No More Learning

_Probe_. Why then perhaps there may be hopes; but we must
avoid further delay. --Here, help the gentleman into a chair, and
carry him to my house presently--that's the properest place--
[_Aside_. ] to bubble him out of his money. --[_Aloud_. ]
Come, a chair--a chair quickly--there, in with him. [SERVANTS
_put_ LORD FOPPINGTON _into a chair_. ]
_Lord Fop_. Dear Loveless, adieu; if I die, I forgive thee;
and if I live, I hope thou wilt do as much by me. I am sorry you
and I should quarrel, but I hope here's an end on't; for if you
are satisfied, I am.
_Love_. I shall hardly think it worth my prosecuting any
further, so you may be at rest, sir.
_Lord Fop_. Thou art a generous fellow, strike me dumb!
--[_Aside_. ] But thou hast an impertinent wife, stap my
vitals!
_Probe_. So--carry him off! --carry him off! --We shall have
him into a fever by-and-by. --Carry him off! [_Exit with_
LORD FOPPINGTON. ]
Enter COLONEL TOWNLY.
_Col. Town_. So, so, I am glad to find you all alive. --I met
a wounded peer carrying off. For heaven's sake what was the
matter?
_Love_. Oh, a trifle! he would have made love to my wife
before my face, so she obliged him with a box o' the ear, and I
ran him through the body, that was all.
_Col. Town_. Bagatelle on all sides. But pray, madam, how
long has this noble lord been an humble servant of yours?
_Aman_. This is the first I have heard on't--so I suppose,
'tis his quality more than his love has brought him into this
adventure. He thinks his title an authentic passport to every
woman's heart below the degree of a peeress.
_Col. Town_. He's coxcomb enough to think anything: but I
would not have you brought into trouble for him. I hope there's
no danger of his life?
_Love_. None at all. He's fallen into the hands of a roguish
surgeon, who, I perceive, designs to frighten a little money out
of him: but I saw his wound--'tis nothing: he may go to the ball
to-night if he pleases.
_Col. Town_. I am glad you have corrected him without
further mischief, or you might have deprived me of the pleasure
of executing a plot against his lordship, which I have been
contriving with an old acquaintance of yours.
_Love_. Explain.
_Col. Town_. His brother, Tom Fashion, is come down here,
and we have it in contemplation to save him the trouble of his
intended wedding: but we want your assistance. Tom would have
called but he is preparing for his enterprise, so I promised to
bring you to him--so, sir, if these ladies can spare you--
_Love_. I'll go with you with all my heart. --[_Aside_. ]
Though I could wish, methinks, to stay and gaze a little longer
on that creature. Good gods! how engaging she is! --but what have
I to do with beauty? I have already had my portion, and must not
covet more.
_Aman_. Mr. Loveless, pray one word with you before you go.
[_Exit_ COLONEL TOWNLY.
_Love_. What would my dear?
_Aman_. Only a woman's foolish question: how do you like my
cousin here?
_Love_. Jealous already, Amanda?
_Aman_. Not at all: I ask you for another reason.
_Love_. [_Aside_. ] Whate'er her reason be, I must not
tell her true. --[_Aloud_. ] Why, I confess, she's handsome:
but you must not think I slight your kinswoman, if I own to you,
of all the women who may claim that character, she is the last
that would triumph in my heart.
_Aman_. I'm satisfied.
_Love_. Now tell me why you asked?
_Aman_. At night I will--adieu!
_Love_. I'm yours. [_Kisses her and exit_. ]
_Aman_. I'm glad to find he does not like her, for I
have a great mind to persuade her to come and live with me.
[_Aside_. ]
_Ber_. So! I find my colonel continues in his airs; there
must be something more at the bottom of this than the provocation
he pretends from me. [_Aside_. ]
_Aman_. For Heaven's sake, Berinthia, tell me what way I
shall take to persuade you to come and live with me.
_Ber_. Why, one way in the world there is, and but one.
_Aman_. And pray what is that?
