No More Learning

(Looking round the room. ) I can't think of anything. You're
always helping me you know.

Mrs. G. Am I? How?

Capt. G. You are of course, and as long as you're near me--I can't
explain exactly, but it's in the air.

Mrs. G. And that's why you wanted to send me away?

Capt. G. That's only when I'm trying to do work--grubby work like this.

Mrs. G. Mafflin's better, then, isn't he?

Capt. G. (Rashly. ) Of course he is. Jack and I have been thinking along
the same groove for two or three years about this equipment. It's our
hobby, and it may really be useful some day.

Mrs. G. (After a pause. ) And that's all that you have away from me?

Capt. G. It isn't very far away from you now. Take care the oil on that
bit doesn't come off on your dress.

Mrs. G. I wish--I wish so much that I could really help you. I believe I
could--if I left the room. But that's not what I mean.

Capt. G. (Aside. ) Give me patience! I wish she would go. (Aloud. ) I
assure you you can't do anything for me, Minnie, and I must really
settle down to this. Where's my pouch?

Mrs. G. (Crossing to writing-table. ) Here you are, Bear. What a mess you
keep your table in!

Capt. G. Don' ttouch it. There's a method in my madness, though you
mightn't think of it.

Mrs. G. (At table. ) I want to look--Do you keep accounts, Pip?

Capt. G. (Bending over saddlery. ) Of a sort. Are you rummaging among the
Troop papers? Be careful.

Mrs. G. Why? I sha'n't disturb anything. Good gracious! I had no idea
that you had anything to do with so many sick horses.

Capt. G. 'Wish I hadn't, but they insist on falling sick. Minnie, if
1 were you I really should not investigate those papers. You may come
across something that you won't like.

Mrs. G. Why will you always treat me like a child? I know I'm not
displacing the horrid things.

Capt. G. (Resignedly. ) Very well, then. Don't blame me if anything
happens. Play with the table and let me go on with the saddlery.
(Slipping hand into trousers-pocket. ) Oh, the deuce!

Mrs. G. (Her back to G. ) What's that for?

Capt. G. Nothing. (Aside. ) There's not much in it, but I wish I'd torn
it up.

Mrs. G. (Turning over contents of table. ) I know you'll hate me for
this; but I do want to see what your work is like. (A pause. ) Pip, what
are "farcybuds"?

Capt. G. Hah! Would you really like to know? They aren't pretty things.

Mrs. G. This Journal of Veterinary Science says they are of "absorbing
interest. " Tell me.

Capt. G. (Aside. ) It may turn her attention.

Gives a long and designedly loathsome account of glanders and farcy.

Mrs. G. Oh, that's enough. Don't go on!

Capt. G. But you wanted to know--Then these things suppurate and
matterate and spread--

Mrs. G. Pin, you're making me sick! You're a horrid, disgusting
schoolboy.

Capt. G. (On his knees among the bridles. ) You asked to be told. It's
not my fault if you worry me into talking about horrors.

Mrs. G. Why didn't you say No?

Capt. G. Good Heavens, child! Have you come in here simply to bully me?

Mrs. G. I bully you? How could I! You're so strong. (Hysterically. )
Strong enough to pick me up and put me outside the door and leave me
there to cry. Aren't you?

Capt. G. It seems to me that you're an irrational little baby. Are you
quite well?

Mrs. G. Do I look ill? (Returning to table). Who is your lady friend
with the big grey envelope and the fat monogram outside?

Capt. G. (Aside. ) Then it wasn't locked up, confound it. (Aloud. )
"God made her, therefore let her pass for a woman. " You remember what
farcybuds are like?

Mrs. G. (Showing envelope. ) This has nothing to do with them. I'm going
to open it. May I?

Capt. G. Certainly, if you want to. I'd sooner you didn't though. I
don't ask to look at your letters to the Deercourt girl.

Mrs. G. You'd better not, Sir! (Takes letter from envelope. ) Now, may I
look? If you say no, I shall cry.

Capt. G. You've never cried in my knowledge of you, and I don't believe
you could.

Mrs. G. I feel very like it today, Pip. Don't be hard on me. (Reads
letter. ) It begins in the middle, without any "Dear Captain Gadsby," or
anything. How funny!

Capt. G. (Aside. ) No, it's not Dear Captain Gadsby, or anything, now.
How funny!

Mrs. G. What a strange letter! (Reads. ) "And so the moth has come
too near the candle at last, and has been singed into--shall I say
Respectability?
I congratulate him, and hope he will be as happy as he
deserves to be. " What does that mean? Is she congratulating you about
our marriage?

Capt. G. Yes, I suppose so.

Mrs. G. (Still reading letter. ) She seems to be a particular friend of
yours.

Capt. G. Yes. She was an excellent matron of sorts--a Mrs.
Herriott--wife of a Colonel Herriott. I used to know some of her people
at Home long ago--before I came out.

Mrs. G. Some Colonel's wives are young--as young as me. I knew one who
was younger.

