) Have you seen those new
chocolates
at Peliti's?
Kipling - Poems
Do not think
that I am moved by a spirit of revenge as I write, thus publicly, that
you and you alone are responsible for this book. In other and more
expansive days, when you could look at a magnum without flushing and
at a cheroot without turning white, you supplied me with most of the
material. Take it back again--would that I could have preserved your
fetterless speech in the telling--take it back, and by your slippered
hearth read it to the late Miss Deercourt. She will not be any the more
willing to receive my cards, but she will admire you immensely, and you,
I feel sure, will love me. You may even invite me to another very bad
dinner--at the Club, which, as you and your wife know, is a safe
neutral ground for the entertainment of wild asses. Then, my very dear
hypocrite, we shall be quits.
Yours always,
RUDYARD KIPLING.
P. S. --On second thoughts I should recommend you to keep the book away
from Mrs. Mafflin.
POOR DEAR MAMMA
The wild hawk to the wind-swept sky,
The deer to the wholesome wold,
And the heart of a man to the heart of a maid,
As it was in the days of old.
--Gypsy Song.
SCENE. Interior of Miss MINNIE THREEGAN'S Bedroom at Simla. Miss
THREEGAN, in window-seat, turning over a drawerful of things. Miss EMMA
DEERCOURT, bosom--friend, who has come to spend the day, sitting on
the bed, manipulating the bodice of a ballroom frock, and a bunch
of artificial lilies of the valley. Time, 5:30 P. M. on a hot May
afternoon.
Miss DEERCOURT. And he said: "I shall never forget this dance," and,
of course, I said: "Oh, how can you be so silly! " Do you think he meant
anything, dear?
Miss THREEGAN. (Extracting long lavender silk stocking from the
rubbish. ) You know him better than I do.
Miss D. Oh, do be sympathetic, Minnie! I'm sure he does. At least I
would be sure if he wasn't always riding with that odious Mrs. Hagan.
Miss T. I suppose so. How does one manage to dance through one's heels
first? Look at this--isn't it shameful? (Spreads stocking-heel on open
hand for inspection. )
Miss D. Never mind that! You can't mend it. Help me with this hateful
bodice. I've run the string so, and I've run the string so, and I can't
make the fulness come right. Where would you put this? (Waves lilies of
the valley. )
Miss T. As high up on the shoulder as possible.
Miss D. Am I quite tall enough? I know it makes May Older look lopsided.
Miss T. Yes, but May hasn't your shoulders. Hers are like a hock-bottle.
BEARER. (Rapping at door. ) Captain Sahib aya.
Miss D. (Jumping up wildly, and hunting for bodice, which she has
discarded owing to the heat of the day. ) Captain Sahib! What Captain
Sahib? Oh, good gracious, and I'm only half dressed! Well, I sha'n't
bother.
Miss T. (Calmly. ) You needn't. It isn't for us. That's Captain Gadsby.
He is going for a ride with Mamma. He generally comes five days out of
the seven.
AGONIZED VOICE. (Prom an inner apartment. ) Minnie, run out and give
Captain Gadsby some tea, and tell him I shall be ready in ten minutes;
and, O Minnie, come to me an instant, there's a dear girl!
Miss T. Oh, bother! (Aloud. ) Very well, Mamma.
Exit, and reappears, after five minutes, flushed, and rubbing her
fingers.
Miss D. You look pink. What has happened?
Miss T. (In a stage whisper. ) A twenty-four-inch waist, and she won't
let it out. Where are my bangles? (Rummages on the toilet-table, and
dabs at her hair with a brush in the interval. )
Miss D. Who is this Captain Gadsby? I don't think I've met him.
Miss T. You must have. He belongs to the Harrar set. I've danced with
him, but I've never talked to him. He's a big yellow man, just like a
newly-hatched chicken, with an enormous moustache. He walks like this
(imitates Cavalry swagger), and he goes "Ha-Hmmm! " deep down in his
throat when he can't think of anything to say. Mamma likes him. I don't.
