No More Learning

He tore
the clothes from the back of one of the iron-shod time-beaters, snatched
a flute from the player's hands, and brought it down in such trenchant
sort upon the head of Odysseus, who was standing by enjoying his triumph,
that, had not his cap held good, and borne the weight of the blow, poor
Odysseus must have fallen a victim to histrionic frenzy. The whole house
ran mad for company, leaping, yelling, tearing their clothes. For the
illiterate riffraff, who knew not good from bad, and had no idea of
decency, regarded it as a supreme piece of acting; and the more
intelligent part of the audience, realizing how things stood, concealed
their disgust, and instead of reproaching the actor's folly by silence,
smothered it under their plaudits; they saw only too clearly that it was
not Ajax but the pantomime who was mad. Nor was our spirited friend
content till he had distinguished himself yet further: descending from
the stage, he seated himself in the senatorial benches between two
consulars, who trembled lest he should take one of them for a ram and
apply the lash. The spectators were divided between wonder and amusement;
and some there were who suspected that his ultra-realism had culminated
in reality. However, it seems that when he came to his senses again he
bitterly repented of this exploit, and was quite ill from grief,
regarding his conduct as that of a veritable madman, as is clear from his
own words. For when his partisans begged him to repeat the performance,
he recommended another actor for the part of Ajax, saying that 'it was
enough for him to have been mad once. ' His mortification was increased by
the success of his rival, who, though a similar part had been written for
him, played it with admirable judgement and discretion, and was
complimented on his observance of decorum, and of the proper bounds of
his art.

I hope, my dear Crato, that this cursory description of the Pantomime may
mitigate your wrath against its devoted admirer. If you can bring
yourself to bear me company to the theatre, you will be captivated; you
will run Pantomime-mad. I shall have no occasion to exclaim, with Circe,

Strange, that my drugs have wrought no change in thee!

The change will come; but will not involve an ass's head, nor a pig's
heart, but only an improved understanding. In your delight at the potion,
you will drain it off, and leave not a drop for any one else. Homer says,
of the golden wand of Hermes, that with it he

charms the eyes of men,
When so he will, and rouses them that sleep.

So it is with Pantomime. It charms the eyes-to wakefulness; and quickens
the mental faculties at every turn.

_Cr_. Enough, Lycinus: behold your convert! My eyes and ears are
opened. When next you go to the theatre, remember to take a seat for me
next your own. I too would issue from those doors a wiser man.




LEXIPHANES


_Lycinus. Lexiphanes. Sopolis_

_Ly_. What, our exquisite with his essay?

_Lex_. Ah, Lycinus, 'tis but a fledgeling of mine; 'tis all
incondite.

_Ly_. O ho, conduits--that is your subject, is it?

_Lex_. You mistake me; I said nothing of conduits; you are behind the
times; incondite--'tis the word we use now when a thing lacks the
finishing touches. But you are the deaf adder that stoppeth her ears.

_Ly_. I beg your pardon, my dear fellow; but conduit, incondite, you
know. Well now, what is the idea of your piece?

_Lex_. A symposium, a modest challenge to the son of Ariston.

_Ly_. There are a good many sons of Aristons; but, from the symposium, I
presume you mean Plato.

_Lex_. You take me; what I said could fit no other.

_Ly_. Well, come, read me a little of it; do not send me away thirsty; I
see there is nectar in store.

_Lex_. Ironist, avaunt! And now open your ears to my charming; adder me no
adders.

_Ly_. Go ahead; I am no Adam, nor Eve either.

_Lex_. Have an eye to my conduct of the discourse, whether it be fair in
commencement, fair in speech, fair in diction, fair in nomenclature.

_Ly_. Oh, we know what to expect from Lexiphanes. But come, begin.

