No More Learning

Instantly Candide sent for a Jew, to whom he sold for fifty thousand
sequins a diamond worth a hundred thousand, though the fellow swore to
him by Abraham that he could give him no more. He immediately paid the
ransom for the Baron and Pangloss. The latter threw himself at the feet
of his deliverer, and bathed them with his tears; the former thanked him
with a nod, and promised to return him the money on the first
opportunity.

"But is it indeed possible that my sister can be in Turkey? " said he.

"Nothing is more possible," said Cacambo, "since she scours the dishes
in the service of a Transylvanian prince. "

Candide sent directly for two Jews and sold them some more diamonds, and
then they all set out together in another galley to deliver Cunegonde
from slavery.




XXVIII

WHAT HAPPENED TO CANDIDE, CUNEGONDE, PANGLOSS, MARTIN, ETC.


"I ask your pardon once more," said Candide to the Baron, "your pardon,
reverend father, for having run you through the body. "

"Say no more about it," answered the Baron. "I was a little too hasty, I
own, but since you wish to know by what fatality I came to be a
galley-slave I will inform you. After I had been cured by the surgeon of
the college of the wound you gave me, I was attacked and carried off by
a party of Spanish troops, who confined me in prison at Buenos Ayres at
the very time my sister was setting out thence. I asked leave to return
to Rome to the General of my Order. I was appointed chaplain to the
French Ambassador at Constantinople. I had not been eight days in this
employment when one evening I met with a young Ichoglan, who was a very
handsome fellow. The weather was warm. The young man wanted to bathe,
and I took this opportunity of bathing also. I did not know that it was
a capital crime for a Christian to be found naked with a young
Mussulman. A cadi ordered me a hundred blows on the soles of the feet,
and condemned me to the galleys. I do not think there ever was a greater
act of injustice. But I should be glad to know how my sister came to be
scullion to a Transylvanian prince who has taken shelter among the
Turks. "

"But you, my dear Pangloss," said Candide, "how can it be that I behold
you again? "

"It is true," said Pangloss, "that you saw me hanged. I should have been
burnt, but you may remember it rained exceedingly hard when they were
going to roast me; the storm was so violent that they despaired of
lighting the fire, so I was hanged because they could do no better. A
surgeon purchased my body, carried me home, and dissected me. He began
with making a crucial incision on me from the navel to the clavicula.
One could not have been worse hanged than I was. The executioner of the
Holy Inquisition was a sub-deacon, and knew how to burn people
marvellously well, but he was not accustomed to hanging. The cord was
wet and did not slip properly, and besides it was badly tied; in short,
I still drew my breath, when the crucial incision made me give such a
frightful scream that my surgeon fell flat upon his back, and imagining
that he had been dissecting the devil he ran away, dying with fear, and
fell down the staircase in his flight. His wife, hearing the noise,
flew from the next room. She saw me stretched out upon the table with my
crucial incision. She was seized with yet greater fear than her husband,
fled, and tumbled over him. When they came to themselves a little, I
heard the wife say to her husband: 'My dear, how could you take it into
your head to dissect a heretic? Do you not know that these people always
have the devil in their bodies? I will go and fetch a priest this minute
to exorcise him. ' At this proposal I shuddered, and mustering up what
little courage I had still remaining I cried out aloud, 'Have mercy on
me! ' At length the Portuguese barber plucked up his spirits. He sewed up
my wounds; his wife even nursed me. I was upon my legs at the end of
fifteen days. The barber found me a place as lackey to a knight of Malta
who was going to Venice, but finding that my master had no money to pay
me my wages I entered the service of a Venetian merchant, and went with
him to Constantinople. One day I took it into my head to step into a
mosque, where I saw an old Iman and a very pretty young devotee who was
saying her paternosters. Her bosom was uncovered, and between her
breasts she had a beautiful bouquet of tulips, roses, anemones,
ranunculus, hyacinths, and auriculas. She dropped her bouquet; I picked
it up, and presented it to her with a profound reverence. I was so long
in delivering it that the Iman began to get angry, and seeing that I was
a Christian he called out for help. They carried me before the cadi, who
ordered me a hundred lashes on the soles of the feet and sent me to the
galleys. I was chained to the very same galley and the same bench as the
young Baron. On board this galley there were four young men from
Marseilles, five Neapolitan priests, and two monks from Corfu, who told
us similar adventures happened daily. The Baron maintained that he had
suffered greater injustice than I, and I insisted that it was far more
innocent to take up a bouquet and place it again on a woman's bosom than
to be found stark naked with an Ichoglan. We were continually disputing,
and received twenty lashes with a bull's pizzle when the concatenation
of universal events brought you to our galley, and you were good enough
to ransom us. "