Miss D. (Abstractedly. ) Does he wax that moustache?
Miss T. (Busy with Powder-puff. ) Yes, I think so. Why?
Miss D. (Bending over the bodice and sewing furiously. ) Oh,
nothing--only--
Miss T. (Sternly. ) Only what? Out with it, Emma.
Miss D. Well, May Olger--she's engaged to Mr. Charteris, you
know--said--Promise you won't repeat this?
Miss T. Yes, I promise. What did she say?
Miss D. That--that being kissed (with a rush) with a man who didn't wax
his moustache was--like eating an egg without salt.
Miss T. (At her full height, with crushing scorn. ) May Olger is a
horrid, nasty Thing, and you can tell her I said so. I'm glad she
doesn't belong to my set--I must go and feed this man! Do I look
presentable?
Miss D. Yes, perfectly. Be quick and hand him over to your Mother, and
then we can talk. I shall listen at the door to hear what you say to
him.
Miss T. 'Sure I don't care. I'm not afraid of Captain Gadsby.
In proof of this swings into the drawing-room with a mannish stride
followed by two short steps, which produces the effect of a restive
horse entering. Misses CAPTAIN GADSBY, who is sitting in the shadow of
the window-curtain, and gazes round helplessly.
CAPTAIN GADSBY. (Aside. ) The filly, by Jove! 'Must ha' picked up that
action from the sire. (Aloud, rising. ) Good evening, Miss Threegan.
Miss T. (Conscious that she is flushing. ) Good evening, Captain Gadsby.
Mamma told me to say that she will be ready in a few minutes. Won't you
have some tea? (Aside. ) I hope Mamma will be quick. What am I to say to
the creature? (Aloud and abruptly. ) Milk and sugar?
Capt. G. No sugar, tha-anks, and very little milk. Ha-Hmmm.
Miss T. (Aside. ) If he's going to do that, I'm lost. I shall laugh. I
know I shall!
Capt. G. (Pulling at his moustache and watching it sideways down his
nose. ) Ha-Hmmm. (Aside. ) 'Wonder what the little beast can talk about.
'Must make a shot at it.
Miss T. (Aside. ) Oh, this is agonizing. I must say something.
Both Together. Have you Been--
Capt. G. I beg your pardon. You were going to say--
Miss T. (Who has been watching the moustache with awed fascination. )
Won't you have some eggs?
Capt. G. (Looking bewilderedly at the tea-table. ) Eggs! (Aside. ) O
Hades! She must have a nursery-tea at this hour. S'pose they've wiped
her mouth and sent her to me while the Mother is getting on her duds.
(Aloud. ) No, thanks.
Miss T. (Crimson with confusion. ) Oh! I didn't mean that. I wasn't
thinking of mou--eggs for an instant. I mean salt. Won't you have some
sa--sweets? (Aside. ) He'll think me a raving lunatic. I wish Mamma would
come.
Capt. G. (Aside. ) It was a nursery-tea and she's ashamed of it. By Jove!
She doesn't look half bad when she colors up like that. (Aloud, helping
himself from the dish.
) Have you seen those new chocolates at Peliti's?
Miss T. No, I made these myself. What are they like?
Capt. G. These! De-licious. (Aside. ) And that's a fact.
Miss T. (Aside. ) Oh, bother! he'll think I'm fishing for compliments.
(Aloud. ) No, Peliti's of course.
Capt. G. (Enthusiastically. ) Not to compare with these. How d'you make
them? I can't get my khansamah to understand the simplest thing beyond
mutton and fowl.
Miss T. Yes? I'm not a khansamah, you know. Perhaps you frighten him.
You should never frighten a servant. He loses his head. It's very bad
policy.
Capt. G. He's so awf'ly stupid.
Miss T. (Folding her hands in her lap. ) You should call him quietly and
say: 'O khansamah jee! '
Capt. G. (Getting interested. ) Yes? (Aside. ) Fancy that little
featherweight saying, 'O khansamah jee' to my bloodthirsty Mir Khan!