_Lex_. _'Then to dinner,' quoth Callicles, 'then to our post-prandial
deambulation in the Lyceum; but now 'tis time for our parasolar unction,
ere we bask and bathe and take our nuncheon; go we our way. Now, boy,
strigil and mat, towels and soap; transport me them bathwards, and
see to the bath-penny; you will find it a-ground by the chest. And thou,
Lexiphanes, comest thou, or tarriest here? ' 'Its a thousand years,'
quoth I, 'till I bathe; for I am in no comfort, with sore posteriors from
my mule-saddle. Trod the mule-man as on eggs, yet kept his beast a-moving.
And when I got to the farm, still no peace for the wicked. I found the
hinds shrilling the harvest-song, and there were persons burying my
father, I think it was. I just gave them a hand with the grave and things,
and then I left them; it was so cold, and I had prickly heat; one does,
you know, in a hard frost. So I went round the plough-lands; and there I
found garlic growing, delved radishes, culled chervil and all herbs,
bought parched barley, and (for not yet had the meadows reached the
redolency that tempts the ten toes)-so to mule-back again; whence this
tenderness behind. And now I walk with pain, and the sweat runs down; my
bones languish, and yearn for the longest of water-swims; 'tis ever my joy
to wash me after toil.

I will speed back to my boy; 'tis like he waits for me at the pease-
puddingry, or the curiosity shop; yet stay; his instructions were to meet
me at the frippery. Ah, hither comes he in the nick of time: ay, and has
purchased a beesting-pudding and girdle-cakes and leeks, sausages and
steak, dewlap and tripe and collops. --Good, Atticion, you have made most
of my journey no thoroughfare. ' 'Why, sir, I have been looking round the
corner for you till I squint. Where dined you yesterday? with
Onomacritus? ' 'God bless me, no. I was off to the country; hey presto!
and there we were. You know how I dote on the country. I suppose you all
thought I was making the glasses ring. Now go in, and spice all these
things, and scour the kneading-trough, ready to shred the lettuces. I
shall be of for a dry rub. '

'We are with you,' cried Philinus, 'Onomarchus, Hellanicus, and I; the
dial's mid point is in shadow; beware, or we shall bathe in the
Carimants' water, huddled and pushed by the vulgar herd. ' Then said
Hellanicus: 'Ah, and my eyes are disordered; my pupils are turbid, I wink
and blink, the tears come unbidden, my eyes crave the ophthalmic leech's
healing drug, mortar-brayed and infused, that they may blush and blear no
more, nor moistly peer. '

In such wise conversing, all our company departed. Arrived at the
gymnasium, we stripped; the finger-wrench, the garotte, the standing-
grip, each had its votaries; one oiled and suppled his joints; another
punched the bladder; a third heaved and swung the dumb-bells. Then, when
we had rubbed ourselves, and ridden pick-a-back, and had our sport of the
gymnasium, we took our plunge, Philinus and I, in the warm basin, and
departed. But the rest dipped frigid heads, soused in, and swam
subaqueous, a wonder to behold. Then back we came, and one here, one
there, did this and that. Shod, with toothed comb I combed me. For I had
had a short crop, not to convict-measure, but saucer-wise, deflation
having set in on crown and chin-tip. One chewed lupines, another cleared
his fasting throat, a third took fish soup on radish-wafer sippets; this
ate olives, that supped down barley.

When it was dinner-time, we took it reclining, both chairs and couches
standing ready. A joint-stock meal it was, and the contributions many and
various. Pigs' pettitoes, ribs of beef, paunch and pregnant womb of sow,
fried liver lobe, garlic paste, sauce piquante, mayonnaise, and so on;
pastry, ramequins, and honey-cakes. In the aquatic line, much of the
cartilaginous, of the testaceous much; many a salt slice, basket-hawked,
eels of Copae, fowls of the barn-door, a cock past crowing-days, and fish
to keep him company; add to these a sheep roast whole, and ox's rump of
toothless eld. The loaves were firsts, no common stuff, and therewithal
remainders from the new moon; vegetables both radical and excrescent. For
the wine, 'twas of no standing, but came from the skin; its sweetness was
gone, but its roughness remained.

On the dolphin-foot table stood divers store of cups; the eye-shutter,
the ladle, slender-handled, genuine Mentor; crane-neck and gurgling
bombyl; and many an earth-born child of Thericlean furnace, the wide-
mouthed, the kindly-lipped; Phocaean, Cnidian work, but all light as air,
and thin as eggshell; bowls and pannikins and posied cups; oh, 'twas a
well-stocked sideboard.

But the kettle boiled over, and sent the ashes flying about our heads. It
was bumpers and no heeltaps, and we were full to the throat. Then to the
nard; and enter to us guitar and light fantastic toe. Thereafter, one
shinned up the ladder, on post-prandial japery intent, another beat the
devil's tattoo, a third writhed cachinnatory.