"Well, my dear Pangloss," said Candide to him, "when you had been
hanged, dissected, whipped, and were tugging at the oar, did you always
think that everything happens for the best? "

"I am still of my first opinion," answered Pangloss, "for I am a
philosopher and I cannot retract, especially as Leibnitz could never be
wrong; and besides, the pre-established harmony is the finest thing in
the world, and so is his _plenum_ and _materia subtilis_. "




XXIX

HOW CANDIDE FOUND CUNEGONDE AND THE OLD WOMAN AGAIN.


While Candide, the Baron, Pangloss, Martin, and Cacambo were relating
their several adventures, were reasoning on the contingent or
non-contingent events of the universe, disputing on effects and causes,
on moral and physical evil, on liberty and necessity, and on the
consolations a slave may feel even on a Turkish galley, they arrived at
the house of the Transylvanian prince on the banks of the Propontis. The
first objects which met their sight were Cunegonde and the old woman
hanging towels out to dry.

The Baron paled at this sight. The tender, loving Candide, seeing his
beautiful Cunegonde embrowned, with blood-shot eyes, withered neck,
wrinkled cheeks, and rough, red arms, recoiled three paces, seized with
horror, and then advanced out of good manners. She embraced Candide and
her brother; they embraced the old woman, and Candide ransomed them
both.

There was a small farm in the neighbourhood which the old woman
proposed to Candide to make a shift with till the company could be
provided for in a better manner. Cunegonde did not know she had grown
ugly, for nobody had told her of it; and she reminded Candide of his
promise in so positive a tone that the good man durst not refuse her. He
therefore intimated to the Baron that he intended marrying his sister.

"I will not suffer," said the Baron, "such meanness on her part, and
such insolence on yours; I will never be reproached with this scandalous
thing; my sister's children would never be able to enter the church in
Germany. No; my sister shall only marry a baron of the empire. "

Cunegonde flung herself at his feet, and bathed them with her tears;
still he was inflexible.

"Thou foolish fellow," said Candide; "I have delivered thee out of the
galleys, I have paid thy ransom, and thy sister's also; she was a
scullion, and is very ugly, yet I am so condescending as to marry her;
and dost thou pretend to oppose the match? I should kill thee again,
were I only to consult my anger. "

"Thou mayest kill me again," said the Baron, "but thou shalt not marry
my sister, at least whilst I am living. "




XXX

THE CONCLUSION.


At the bottom of his heart Candide had no wish to marry Cunegonde. But
the extreme impertinence of the Baron determined him to conclude the
match, and Cunegonde pressed him so strongly that he could not go from
his word. He consulted Pangloss, Martin, and the faithful Cacambo.
Pangloss drew up an excellent memorial, wherein he proved that the Baron
had no right over his sister, and that according to all the laws of the
empire, she might marry Candide with her left hand. Martin was for
throwing the Baron into the sea; Cacambo decided that it would be better
to deliver him up again to the captain of the galley, after which they
thought to send him back to the General Father of the Order at Rome by
the first ship. This advice was well received, the old woman approved
it; they said not a word to his sister; the thing was executed for a
little money, and they had the double pleasure of entrapping a Jesuit,
and punishing the pride of a German baron.

