No More Learning

Their estate
and condition of living is but only changed after a very strange manner;
for I saw Alexander the Great there amending and patching on clouts upon
old breeches and stockings, whereby he got but a very poor living.

Xerxes was a crier of mustard.
Romulus, a salter and patcher of pattens.
Numa, a nailsmith.
Tarquin, a porter.
Piso, a clownish swain.
Sylla, a ferryman.
Cyrus, a cowherd.
Themistocles, a glass-maker.
Epaminondas, a maker of mirrors or looking-glasses.
Brutus and Cassius, surveyors or measurers of land.
Demosthenes, a vine-dresser.
Cicero, a fire-kindler.
Fabius, a threader of beads.
Artaxerxes, a rope-maker.
Aeneas, a miller.
Achilles was a scaldpated maker of hay-bundles.
Agamemnon, a lick-box.
Ulysses, a hay-mower.
Nestor, a door-keeper or forester.
Darius, a gold-finder or jakes-farmer.
Ancus Martius, a ship-trimmer.
Camillus, a foot-post.
Marcellus, a sheller of beans.
Drusus, a taker of money at the doors of playhouses.
Scipio Africanus, a crier of lee in a wooden slipper.
Asdrubal, a lantern-maker.
Hannibal, a kettlemaker and seller of eggshells.
Priamus, a seller of old clouts.
Lancelot of the Lake was a flayer of dead horses.

All the Knights of the Round Table were poor day-labourers, employed to row
over the rivers of Cocytus, Phlegeton, Styx, Acheron, and Lethe, when my
lords the devils had a mind to recreate themselves upon the water, as in
the like occasion are hired the boatmen at Lyons, the gondoliers of Venice,
and oars at London. But with this difference, that these poor knights have
only for their fare a bob or flirt on the nose, and in the evening a morsel
of coarse mouldy bread.

Trajan was a fisher of frogs.
Antoninus, a lackey.
Commodus, a jet-maker.
Pertinax, a peeler of walnuts.
Lucullus, a maker of rattles and hawks'-bells.
Justinian, a pedlar.
Hector, a snap-sauce scullion.
Paris was a poor beggar.
Cambyses, a mule-driver.

Nero, a base blind fiddler, or player on that instrument which is called a
windbroach. Fierabras was his serving-man, who did him a thousand
mischievous tricks, and would make him eat of the brown bread and drink of
the turned wine when himself did both eat and drink of the best.

Julius Caesar and Pompey were boat-wrights and tighters of ships.

Valentine and Orson did serve in the stoves of hell, and were sweat-rubbers
in hot houses.

Giglan and Govian (Gauvin) were poor swineherds.

Geoffrey with the great tooth was a tinder-maker and seller of matches.

Godfrey de Bouillon, a hood-maker.
Jason was a bracelet-maker.
Don Pietro de Castille, a carrier of indulgences.
Morgan, a beer-brewer.
Huon of Bordeaux, a hooper of barrels.
Pyrrhus, a kitchen-scullion.
Antiochus, a chimney-sweeper.
Octavian, a scraper of parchment.
Nerva, a mariner.

Pope Julius was a crier of pudding-pies, but he left off wearing there his
great buggerly beard.

John of Paris was a greaser of boots.
Arthur of Britain, an ungreaser of caps.
Perce-Forest, a carrier of faggots.
Pope Boniface the Eighth, a scummer of pots.
Pope Nicholas the Third, a maker of paper.
Pope Alexander, a ratcatcher.
Pope Sixtus, an anointer of those that have the pox.

What, said Pantagruel, have they the pox there too? Surely, said
Epistemon, I never saw so many: there are there, I think, above a hundred
millions; for believe, that those who have not had the pox in this world
must have it in the other.

Cotsbody, said Panurge, then I am free; for I have been as far as the hole
of Gibraltar, reached unto the outmost bounds of Hercules, and gathered of
the ripest.

Ogier the Dane was a furbisher of armour.
The King Tigranes, a mender of thatched houses.
Galien Restored, a taker of moldwarps.
The four sons of Aymon were all toothdrawers.
Pope Calixtus was a barber of a woman's sine qua non.
Pope Urban, a bacon-picker.
Melusina was a kitchen drudge-wench.
Matabrune, a laundress.
Cleopatra, a crier of onions.
Helen, a broker for chambermaids.
Semiramis, the beggars' lice-killer.
Dido did sell mushrooms.
Penthesilea sold cresses.
Lucretia was an alehouse-keeper.
Hortensia, a spinstress.
Livia, a grater of verdigris.

After this manner, those that had been great lords and ladies here, got but
a poor scurvy wretched living there below. And, on the contrary, the
philosophers and others, who in this world had been altogether indigent and
wanting, were great lords there in their turn. I saw Diogenes there strut
it out most pompously, and in great magnificence, with a rich purple gown
on him, and a golden sceptre in his right hand. And, which is more, he
would now and then make Alexander the Great mad, so enormously would he
abuse him when he had not well patched his breeches; for he used to pay his
skin with sound bastinadoes. I saw Epictetus there, most gallantly
apparelled after the French fashion, sitting under a pleasant arbour, with
store of handsome gentlewomen, frolicking, drinking, dancing, and making
good cheer, with abundance of crowns of the sun. Above the lattice were
written these verses for his device:

To leap and dance, to sport and play,
And drink good wine both white and brown,
Or nothing else do all the day
But tell bags full of many a crown.

