No More Learning

_Beau. _ And, since 'tis so, let's think of a bottle.

_Cour. _ With all my heart, for railing and drinking do much
better together than by themselves; a private room, a trusty
friend or two, good wine and bold truths, are my happiness. But
where's our dear friend and intimate, Sir Jolly, this evening?

_Beau. _ To deal like a friend, Courtine, I parted with him but
just now; he's gone to contrive me a meeting, if possible,
this night, with the woman my soul is most fond of. I was this
evening just entering upon the palace of all joy, when I met
with so damnable a disappointment--in short, that plague to all
well-meaning women, the husband, came unseasonably, and forced
a poor lover to his heels, that was fairly making his progress
another way, Courtine: the story thou shalt hear more at large
hereafter.

_Cour. _ A plague on him, why didst thou not murder the
presumptuous cuckold? saucy intruding clown, to dare to disturb
a gentleman's privacies! I would have beaten him into sense of
his transgression, enjoyed his wife before his face, and ha'
taught the dog his duty.

_Beau. _ Look you, Courtine, you think you are dealing with
the landlord of your winter-quarters in Alsatia now. Friend,
friend, there is a difference between a free-born English
cuckold and a sneaking wittol of a conquered province.

_Cour. _ Oh, by all means, there ought to be a difference
observed between your arbitrary whoring, and your limited
fornication.

_Beau. _ And but reason: for, though we may make bold with
another man's wife in a friendly way, yet nothing upon
compulsion, dear heart.

_Cour. _ And now Sir Jolly, I hope, is to be the instrument of
some immortal plot; some contrivance for the good of thy body,
and the old fellow's soul, Beaugard: for all cuckolds go to
Heaven, that's most certain.

_Beau. _ Sir Jolly! why, on my conscience, he thinks it as much
his undoubted right to be pimp-mastergeneral to London and
Middlesex, as the estate he possesses is: by my consent his
worship should e'en have a patent for it.

_Cour. _ He is certainly the fittest for the employment in
Christendom; he knows more families by their names and titles
than all the bell-men within and without the walls.

_Beau. _ Nay, he keeps a catalogue of the choicest beauties
about town, illustrated with a particular account of their
age, shape, proportion, colour of hair and eyes, degrees of
complexion, gunpowder spots and moles.

_Cour. _ I wish the old pander were bound to satisfy my
experience, what marks of good-nature my Sylvia has about her.

_Enter_ Sir JOLLY JUMBLE.

_Sir Jol. _ My captains! my sons of Mars and imps of Venus! well
encountered; what, shall we have a sparkling bottle or two, and
use Fortune like a jade? Beaugard, you are a rogue, you are a
dog, I hate you; get you gone, go.

_Beau. _ But, Sir Jolly, what news from paradise Sir Jolly? Is
there any hopes I shall come there to-night?

_Sir Jol. _ May be there is, may be there is not; I say let us
have a bottle, and I will say nothing else without a bottle:
after a glass or two my heart may open.

_Cour. _ Why, then we will have a bottle, Sir Jolly.

_Sir Jol. _ Will? we'll have dozens, and drink till we are wise,
and speak well of nobody; till we are lewder than midnight
whores, and out-rail disbanded officers.

_Beau. _ Only one thing more, my noble knight, and then we are
entirely at thy disposal.

_Sir Jol. _ Well, and what's that? What's the business?

_Beau. _ This friend of mine here stands in need of thy
assistance; he's damnably in love, Sir Jolly.

_Sir Jol. _ In love! is he so? In love! odds my life! Is she?
what's her name? where does she live? I warrant you I know her:
she's in my table-book, I'll warrant you: virgin, wife, or
widow? [_Pulls out a table-book. _

_Cour. _ In troth, Sir Jolly, that's something of a difficult
question; but, as virgins go now, she may pass for one of them.

_Sir Jol. _ Virgin, very good: let me see; virgin, virgin,
virgin; oh, here are the virgins; truly, I meet with the
fewest of this sort of any. Well, and the first letter of her
name now? for a wager I guess her.

