No More Learning

Bri_. For shame, Laura! how can you talk so? --or if you
must have a military man, there's Lieutenant Plow, or Captain Haycock,
or Major Dray, the brewer, are all your admirers; and though they are
peaceable, good kind of men, they have as large cockades, and become
scarlet, as well as the fighting folks.

_Lau_. Psha! you know, mamma, I hate militia officers; a set of
dunghill cocks with spurs on--heroes scratched off a church door--
clowns in military masquerade, wearing the dress without supporting
the character. No, give me the bold upright youth, who makes love to-
day, and his head shot off to-morrow. Dear! to think how the sweet
fellows sleep on the ground, and fight in silk stockings and lace
ruffles.

_Mrs. Bri_. Oh, barbarous! to want a husband that may wed you to-
day, and be sent the Lord knows where before night; then in a
twelvemonth perhaps to have him come like a Colossus, with one leg at
New York, and the other at Chelsea Hospital.

_Lau_. Then I'll be his crutch, mamma.

_Mrs. Bri_. No, give me a husband that knows where his limbs are,
though he want the use of them:--and if he should take you with him,
to sleep in a baggage-cart, and stroll about the camp like a gipsy,
with a knapsack and two children at your back; then, by way of
entertainment in the evening, to make a party with the serjeant's wife
to drink bohea tea, and play at all-fours on a drum-head:--'tis a
precious life, to be sure!

_Lau_. Nay, mamma, you shouldn't be against my lieutenant, for I
heard him say you were the best natured and best looking woman in the
world.

_Mrs. Bri_. Why, child, I never said but that Lieutenant O'Connor
was a very well-bred and discerning young man; 'tis your papa is so
violent against him.

_Lau_. Why, Cousin Sophy married an officer.

_Mrs. Bri_. Ay, Laura, an officer of the militia.

_Lau_. No, indeed, ma'am, a marching regiment.

_Mrs. Bri_. No, child, I tell you he was a major of militia.

_Lau_. Indeed, mamma, it wasn't.


_Enter_ JUSTICE CREDULOUS.

_Just_. Bridget, my love, I have had a message.

_Lau_. It was cousin Sophy told me so.

_Just_. I have had a message, love--

_Mrs. Bri_. No, child, she would say no such thing.

_Just_. A message, I say.

_Lau_. How could he be in the militia when he was ordered abroad?

_Mrs. Bri_. Ay, girl, hold your tongue! --Well, my dear.

_Just_. I have had a message from Doctor Rosy.

_Mrs. Bri_. He ordered abroad! He went abroad for his health.

_Just_. Why, Bridget! --

_Mrs. Bri_. Well, deary. --Now hold your tongue, miss.

_Jus_. A message from Dr. Rosy, and Dr. Rosy says--

_Lau_. I'm sure, mamma, his regimentals--

_Just_. Damn his regimentals! --Why don't you listen?

_Mrs. Bri_. Ay, girl, how durst you interrupt your papa?

_Lau_. Well, papa.

_Just_. Dr. Rosy says he'll bring--

_Lau_. Were blue turned up with red, mamma.

_Just_. Laury! --says he will bring the young man--

_Mrs. Bri_. Red! yellow, if you please, miss.

_Just_. Bridget! --the young man that is to be hired--

_Mrs. Bri_. Besides, miss, it is very unbecoming in you to want
to have the last word with your mamma; you should know--

_Just_. Why, zounds! will you hear me or no?

_Mrs. Bri_. I am listening, my love, I am listening! --But what
signifies my silence, what good is my not speaking a word, if this
girl will interrupt and let nobody speak but herself? --Ay, I don't
wonder, my life, at your impatience; your poor dear lips quiver to
speak; but I suppose she'll run on, and not let you put in a word. --
You may very well be angry; there is nothing, sure, so provoking as a
chattering, talking--

_Lau_. Nay, I'm sure, mamma, it is you will not let papa speak
now.

_Mrs. Bri_. Why, you little provoking minx----

_Just_. Get out of the room directly, both of you--get out!

_Mrs. Bri_. Ay, go, girl.

_Just_. Go, Bridget, you are worse than she, you old hag. I wish
you were both up to the neck in the canal, to argue there till I took
you out.


_Enter_ SERVANT.

_Ser_. Doctor Rosy, sir

_Just_. Show him up. [_Exit_ SERVANT. ]

_Lau_. Then you own, mamma, it was a marching regiment?

_Mrs. Bri_. You're an obstinate fool, I tell you; for if that had
been the case----

_Just_. You won't go?

_Mrs. Bri_. We are going, Mr. Surly. --If that had been the case,
I say, how could----

_Lau_. Nay, mamma, one proof----

_Mrs. Bri_. How could Major----

_Lau_. And a full proof----

[JUSTICE CREDULOUS _drives them off_. ]

_Just_. There they go, ding dong in for the day. Good lack! a
fluent tongue is the only thing a mother don't like her daughter to
resemble her in.


