No More Learning

Two Owls and a Hen, four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard! '"

With the kindly fatalism which is the distinctive note of the foregoing
stanza, the sentiment of our next extract is in vivid contrast:--


"There was an Old Man in a tree,
Who was terribly bored by a bee;
When they said, 'Does it buzz? ' he replied, 'Yes, it does!
It's a regular brute of a Bee. '"

To the foregoing verse an historic interest attaches, if, that is, we are
right in supposing it to have inspired Mr. Gilbert with his famous
"Nonsense-Rhyme in Blank Verse. " We quote from memory:--

"There was an Old Man of St. Bees,
Who was stung in the arm by a wasp.
When they asked, 'Does it hurt? ' he replied, 'No, it doesn't,
But I thought all the while 'twas a Hornet! '"

Passing over the lines referring to the "Young Person" of Crete to whom the
epithet "ombliferous" is applied, we may be pardoned--on the ground of the
geographical proximity of the two countries named--for quoting together two
stanzas which in reality are separated by a good many pages:--

"There was a Young Lady of Norway,
Who casually sat in a doorway;
When the doors queezed her flat, she exclaimed, 'What of that? '
This courageous young person of Norway. "

"There was a Young Lady of Sweden,
Who went by the slow train to Weedon;
When they cried, 'Weedon Station! ' she made no observation,
But thought she should go back to Sweden. "

A noticeable feature about this first book, and one which we think is
peculiar to it, is the harsh treatment which the eccentricities of the
inhabitants of certain towns appear to have met with at the hands of their
fellow-residents. No less than three people are "smashed,"--the Old Man of
Whitehaven "who danced a quadrille with a Raven;" the Old Person of Buda;
and the Old Man with a gong "who bumped at it all the day long," though in
the last-named case we admit that there was considerable provocation.
Before quitting the first "Nonsense-Book," we would point out that it
contains one or two forms that are interesting; for instance, "scroobious,"
which we take to be a Portmanteau word, and "spickle-speckled," a favorite
form of reduplication with Mr. Lear, and of which the best specimen occurs
in his last book, "He tinkledy-binkledy-winkled the bell. " The second book,
published in 1871, shows Mr. Lear in the maturity of sweet desipience, and
will perhaps remain the favorite volume of the four to grown-up readers.
The nonsense-songs are all good, and "The Story of the Four little Children
who went Round the World" is the most exquisite piece of imaginative
absurdity that the present writer is acquainted with. But before coming to
that, let us quote a few lines from "The Jumblies," who, as all the world
knows, went to sea in a sieve:--

"They sailed to the Western Sea, they did,
To a land all covered with trees.
And they bought an Owl, and a useful Cart,
And a pound of Rice, and a Cranberry Tart,
And a hive of silvery Bees.
And they bought a Pig, and some green Jack-Daws,
And a lovely Monkey with lollipop paws,
And forty bottles of Ring-Bo-Ree,
And no end of Stilton Cheese.
_Far and few, far and few,
Are the lands where the Jumblies live.
Their heads are green, and their hands are blue,
And they went to sea in a sieve. _
And in twenty years they all came back,
In twenty years or more,
And every one said, 'How tall they've grown!
For they've been to the Lakes, and the Torrible Zone,
And the hills of the Chankly Bore. '"

From the pedestrian excursion of the Table and the Chair, we cannot resist
making a brief quotation, though in this, as in every case, the inability
to quote the drawings also is a sad drawback:--

"So they both went slowly down,
And walked about the town,
With a cheerful bumpy sound,
As they toddled round and round.
And everybody cried,
As they hastened to their side,
'See, the Table and the Chair
Have come out to take the air! '

"But in going down an alley
To a castle in a valley,
They completely lost their way,
And wandered all the day,
Till, to see them safely back,
They paid a Ducky-Quack,
And a Beetle and a Mouse,
Who took them to their house.

"Then they whispered to each other,
'O delightful little brother,
What a lovely walk we've taken!
Let us dine on Beans and Bacon! '
So the Ducky and the leetle
Browny-Mousy, and the Beetle
Dined, and danced upon their heads,
Till they toddled to their beds. "