_Cour. _ Then you must know, Sir Jolly, that I love my love with
an S.

_Sir Jol. _ S, S, S, oh, here are the Esses; let me consider
now--Sappho?

_Cour. _ No, sir.

_Sir Jol. _ Selinda?

_Cour. _ Neither.

_Sir Jol. _ Sophronia?

_Cour. _ You must guess again, I assure you.

_Sir Jol. _ Sylvia?

_Cour. _ Ay, ay, Sir Jolly, that's the fatal name; Sylvia the
fair, the witty, the ill-natured; do you know her, my friend?

_Sir Jol. _ Know her! why, she is my daughter, and I have
adopted her these seven years. Sylvia! let me look. [_Reads. _]
"Light brown hair, her face oval, and nose Roman, quick
sparkling eyes, plump, pregnant, ruby lips, with a mole on her
breast, and the perfect likeness of a heart-cherry on her left
knee. " Ah, villain! ah, sly-cap! have I caught you? are you
there, i'faith? well, and what says she? Is she coming? do her
eyes betray her? does her heart beat, and her bubbies rise,
when you talk to her, ha?

_Beau. _ Look you, Sir Jolly, all things considered, it may make
a shift to come to a marriage in time.

_Sir Jol. _ I'll have nothing to do in it; I won't be seen in
the business of matrimony. Make me a match-maker, a filthy
marriage-broker! sir, I scorn it, I know better things. Look
you, friend, to carry her a letter from you or so, upon good
terms, though it be in a church, I'll deliver it; or when the
business is come to an issue, if I may bring you handsomely
together, and so forth, I'll serve thee with all my soul, and
thank thee into the bargain; thank thee heartily, dear rogue; I
will, you little cock-sparrow, faith and troth, I will: but no
matrimony, friend, I'll have nothing to do with matrimony; 'tis
a damned invention, worse than a monopoly, and a destroyer of
civil correspondence.

_Re-enter_ Drawer.

_Draw. _ Gentlemen, your room is ready, your wine and ice upon
the table; will your honours please to walk in?

_Sir Jol. _ Ay, wine, wine, give us wine! a pox on
matrimony--matrimony, in the devil's name!

_Cour. _ But if an honest harlot or two chance to inquire for
us, friend--

_Sir Jol. _ Right, sirrah, if whores come never so many, give
'em reverence and reception, but nothing else; let nothing but
whores and bottles come near us, as you tender your ears.

[_A door is opened, discovering a table, with bottles, &c. _

_Beau. _ Why, there's, there's the land of Canaan now in little.
Hark you, drawer, dog, shut, shut the door, sirrah, do you
hear? Shut it so close that neither cares nor necessities may
peep in upon us.

[_Exeunt_ BEAUGARD, COURTINE, _and_ Sir JOLLY.

_Enter_ Sir DAVY DUNCE, FOURBIN, _and_ BLOODY-BONES.

_Four. _ Bloody-Bones, be sure to behave yourself handsomely,
and like your profession; show yourself a cut-throat of parts,
and we'll fleece him.

_Bloody-B. _ My lady says, we must be expeditious; Sir Jolly has
given notice to the captain by this time, so that nothing is
wanting but the management of this over-grown gull to make us
hectors at large, and keep the whore Fortune under.

_Draw. _ Welcome, gentlemen, very welcome, sir; will't please
you to walk into a room? Or shall I wait upon your honour's
pleasure here?

_Sir Dav. _ Sweetheart, let us be quiet, and bring us wine
hither. [_Exit_ Drawer, _who returns with wine_. ] So--[_sits
down_]--from this moment, war, war, and mortal dudgeon against
that enemy of my honour, and thief of my good name, called
Beaugard. You can cut a throat upon occasion you say, friend?

_Four. _ Sir, cutting of throats is my hereditary vocation; my
father was hanged for cutting of throats before me, and my
mother for cutting of purses.

_Sir Dav. _ No more to be said; my courage is mounted like a
little Frenchman upon a great horse, and I'll have him murdered.

_Four. _ Sir! murdered you say, sir?