It is natural to imagine that after so many disasters Candide married,
and living with the philosopher Pangloss, the philosopher Martin, the
prudent Cacambo, and the old woman, having besides brought so many
diamonds from the country of the ancient Incas, must have led a very
happy life. But he was so much imposed upon by the Jews that he had
nothing left except his small farm; his wife became uglier every day,
more peevish and unsupportable; the old woman was infirm and even more
fretful than Cunegonde. Cacambo, who worked in the garden, and took
vegetables for sale to Constantinople, was fatigued with hard work, and
cursed his destiny. Pangloss was in despair at not shining in some
German university. For Martin, he was firmly persuaded that he would be
as badly off elsewhere, and therefore bore things patiently. Candide,
Martin, and Pangloss sometimes disputed about morals and metaphysics.
They often saw passing under the windows of their farm boats full of
Effendis, Pashas, and Cadis, who were going into banishment to Lemnos,
Mitylene, or Erzeroum. And they saw other Cadis, Pashas, and Effendis
coming to supply the place of the exiles, and afterwards exiled in their
turn. They saw heads decently impaled for presentation to the Sublime
Porte. Such spectacles as these increased the number of their
dissertations; and when they did not dispute time hung so heavily upon
their hands, that one day the old woman ventured to say to them:

"I want to know which is worse, to be ravished a hundred times by negro
pirates, to have a buttock cut off, to run the gauntlet among the
Bulgarians, to be whipped and hanged at an _auto-da-fe_, to be
dissected, to row in the galleys--in short, to go through all the
miseries we have undergone, or to stay here and have nothing to do? "

"It is a great question," said Candide.

This discourse gave rise to new reflections, and Martin especially
concluded that man was born to live either in a state of distracting
inquietude or of lethargic disgust. Candide did not quite agree to that,
but he affirmed nothing. Pangloss owned that he had always suffered
horribly, but as he had once asserted that everything went wonderfully
well, he asserted it still, though he no longer believed it.

What helped to confirm Martin in his detestable principles, to stagger
Candide more than ever, and to puzzle Pangloss, was that one day they
saw Paquette and Friar Giroflee land at the farm in extreme misery. They
had soon squandered their three thousand piastres, parted, were
reconciled, quarrelled again, were thrown into gaol, had escaped, and
Friar Giroflee had at length become Turk. Paquette continued her trade
wherever she went, but made nothing of it.

"I foresaw," said Martin to Candide, "that your presents would soon be
dissipated, and only make them the more miserable. You have rolled in
millions of money, you and Cacambo; and yet you are not happier than
Friar Giroflee and Paquette. "

"Ha! " said Pangloss to Paquette, "Providence has then brought you
amongst us again, my poor child! Do you know that you cost me the tip of
my nose, an eye, and an ear, as you may see? What a world is this! "

And now this new adventure set them philosophising more than ever.

In the neighbourhood there lived a very famous Dervish who was esteemed
the best philosopher in all Turkey, and they went to consult him.
Pangloss was the speaker.

"Master," said he, "we come to beg you to tell why so strange an animal
as man was made. "

"With what meddlest thou? " said the Dervish; "is it thy business? "

"But, reverend father," said Candide, "there is horrible evil in this
world. "

"What signifies it," said the Dervish, "whether there be evil or good?
When his highness sends a ship to Egypt, does he trouble his head
whether the mice on board are at their ease or not? "

"What, then, must we do? " said Pangloss.

"Hold your tongue," answered the Dervish.

"I was in hopes," said Pangloss, "that I should reason with you a little
about causes and effects, about the best of possible worlds, the origin
of evil, the nature of the soul, and the pre-established harmony. "

At these words, the Dervish shut the door in their faces.

During this conversation, the news was spread that two Viziers and the
Mufti had been strangled at Constantinople, and that several of their
friends had been impaled. This catastrophe made a great noise for some
hours. Pangloss, Candide, and Martin, returning to the little farm, saw
a good old man taking the fresh air at his door under an orange bower.
Pangloss, who was as inquisitive as he was argumentative, asked the old
man what was the name of the strangled Mufti.

"I do not know," answered the worthy man, "and I have not known the name
of any Mufti, nor of any Vizier. I am entirely ignorant of the event you
mention; I presume in general that they who meddle with the
administration of public affairs die sometimes miserably, and that they
deserve it; but I never trouble my head about what is transacting at
Constantinople; I content myself with sending there for sale the fruits
of the garden which I cultivate. "

Having said these words, he invited the strangers into his house; his
two sons and two daughters presented them with several sorts of sherbet,
which they made themselves, with Kaimak enriched with the candied-peel
of citrons, with oranges, lemons, pine-apples, pistachio-nuts, and Mocha
coffee unadulterated with the bad coffee of Batavia or the American
islands. After which the two daughters of the honest Mussulman perfumed
the strangers' beards.

