The
Plaintiff
was in more Danger than the Defendant.
Erasmus
_Mis. _ When he has done every Thing, according to my Direction, before
the Crucible is stirr'd, I come and look about, to see if nothing has
been omitted, and then I say, that there seems to want a Coal or two at
the Top, and pretending to take one out of the Coal-Heap, I privately
lay on one of my own, or have laid it there ready before-Hand, which I
can take, and no Body know any Thing of the Matter.
_Ir. _ But when they try to do this without you, and it does not succeed,
what Excuse have you to make?
_Mis. _ I'm safe enough when I have got my Money. I pretend one Thing or
other, either that the Crucible was crack'd, or the Coals naught, or the
Fire not well tempered. And in the last Place, one Part of the Mystery
of my Profession is, never to stay long in the same Place.
_Ir. _ And is there so much Profit in this Art as to maintain you?
_Mis. _ Yes, and nobly too: And I would have you, for the future, if you
are wise, leave off that wretched Trade of Begging, and follow ours.
_Ir. _ Nay, I should rather chuse to bring you back to our Trade.
_Mis. _ What, that I should voluntarily return again to that I have
escap'd from, and forsake that which I have found profitable?
_Ir. _ This Profession of ours has this Property in it, that it grows
pleasant by Custom. And thence it is, that tho' many have fallen off
from the Order of St. _Francis_ or St. _Benedict_, did you ever know
any that had been long in our Order, quit it? For you could scarce taste
the Sweetness of Beggary in so few Months as you follow'd it.
_Mis. _ That little Taste I had of it taught me, that it was the most
wretched Life in Nature.
_Ir. _ Why does no Body quit it then?
_Mis. _ Perhaps, because they are naturally wretched.
_Ir. _ I would not change this Wretchedness, for the Fortune of a King.
For there is nothing more like a King, than the Life of a Beggar.
_Mis. _ What strange Story do I hear? Is nothing more like Snow than a
Coal?
_Ir. _ Wherein consists the greatest Happiness of Kings?
_Mis. _ Because in that they can do what they please.
_Ir. _ As for that Liberty, than which nothing is sweeter, we have more
of it than any King upon Earth; and I don't doubt, but there are many
Kings that envy us Beggars. Let there be War or Peace we live secure, we
are not press'd for Soldiers, nor put upon Parish-Offices, nor taxed.
When the People are loaded with Taxes, there's no Scrutiny into our Way
of Living. If we commit any Thing that is illegal, who will sue a
Beggar? If we beat a Man, he will be asham'd to fight with a Beggar?
Kings can't live at Ease neither in War or in Peace, and the greater
they are, the greater are their Fears. The common People are afraid to
offend us, out of a certain Sort of Reverence, as being consecrated to
God.
_Mis. _ But then, how nasty are ye in your Rags and Kennels?
_Ir. _ What do they signify to real Happiness. Those Things you speak of
are out of a Man. We owe our Happiness to these Rags.
_Mis. _ But I am afraid a good Part of your Happiness will fail you in a
short Time.
_Ir. _ How so?
_Mis. _ Because I have heard a Talk in the Cities, that there will be a
Law, that Mendicants shan't be allow'd to stroll about at their
Pleasure, but every City shall maintain its own Poor; and that they that
are able shall be made to work.
_Ir. _ What Reason have they for this?
_Mis. _ Because they find great Rogueries committed under Pretence of
Begging, and that there are great Inconveniencies arise to the Publick
from your Order.
_Ir. _ Ay, I have heard these Stones Time after Time, and they'll bring
it about when the Devil's blind.
_Mis. _ Perhaps sooner than you'd have it.
_The FABULOUS FEAST. _
The ARGUMENT.
_The fabulous Feast contains various Stories and pleasant
Tales. _ Maccus _puts a Trick upon a Shoe-maker. A
Fruiterer is put upon about her Figs. A very clever Cheat
of a Priest, in relation to Money. _ Lewis _the Eleventh,
King of_ France, _eats some of a Country-Man's Turnips,
and gives him 1000 Crowns for an extraordinary large one
that he made a Present of to him. A certain Man takes a
Louse off of the King's Garment, and the King gives him
40 Crowns for it. The Courtiers are trick'd. One asks for
an Office, or some publick Employment. To deny a Kindness
presently, is to bestow a Benefit. _ Maximilian _was very
merciful to his Debtors. An old Priest Cheats an Usurer. _
Anthony _salutes one upon letting a Fart, saying the
Backside was the cleanest Part of the Body. _
POLYMYTHUS, GELASINUS, EUTRAPELUS, ASTÆUS, PHILYTHLUS,
PHILOGELOS, EUGLOTTUS, LEROCHARES, ADOLESCHES, LEVINUS.