When he saw me, he invited me to drink with him very courteously, and I
being willing to be entreated, we tippled and chopined together most
theologically. In the meantime came Cyrus to beg one farthing of him for
the honour of Mercury, therewith to buy a few onions for his supper. No,
no, said Epictetus, I do not use in my almsgiving to bestow farthings.
Hold, thou varlet, there's a crown for thee; be an honest man. Cyrus was
exceeding glad to have met with such a booty; but the other poor rogues,
the kings that are there below, as Alexander, Darius, and others, stole it
away from him by night. I saw Pathelin, the treasurer of Rhadamanthus,
who, in cheapening the pudding-pies that Pope Julius cried, asked him how
much a dozen. Three blanks, said the Pope. Nay, said Pathelin, three
blows with a cudgel. Lay them down here, you rascal, and go fetch more.
The poor Pope went away weeping, who, when he came to his master, the
pie-maker, told him that they had taken away his pudding-pies. Whereupon
his master gave him such a sound lash with an eel-skin, that his own would
have been worth nothing to make bag-pipe-bags of. I saw Master John Le
Maire there personate the Pope in such fashion that he made all the poor
kings and popes of this world kiss his feet, and, taking great state upon
him, gave them his benediction, saying, Get the pardons, rogues, get the
pardons; they are good cheap. I absolve you of bread and pottage, and
dispense with you to be never good for anything. Then, calling Caillet and
Triboulet to him, he spoke these words, My lords the cardinals, despatch
their bulls, to wit, to each of them a blow with a cudgel upon the reins.
Which accordingly was forthwith performed. I heard Master Francis Villon
ask Xerxes, How much the mess of mustard? A farthing, said Xerxes. To
which the said Villon answered, The pox take thee for a villain! As much of
square-eared wheat is not worth half that price, and now thou offerest to
enhance the price of victuals. With this he pissed in his pot, as the
mustard-makers of Paris used to do. I saw the trained bowman of the bathing
tub, known by the name of the Francarcher de Baignolet, who, being one of
the trustees of the Inquisition, when he saw Perce-Forest making water
against a wall in which was painted the fire of St. Anthony, declared him
heretic, and would have caused him to be burnt alive had it not been for
Morgant, who, for his proficiat and other small fees, gave him nine tuns of
beer.

Well, said Pantagruel, reserve all these fair stories for another time,
only tell us how the usurers are there handled. I saw them, said
Epistemon, all very busily employed in seeking of rusty pins and old nails
in the kennels of the streets, as you see poor wretched rogues do in this
world. But the quintal, or hundredweight, of this old ironware is there
valued but at the price of a cantle of bread, and yet they have but a very
bad despatch and riddance in the sale of it. Thus the poor misers are
sometimes three whole weeks without eating one morsel or crumb of bread,
and yet work both day and night, looking for the fair to come.
Nevertheless, of all this labour, toil, and misery, they reckon nothing, so
cursedly active they are in the prosecution of that their base calling, in
hopes, at the end of the year, to earn some scurvy penny by it.

Come, said Pantagruel, let us now make ourselves merry one bout, and drink,
my lads, I beseech you, for it is very good drinking all this month. Then
did they uncase their flagons by heaps and dozens, and with their
leaguer-provision made excellent good cheer. But the poor King Anarchus
could not all this while settle himself towards any fit of mirth; whereupon
Panurge said, Of what trade shall we make my lord the king here, that he may
be skilful in the art when he goes thither to sojourn amongst all the devils
of hell? Indeed, said Pantagruel, that was well advised of thee. Do with
him what thou wilt, I give him to thee. Gramercy, said Panurge, the present
is not to be refused, and I love it from you.



Chapter 2. XXXI.

How Pantagruel entered into the city of the Amaurots, and how Panurge
married King Anarchus to an old lantern-carrying hag, and made him a crier
of green sauce.

After this wonderful victory, Pantagruel sent Carpalin unto the city of the
Amaurots to declare and signify unto them how the King Anarchus was taken
prisoner and all the enemies of the city overthrown. Which news when they
heard all the inhabitants of the city came forth to meet him in good order,
and with a great triumphant pomp, conducting him with a heavenly joy into
the city, where innumerable bonfires were set on through all the parts
thereof, and fair round tables, which were furnished with store of good
victuals, set out in the middle of the streets. This was a renewing of the
golden age in the time of Saturn, so good was the cheer which then they
made.

But Pantagruel, having assembled the whole senate and common councilmen of
the town, said, My masters, we must now strike the iron whilst it is hot.
It is therefore my will that, before we frolic it any longer, we advise how
to assault and take the whole kingdom of the Dipsodes. To which effect let
those that will go with me provide themselves against to-morrow after
drinking, for then will I begin to march. Not that I need any more men
than I have to help me to conquer it, for I could make it as sure that way
as if I had it already; but I see this city is so full of inhabitants that
they scarce can turn in the streets. I will, therefore, carry them as a
colony into Dipsody, and will give them all that country, which is fair,
wealthy, fruitful, and pleasant, above all other countries in the world, as
many of you can tell who have been there heretofore. Everyone of you,
therefore, that will go along, let him provide himself as I have said.
This counsel and resolution being published in the city, the next morning
there assembled in the piazza before the palace to the number of eighteen
hundred fifty-six thousand and eleven, besides women and little children.
Thus began they to march straight into Dipsody, in such good order as did
the people of Israel when they departed out of Egypt to pass over the Red
Sea.