At this moment broke in upon us from the bath, all uninvited, Megalonymus
the attorney, Chaereas the goldsmith, striped back and all, and the
bruiser Eudemus. I asked them what they were about to come so late. Quoth
Chaereas; 'I was working a locket and ear-rings and bangles for my
daughter; that is why I come after the fair. ' 'I was otherwise engaged,'
said Megalonymus; 'know you not that it was a lawless day and a dumb? So,
as it was linguistice, there was truce to my calendarial clockings and
plea-mensurations. But hearing the governor was giving a warm reception,
I took my shiniest clothes, fresh from the tailor, and my unmatched
shoes, and showed myself out.

'The first I met were a torch-bearer, a hierophant, and others of the
initiated, haling Dinias before the judge, and protesting that he had
called them by their names, though he well knew that, from the time of
their sanctification, they were nameless, and no more to be named but by
hallowed names; so then he appealed to me. ' 'Dinias? ' I put in; 'Who is
Dinias? ' 'Oh, he's a dance-for-your-supper carry-your-luggage rattle-
your-patter gaming-house sort of man; eschews the barber, and takes care
of his poor chest and toes. ' 'Well,' said I, 'paid he the penalty in some
wise, or showed a clean pair of heels? ' 'Our delicate goer is now fast
bound. The governor, regardless of his retiring disposition, slipped him
on a pair of bracelets and a necklace, and brought him acquainted with
stocks and boot. The poor worm quaked for fear, and could not contain
himself, and offered money, if so he might save his soul alive. '

'As for me,' said Eudemus, 'I was sent for in the gloaming by Damasias,
the athlete many-victoried of yore, now pithless from age; you know him
in bronze in the market. He was busy with roast and boiled. He was this
day to exdomesticate his daughter, and was decking her out for her
husband, when a baleful incident occurred, which cleft the feast in
twain. For Dion his son, on grievance unknown, if it were not rather the
hostility of Heaven, hanged himself; and be sure he was a dead man, had I
not been there, and dislocated and loosed him from his implication. Long
time I squatted a-knee, pricking and rocking, and sounding him, to see
whether his throat was still whole. What profited most was compressure of
the extremities with both my hands. '

'What, Dion the effeminate, the libertine, the debauchee, the mastich-
chewer, the too susceptible to amorous sights? ' 'Yes; the lecher and
whore-master. Well, Damasias fell down and worshipped the Goddess (they
have an Artemis by Scopas in the middle of the court), he and his old
white-headed wife, and implored her compassion. The Goddess straightway
nodded assent, and he was well; and now he is their Theodorus, or indeed
their manifest Artemidorus. So they made offerings to her, among them
darts and bows and arrows; for these are acceptable in her sight; bow-
woman she, far-dartress, telepolemic'

'Let us drink, then' said Megalonymus; 'here have I brought you a flagon
of antiquated wine, with cream cheese and windfall olives--I keep them
under seal, and the seals are worm-eaten--and others brine-steeped, and
these fictile cups, thin-edged, firm-based, that we might drink
therefrom, and a pasty of tripe rolled like a top-knot. --Now, you sir,
pour me in some more water; if my head begins to ache, I shall be sending
for your master to talk to you. --You know, gentlemen, what megrims I get,
and what a numskull mine is. After drinking, we will chirp a little as is
our wont; 'tis not amiss to prate in one's cups'

'So be it,' quoth I; 'we are the very pink and perfection of the true
Attic' 'Done with you! ' says Callicles, 'frequent quizzings are a
whetstone of conversation' 'For my part,' cries Eudemus, '--it grows
chill--I like my liquor stronger, and more of it; I am deathly cold; if I
could get some warmth into me, I had rather listen to these light-
fingered gentry of flute and lyre. ' 'What is this you say, Eudemus? ' says
I; 'You would exact mutation from us? are we so hard-mouthed, so
untongued? For my tongue, 'tis garriturient. I was just getting under
way, and making ready to hail you with a fine old Attic shower. 'Tis as
if a three-master were sailing before the breeze, with stay-sails wind-
bellied, scudding along wave-skimming, and you should throw out two-
tongued anchorage and iron stoppers and ship-fetters, and block her
foaming course, in envy of her fair-windedness. ' 'Why then, if you will,
splash and dash and crash through the waves; and I upsoaring, and
drinking the while, will watch like Homer's Zeus from some bald-crowned
hill or from Heaven-top, while you and your ship are swept along with the
wind behind you. '_

_Ly_. Thanks, Lexiphanes; enough of drink and reading. I assure you
I am full beyond my capacity as it is; if I do not succeed in quickly
unloading my stomach of what you have put into it, there is not a doubt I
shall go raving mad under the intoxication of your exuberant verbosity.
At first I was inclined to be amused; but there is such a lot of it, and
all just alike; I pity you now, poor misguided one, trapped in your
endless maze, sick unto death, a prey to melancholia.