Miss T Then you should explain the dinner, dish by dish.
Capt. G. But I can't speak the vernacular.
Miss T. (Patronizingly. ) You should pass the Higher Standard and try.
Capt. G. I have, but I don't seem to be any the wiser. Are you?
Miss T. I never passed the Higher Standard. But the khansamah is very
patient with me. He doesn't get angry when I talk about sheep's topees,
or order maunds of grain when I mean seers.
Capt. G. (Aside with intense indignation. ) I'd like to see Mir Khan
being rude to that girl! Hullo! Steady the Buffs! (Aloud. ) And do you
understand about horses, too?
Miss T. A little--not very much. I can't doctor them, but I know what
they ought to eat, and I am in charge of our stable.
Capt. G. Indeed! You might help me then. What ought a man to give his
sais in the Hills? My ruffian says eight rupees, because everything is
so dear.
Miss T. Six rupees a month, and one rupee Simla allowance--neither more
nor less. And a grass-cut gets six rupees. That's better than buying
grass in the bazar.
Capt. G. (Admiringly. ) How do you know?
Miss T. I have tried both ways.
Capt. G. Do you ride much, then? I've never seen you on the Mall.
Miss T. (Aside. ) I haven't passed him more than fifty times. (Aloud. )
Nearly every day.
Capt. G. By Jove! I didn't know that. Ha-Hmmm (Pulls at his moustache
and is silent for forty seconds. )
Miss T. (Desperately, and wondering what will happen next. ) It looks
beautiful. I shouldn't touch it if I were you. (Aside. ) It's all Mamma's
fault for not coming before. I will be rude!
Capt. G. (Bronzing under the tan and bringing down his hand very
quickly. ) Eh! Wha-at! Oh, yes! Ha! Ha! (Laughs uneasily. ) (Aside. ) Well,
of all the dashed cheek! I never had a woman say that to me yet. She
must be a cool hand or else--Ah! that nursery-tea!
VOICE PROM THE UNKNOWN. Tchk! Tchk! Tchk!
Capt. G. Good gracious! What's that?
Miss T. The dog, I think. (Aside. ) Emma has been listening, and I'll
never forgive her!
Capt. G. (Aside. ) They don't keep dogs here. (Aloud. ) Didn't sound like
a dog, did it?
Miss T. Then it must have been the cat. Let's go into the veranda. What
a lovely evening it is!
Steps into veranda and looks out across the hills into sunset. The
CAPTAIN follows.
Capt. G. (Aside. ) Superb eyes! I wonder that I never noticed them
before! (Aloud. ) There's going to be a dance at Viceregal Lodge on
Wednesday. Can you spare me one?
Miss T. (Shortly. ) No! I don't want any of your charity-dances. You only
ask me because Mamma told you to. I hop and I bump. You know I do!
Capt. G. (Aside. ) That's true, but little girls shouldn't understand
these things. (Aloud. ) No, on my word, I don't. You dance beautifully.
Miss T. Then why do you always stand out after half a dozen turns? I
thought officers in the Army didn't tell fibs.
Capt. G. It wasn't a fib, believe me. I really do want the pleasure of a
dance with you.
Miss T. (Wickedly. ) Why? Won't Mamma dance with you any more?
Capt. G. (More earnestly than the necessity demands. ) I wasn't thinking
of your Mother. (Aside. ) You little vixen!
Miss T. (Still looking out of the window. ) Eh? Oh, I beg your pardon. I
was thinking of something else.
Capt. G. (Aside. ) Well! I wonder what she'll say next. I've never known
a woman treat me like this before. I might b--Dash it, I might be an
Infantry subaltern! (Aloud. ) Oh, please don't trouble. I'm not worth
thinking about. Isn't your Mother ready yet?
Miss T. I should think so; but promise me, Captain Gamsby, you won't
take poor dear Mamma twice round Jakko any more. It tires her so.
