townly, and as I perceive he has been actuated by a
similar motive, you may depend on't I shall make no mystery of
the matter to him.
_Love_. By no means inform him: for though I may choose to
pass by his conduct without resentment, how will he presume to
look me in the face again?
_Ber_. How will you presume to look him in the face again?
_Love_. He, who has dared to attempt the honour of my wife!
_Ber_. You who have dared to attempt the honour of his
mistress! Come, come, be ruled by me, who affect more levity than
I have, and don't think of anger in this cause. A readiness to
resent injuries is a virtue only in those who are slow to injure.
_Love_. Then I will be ruled by you; and when you think
proper to undeceive Townly, may your good qualities make as
sincere a convert of him as Amanda's have of me. -When truth's
extorted from us, then we own the robe of virtue is a sacred
habit.

Could women but our secret counsel scan--
Could they but reach the deep reserve of man--
To keep our love they'd rate their virtue high,
They live together, and together die.

[_Exeunt_. ]

SCENE II. --_A Room in_ SIR TUNBELLY CLUMSY'S _House.
Enter_ MISS HOYDEN, NURSE, _and_ TOM FASHION.
_Fash_. This quick despatch of the chaplain's I take so
kindly it shall give him claim to my favour as long as I live, I
assure you.
_Miss Hoyd_. And to mine too, I promise you.
_Nurse_. I most humbly thank your honours; and may your
children swarm about you like bees about a honeycomb!
_Miss Hoyd_. Ecod, with all my heart--the more the merrier,
I say--ha, nurse?
_Enter_ LORY.
_Lory_. One word with you, for Heaven's sake. [_Taking_
TOM FASHION _hastily aside_. ]
_Fash_. What the devil's the matter?
_Lory_. Sir, your fortune's ruined if you are not married.
Yonder's your brother arrived, with two coaches and six horses,
twenty footmen, and a coat worth fourscore pounds--so judge what
will become of your lady's heart.
_Fash_. Is he in the house yet?
_Lory_. No, they are capitulating with him at the gate. Sir
Tunbelly luckily takes him for an impostor; and I have told him
that we have heard of this plot before.
_Fash_. That's right. --[_Turning to_ MISS HOYDEN. ] My
dear, here's a troublesome business my man tells me of, but don't
be frightened; we shall be too hard for the rogue. Here's an
impudent fellow at the gate (not knowing I was come hither
incognito) has taken my name upon him, in hopes to run away with
you.
_Miss Hoyd_. Oh, the brazen-faced varlet! it's well we are
married, or maybe we might never have been so.
_Fash. [Aside_. ] Egad, like enough. --[_Aloud_. ]
Pr'ythee, nurse, run to Sir Tunbelly, and stop him from going to
the gate before I speak to him.
_Nurse_. An't please your honour, my lady and I had
better, lock ourselves up till the danger be over.
_Fash_. Do so, if you please.
_Miss Hoyd_. Not so fast; I won't be locked up any more, now
I'm married.
_Fash_. Yes, pray, my dear, do, till we have seized this
rascal.
_Miss Hoyd_. Nay, if you'll pray me, I'll do anything.
[_Exit with_ NURSE. ]
_Fash_. Hark you, sirrah, things are better than you
imagine. The wedding's over.
_Lory_. The devil it is, sir! [_Capers about_. ]
_Fash_. Not a word--all's safe--but Sir Tunbelly don't know
it, nor must not yet. So I am resolved to brazen the brunt of the
business out, and have the pleasure of turning the impostor upon
his lordship, which I believe may easily be done.
_Enter_ SIR TUNBELLY CLUMSY.
Did you ever hear, sir, of so impudent an undertaking?
_Sir Tun_. Never, by the mass; but we'll tickle him, I'll
warrant you.
_Fash_. They tell me, sir, he has a great many people with
him, disguised like servants.
_Sir Tun_. Ay, ay, rogues enow, but we have mastered them.
We only fired a few shot over their heads, and the regiment
scoured in an instant. --Here, Tummus, bring in your prisoner.
_Fash_. If you please, Sir Tunbelly, it will be best for me
not to confront this fellow yet, till you have heard how far his
impudence will carry him.
_Sir Tun_. Egad, your lordship is an ingenious person. Your
lordship, then, will please to step aside.
