No More Learning

ROWLEY. I understand you--but then you must be very careful not to
differ while He's in the House with you.

SIR PETER. Egad--and so we must--that's impossible. Ah! Master Rowley
when an old Batchelor marries a young wife--He deserves--no the crime
carries the Punishment along with it.

[Exeunt. ]

END OF THE FIRST ACT




ACT II




SCENE I. --SIR PETER and LADY TEAZLE

SIR PETER. Lady Teazle--Lady Teazle I'll not bear it.

LADY TEAZLE. Sir Peter--Sir Peter you--may scold or smile, according to
your Humour[,] but I ought to have my own way in everything, and what's
more I will too--what! tho' I was educated in the country I know very
well that women of Fashion in London are accountable to nobody after
they are married.

SIR PETER. Very well! ma'am very well! so a husband is to have no
influence, no authority?

LADY TEAZLE. Authority! no, to be sure--if you wanted authority over me,
you should have adopted me and not married me[:] I am sure you were old
enough.

SIR PETER. Old enough--aye there it is--well--well--Lady Teazle, tho'
my life may be made unhappy by your Temper--I'll not be ruined by your
extravagance--

LADY TEAZLE. My extravagance! I'm sure I'm not more extravagant than a
woman of Fashion ought to be.

SIR PETER. No no Madam, you shall throw away no more sums on such
unmeaning Luxury--'Slife to spend as much to furnish your Dressing Room
with Flowers in winter as would suffice to turn the Pantheon into a
Greenhouse, and give a Fete Champetre at Christmas.

LADY TEAZLE. Lord! Sir Peter am I to blame because Flowers are dear in
cold weather? You should find fault with the Climate, and not with me.
For my Part I'm sure I wish it was spring all the year round--and that
Roses grew under one's Feet!

SIR PETER. Oons! Madam--if you had been born to those Fopperies I
shouldn't wonder at your talking thus;--but you forget what your
situation was when I married you--

LADY TEAZLE. No, no, I don't--'twas a very disagreeable one or I should
never nave married you.

SIR PETER. Yes, yes, madam, you were then in somewhat a humbler
Style--the daughter of a plain country Squire. Recollect Lady Teazle
when I saw you first--sitting at your tambour in a pretty figured linen
gown--with a Bunch of Keys at your side, and your apartment hung round
with Fruits in worsted, of your own working--

LADY TEAZLE. O horrible! --horrible! --don't put me in mind of it!

SIR PETER. Yes, yes Madam and your daily occupation to inspect
the Dairy, superintend the Poultry, make extracts from the Family
Receipt-book, and comb your aunt Deborah's Lap Dog.

LADY TEAZLE. Abominable!

SIR PETER. Yes Madam--and what were your evening amusements? to draw
Patterns for Ruffles, which you hadn't the materials to make--play Pope
Joan with the Curate--to read a sermon to your Aunt--or be stuck down to
an old Spinet to strum your father to sleep after a Fox Chase.

LADY TEAZLE. Scandalous--Sir Peter not a word of it true--

SIR PETER. Yes, Madam--These were the recreations I took you from--and
now--no one more extravagantly in the Fashion--Every Fopery adopted--a
head-dress to o'er top Lady Pagoda with feathers pendant horizontal and
perpendicular--you forget[,] Lady Teazle--when a little wired gauze with
a few Beads made you a fly Cap not much bigger than a blew-bottle, and
your Hair was comb'd smooth over a Roll--

LADY TEAZLE. Shocking! horrible Roll! !

SIR PETER. But now--you must have your coach--Vis-a-vis, and three
powder'd Footmen before your Chair--and in the summer a pair of white
cobs to draw you to Kensington Gardens--no recollection when y ou were
content to ride double, behind the Butler, on a docked Coach-Horse?

LADY TEAZLE. Horrid! --I swear I never did.

SIR PETER. This, madam, was your situation--and what have I not done
for you? I have made you woman of Fashion of Fortune of Rank--in short I
have made you my wife.

LADY TEAZLE. Well then and there is but one thing more you can make me
to add to the obligation.

SIR PETER. What's that pray?

LADY TEAZLE. Your widow. --

SIR PETER. Thank you Madam--but don't flatter yourself for though your
ill-conduct may disturb my Peace it shall never break my Heart I promise
you--however I am equally obliged to you for the Hint.

