No More Learning

Was ever man so crossed as I am[? ] everything conspiring to
fret me! I had not been involved in matrimony a fortnight[,] before
her Father--a hale and hearty man, died on purpose, I believe--for the
Pleasure of plaguing me with the care of his Daughter . . . but here
comes my Helpmate! --She appears in great good humour----how happy I
should be if I could teaze her into loving me tho' but a little----

Enter LADY TEAZLE

LADY TEAZLE. Lud! Sir Peter I hope you haven't been quarrelling with
Maria? It isn't using me well to be ill humour'd when I am not bye--!

SIR PETER. Ah! Lady Teazle you might have the Power to make me good
humour'd at all times--

LADY TEAZLE. I am sure--I wish I had--for I want you to be in a charming
sweet temper at this moment--do be good humour'd now--and let me have
two hundred Pounds will you?

SIR PETER. Two hundred Pounds! what an't I to be in a good humour
without paying for it--but speak to me thus--and Efaith there's nothing
I could refuse you. You shall have it--but seal me a bond for the
repayment.

LADY TEAZLE. O no--there--my Note of Hand will do as well--

SIR PETER. And you shall no longer reproach me with not giving you an
independent settlement--I shall shortly surprise you--and you'll not
call me ungenerous--but shall we always live thus--hey?

LADY TEAZLE. If you--please--I'm sure I don't care how soon we leave off
quarrelling provided you'll own you were tired first--

SIR PETER. Well--then let our future contest be who shall be most
obliging.

LADY TEAZLE. I assure you Sir Peter Good Nature becomes you--you look
now as you did before we were married--when you used to walk with me
under the Elms, and tell me stories of what a Gallant you were in your
youth--and chuck me under the chin you would--and ask me if I thought I
could love an old Fellow who would deny me nothing--didn't you?

SIR PETER. Yes--yes--and you were as kind and attentive----

LADY TEAZLE. Aye so I was--and would always take your Part, when my
acquaintance used to abuse you and turn you into ridicule--

SIR PETER. Indeed!

LADY TEAZLE. Aye--and when my cousin Sophy has called you a stiff
peevish old batchelor and laugh'd at me for thinking of marrying one who
might be my Father--I have always defended you--and said I didn't think
you so ugly by any means, and that you'd make a very good sort of a
husband--

SIR PETER. And you prophesied right--and we shall certainly now be the
happiest couple----

LADY TEAZLE. And never differ again.

SIR PETER. No never--tho' at the same time indeed--my dear Lady
Teazle--you must watch your Temper very narrowly--for in all our little
Quarrels--my dear--if you recollect my Love you always began first--

LADY TEAZLE. I beg your Pardon--my dear Sir Peter--indeed--you always
gave the provocation.

SIR PETER. Now--see, my Love take care--contradicting isn't the way to
keep Friends.

LADY TEAZLE. Then don't you begin it my Love!

SIR PETER. There now--you are going on--you don't perceive[,] my Life,
that you are just doing the very thing my Love which you know always
makes me angry.

LADY TEAZLE. Nay--you know if you will be angry without any reason--my
Dear----

SIR PETER. There now you want to quarrel again.

LADY TEAZLE. No--I am sure I don't--but if you will be so peevish----

SIR PETER. There--now who begins first?

LADY TEAZLE. Why you to be sure--I said nothing[--]but there's no
bearing your Temper.

SIR PETER. No--no--my dear--the fault's in your own temper.

LADY TEAZLE. Aye you are just what my Cousin Sophy said you would be--

SIR PETER. Your Cousin Sophy--is a forward impertinent Gipsey--

LADY TEAZLE. Go you great Bear--how dare you abuse my Relations--

SIR PETER. Now may all the Plagues of marriage be doubled on me, if ever
I try to be Friends with you any more----

LADY TEAZLE. So much the Better.

SIR PETER. No--no Madam 'tis evident you never cared a pin for me--I was
a madman to marry you--

LADY TEAZLE. And I am sure I was a Fooll to marry you--an old dangling
Batchelor, who was single of [at] fifty--only because He never could
meet with any one who would have him.

