No More Learning

Ah! we shall never see such figures of men again.

CHARLES. I hope not. Well, you see, Master Premium, what a domestic
character I am; here I sit of an evening surrounded by my family. But
come, get to your pulpit, Mr. Auctioneer; here's an old gouty chair of
my grandfather's will answer the purpose.

CARELESS. Ay, ay, this will do. But, Charles, I haven't a hammer; and
what's an auctioneer without his hammer?

CHARLES. Egad, that's true. What parchment have we here? Oh, our
genealogy in full. [Taking pedigree down. ] Here, Careless, you shall
have no common bit of mahogany, here's the family tree for you,
you rogue! This shall be your hammer, and now you may knock down my
ancestors with their own pedigree.

SIR OLIVER. What an unnatural rogue! --an ex post facto parricide!
[Aside. ]

CARELESS. Yes, yes, here's a list of your generation indeed;--faith,
Charles, this is the most convenient thing you could have found for the
business, for 'twill not only serve as a hammer, but a catalogue into
the bargain. Come, begin--A-going, a-going, a-going!

CHARLES. Bravo, Careless! Well, here's my great uncle, Sir Richard
Ravelin, a marvellous good general in his day, I assure you. He served
in all the Duke of Marlborough's wars, and got that cut over his eye
at the battle of Malplaquet. What say you, Mr. Premium? look at
him--there's a hero! not cut out of his feathers, as your modern clipped
captains are, but enveloped in wig and regimentals, as a general should
be. What do you bid?

SIR OLIVER. [Aside to Moses. ] Bid him speak.

MOSES. Mr. Premium would have you speak.

CHARLES. Why, then, he shall have him for ten pounds, and I'm sure
that's not dear for a staff-officer.

SIR OLIVER. [Aside. ] Heaven deliver me! his famous uncle Richard for ten
pounds! --[Aloud. ] Very well, sir, I take him at that.

CHARLES. Careless, knock down my uncle Richard. --Here, now, is a maiden
sister of his, my great-aunt Deborah, done by Kneller, in his best
manner, and esteemed a very formidable likeness. There she is, you see,
a shepherdess feeding her flock. You shall have her for five pounds
ten--the sheep are worth the money.

SIR OLIVER. [Aside. ] Ah! poor Deborah! a woman who set such a value on
herself! --[Aloud. ] Five pounds ten--she's mine.

CHARLES. Knock down my aunt Deborah! Here, now, are two that were a sort
of cousins of theirs. --You see, Moses, these pictures were done some
time ago, when beaux wore wigs, and the ladies their own hair.

SIR OLIVER. Yes, truly, head-dresses appear to have been a little lower
in those days.

CHARLES. Well, take that couple for the same.

MOSES. 'Tis a good bargain.

CHARLES. Careless! --This, now, is a grandfather of my mother's, a
learned judge, well known on the western circuit,--What do you rate him
at, Moses?

MOSES. Four guineas.

CHARLES. Four guineas! Gad's life, you don't bid me the price of his
wig. --Mr. Premium, you have more respect for the woolsack; do let us
knock his lordship down at fifteen.

SIR OLIVER. By all means.

CARELESS. Gone!

CHARLES. And there are two brothers of his, William and Walter Blunt,
Esquires, both members of Parliament, and noted speakers; and, what's
very extraordinary, I believe, this is the first time they were ever
bought or sold.

SIR OLIVER. That is very extraordinary, indeed! I'll take them at your
own price, for the honour of Parliament.

CARELESS. Well said, little Premium! I'll knock them down at forty.

CHARLES. Here's a jolly fellow--I don't know what relation, but he was
mayor of Norwich: take him at eight pounds.

SIR OLIVER. No, no; six will do for the mayor.

CHARLES. Come, make it guineas, and I'll throw you the two aldermen here
into the bargain.

SIR OLIVER. They're mine.

