No More Learning

But what are you doing?

_Dr. _ I am idling, as you see; doing just nothing at all.

_Mo. _ It is better to be idle than doing of nothing; it may be I
interrupt you, being employ'd in some Matters of Consequence?

_Dr. _ No, really, entirely at Leisure; I just began to be tir'd of being
alone, and was wishing for a merry Companion.

_Mo. _ It may be I hinder, interrupt, disturb you, being about some
Business?

_Dr. _ No, you divert me, being tired with being idle.

_Mo. _ Pray pardon me if I have interrupted you unseasonably.

_Dr. _ Nay, you came very seasonably; you are come in the Nick of Time; I
was just now wishing for you; I am extreme glad of your Company.

_Mo. _ It may be you are about some serious Business, that I would by no
means interrupt or hinder?

_Dr. _ Nay, rather it is according to the old Proverb, _Talk of the Devil
and he'll appear_; for we were just now speaking of you.

_Mo. _ In short, I believe you were, for my Ear tingled mightily as I
came along.

_Dr. _ Which Ear was it?

_Mo. _ My left, from which I guess there was no Good said of me.

_Dr. _ Nay, I'll assure you there was nothing but Good said.

_Mo. _ Then the old Proverb is not true. But what good News have you?

_Dr. _ They say you are become a Huntsman.

_Mo. _ Nay, more than that, I have gotten the Game now in my Nets that I
have been hunting after.

_Dr. _ What Game is it?

_Mo. _ A pretty Girl, that I am to marry in a Day or two; and I intreat
you to honour me with your good Company at my Wedding.

_Dr. _ Pray, who is your Bride?

_Mo. Alice_, the Daughter of _Chremes_.

_Dr. _ You are a rare Fellow to chuse a Beauty for one! Can you fancy
that Black-a-top, Snub-nos'd, Sparrow-mouth'd, Paunch-belly'd Creature.

_Mo. _ Prithee hold thy Tongue, I marry her to please myself, and not
you. Pray, is it not enough that I like her? The less she pleases you,
the more she'll please me.

* * * * *

4. _SYRUS, GETA. _

_Sy. _ I wish you much Happiness.

_Ge. _ And I wish you double what you wish me.

_Sy. _ What are you doing?

_Ge. _ I am talking.

_Sy. _ What! By yourself?

_Ge. _ As you see.

_Sy. _ It may be you are talking to yourself, and then you ought to see
to it that you talk to an honest Man.

_Ge. _ Nay, I am conversing with a very facetious Companion.

_Sy. _ With whom?

_Ge. _ With _Apuleius_.

_Sy. _ That I think you are always doing, but the Muses love
Intermission; you study continually.

_Ge. _ I am never tired with Study.

_Sy. _ It may be so, but yet you ought to set Bounds; though Study ought
not to be omitted, yet it ought sometimes to be intermitted; Studies are
not to be quite thrown aside, yet they ought for a While to be laid
aside; there is nothing pleasant that wants Variety; the seldomer
Pleasures are made use of the pleasanter they are. You do nothing else
but study. You are always studying. You are continually at your Books.
You read incessantly. You study Night and Day. You never are but a
studying. You are continually at your Study. You are always intent upon
your Books. You know no End of, nor set no Bound to Study. You give
yourself no Rest from your Studies. You allow yourself no Intermission
in, nor ever give over studying.

_Ge. _ Very well! This is like you. You banter me as you use to do. You
make a Game of me. You joke upon me. You satyrize me. You treat me with
a Sneer. I see how you jeer me well enough. You only jest with me. I am
your Laughing-stock. I am laugh'd at by you. You make yourself merry
with me. You make a meer Game and Sport of me. Why don't you put me on
Asses Ears too? My Books, that are all over dusty and mouldy, shew how
hard a Studier I am.

_Sy. _ Let me die if I don't speak my Mind. Let me perish if I don't
speak as I think. Let me not live if I dissemble. I speak what I think.
I speak the Truth. I speak seriously. I speak from my Heart. I speak
nothing but what I think.

* * * * *

_Why don't you come to see me_?

_Ge. _ What's the Matter you ha'n't come to see me all this While? What's
the Matter you visit me so seldom? What has happen'd to you that you
never have come at me for so long Time? Why are you so seldom a Visitor?
What is the Meaning that you never come near one for so long Time? What
has hinder'd you that you have come to see me no oftner? What has
prevented you that you have never let me have the Opportunity of seeing
you for this long Time?