_Lory_. [_Aside_. ] 'Fore heavens, I applaud my master's
modesty! [_Exit with_ TOM FASHION. ]
_Enter_ SERVANTS, _with_ LORD FOPPINGTON
_disarmed_.
_Sir Tun_. Come, bring him along, bring him along.
_Lord Fop_. What the plague do you mean, gentlemen? is it
fair time, that you are all drunk before supper?
_Sir Tun_. Drunk, sirrah! here's an impudent rogue for you
now. Drunk or sober, bully, I'm a justice o' the peace, and know
how to deal with strollers.
_Lord Fop_. Strollers!
_Sir Tun_. Ay, strollers. Come, give an account of yourself.
What's your name? where do you live? do you pay scot and lot?
Come, are you a freeholder or a copyholder?
_Lord Fop_. And why dost thou ask me so many impertinent
questions?
_Sir Tun_. Because I'll make you answer 'em, before I have
done with you, you rascal, you!
_Lord Fop_. Before Gad, all the answer I can make to them
is, that you are a very extraordinary old fellow, stap my vitals.
_Sir Tun_. Nay, if thou art joking deputy-lieutenants, we
know how to deal with you. --Here, draw a warrant for him
immediately.
_Lord Fop_. A warrant! What the devil is't thou wouldst be
at, old gentleman?
_Sir Tun_. I would be at you, sirrah, (if my hands were not
tied as a magistrate,) and with these two double fists beat your
teeth down your throat, you dog, you! [_Driving him_. ]
_Lord Fop_. And why wouldst thou spoil my face at that rate?
_Sir Tun_. For your design to rob me of my daughter,
villain.
_Lord Fop_. Rob thee of thy daughter! Now do I begin to
believe I am in bed and asleep, and that all this is but a dream.
Pr'ythee, old father, wilt thou give me leave to ask thee one
question?
_Sir Tun_. I can't tell whether I will or not, till I know
what it is.
_Lord Fop_. Why, then, it is, whether thou didst not write
to my Lord Foppington, to come down and marry thy daughter?
_Sir Tun. _ Yes, marry, did I, and my Lord Foppington is come
down, and shall marry my daughter before she's a day older.
_Lord Fop. _ Now give me thy hand, old dad; I thought we
should understand one another at last.
_Sir Tun. _ The fellow's mad! --Here, bind him hand and foot.
[_They bind him. _]
_Lord Fop. _ Nay, pr'ythee, knight, leave fooling; thy jest
begins to grow dull.
_Sir Tun. _ Bind him, I say--he's mad: bread and water, a
dark room, and a whip, may bring him to his senses again.
_Lord Fop. _ Pr'ythee, Sir Tunbelly, why should you take such
an aversion to the freedom of my address as to suffer the rascals
thus to skewer down my arms like a rabbit? --[_Aside. _] Egad,
if I don't awake, by all that I can see, this is like to prove
one of the most impertinent dreams that ever I dreamt in my life.
_Re-enter_ MISS HOYDEN _and_ NURSE.
_Miss Hoyd. _ [_Going up to_ LORD FOPPINGTON. ] Is this
he that would have run--Fough, how he stinks of sweets! --Pray,
father, let him be dragged through the horse-pond.
_Lord Fop. _ This must be my wife, by her natural inclination
to her husband. [_Aside. _]
_Miss Hoyd. _ Pray, father, what do you intend to do with
him--hang him?
_Sir Tun. _ That, at least, child.
_Nurse. _ Ay, and it's e'en too good for him too.
_Lord Fop. _ Madame la gouvernante, I presume: hitherto this
appears to me to be one of the most extraordinary families that
ever man of quality matched into. [_Aside. _]
_Sir Tun. _ What's become of my lord, daughter?
_Miss Hoyd. _ He's just coming, sir.
_Lord Fop. _ My lord! what does he mean by that, now?
[_Aside. _]
_Re-enter_ TOM FASHION _and_ LORY.
Stap my vitals, Tam, now the dream's out! [_Runs. _]
_Fash.
_ Is this the fellow, sir, that designed to trick me
of your daughter?
_Sir Tun_. This is he, my lord. How do you like him? Is not
he a pretty fellow to get a fortune?