_Pol. _ As it is unfitting for a well order'd City to be without Laws and
without a Governor; so neither ought a Feast to be without Orders and a
President.
_Ge. _ If I may speak for the rest, I like it very well.
_Po. _ Soho, Sirrah! bring hither the Dice, the Matter shall be
determin'd by their Votes; he shall be our President that _Jupiter_
shall favour. O brave! _Eutrapelus_ has it, the fittest Man that could
be chosen, if we had every individual Man of us thrown. There is an
usual Proverb, that has more Truth in't than good Latin, _Novus Rex nova
Lex, New Lords new Laws_. Therefore, King, make thou Laws.
_Eut. _ That this may be a merry and happy Banquet, in the first Place I
command, that no Man tell a Story but what is a ridiculous one. He that
shall have no Story to tell, shall pay a Groat, to be spent in Wine; and
Stories invented extempore shall be allow'd as legitimate, provided
Regard be had to Probability and Decency. If no Body shall want a Story,
let those two that tell, the one the pleasantest, and the other the
dullest, pay for Wine. Let the Master of the Feast be at no Charge for
Wine, but only for the Provisions of the Feast. If any Difference about
this Matter shall happen, let _Gelasinus_ be Judge. If you agree to
these Conditions, let 'em be ratified. He that won't observe the Orders,
let him be gone, but with Liberty to come again to a Collation the next
Day.
_Ge. _ We give our Votes for the Passing the Bill our King has brought
in. But who must tell the first Story?
_Eut. _ Who should, but the Master of the Feast?
_As. _ But, Mr. King, may I have the liberty to speak three Words?
_Eut. _ What, do you take the Feast to be an unlucky one?
_As. _ The Lawyers deny that to be Law that is not just.
_Eut. _ I grant it.
_As. _ Your Law makes the best and worst Stories equal.
_Eut. _ Where Diversion is the Thing aim'd at, there he deserves as much
Commendation who tells the worst, as he that tells the best Story,
because it affords as much Merriment; as amongst Songsters none are
admir'd but they that sing very well, or they that sing very ill. Do not
more laugh to hear the Cuckoo than to hear the Nightingal? In this Case
Mediocrity is not Praise-worthy.
_As. _ But pray, why must they be punish'd, that carry off the Prize?
_Eut. _ Lest their too great Felicity should expose them to Envy, if they
should carry away the Prize, and go Shot-free too.
_As. _ By _Bacchus, Minos_ himself never made a juster Law.
_Phily. _ Do you make no Order as to the Method of Drinking?
_Eut. _ Having consider'd the Matter, I will follow the Example of
_Agesilaus_ King of the _Lacedæmonians_.
_Phily. _ What did he do?
_Eut. _ Upon a certain Time, he being by Lot chosen Master of the Feast,
when the Marshal of the Hall ask'd him, how much Wine he should set
before every Man; If, says he, you have a great Deal of Wine, let every
Man have as much as he calls for, but if you're scarce of Wine, give
every Man equally alike.
_Phily. _ What did the _Lacedæmonian_ mean by that?
_Eut. _ He did this, that it might neither be a drunken Feast, nor a
querulous one.
_Phily. _ Why so?
_Eut. _ Because some like to drink plentifully, and some sparingly, and
some drink no Wine at all; such an one _Romulus_ is said to have been.
For if no Body has any Wine but what he asks for, in the first Place no
Body is compell'd to drink, and there is no Want to them that love to
drink more plentifully. And so it comes to pass that no Body is
melancholy at the Table. And again, if of a less quantity of Wine every
one has an equal Portion, they that drink moderately have enough; nor
can any Body complain in an Equality, and they that would have drank
more largely, are contentedly temperate.
_Eut. _ If you like it, this is the Example I would imitate, for I would
have this Feast to be a fabulous, but not a drunken one.
_Phily. _ But what did _Romulus_ drink then?
_Eut. _ The same that Dogs drink.
_Phily. _ Was not that unbeseeming a King?