But before we proceed any further in this purpose, I will tell you how
Panurge handled his prisoner the King Anarchus; for, having remembered that
which Epistemon had related, how the kings and rich men in this world were
used in the Elysian fields, and how they got their living there by base and
ignoble trades, he, therefore, one day apparelled his king in a pretty
little canvas doublet, all jagged and pinked like the tippet of a light
horseman's cap, together with a pair of large mariner's breeches, and
stockings without shoes,--For, said he, they would but spoil his sight,
--and a little peach-coloured bonnet with a great capon's feather in it--I
lie, for I think he had two--and a very handsome girdle of a sky-colour and
green (in French called pers et vert), saying that such a livery did become
him well, for that he had always been perverse, and in this plight bringing
him before Pantagruel, said unto him, Do you know this roister? No,
indeed, said Pantagruel. It is, said Panurge, my lord the king of the
three batches, or threadbare sovereign. I intend to make him an honest
man. These devilish kings which we have here are but as so many calves;
they know nothing and are good for nothing but to do a thousand mischiefs
to their poor subjects, and to trouble all the world with war for their
unjust and detestable pleasure. I will put him to a trade, and make him a
crier of green sauce. Go to, begin and cry, Do you lack any green sauce?
and the poor devil cried. That is too low, said Panurge; then took him by
the ear, saying, Sing higher in Ge, sol, re, ut. So, so poor devil, thou
hast a good throat; thou wert never so happy as to be no longer king. And
Pantagruel made himself merry with all this; for I dare boldly say that he
was the best little gaffer that was to be seen between this and the end of
a staff. Thus was Anarchus made a good crier of green sauce. Two days
thereafter Panurge married him with an old lantern-carrying hag, and he
himself made the wedding with fine sheep's heads, brave haslets with
mustard, gallant salligots with garlic, of which he sent five horseloads
unto Pantagruel, which he ate up all, he found them so appetizing.
And for their drink they had a kind of small well-watered wine, and some
sorbapple-cider. And, to make them dance, he hired a blind man that
made music to them with a wind-broach.

After dinner he led them to the palace and showed them to Pantagruel, and
said, pointing to the married woman, You need not fear that she will crack.
Why? said Pantagruel. Because, said Panurge, she is well slit and broke up
already. What do you mean by that? said Pantagruel. Do not you see, said
Panurge, that the chestnuts which are roasted in the fire, if they be whole
they crack as if they were mad, and, to keep them from cracking, they make
an incision in them and slit them? So this new bride is in her lower parts
well slit before, and therefore will not crack behind.

Pantagruel gave them a little lodge near the lower street and a mortar of
stone wherein to bray and pound their sauce, and in this manner did they do
their little business, he being as pretty a crier of green sauce as ever
was seen in the country of Utopia. But I have been told since that his
wife doth beat him like plaister, and the poor sot dare not defend himself,
he is so simple.



Chapter 2. XXXII.

How Pantagruel with his tongue covered a whole army, and what the author
saw in his mouth.

Thus, as Pantagruel with all his army had entered into the country of the
Dipsodes, everyone was glad of it, and incontinently rendered themselves
unto him, bringing him out of their own good wills the keys of all the
cities where he went, the Almirods only excepted, who, being resolved to
hold out against him, made answer to his heralds that they would not yield
but upon very honourable and good conditions.

What! said Pantagruel, do they ask any better terms than the hand at the
pot and the glass in their fist? Come, let us go sack them, and put them
all to the sword. Then did they put themselves in good order, as being
fully determined to give an assault, but by the way, passing through a
large field, they were overtaken with a great shower of rain, whereat they
began to shiver and tremble, to crowd, press, and thrust close to one
another. When Pantagruel saw that, he made their captains tell them that
it was nothing, and that he saw well above the clouds that it would be
nothing but a little dew; but, howsoever, that they should put themselves
in order, and he would cover them. Then did they put themselves in a close
order, and stood as near to (each) other as they could, and Pantagruel drew
out his tongue only half-way and covered them all, as a hen doth her
chickens. In the meantime, I, who relate to you these so veritable
stories, hid myself under a burdock-leaf, which was not much less in
largeness than the arch of the bridge of Montrible, but when I saw them
thus covered, I went towards them to shelter myself likewise; which I could
not do, for that they were so, as the saying is, At the yard's end there is
no cloth left. Then, as well as I could, I got upon it, and went along
full two leagues upon his tongue, and so long marched that at last I came
into his mouth. But, O gods and goddesses! what did I see there? Jupiter
confound me with his trisulc lightning if I lie! I walked there as they do
in Sophia (at) Constantinople, and saw there great rocks, like the
mountains in Denmark--I believe that those were his teeth. I saw also fair
meadows, large forests, great and strong cities not a jot less than Lyons
or Poictiers. The first man I met with there was a good honest fellow
planting coleworts, whereat being very much amazed, I asked him, My friend,
what dost thou make here? I plant coleworts, said he. But how, and
wherewith? said I. Ha, sir, said he, everyone cannot have his ballocks as
heavy as a mortar, neither can we be all rich. Thus do I get my poor
living, and carry them to the market to sell in the city which is here
behind. Jesus! said I, is there here a new world? Sure, said he, it is
never a jot new, but it is commonly reported that, without this, there is
an earth, whereof the inhabitants enjoy the light of a sun and a moon, and
that it is full of and replenished with very good commodities; but yet this
is more ancient than that. Yea but, said I, my friend, what is the name of
that city whither thou carriest thy coleworts to sell? It is called
Aspharage, said he, and all the indwellers are Christians, very honest men,
and will make you good cheer. To be brief, I resolved to go thither. Now,
in my way, I met with a fellow that was lying in wait to catch pigeons, of
whom I asked, My friend, from whence come these pigeons? Sir, said he,
they come from the other world. Then I thought that, when Pantagruel
yawned, the pigeons went into his mouth in whole flocks, thinking that it
had been a pigeon-house.

Then I went into the city, which I found fair, very strong, and seated in a
good air; but at my entry the guard demanded of me my pass or ticket.
Whereat I was much astonished, and asked them, My masters, is there any
danger of the plague here? O Lord! said they, they die hard by here so
fast that the cart runs about the streets. Good God! said I, and where?
Whereunto they answered that it was in Larynx and Pharynx, which are two
great cities such as Rouen and Nantes, rich and of great trading.
And the
cause of the plague was by a stinking and infectious exhalation which
lately vapoured out of the abysms, whereof there have died above two and
twenty hundred and threescore thousand and sixteen persons within this
sevennight. Then I considered, calculated, and found that it was a rank
and unsavoury breathing which came out of Pantagruel's stomach when he did
eat so much garlic, as we have aforesaid.