LADY TEAZLE. Then why will you endeavour to make yourself so
disagreeable to me--and thwart me in every little elegant expense.

SIR PETER. 'Slife--Madam I pray, had you any of these elegant expenses
when you married me?

LADY TEAZLE. Lud Sir Peter would you have me be out of the Fashion?

SIR PETER. The Fashion indeed! --what had you to do with the Fashion
before you married me?

LADY TEAZLE. For my Part--I should think you would like to have your
wife thought a woman of Taste--

SIR PETER. Aye there again--Taste! Zounds Madam you had no Taste when
you married me--

LADY TEAZLE. That's very true indeed Sir Peter! after having married you
I should never pretend to Taste again I allow.

SIR PETER. So--so then--Madam--if these are your Sentiments pray how
came I to be honour'd with your Hand?

LADY TEAZLE. Shall I tell you the Truth?

SIR PETER. If it's not too great a Favour.

LADY TEAZLE. Why the Fact is I was tired of all those agreeable
Recreations which you have so good naturally [naturedly] Described--and
having a Spirit to spend and enjoy a Fortune--I determined to marry the
first rich man that would have me.

SIR PETER. A very honest confession--truly--but pray madam was there no
one else you might have tried to ensnare but me.

LADY TEAZLE. O lud--I drew my net at several but you were the only one I
could catch.

SIR PETER. This is plain dealing indeed--

LADY TEAZLE. But now Sir Peter if we have finish'd our daily Jangle I
presume I may go to my engagement at Lady Sneerwell's?

SIR PETER. Aye--there's another Precious circumstance--a charming set of
acquaintance--you have made there!

LADY TEAZLE. Nay Sir Peter they are People of Rank and Fortune--and
remarkably tenacious of reputation.

SIR PETER. Yes egad they are tenacious of Reputation with a vengeance,
for they don't chuse anybody should have a Character but themselves!
Such a crew! Ah! many a wretch has rid on hurdles who has done less
mischief than these utterers of forged Tales, coiners of Scandal, and
clippers of Reputation.

LADY TEAZLE. What would you restrain the freedom of speech?

SIR PETER. Aye they have made you just as bad [as] any one of the
Society.

LADY TEAZLE. Why--I believe I do bear a Part with a tolerable Grace--But
I vow I bear no malice against the People I abuse, when I say an
ill-natured thing, 'tis out of pure Good Humour--and I take it for
granted they deal exactly in the same manner with me, but Sir Peter you
know you promised to come to Lady Sneerwell's too.

SIR PETER. Well well I'll call in, just to look after my own character.

LADY TEAZLE. Then, indeed, you must make Haste after me, or you'll be
too late--so good bye to ye.

SIR PETER. So--I have gain'd much by my intended expostulation--yet
with what a charming air she contradicts every thing I say--and how
pleasingly she shows her contempt of my authority--Well tho' I can't
make her love me, there is certainly a great satisfaction in quarrelling
with her; and I think she never appears to such advantage as when she is
doing everything in her Power to plague me.

[Exit. ]




SCENE II. --At LADY SNEERWELL'S

LADY SNEERWELL, MRS. CANDOUR, CRABTREE, SIR BENJAMIN BACKBITE,
and SURFACE

LADY SNEERWELL. Nay, positively, we will hear it.

SURFACE. Yes--yes the Epigram by all means.

SiR BENJAMIN. O plague on't unkle--'tis mere nonsense--

CRABTREE. No no; 'fore gad very clever for an extempore!

SIR BENJAMIN. But ladies you should be acquainted with the
circumstances. You must know that one day last week as Lady Betty
Curricle was taking the Dust in High Park, in a sort of duodecimo
Phaeton--she desired me to write some verses on her Ponies--upon which I
took out my Pocket-Book--and in one moment produced--the following:--

'Sure never were seen two such beautiful Ponies;
Other Horses are Clowns--and these macaronies,
Nay to give 'em this Title, I'm sure isn't wrong,
Their Legs are so slim--and their Tails are so long.

CRABTREE. There Ladies--done in the smack of a whip and on Horseback
too.

SURFACE. A very Phoebus, mounted--indeed Sir Benjamin.