SIR PETER. Aye--aye--Madam--but you were pleased enough to listen to
me--you never had such an offer before--

LADY TEAZLE. No--didn't I refuse Sir Jeremy Terrier--who everybody
said would have been a better Match--for his estate is just as good as
yours--and he has broke his Neck since we have been married!

SIR PETER. I have done with you Madam! You are an
unfeeling--ungrateful--but there's an end of everything--I believe you
capable of anything that's bad--Yes, Madam--I now believe the Reports
relative to you and Charles--Madam--yes--Madam--you and Charles are--not
without grounds----

LADY TEAZLE. Take--care Sir Peter--you had better not insinuate any such
thing! I'll not be suspected without cause I promise you----

SIR PETER. Very--well--Madam--very well! a separate maintenance--as soon
as you Please. Yes Madam or a Divorce--I'll make an example of myself
for the Benefit of all old Batchelors--Let us separate, Madam.

LADY TEAZLE. Agreed--agreed--and now--my dear Sir Peter we are of a
mind again, we may be the happiest couple--and never differ again, you
know--ha! ha! --Well you are going to be in a Passion I see--and I shall
only interrupt you--so, bye! bye! hey--young Jockey try'd and countered.

[Exit. ]

SIR PETER. Plagues and tortures! She pretends to keep her temper, can't
I make her angry neither! O! I am the miserable fellow! But I'll not
bear her presuming to keep her Temper--No she may break my Heart--but
she shan't keep her Temper.

[Exit. ]




SCENE II. --At CHARLES's House

Enter TRIP, MOSES, and SIR OLIVER

TRIP. Here Master Moses--if you'll stay a moment--I'll try whether
Mr. ----what's the Gentleman's Name?

SIR OLIVER. Mr. ----Moses--what IS my name----

MOSES. Mr. Premium----

TRIP. Premium--very well.

[Exit TRIP--taking snuff. ]

SIR OLIVER. To judge by the Servants--one wouldn't believe the master
was ruin'd--but what--sure this was my Brother's House----

MOSES. Yes Sir Mr. Charles bought it of Mr. Joseph with the Furniture,
Pictures, &c. --just as the old Gentleman left it--Sir Peter thought it a
great piece of extravagance in him.

SIR OLIVER. In my mind the other's economy in selling it to him was more
reprehensible by half. ----

Enter TRIP

TRIP. My Master[,] Gentlemen[,] says you must wait, he has company, and
can't speak with you yet.

SIR OLIVER. If he knew who it was wanted to see him, perhaps he wouldn't
have sent such a Message.

TRIP. Yes--yes--Sir--He knows you are here--I didn't forget little
Premium--no--no----

SIR OLIVER. Very well--and pray Sir what may be your Name?

TRIP. Trip Sir--my Name is Trip, at your Service.

SIR OLIVER. Well then Mr. Trip--I presume your master is seldom without
company----

TRIP. Very seldom Sir--the world says ill-natured things of him but 'tis
all malice--no man was ever better beloved--Sir he seldom sits down to
dinner without a dozen particular Friends----

SIR OLIVER. He's very happy indeed--you have a pleasant sort of Place
here I guess?

TRIP. Why yes--here are three or four of us pass our time agreeably
enough--but then our wages are sometimes a little in arrear--and not
very great either--but fifty Pounds a year and find our own Bags and
Bouquets----

SIR OLIVER. Bags and Bouquets! --Halters and Bastinadoes! [Aside. ]

TRIP. But a propos Moses--have you been able to get me that little Bill
discounted?

SIR OLIVER. Wants to raise money too! --mercy on me! has his distresses,
I warrant[,] like a Lord--and affects Creditors and Duns! [Aside. ]

MOSES. 'Twas not be done, indeed----

TRIP. Good lack--you surprise me--My Friend Brush has indorsed it and
I thought when he put his name at the Back of a Bill 'twas as good as
cash.