* * * * *

_I could not by Reason of Business. _

_Sy. _ I had not Leisure. I would have come, but I could not for my
Business. Business would not permit me hitherto to come to see you.
These Floods of Business that I have been plung'd in would not permit me
to pay my Respects to you. I have been so busy I could not come. I have
been harass'd with so many vexatious Matters that I could not get an
Opportunity. I have been so taken up with a troublesome Business that I
could never have so much Command of myself. You must impute it to my
Business, and not to me. It was not for Want of Will, but Opportunity. I
could not get Time till now. I have had no Time till now. I never have
had any Leisure till this Time. I have been so ill I could not come. I
could not come, the Weather has been so bad.

_Ge. _ Indeed I accept of your Excuse, but upon this Condition, that you
don't make use of it often. If Sickness has been the Occasion of your
Absence, your Excuse is juster than I wish it had been; I'll excuse you
upon this Condition, that you make Amends for your Omission by Kindness,
if you make up your past Neglect by your future frequent Visits.

_Sy. _ You don't esteem these common Formalities. Our Friendship is more
firm than to need to be supported by such vulgar Ceremonies. He visits
often enough that loves constantly.

_Ge. _ A Mischief take those Incumbrances that have depriv'd us of your
Company. I can't tell what to wish for bad enough to those Affairs that
have envy'd us the Company of so good a Friend. A Mischief take that
Fever that hath tormented us so long with the Want of you. I wish that
Fever may perish, so thou thyself wert but safe.

* * * * *

_Of Commanding and Promising. _

_JAMES, SAPIDUS. _

_Ja. _ I pray you take a special Care of this Matter. I earnestly intreat
you to take Care of this Affair. If you have any Respect for me, pray
manage this Affair diligently. Pray be very careful in this Affair. Pray
take a great Deal of Care about this Business for my Sake. If you are
indeed the Man I always took you to be, let me see in this Concern what
Esteem you have for me.

_Sa. _ Say no more, I'll dispatch this Affair for you, and that very
shortly too. I can't indeed warrant you what the Event shall be, but
this I promise you, that neither Fidelity nor Industry shall be wanting
in me. I will take more Care of it than if it were mine own Affair; tho'
indeed that which is my Friend's I account as my own. I will so manage
the Affair, that whatever is wanting, Care and Diligence shall not be
wanting. Take you no Care about the Matter, I'll do it for you. Do you
be easy, I'll take the Management of it upon myself. I am glad to have
an Opportunity put into my Hand of shewing you my Respect. I do not
promise you in Words, but I will in Reality perform whatsoever is to be
expected from a real Friend, and one that heartily wishes you well. I
won't bring you into a Fool's Paradise. I'll do that which shall give
you Occasion to say you trusted the Affair to a Friend.

* * * * *

_Success. _

_Sa. _ The Matter succeeded better than I could have expected. Fortune
has favour'd both our Wishes. If Fortune had been your Wife she could
not have been more observant to you. Your Affair went on bravely with
Wind and Tide. Fortune has out-done our very Wishes. You must needs be a
Favourite of Fortune, to whom all Things fall out just as you would have
them. I have obtain'd more than I could presume to wish for. This
Journey has been perform'd from Beginning to End with all the fortunate
Circumstances imaginable. The whole Affair has fallen out according to
our Wish. This Chance fell out happily for us. I think we have been
lucky to Admiration, that what has been so imprudently enterpriz'd, has
so happily succeeded.

* * * * *

_A giving one Thanks. _

_Ja. _ Indeed I thank you, and shall thank you heartily as long as I live
for that good Service you have done me. I can scarce give you the Thanks
you deserve, and shall never be able to make you Amends. I see how much
I am oblig'd to you for your Kindness to me. Indeed I don't wonder at
it, for it is no new Thing, and in that I am the more oblig'd to you. My
_Sapidus_ I do, and it is my Duty to love you heartily for your Kindness
to me. In as much as in this Affair you have not acted the Part of a
Courtier, I do, and always shall thank you. I respect you, and thank
you, that you made my Affair your Care. You have oblig'd me very much by
that Kindness of yours. It is a great Obligation upon me that you have
manag'd my Concern with Fidelity. Of all your Kindnesses, which are
indeed a great many, you have shew'd me none has oblig'd me more than
this. I cannot possibly make you a Return according to your Merit Too
much Ceremony between you and I is unnecessary, but that which is in my
Power I'll do. I'll be thankful as long as I live. I confess myself
highly oblig'd to you for your good Service. For this Kindness I owe you
more than I am able to pay.
By this good Office you have attach'd me to
you so firmly, that I can never be able to disengage myself. You have
laid me under so many and great Obligations, that I shall never be able
to get out of your Debt. No Slave was ever so engag'd in Duty to his
Master as you have engag'd me by this Office. You have by this good Turn
brought me more into your Debt than ever I shall be able to pay. I am
oblig'd to you upon many Accounts, but upon none more than upon this.
Thanks are due for common Kindness, but this is beyond the Power of
Thanks to retaliate.