_Eut. _ No more than it is unseemly for a King to draw the same Air that
Dogs do, unless there is this Difference, that a King does not drink the
very same Water that a Dog drank, but a Dog draws in the very same Air
that the King breath'd out; and on the contrary, the King draws in the
very same Air that the Dog breath'd out. It would have been much more to
_Alexander_'s, Glory, if he had drank with the Dogs. For there is
nothing worse for a King, who has the Care of so many thousand Persons,
than Drunkenness. But the Apothegm that _Romulus_ very wittily made Use
of, shews plainly that he was no Wine-Drinker. For when a certain
Person, taking Notice of his abstaining from Wine, said to him, that
Wine would be very cheap, if all Men drank as he did; nay, says he, in
my Opinion it would be very dear, if all Men drank it as I drink; for I
drink as much as I please.
_Ge. _ I wish our _John Botzemus_, the Canon of _Constance_, was here;
he'd look like another _Romulus_ to us: For he is as abstemious, as he
is reported to have been; but nevertheless, he is a good-humoured,
facetious Companion.
_Po. _ But come on, if you can, I won't say _drink and blow_, which
_Plautus_ says is a hard Matter to do, but if you can eat and hear at
one and the same Time, which is a very easy Matter, I'll begin the
Exercise of telling Stories, and auspiciously. If the Story be not a
pleasant one, remember 'tis a _Dutch_ one. I suppose some of you have
heard of the Name of _Maccus_?
_Ge. _ Yes, he has not been dead long.
_Po. _ He coming once to the City of _Leiden_, and being a Stranger
there, had a Mind to make himself taken Notice of for an arch Trick (for
that was his Humour); he goes into a Shoemaker's Shop, and salutes him.
The Shoemaker, desirous to sell his Ware, asks him what he would buy:
_Maccus_ setting his Eyes upon a Pair of Boots that hung up there, the
Shoemaker ask'd him if he'd buy any Boots; _Maccus_ assenting to it, he
looks out a Pair that would fit him, and when he had found 'em brings
'em out very readily, and, as the usual Way is, draws 'em on. _Maccus_
being very well fitted with a Pair of Boots, How well, says he, would a
Pair of double soal'd Shoes agree with these Boots? The Shoemaker asks
him, if he would have a Pair of Shoes too. He assents, a Pair is look'd
out presently and put on. _Maccus_ commends the Boots, commends the
Shoes. The Shoemaker glad in his Mind to hear him talk so, seconds him
as he commended 'em, hoping to get a better Price, since the Customer
lik'd his Goods so well. And by this Time they were grown a little
familiar; then says _Maccus_, Tell me upon your Word, whether it never
was your Hap, when you had fitted a Man with Boots and Shoes, as you
have me, to have him go away without paying for 'em? No, never in all my
Life, says he. But, says _Maccus_, if such a Thing should happen to you,
what would you do in the Case? Why, quoth the Shoemaker, I'd run after
him. Then says _Maccus_, but are you in Jest or in Earnest? In Earnest,
says the other, and I'd do it in Earnest too. Says _Maccus_, I'll try
whether you will or no. See I run for the Shoes, and you're to follow
me, and out he runs in a Minute; the Shoemaker follows him immediately
as fast as ever he could run, crying out, Stop Thief, stop Thief; this
Noise brings the People out of their Houses: _Maccus_ laughing, hinders
them from laying Hold of him by this Device, Don't stop me, says he, we
are running a Race for a Wager of a Pot of Ale; and so they all stood
still and look'd on, thinking the Shoemaker had craftily made that
Out-cry that he might have the Opportunity to get before him. At last
the Shoemaker, being tir'd with running, gives out, and goes sweating,
puffing and blowing Home again: So _Maccus_ got the Prize.
_Ge. _ _Maccus_ indeed escap'd the Shoemaker, but did not escape the
Thief.
_Po. _ Why so?
_Ge. _ Because he carried the Thief along with him.
_Po. _ Perhaps he might not have Money at that Time, but paid for 'em
afterwards.
_Ge. _ He might have indicted him for a Robbery.
_Po. _ That was attempted afterwards, but now the Magistrates knew
_Maccus_.
_Ge. _ What did _Maccus_ say for himself?
_Po. _ Do you ask what he said for himself, in so good a Cause as this?
The Plaintiff was in more Danger than the Defendant.
_Ge. _ How so?
_Po. _ Because he arrested him in an Action of Defamation, and prosecuted
him upon the Statute of _Rheims_ which says, that he that charges a Man
with what he can't prove, shall suffer the Penalty, which the Defendant
was to suffer if he had been convicted. He deny'd that he had meddled
with another Man's Goods without his Leave, but that he put 'em upon
him, and that there was no Mention made of any Thing of a Price; but
that he challeng'd the Shoemaker to run for a Wager, and that he
accepted the Challenge, and that he had no Reason to complain because he
had out-run him.