"You must have a vast and magnificent estate," said Candide to the Turk.

"I have only twenty acres," replied the old man; "I and my children
cultivate them; our labour preserves us from three great
evils--weariness, vice, and want. "

Candide, on his way home, made profound reflections on the old man's
conversation.

"This honest Turk," said he to Pangloss and Martin, "seems to be in a
situation far preferable to that of the six kings with whom we had the
honour of supping. "

"Grandeur," said Pangloss, "is extremely dangerous according to the
testimony of philosophers. For, in short, Eglon, King of Moab, was
assassinated by Ehud; Absalom was hung by his hair, and pierced with
three darts; King Nadab, the son of Jeroboam, was killed by Baasa; King
Ela by Zimri; Ahaziah by Jehu; Athaliah by Jehoiada; the Kings
Jehoiakim, Jeconiah, and Zedekiah, were led into captivity. You know how
perished Croesus, Astyages, Darius, Dionysius of Syracuse, Pyrrhus,
Perseus, Hannibal, Jugurtha, Ariovistus, Caesar, Pompey, Nero, Otho,
Vitellius, Domitian, Richard II. of England, Edward II. , Henry VI. ,
Richard III. , Mary Stuart, Charles I. , the three Henrys of France, the
Emperor Henry IV. ! You know----"

"I know also," said Candide, "that we must cultivate our garden. "

"You are right," said Pangloss, "for when man was first placed in the
Garden of Eden, he was put there _ut operaretur eum_, that he might
cultivate it; which shows that man was not born to be idle. "

"Let us work," said Martin, "without disputing; it is the only way to
render life tolerable. "

The whole little society entered into this laudable design, according to
their different abilities. Their little plot of land produced plentiful
crops. Cunegonde was, indeed, very ugly, but she became an excellent
pastry cook; Paquette worked at embroidery; the old woman looked after
the linen. They were all, not excepting Friar Giroflee, of some service
or other; for he made a good joiner, and became a very honest man.

Pangloss sometimes said to Candide:

"There is a concatenation of events in this best of all possible worlds:
for if you had not been kicked out of a magnificent castle for love of
Miss Cunegonde: if you had not been put into the Inquisition: if you had
not walked over America: if you had not stabbed the Baron: if you had
not lost all your sheep from the fine country of El Dorado: you would
not be here eating preserved citrons and pistachio-nuts. "

"All that is very well," answered Candide, "but let us cultivate our
garden. "




FOOTNOTES:

[1] P. 2. The name Pangloss is derived from two Greek words signifying
"all" and "language. "

[2] P. 8. The Abares were a tribe of Tartars settled on the shores of
the Danube, who later dwelt in part of Circassia.

[3] P. 15. Venereal disease was said to have been first brought from
Hispaniola, in the West Indies, by some followers of Columbus who were
later employed in the siege of Naples. From this latter circumstance it
was at one time known as the Neapolitan disease.

[4] P. 19. The great earthquake of Lisbon happened on the first of
November, 1755.

[5] P. 20. Such was the aversion of the Japanese to the Christian faith
that they compelled Europeans trading with their islands to trample on
the cross, renounce all marks of Christianity, and swear that it was not
their religion. See chap. xi. of the voyage to Laputa in Swift's
_Gulliver's Travels_.

[6] P. 23. This _auto-da-fe_ actually took place, some months after the
earthquake, on June 20, 1756.

[7] P. 23. The rejection of bacon convicting them, of course, of being
Jews, and therefore fitting victims for an _auto-da-fe_.

[8] P. 24. The _San-benito_ was a kind of loose over-garment painted
with flames, figures of devils, the victim's own portrait, etc. , worn by
persons condemned to death by the Inquisition when going to the stake on
the occasion of an _auto-da-fe_. Those who expressed repentance for
their errors wore a garment of the same kind covered with flames
directed downwards, while that worn by Jews, sorcerers, and renegades
bore a St. Andrew's cross before and behind.