_Sir Dav. _ Ay, murdered I say, sir; his face flayed off, and
nailed to a post in my great hall in the country, amongst all
the other trophies of wild beasts slain by our family since the
Conquest; there's never a whore-master's head there yet.

_Four. _ Sir, for that let me recommend this worthy friend of
mine to your service; he's an industrious gentleman, and one
that will deserve your favour.

_Sir Dav. _ He looks but something ruggedly, though, methinks.

_Four. _ But, sir, his parts will atone for his person; forms
and fashions are the least of his study: he affects a sort of
philosophical negligence indeed; but, sir, make trial of him,
and you'll find him a person fit for the work of this world.

_Sir Dav. _ What trade are you, friend?

_Bloody-B. _ No trade at all, friend; I profess murder; rascally
butchers make a trade on't; 'tis a gentleman's divertisement.

_Sir Dav. _ Do you profess murder?

_Bloody-B. _ Yes, sir, 'tis my livelihood: I keep a wife and six
children by it.

_Sir Dav. _ Then, sir, here's to you with all my heart. Would I
had done with these fellows! [_Aside. _

_Four. _ Well, sir, if you have any service for us, I desire
we may receive your gold and your instructions as soon as is
possible.

_Sir Dav. _ Soft and fair, sweetheart; I love to see a little
how I lay out my money. Have you very good trading now-a-days
in your way, friend?

_Bloody-B. _ In peaceable times a man may eat and drink
comfortably upon't: a private murder done handsomely is worth
money; but now that the nation's unsettled, there are so many
general undertakers, that 'tis grown almost a monopoly; you may
have a man murdered almost for little or nothing, and nobody
e'er know who did it neither. [43]

_Sir Dav. _ Pray what countryman are you? where were you born,
most noble sir?

_Bloody-B. _ Indeed, my country is foreign. I was born in
Argier[44]; my mother was an apostate Greek, my father a
renegado Englishman, who by oppressing of Christian slaves grew
rich; for which, when he lay sick, I murdered him one day in
his bed; made my escape to Malta, where, embracing the faith, I
had the honour given me to command a thousand horse aboard the
galleys of that state.

_Sir Dav. _ O Lord, sir! my humble service to you again.

_Four. _ He tells you, sir, but the naked truth.

_Sir Dav. _ I doubt it not in the least, most worthy sir. --These
are devilish fellows, I'll warrant 'em.

[_Aside. _

_Four. _ War, friend, and shining honour has been our province,
till rusty peace reduced us to this base obscurity. Ah,
Bloody-Bones! ah, when thou and I commanded that party at the
siege of Philipsburg, where, in the face of the army, we took
the impenetrable half-moon!

_Bloody-B. _ Half-moon, sir! by your favour 'twas a whole moon.

_Four. _ Brother, thou art in the right; 'twas a full moon, and
such a moon, sir!

_Sir Dav. _ I doubt it not in the least, gentlemen; but, in the
meanwhile, to our business.

_Four. _ With all my heart, so soon as you please.

_Sir Dav.
_ Do you know this Beaugard? He's a devilish fellow, I
can tell you that; he's a captain.

_Four. _ Has he a heart, think you, sir?

_Sir Dav. _ Oh, like a lion! he fears neither God, man, nor
devil.

_Bloody-B. _ I'll bring it you for your breakfast to-morrow. Did
you never eat a man's heart, sir?

_Sir Dav. _ Eat a man's heart, friend?

_Four. _ Ay, ay, a man's heart, sir; it makes absolutely the
best ragout in the world: I have eaten forty of 'em in my time
without bread.

_Sir Dav. _ O Lord, a man's heart! my humble service to you
both, gentlemen.

_Bloody-B. _ Why, your Algerine pirates eat nothing else at sea;
they have them always potted up like venison: your well-grown
Dutchman's heart makes an excellent dish with oil and pepper.

_Sir Dav. _ O Lord, O Lord! friend, friend, a word with you: how
much must you and your companion have to do this business?

_Four. _ What, and bring you the heart home to your house?

_Sir Dav. _ No, no, keeping the heart for your own eating. --I'll
be rid of 'em as soon as possible I can.