_Ge. _ This Action was pretty much like that of the Shadow of the Ass.
Well, but what then?
_Po. _ When they had had laughing enough at the Matter, one of the Judges
invites _Maccus_ to Supper, and paid the Shoemaker his Money. Just such
another Thing happen'd at _Daventerv_, when I was a Boy. It was at a
Time when 'tis the Fishmonger's Fair, and the Butchers Time to be
starv'd. A certain Man stood at a Fruiterer's Stall, or Oporopolist's,
if you'd have it in _Greek_. The Woman was a very fat Woman, and he
star'd very hard upon the Ware she had to sell. She, according as the
Custom is, invites him to have what he had a Mind to; and perceiving he
set his Eyes upon some Figs, Would you please to have Figs, says she?
they are very fine ones. He gives her a Nod. She asks him how many
Pound, Would you have five Pound says she? He nods again; she turns him
five Pound into his Apron. While she is laying by her Scales, he walks
off, not in any great haste, but very gravely. When she comes out to
take her Money, her Chap was gone; she follows him, making more Noise
than Haste after him. He, taking no Notice, goes on; at last a great
many getting together at the Woman's Out-cry, he stands still, pleads
his Cause in the midst of the Multitude: there was very good Sport, he
denies that he bought any Figs of her, but that she gave 'em him freely;
if she had a Mind to have a Trial for it, he would put in an Appearance.
_Ge. _ Well, I'll tell you a Story not much unlike yours, nor perhaps not
much inferior to it, saving it has not so celebrated an Author as
_Maccus_. _Pythagoras_ divided the Market into three Sorts of Persons,
those that went thither to sell, those that went thither to buy; both
these Sorts were a careful Sort of People, and therefore unhappy: others
came to see what was there to be sold, and what was done; these only
were the happy People, because being free from Care, they took their
Pleasure freely. And this he said was the Manner that a Philosopher
convers'd in this World, as they do in a Market. But there is a fourth
Kind of Persons that walk about in our Markets, who neither buy nor
sell, nor are idle Spectators of what others do, but lie upon the Catch
to steal what they can. And of this last Sort there are some that are
wonderful dextrous. You would swear they were born under a lucky Planet.
Our Entertainer gave us a Tale with an Epilogue, I'll give you one with
a Prologue to it. Now you shall hear what happen'd lately at _Antwerp_.
An old Priest had receiv'd there a pretty handsome Sum of Money, but it
was in Silver. A Sharper has his Eye upon him; he goes to the Priest,
who had put his Money in a large Bag in his Cassock, where it boug'd
out; he salutes him very civilly, and tells him that he had Orders to
buy a Surplice, which is the chief Vestment us'd in performing Divine
Service, for the Priest of his Parish; he intreats him to lend him a
little Assistance in this Matter, and to go with him to those that sell
such Attire, that he might fit one according to his Size, because he was
much about the same Stature with the Parson of his Parish. This being
but a small Kindness, the old Priest promises to do it very readily.
They go to a certain Shop, a Surplice is shew'd 'em, the old Priest
puts it on, the Seller says, it fits him as exactly as if made for him;
the Sharper viewing the old Priest before and behind, likes the Surplice
very well, but only found Fault that it was too short before. The
Seller, lest he should lose his Customer, says, that was not the Fault
of the Surplice, but that the Bag of Money that stuck out, made it look
shorter there. To be short, the old Priest lays his Bag down; then they
view it over again, and while the old Priest stands with his Back
towards it, the Sharper catches it up, and runs away as fast as he
could: The Priest runs after him in the Surplice as he was, and the
Shop-Keeper after the Priest; the old Priest cries out, Stop Thief; the
Salesman cries out, Stop the Priest; the Sharper cries out, Stop the mad
Priest; and they took him to be mad, when they saw him run in the open
Street in such a Dress: so one hindring the other, the Sharper gets
clear off.
_Eut. _ Hanging is too good for such a Rogue.
_Ge. _ It is so, if he be not hang'd already.
_Eut. _ I would not have him hang'd only, but all those that encourage
such monstrous Rogues to the Damage of the State.
_Ge. _ They don't encourage 'em for nothing; there's a fellow Feeling
between 'em from the lowest to the highest.