Where in the world can you have raked up all this rubbish from? How long
has it taken you? Or what sort of a hive could ever keep together such a
swarm of lop-sided monstrosities? Of some you are the proud creator, the
rest you have dug up from dark lurking-places, till 'tis

Curse on you, piling woe on mortal woe!

How have you gathered all the minor sewers into one cloaca maxima, and
discharged the whole upon my innocent head! Have you never a friend or
relation or well-wisher? Did you never meet a plain-dealer to give you a
dose of candour? That would have cured you. You are dropsical, man; you
are like to burst with it; and you take it for muscular healthy
stoutness; you are congratulated only by the fools who do not see what is
the matter; the instructed cannot help being sorry for you.

But here in good time comes Sopolis; we will put you in the good doctor's
hands, tell him all about it, and see if anything can be done for you. He
is a clever man; he has taken many a helpless semi-lunatic like you in
hand and dosed him into sanity. --Good day, Sopolis. Lexiphanes here is a
friend of mine, you know. Now I want you to undertake his case; he
is afflicted with a delirious affection of the vocal organs, and I fear
a complete breakdown. Pray take measures to cure him.

_Lex_. Heal him, not me, Sopolis; he is manifestly moon-struck; persons
duly pia-matered he accounts beside their five wits; he might come from
Samos and call Mnesarchus father; for he enjoins silence and linguinanity.
But by the unabashed Athene, by Heracles the beast-killer, no jot or
tittle of notice shall he have from me. 'Tis my foreboding that I fall not
in with him again. For his censures, I void my rheum upon them.

_Sop_. What is the matter with him, Lycinus?

_Ly_. Why, _this_ is the matter; don't you hear? He leaves us his
contemporaries, and goes a thousand years off to talk to us, which he
does by aid of these tongue-gymnastics and extraordinary compounds--
prides himself upon it, too, as if it were a great thing to disguise
yourself, and mutilate the conversational currency.

_Sop_. Well, to be sure, this is a serious case; we must do all we
can for him. Providentially, here is an emetic I had just mixed for a
bilious patient; here, Lexiphanes, drink it off; the other man can wait;
let us purge you of this vocal derangement, and get you a clean bill of
health. Come along, down with it; you will feel much easier.

_Lex_. I know not what you would be at, you and Lycinus, with your
drenches; I fear me you are more like to end than mend my speech.

_Ly_. Drink, quick; it will make a man of you in thought and word.

_Lex_. Well, if I must. Lord, what is this? How it rumbles! I must have
swallowed a ventriloquist.

_Sop_. Now, let it come. Look, look! Here comes _in sooth, anon_ follows,
close upon them _quoth he, withal, sirrah, I trow,_ and a general
sprinkling of _sundry_. But try again; tickle your throat; that will help.
_Hard, by_ has not come up yet, nor _a-weary_, nor _rehearse_, nor
_quandary_. Oh, there are lots of them lurking yet, a whole stomachful. It
would be well to get rid of some of them by purging; there should be an
impressive explosion when _orotundity_ makes its windy exit. However, he
is pretty well cleaned out, except for what may be left in the lower
bowels. Lycinus, I shall now leave him in your charge; teach him better
ways, and tell him what are the right words to use.

_Ly_. I will, Sopolis; and thank you for clearing the way. Now,
Lexiphanes, listen to me. If you want sincere commendations upon your
style, and success with popular audiences, give a wide berth to that sort
of stuff. Make a beginning with the great poets, read them with some one
to help you, then go on to the orators, and when you have assimilated
their vocabulary, proceed in due time to Thucydides and Plato, not
forgetting a thorough course also of pleasant Comedy and grave Tragedy.
When you have culled the best that all these can show, you may reckon
that you have a style. You have not realized it, but at present you are
like the toymen's dolls, all gaudy colouring outside, and inside, fragile
clay.