MOSES. No 'twouldn't do.

TRIP. A small sum--but twenty Pound--harkee, Moses do you think you
could get it me by way of annuity?

SIR OLIVER. An annuity! ha! ha! a Footman raise money by annuity--Well
done Luxury egad! [Aside. ]

MOSES. Who would you get to join with you?

TRIP. You know my Lord Applice--you have seen him however----

MOSES. Yes----

TRIP. You must have observed what an appearance he makes--nobody dresses
better, nobody throws off faster--very well this Gentleman will stand my
security.

MOSES. Well--but you must insure your Place.

TRIP. O with all my Heart--I'll insure my Place, and my Life too, if you
please.

SIR OLIVER. It's more than I would your neck----

MOSES. But is there nothing you could deposit?

TRIP. Why nothing capital of my master's wardrobe has drop'd lately--but
I could give you a mortgage on some of his winter Cloaths with equity
of redemption before November or--you shall have the reversion--of the
French velvet, or a post obit on the Blue and Silver--these I
should think Moses--with a few Pair of Point Ruffles as a collateral
security--hey, my little Fellow?

MOSES. Well well--we'll talk presently--we detain the Gentlemen----

SIR OLIVER. O pray don't let me interrupt Mr. Trip's Negotiation.

TRIP. Harkee--I heard the Bell--I believe, Gentlemen I can now introduce
you--don't forget the annuity little Moses.

SIR OLIVER. If the man be a shadow of his Master this is the Temple of
Dissipation indeed!

[Exeunt. ]




SCENE III. --CHARLES, CARELESS, etc. , etc.

At Table with Wine

CHARLES. 'Fore Heaven, 'tis true! --there is the great Degeneracy of the
age--many of our acquaintance have Taste--Spirit, and Politeness--but
plague on't they won't drink----

CARELESS. It is so indeed--Charles--they give into all the substantial
Luxuries of the Table--and abstain from nothing but wine and wit--Oh,
certainly society suffers by it intolerably--for now instead of the
social spirit of Raillery that used to mantle over a glass of bright
Burgundy their conversation is become just like the Spa water they
drink which has all the Pertness and flatulence of champaine without its
spirit or Flavour.

FIRST GENTLEMAN. But what are they to do who love Play better than
wine----

CARELESS. True--there's Harry diets himself--for gaming and is now under
a hazard Regimen.

CHARLES. Then He'll have the worst of it--what you wouldn't train a
horse for the course by keeping him from corn--For my Part egad I am
never so successful as when I'm a little--merry--let me throw on a
Bottle of Champaine and I never lose--at least I never feel my losses
which is exactly the same thing.

SECOND GENTLEMAN. Aye that may be--but it is as impossible to follow
wine and play as to unite Love and Politics.

CHARLES. Pshaw--you may do both--Caesar made Love and Laws in a
Breath--and was liked by the Senate as well as the Ladies--but no man
can pretend to be a Believer in Love, who is an abjurer of wine--'tis
the Test by which a Lover knows his own Heart--fill a dozen Bumpers to a
dozen Beauties, and she that floats atop is the maid that has bewitched
you.

CARELESS. Now then Charles--be honest and give us yours----

CHARLES. Why I have withheld her only in compassion to you--if I toast
her you should give a round of her Peers, which is impossible! on earth!

CARELESS. O, then we'll find some canonized Vestals or heathen Goddesses
that will do I warrant----

CHARLES. Here then--Bumpers--you Rogues--Bumpers! Maria--Maria----

FIRST GENTLEMAN. Maria who?

CHARLES. Oh, damn the Surname 'tis too formal to be register'd in
Love's calendar--but now Careless beware--beware--we must have Beauty's
superlative.

FIRST GENTLEMAN. Nay Never study[,] Careless--we'll stand to the
Toast--tho' your mistress should want an eye--and you know you have a
song will excuse you----

CARELESS. Egad so I have--and I'll give him the song instead of the
Lady. ----

SONG.
--AND CHORUS--<4>

Here's to the maiden of bashful fifteen;
Here's to the widow of fifty;
Here's to the flaunting extravagant quean,
And here's to the housewife that's thrifty.
Chorus. Let the toast pass,--
Drink to the lass,
I'll warrant she'll prove an excuse for a glass.