Capt.
that I am moved by a spirit of revenge as I write, thus publicly, that
you and you alone are responsible for this book. In other and more
expansive days, when you could look at a magnum without flushing and
at a cheroot without turning white, you supplied me with most of the
material. Take it back again--would that I could have preserved your
fetterless speech in the telling--take it back, and by your slippered
hearth read it to the late Miss Deercourt. She will not be any the more
willing to receive my cards, but she will admire you immensely, and you,
I feel sure, will love me. You may even invite me to another very bad
dinner--at the Club, which, as you and your wife know, is a safe
neutral ground for the entertainment of wild asses. Then, my very dear
hypocrite, we shall be quits.
Yours always,
RUDYARD KIPLING.
P. S. --On second thoughts I should recommend you to keep the book away
from Mrs. Mafflin.
POOR DEAR MAMMA
The wild hawk to the wind-swept sky,
The deer to the wholesome wold,
And the heart of a man to the heart of a maid,
As it was in the days of old.
--Gypsy Song.
SCENE. Interior of Miss MINNIE THREEGAN'S Bedroom at Simla. Miss
THREEGAN, in window-seat, turning over a drawerful of things. Miss EMMA
DEERCOURT, bosom--friend, who has come to spend the day, sitting on
the bed, manipulating the bodice of a ballroom frock, and a bunch
of artificial lilies of the valley. Time, 5:30 P. M. on a hot May
afternoon.
Miss DEERCOURT. And he said: "I shall never forget this dance," and,
of course, I said: "Oh, how can you be so silly! " Do you think he meant
anything, dear?
Miss THREEGAN. (Extracting long lavender silk stocking from the
rubbish. ) You know him better than I do.
Miss D. Oh, do be sympathetic, Minnie! I'm sure he does. At least I
would be sure if he wasn't always riding with that odious Mrs. Hagan.
Miss T. I suppose so. How does one manage to dance through one's heels
first? Look at this--isn't it shameful? (Spreads stocking-heel on open
hand for inspection. )
Miss D. Never mind that! You can't mend it. Help me with this hateful
bodice. I've run the string so, and I've run the string so, and I can't
make the fulness come right. Where would you put this? (Waves lilies of
the valley. )
Miss T. As high up on the shoulder as possible.
Miss D. Am I quite tall enough? I know it makes May Older look lopsided.
Miss T. Yes, but May hasn't your shoulders. Hers are like a hock-bottle.
BEARER. (Rapping at door. ) Captain Sahib aya.
Miss D. (Jumping up wildly, and hunting for bodice, which she has
discarded owing to the heat of the day. ) Captain Sahib! What Captain
Sahib? Oh, good gracious, and I'm only half dressed! Well, I sha'n't
bother.
Miss T. (Calmly. ) You needn't. It isn't for us. That's Captain Gadsby.
He is going for a ride with Mamma. He generally comes five days out of
the seven.
AGONIZED VOICE. (Prom an inner apartment. ) Minnie, run out and give
Captain Gadsby some tea, and tell him I shall be ready in ten minutes;
and, O Minnie, come to me an instant, there's a dear girl!
Miss T. Oh, bother! (Aloud. ) Very well, Mamma.
Exit, and reappears, after five minutes, flushed, and rubbing her
fingers.
Miss D. You look pink. What has happened?
Miss T. (In a stage whisper. ) A twenty-four-inch waist, and she won't
let it out. Where are my bangles? (Rummages on the toilet-table, and
dabs at her hair with a brush in the interval. )
Miss D. Who is this Captain Gadsby? I don't think I've met him.
Miss T. You must have. He belongs to the Harrar set. I've danced with
him, but I've never talked to him. He's a big yellow man, just like a
newly-hatched chicken, with an enormous moustache. He walks like this
(imitates Cavalry swagger), and he goes "Ha-Hmmm! " deep down in his
throat when he can't think of anything to say. Mamma likes him. I don't.