Parting from thence, I passed amongst the rocks, which were his teeth, and
never left walking till I got up on one of them; and there I found the
pleasantest places in the world, great large tennis-courts, fair galleries,
sweet meadows, store of vines, and an infinite number of banqueting summer
outhouses in the fields, after the Italian fashion, full of pleasure and
delight, where I stayed full four months, and never made better cheer in my
life as then. After that I went down by the hinder teeth to come to the
chaps. But in the way I was robbed by thieves in a great forest that is in
the territory towards the ears. Then, after a little further travelling, I
fell upon a pretty petty village--truly I have forgot the name of it--where
I was yet merrier than ever, and got some certain money to live by. Can
you tell how? By sleeping. For there they hire men by the day to sleep,
and they get by it sixpence a day, but they that can snort hard get at
least ninepence. How I had been robbed in the valley I informed the
senators, who told me that, in very truth, the people of that side were bad
livers and naturally thievish, whereby I perceived well that, as we have
with us the countries Cisalpine and Transalpine, that is, behither and
beyond the mountains, so have they there the countries Cidentine and
Tradentine, that is, behither and beyond the teeth. But it is far better
living on this side, and the air is purer. Then I began to think that it
is very true which is commonly said, that the one half of the world knoweth
not how the other half liveth; seeing none before myself had ever written
of that country, wherein are above five-and-twenty kingdoms inhabited,
besides deserts, and a great arm of the sea. Concerning which purpose I
have composed a great book, entitled, The History of the Throttias, because
they dwell in the throat of my master Pantagruel.

At last I was willing to return, and, passing by his beard, I cast myself
upon his shoulders, and from thence slid down to the ground, and fell
before him. As soon as I was perceived by him, he asked me, Whence comest
thou, Alcofribas? I answered him, Out of your mouth, my lord. And how
long hast thou been there? said he. Since the time, said I, that you went
against the Almirods. That is about six months ago, said he. And
wherewith didst thou live? What didst thou drink? I answered, My lord, of
the same that you did, and of the daintiest morsels that passed through
your throat I took toll. Yea but, said he, where didst thou shite? In
your throat, my lord, said I. Ha, ha! thou art a merry fellow, said he.
We have with the help of God conquered all the land of the Dipsodes; I will
give thee the Chastelleine, or Lairdship of Salmigondin. Gramercy, my
lord, said I, you gratify me beyond all that I have deserved of you.



Chapter 2. XXXIII.

How Pantagruel became sick, and the manner how he was recovered.

A while after this the good Pantagruel fell sick, and had such an
obstruction in his stomach that he could neither eat nor drink; and,
because mischief seldom comes alone, a hot piss seized on him, which
tormented him more than you would believe. His physicians nevertheless
helped him very well, and with store of lenitives and diuretic drugs made
him piss away his pain. His urine was so hot that since that time it is
not yet cold, and you have of it in divers places of France, according to
the course that it took, and they are called the hot baths, as--

At Coderets.
At Limous.
At Dast.
At Ballervie (Balleruc).
At Neric.
At Bourbonansie, and elsewhere in Italy.
At Mongros.
At Appone.
At Sancto Petro de Padua.
At St. Helen.
At Casa Nuova.
At St. Bartholomew, in the county of Boulogne.
At the Porrette, and a thousand other places.

And I wonder much at a rabble of foolish philosophers and physicians, who
spend their time in disputing whence the heat of the said waters cometh,
whether it be by reason of borax, or sulphur, or alum, or saltpetre, that
is within the mine. For they do nothing but dote, and better were it for
them to rub their arse against a thistle than to waste away their time thus
in disputing of that whereof they know not the original; for the resolution
is easy, neither need we to inquire any further than that the said baths
came by a hot piss of the good Pantagruel.

Now to tell you after what manner he was cured of his principal disease. I
let pass how for a minorative or gentle potion he took four hundred pound
weight of colophoniac scammony, six score and eighteen cartloads of cassia,
an eleven thousand and nine hundred pound weight of rhubarb, besides other
confuse jumblings of sundry drugs. You must understand that by the advice
of the physicians it was ordained that what did offend his stomach should
be taken away; and therefore they made seventeen great balls of copper,
each whereof was bigger than that which is to be seen on the top of St.
Peter's needle at Rome, and in such sort that they did open in the midst
and shut with a spring. Into one of them entered one of his men carrying a
lantern and a torch lighted, and so Pantagruel swallowed him down like a
little pill. Into seven others went seven country-fellows, having every
one of them a shovel on his neck. Into nine others entered nine
wood-carriers, having each of them a basket hung at his neck, and so were
they swallowed down like pills. When they were in his stomach, every one
undid his spring, and came out of their cabins. The first whereof was he
that carried the lantern, and so they fell more than half a league into a
most horrible gulf, more stinking and infectious than ever was Mephitis, or
the marshes of the Camerina, or the abominably unsavoury lake of Sorbona,
whereof Strabo maketh mention. And had it not been that they had very well
antidoted their stomach, heart, and wine-pot, which is called the noddle,
they had been altogether suffocated and choked with these detestable
vapours. O what a perfume! O what an evaporation wherewith to bewray the
masks or mufflers of young mangy queans. After that, with groping and
smelling they came near to the faecal matter and the corrupted humours.
Finally, they found a montjoy or heap of ordure and filth. Then fell the
pioneers to work to dig it up, and the rest with their shovels filled the
baskets; and when all was cleansed every one retired himself into his ball.

This done, Pantagruel enforcing himself to vomit, very easily brought them
out, and they made no more show in his mouth than a fart in yours. But,
when they came merrily out of their pills, I thought upon the Grecians
coming out of the Trojan horse. By this means was he healed and brought
unto his former state and convalescence; and of these brazen pills, or
rather copper balls, you have one at Orleans, upon the steeple of the Holy
Cross Church.