_Eut. _ Well, but let us return to our Stories again.
_Ast. _ It comes to your Turn now, if it be meet to oblige a King to keep
his Turn.
_Eut. _ I won't need to be forc'd to keep my Turn, I'll keep it
voluntarily; I should be a Tyrant and not a King, if I refus'd to comply
with those Laws I prescribe to others.
_Ast. _ But some Folks say, that a Prince is above the Law.
_Eut. _ That saying is not altogether false, if by Prince you mean that
great Prince who was call'd _Cæsar_; and then, if by being above the
Law, you mean, that whereas others do in some Measure keep the Laws by
Constraint, he of his own Inclination more exactly observes them. For a
good Prince is that to the Body Politick, which the Mind is to the Body
Natural. What Need was there to have said a good Prince, when a bad
Prince is no Prince? As an unclean Spirit that possesses the human Body,
is not the Soul of that Body. But to return to my Story; and I think
that as I am King, it becomes me to tell a kingly Story. _Lewis_ King of
_France_ the Eleventh of that Name, when his Affairs were disturb'd at
Home, took a Journey to _Burgundy_; and there upon the Occasion of a
Hunting, contracted a Familiarity with one _Conon_, a Country Farmer,
but a plain downright honest Man; and Kings delight in the Conversation
of such Men. The King, when he went a hunting, us'd often to go to his
House; and as great Princes do sometimes delight themselves with mean
Matters, he us'd to be mightily pleas'd in eating of his Turnips. Not
long after, _Lewis_ having settled his Affairs, obtain'd the Government
of the _French_ Nation; _Conon_'s Wife puts him upon remembring the King
of his old Entertainment at their House, bids him go to him, and make
him a Present of some rare Turnips. _Conon_ at first would not hear of
it, saying he should lose his Labour, for that Princes took no Notice of
such small Matters; but his Wife over-persuaded him. _Conon_ picks out a
Parcel of choice Turnips, and gets ready for his Journey; but growing
hungry by the Way, eats 'em all up but one very large one. When _Conon_
had got Admission into the Hall that the King was to pass thro', the
King knew him presently, and sent for him; and he with a great Deal of
Chearfulness offers his Present, and the King with as much Readiness of
Mind receives it, commanding one that stood near him to lay it up very
carefully among his greatest Rarities. He commands _Conon_ to dine with
him, and after Dinner thanks him; and _Conon_ being desirous to go back
into his own Country, the King orders him 1000 Crowns for his Turnip.
When the Report of this Thing, as it is common, was spread abroad thro'
the King's Houshold-Servants, one of the Courtiers presents the King
with a very fine Horse; the King knowing that it was his Liberality to
_Conon_ that had put him upon this, he hoping to make a great Advantage
by it, he accepted it with a great Deal of Pleasure, and calling a
Council of his Nobles, began to debate, with what Present he should make
a Recompence for so fine and valuable a Horse. In the mean Time the
Giver of the Horse began to be flushed with Expectation, thinking thus
with himself; If he made such a Recompence for a poor Turnip offer'd him
by a Country Farmer, how much more magnificently will he requite the
Present of so fine a Horse by a Courtier? When one answer'd one Thing,
and another another to the King that was consulting about it, as a
Matter of great Moment, and the designing Courtier had been for a long
Time kept in Fools Paradise; At Length, says the King, it's just now
come into my Mind what Return to make him, and calling one of his
Noblemen to him, whispers him in the Ear, bids him go fetch him what he
found in his Bedchamber (telling him the Place where it lay) choicely
wrap'd up in Silk; the Turnip is brought, and the King with his own Hand
gives it the Courtier, wrap'd up as it was, saying that he thought he
had richly requited the Present of the Horse by so choice a Rarity, as
had cost him 1000 Crowns. The Courtier going away, and taking off the
Covering, did not find a _Coal instead of a Treasure_, according to the
old Proverb, but a dry Turnip: and so the Biter was bitten, and soundly
laugh'd at by every Body into the Bargain.