Miss D. (Abstractedly. ) Does he wax that moustache?
Miss T. (Busy with Powder-puff. ) Yes, I think so. Why?
Miss D. (Bending over the bodice and sewing furiously. ) Oh,
nothing--only--
Miss T. (Sternly. ) Only what? Out with it, Emma.
Miss D. Well, May Olger--she's engaged to Mr. Charteris, you
know--said--Promise you won't repeat this?
Miss T. Yes, I promise. What did she say?
Miss D. That--that being kissed (with a rush) with a man who didn't wax
his moustache was--like eating an egg without salt.
Miss T. (At her full height, with crushing scorn. ) May Olger is a
horrid, nasty Thing, and you can tell her I said so. I'm glad she
doesn't belong to my set--I must go and feed this man! Do I look
presentable?
Miss D. Yes, perfectly. Be quick and hand him over to your Mother, and
then we can talk. I shall listen at the door to hear what you say to
him.
Miss T. 'Sure I don't care. I'm not afraid of Captain Gadsby.
In proof of this swings into the drawing-room with a mannish stride
followed by two short steps, which produces the effect of a restive
horse entering. Misses CAPTAIN GADSBY, who is sitting in the shadow of
the window-curtain, and gazes round helplessly.
CAPTAIN GADSBY. (Aside. ) The filly, by Jove! 'Must ha' picked up that
action from the sire. (Aloud, rising. ) Good evening, Miss Threegan.
Miss T. (Conscious that she is flushing. ) Good evening, Captain Gadsby.
Mamma told me to say that she will be ready in a few minutes. Won't you
have some tea? (Aside. ) I hope Mamma will be quick. What am I to say to
the creature? (Aloud and abruptly. ) Milk and sugar?
Capt. G. No sugar, tha-anks, and very little milk. Ha-Hmmm.
Miss T. (Aside. ) If he's going to do that, I'm lost. I shall laugh. I
know I shall!
Capt. G. (Pulling at his moustache and watching it sideways down his
nose. ) Ha-Hmmm. (Aside. ) 'Wonder what the little beast can talk about.
'Must make a shot at it.
Miss T. (Aside. ) Oh, this is agonizing. I must say something.
Both Together. Have you Been--
Capt. G. I beg your pardon. You were going to say--
Miss T. (Who has been watching the moustache with awed fascination. )
Won't you have some eggs?
Capt. G. (Looking bewilderedly at the tea-table. ) Eggs! (Aside. ) O
Hades! She must have a nursery-tea at this hour. S'pose they've wiped
her mouth and sent her to me while the Mother is getting on her duds.
(Aloud. ) No, thanks.
Miss T. (Crimson with confusion. ) Oh! I didn't mean that. I wasn't
thinking of mou--eggs for an instant. I mean salt. Won't you have some
sa--sweets? (Aside. ) He'll think me a raving lunatic. I wish Mamma would
come.
Capt. G. (Aside. ) It was a nursery-tea and she's ashamed of it. By Jove!
She doesn't look half bad when she colors up like that. (Aloud, helping
himself from the dish.
) Have you seen those new chocolates at Peliti's?
Miss T. No, I made these myself. What are they like?
Capt. G. These! De-licious. (Aside. ) And that's a fact.
Miss T. (Aside. ) Oh, bother! he'll think I'm fishing for compliments.
(Aloud. ) No, Peliti's of course.
Capt. G. (Enthusiastically. ) Not to compare with these. How d'you make
them? I can't get my khansamah to understand the simplest thing beyond
mutton and fowl.
Miss T. Yes? I'm not a khansamah, you know. Perhaps you frighten him.
You should never frighten a servant. He loses his head. It's very bad
policy.
Capt. G. He's so awf'ly stupid.
Miss T. (Folding her hands in her lap. ) You should call him quietly and
say: 'O khansamah jee! '
Capt. G. (Getting interested. ) Yes? (Aside. ) Fancy that little
featherweight saying, 'O khansamah jee' to my bloodthirsty Mir Khan!