Chapter 2. XXXIV.

The conclusion of this present book, and the excuse of the author.

Now, my masters, you have heard a beginning of the horrific history of my
lord and master Pantagruel. Here will I make an end of the first book. My
head aches a little, and I perceive that the registers of my brain are
somewhat jumbled and disordered with this Septembral juice. You shall have
the rest of the history at Frankfort mart next coming, and there shall you
see how Panurge was married and made a cuckold within a month after his
wedding; how Pantagruel found out the philosopher's stone, the manner how
he found it, and the way how to use it; how he passed over the Caspian
mountains, and how he sailed through the Atlantic sea, defeated the
Cannibals, and conquered the isles of Pearls; how he married the daughter
of the King of India, called Presthan; how he fought against the devil and
burnt up five chambers of hell, ransacked the great black chamber, threw
Proserpina into the fire, broke five teeth to Lucifer, and the horn that
was in his arse; how he visited the regions of the moon to know whether
indeed the moon were not entire and whole, or if the women had three
quarters of it in their heads, and a thousand other little merriments all
veritable. These are brave things truly. Good night, gentlemen.
Perdonate mi, and think not so much upon my faults that you forget your
own.

If you say to me, Master, it would seem that you were not very wise in
writing to us these flimflam stories and pleasant fooleries; I answer you,
that you are not much wiser to spend your time in reading them.
Nevertheless, if you read them to make yourselves merry, as in manner of
pastime I wrote them, you and I both are far more worthy of pardon than a
great rabble of squint-minded fellows, dissembling and counterfeit saints,
demure lookers, hypocrites, pretended zealots, tough friars, buskin-monks,
and other such sects of men, who disguise themselves like masquers to
deceive the world. For, whilst they give the common people to understand
that they are busied about nothing but contemplation and devotion in
fastings and maceration of their sensuality--and that only to sustain and
aliment the small frailty of their humanity--it is so far otherwise that,
on the contrary, God knows what cheer they make; Et Curios simulant, sed
Bacchanalia vivunt. You may read it in great letters in the colouring of
their red snouts, and gulching bellies as big as a tun, unless it be when
they perfume themselves with sulphur. As for their study, it is wholly
taken up in reading of Pantagruelian books, not so much to pass the time
merrily as to hurt someone or other mischievously, to wit, in articling,
sole-articling, wry-neckifying, buttock-stirring, ballocking, and
diabliculating, that is, calumniating. Wherein they are like unto the poor
rogues of a village that are busy in stirring up and scraping in the ordure
and filth of little children, in the season of cherries and guinds, and
that only to find the kernels, that they may sell them to the druggists to
make thereof pomander oil. Fly from these men, abhor and hate them as much
as I do, and upon my faith you will find yourselves the better for it. And
if you desire to be good Pantagruelists, that is to say, to live in peace,
joy, health, making yourselves always merry, never trust those men that
always peep out at one hole.

End of Book II.






BOOK III.


THE THIRD BOOK


Francois Rabelais to the Soul of the Deceased Queen of Navarre.

Abstracted soul, ravished with ecstasies,
Gone back, and now familiar in the skies,
Thy former host, thy body, leaving quite,
Which to obey thee always took delight,--
Obsequious, ready,--now from motion free,
Senseless, and as it were in apathy,
Wouldst thou not issue forth for a short space,
From that divine, eternal, heavenly place,
To see the third part, in this earthy cell,
Of the brave acts of good Pantagruel?



The Author's Prologue.

Good people, most illustrious drinkers, and you, thrice precious gouty
gentlemen, did you ever see Diogenes, and cynic philosopher? If you have
seen him, you then had your eyes in your head, or I am very much out of my
understanding and logical sense. It is a gallant thing to see the
clearness of (wine, gold,) the sun. I'll be judged by the blind born so
renowned in the sacred Scriptures, who, having at his choice to ask
whatever he would from him who is Almighty, and whose word in an instant is
effectually performed, asked nothing else but that he might see. Item, you
are not young, which is a competent quality for you to philosophate more
than physically in wine, not in vain, and henceforwards to be of the
Bacchic Council; to the end that, opining there, you may give your opinion
faithfully of the substance, colour, excellent odour, eminency, propriety,
faculty, virtue, and effectual dignity of the said blessed and desired
liquor.

If you have not seen him, as I am easily induced to believe that you have
not, at least you have heard some talk of him. For through the air, and
the whole extent of this hemisphere of the heavens, hath his report and
fame, even until this present time, remained very memorable and renowned.
Then all of you are derived from the Phrygian blood, if I be not deceived.
If you have not so many crowns as Midas had, yet have you something, I know
not what, of him, which the Persians of old esteemed more of in all their
otacusts, and which was more desired by the Emperor Antonine, and gave
occasion thereafter to the Basilico at Rohan to be surnamed Goodly Ears.
If you have not heard of him, I will presently tell you a story to make
your wine relish. Drink then,--so, to the purpose. Hearken now whilst I
give you notice, to the end that you may not, like infidels, be by your
simplicity abused, that in his time he was a rare philosopher and the
cheerfullest of a thousand. If he had some imperfection, so have you, so
have we; for there is nothing, but God, that is perfect. Yet so it was,
that by Alexander the Great, although he had Aristotle for his instructor
and domestic, was he held in such estimation, that he wished, if he had not
been Alexander, to have been Diogenes the Sinopian.

When Philip, King of Macedon, enterprised the siege and ruin of Corinth,
the Corinthians having received certain intelligence by their spies that he
with a numerous army in battle-rank was coming against them, were all of
them, not without cause, most terribly afraid; and therefore were not
neglective of their duty in doing their best endeavours to put themselves
in a fit posture to resist his hostile approach and defend their own city.

Some from the fields brought into the fortified places their movables,
bestial, corn, wine, fruit, victuals, and other necessary provision.