[_Aside. _

_Four. _ You say, sir, he's a gentleman?

_Sir Dav. _ Ay, such a sort of gentleman as are about this town:
the fellow has a pretty handsome outside; but I believe little
or no money in his pockets.

_Four. _ Therefore we are like to have the honour to receive the
more from your worship's bounty.

_Bloody-B. _ For my part, I care for no man's bounty: I expect
to have my bargain performed, and I'll make as good a one as I
can.

_Sir Dav. _ Look you, friend, don't you be angry, friend; don't
be angry, friend, before you have occasion: you say you'll
have--let's see how much will you have now--I warrant the devil
and all, by your good will.

_Four. _ Truly, Sir Davy, if, as you say, the man must be well
murdered, without any remorse or mercy, betwixt Turk and Jew,
'tis honestly worth two hundred pounds.

_Sir Dav. _ Two hundred pounds! why, I'll have a physician shall
kill a whole family for half the money.

_Bloody-B. _ Damme, sir, how do ye mean?

_Sir Dav. _ Damme, sir, how do I mean? Damme, sir, not to part
with my money.

_Bloody-B. _ Not part, brother?

_Four. _ Brother, the wight is improvable, and this must not be
borne withal.

_Bloody-B. _ Have I for this dissolved Circean charms?
Broke iron durance; whilst from these firm legs
The well-filed, useless fetters dropped away,
And left me master of my native freedom?

_Sir Dav. _ What does he mean now?

_Four. _ Truly, sir, I am sorry to see it with all my heart;
'tis a distraction that frequently seizes him, though I am
sorry it should happen so unluckily at this time.

_Sir Dav. _ Distracted, say you? is he so apt to be distracted?

_Four. _ Oh, sir, raging mad; we that live by murder are all so;
guilt will never let us sleep. I beseech you, sir, stand clear
of him; he's apt to be very mischievous at these unfortunate
hours.

_Bloody-B. _ Have I been drunk with tender infants' blood,
And ripped up teeming wombs? Have these bold hands
Ransacked the temples of the gods, and stabbed
The priests before their altars? Have I done this? ha!

_Sir Dav. _ No, sir, not that I know, sir; I would not say any
such thing for all the world, sir. Worthy gentleman, I beseech
you, sir--you seem to be a civil person--I beseech you, sir, to
mitigate his passion. I'll do anything in the world; you shall
command my whole estate.

_Four. _ Nay, after all, sir, if you have not a mind to have him
quite murdered, if a swingeing drubbing to bed-rid him, or so,
will serve your turn, you may have it at a cheaper rate a great
deal.

_Sir Dav. _ Truly, sir, with all my heart; for methinks, now I
consider matters better, I would not by any means be guilty of
another man's blood.

_Four. _ Why, then let me consider: to have him beaten
substantially, a beating that will stick by him, will cost
you--half the money.

_Sir Dav. _ What, one hundred pounds! sure the devil's in you,
or you would not be so unconscionable.

_Bloody-B. _ The devil! where? where is the devil? show me;
I'll tell thee, Beelzebub, thou'st broke thy covenant;
Didst thou not promise me eternal plenty,
When I resigned my soul to thy allurements?

_Sir Dav. _ Ah, Lord!

_Bloody-B. _ Touch me not yet; I've yet ten thousand murders
To act before I'm thine: with all those sins
I'll come with full damnation to thy caverns
Of endless pain, and howl with thee for ever.

_Sir Dav. _ Bless us! what will become of this mortal body of
mine? Where am I? is this a house? do I live? am I flesh and
blood?

_Bloody-B. _ There, there's the fiend again! don't chatter so,
And grin at me; if thou must needs have prey,
Take here, take him, this tempter that would bribe me,
With shining gold,
To stain my hands with new iniquity.

_Sir Dav. _ Stand off, I charge thee, Satan, wheresoe'er thou
art; thou hast no right nor claim to me; I'll have thee bound
in necromantic charms. Hark you, friend, has the gentleman
given his soul to the devil?

_Four. _ Only pawned it a little; that's all.