"The Story of the Four little Children who went Round the World" follows
next, and the account of the manner in which they occupied themselves while
on shipboard may be transcribed for the benefit of those unfortunate
persons who have not perused the original: "During the day-time Violet
chiefly occupied herself in putting salt-water into a churn, while her
three brothers churned it violently in the hope it would turn into butter,
which it seldom if ever did. " After journeying for a time, they saw some
land at a distance, "and when they came to it they found it was an island
made of water quite surrounded by earth. Besides that it was bordered by
evanescent isthmuses with a great Gulf-Stream running about all over it, so
that it was perfectly beautiful, and contained only a single tree, five
hundred and three feet high. " In a later passage, we read how "by-and-by
the children came to a country where there were no houses, but only an
incredibly innumerable number of large bottles without corks, and of a
dazzling and sweetly susceptible blue color. Each of these blue bottles
contained a bluebottlefly, and all these interesting animals live
continually together in the most copious and rural harmony, nor perhaps in
many parts of the world is such perfect and abject happiness to be found. "
Our last quotation from this inimitable recital shall be from the
description of their adventure on a great plain where they espied an object
which "on a nearer approach and on an accurately cutaneous inspection,
seemed to be somebody in a large white wig sitting on an arm-chair made of
sponge-cake and oyster-shells. " This turned out to be the "Co-operative
Cauliflower," who, "while the whole party from the boat was gazing at him
with mingled affection and disgust . . . suddenly arose, and in a somewhat
plumdomphious manner hurried off towards the setting sun, his steps
supported by two superincumbent confidential cucumbers . . . till he finally
disappeared on the brink of the western sky in a crystal cloud of sudorific
sand. So remarkable a sight of course impressed the four children very
deeply; and they returned immediately to their boat with a strong sense of
undeveloped asthma and a great appetite. "

In his third book, Mr. Lear takes occasion in an entertaining preface to
repudiate the charge of harboring any ulterior motive beyond that of
"Nonsense pure and absolute" in any of his verses or pictures, and tells a
delightful anecdote illustrative of the "persistently absurd report" that
the Earl of Derby was the author of the first book of "Nonsense. " In this
volume he reverts once more to the familiar form adopted in his original
efforts, and with little falling off. It is to be remarked that the third
division is styled "Twenty-Six Nonsense Rhymes and Pictures," although
there is no more rhyme than reason in any of the set. Our favorite
illustrations are those of the "Scroobious Snake who always wore a Hat on
his Head, for fear he should bite anybody," and the "Visibly Vicious
Vulture who wrote some Verses to a Veal-cutlet in a Volume bound in
Vellum. " In the fourth and last of Mr. Lear's books, we meet not only with
familiar words, but personages and places,--old friends like the Jumblies,
the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo, the Quangle Wangle, the hills of the Chankly Bore,
and the great Gromboolian plain, as well as new creations, such as the Dong
with a luminous Nose, whose story is a sort of nonsense version of the love
of Nausicaa for Ulysses, only that the sexes are inverted. In these verses,
graceful fancy is so subtly interwoven with nonsense as almost to beguile
us into feeling a real interest in Mr. Lear's absurd creations. So again in
the Pelican chorus there are some charming lines:--

"By day we fish, and at eve we stand
On long bare islands of yellow sand.
And when the sun sinks slowly down,
And the great rock-walls grow dark and brown,
When the purple river rolls fast and dim,
And the ivory Ibis starlike skim,
Wing to wing we dance around," etc.

The other nonsense-poems are all good, but we have no space for further
quotation, and will take leave of our subject by propounding the following
set of examination questions which a friend who is deeply versed in Mr.
Lear's books has drawn up for us:--

1. What do you gather from a study of Mr. Lear's works to
have been the prevalent characteristics of the inhabitants of
Gretna, Prague, Thermopylae, Wick, and Hong Kong?

2. State briefly what historical events are connected with
Ischia, Chertsey, Whitehaven, Boulak, and Jellibolee.

3. Comment, with illustrations, upon Mr. Lear's use of the
following words: Runcible, propitious, dolomphious, borascible,
fizzgiggious, himmeltanious, tumble-dum-down, spongetaneous.

4. Enumerate accurately all the animals who lived on the
Quangle Wangle's Hat, and explain how the Quangle Wangle
was enabled at once to enlighten his five travelling companions
as to the true nature of the Co-operative Cauliflower.

5. What were the names of the five daughters of the Old
Person of China, and what was the purpose for which the
Old Man of the Dargle purchased six barrels of Gargle?

6. Collect notices of King Xerxes in Mr. Lear's works, and
state your theory, if you have any, as to the character and
appearance of Nupiter Piffkin.

7. Draw pictures of the Plum-pudding flea, and the Moppsikon
Floppsikon Bear, and state by whom waterproof tubs
were first used.

8. "There was an old man at a station
Who made a promiscuous oration. "

What bearing may we assume the foregoing couplet to have
upon Mr. Lear's political views?
--_The London Spectator_.




* * * * *


A BOOK OF NONSENSE

by

EDWARD LEAR.

With All the Original Pictures and Verses







[Illustration]


There was an Old Derry down Derry, who loved to see little folks
merry;
So he made them a Book, and with laughter they shook
At the fun of that Derry down Derry.