_As. _ But, Mr. King, if you'll please to permit me, who am but a
Peasant, to speak of regal Matters, I'll tell you something that comes
into my Mind, by hearing your Story, concerning the same _Lewis_. For as
one Link of a Chain draws on another, so one Story draws on another. A
certain Servant seeing a Louse crawling upon the King's Coat, falling
upon his Knees and lifting up his Hand, gives Notice, that he had a Mind
to do some Sort of Service; _Lewis_ offering himself to him, he takes
off the Louse, and threw it away privately; the King asks him what it
was; he seem'd ashamed to tell him, but the King urging him, he
confess'd it was a Louse: That's a very good Sign, says he, for it shews
me to be a Man, because this Sort of Vermin particularly haunts Mankind,
especially while they are young; and order'd him a Present of 40 Crowns
for his good Service. Some Time after, another Person (who had seen how
well he came off that had perform'd so small a Service) not considering
that there is a great Difference between doing a Thing sincerely, and
doing it craftily, approached the King with the like Gesture; and he
offering himself to him, he made a Shew of taking something off his
Garment, which he presently threw away. But when the King was urgent
upon him, seeming unwilling to tell what it was, mimicking Abundance of
Modesty, he at last told him it was a Flea; the King perceiving the
Fraud, says to him, What do you make a Dog of me? and orders him to be
taken away, and instead of 40 Crowns orders him 40 Stripes.
_Phily. _ I hear it's no good jesting with Kings; for as Lions will
sometimes stand still to be stroaked, are Lions again when they please,
and kill their Play-Fellow; just so Princes play with Men. But I'll tell
you a Story not much unlike yours: not to go off from _Lewis_, who us'd
to take a Pleasure in tricking Tricksters. He had receiv'd a Present of
ten thousand Crowns from some Place, and as often as the Courtiers know
the King has gotten any fresh Money, all the Officers are presently upon
the Hunt to catch some Part of it; this _Lewis_ knew very well, this
Money being pour'd out upon a Table, he, to raise all their
Expectations, thus bespeaks them; What say you, am not I a very rich
King? Where shall I bestow all this Money? It was presented to me, and I
think it is meet I should make Presents of it again. Where are all my
Friends, to whom I am indebted for their good Services? Now let 'em come
before this Money's gone. At that Word a great many came running; every
Body hop'd to get some of it. The King taking Notice of one that look'd
very wishfully upon it, and as if he would devour it with his Eyes,
turning to him, says, Well, Friend, what have you to say? He inform'd
the King, that he had for a long Time very faithfully kept the King's
Hawks, and been at a great Expence thereby. One told him one Thing,
another another, every one setting out his Service to the best
Advantage, and ever and anon lying into the Bargain. The King heard 'em
all very patiently, and approv'd of what they said. This Consultation
held a long Time, that he might teaze them the more, by keeping them
betwixt Hope and Despair. Among the rest stood the Great Chancellor, for
the King had order'd him to be sent for too; he, being wiser than the
rest, says never a Word of his own good Services, but was only a
Spectator of the Comedy. At Length the King turning toward him, says,
Well, what says my Chancellor to the Matter? He is the only Man that
asks nothing, and says never a Word of his good Services. I, says the
Chancellor, have receiv'd more already from your royal Bounty, than I
have deserved. I am so far from craving more, that I am not desirous of
any Thing so much, as to behave myself worthy of the royal Bounty I have
receiv'd. Then, says the King, you are the only Man of 'em all that does
not want Money. Says the Chancellor, I must thank your Bounty that I
don't. Then he turns to the others, and says, I am the most magnificent
Prince in the World, that have such a wealthy Chancellor. This more
inflam'd all their Expectations, that the Money would be distributed
among them, since he desired none of it. When the King had play'd upon
'em after this Manner a pretty While, he made the Chancellor take it all
up, and carry it Home; then turning to the rest, who now look'd a little
dull upon it, says he, You must stay till the next Opportunity.
_Philog. _ Perhaps that I'm going to tell you, will not seem so
entertaining. However, I entreat you that you would not be suspicious,
that I use any Deceit or Collusion, or think that I have a Design to
desire to be excus'd. One came to the same _Lewis_, with a Petition that
he would bestow upon him an Office that happen'd to be vacant in the
Town where he liv'd. The King hearing the Petition read, answers
immediately, you shall not have it; by that Means putting him out of any
future Expectation; the Petitioner immediately returns the King Thanks,
and goes his Way. The King observing the Man's Countenance, perceiv'd he
was no Blockhead, and thinking perhaps he might have misunderstood what
he said, bids him be call'd back again. He came back; then says the
King; Did you understand what I said to you? I did understand you, quoth
he: Why, what did I say? That I should not have it, said he. What did
you thank me for then? Why, says he, I have some Business to do at Home,
and therefore it would have been a Trouble to me to have here danc'd
Attendance after a doubtful Hope; now, I look upon it a Benefit that you
have denied me the Office quickly, and so I count myself to have gain'd
whatsoever I should have lost by Attendance upon it, and gone without it
at last. By this Answer, the King seeing the Man to be no Blockhead,
having ask'd him a few Questions, says he, You shall have what you ask'd
for, that you may thank me twice, and turning to his Officers; Let, says
he, Letters patent be made out for this Man without Delay, that he may
not be detain'd here to his Detriment.