CHARLES. Careless, knock down the mayor and aldermen. But, plague on't!
we shall be all day retailing in this manner; do let us deal wholesale:
what say you, little Premium? Give me three hundred pounds for the rest
of the family in the lump.

CARELESS. Ay, ay, that will be the best way.

SIR OLIVER. Well, well, anything to accommodate you; they are mine. But
there is one portrait which you have always passed over.

CARELESS. What, that ill-looking little fellow over the settee?

SIR OLIVER. Yes, sir, I mean that; though I don't think him so
ill-looking a little fellow, by any means.

CHARLES. What, that? Oh; that's my uncle Oliver! 'Twas done before he
went to India.

CARELESS. Your uncle Oliver! Gad, then you'll never be friends,
Charles. That, now, to me, is as stern a looking rogue as ever I saw; an
unforgiving eye, and a damned disinheriting countenance! an inveterate
knave, depend on't. Don't you think so, little Premium?

SIR OLIVER. Upon my soul, Sir, I do not; I think it is as honest a
looking face as any in the room, dead or alive. But I suppose uncle
Oliver goes with the rest of the lumber?

CHARLES. No, hang it! I'll not part with poor Noll. The old fellow has
been very good to me, and, egad, I'll keep his picture while I've a room
to put it in.

SIR OLIVER. [Aside. ] The rogue's my nephew after all! --[Aloud. ] But,
sir, I have somehow taken a fancy to that picture.

CHARLES. I'm sorry for't, for you certainly will not have it. Oons,
haven't you got enough of them?

SIR OLIVER. [Aside. ] I forgive him everything! --[Aloud. ] But, Sir, when
I take a whim in my head, I don't value money. I'll give you as much for
that as for all the rest.

CHARLES. Don't tease me, master broker; I tell you I'll not part with
it, and there's an end of it.

SIR OLIVER. [Aside. ] How like his father the dog is. --[Aloud. ] Well,
well, I have done. --[Aside. ] I did not perceive it before, but I think
I never saw such a striking resemblance. --[Aloud. ] Here is a draught for
your sum.

CHARLES. Why, 'tis for eight hundred pounds!

SIR OLIVER. You will not let Sir Oliver go?

CHARLES. Zounds! no! I tell you, once more.

SIR OLIVER. Then never mind the difference, we'll balance that another
time. But give me your hand on the bargain; you are an honest fellow,
Charles--I beg pardon, sir, for being so free. --Come, Moses.

CHARLES. Egad, this is a whimsical old fellow! --But hark'ee, Premium,
you'll prepare lodgings for these gentlemen.

SIR OLIVER. Yes, yes, I'll send for them in a day or two.

CHARLES. But, hold; do now send a genteel conveyance for them, for, I
assure you, they were most of them used to ride in their own carriages.

SIR OLIVER. I will, I will--for all but Oliver.

CHARLES. Ay, all but the little nabob.

SIR OLIVER. You're fixed on that?

CHARLES. Peremptorily.

SIR OLIVER. [Aside. ] A dear extravagant rogue! --[Aloud. ] Good day! Come,
Moses. --[Aside. ] Let me hear now who dares call him profligate!

[Exit with MOSES. ]

CARELESS. Why, this is the oddest genius of the sort I ever met with!

CHARLES. Egad, he's the prince of brokers, I think. I wonder how
the devil Moses got acquainted with so honest a fellow. --Ha! here's
Rowley. --Do, Careless, say I'll join the company in a few moments.

CARELESS.
I will--but don't let that old blockhead persuade you to
squander any of that money on old musty debts, or any such nonsense; for
tradesmen, Charles, are the most exorbitant fellows.

CHARLES. Very true, and paying them is only encouraging them.

CARELESS. Nothing else.