If you will take this advice, put up for a little while with being called
uneducated, and not be ashamed to mend your ways, you may face an
audience without a tremor; you will not then be a laughing-stock any
more; the cultivated will no longer exercise their irony upon you and
nickname you the Hellene and the Attic just because you are less
intelligible than many barbarians. But above all things, do bear in mind
not to ape the worst tricks of the last generation's professors; you are
always nibbling at their wares; put your foot upon them once for all, and
take the ancients for your model. And no dallying with unsubstantial
flowers of speech; accustom yourself, like the athletes, to solid food.
And let your devotions be paid to the Graces and to Lucidity, whom you
have so neglected.

Further, put a stopper on bombast and grandiloquence and mannerism; be
neither supercilious nor overbearing; cease to carp at other people's
performances and to count their loss your gain. And then, perhaps the
greatest of all your errors is this: instead of arranging your matter
first, and then elaborating the diction, you find some out-of-the-way
word, or are captivated by one of your own invention, and try to build up
your meaning round it; if you cannot get it in somehow or other, though
it may have nothing to do with the matter, you are inconsolable; do you
remember the _mobled queen_ you let off the other day? It was quite
off the point, and you did not know what it meant yourself; however, its
oddness tickled the ears of the ignorant many; as for the cultivated,
they were equally amused at you and at your admirers.
Again, could anything be more ludicrous than for one who claims to be a
purist, drawing from the undefiled fountain of antiquity, to mix in
(though indeed that reverses the proportion) expressions that would be
impossible to the merest schoolboy? I felt as if I should like the earth
to swallow me up, when I heard you talk of a man's _chemise_, and use
_valet_ of a woman; who does not know that a man wears a shirt, and that a
valet is male? But you abound in far more flagrant blunders than these: I
have _chidden_, not _chode_ you; we do not _write_ a friend, we _write to_
him; we say _'onest_, not _honest_; these usages of yours cannot claim
even alien rights among us. Moreover, we do not like even poetry to read
like the dictionary. But the sort of poetry to which your prose
corresponds would be Dosiadas's _Altar_, Lycophron's _Alexandra_, or any
more pestilent pedantry that may happen to exist. If you take the pains to
unlearn all this, you will have done the best you can for yourself. If you
let yourself be seduced by your sweet baits again, I have at least put in
my word of warning, and you will have only yourself to blame when you find
yourself on the downward path.






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Title: Works, V3

Author: Lucian of Samosata

Release Date: November, 2004 [EBook #6829]
[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule]
[This file was first posted on January 28, 2003]

Edition: 10

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Produced by Robert Nield, Tom Allen, Charles Franks
and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team.




THE WORKS OF LUCIAN OF SAMOSATA

Complete with exceptions specified in the preface

TRANSLATED BY

H. W. FOWLER AND F. G. FOWLER

VOLUME III

OF FOUR VOLUMES

What work nobler than transplanting foreign thought into the barren
domestic soil? except indeed planting thought of your own, which
the fewest are privileged to do. --_Sartor Resartus_.

At each flaw, be this your first thought: the author doubtless said
something quite different, and much more to the point. And then you
may hiss _me_ off, if you will. --LUCIAN, _Nigrinus_, 9.

(LUCIAN) The last great master of Attic eloquence and Attic wit. --
_Lord Macaulay_.




CONTENTS OF VOL. III


LIFE OF DEMONAX

A PORTRAIT-STUDY

DEFENCE OF THE 'PORTRAIT-STUDY'