_Eugl. _ I could tell you a Story of _Lewis_, but I had rather tell one
of our _Maximilian_, who as he was far from hiding his Money in the
Ground, so he was very generous to those that had spent their Estates,
if they were nobly descended. He being minded to assist a young
Gentleman, that had fallen under these Circumstances, sent him on an
Embassy to demand an hundred thousand Florins of a certain City, but I
know not upon what Account. But this was the Condition of it, that if he
by his Dexterity could make any more of it, it should be his own. The
Embassador extorted fifty thousand from 'em, and gave _Caesar_ thirty of
'em. _Caesar_ being glad to receive more than he expected, dismisses the
Man without asking any Questions. In the mean Time the Treasurer and
Receivers smelt the Matter, that he had receiv'd more than he had paid
in; they importune _Caesar_ to send for him; he being sent for, comes
immediately: Says _Maximilian_, I hear you have receiv'd fifty thousand.
He confess'd it. But you have paid in but thirty thousand. He confess'd
that too. Says he, You must give an Account of it. He promis'd he would
do it, and went away. But again he doing nothing in it, the Officers
pressing the Matter, he was call'd again; then says _Caesar_ to him, A
little While ago, you were order'd to make up the Account. Says he, I
remember it, and am ready to do it. _Caesar_, imagining that he had not
settled it, let him go again; but he thus eluding the Matter, the
Officers insisted more pressingly upon it, crying out, it was a great
Affront to play upon _Caesar_ at this Rate. They persuaded the King to
send for him, and make him balance the Account before them. _Caesar_
agrees to it, he is sent for, comes immediately, and does not refuse to
do any Thing. Then says _Caesar_, Did not you promise to balance the
Account? Yes, said he. Well, says he, you must do it here; here are some
to take your Account; it must be put off no longer. The Officers sat by,
with Books ready for the Purpose. The young Man being come to this
Pinch, replies very smartly; Most invincible _Caesar_, I don't refuse to
give an Account, but am not very well skilled in these Sort of Accounts,
never having given any; but these that sit here are very ready at such
Accounts. If I do but once see how they make up such Accounts, I can
very easily imitate them. I entreat you to command them but to shew me
an Example, and they shall see I am very docible. _Caesar_ perceived
what he meant, but they, upon whom it was spoken did not, and smiling,
answered him, you say true, and what you demand is nothing but what is
reasonable: And so dismissed the young Man. For he intimated that they
used to bring in such Accounts to _Caesar_ as he had, that is, to keep a
good Part of the Money to themselves.
_Le. _ Now 'tis Time that our Story-telling should pass, as they say,
from better to worse, from Kings to _Anthony_, a Priest of _Louvain_,
who was much in Favour with _Philip_ surnamed _the Good_: there are a
great many Things told of this Man, both merrily said, and wittily done,
but most of them are something slovenly. For he used to season many of
his Jokes with a Sort of Perfume that has not a handsome Sound, but a
worse Scent. I'll pick out one of the cleanest of 'em. He had given an
Invitation to one or two merry Fellows that he had met with by Chance as
he went along; and when he comes Home, he finds a cold Kitchen; nor had
he any Money in his Pocket, which was no new Thing with him; here was
but little Time for Consultation. Away he goes, and says nothing, but
going into the Kitchen of a certain Usurer (that was an intimate
Acquaintance, by Reason of frequent Dealings with him) when the Maid was
gone out of the Way, he makes off with one of the Brass Pots, with the
Meat ready boiled, under his Coat, carries it Home, gives it his
Cook-Maid, and bids her pour out the Meat and Broth into another Earthen
Pot, and rub the Usurer's Brass one till it was bright. Having done
this, he sends his Boy to the Pawn-Broker to borrow two Groats upon it,
but charges him to take a Note, that should be a Testimonial, that such
a Pot had been sent him. The Pawn-Broker not knowing the Pot being
scour'd so bright, takes the Pawn, gives him a Note, and lays him down
the Money, and with that Money the Boy buys Wine, and so he provided an
Entertainment for him. By and by, when the Pawn-Broker's Dinner was
going to be taken up, the Pot was missing. He scolds at the Cook-Maid;
she being put hardly to it, affirmed no Body had been in the Kitchen all
that Day but _Anthony_. It seem'd an ill Thing to suspect a Priest. But
however at last they went to him, search'd the House for the Pot, but no
Pot was found. But in short, they charg'd him Home with the Pot, because
he was the only Person who had been in the Kitchen till the Pot was
missing. He confess'd that he had borrow'd a Pot, but that he had sent
it Home again to him from whom he had it. But they denying it stiffly,
and high Words arising, _Anthony_ calling some Witnesses, Look you,
quoth he, how dangerous a Thing it is to have to do with Men now-a-Days,
without a Note under their Hands: I should have been in Danger of being
indicted for Felony, if I had not had the Pawn-Broker's own Hand to
shew. And with that he produces the Note of his Hand. They perceiv'd the
Trick, and it made good Sport all the Country over, that the
Pawn-Broker had lent Money upon his own Porridge-Pot. Men are commonly
very well pleas'd with such Tricks, when they are put upon such as they
have no good Opinion of, especially such as use to impose upon other
Persons.