* * * * *

_The Answer. _

_Sa. _ Forbear these Compliments, the Friendship between you and I is
greater than that we should thank one another for any Service done. I
have not bestow'd this Kindness upon you, but only made a Return of it
to you. I think the Amends is sufficiently made, if my most sedulous
Endeavours are acceptable to you. There is no Reason you should thank me
for repaying this small Kindness, for those uncommon Kindnesses I have
so often receiv'd from you. Indeed I merit no Praise, but should have
been the most ungrateful Man in the World if I had been wanting to my
Friend. Whatsoever I have, and whatsoever I can do, you may call as
much your own as any Thing that you have the best Title to. I look upon
it as a Favour that you take my Service kindly. You pay so great an
Acknowledgment to me for so small a Kindness, as tho' I did not owe you
much greater. He serves himself that serves his Friend. He that serves a
Friend does not give away his Service, but puts it out to Interest. If
you approve of my Service, pray make frequent Use of it; then I shall
think my Service is acceptable, if as often as you have Occasion for it
you would not request but command it.




_OF RASH VOWS. _


The ARGUMENT.

_This Colloquy treats chiefly of three Things, 1. Of the
superstitious Pilgrimages of some Persons to_ Jerusalem,
_and other holy Places, under Pretence of Devotion. 2.
That Vows are not to be made rashly over a Pot of Ale:
but that Time, Expence and Pains ought to be employ d
otherwise, in such Matters as have a real Tendency to
promote trite Piety. 3. Of the Insignificancy and
Absurdity of Popish Indulgencies_.


ARNOLDUS, CORNELIUS.

_ARNOLDUS. _ O! _Cornelius_, well met heartily, you have been lost this
hundred Years.

_Co. _ What my old Companion _Arnoldus_, the Man I long'd to see most of
any Man in the World! God save you.

_Ar. _ We all gave thee over for lost. But prithee where hast been
rambling all this While?

_Co. _ In t'other World.

_Ar. _ Why truly a Body would think so by thy slovenly Dress, lean
Carcase, and ghastly Phyz.

_Co. _ Well, but I am just come from _Jerusalem_, not from the _Stygian_
Shades.

_Ar. _ What Wind blew thee thither?

_Co. _ What Wind blows a great many other Folks thither?

_Ar. _ Why Folly, or else I am mistaken.

_Co. _ However, I am not the only Fool in the World.

_Ar. _ What did you hunt after there?

_Co. _ Why Misery.

_Ar. _ You might have found that nearer Home. But did you meet with any
Thing worth seeing there?

_Co. _ Why truly, to speak ingenuously, little or nothing. They shew us
some certain Monuments of Antiquity, which I look upon to be most of 'em
Counterfeits, and meer Contrivances to bubble the Simple and Credulous.
I don't think they know precisely the Place that _Jerusalem_ anciently
stood in.

_Ar. _ What did you see then?

_Co. _ A great deal of Barbarity every where.

_Ar. _ But I hope you are come back more holy than you went.

_Co. _ No indeed, rather ten Times worse.

_Ar. _ Well, but then you are richer?

_Co. _ Nay, rather poorer than _Job_.

_Ar. _ But don't you repent you have taken so long a Journey to so little
Purpose?

_Co. _ No, nor I am not asham'd neither, I have so many Companions of my
Folly to keep me in Countenance; and as for Repentance, it's too late
now.

_Ar. _ What! do you get no Good then by so dangerous a Voyage?

_Co. _ Yes, a great Deal.

_Ar. _ What is it?

_Co. _ Why, I shall live more pleasantly for it for Time to come.

_Ar. _ What, because you'll have the Pleasure of telling old Stories when
the Danger is over?

_Co. _ That is something indeed, but that is not all.

_Ar. _ Is there any other Advantage in it besides that?

_Co. _ Yes, there is.

_Ar. _ What is it? Pray tell me.

_Co. _ Why, I can divert myself and Company, as oft as I have a Mind to
it, in romancing upon my Adventures over a Pot of Ale, or a good Dinner.

_Ar. _ Why, truly that is something, as you say.

_Co. _ And besides, I shall take as much Pleasure myself when I hear
others romancing about Things they never heard nor saw; nay, and that
they do with that Assurance, that when they are telling the most
ridiculous and impossible Things in Nature, they persuade themselves
they are speaking Truth all the While.

_Ar. _ This is a wonderful Pleasure. Well then, you have not lost all
your Cost and Labour, as the Saying is.

_Co. _ Nay, I think this is something better still than what they do,
who, for the sake of little Advance-money, list themselves for Soldiers
in the Army, which is the Nursery of all Impiety.