_Enter_ DOCTOR ROSY.

Well, doctor, where's the lad--where's Trusty?

_Rosy_. At hand; he'll be here in a minute, I'll answer for't.
He's such a one as you an't met with,--brave as a lion, gentle as a
saline draught.

_Just_. Ah, he comes in the place of a rogue, a dog that was
corrupted by the lieutenant. But this is a sturdy fellow, is he,
doctor?

_Rosy_. As Hercules; and the best back-sword in the country.
Egad, he'll make the red coats keep their distance.

_Just. _ O the villains; this is St. Patrick's day, and the rascals
have been parading my house all the morning. I know they have a design
upon me; but I have taken all precautions: I have magazines of arms,
and if this fellow does but prove faithful, I shall be more at ease.

_Rosy_. Doubtless he'll be a comfort to you.


_Re-enter_ SERVANT.

_Ser_. There is a man below, inquires for Doctor Rosy.

_Rosy_. Show him up.

_Just_. Hold! a little caution--how does he look?

_Ser_. A country-looking fellow, your worship.

_Just_. Oh, well, well, for Doctor Rosy; these rascals try all
ways to get in here.

_Ser_. Yes, please your worship; there was one here this morning
wanted to speak to you; he said his name was Corporal Breakbones.

_Just_. Corporal Breakbones!

_Ser_. And Drummer Crackskull came again.

_Just_. Ay, did you ever hear of such a damned confounded crew?
Well, show the lad in here! [_Exit_ SERVANT. ]

_Rosy_. Ay, he'll be your porter; he'll give the rogues an
answer.


_Enter_ LIEUTENANT O'CONNOR, _disguised_.

_Just_. So, a tall--Efacks! what! has lost an eye?

_Rosy_. Only a bruise he got in taking seven or eight highwaymen.

_Just_. He has a damned wicked leer somehow with the other.

_Rosy_. Oh, no, he's bashful--a sheepish look----

_Just_. Well, my lad, what's your name?

_O'Con_. Humphrey Hum.

_Just_. Hum--I don't like Hum!

_O'Con_. But I be mostly called honest Humphrey----

_Rosy_. There, I told you so, of noted honesty.

_Just_. Well, honest Humphrey, the doctor has told you my terms,
and you are willing to serve, hey?

_O'Con_. And please your worship I shall be well content.

_Just_.
Well, then, hark'ye, honest Humphrey,--you are sure now,
you will never be a rogue--never take a bribe hey, honest Humphrey?

_O'Con_. A bribe! what's that?

_Just. _ A very ignorant fellow indeed!

_Rosy_. His worship hopes you will not part with your honesty for
money.

_O'Con_. Noa, noa.

_Just_. Well said, Humphrey--my chief business with you is to
watch the motions of a rake-helly fellow here, one Lieutenant
O'Connor.

_Rosy_. Ay, you don't value the soldiers, do you, Humphrey?

_O'Con_. Not I; they are but zwaggerers, and you'll see they'll
be as much afraid of me as they would of their captain.

_Just_. And i'faith, Humphrey, you have a pretty cudgel there!

_O'Con_. Ay, the zwitch is better than nothing, but I should be
glad of a stouter: ha' you got such a thing in the house as an old
coach-pole, or a spare bed-post?

_Just_. Oons, what a dragon it is! --Well, Humphrey, come with
me. --I'll just show him to Bridget, doctor, and we'll agree. --Come
along, honest Humphrey. [_Exit_. ]

_O'Con_. My dear doctor, now remember to bring the justice
presently to the walk: I have a scheme to get into his confidence at
once.

_Rosy_. I will, I will. [_They shake hands_. ]


_Re-enter_ JUSTICE CREDULOUS.

_Just_. Why, honest Humphrey, hey! what the devil are you at?

_Rosy_. I was just giving him a little advice. --Well I must go
for the present. --Good-morning to your worship--you need not fear the
lieutenant while he is in your house.

_Just_. Well, get in, Humphrey. Good-morning to you, doctor. --
[_Exit_ DOCTOR ROSY. ] Come along, Humphrey. --Now I think I am a
match for the lieutenant and all his gang. [_Exeunt_. ]




ACT II.

SCENE I. --_A Street_.

_Enter_ SERJEANT TROUNCE, DRUMMER _and_ SOLDIERS.


_Trounce_. Come, silence your drum--there is no valour stirring
to-day. I thought St. Patrick would have given us a recruit or two to-
day.

_Sol_. Mark, serjeant!


_Enter two_ COUNTRYMEN.

_Trounce_. Oh! these are the lads I was looking for; they have
the look of gentlemen. --An't you single, my lads?

1 _Coun_. Yes, an please you, I be quite single: my relations be
all dead, thank heavens, more or less. I have but one poor mother left
in the world, and she's an helpless woman.

_Trounce_. Indeed! a very extraordinary case--quite your own
master then--the fitter to serve his Majesty. --Can you read?