SIR BENJAMIN. Oh dear Sir--Trifles--Trifles.

Enter LADY TEAZLE and MARIA

MRS. CANDOUR. I must have a Copy--

LADY SNEERWELL. Lady Teazle--I hope we shall see Sir Peter?

LADY TEAZLE. I believe He'll wait on your Ladyship presently.

LADY SNEERWELL. Maria my love you look grave. Come, you sit down to
Piquet with Mr. Surface.

MARIA. I take very little Pleasure in cards--however, I'll do as you
Please.

LADY TEAZLE. I am surprised Mr. Surface should sit down her--I thought
He would have embraced this opportunity of speaking to me before Sir
Peter came--[Aside. ]

MRS. CANDOUR. Now, I'll die but you are so scandalous I'll forswear your
society.

LADY TEAZLE. What's the matter, Mrs. Candour?

MRS. CANDOUR. They'll not allow our friend Miss Vermillion to be
handsome.

LADY SNEERWELL. Oh, surely she is a pretty woman. . . .

[CRABTREE. ] I am very glad you think so ma'am.

MRS. CANDOUR. She has a charming fresh Colour.

CRABTREE. Yes when it is fresh put on--

LADY TEAZLE. O fie! I'll swear her colour is natural--I have seen it
come and go--

CRABTREE. I dare swear you have, ma'am: it goes of a Night, and comes
again in the morning.

SIR BENJAMIN. True, uncle, it not only comes and goes but what's more
egad her maid can fetch and carry it--

MRS. CANDOUR. Ha! ha! ha! how I hate to hear you talk so! But surely,
now, her Sister, is or was very handsome.

CRABTREE. Who? Mrs. Stucco? O lud! she's six-and-fifty if she's an hour!

MRS. CANDOUR. Now positively you wrong her[;] fifty-two, or fifty-three
is the utmost--and I don't think she looks more.

SIR BENJAMIN. Ah! there's no judging by her looks, unless one was to see
her Face.

LADY SNEERWELL.
Well--well--if she does take some pains to repair the
ravages of Time--you must allow she effects it with great ingenuity--and
surely that's better than the careless manner in which the widow Ocre
chaulks her wrinkles.

SIR BENJAMIN. Nay now--you are severe upon the widow--come--come, it
isn't that she paints so ill--but when she has finished her Face she
joins it on so badly to her Neck, that she looks like a mended Statue,
in which the Connoisseur sees at once that the Head's modern tho' the
Trunk's antique----

CRABTREE. Ha! ha! ha! well said, Nephew!

MRS. CANDOUR. Ha! ha! ha! Well, you make me laugh but I vow I hate you
for it--what do you think of Miss Simper?

SIR BENJAMIN. Why, she has very pretty Teeth.

LADY TEAZLE. Yes and on that account, when she is neither speaking nor
laughing (which very seldom happens)--she never absolutely shuts her
mouth, but leaves it always on a-Jar, as it were----

MRS. CANDOUR. How can you be so ill-natured!

LADY TEAZLE. Nay, I allow even that's better than the Pains Mrs. Prim
takes to conceal her losses in Front--she draws her mouth till it
resembles the aperture of a Poor's-Box, and all her words appear to
slide out edgewise.

LADY SNEERWELL. Very well Lady Teazle I see you can be a little severe.

LADY TEAZLE. In defence of a Friend it is but justice, but here comes
Sir Peter to spoil our Pleasantry.

Enter SIR PETER

SIR PETER. Ladies, your obedient--Mercy on me--here is the whole set! a
character's dead at every word, I suppose.

MRS. CANDOUR. I am rejoiced you are come, Sir Peter--they have been so
censorious and Lady Teazle as bad as any one.

SIR PETER. That must be very distressing to you, Mrs. Candour I dare
swear.

MRS. CANDOUR. O they will allow good Qualities to nobody--not even good
nature to our Friend Mrs. Pursy.

LADY TEAZLE. What, the fat dowager who was at Mrs. Codrille's
[Quadrille's] last Night?

LADY SNEERWELL. Nay--her bulk is her misfortune and when she takes such
Pains to get rid of it you ought not to reflect on her.

MRS. CANDOUR. 'Tis very true, indeed.