_Fash_. I find by his dress he thought your daughter might
be taken with a beau.
_Miss Hoyd_. Oh, gemini! is this a beau? let me see him
again. [_Surveys him_. ] Ha! I find a beau is no such ugly
thing, neither.
_Fash. [Aside_. ] Egad, she'll be in love with him presently
--I'll e'en have him sent away to jail. --[_To_ LORD
FOPPINGTON. ] Sir, though your undertaking shows you a person of
no extraordinary modesty, I suppose you ha'n't confidence enough
to expect much favour from me?
_Lord Fop_. Strike me dumb, Tam, thou art a very impudent
fellow.
_Nurse_. Look, if the varlet has not the effrontery to call
his lordship plain Thomas!
_Lord Fop_. My Lord Foppington, shall I beg one word with
your lordship?
_Nurse_. Ho, ho! it's my lord with him now! See how
afflictions will humble folks.
_Miss Hoyd_. Pray, my lord--[_To_ FASHION]--don't let
him whisper too close, lest he bite your ear off.
_Lord Fop_. I am not altogether so hungry as your ladyship
is pleased to imagine. --[_Aside to_ TOM FASHION. ] Look you,
Tam, I am sensible I have not been so kind to you as I ought, but
I hope you'll forgive what's past, and accept of the five
thousand pounds I offer--thou mayst live in extreme splendour
with it, stap my vitals!
_Fash_. It's a much easier matter to prevent a disease than
to cure it. A quarter of that sum would have secured your
mistress, twice as much cannot redeem her. [_Aside to_ LORD
FOPPINGTON. ]
_Sir Tun_. Well, what says he?
_Fash_. Only the rascal offered me a bribe to let him go.
_Sir Tun_. Ay, he shall go, with a plague to him! --lead on,
constable.
_Enter_ SERVANT.
_Ser_. Sir, here is Muster Loveless, and Muster Colonel
Townly, and some ladies to wait on you. [_To_ TOM FASHION. ]
_Lory. [Aside to_ TOM FASHION. ] So, sir, what will you do
now?
_Fash_. [_Aside to_ LORY. ] Be quiet; they are in the
plot. --[_Aloud_. ] Only a few friends, Sir Tunbelly, whom I
wish to introduce to you.
_Lord Fop_. Thou art the most impudent fellow, Tam, that
ever nature yet brought into the world. --Sir Tunbelly, strike me
speechless, but these are my friends and acquaintance, and my
guests, and they will soon inform thee whether I am the true Lord
Foppington or not.
_Enter_ LOVELESS, COLONEL TOWNLY, AMANDA, _and_
BERINTHIA. --LORD FOPPINGTON _accosts them as they pass, but
none answer him.
Fash_. So, gentlemen, this is friendly; I rejoice to see you.
_Col. Town_. My lord, we are fortunate to be the witnesses
of your lordship's happiness.
_Love_. But your lordship will do us the honour to introduce
us to Sir Tunbelly Clumsy?
_Aman_. And us to your lady.
_Lord Fop_. Gad take me, but they are all in a story!
[_Aside_. ]
_Sir Tun_. Gentlemen, you do me much honour; my Lord
Foppington's friends will ever be welcome to me and mine.
_Fash_. My love, let me introduce you to these ladies.
_Miss Hoyd_. By goles, they look so fine and so stiff, I am
almost ashamed to come nigh 'em.
_Aman_. A most engaging lady indeed!
_Miss Hoyd_. Thank ye, ma'am.
_Ber_. And I doubt not will soon distinguish herself in the
beau monde.
_Miss Hoyd_. Where is that?
_Fash_. You'll soon learn, my dear.
_Love_. But Lord Foppington--
_Lord Fop_. Sir!
_Love_. Sir! I was not addressing myself to you, sir! --Pray
who is this gentleman? He seems rather in a singular predicament--
_Col. Town_. For so well-dressed a person, a little oddly
circumstanced, indeed.
_Sir Tun_. Ha! ha! ha! --So, these are your friends and your
guests, ha, my adventurer?
_Lord Fop_. I am struck dumb with their impudence, and
cannot positively say whether I shall ever speak again or not.
_Sir Tun. _ Why, sir, this modest gentleman wanted to pass
himself upon me as Lord Foppington, and carry off my daughter.