Here's to the charmer whose dimples we prize;
Now to the maid who has none, sir;
Here's to the girl with a pair of blue eyes,
And here's to the nymph with but one, sir.
Chorus. Let the toast pass, &c.

Here's to the maid with a bosom of snow:
Now to her that's as brown as a berry:
Here's to the wife with a face full of woe,
And now to the damsel that's merry.
Chorus. Let the toast pass, &c.

For let 'em be clumsy, or let 'em be slim,
Young or ancient, I care not a feather;
So fill a pint bumper quite up to the brim,
So fill up your glasses, nay, fill to the brim,
And let us e'en toast them together.
Chorus. Let the toast pass, &c.

[Enter TRIP whispers CHARLES]

SECOND GENTLEMAN. Bravo Careless--Ther's Toast and Sentiment too.

FIRST GENTLEMAN. E' faith there's infinite charity in that song. ----

CHARLES. Gentlemen, you must excuse me a little. --Careless, take the
Chair, will you?

CARELESS. Nay prithee, Charles--what now--this is one of your Peerless
Beauties I suppose--has dropped in by chance?

CHARLES. No--Faith--to tell you the Truth 'tis a Jew and a Broker who
are come by appointment.

CARELESS. O dam it let's have the Jew in.

FIRST GENTLEMAN. Aye and the Broker too by all means----

SECOND GENTLEMAN. Yes yes the Jew and the Broker.

CHARLES. Egad with all my Heart--Trip--bid the Gentlemen walk in--tho'
there's one of them a Stranger I can tell you----

TRIP. What Sir--would you chuse Mr. Premium to come up with----

FIRST GENTLEMAN. Yes--yes Mr. Premium certainly.

CARELESS. To be sure--Mr. Premium--by all means Charles, let us give
them some generous Burgundy, and perhaps they'll grow conscientious----

CHARLES. O, Hang 'em--no--wine does but draw forth a man's natural
qualities; and to make them drink would only be to whet their Knavery.

Enter TRIP, SIR OLIVER, and MOSES

CHARLES. So--honest Moses--walk in--walk in pray Mr. Premium--that's the
Gentleman's name isn't it Moses.

MOSES. Yes Sir.

CHARLES. Set chairs--Trim. --Sit down, Mr Premium. --Glasses Trim. --sit
down Moses. --Come, Mr. Premium I'll give you a sentiment--Here's Success
to Usury--Moses fill the Gentleman a bumper.

MOSES. Success to Usury!

CARELESS. Right Moses--Usury is Prudence and industry and deserves to
succeed----

SIR OLIVER. Then Here is--all the success it deserves! [Drinks. ]

CHARLES. Mr. Premium you and I are but strangers yet--but I hope we
shall be better acquainted by and bye----

SIR OLIVER. Yes Sir hope we shall--more intimately perhaps than you'll
wish. [Aside. <5>]

CARELESS. No, no, that won't do! Mr. Premium, you have demurred at the
toast, and must drink it in a pint bumper.

FIRST GENTLEMAN. A pint bumper, at least.

MOSES. Oh, pray, sir, consider--Mr. Premium's a gentleman.

CARELESS. And therefore loves good wine.

SECOND GENTLEMAN. Give Moses a quart glass--this is mutiny, and a high
contempt for the chair.

CARELESS. Here, now for't! I'll see justice done, to the last drop of my
bottle.

SIR OLIVER. Nay, pray, gentlemen--I did not expect this usage.

CHARLES. No, hang it, you shan't; Mr. Premium's a stranger.

SIR OLIVER. Odd! I wish I was well out of their company. [Aside. ]

CARELESS. Plague on 'em then! if they won't drink, we'll not sit down
with them. Come, Harry, the dice are in the next room. --Charles, you'll
join us when you have finished your business with the gentlemen?