Original Dedication.

TO THE
GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, GRAND-NEPHEWS, AND GRAND-NIECES
OF EDWARD, 13TH EARL OF DERBY,
THIS BOOK OF DRAWINGS AND VERSES

(The greater part of which were originally
made and composed for their parents. )

Is Dedicated by the Author,
EDWARD LEAR.

London, 1862.


* * * * *




[Illustration]

There was an Old Man with a nose,
Who said, "If you choose to suppose
That my nose is too long, you are certainly wrong! "
That remarkable Man with a nose.

[Illustration]

There was a Young Person of Smyrna,
Whose Grandmother threatened to burn her;
But she seized on the Cat, and said, "Granny, burn that!
You incongruous Old Woman of Smyrna! "

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man on a hill,
Who seldom, if ever, stood still;
He ran up and down in his Grandmother's gown,
Which adorned that Old Man on a hill.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Person of Chili,
Whose conduct was painful and silly;
He sate on the stairs, eating apples and pears,
That imprudent Old Person of Chili.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man with a gong,
Who bumped at it all the day long;
But they called out, "Oh, law! you're a horrid old bore! "
So they smashed that Old Man with a gong.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,
Who never had more than a penny;
He spent all that money in onions and honey,
That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man of Columbia,
Who was thirsty, and called out for some beer;
But they brought it quite hot, in a small copper pot,
Which disgusted that man of Columbia.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a Bee;
When they said, "Does it buzz? " he replied, "Yes, it does!
It's a regular brute of a Bee. "

[Illustration]

There was an Old Lady of Chertsey,
Who made a remarkable curtsey;
She twirled round and round, till she sank underground,
Which distressed all the people of Chertsey.

[Illustration]

There was a Young Lady whose chin
Resembled the point of a pin;
So she had it made sharp, and purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man with a flute,--
A "sarpint" ran into his boot!
But he played day and night, till the "sarpint" took flight,
And avoided that Man with a flute.

[Illustration]

There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical;
She climbed up a tree to examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He danced hornpipes and jigs, and ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man of Vienna,
Who lived upon Tincture of Senna;
When that did not agree, he took Camomile Tea,
That nasty Old Man of Vienna.

[Illustraion]

There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, "I'm afloat! I'm afloat! "
When they said, "No, you ain't! " he was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Person of Buda,
Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder,
Till at last with a hammer they silenced his clamor.
By smashing that Person of Buda.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man of Moldavia,
Who had the most curious behavior;
For while he was able, he slept on a table,
That funny Old Man of Moldavia.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Person of Hurst,
Who drank when he was not athirst;
When they said, "You'll grow fatter! " he answered "What matter? "
That globular Person of Hurst.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man of Madras,
Who rode on a cream-colored Ass;
But the length of its ears so promoted his fears,
That it killed that Old Man of Madras.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Person of Dover,
Who rushed through a field of blue clover;
But some very large Bees stung his nose and his knees,
So he very soon went back to Dover.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Person of Leeds,
Whose head was infested with beads;
She sat on a stool and ate gooseberry-fool,
Which agreed with that Person of Leeds.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But in handing his daughter, he fell into the water,
Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man of the Isles,
Whose face was pervaded with smiles;
He sang "High dum diddle," and played on the fiddle,
That amiable Man of the Isles.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Person of Basing,
Whose presence of mind was amazing;
He purchased a steed, which he rode at full speed,
And escaped from the people of Basing.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man who supposed
That the street door was partially closed;
But some very large Rats ate his coats and his hats,
While that futile Old Gentleman dozed.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Person whose habits
Induced him to feed upon Rabbits;
When he'd eaten eighteen, he turned perfectly green,
Upon which he relinquished those habits.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man of the West,
Who wore a pale plum-colored vest;
When they said, "Does it fit? " he replied, "Not a bit! "
That uneasy Old Man of the West.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man of Marseilles,
Whose daughters wore bottle-green veils:
They caught several Fish, which they put in a dish,
And sent to their Pa at Marseilles.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man of the Wrekin,
Whose shoes made a horrible creaking;
But they said, "Tell us whether your shoes are of leather,
Or of what, you Old Man of the Wrekin? "

[Illustration]

There was a Young Lady whose nose
Was so long that it reached to her toes;
So she hired an Old Lady, whose conduct was steady,
To carry that wonderful nose.

[Illustration]

There was a Young Lady of Norway,
Who casually sat in a doorway;
When the door squeezed her flat, she exclaimed, "What of that? "
This courageous Young Lady of Norway.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man of Apulia,
Whose conduct was very peculiar;
He fed twenty sons upon nothing but buns,
That whimsical Man of Apulia.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man of Quebec,--
A beetle ran over his neck;
But he cried, "With a needle I'll slay you, O beadle! "
That angry Old Man of Quebec.