Miss T Then you should explain the dinner, dish by dish.
Capt. G. But I can't speak the vernacular.
Miss T. (Patronizingly. ) You should pass the Higher Standard and try.
Capt. G. I have, but I don't seem to be any the wiser. Are you?
Miss T. I never passed the Higher Standard. But the khansamah is very
patient with me. He doesn't get angry when I talk about sheep's topees,
or order maunds of grain when I mean seers.
Capt. G. (Aside with intense indignation. ) I'd like to see Mir Khan
being rude to that girl! Hullo! Steady the Buffs! (Aloud. ) And do you
understand about horses, too?
Miss T. A little--not very much. I can't doctor them, but I know what
they ought to eat, and I am in charge of our stable.
Capt. G. Indeed! You might help me then. What ought a man to give his
sais in the Hills? My ruffian says eight rupees, because everything is
so dear.
Miss T. Six rupees a month, and one rupee Simla allowance--neither more
nor less. And a grass-cut gets six rupees. That's better than buying
grass in the bazar.
Capt. G. (Admiringly. ) How do you know?
Miss T. I have tried both ways.
Capt. G. Do you ride much, then? I've never seen you on the Mall.
Miss T. (Aside. ) I haven't passed him more than fifty times. (Aloud. )
Nearly every day.
Capt. G. By Jove! I didn't know that. Ha-Hmmm (Pulls at his moustache
and is silent for forty seconds. )
Miss T. (Desperately, and wondering what will happen next. ) It looks
beautiful. I shouldn't touch it if I were you. (Aside. ) It's all Mamma's
fault for not coming before. I will be rude!
Capt. G. (Bronzing under the tan and bringing down his hand very
quickly. ) Eh! Wha-at! Oh, yes! Ha! Ha! (Laughs uneasily. ) (Aside. ) Well,
of all the dashed cheek! I never had a woman say that to me yet. She
must be a cool hand or else--Ah! that nursery-tea!
VOICE PROM THE UNKNOWN. Tchk! Tchk! Tchk!
Capt. G. Good gracious! What's that?
Miss T. The dog, I think. (Aside. ) Emma has been listening, and I'll
never forgive her!
Capt. G. (Aside. ) They don't keep dogs here. (Aloud. ) Didn't sound like
a dog, did it?
Miss T. Then it must have been the cat. Let's go into the veranda. What
a lovely evening it is!
Steps into veranda and looks out across the hills into sunset. The
CAPTAIN follows.
Capt. G. (Aside. ) Superb eyes! I wonder that I never noticed them
before! (Aloud. ) There's going to be a dance at Viceregal Lodge on
Wednesday. Can you spare me one?
Miss T. (Shortly. ) No! I don't want any of your charity-dances. You only
ask me because Mamma told you to. I hop and I bump. You know I do!
Capt. G. (Aside. ) That's true, but little girls shouldn't understand
these things. (Aloud. ) No, on my word, I don't. You dance beautifully.
Miss T. Then why do you always stand out after half a dozen turns? I
thought officers in the Army didn't tell fibs.
Capt. G. It wasn't a fib, believe me. I really do want the pleasure of a
dance with you.
Miss T. (Wickedly. ) Why? Won't Mamma dance with you any more?
Capt. G. (More earnestly than the necessity demands. ) I wasn't thinking
of your Mother. (Aside. ) You little vixen!
Miss T. (Still looking out of the window. ) Eh? Oh, I beg your pardon. I
was thinking of something else.
Capt. G. (Aside. ) Well! I wonder what she'll say next. I've never known
a woman treat me like this before. I might b--Dash it, I might be an
Infantry subaltern! (Aloud. ) Oh, please don't trouble. I'm not worth
thinking about. Isn't your Mother ready yet?
Miss T. I should think so; but promise me, Captain Gamsby, you won't
take poor dear Mamma twice round Jakko any more. It tires her so.
Capt.