CHARLES. I will! I will! --

[Exeunt SIR HARRY BUMPER and GENTLEMEN; CARELESS following. ]
Careless.

CARELESS. [Returning. ] Well!

CHARLES. Perhaps I may want you.

CARELESS. Oh, you know I am always ready: word, note, or bond, 'tis all
the same to me.

[Exit. ]

MOSES. Sir, this is Mr. Premium, a gentleman of the strictest honour
and secrecy; and always performs what he undertakes. Mr. Premium, this
is----

CHARLES. Psha! have done. Sir, my friend Moses is a very honest fellow,
but a little slow at expression: he'll be an hour giving us our titles.
Mr. Premium, the plain state of the matter is this: I am an extravagant
young fellow who wants to borrow money; you I take to be a prudent old
fellow, who have got money to lend. I am blockhead enough to give fifty
per cent. sooner than not have it! and you, I presume, are rogue enough
to take a hundred if you can get it. Now, sir, you see we are acquainted
at once, and may proceed to business without further ceremony.

SIR OLIVER. Exceeding frank, upon my word. I see, sir, you are not a man
of many compliments.

CHARLES. Oh, no, sir! plain dealing in business I always think best.

SIR OLIVER. Sir, I like you the better for it. However, You are mistaken
in one thing; I have no money to lend, but I believe I could procure
some of a friend; but then he's an unconscionable dog. Isn't he, Moses?
And must sell stock to accommodate you. Mustn't he, Moses!

MOSES. Yes, indeed! You know I always speak the truth, and scorn to tell
a lie!

CHARLES. Right. People that speak truth generally do. But these are
trifles, Mr. Premium. What! I know money isn't to be bought without
paying for't!

SIR OLIVER. Well, but what security could you give? You have no land, I
suppose?

CHARLES. Not a mole-hill, nor a twig, but what's in the bough pots out
of the window!

SIR OLIVER. Nor any stock, I presume?

CHARLES. Nothing but live stock--and that's only a few pointers and
ponies. But pray, Mr. Premium, are you acquainted at all with any of my
connections?

SIR OLIVER. Why, to say the truth, I am.

CHARLES. Then you must know that I have a devilish rich uncle in
the East Indies, Sir Oliver Surface, from whom I have the greatest
expectations?

SIR OLIVER. That you have a wealthy uncle, I have heard; but how your
expectations will turn out is more, I believe, than you can tell.

CHARLES. Oh, no! --there can be no doubt. They tell me I'm a prodigious
favourite, and that he talks of leaving me everything.

SIR OLIVER. Indeed! this is the first I've heard of it.

CHARLES. Yes, yes, 'tis just so. Moses knows 'tis true; don't you,
Moses?

MOSES. Oh, yes! I'll swear to't.

SIR OLIVER. Egad, they'll persuade me presently I'm at Bengal. [Aside. ]

CHARLES. Now I propose, Mr. Premium, if it's agreeable to you, a
post-obit on Sir Oliver's life: though at the same time the old fellow
has been so liberal to me, that I give you my word, I should be very
sorry to hear that anything had happened to him.

SIR OLIVER. Not more than I should, I assure you. But the bond you
mention happens to be just the worst security you could offer me--for I
might live to a hundred and never see the principal.

CHARLES. Oh, yes, you would! the moment Sir Oliver dies, you know, you
would come on me for the money.

SIR OLIVER. Then I believe I should be the most unwelcome dun you ever
had in your life.

CHARLES. What! I suppose you're afraid that Sir Oliver is too good a
life?

SIR OLIVER. No, indeed I am not; though I have heard he is as hale and
healthy as any man of his years in Christendom.

CHARLES. There again, now, you are misinformed. No, no, the climate has
hurt him considerably, poor uncle Oliver. Yes, yes, he breaks apace, I'm
told--and is so much altered lately that his nearest relations would not
know him.

SIR OLIVER. No! Ha! ha! ha! so much altered lately that his nearest
relations would not know him! Ha! ha!