[Illustration]

There was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs to her Uncle's white Pigs:
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Person of Philoe,
Whose conduct was scroobious and wily;
He rushed up a Palm when the weather was calm,
And observed all the ruins of Philoe.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man with a poker,
Who painted his face with red ochre.
When they said, "You 're a Guy! " he made no reply,
But knocked them all down with his poker.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Person of Prague,
Who was suddenly seized with the plague;
But they gave him some butter, which caused him to mutter,
And cured that Old Person of Prague.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who watched his wife making a stew;
But once, by mistake, in a stove she did bake
That unfortunate Man of Peru.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man of the North,
Who fell into a basin of broth;
But a laudable cook fished him out with a hook,
Which saved that Old Man of the North.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Person of Troy,
Whose drink was warm brandy and soy,
Which he took with a spoon, by the light of the moon,
In sight of the city of Troy.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold;
So he purchased some muffs, some furs, and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself well from the cold.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Person of Tring,
Who embellished his nose with a ring;
He gazed at the moon every evening in June,
That ecstatic Old Person of Tring.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man of Nepaul,
From his horse had a terrible fall;
But, though split quite in two, with some very strong glue
They mended that man of Nepaul.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man of the Nile,
Who sharpened his nails with a file,
Till he cut off his thumbs, and said calmly, "This comes
Of sharpening one's nails with a file! "

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man of th' Abruzzi,
So blind that he couldn't his foot see;
When they said, "That's your toe," he replied, "Is it so? "
That doubtful Old Man of th' Abruzzi.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter;
Till a great bit of muffin, on which he was stuffing,
Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Person of Rhodes,
Who strongly objected to toads;
He paid several cousins to catch them by dozens,
That futile Old Person of Rhodes.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man of the South,
Who had an immoderate mouth;
But in swallowing a dish that was quite full of Fish,
He was choked, that Old Man of the South.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man of Melrose,
Who walked on the tips of his toes;
But they said, "It ain't pleasant to see you at present,
You stupid Old Man of Melrose. "

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man of the Dee,
Who was sadly annoyed by a Flea;
When he said, "I will scratch it! " they gave him a hatchet,
Which grieved that Old Man of the Dee.

[Illustration]

There was a Young Lady of Lucca,
Whose lovers completely forsook her;
She ran up a tree, and said "Fiddle-de-dee! "
Which embarrassed the people of Lucca.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man of Coblenz,
The length of whose legs was immense;
He went with one prance from Turkey to France,
That surprising Old Man of Coblenz.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man of Bohemia,
Whose daughter was christened Euphemia;
But one day, to his grief, she married a thief,
Which grieved that Old Man of Bohemia.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man of Corfu,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he rushed up and down, till the sun made him brown,
That bewildered Old Man of Corfu.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man of Vesuvius,
Who studied the works of Vitruvius;
When the flames burnt his book, to drinking he took,
That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man of Dundee,
Who frequented the top of a tree;
When disturbed by the Crows, he abruptly arose,
And exclaimed, "I'll return to Dundee! "

[Illustration]

There was an Old Lady whose folly
Induced her to sit in a holly;
Whereon, by a thorn her dress being torn,
She quickly became melancholy.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man on some rocks,
Who shut his Wife up in a box:
When she said, "Let me out," he exclaimed, "Without doubt
You will pass all your life in that box. "

[Illustration]

There was an Old Person of Rheims,
Who was troubled with horrible dreams;
So to keep him awake they fed him with cake,
Which amused that Old Person of Rheims.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man of Leghorn,
The smallest that ever was born;
But quickly snapt up he was once by a Puppy,
Who devoured that Old Man of Leghorn.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man in a pew,
Whose waistcoat was spotted with blue;
But he tore it in pieces, to give to his Nieces,
That cheerful Old Man in a pew.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man of Jamaica,
Who suddenly married a Quaker;
But she cried out, "Oh, lack! I have married a black! "
Which distressed that Old Man of Jamaica.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man who said, "How
Shall I flee from this horrible Cow?
I will sit on this stile, and continue to smile,
Which may soften the heart of that Cow. "

[Illustration]

There was a Young Lady of Troy,
Whom several large flies did annoy;
Some she killed with a thump, some she drowned at the pump,
And some she took with her to Troy.

[Illustration]

There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent Bull;
But she seized on a spade, and called out, "Who's afraid? "
Which distracted that virulent Bull.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Person of Dutton,
Whose head was as small as a button;
So to make it look big he purchased a wig,
And rapidly rushed about Dutton.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man who said, "Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush! "
When they said, "Is it small? " he replied, "Not at all;
It is four times as big as the bush! "

[Illustration]

There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,--no one heard such a scream
As was screamed by that Lady of Russia.