_Ber_. It is to assure me--I shall be very welcome.
_Aman_. If that be all, you shall e'en sleep here to-night.
_Ber_. To-night.
_Aman_. Yes, to-night.
_Ber_. Why, the people where I lodge will think me mad.
_Aman_. Let 'em think what they please.
_Ber_. Say you so, Amanda? Why, then, they shall think what
they please: for I'm a young widow, and I care not what anybody
thinks. --Ah, Amanda, it's a delicious thing to be a young widow!
_Aman_. You'll hardly make me think so.
_Ber_. Poh! because you are in love with your husband.
_Aman_. Pray, 'tis with a world of innocence I would inquire
whether you think those we call women of reputation do really
escape all other men as they do those shadows of beaux.
_Ber_. Oh no, Amanda; there are a sort of men make dreadful
work amongst 'em, men that may be called the beau's antipathy,
for they agree in nothing but walking upon two legs. These have
brains, the beau has none. These are in love with their mistress,
the beau with himself. They take care of their reputation, the
beau is industrious to destroy it. They are decent, he's a fop;
in short, they are men, he's an ass.
_Aman_. If this be their character, I fancy we had here,
e'en now, a pattern of 'em both.
_Ber_. His lordship and Colonel Townly?
_Aman_. The same.
_Ber_. As for the lord, he is eminently so; and for the
other, I can assure you there's not a man in town who has a
better interest with the women that are worth having an interest
with.
_Aman_. He answers the opinion I had ever of him. [_Takes
her hand_. ] I must acquaint you with a secret--'tis not that
fool alone has talked to me of love; Townly has been tampering
too.
_Ber_. [_Aside_. ] So, so! here the mystery comes out! --
[_Aloud_. ] Colonel Townly! impossible, my dear!
_Aman_. 'Tis true indeed; though he has done it in vain; nor
do I think that all the merit of mankind combined could shake the
tender love I bear my husband; yet I will own to you, Berinthia,
I did not start at his addresses, as when they came from one whom
I contemned.
_Ber. [Aside_. ] Oh, this is better and better! --
[_Aloud_. ] Well said, Innocence! and you really think, my
dear, that nothing could abate your constancy and attachment to
your husband?
_Aman_. Nothing, I am convinced.
_Ber_. What, if you found he loved another woman better?
_Aman_. Well!
_Ber_. Well! --why, were I that thing they call a slighted
wife, somebody should run the risk of being that thing they call--a
husband. Don't I talk madly?
_Aman_. Madly indeed!
_Ber_. Yet I'm very innocent.
_Aman_. That I dare swear you are. I know how to make
allowances for your humour: but you resolve then never to marry
again?
_Ber_. Oh no! I resolve I will.
_Aman_. How so?
_Ber_. That I never may.
_Aman_. You banter me.
_Ber_. Indeed I don't: but I consider I'm a woman, and form
my resolutions accordingly.
_Aman_. Well, my opinion is, form what resolutions you will,
matrimony will be the end on't.
_Ber_. I doubt it--but a--Heavens! I have business at home,
and am half an hour too late.
_Aman_. As you are to return with me, I'll just give some
orders, and walk with you.
_Ber_. Well, make haste, and we'll finish this subject as we
go--[_Exit_ AMANDA. ]. Ah, poor Amanda! you have led a
country life. Well, this discovery is lucky! Base Townly! at once
false to me and treacherous to his friend! --And my innocent and
demure cousin too!
I have it in my power to be revenged on her,
however. Her husband, if I have any skill in countenance, would
be as happy in my smiles as Townly can hope to be in hers. I'll
make the experiment, come what will on't. The woman who can
forgive the being robbed of a favoured lover, must be either an
idiot or a wanton. [_Exit_. ]




ACT III.

SCENE I. --LORD FOPPINGTON's _Lodgings.
Enter_ LORD FOPPINGTON, _and_ LA VAROLE.
_Lord Fop_. Hey, fellow, let thy vis-a-vis come to the door.