_Ar. _ But it is an ungentleman-like Thing to take Delight in telling
Lies.

_Co. _ But it is a little more like a Gentleman than either to delight
others, or be delighted in slandering other Persons, or lavishing away a
Man's Time or Substance in Gaming.

_Ar. _ Indeed I must be of your Mind in that.

_Co. _ But then there is another Advantage.

_Ar. _ What is that?

_Co. _ If there shall be any Friend that I love very well, who shall
happen to be tainted with this Phrensy, I will advise him to stay at
Home; as your Mariners that have been cast away, advise them that are
going to Sea, to steer clear of the Place where they miscarried.

_Ar. _ I wish you had been my Moniter in Time.

_Co. _ What Man! Have you been infected with this Disease too?

_Ar. _ Yes, I have been at _Rome_ and _Compostella_.

_Co. _ Good God! how I am pleas'd that you have been as great a Fool as
I! What _Pallas_ put that into your Head?

_Ar. _ No _Pallas_, but _Moria_ rather, especially when I left at Home a
handsome young Wife, several Children, and a Family, who had nothing in
the World to depend upon for a Maintenance but my daily Labour.

_Co. _ Sure it must be some important Reason that drew you away from all
these engaging Relations. Prithee tell me what it was.

_Ar. _ I am asham'd to tell it.

_Co. _ You need not be asham'd to tell me, who, you know, have been sick
of the same Distemper.

_Ar. _ There was a Knot of Neighbours of us drinking together, and when
the Wine began to work in our Noddles, one said he had a Mind to make a
Visit to St. _James_, and another to St. _Peter_; presently there was
one or two that promis'd to go with them, till at last it was concluded
upon to go all together; and I, that I might not seem a disagreeable
Companion, rather than break good Company, promised to go too. The next
Question was, whether we should go to _Rome_ or _Compostella_? Upon the
Debate it was determin'd that we should all, God willing, set out the
next Day for both Places.

_Co. _ A grave Decree, fitter to be writ in Wine than engrav'd in Brass.

_Ar. _ Presently a Bumper was put about to our good Journey, which when
every Man had taken off in his Turn, the Vote passed into an Act, and
became inviolable.

_Co. _ A new Religion! But did you all come safe back?

_Ar. _ All but three, one dy'd by the Way, and gave us in Charge to give
his humble Service to _Peter_ and _James_; another dy'd at _Rome_, who
bad us remember him to his Wife and Children; and the third we left at
_Florence_ dangerously ill, and I believe he is in Heaven before now.

_Co. _ Was he so good a Man then?

_Ar. _ The veriest Droll in Nature.

_Co. _ Why do you think he is in Heaven then?

_Ar. _ Because he had a whole Satchel full of large Indulgencies.

_Co. _ I understand you, but it is a long Way to Heaven, and a very
dangerous one too, as I am told, by reason of the little Thieves that
infest the middle Region of the Air.

_Ar. _ That's true, but he was well fortify'd with Bulls.

_Co. _ What Language were they written in?

_Ar. _ In _Latin_.

_Co. _ And will they secure him?

_Ar. _ Yes, unless he should happen upon some Spirit that does not
understand _Latin_, in that Case he must go back to _Rome_, and get a
new Passport.

_Co. _ Do they sell Bulls there to dead Men too?

_Ar. _ Yes.

_Co. _ But by the Way, let me advise you to have a Care what you say, for
now there are a great many Spies abroad.

_Ar. _ I don't speak slightingly of Indulgencies themselves, but I laugh
at the Folly of my fuddling Companion, who tho' he was the greatest
Trifler that ever was born, yet chose rather to venture the whole Stress
of his Salvation upon a Skin of Parchment than upon the Amendment of his
Life. But when shall we have that merry Bout you spoke of just now?

_Co. _ When Opportunity offers we'll set a Time for a small Collation,
and invite some of our Comrades, there we will tell Lies, who can lye
fastest, and divert one another with Lies till we have our Bellies full.

_Ar. _ Come on, a Match.




_OF BENEFICE-HUNTERS. _


The ARGUMENT.

_In this Colloquy those Persons are reprehended that run
to and again to_ Rome _hunting after Benefices, and that
oftentimes with the Hazard of the Corruption of their
Morals, and the Loss of their Money. The Clergy are
admonished to divert themselves with reading of good
Books, rather than with a Concubine. Jocular Discourse
concerning a long Nose_.


PAMPHAGUS, COCLES.

_PAM. _ Either my Sight fails me, or this is my old Pot-Companion
_Cocles_.

_Co. _ No, no, your Eyes don't deceive you at all, you see a Companion
that is yours heartily. Nobody ever thought to have seen you again, you
have been gone so many Years, and no Body knew what was become of you.
But whence come you from?