[9] P. 26. "This Notre-Dame is of wood; every year she weeps on the day
of her _fete_, and the people weep also. One day the preacher, seeing a
carpenter with dry eyes, asked him how it was that he did not dissolve
in tears when the Holy Virgin wept. 'Ah, my reverend father,' replied
he, 'it is I who refastened her in her niche yesterday. I drove three
great nails through her behind; it is then she would have wept if she
had been able. '"--Voltaire, _Melanges_.

[10] P. 42. The following posthumous note of Voltaire's was first added
to M. Beuchot's edition of his works issued in 1829; "See the extreme
discretion of the author; there has not been up to the present any Pope
named Urban X. ; he feared to give a bastard to a known Pope. What
circumspection! What delicacy of conscience! " The last Pope Urban was
the eighth, and he died in 1644.

[11] P. 45. Muley-Ismael was Emperor of Morocco from 1672 to 1727, and
was a notoriously cruel tyrant.

[12] P. 47. "Oh, what a misfortune to be an eunuch! "

[13] P. 48. Carlo Broschi, called Farinelli, an Italian singer, born at
Naples in 1705, without being exactly Minister, governed Spain under
Ferdinand VI. ; he died in 1782. He has been made one of the chief
persons in one of the comic operas of MM. Auber and Scribe.

[14] P. 53.
Jean Robeck, a Swede, who was born in 1672, will be found
mentioned in Rousseau's _Nouvelle Heloise_. He drowned himself in the
Weser at Bremen in 1729, and was the author of a Latin treatise on
voluntary death, first printed in 1735.

[15] P. 60. A spontoon was a kind of half-pike, a military weapon
carried by officers of infantry and used as a medium for signalling
orders to the regiment.

[16] P. 64. Later Voltaire substituted the name of the Father Croust for
that of Didrie. Of Croust he said in the _Dictionnaire Philosophique_
that he was "the most brutal of the Society. "

[17] P. 68. By the _Journal of Trevoux_ Voltaire meant a critical
periodical printed by the Jesuits at Trevoux under the title of
_Memoires pour servir a l'Historie des Sciences et des Beaux-Arts_. It
existed from 1701 until 1767, during which period its title underwent
many changes.

[18] P. 76. It has been suggested that Voltaire, in speaking of red
sheep, referred to the llama, a South American ruminant allied to the
camel. These animals are sometimes of a reddish colour, and were notable
as pack-carriers and for their fleetness.

[19] P. 78. The first English translator curiously gives "a tourene of
bouilli that weighed two hundred pounds," as the equivalent of "_un
contour bouilli qui pesait deux cent livres_. " The French editor of the
1869 reprint points out that the South American vulture, or condor, is
meant; the name of this bird, it may be added, is taken from "_cuntur_,"
that given it by the aborigines.

[20] P. 90. Spanish half-crowns.

[21] P. 99. _Socinians_; followers of the teaching of Lalius and Faustus
Socinus (16th century), which denied the doctrine of the Trinity, the
deity of Christ, the personality of the devil, the native and total
depravity of man, the vicarious atonement and eternal punishment. The
Socinians are now represented by the Unitarians. _Manicheans_; followers
of Manes or Manichaeus (3rd century), a Persian who maintained that there
are two principles, the one good and the other evil, each equally
powerful in the government of the world.

[22] P. 107. In the 1759 editions, in place of the long passage in
brackets from here to page 215, there was only the following: "'Sir,'
said the Perigordian Abbe to him, 'have you noticed that young person
who has so roguish a face and so fine a figure? You may have her for ten
thousand francs a month, and fifty thousand crowns in diamonds. ' 'I have
only a day or two to give her,' answered Candide, 'because I have a
rendezvous at Venice. ' In the evening after supper the insinuating
Perigordian redoubled his politeness and attentions. "

[23] P. 108. The play referred to is supposed to be "Le Comte d'Essex,"
by Thomas Corneille.

[24] P. 108. In France actors were at one time looked upon as
excommunicated persons, not worthy of burial in holy ground or with
Christian rites. In 1730 the "honours of sepulture" were refused to
Mademoiselle Lecouvreur (doubtless the Miss Monime of this passage).
Voltaire's miscellaneous works contain a paper on the matter.