_La Var_. Will your lordship venture so soon to expose
yourself to the weather?
_Lord Fop_. Sir, I will venture as soon as I can expose
myself to the ladies.
_La Var_. I wish your lordship would please to keep house a
little longer; I'm afraid your honour does not well consider your
wound.
_Lord Fop_. My wound! --I would not be in eclipse another
day, though I had as many wounds in my body as I have had in my
heart. So mind, Varole, let these cards be left as directed; for
this evening I shall wait on my future father-in-law, Sir
Tunbelly, and I mean to commence my devoirs to the lady, by
giving an entertainment at her father's expense; and hark thee,
tell Mr. Loveless I request he and his company will honour me
with their presence, or I shall think we are not friends.
_La Var_. I will be sure, milor. [_Exit_. ]
_Enter_ TOM FASHION.
_Fash_. Brother, your servant; how do you find yourself to-day?
_Lord Fop_. So well that I have ardered my coach to the
door--so there's no danger of death this baut, Tam.
_Fash_. I'm very glad of it.
_Lord Fop_. [_Aside_. ] That I believe a lie. --
[_Aloud_. ] Pr'ythee, Tam, tell me one thing--did not your
heart cut a caper up to your mauth, when you heard I was run
through the bady?
_Fash_. Why do you think it should?
_Lord Fop_. Because I remember mine did so when I heard my
uncle was shot through the head.
_Fash_. It, then, did very ill.
_Lord Fop_. Pr'ythee, why so?
_Fash_. Because he used you very well.
_Lord Fop_. Well! --Naw, strike me dumb! he starved me; he
has let me want a thausand women for want of a thausand paund.
_Fash_. Then he hindered you from making a great many ill
bargains; for I think no woman worth money that will take money.
_Lord Fop_. If I was a younger brother I should think so
too.
_Fash_. Then you are seldom much in love?
_Lord Fop_. Never, stap my vitals!
_Fash_. Why, then, did you make all this bustle about
Amanda?
_Lord Fop_. Because she's a woman of insolent virtue, and I
thought myself piqued in honour to debauch her.
_Fash_. Very well. --[_Aside_. ] Here's a rare fellow for
you, to have the spending of ten thousand pounds a year! But now
for my business with him. --[_Aloud_. ] Brother, though I know
to talk of any business (especially of money) is a theme not
quite so entertaining to you as that of the ladies, my
necessities are such, I hope you'll have patience to hear me.
_Lord Fop_. The greatness of your necessities, Tam, is the
worst argument in the waurld for your being patiently heard. I do
believe you are going to make a very good speech, but, strike me
dumb! it has the worst beginning of any speech I have heard this
twelvemonth.
_Fash_. I'm sorry you think so.
_Lord Fop_. I do believe thou art: but, come, let's know the
affair quickly.
_Fash_. Why, then, my case, in a word, is this: the
necessary expenses of my travels have so much exceeded the
wretched income of my annuity, that I have been forced to
mortgage it for five hundred pounds, which is spent. So unless
you are so kind as to assist me in redeeming it, I know no remedy
but to take a purse.
_Lord Fop_. Why, faith, Tam, to give you my sense of the
thing, I do think taking a purse the best remedy in the waurld;
for if you succeed, you are relieved that way, if you are taken
[_Drawing his hand round his neck_], you are relieved
t'other.
_Fash_. I'm glad to see you are in so pleasant a humour; I
hope I shall find the effects on't.
_Lord Fop_. Why, do you then really think it a reasonable
thing, that I should give you five hundred paunds?
_Fash_. I do not ask it as a due, brother; I am willing to
receive it as a favour.
_Lord Fop_. Then thou art willing to receive it anyhow,
strike me speechless! But these are damned times to give money
in; taxes are so great, repairs so exorbitant, tenants such
rogues, and bouquets so dear, that the devil take me I'm reduced
to that extremity in my cash, I have been forced to retrench in
that one article of sweet pawder, till I have brought it down to
five guineas a maunth--now judge, Tam, whether I can spare you
five paunds.