_Adol. _ In Truth, by mentioning the Name of _Anthony_, you have laid
open an Ocean of merry Stories; but I'll tell but one, and a short one
too, that was told me very lately. A certain Company of jolly Fellows,
who are for a short Life, and a merry one, as they call it, were making
merry together; among the rest there was one _Anthony_, and another
Person, a noted Fellow for an arch Trick, a second _Anthony_. And as
'tis the Custom of Philosophers, when they meet together to propound
some Questions or other about the Things of Nature, so in this Company a
Question was propos'd; Which was the most honourable Part of a Man? One
said the Eyes, another said the Heart, another said the Brain, and
others said other Parts; and every one alleg'd some Reason for his
Assertion. _Anthony_ was bid to speak his Mind, and he gave his Opinion
that the Mouth was the most honourable, and gave some Reason for't, I
can't tell what. Upon that the other Person, that he might thwart
_Anthony_, made Answer that that was the most honourable Part that we
sit upon; and when every one cry'd out, that was absurd, he back'd it
with this Reason, that he was commonly accounted the most honourable
that was first seated, and that this Honour was commonly done to the
Part that he spoke of. They applauded his Opinion, and laughed heartily
at it. The Man was mightily pleas'd with his Wit, and _Anthony_ seem'd
to have the worst on't. _Anthony_ turn'd the Matter off very well,
saying that he had given the prime Honour to the Mouth for no other
Reason, but because he knew that the other Man would name some other
Part, if it were but out of Envy to thwart him: A few Days after, when
they were both invited again to an Entertainment, _Anthony_ going in,
finds his Antagonist, talking with some other Persons, while Supper was
getting ready, and turning his Arse towards him, lets a great Fart full
in his Face. He being in a violent Passion, says to him, Out, you saucy
Fellow, where was you drag'd up? _At Hogs Norton_? Then says _Anthony_,
What, are you angry? If I had saluted you with my Mouth, you would have
answer'd me again; but now I salute you with the most honourable Part of
the Body, in your own Opinion, you call me saucy Fellow. And so
_Anthony_ regain'd the Reputation he had lost. We have every one told
our Tale. Now, Mr. Judge, it is your Business to pass Sentence.
_Ge. _ Well, I'll do that, but not before every Man has taken off his
Glass, and I'll lead the Way. But _talk of the Devil and he'll appear_.
_Po. _ _Levinus Panagathus_ brings no bad Luck along with him.
_Lev. _ Well, pray what Diversion has there been among this merry
Company?
_Po. _ What should we do but tell merry Stories till you come?
_Lev. _ Well then, I'm come to conclude the Meeting. I desire you all to
come to Morrow to eat a Theological Dinner with me.
_Ge. _ You tell us of a melancholy Entertainment indeed.
_Lev. _ That will appear. If you don't confess that it has been more
entertaining than your fabulous one, I'll be content to be amerc'd a
Supper; there is nothing more diverting than to treat of Trifles in a
serious Manner.
_The LYING-IN WOMAN. _
The ARGUMENT.
_A Lying-in Woman had rather have a Boy than a Girl.
Custom is a grievous Tyrant. A Woman argues that she is
as good as her Husband. The Dignity of 'em both are
compared. The Tongue is a Woman's best Weapon.