TOXARIS: A DIALOGUE OF FRIENDSHIP

ZEUS CROSS-EXAMINED

ZEUS TRAGOEDUS

THE COCK

ICAROMENIPPUS, AN AERIAL EXPEDITION

THE DOUBLE INDICTMENT

THE PARASITE, A DEMONSTRATION THAT SPONGING IS A PROFESSION

ANACHARSIS, A DISCUSSION OF PHYSICAL TRAINING

OF MOURNING

THE RHETORICIAN'S VADE MECUM

THE LIAR

DIONYSUS, AN INTRODUCTORY LECTURE

HERACLES, AN INTRODUCTORY LECTURE

SWANS AND AMBER

THE FLY, AN APPRECIATION

REMARKS ADDRESSED TO AN ILLITERATE BOOK-FANCIER

ALPHABETICAL TABLE OF CONTENTS




LIFE OF DEMONAX


It was in the book of Fate that even this age of ours should not be
destitute entirely of noteworthy and memorable men, but produce a
body of extraordinary power, and a mind of surpassing wisdom. My
allusions are to Sostratus the Boeotian, whom the Greeks called,
and believed to be, Heracles; and more particularly to the
philosopher Demonax. I saw and marvelled at both of them, and with
the latter I long consorted. I have written of Sostratus elsewhere
[Footnote: The life of Sostratus is not extant. ], and described his
stature and enormous strength, his open-air life on Parnassus,
sleeping on the grass and eating what the mountain afforded, the
exploits that bore out his surname--robbers exterminated, rough
places made smooth, and deep waters bridged.

This time I am to write of Demonax, with two sufficient ends in
view: first, to keep his memory green among good men, as far as in
me lies; and secondly, to provide the most earnest of our rising
generation, who aspire to philosophy, with a contemporary pattern,
that they may not be forced back upon the ancients for worthy
models, but imitate this best--if I am any judge--of all
philosophers.

He came of a Cyprian family which enjoyed considerable property and
political influence. But his views soared above such things as
these; he claimed nothing less than the highest, and devoted
himself to philosophy. This was not due to any exhortations of
Agathobulus, his predecessor Demetrius, or Epictetus. He did indeed
enjoy the converse of all these, as well as of Timocrates of
Heraclea, that wise man whose gifts of expression and of
understanding were equal. It was not, however, to the exhortations
of any of these, but to a natural impulse towards the good, an
innate yearning for philosophy which manifested itself in childish
years, that he owed his superiority to all the things that ordinary
men pursue. He took independence and candour for his guiding
principles, lived himself an upright, wholesome, irreproachable
life, and exhibited to all who saw or heard him the model of his
own disposition and philosophic sincerity.

He was no half-baked enthusiast either; he had lived with the
poets, and knew most of them by heart; he was a practised speaker;
he had a knowledge of philosophic principles not of the superficial
skin-deep order; he had developed and hardened his body by exercise
and toil, and, in short, had been at the pains to make himself
every man's equal at every point. He was consistent enough, when he
found that he could no longer suffice to himself, to depart
voluntarily from life, leaving a great reputation behind him among
the true nobility of Greece.

Instead of confining himself to a single philosophic school, he
laid them all under contribution, without showing clearly which of
them he preferred; but perhaps he was nearest akin to Socrates;
for, though he had leanings as regards externals and plain living
to Diogenes, he never studied effect or lived for the applause and
admiration of the multitude; his ways were like other people's; he
mounted no high horse; he was just a man and a citizen. He indulged
in no Socratic irony; but his discourse was full of Attic grace;
those who heard it went away neither disgusted by servility nor
repelled by ill-tempered censure, but on the contrary lifted out of
themselves by charity, and encouraged to more orderly, contented,
hopeful lives.

He was never known to shout or be over vehement or angry, even when
he had to correct; he touched offences, but pardoned offenders,
saying that the doctors' was the right model, who treat sickness
but are not angry with the sick. It is human, he thought, to err,
but divine (whether in God or man) to put the error right.

A life of this sort left him without wants of his own; but he was
always ready to render any proper service to his friends--including
reminders to those among them who passed for fortunate, how brief
was their tenure of what they so prided themselves upon. To all, on
the other hand, who repined at poverty, resented exile, or
complained of old age or bad health, he administered laughing
consolation, and bade them not forget how soon their troubles would
be over, the distinction between good and bad be obsolete, and long
freedom succeed to short-lived distress.

He was fond of playing peace-maker between brothers at variance, or
presiding over the restoration of marital harmony. He could say a
word in season, too, before an agitated political assembly, which
would turn the scale in favour of patriotic duty. Such was the
temper that philosophy produced in him, kindly, mild, and cheerful.

Nothing ever grieved him except the illness or death of a friend,
friendship being the one among blessings that he put highest; and
indeed he was every man's friend, counting among his kindred
whatever had human shape. Not that there were no degrees in the
pleasure different people's society gave him; but he avoided none,
except those who seemed so far astray that they could get no good
from him. And every word or act in which these principles took
shape might have been dictated by the Graces and Aphrodite; for 'on
his lips Persuasion sat,' as the play has it.