_Fash_. If you can't I must starve, that's all. --
[_Aside_. ] Damn him!
_Lord Fop_. All I can say is, you should have been a better
husband.
_Fash_. Ouns! if you can't live upon ten thousand a year,
how do you think I should do't upon two hundred?
_Lord Fop_. Don't be in a passion, Tam, for passion is the
most unbecoming thing in the waurld--to the face. Look you, I
don't love to say anything to you to make you melancholy, but
upon this occasion I must take leave to put you in mind that a
running horse does require more attendance than a coach-horse.
Nature has made some difference twixt you and me.
_Fash_. Yes--she has made you older. --[_Aside_. ] Plague
take her.
_Lord Fop_. That is not all, Tam.
_Fash_. Why, what is there else?
_Lord Fop. [_Looks first on himself and then on his
brother_. ] Ask the ladies.
_Fash_. Why, thou essence-bottle, thou musk-cat! dost thou
then think thou hast any advantage over me but what Fortune has
given thee?
_Lord Fop_. I do, stap my vitals!
_Fash_. Now, by all that's great and powerful, thou art the
prince of coxcombs!
_Lord Fop_. Sir, I am proud at being at the head of so
prevailing a party.
_Fash_. Will nothing provoke thee? --Draw, coward!
_Lord Fop_. Look you, Tam, you know I have always taken you
for a mighty dull fellow, and here is one of the foolishest plats
broke out that I have seen a lang time. Your poverty makes life
so burdensome to you, you would provoke me to a quarrel, in hopes
either to slip through my lungs into my estate, or to get
yourself run through the guts, to put an end to your pain. But I
will disappoint you in both your designs; far, with the temper of
a philasapher, and the discretion of a statesman--I shall leave
the room with my sword in the scabbard. [_Exit_. ]
_Fash_. So! farewell, brother; and now, conscience, I defy
thee. Lory!
_Enter_ LORY.
_Lory_. Sir!
_Fash_. Here's rare news, Lory; his lordship has given me a
pill has purged off all my scruples.
_Lory_. Then my heart's at ease again: for I have been in a
lamentable fright, sir, ever since your conscience had the
impudence to intrude into your company.
_Fash_. Be at peace; it will come there no more: my brother
has given it a wring by the nose, and I have kicked it
downstairs. So run away to the inn, get the chaise ready quickly,
and bring it to Dame Coupler's without a moment's delay.
_Lory_. Then, sir, you are going straight about the fortune?
_Fash_. I am. --Away--fly, Lory!
_Lory_. The happiest day I ever saw. I'm upon the wing
already. Now then I shall get my wages. [_Exeunt_. ]

SCENE II. --_A Garden behind_ LOVELESS'S _Lodgings.
Enter_ LOVELESS _and_ SERVANT.
_Love_. Is my wife within?
_Ser_. No, sir, she has gone out this half-hour.
_Love_. Well, leave me. --[_Exit_ SERVANT. ] How
strangely does my mind run on this widow! --Never was my heart so
suddenly seized on before. That my wife should pick out her, of
all womankind, to be her playfellow! But what fate does, let fate
answer for: I sought it not. So! by Heavens! here she comes.
_Enter_ BERINTHIA.
_Ber_. What makes you look so thoughtful, sir? I hope you
are not ill.
_Love_. I was debating, madam, whether I was so or not, and
that was it which made me look so thoughtful.
_Ber_. Is it then so hard a matter to decide? I thought all
people were acquainted with their own bodies, though few people
know their own minds.
_Love_. What if the distemper I suspect be in the mind?
_Ber_. Why then I'll undertake to prescribe you a cure.
_Love_. Alas! you undertake you know not what.
_Ber_. So far at least, then, you allow me to be a
physician.
_Love_. Nay, I'll allow you to be so yet further: for I have
reason to believe, should I put myself into your hands, you would
increase my distemper.
_Ber_. How?
_Love_. Oh, you might betray me to my wife.
_Ber_. And so lose all my practice.
_Love_.