_Love. _ A likely plot to succeed, truly, ha! ha!
_Lord Fop. _ As Gad shall judge me, Loveless, I did not expect
this from thee. Come, pr'ythee confess the joke; tell Sir
Tunbelly that I am the real Lord Foppington, who yesterday made
love to thy wife; was honoured by her with a slap on the face,
and afterwards pinked through the body by thee.
_Sir Tun. _ A likely story, truly, that a peer would behave
thus.
_Love. _ A pretty fellow, indeed, that would scandalize the
character he wants to assume; but what will you do with him, Sir
Tunbelly?
_Sir Tun. _ Commit him, certainly, unless the bride and
bridegroom choose to pardon him.
_Lord Fop. _ Bride and bridegroom! For Gad's sake, Sir
Tunbelly, 'tis tarture to me to hear you call 'em so.
_Miss Hoyd. _ Why, you ugly thing, what would you have him
call us--dog and cat?
_Lord Fop. _ By no means, miss; for that sounds ten times
more like man and wife than t'other.
_Sir Tun. _ A precious rogue this to come a-wooing!
_Re-enter_ SERVANT.
_Ser. _ There are some gentlefolks below to wait upon Lord
Foppington. [_Exit. _]
_Col. Town. _ 'Sdeath, Tom, what will you do now? [_Aside
to_ TOM FASHION. ]
_Lord Fop. _ Now, Sir Tunbelly, here are witnesses who I
believe are not corrupted.
_Sir Tun. _ Peace, fellow! --Would your lordship choose to have
your guests shown here, or shall they wait till we come to 'em?
_Fash. _ I believe, Sir Tunbelly, we had better not have these
visitors here yet. --[_Aside_. ] Egad, all must out.
_Love. _ Confess, confess; we'll stand by you. [_Aside
to_ TOM FASHION. ]
_Lord Fop. _ Nay, Sir Tunbelly, I insist on your calling
evidence on both sides--and if I do not prove that fellow an
impostor--
_Fash_. Brother, I will save you the trouble, by now
confessing that I am not what I have passed myself for. --Sir
Tunbelly, I am a gentleman, and I flatter myself a man of
character; but'tis with great pride I assure you I am not Lord
Foppington.
_Sir Tun_. Ouns! --what's this? --an impostor? --a cheat? --fire
and faggots, sir, if you are not Lord Foppington, who the
devil are you?
_Fash_. Sir, the best of my condition is, I am your son-in-law;
and the worst of it is, I am brother to that noble peer.
_Lord Fop_. Impudent to the last, Gad dem me!
_Sir Tun_. My son-in-law! not yet, I hope.
_Fash_. Pardon me, sir; thanks to the goodness of your
chaplain, and the kind offices of this gentlewoman.
_Lory_. 'Tis true indeed, sir; I gave your daughter away,
and Mrs. Nurse, here, was clerk.
_Sir Tun_. Knock that rascal down! --But speak, Jezebel, how's
this?
_Nurse_. Alas! your honour, forgive me; I have been
overreached in this business as well as you. Your worship knows,
if the wedding-dinner had been ready, you would have given her
away with your own hands.
_Sir Tun_. But how durst you do this without acquainting me?
_Nurse_. Alas! if your worship had seen how the poor thing
begged and prayed, and clung and twined about me like ivy round
an old wall, you would say, I who had nursed it, and reared it,
must have had a heart like stone to refuse it.
_Sir Tun_. Ouns! I shall go mad! Unloose my lord there, you
scoundrels!
_Lord Fop_. Why, when these gentlemen are at leisure, I
should be glad to congratulate you on your son-in-law, with a
little more freedom of address.
_Miss Hoyd_. Egad, though, I don't see which is to be my
husband after all.
_Love_. Come, come, Sir Tunbelly, a man of your
understanding must perceive that an affair of this kind is not to
be mended by anger and reproaches.
_Col. Town_. Take my word for it, Sir Tunbelly, you are only
tricked into a son-in-law you may be proud of: my friend Tom
Fashion is as honest a fellow as ever breathed.
_Love_. That he is, depend on't; and will hunt or drink with
you most affectionately: be generous, old boy, and forgive them--
_Sir Tun_. Never!