Accordingly he was regarded with reverence at Athens, both by the
collective assembly and by the officials; he always continued to be
a person of great consequence in their eyes. And this though most
of them had been at first offended with him, and hated him as
heartily as their ancestors had Socrates. Besides his candour and
independence, there had been found Anytuses and Meletuses to repeat
the historic charges: _he had never been known to sacrifice, and
he made himself singular by avoiding initiation at Eleusis_. On
this occasion he showed his courage by appearing in a garland and
festal attire, and then pleading his cause before the people with a
dash of unwonted asperity infused into his ordinary moderate tone.
On the count of never having sacrificed to Athene, 'Men of Athens,'
he said, 'there is nothing wonderful in this; it was only that I
gave the Goddess credit for being able to do very well without
sacrifices from me. ' And in the matter of the Mysteries, his reason
for not following the usual practice was this: if the Mysteries
turned out to be bad, he would never be able to keep quiet about it
to the uninitiated, but must dissuade them from the ceremony;
while, if they were good, humanity would tempt him to divulge them.
The Athenians, stone in hand already, were at once disarmed, and
from that time onwards paid him honour and respect, which
ultimately rose to reverence. Yet he had opened his case with a
bitter enough reproof: 'Men of Athens, you see me ready garlanded;
proceed to sacrifice me, then; your former offering [Footnote:
i. e. , Socrates. ] was deficient in this formality. '

I will now give some specimens of his pointed and witty sayings,
which may begin with his answers to Favorinus. The latter had heard
that he made fun of his lectures, and in particular of the
sentimental verses with which they were garnished, and which
Demonax thought contemptible, womanish, and quite unsuited to
philosophy. So he came and asked him: 'Who, pray, are you, that you
should pour scorn upon me? ' 'I am the possessor of a critical pair
of ears,' was the answer. The sophist had not had enough;
'_You_ are no infant,' he went on, 'but a philosopher, it
seems; may one ask what marks the transformation? ' 'The marks of
manhood,' said Demonax.

Another time the same person came up and asked him what school of
philosophy he belonged to. 'Who told you I was a philosopher? ' was
all he said. But as he left him, he had a good laugh to himself,
which Favorinus observing, demanded what he was laughing at; 'I was
only amused by your taking a man for a philosopher because he wears
a beard, when you have none yourself. '

When Sidonius, who had a great reputation at Athens as a teacher,
was boasting that he was conversant with all the philosophic
systems--but I had better quote his words. 'Let Aristotle call, and
I follow to the Lyceum; Plato, and I hurry to the Academy; Zeno,
and I make my home in the Porch; Pythagoras, and I keep the rule of
silence. ' Then rose Demonax from among the audience: 'Sidonius,
Pythagoras calls. '

A pretty girlish young man called Python, son of some Macedonian
grandee, once by way of quizzing him asked a riddling question and
invited him to show his acumen over it. 'I only see one thing, dear
child,' he said, 'and that is, that you are a _fair_ logician. '
The other lost his temper at this equivoque, and threatened him:
'You shall see in a minute what a man can do. ' 'Oh, you keep a man,
do you? ' was Demonax's smiling retort.

He once, for daring to laugh at an athlete who displayed himself in
gay clothes because he had won an Olympic victory, received a blow
on the head with a stone, which drew blood. The bystanders were all
as angry as if they had themselves been the victims, and set up a
shout--'The Proconsul! the Proconsul! ' 'Thank you, gentlemen,' said
Demonax, 'but I should prefer the doctor. '

He once picked up a little gold charm in the road as he walked, and
posted a notice in the market-place stating that the loser could
recover his property, if he would call upon Demonax and give
particulars of the weight, material, and workmanship. A handsome
young exquisite came, professing to have lost it. The philosopher
soon saw that it was a got-up story; 'Ah, my boy,' he said, 'you
will do very well, if you lose your other charms as little as you
have lost this one. '

A Roman senator at Athens once presented his son, who had great
beauty of a soft womanish type. 'My son salutes you, sir,' he said.
To which Demonax answered, 'A pretty lad, worthy of his father, and
extremely like his mother. '

A cynic who emphasized his principles by wearing a bear's skin he
insisted on addressing not by his name of Honoratus, but as Bruin.

Asked for a definition of Happiness, he said that only the free was
happy. 'Well,' said the questioner, 'there is no lack of free
men.