[Illustration]

There was a Young Lady of Tyre,
Who swept the loud chords of a lyre;
At the sound of each sweep she enraptured the deep,
And enchanted the city of Tyre.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Person of Bangor,
Whose face was distorted with anger;
He tore off his boots, and subsisted on roots,
That borascible Person of Bangor.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man of the East,
Who gave all his children a feast;
But they all ate so much, and their conduct was such,
That it killed that Old Man of the East.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man of the Coast,
Who placidly sat on a post;
But when it was cold he relinquished his hold,
And called for some hot buttered toast.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man of Kamschatka,
Who possessed a remarkably fat Cur;
His gait and his waddle were held as a model
To all the fat dogs in Kamschatka.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Person of Gretna,
Who rushed down the crater of Etna;
When they said, "Is it hot? " he replied, "No, it's not! "
That mendacious Old Person of Gretna.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who sat on a Horse when he reared;
But they said, "Never mind! you will fall off behind,
You propitious Old Man with a beard! "

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man of Berlin,
Whose form was uncommonly thin;
Till he once, by mistake, was mixed up in a cake,
So they baked that Old Man of Berlin.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man of the West,
Who never could get any rest;
So they set him to spin on his nose and his chin,
Which cured that Old Man of the West.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Person of Cheadle
Was put in the stocks by the Beadle
For stealing some pigs, some coats, and some wigs,
That horrible person of Cheadle.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Person of Anerley,
Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly;
He rushed down the Strand with a Pig in each hand,
But returned in the evening to Anerley.

[Illustration]

There was a Young Lady of Wales,
Who caught a large Fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook, she exclaimed, "Only look! "
That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales.
[Illustration]

There was a Young Lady of Welling,
Whose praise all the world was a-telling;
She played on the harp, and caught several Carp,
That accomplished Young Lady of Welling.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Person of Tartary,
Who divided his jugular artery;
But he screeched to his Wife, and she said, "Oh, my life!
Your death will be felt by all Tartary! "

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man of Whitehaven,
Who danced a quadrille with a Raven;
But they said, "It's absurd to encourage this bird! "
So they smashed that Old Man of Whitehaven.

[Illustration]

There was a Young Lady of Sweden,
Who went by the slow train to Weedon;
When they cried, "Weedon Station! " she made no observation,
But thought she should go back to Sweden.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Person of Chester,
Whom several small children did pester;
They threw some large stones, which broke most of his bones,
And displeased that Old Person of Chester.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man of the Cape,
Who possessed a large Barbary Ape;
Till the Ape, one dark night, set the house all alight,
Which burned that Old Man of the Cape.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Person of Burton,
Whose answers were rather uncertain;
When they said, "How d' ye do? " he replied, "Who are you? "
That distressing Old Person of Burton.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Person of Ems
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found, they said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.

[Illustration]

There was a Young Girl of Majorca,
Whose Aunt was a very fast walker;
She walked seventy miles, and leaped fifteen stiles,
Which astonished that Girl of Majorca.

[Illustration]

There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil by the aid of some oil,
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Lady of Prague,
Whose language was horribly vague;
When they said, "Are these caps? " she answered, "Perhaps! "
That oracular Lady of Prague.

[Illustration]

There was a Young Lady of Parma,
Whose conduct grew calmer and calmer:
When they said, "Are you dumb? " she merely said, "Hum! "
That provoking Young Lady of Parma.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Person of Sparta,
Who had twenty-five sons and one "darter;"
He fed them on Snails, and weighed them in scales,
That wonderful Person of Sparta.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man on whose nose
Most birds of the air could repose;
But they all flew away at the closing of day,
Which relieved that Old Man and his nose.

[Illustration]

There was a Young Lady of Turkey,
Who wept when the weather was murky;
When the day turned out fine, she ceased to repine,
That capricious Young Lady of Turkey.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man of Aosta
Who possessed a large Cow, but he lost her;
But they said, "Don't you see she has run up a tree,
You invidious Old Man of Aosta? "

[Illustration]

There was a Young Person of Crete,
Whose toilette was far from complete;
She dressed in a sack spickle-speckled with black,
That ombliferous Person of Crete.

[Illustration]

There was a Young Lady of Clare,
Who was madly pursued by a Bear;
When she found she was tired, she abruptly expired,
That unfortunate Lady of Clare.

[Illustration]

There was a Young Lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But its color and size so bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born;
So he sat on a Chair till he died of despair,
That dolorous Man of Cape Horn.