Capt. G. Then it couldn't have been Mrs. Herriott. She was old enough to
have been your mother, dear.

Mrs. G. I remember now. Mrs. Scargill was talking about her at the
Dutfins' tennis, before you came for me, on Tuesday. Captain Mafflin
said she was a "dear old woman. " Do you know, I think Mafflin is a very
clumsy man with his feet.

Capt. G. (Aside. ) Good old Jack! (Aloud. ) Why, dear?

Mrs. G. He had put his cup down on the ground then, and he literally
stepped into it. Some of the tea spirted over my dress--the grey one. I
meant to tell you about it before.

Capt. G. (Aside. ) There are the makings of a strategist about Jack
though his methods are coarse. (Aloud. ) You'd better get a new dress,
then. (Aside. ) Let us pray that that will turn her.

Mrs. G. Oh, it isn't stained in the least. I only thought that I'd tell
you. (Returning to letter. ) What an extraordinary person! (Reads. )
"But need I remind you that you have taken upon yourself a charge of
wardship"--what in the world is a charge of wardship? --"which as you
yourself know, may end in Consequences"--

Capt. G. (Aside. ) It's safest to let em see everything as they come
across it; but 'seems to me that there are exceptions to the rule.
(Aloud. ) I told you that there was nothing to be gained from rearranging
my table.

Mrs. G. (Absently. ) What does the woman mean? She goes on talking about
Consequences--"almost inevitable Consequences" with a capital C--for
half a page. (Flushing scarlet. ) Oh, good gracious! How abominable!

Capt. G. (Promptly. ) Do you think so? Doesn't it show a sort of motherly
interest in us? (Aside. ) Thank Heaven. Harry always wrapped her meaning
up safely! (Aloud. ) Is it absolutely necessary to go on with the letter,
darling?

Mrs. G. It's impertinent--it's simply horrid. What right has this woman
to write in this way to you? She oughtn't to.

Capt. G. When you write to the Deercourt girl, I notice that you
generally fill three or four sheets. Can't you let an old woman babble
on paper once in a way? She means well.

Mrs. G. I don't care. She shouldn't write, and if she did, you ought to
have shown me her letter.

Capt. G. Can't you understand why I kept it to myself, or must I explain
at length--as I explained the farcybuds?

Mrs. G. (Furiously. ) Pip I hate you! This is as bad as those idiotic
saddle-bags on the floor. Never mind whether it would please me or not,
you ought to have given it to me to read.

Capt. G. It comes to the same thing. You took it yourself.

Mrs. G. Yes, but if I hadn't taken it, you wouldn't have said a word.
I think this Harriet Herriott--it's like a name in a book--is an
interfering old Thing.

Capt. G. (Aside. ) So long as you thoroughly understand that she is old,
I don't much care what you think. (Aloud. ) Very good, dear. Would you
like to write and tell her so? She's seven thousand miles away.

Mrs. G. I don't want to have anything to do with her, but you ought to
have told me. (Turning to last page of letter. ) And she patronizes me,
too. I've never seen her! (Reads. ) "I do not know how the world stands
with you; in all human probability I shall never know; but whatever I
may have said before, I pray for her sake more than for yours that all
may be well. I have learned what misery means, and I dare not wish that
any one dear to you should share my knowledge. "

Capt. G. Good God! Can't you leave that letter alone, or, at least,
can't you refrain from reading it aloud? I've been through it once. Put
it back on the desk. Do you hear me?

Mrs. G. (Irresolutely. ) I sh-sha'n't! (Looks at G. 's eyes. ) Oh, Pip,
please! I didn't mean to make you angry--'Deed, I didn't. Pip, I'm so
sorry. I know I've wasted your time--

Capt. G. (Grimly. ) You have. Now, will you be good enough to go--if
there is nothing more in my room that you are anxious to pry into?

Mrs. G. (Putting out her hands. ) Oh, Pip, don't look at me like that!
I've never seen you look like that before and it hu-urts me! I'm sorry.
I oughtn't to have been here at all, and--and--and--(sobbing. ) Oh, be
good to me! Be good to me! There's only you--anywhere! Breaks down in
long chair, hiding face in cushions.

Capt. G. (Aside. ) She doesn't know how she flicked me on the raw.
(Aloud, bending over chair. ) I didn't mean to be harsh, dear--I didn't
really. You can stay here as long as you please, and do what you please.
Don't cry like that. You'll make yourself sick. (Aside. ) What on earth
has come over her? (Aloud. ) Darling, what's the matter with you?

Mrs. G. (Her face still hidden. ) Let me go--let me go to my own room.
Only--only say you aren't angry with me.

Capt. G. Angry with you, love! Of course not. I was angry with myself.
I'd lost my temper over the saddlery--Don't hide your face, Pussy. I
want to kiss it.

Bends lower, Mrs. G. slides right arm round his neck. Several interludes
and much sobbing.

Mrs. G. (In a whisper. ) I didn't mean about the jam when I came in to
tell you-- CAPT. G. Bother the jam and the equipment! (Interlude. )

Mrs. G.