_Sir Dav. _ Let me beseech you, sir, to despatch, and get rid
of him as soon as you can. I would gladly drink a bottle with
you, sir, but I hate the devil's company mortally: as for the
hundred pound here, it is ready; no more words, I'll submit to
your good-nature and discretion.

_Four. _ Then, wretch, take this, and make thy peace with the
infernal king; he loves riches; sacrifice and be at rest.

_Bloody-B. _ 'Tis done, I'll follow thee, lead on; nay, if thou
smile, I more defy thee; fee, fa, fum. [_Exit. _

_Four. _ 'Tis very odd, this.

_Sir Dav. _ Very odd, indeed; I'm glad he's gone, though.

_Four. _ Now, sir, if you please, we'll refresh ourselves with a
cheerful glass, and so _chacun chez lui_--I would fain make the
gull drunk a little, to put a little mettle into him. [_Aside. _

_Sir Dav. _ With all my heart, sir; but no more words of the
devil, if you love me.

_Four. _ The devil's an ass, sir, and here's a health to all
those that defy the devil.

_Sir Dav. _ With all my heart, and all his works too.

_Four. _ Nay, sir, you must do me right,[45] I assure you.

_Sir Dav. _ Not so full, not so full, that's too much of all
conscience: in troth, friend, these are sad times, very sad
times; but here's to you.

_Four. _ Pox o' the times! the times are well enough, so long as
a man has money in his pocket.

_Sir Dav. _ 'Tis true, here I have been bargaining with you
about a murder, but never consider that idolatry is coming in
full speed upon the nation. Pray what religion are you of,
friend?

_Four. _ What religion am I of, sir? Sir, your humble servant.

_Sir Dav. _ Truly a good conscience is a great happiness; and so
I'll pledge you, hemph, hemph. But shan't the dog be murdered
this night?

_Four. _ My brother rogue is gone by this time to set him, and
the business shall be done effectually, I'll warrant you.
Here's rest his soul.

_Sir Dav. _ With all my heart, faith; I hate to be uncharitable.

_Re-enter_ COURTINE _and_ Drawer.

_Cour. _ Look you, 'tis a very impudent thing not to be drunk by
this time: shall rogues stay in taverns to sip pints, and be
sober, when honest gentlemen are drunk by gallons? I'll have
none on't.

_Sir Dav. _ O Lord, who's there? [_Sits up in his chair. _

_Draw. _ I beseech your honour--our house will be utterly ruined
by this means.

_Cour. _ Damn your house, your wife and children, and all your
family, you dog! --Sir, who are you?

[_To_ Sir DAVY.

_Sir Dav. _ Who am I, sir? what's that to you, sir? Will you
tickle my foot, you rogue?

_Cour. _ I'll tickle your guts, you poltroon, presently.

_Sir Dav. _ Tickle my guts, you mad-cap! I'll tickle your toby,
if you do.

_Cour. _ What, with that circumcised band? that grave
hypocritical beard, of the reformation-cut? Old fellow, I
believe you are a rogue.

_Sir Dav. _ Sirrah, you are a whore, an arrant bitch-whore; I'll
use you like a whore; I'll kiss you, you jade; I'll ravish you,
you buttock; I am a justice of the peace, sirrah, and that's
worse.

_Cour. _ Damn you, sir, I care not if you were a constable and
all his watch: what, such a rogue as you send honest fellows
to prison, and countenance whores in your jurisdiction for
bribery, you mongrel! I'll beat you, sirrah, I'll brain you;
I'll murder you, you mooncalf! [_Throws the chair after him. _

_Sir Dav. _ Sir, sir, sir! constable! watch! stocks! stocks!
stocks! murder! [_Exit. _

_Cour. _ Huzza, Beaugard!

_Re-enter_ BEAUGARD _and_ Sir JOLLY JUMBLE.

_Four. _ Well, sir, the business is done; we have bargained to
murder you.

_Beau. _ Murdered! who's to be murdered, ha, Fourbin?

_Sir Jol. _ You are to be murdered, friend; you shall be
murdered, friend.

_Beau.