CHARLES. Ay, ay, never fear. --

[Exit CARELESS. ]
So! this was an odd old fellow, indeed. Let me see, two-thirds of these
five hundred and thirty odd pounds are mine by right. Fore Heaven!
I find one's ancestors are more valuable relations than I took them
for! --Ladies and gentlemen, your most obedient and very grateful
servant. [Bows ceremoniously to the pictures. ]

Enter ROWLEY

Ha! old Rowley! egad, you are just come in time to take leave of your
old acquaintance.

ROWLEY. Yes, I heard they were a-going. But I wonder you can have such
spirits under so many distresses.

CHARLES. Why, there's the point! my distresses are so many, that I can't
affort to part with my spirits; but I shall be rich and splenetic, all
in good time. However, I suppose you are surprised that I am not more
sorrowful at parting with so many near relations; to be sure, 'tis very
affecting; but you see they never move a muscle, so why should I?

ROWLEY. There's no making you serious a moment.

CHARLES. Yes, faith, I am so now. Here, my honest Rowley, here, get me
this changed directly, and take a hundred pounds of it immediately to
old Stanley.

ROWLEY. A hundred pounds! Consider only----

CHARLES. Gad's life, don't talk about it! poor Stanley's wants are
pressing, and, if you don't make haste, we shall have some one call that
has a better right to the money.

ROWLEY. Ah! there's the point! I never will cease dunning you with the
old proverb----

CHARLES. BE JUST BEFORE YOU'RE GENEROUS. --Why, so I would if I could;
but Justice is an old hobbling beldame, and I can't get her to keep pace
with Generosity, for the soul of me.

ROWLEY. Yet, Charles, believe me, one hour's reflection----

CHARLES. Ay, ay, it's very true; but, hark'ee, Rowley, while I have, by
Heaven I'll give; so, damn your economy! and now for hazard.

[Exeunt. ]




SCENE II. --The Parlour

Enter SIR OLIVER and MOSES

MOSES. Well sir, I think as Sir Peter said you have seen Mr. Charles in
high Glory--'tis great Pity He's so extravagant.

SIR OLIVER. True--but he would not sell my Picture--

MOSES. And loves wine and women so much--

SIR OLIVER. But He wouldn't sell my Picture.

MOSES. And game so deep--

SIR OLIVER. But He wouldn't sell my Picture. O--here's Rowley!

Enter ROWLEY

ROWLEY. So--Sir Oliver--I find you have made a Purchase----

SIR OLIVER. Yes--yes--our young Rake has parted with his Ancestors like
old Tapestry--sold Judges and Generals by the foot--and maiden Aunts as
cheap as broken China. --

ROWLEY. And here has he commissioned me to re-deliver you Part of
the purchase-money--I mean tho' in your necessitous character of old
Stanley----

MOSES. Ah! there is the Pity of all! He is so damned charitable.

ROWLEY. And I left a Hosier and two Tailors in the Hall--who I'm sure
won't be paid, and this hundred would satisfy 'em.

SIR OLIVER. Well--well--I'll pay his debts and his Benevolences
too--I'll take care of old Stanley--myself--But now I am no more
a Broker, and you shall introduce me to the elder Brother as Stanley----

ROWLEY. Not yet a while--Sir Peter I know means to call there about this
time.

Enter TRIP

TRIP. O Gentlemen--I beg Pardon for not showing you out--this
way--Moses, a word.

[Exit TRIP with MOSES. ]

SIR OLIVER. There's a Fellow for you--Would you believe it that Puppy
intercepted the Jew, on our coming, and wanted to raise money before he
got to his master!

ROWLEY. Indeed!

SIR OLIVER. Yes--they are now planning an annuity Business--Ah Master
Rowley[,] in my Day Servants were content with the Follies of their
Masters when they were worn a little Thread Bare but now they have their
Vices like their Birth Day cloaths with the gloss on.

[Exeunt. ]




SCENE III. --A Library

SURFACE and SERVANT

SURFACE. No letter from Lady Teazle?