[Illustration]

There was an old Person of Cromer,
Who stood on one leg to read Homer;
When he found he grew stiff, he jumped over the cliff,
Which concluded that Person of Cromer.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man of the Hague,
Whose ideas were excessively vague;
He built a balloon to examine the moon,
That deluded Old Man of the Hague.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Person of Spain,
Who hated all trouble and pain;
So he sate on a chair with his feet in the air,
That umbrageous Old Person of Spain.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man who said, "Well!
Will _nobody_ answer this bell?
I have pulled day and night, till my hair has grown white,
But nobody answers this bell! "

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man with an Owl,
Who continued to bother and howl;
He sat on a rail, and imbibed bitter ale,
Which refreshed that Old Man and his Owl.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man in a casement,
Who held up his hands in amazement;
When they said, "Sir, you'll fall! " he replied, "Not at all! "
That incipient Old Man in a casement.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice, he inserted some Mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man of Peru.
Who never knew what he should do;
So he tore off his hair, and behaved like a bear,
That intrinsic Old Man of Peru.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, "It is just as I feared! --
Two Owls and a Hen, four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard. "

[Illustration]

There was a Young Lady whose eyes
Were unique as to color and size;
When she opened them wide, people all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.

[Illustration]

There was a Young Lady of Ryde,
Whose shoe-strings were seldom untied;
She purchased some clogs, and some small spotty Dogs,
And frequently walked about Ryde.

[Illustration]

There was a Young Lady whose bonnet
Came untied when the birds sate upon it;
But she said, "I don't care! all the birds in the air
Are welcome to sit on my bonnet! "




* * * * *


NONSENSE SONGS

Stories, Botany, and Alphabets

by

EDWARD LEAR.

With One Hundred and Fifty Illustrations






[Illustration]



CONTENTS.

NONSENSE SONGS.
THE OWL AND THE PUSSY-CAT
THE DUCK AND THE KANGAROO
THE DADDY LONG-LEGS AND THE FLY
THE JUMBLIES
THE NUTCRACKERS AND THE SUGAR-TONGS
CALICO PIE
MR. AND MRS. SPIKKY SPARROW
THE BROOM, THE SHOVEL, THE POKER, AND THE TONGS THE TABLE AND THE
CHAIR

NONSENSE STORIES.
THE STORY OF THE FOUR LITTLE CHILDREN WHO WENT ROUND THE WORLD
THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN FAMILIES OF THE LAKE PIPPLE-POPPLE

NONSENSE COOKERY

NONSENSE BOTANY

NONSENSE ALPHABET, No. 1
" " No. 2
" " No. 3





NONSENSE SONGS.


THE OWL AND THE PUSSY-CAT.

[Illustration]

I.

The Owl and the Pussy-Cat went to sea
In a beautiful pea-green boat:
They took some honey, and plenty of money
Wrapped up in a five-pound note.
The Owl looked up to the stars above,
And sang to a small guitar,
"O lovely Pussy, O Pussy, my love,
What a beautiful Pussy you are,
You are,
You are!
What a beautiful Pussy you are! "


II.

Pussy said to the Owl, "You elegant fowl,
How charmingly sweet you sing!
Oh! let us be married; too long we have tarried:
But what shall we do for a ring? "
They sailed away, for a year and a day,
To the land where the bong-tree grows;
And there in a wood a Piggy-wig stood,
With a ring at the end of his nose,
His nose,
His nose,
With a ring at the end of his nose.


III.

"Dear Pig, are you willing to sell for one shilling
Your ring? " Said the Piggy, "I will. "
So they took it away, and were married next day
By the Turkey who lives on the hill.
They dined on mince and slices of quince,
Which they ate with a runcible spoon;
And hand in hand, on the edge of the sand,
They danced by the light of the moon,
The moon,
The moon,
They danced by the light of the moon.

[Illustration]




THE DUCK AND THE KANGAROO.

[Illustration]

I.

Said the Duck to the Kangaroo,
"Good gracious! how you hop
Over the fields, and the water too,
As if you never would stop!
My life is a bore in this nasty pond;
And I long to go out in the world beyond:
I wish I could hop like you,"
Said the Duck to the Kangaroo.


II.

"Please give me a ride on your back,"
Said the Duck to the Kangaroo:
"I would sit quite still, and say nothing but 'Quack'
The whole of the long day through;
And we 'd go the Dee, and the Jelly Bo Lee,
Over the land, and over the sea:
Please take me a ride! oh, do! "
Said the Duck to the Kangaroo.

[Illustration]


III.

Said the Kangaroo to the Duck,
"This requires some little reflection.
Perhaps, on the whole, it might bring me luck;
And there seems but one objection;
Which is, if you'll let me speak so bold,
Your feet are unpleasantly wet and cold,
And would probably give me the roo-
Matiz," said the Kangaroo.