LADY TEAZLE. Yes, I know she almost lives on acids and small whey--laces
herself by pulleys and often in the hottest noon of summer you may
see her on a little squat Pony, with her hair plaited up behind like a
Drummer's and puffing round the Ring on a full trot.

MRS. CANDOUR. I thank you Lady Teazle for defending her.

SIR PETER. Yes, a good Defence, truly!

MRS. CANDOUR. But for Sir Benjamin, He is as censorious as Miss Sallow.

CRABTREE. Yes and she is a curious Being to pretend to be censorious--an
awkward Gawky, without any one good Point under Heaven!

LADY SNEERWELL. Positively you shall not be so very severe. Miss
Sallow is a Relation of mine by marriage, and, as for her Person great
allowance is to be made--for, let me tell you a woman labours under many
disadvantages who tries to pass for a girl at six-and-thirty.

MRS. CANDOUR. Tho', surely she is handsome still--and for the weakness
in her eyes considering how much she reads by candle-light it is not to
be wonder'd at.

LADY SNEERWELL. True and then as to her manner--upon my word I think
it is particularly graceful considering she never had the least
Education[:] for you know her Mother was a Welch milliner, and her
Father a sugar-Baker at Bristow. --

SIR BENJAMIN. Ah! you are both of you too good-natured!

SIR PETER. Yes, damned good-natured! Her own relation! mercy on me!
[Aside. ]

MRS. CANDOUR. For my Part I own I cannot bear to hear a friend
ill-spoken of?

SIR PETER. No, to be sure!

SIR BENJAMIN. Ah you are of a moral turn Mrs. Candour and can sit for an
hour to hear Lady Stucco talk sentiments.

LADY SNEERWELL. Nay I vow Lady Stucco is very well with the Dessert
after Dinner for she's just like the Spanish Fruit one cracks for
mottoes--made up of Paint and Proverb.

MRS. CANDOUR. Well, I never will join in ridiculing a Friend--and so I
constantly tell my cousin Ogle--and you all know what pretensions she
has to be critical in Beauty.

LADY TEAZLE. O to be sure she has herself the oddest countenance that
ever was seen--'tis a collection of Features from all the different
Countries of the globe.

SIR BENJAMIN. So she has indeed--an Irish Front----

CRABTREE. Caledonian Locks----

SIR BENJAMIN. Dutch Nose----

CRABTREE. Austrian Lips----

SIR BENJAMIN. Complexion of a Spaniard----

CRABTREE. And Teeth a la Chinoise----

SIR BENJAMIN. In short, her Face resembles a table d'hote at Spa--where
no two guests are of a nation----

CRABTREE. Or a Congress at the close of a general War--wherein all the
members even to her eyes appear to have a different interest and her
Nose and Chin are the only Parties likely to join issue.

MRS. CANDOUR. Ha! ha! ha!

SIR PETER. Mercy on my Life[! ] a Person they dine with twice a week!
[Aside. ]

LADY SNEERWELL. Go--go--you are a couple of provoking Toads.

MRS. CANDOUR. Nay but I vow you shall not carry the Laugh off so--for
give me leave to say, that Mrs. Ogle----

SIR PETER. Madam--madam--I beg your Pardon--there's no stopping these
good Gentlemen's Tongues--but when I tell you Mrs. Candour that the Lady
they are abusing is a particular Friend of mine, I hope you'll not take
her Part.

LADY SNEERWELL. Ha! ha! ha! well said, Sir Peter--but you are a cruel
creature--too Phlegmatic yourself for a jest and too peevish to allow
wit in others.

SIR PETER. Ah Madam true wit is more nearly allow'd [allied? ] to good
Nature than your Ladyship is aware of.

LADY SNEERWELL. True Sir Peter--I believe they are so near akin that
they can never be united.

SIR BENJAMIN. O rather Madam suppose them man and wife because one
seldom sees them together.

LADY TEAZLE. But Sir Peter is such an Enemy to Scandal I believe He
would have it put down by Parliament.

SIR PETER. 'Fore heaven! Madam, if they were to consider the Sporting
with Reputation of as much importance as poaching on manors--and pass
an Act for the Preservation of Fame--there are many would thank them for
the Bill.