SERVANT. No Sir--

SURFACE. I am surprised she hasn't sent if she is prevented from
coming--! Sir Peter certainly does not suspect me--yet I wish I may
not lose the Heiress, thro' the scrape I have drawn myself in with the
wife--However, Charles's imprudence and bad character are great Points
in my Favour.

SERVANT. Sir--I believe that must be Lady Teazle--

SURFACE. Hold[! ] see--whether it is or not before you go to the Door--I
have a particular Message for you if it should be my Brother.

SERVANT. 'Tis her ladyship Sir--She always leaves her Chair at the
milliner's in the next Street.

SURFACE. Stay--stay--draw that Screen before the Window--that will
do--my opposite Neighbour is a maiden Lady of so curious a temper! --

[SERVANT draws the screen and exit. ]

I have a difficult Hand to play in this Affair--Lady Teazle as lately
suspected my Views on Maria--but She must by no means be let into that
secret, at least till I have her more in my Power.

Enter LADY TEAZLE

LADY TEAZLE. What[! ] Sentiment in soliloquy--have you been very
impatient now? --O Lud! don't pretend to look grave--I vow I couldn't
come before----

SURFACE. O Madam[,] Punctuality is a species of Constancy, a very
unfashionable quality in a Lady.

LADY TEAZLE. Upon my word you ought to pity me, do you now Sir Peter
is grown so ill-tempered to me of Late! and so jealous! of Charles too
that's the best of the story isn't it?

SURFACE. I am glad my scandalous Friends keep that up. [Aside. ]

LADY TEAZLE. I am sure I wish He would let Maria marry him--and then
perhaps He would be convinced--don't you--Mr. Surface?

SURFACE. Indeed I do not. --[Aside. ] O certainly I do--for then my dear
Lady Teazle would also be convinced how wrong her suspicions were of my
having any design on the silly Girl----

LADY TEAZLE. Well--well I'm inclined to believe you--besides I really
never could perceive why she should have so any admirers.

SURFACE. O for her Fortune--nothing else--

LADY TEAZLE. I believe so for tho' she is certainly very pretty--yet she
has no conversation in the world--and is so grave and reserved--that I
declare I think she'd have made an excellent wife for Sir Peter. --

SURFACE. So she would.

LADY TEAZLE. Then--one never hears her speak ill of anybody--which you
know is mighty dull--

SURFACE. Yet she doesn't want understanding--

LADY TEAZLE. No more she does--yet one is always disapointed when
one hears [her] speak--For though her Eyes have no kind of meaning in
them--she very seldom talks Nonsense.

SURFACE. Nay--nay surely--she has very fine eyes--

LADY TEAZLE. Why so she has--tho' sometimes one fancies there's a little
sort of a squint--

SURFACE. A squint--O fie--Lady Teazle.

LADY TEAZLE. Yes yes--I vow now--come there is a left-handed Cupid in
one eye--that's the Truth on't.

SURFACE. Well--his aim is very direct however--but Lady Sneerwell has
quite corrupted you.

LADY TEAZLE. No indeed--I have not opinion enough of her to be taught
by her, and I know that she has lately rais'd many scandalous hints of
me--which you know one always hears from one common Friend, or other.

SURFACE. Why to say truth I believe you are not more obliged to her than
others of her acquaintance.

LADY TEAZLE. But isn't [it] provoking to hear the most ill-natured
Things said to one and there's my friend Lady Sneerwell has circulated
I don't know how many scandalous tales of me, and all without any
foundation, too; that's what vexes me.

SURFACE. Aye Madam to be sure that is the Provoking
circumstance--without Foundation--yes yes--there's the mortification
indeed--for when a slanderous story is believed against one--there
certainly is no comfort like the consciousness of having deserved it----

LADY TEAZLE. No to be sure--then I'd forgive their malice--but to attack
me, who am really so innocent--and who never say an ill-natured thing of
anybody--that is, of any Friend--! and then Sir Peter too--to have
him so peevish--and so suspicious--when I know the integrity of my own
Heart--indeed 'tis monstrous.