[Illustration]


IV.

Said the Duck, "As I sate on the rocks,
I have thought over that completely;
And I bought four pairs of worsted socks,
Which fit my web-feet neatly;
And, to keep out the cold, I've bought a cloak;
And every day a cigar I'll smoke;
All to follow my own dear true
Love of a Kangaroo. "


V.

Said the Kangaroo, "I'm ready,
All in the moonlight pale;
But to balance me well, dear Duck, sit steady,
And quite at the end of my tail. "
So away they went with a hop and a bound;
And they hopped the whole world three times round.
And who so happy, oh! who,
As the Duck and the Kangaroo?

[Illustration]




THE DADDY LONG-LEGS AND THE FLY.

[Illustration]

I.

Once Mr. Daddy Long-legs,
Dressed in brown and gray,
Walked about upon the sands
Upon a summer's day:
And there among the pebbles,
When the wind was rather cold,
He met with Mr. Floppy Fly,
All dressed in blue and gold;
And, as it was too soon to dine,
They drank some periwinkle-wine,
And played an hour or two, or more,
At battlecock and shuttledore.


II.

Said Mr. Daddy Long-legs
To Mr. Floppy Fly,
"Why do you never come to court?
I wish you 'd tell me why.
All gold and shine, in dress so fine,
You'd quite delight the court.
Why do you never go at all?
I really think you _ought_.
And, if you went, you'd see such sights!
Such rugs and jugs and candle-lights!
And, more than all, the king and queen,--
One in red, and one in green. "


III.

"O Mr. Daddy Long-legs! "
Said Mr. Floppy Fly,
"It's true I never go to court;
And I will tell you why.
If I had six long legs like yours,
At once I'd go to court;
But, oh! I can't, because _my_ legs
Are so extremely short.
And I'm afraid the king and queen
(One in red, and one in green)
Would say aloud, 'You are not fit,
You Fly, to come to court a bit! '"


IV.

"Oh, Mr. Daddy Long-legs! "
Said Mr. Floppy Fly,
"I wish you 'd sing one little song,
One mumbian melody.
You used to sing so awful well
In former days gone by;
But now you never sing at all:
I wish you'd tell me why:
For, if you would, the silvery sound
Would please the shrimps and cockles round,
And all the crabs would gladly come
To hear you sing, 'Ah, Hum di Hum! '"


V.

Said Mr. Daddy Long-legs,
"I can never sing again;
And, if you wish, I'll tell you why,
Although it gives me pain.
For years I cannot hum a bit,
Or sing the smallest song;
And this the dreadful reason is,--
My legs are grown too long!
My six long legs, all here and there,
Oppress my bosom with despair;
And, if I stand or lie or sit,
I cannot sing one single bit! "


VI.

So Mr. Daddy Long-legs
And Mr. Floppy Fly
Sat down in silence by the sea,
And gazed upon the sky.
They said, "This is a dreadful thing!
The world has all gone wrong,
Since one has legs too short by half,
The other much too long.
One never more can go to court,
Because his legs have grown too short;
The other cannot sing a song,
Because his legs have grown too long! "


VII.

Then Mr. Daddy Long-legs
And Mr. Floppy Fly
Rushed downward to the foamy sea
With one sponge-taneous cry:
And there they found a little boat,
Whose sails were pink and gray;
And off they sailed among the waves,
Far and far away:
They sailed across the silent main,
And reached the great Gromboolian Plain;
And there they play forevermore
At battlecock and shuttledore.

[Illustration]




THE JUMBLIES.

[Illustration]

I.

They went to sea in a sieve, they did;
In a sieve they went to sea:
In spite of all their friends could say,
On a winter's morn, on a stormy day,
In a sieve they went to sea.
And when the sieve turned round and round,
And every one cried, "You'll all be drowned! "
They called aloud, "Our sieve ain't big;
But we don't care a button, we don't care a fig:
In a sieve we'll go to sea! "
Far and few, far and few,
Are the lands where the Jumblies live:
Their heads are green, and their hands are blue
And they went to sea in a sieve.


II.

They sailed away in a sieve, they did,
In a sieve they sailed so fast,
With only a beautiful pea-green veil
Tied with a ribbon, by way of a sail,
To a small tobacco-pipe mast.
And every one said who saw them go,
"Oh! won't they be soon upset, you know?
For the sky is dark, and the voyage is long;
And, happen what may, it's extremely wrong
In a sieve to sail so fast. "
Far and few, far and few,
Are the lands where the Jumblies live:
Their heads are green, and their hands are blue;
And they went to sea in a sieve.