LADY SNEERWELL. O Lud! Sir Peter would you deprive us of our
Privileges--

SIR PETER. Aye Madam--and then no person should be permitted to
kill characters or run down reputations, but qualified old Maids and
disappointed Widows. --

LADY SNEERWELL. Go, you monster--

MRS. CANDOUR. But sure you would not be quite so severe on those who
only report what they hear?

SIR PETER. Yes Madam, I would have Law Merchant for that too--and in all
cases of slander currency, whenever the Drawer of the Lie was not to
be found, the injured Party should have a right to come on any of the
indorsers.

CRABTREE. Well for my Part I believe there never was a Scandalous Tale
without some foundation. <3>

LADY SNEERWELL. Come Ladies shall we sit down to Cards in the next Room?

Enter SERVANT, whispers SIR PETER

SIR PETER. I'll be with them directly. --

[Exit SERVANT. ]
I'll get away unperceived.

LADY SNEERWELL. Sir Peter you are not leaving us?

SIR PETER. Your Ladyship must excuse me--I'm called away by particular
Business--but I leave my Character behind me--

[Exit. ]

SIR BENJAMIN. Well certainly Lady Teazle that lord of yours is a
strange being--I could tell you some stories of him would make you laugh
heartily if He wern't your Husband.

LADY TEAZLE. O pray don't mind that--come do let's hear 'em.

[join the rest of the Company going into the Next Room. ]

SURFACE. Maria I see you have no satisfaction in this society.

MARIA. How is it possible I should? If to raise malicious smiles at the
infirmities or misfortunes of those who have never injured us be
the province of wit or Humour, Heaven grant me a double Portion of
Dullness--

SURFACE. Yet they appear more ill-natured than they are--they have no
malice at heart--

MARIA. Then is their conduct still more contemptible[;] for in my
opinion--nothing could excuse the intemperance of their tongues but a
natural and ungovernable bitterness of Mind.

SURFACE. Undoubtedly Madam--and it has always been a sentiment of
mine--that to propagate a malicious Truth wantonly--is more despicable
than to falsify from Revenge, but can you Maria feel thus [f]or others
and be unkind to me alone--nay is hope to be denied the tenderest
Passion. --

MARIA. Why will you distress me by renewing this subject--

SURFACE. Ah! Maria! you would not treat me thus and oppose your
guardian's Sir Peter's wishes--but that I see that my Profligate Brother
is still a favour'd Rival.

MARIA. Ungenerously urged--but whatever my sentiments of that
unfortunate young man are, be assured I shall not feel more bound to
give him up because his Distresses have sunk him so low as to deprive
him of the regard even of a Brother.

SURFACE. Nay but Maria do not leave me with a Frown--by all that's
honest, I swear----Gad's Life here's Lady Teazle--you must not--no you
shall--for tho' I have the greatest Regard for Lady Teazle----

MARIA. Lady Teazle!

SURFACE. Yet were Sir Peter to suspect----

[Enter LADY TEAZLE, and comes forward]

LADY TEAZLE. What's this, Pray--do you take her for me! --Child you are
wanted in the next Room. --What's all this, pray--

SURFACE. O the most unlucky circumstance in Nature. Maria has somehow
suspected the tender concern I have for your happiness, and threaten'd
to acquaint Sir Peter with her suspicions--and I was just endeavouring
to reason with her when you came.

LADY TEAZLE. Indeed but you seem'd to adopt--a very tender mode of
reasoning--do you usually argue on your knees?

SURFACE. O she's a Child--and I thought a little Bombast----but Lady
Teazle when are you to give me your judgment on my Library as you
promised----

LADY TEAZLE. No--no I begin to think it would be imprudent--and you know
I admit you as a Lover no farther than Fashion requires.

SURFACE. True--a mere Platonic Cicisbeo, what every London wife is
entitled to.

LADY TEAZLE. Certainly one must not be out of the Fashion--however, I
have so much of my country Prejudices left--that--though Sir Peter's ill
humour may vex me ever so, it never shall provoke me to----

SURFACE. The only revenge in your Power--well I applaud your moderation.

LADY TEAZLE. Go--you are an insinuating Hypocrite--but we shall be
miss'd--let us join the company.

SURFACE. True, but we had best not return together.

LADY TEAZLE.