1 _Coun_. Noa, I was always too lively to take to learning; but
John here is main clever at it.

_Trounce_. So, what you're a scholar, friend?

2 _Coun_. I was born so, measter. Feyther kept grammar-school.

_Trounce_. Lucky man--in a campaign or two put yourself down
chaplain to the regiment. And I warrant you have read of warriors and
heroes?

2 _Coun_. Yes, that I have: I have read of Jack the Giant Killer,
and the Dragon of Wantly, and the--Noa, I believe that's all in the
hero way, except once about a comet.

_Trounce_. Wonderful knowledge! --Well, my heroes, I'll write word
to the king of your good intentions, and meet me half an hour hence at
the Two Magpies.

_Coun_. We will, your honour, we will.

_Trounce_. But stay; for fear I shouldn't see you again in the
crowd, clap these little bits of ribbon into your hats.

1 _Coun_. Our hats are none of the best.

_Trounce_. Well, meet me at the Magpies, and I'll give you money
to buy new ones.

_Coun_. Bless your honour, thank your honour. [_Exeunt_. ]

_Trounce_. [_Winking at_ SOLDIERS. ] Jack! [_Exeunt_
SOLDIERS. ]


_Enter_ LIEUTENANT O'CONNOR.

So, here comes one would make a grenadier--Stop, friend, will you
list?

_O'Con_. Who shall I serve under?

_Trounce_. Under me, to be sure.

_O'Con_. Isn't Lieutenant O'Connor your officer?

_Trounce_. He is, and I am commander over him.

_O'Con_. What! be your serjeants greater than your captains?

_Trounce_. To be sure we are; 'tis our business to keep them in
order. For instance, now, the general writes to me, dear Serjeant, or
dear Trounce, or dear Serjeant Trounce, according to his hurry, if
your lieutenant does not demean himself accordingly, let me know. --
Yours, General Deluge.

_O'Con_. And do you complain of him often?

_Trounce_. No, hang him, the lad is good-natured at the bottom,
so I pass over small things. But hark'ee, between ourselves, he is
most confoundedly given to wenching.


_Enter_ CORPORAL FLINT.

_Flint_. Please your honour, the doctor is coming this way with
his worship--We are all ready, and have our cues. [_Exit_. ]

_O'Con_. Then, my dear Trounce, or my dear Sergeant, or my dear
Serjeant Trounce, take yourself away.

_Trounce_. Zounds! the lieutenant--I smell of the black hole
already. [_Exit_. ]


_Enter_ JUSTICE CREDULOUS _and_ DOCTOR ROSY.

_Just_. I thought I saw some of the cut-throats.

_Rosy_. I fancy not; there's no one but honest Humphrey. Ha! Odds
life, here comes some of them--we'll stay by these trees, and let them
pass.

_Just_. Oh, the bloody-looking dogs!

[_Walks aside with_ DOCTOR ROSY. ] _Re-enter_ CORPORAL FLINT
_and two_ SOLDIERS.

_Flint_. Halloa, friend! do you serve Justice Credulous?

_O'Con_. I do.

_Flint_. Are you rich?

_O'Con_. Noa.

_Flint_. Nor ever will be with that old stingy booby. Look here--
take it. [_Gives him a purse_. ]

_O'Con_. What must I do for this?

_Flint_. Mark me, our lieutenant is in love with the old rogue's
daughter: help us to break his worship's bones, and carry off the
girl, and you are a made man.

_O'Con_. I'll see you hanged first, you pack of skurry villains!
[_Throws away the purse_. ]

_Flint_. What, sirrah, do you mutiny? Lay hold of him.

_O'Con_. Nay, then, I'll try your armour for you. [_Beats
them_. ]

_All_. Oh! oh! --quarter! quarter!

[_Exeunt_ CORPORAL FLINT _and_ SOLDIERS. ]

_Just_. [_Coming forward_. ] Trim them, trounce them, break
their bones, honest Humphrey--What a spirit he has!

_Rosy_. Aquafortis. _O'Con_. Betray your master!

_Rosy_. What a miracle of fidelity!

_Just_. Ay, and it shall not go unrewarded--I'll give him
sixpence on the spot. Here, honest Humphrey, there's for yourself: as
for this bribe, [_takes up the purse_,] such trash is best in the
hands of justice. Now, then, doctor, I think I may trust him to guard
the women: while he is with them I may go out with safety.

_Rosy_. Doubtless you may--I'll answer for the lieutenant's
behaviour whilst honest Humphrey is with your daughter.

_Just_. Ay, ay, she shall go nowhere without him. Come along,
honest Humphrey. How rare it is to meet with such a servant!
[_Exeunt_. ]




SCENE II. --_A Garden_.

LAURETTA _discovered. Enter_ JUSTICE CREDULOUS _and_
LIEUTENANT O'CONNOR.


_Just_. Why, you little truant, how durst you wander so far from
the house without my leave? Do you want to invite that scoundrel
lieutenant to scale the walls and carry you off?

_Lau_.