Others did fortify and rampire their walls, set up little fortresses,
bastions, squared ravelins, digged trenches, cleansed countermines, fenced
themselves with gabions, contrived platforms, emptied casemates, barricaded
the false brays, erected the cavaliers, repaired the counterscarps,
plastered the curtains, lengthened ravelins, stopped parapets, morticed
barbacans, assured the portcullises, fastened the herses, sarasinesques,
and cataracts, placed their sentries, and doubled their patrol. Everyone
did watch and ward, and not one was exempted from carrying the basket.
Some polished corslets, varnished backs and breasts, cleaned the
headpieces, mail-coats, brigandines, salads, helmets, morions, jacks,
gushets, gorgets, hoguines, brassars, and cuissars, corslets, haubergeons,
shields, bucklers, targets, greaves, gauntlets, and spurs. Others made
ready bows, slings, crossbows, pellets, catapults, migrains or fire-balls,
firebrands, balists, scorpions, and other such warlike engines expugnatory
and destructive to the Hellepolides. They sharpened and prepared spears,
staves, pikes, brown bills, halberds, long hooks, lances, zagayes,
quarterstaves, eelspears, partisans, troutstaves, clubs, battle-axes,
maces, darts, dartlets, glaives, javelins, javelots, and truncheons. They
set edges upon scimitars, cutlasses, badelairs, backswords, tucks, rapiers,
bayonets, arrow-heads, dags, daggers, mandousians, poniards, whinyards,
knives, skeans, shables, chipping knives, and raillons.

Every man exercised his weapon, every man scoured off the rust from his
natural hanger; nor was there a woman amongst them, though never so
reserved or old, who made not her harness to be well furbished; as you know
the Corinthian women of old were reputed very courageous combatants.

Diogenes seeing them all so warm at work, and himself not employed by the
magistrates in any business whatsoever, he did very seriously, for many
days together, without speaking one word, consider and contemplate the
countenance of his fellow-citizens.

Then on a sudden, as if he had been roused up and inspired by a martial
spirit, he girded his cloak scarfwise about his left arm, tucked up his
sleeves to the elbow, trussed himself like a clown gathering apples, and,
giving to one of his old acquaintance his wallet, books, and opistographs,
away went he out of town towards a little hill or promontory of Corinth
called (the) Cranie; and there on the strand, a pretty level place, did he
roll his jolly tub, which served him for a house to shelter him from the
injuries of the weather: there, I say, in a great vehemency of spirit, did
he turn it, veer it, wheel it, whirl it, frisk it, jumble it, shuffle it,
huddle it, tumble it, hurry it, jolt it, justle it, overthrow it, evert it,
invert it, subvert it, overturn it, beat it, thwack it, bump it, batter it,
knock it, thrust it, push it, jerk it, shock it, shake it, toss it, throw
it, overthrow it, upside down, topsy-turvy, arsiturvy, tread it, trample
it, stamp it, tap it, ting it, ring it, tingle it, towl it, sound it,
resound it, stop it, shut it, unbung it, close it, unstopple it. And then
again in a mighty bustle he bandied it, slubbered it, hacked it, whittled
it, wayed it, darted it, hurled it, staggered it, reeled it, swinged it,
brangled it, tottered it, lifted it, heaved it, transformed it,
transfigured it, transposed it, transplaced it, reared it, raised it,
hoised it, washed it, dighted it, cleansed it, rinsed it, nailed it,
settled it, fastened it, shackled it, fettered it, levelled it, blocked it,
tugged it, tewed it, carried it, bedashed it, bewrayed it, parched it,
mounted it, broached it, nicked it, notched it, bespattered it, decked it,
adorned it, trimmed it, garnished it, gauged it, furnished it, bored it,
pierced it, trapped it, rumbled it, slid it down the hill, and precipitated
it from the very height of the Cranie; then from the foot to the top (like
another Sisyphus with his stone) bore it up again, and every way so banged
it and belaboured it that it was ten thousand to one he had not struck the
bottom of it out.

Which when one of his friends had seen, and asked him why he did so toil
his body, perplex his spirit, and torment his tub, the philosopher's answer
was that, not being employed in any other charge by the Republic, he
thought it expedient to thunder and storm it so tempestuously upon his tub,
that amongst a people so fervently busy and earnest at work he alone might
not seem a loitering slug and lazy fellow. To the same purpose may I say
of myself,

Though I be rid from fear,
I am not void of care.

For, perceiving no account to be made of me towards the discharge of a
trust of any great concernment, and considering that through all the parts
of this most noble kingdom of France, both on this and on the other side of
the mountains, everyone is most diligently exercised and busied, some in
the fortifying of their own native country for its defence, others in the
repulsing of their enemies by an offensive war; and all this with a policy
so excellent and such admirable order, so manifestly profitable for the
future, whereby France shall have its frontiers most magnifically enlarged,
and the French assured of a long and well-grounded peace, that very little
withholds me from the opinion of good Heraclitus, which affirmeth war to be
the father of all good things; and therefore do I believe that war is in
Latin called bellum, not by antiphrasis, as some patchers of old rusty
Latin would have us to think, because in war there is little beauty to be
seen, but absolutely and simply; for that in war appeareth all that is good
and graceful, and that by the wars is purged out all manner of wickedness
and deformity. For proof whereof the wise and pacific Solomon could no
better represent the unspeakable perfection of the divine wisdom, than by
comparing it to the due disposure and ranking of an army in battle array,
well provided and ordered.