[25] P. 109. Elie-Catherine Freron was a French critic (1719-1776) who
incurred the enmity of Voltaire. In 1752 Freron, in _Lettres sur
quelques ecrits du temps_, wrote pointedly of Voltaire as one who chose
to be all things to all men, and Voltaire retaliated by references such
as these in _Candide_.

[26] P. 111. Gabriel Gauchat (1709-1779), French ecclesiastical writer,
was author of a number of works on religious subjects.

[27] P. 112. Nicholas Charles Joseph Trublet (1697-1770) was a French
writer whose criticism of Voltaire was revenged in passages such as this
one in _Candide_, and one in the _Pauvre Diable_ beginning:

L'abbe Trublet avait alors le rage
D'etre a Paris un petit personage.

[28] P. 120. Damiens, who attempted the life of Louis XV. in 1757, was
born at Arras, capital of Artois (Atrebatie).

[29] P. 120. On May 14, 1610, Ravaillac assassinated Henry VI.

[30] P. 120. On December 27, 1594, Jean Chatel attempted to assassinate
Henry IV.

[31] P. 122. This same curiously inept criticism of the war which cost
France her American provinces occurs in Voltaire's _Memoirs_, wherein he
says, "In 1756 England made a piratical war upon France for some acres
of snow. " See also his _Precis du Siecle de Louis_ XV.

[32] P. 123. Admiral Byng was shot on March 14, 1757.

[33] P. 129. Commenting upon this passage, M. Sarcey says admirably:
"All is there! In those ten lines Voltaire has gathered all the griefs
and all the terrors of these creatures; the picture is admirable for its
truth and power! But do you not feel the pity and sympathy of the
painter? Here irony becomes sad, and in a way an avenger. Voltaire cries
out with horror against the society which throws some of its members
into such an abyss. He has his 'Bartholomew' fever; we tremble with him
through contagion. "

[34] P. 142. The following particulars of the six monarchs may prove not
uninteresting. Achmet III. (_b. _ 1673, _d. _ 1739) was dethroned in 1730.
Ivan VI. (_b. _ 1740, _d. _ 1762) was dethroned in 1741. Charles Edward
Stuart, the Pretender (_b. _ 1720, _d. _ 1788). Auguste III. (_b. _ 1696,
_d. _ 1763). Stanislaus (_b. _ 1682, _d. _ 1766). Theodore (_b. _ 1690, _d. _
1755). It will be observed that, although quite impossible for the six
kings ever to have met, five of them might have been made to do so
without any anachronism.

[35] P. 149. Francois Leopold Ragotsky (1676-1735).

* * * * *

+------------------------------------------------------------+
| Typographical errors corrected in text: |
| |
| Page xiv: Chapter XIII heading in Table of Contents |
| amended to match chapter heading on page 54. |
| Page 2: metaphysicotheo-logico-cosmolo-nigology |
| amended to metaphysico-theologico-cosmolo-nigology. |
| Page 158: Liebnitz amended to Leibnitz. |
| Page 168: perserved amended to preserved. |
| Page 172: rougish amended to roguish; crows amended to |
| crowns. |
| |
| Where there is an equal number of instances of a word |
| being hyphenated and unhyphenated, both versions |
| of the word have been retained: dung-hill/dunghill; |
| and new-comers/newcomers. |
| |
| A single footnote on page 90 has been moved |
| to the endnotes, and the notes numbers re-indexed. A |
| page reference was added to the moved footnote to |
| match the format of other endnotes. |
| |
| Modern Library blurb: "mail complete list of titles" left |
| as is. |
| |
| There are two instances of Massa Carara (pp. 43 and 45) |
| and one instance of Massa-Carrara (page ix). As this |
| latter is in the Introduction, i. e. distinct from the book |
| proper, it has been retained. |
| |
| The different spellings of Cunegonde (which occurs only |
| in the Introduction) and Robeck (which occurs in the |
| Notes [p. 170]; spelt Robek in the text [p. 53]) have |
| been retained for the same reason. |
| |
+------------------------------------------------------------+

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