SURFACE. But my dear Lady Teazle 'tis your own fault if you suffer
it--when a Husband entertains a groundless suspicion of his Wife and
withdraws his confidence from her--the original compact is broke and she
owes it to the Honour of her sex to endeavour to outwit him--

LADY TEAZLE. Indeed--So that if He suspects me without cause it follows
that the best way of curing his jealousy is to give him reason for't--

SURFACE. Undoubtedly--for your Husband [should] never be deceived in
you--and in that case it becomes you to be frail in compliment to his
discernment--

LADY TEAZLE. To be sure what you say is very reasonable--and when the
consciousness of my own Innocence----

SURFACE. Ah: my dear--Madam there is the great mistake--'tis this very
conscious Innocence that is of the greatest Prejudice to you--what is
it makes you negligent of Forms and careless of the world's opinion--why
the consciousness of your Innocence--what makes you thoughtless in
your Conduct and apt to run into a thousand little imprudences--why the
consciousness of your Innocence--what makes you impatient of Sir Peter's
temper, and outrageous at his suspicions--why the consciousness of your
own Innocence--

LADY TEAZLE. 'Tis very true.

SURFACE. Now my dear Lady Teazle if you but once make a trifling Faux
Pas you can't conceive how cautious you would grow, and how ready to
humour and agree with your Husband.

LADY TEAZLE. Do you think so--

SURFACE. O I'm sure on't; and then you'd find all scandal would cease
at once--for in short your Character at Present is like a Person in a
Plethora, absolutely dying of too much Health--

LADY TEAZLE. So--so--then I perceive your Prescription is that I
must sin in my own Defence--and part with my virtue to preserve my
Reputation. --

SURFACE. Exactly so upon my credit Ma'am[. ]

LADY TEAZLE. Well certainly this is the oddest Doctrine--and the newest
Receipt for avoiding calumny.

SURFACE. An infallible one believe me--Prudence like experience must be
paid for--

LADY TEAZLE. Why if my understanding were once convinced----

SURFACE. Oh, certainly Madam, your understanding SHOULD be
convinced--yes--yes--Heaven forbid I should persuade you to do anything
you THOUGHT wrong--no--no--I have too much honor to desire it--

LADY TEAZLE. Don't--you think we may as well leave Honor out of the
Argument? [Rises. ]

SURFACE. Ah--the ill effects of your country education I see still
remain with you.

LADY TEAZLE. I doubt they do indeed--and I will fairly own to you,
that If I could be persuaded to do wrong it would be by Sir Peter's
ill-usage--sooner than your honourable Logic, after all.

SURFACE. Then by this Hand, which He is unworthy of----

Enter SERVANT

Sdeath, you Blockhead--what do you want?

SERVANT. I beg your Pardon Sir, but I thought you wouldn't chuse Sir
Peter to come up without announcing him?

SURFACE. Sir Peter--Oons--the Devil!

LADY TEAZLE. Sir Peter! O Lud! I'm ruined! I'm ruin'd!

SERVANT. Sir, 'twasn't I let him in.

LADY TEAZLE. O I'm undone--what will become of me now Mr. Logick. --Oh!
mercy, He's on the Stairs--I'll get behind here--and if ever I'm so
imprudent again----

[Goes behind the screen--]

SURFACE. Give me that--Book! ----

[Sits down--SERVANT pretends to adjust his Hair--]

Enter SIR PETER

SIR PETER. Aye--ever improving himself! --Mr. Surface--

SURFACE. Oh! my dear Sir Peter--I beg your Pardon--[Gaping and throws
away the Book. ] I have been dosing [dozing] over a stupid Book! well--I
am much obliged to you for this Call--You haven't been here I believe
since I fitted up this Room--Books you know are the only Things I am a
Coxcomb in--

SIR PETER. 'Tis very neat indeed--well well that's proper--and you make
even your Screen a source of knowledge--hung I perceive with Maps--

SURFACE.