Therefore, by reason of my weakness and inability, being reputed by my
compatriots unfit for the offensive part of warfare; and on the other side,
being no way employed in matter of the defensive, although it had been but
to carry burthens, fill ditches, or break clods, either whereof had been to
me indifferent, I held it not a little disgraceful to be only an idle
spectator of so many valorous, eloquent, and warlike persons, who in the
view and sight of all Europe act this notable interlude or tragi-comedy,
and not make some effort towards the performance of this, nothing at all
remains for me to be done ('And not exert myself, and contribute thereto
this nothing, my all, which remained for me to do. '--Ozell. ). In my
opinion, little honour is due to such as are mere lookers-on, liberal of
their eyes, and of their crowns, and hide their silver; scratching their
head with one finger like grumbling puppies, gaping at the flies like tithe
calves; clapping down their ears like Arcadian asses at the melody of
musicians, who with their very countenances in the depth of silence express
their consent to the prosopopoeia. Having made this choice and election,
it seemed to me that my exercise therein would be neither unprofitable nor
troublesome to any, whilst I should thus set a-going my Diogenical tub,
which is all that is left me safe from the shipwreck of my former
misfortunes.

At this dingle dangle wagging of my tub, what would you have me to do? By
the Virgin that tucks up her sleeve, I know not as yet. Stay a little,
till I suck up a draught of this bottle; it is my true and only Helicon; it
is my Caballine fountain; it is my sole enthusiasm. Drinking thus, I
meditate, discourse, resolve, and conclude. After that the epilogue is
made, I laugh, I write, I compose, and drink again. Ennius drinking wrote,
and writing drank. Aeschylus, if Plutarch in his Symposiacs merit any
faith, drank composing, and drinking composed. Homer never wrote fasting,
and Cato never wrote till after he had drunk. These passages I have
brought before you to the end you may not say that I lived without the
example of men well praised and better prized. It is good and fresh
enough, even as if you would say it is entering upon the second degree.
God, the good God Sabaoth, that is to say, the God of armies, be praised
for it eternally! If you after the same manner would take one great
draught, or two little ones, whilst you have your gown about you, I truly
find no kind of inconveniency in it, provided you send up to God for all
some small scantling of thanks.

Since then my luck or destiny is such as you have heard--for it is not for
everybody to go to Corinth--I am fully resolved to be so little idle and
unprofitable, that I will set myself to serve the one and the other sort of
people. Amongst the diggers, pioneers, and rampire-builders, I will do as
did Neptune and Apollo at Troy under Laomedon, or as did Renault of
Montauban in his latter days: I will serve the masons, I'll set on the pot
to boil for the bricklayers; and, whilst the minced meat is making ready at
the sound of my small pipe, I'll measure the muzzle of the musing dotards.
Thus did Amphion with the melody of his harp found, build, and finish the
great and renowned city of Thebes.

For the use of the warriors I am about to broach of new my barrel to give
them a taste (which by two former volumes of mine, if by the deceitfulness
and falsehood of printers they had not been jumbled, marred, and spoiled,
you would have very well relished), and draw unto them, of the growth of
our own trippery pastimes, a gallant third part of a gallon, and
consequently a jolly cheerful quart of Pantagruelic sentences, which you
may lawfully call, if you please, Diogenical: and shall have me, seeing I
cannot be their fellow-soldier, for their faithful butler, refreshing and
cheering, according to my little power, their return from the alarms of the
enemy; as also for an indefatigable extoller of their martial exploits and
glorious achievements. I shall not fail therein, par lapathium acutum de
dieu; if Mars fail not in Lent, which the cunning lecher, I warrant you,
will be loth to do.

I remember nevertheless to have read, that Ptolemy, the son of Lagus, one
day, amongst the many spoils and booties which by his victories he had
acquired, presenting to the Egyptians, in the open view of the people, a
Bactrian camel all black, and a party-coloured slave, in such sort as that
the one half of his body was black and the other white, not in partition of
breadth by the diaphragma, as was that woman consecrated to the Indian
Venus whom the Tyanean philosopher did see between the river Hydaspes and
Mount Caucasus, but in a perpendicular dimension of altitude; which were
things never before that seen in Egypt. He expected by the show of these
novelties to win the love of the people. But what happened thereupon? At
the production of the camel they were all affrighted, and offended at the
sight of the party-coloured man--some scoffed at him as a detestable
monster brought forth by the error of nature; in a word, of the hope which
he had to please these Egyptians, and by such means to increase the
affection which they naturally bore him, he was altogether frustrate and
disappointed; understanding fully by their deportments that they took more
pleasure and delight in things that were proper, handsome, and perfect,
than in misshapen, monstrous, and ridiculous creatures. Since which time
he had both the slave and the camel in such dislike, that very shortly
thereafter, either through negligence, or for want of ordinary sustenance,
they did exchange their life with death.

This example putteth me in a suspense between hope and fear, misdoubting
that, for the contentment which I aim at, I will but reap what shall be
most distasteful to me: my cake will be dough, and for my Venus I shall
have but some deformed puppy: instead of serving them, I shall but vex
them, and offend them whom I purpose to exhilarate; resembling in this
dubious adventure Euclion's cook, so renowned by Plautus in his Pot, and by
Ausonius in his Griphon, and by divers others; which cook, for having by
his scraping discovered a treasure, had his hide well curried. Put the
case I get no anger by it, though formerly such things fell out, and the
like may occur again. Yet, by Hercules! it will not. So I perceive in
them all one and the same specifical form, and the like individual
properties, which our ancestors called Pantagruelism; by virtue whereof
they will bear with anything that floweth from a good, free, and loyal
heart. I have seen them ordinarily take goodwill in part of payment, and
remain satisfied therewith when one was not able to do better. Having
despatched this point, I return to my barrel.

Up, my lads, to this wine, spare it not! Drink, boys, and trowl it off at
full bowls! If you do not think it good, let it alone. I am not like
those officious and importunate sots, who by force, outrage, and violence,
constrain an easy good-natured fellow to whiffle, quaff, carouse, and what
is worse. All honest tipplers, all honest gouty men, all such as are
a-dry, coming to this little barrel of mine, need not drink thereof if it
please them not; but if they have a mind to it, and that the wine prove
agreeable to the tastes of their worshipful worships, let them drink,
frankly, freely, and boldly, without paying anything, and welcome. This is
my decree, my statute and ordinance.