III.

The water it soon came in, it did;
The water it soon came in:
So, to keep them dry, they wrapped their feet
In a pinky paper all folded neat;
And they fastened it down with a pin.
And they passed the night in a crockery-jar;
And each of them said, "How wise we are!
Though the sky be dark, and the voyage be long,
Yet we never can think we were rash or wrong,
While round in our sieve we spin. "
Far and few, far and few,
Are the lands where the Jumblies live:
Their heads are green, and their hands are blue;
And they went to sea in a sieve.


IV.

And all night long they sailed away;
And when the sun went down,
They whistled and warbled a moony song
To the echoing sound of a coppery gong,
In the shade of the mountains brown.
"O Timballoo! How happy we are
When we live in a sieve and a crockery-jar!
And all night long, in the moonlight pale,
We sail away with a pea-green sail
In the shade of the mountains brown. "
Far and few, far and few,
Are the lands where the Jumblies live:
Their heads are green, and their hands are blue;
And they went to sea in a sieve.


V.

They sailed to the Western Sea, they did,--
To a land all covered with trees:
And they bought an owl, and a useful cart,
And a pound of rice, and a cranberry-tart,
And a hive of silvery bees;
And they bought a pig, and some green jackdaws,
And a lovely monkey with lollipop paws,
And forty bottles of ring-bo-ree,
And no end of Stilton cheese.
Far and few, far and few,
Are the lands where the Jumblies live:
Their heads are green, and their hands are blue;
And they went to sea in a sieve.


VI.

And in twenty years they all came back,--
In twenty years or more;
And every one said, "How tall they've grown!
For they've been to the Lakes, and the Torrible Zone,
And the hills of the Chankly Bore. "
And they drank their health, and gave them a feast
Of dumplings made of beautiful yeast;
And every one said, "If we only live,
We, too, will go to sea in a sieve,
To the hills of the Chankly Bore. "
Far and few, far and few,
Are the lands where the Jumblies live:
Their heads are green, and their hands are blue;
And they went to sea in a sieve.




THE NUTCRACKERS AND THE SUGAR-TONGS.

[Illustration]

I.

The Nutcrackers sate by a plate on the table;
The Sugar-tongs sate by a plate at his side;
And the Nutcrackers said, "Don't you wish we were able
Along the blue hills and green meadows to ride?
Must we drag on this stupid existence forever,
So idle and weary, so full of remorse,
While every one else takes his pleasure, and never
Seems happy unless he is riding a horse?


II.

"Don't you think we could ride without being instructed,
Without any saddle or bridle or spur?
Our legs are so long, and so aptly constructed,
I'm sure that an accident could not occur.
Let us all of a sudden hop down from the table,
And hustle downstairs, and each jump on a horse!
Shall we try? Shall we go? Do you think we are able? "
The Sugar-tongs answered distinctly, "Of course! "


III.

So down the long staircase they hopped in a minute;
The Sugar-tongs snapped, and the Crackers said "Crack! "
The stable was open; the horses were in it:
Each took out a pony, and jumped on his back.
The Cat in a fright scrambled out of the doorway;
The Mice tumbled out of a bundle of hay;
The brown and white Rats, and the black ones from Norway,
Screamed out, "They are taking the horses away! "


IV.

The whole of the household was filled with amazement:
The Cups and the Saucers danced madly about;
The Plates and the Dishes looked out of the casement;
The Salt-cellar stood on his head with a shout;
The Spoons, with a clatter, looked out of the lattice;
The Mustard-pot climbed up the gooseberry-pies;
The Soup-ladle peeped through a heap of veal-patties,
And squeaked with a ladle-like scream of surprise.


V.

The Frying-pan said, "It's an awful delusion! "
The Tea-kettle hissed, and grew black in the face;
And they all rushed downstairs in the wildest confusion
To see the great Nutcracker-Sugar-tong race.
And out of the stable, with screamings and laughter
(Their ponies were cream-colored, speckled with brown),
The Nutcrackers first, and the Sugar-tongs after;
Rode all round the yard, and then all round the town.


VI.

They rode through the street, and they rode by the station;
They galloped away to the beautiful shore;
In silence they rode, and "made no observation,"
Save this: "We will never go back any more! "
And still you might hear, till they rode out of hearing,
The Sugar-tongs snap, and the Crackers say "Crack! "
Till, far in the distance their forms disappearing,
They faded away; and they never came back!




CALICO PIE.

[Illustration]

I.

Calico pie,
The little birds fly
Down to the calico-tree:
Their wings were blue,
And they sang "Tilly-loo! "
Till away they flew;
And they never came back to me!
They never came back,
They never came back,
They never came back to me!


II.