And let none fear there shall be any want of wine, as at the marriage of
Cana in Galilee; for how much soever you shall draw forth at the faucet, so
much shall I tun in at the bung. Thus shall the barrel remain
inexhaustible; it hath a lively spring and perpetual current. Such was the
beverage contained within the cup of Tantalus, which was figuratively
represented amongst the Brachman sages. Such was in Iberia the mountain of
salt so highly written of by Cato. Such was the branch of gold consecrated
to the subterranean goddess, which Virgil treats of so sublimely. It is a
true cornucopia of merriment and raillery. If at any time it seem to you
to be emptied to the very lees, yet shall it not for all that be drawn
wholly dry. Good hope remains there at the bottom, as in Pandora's bottle;
and not despair, as in the puncheon of the Danaids. Remark well what I
have said, and what manner of people they be whom I do invite; for, to the
end that none be deceived, I, in imitation of Lucilius, who did protest
that he wrote only to his own Tarentines and Consentines, have not pierced
this vessel for any else but you honest men, who are drinkers of the first
edition, and gouty blades of the highest degree. The great dorophages,
bribe-mongers, have on their hands occupation enough, and enough on the
hooks for their venison. There may they follow their prey; here is no
garbage for them. You pettifoggers, garblers, and masters of chicanery,
speak not to me, I beseech you, in the name of, and for the reverence you
bear to the four hips that engendered you and to the quickening peg which
at that time conjoined them. As for hypocrites, much less; although they
were all of them unsound in body, pockified, scurvy, furnished with
unquenchable thirst and insatiable eating. (And wherefore? ) Because
indeed they are not of good but of evil, and of that evil from which we
daily pray to God to deliver us. And albeit we see them sometimes
counterfeit devotion, yet never did old ape make pretty moppet. Hence,
mastiffs; dogs in a doublet, get you behind; aloof, villains, out of my
sunshine; curs, to the devil! Do you jog hither, wagging your tails, to
pant at my wine, and bepiss my barrel? Look, here is the cudgel which
Diogenes, in his last will, ordained to be set by him after his death, for
beating away, crushing the reins, and breaking the backs of these bustuary
hobgoblins and Cerberian hellhounds. Pack you hence, therefore, you
hypocrites, to your sheep-dogs; get you gone, you dissemblers, to the
devil! Hay! What, are you there yet? I renounce my part of Papimanie, if
I snatch you, Grr, Grrr, Grrrrrr. Avaunt, avaunt! Will you not be gone?
May you never shit till you be soundly lashed with stirrup leather, never
piss but by the strapado, nor be otherwise warmed than by the bastinado.






THE THIRD BOOK.


Chapter 3. I.

How Pantagruel transported a colony of Utopians into Dipsody.

Pantagruel, having wholly subdued the land of Dipsody, transported
thereunto a colony of Utopians, to the number of 9,876,543,210 men, besides
the women and little children, artificers of all trades, and professors of
all sciences, to people, cultivate, and improve that country, which
otherwise was ill inhabited, and in the greatest part thereof but a mere
desert and wilderness; and did transport them (not) so much for the
excessive multitude of men and women, which were in Utopia multiplied, for
number, like grasshoppers upon the face of the land. You understand well
enough, nor is it needful further to explain it to you, that the Utopian
men had so rank and fruitful genitories, and that the Utopian women carried
matrixes so ample, so gluttonous, so tenaciously retentive, and so
architectonically cellulated, that at the end of every ninth month seven
children at the least, what male what female, were brought forth by every
married woman, in imitation of the people of Israel in Egypt, if Anthony
(Nicholas) de Lyra be to be trusted. Nor yet was this transplantation made
so much for the fertility of the soil, the wholesomeness of the air, or
commodity of the country of Dipsody, as to retain that rebellious people
within the bounds of their duty and obedience, by this new transport of his
ancient and most faithful subjects, who, from all time out of mind, never
knew, acknowledged, owned, or served any other sovereign lord but him; and
who likewise, from the very instant of their birth, as soon as they were
entered into this world, had, with the milk of their mothers and nurses,
sucked in the sweetness, humanity, and mildness of his government, to which
they were all of them so nourished and habituated, that there was nothing
surer than that they would sooner abandon their lives than swerve from this
singular and primitive obedience naturally due to their prince,
whithersoever they should be dispersed or removed.

And not only should they, and their children successively descending from
their blood, be such, but also would keep and maintain in this same fealty
and obsequious observance all the nations lately annexed to his empire;
which so truly came to pass that therein he was not disappointed of his
intent. For if the Utopians were before their transplantation thither
dutiful and faithful subjects, the Dipsodes, after some few days conversing
with them, were every whit as, if not more, loyal than they; and that by
virtue of I know not what natural fervency incident to all human creatures
at the beginning of any labour wherein they take delight: solemnly
attesting the heavens and supreme intelligences of their being only sorry
that no sooner unto their knowledge had arrived the great renown of the
good Pantagruel.

Remark therefore here, honest drinkers, that the manner of preserving and
retaining countries newly conquered in obedience is not, as hath been the
erroneous opinion of some tyrannical spirits to their own detriment and
dishonour, to pillage, plunder, force, spoil, trouble, oppress, vex,
disquiet, ruin and destroy the people, ruling, governing and keeping them
in awe with rods of iron; and, in a word, eating and devouring them, after
the fashion that Homer calls an unjust and wicked king, Demoboron, that is
to say, a devourer of his people.

I will not bring you to this purpose the testimony of ancient writers. It
shall suffice to put you in mind of what your fathers have seen thereof,
and yourselves too, if you be not very babes. Newborn, they must be given
suck to, rocked in a cradle, and dandled.