No More Learning

Some cunning Prometheus to act on
this sudden emergency is required. Quick with the clay and potter's
wheel! But henceforth, Cæsar, let potters always attend your armies! "
This opinion, worthy of the author, carried the day. He was well versed
in the old luxury of the imperial court, and Nero's nights,[202] and a
second appetite when the stomach was fired with the Falernian. [203] No
one in my day was a greater connoisseur in good eating; he could detect
at the first bite whether the oysters were natives from Circeii, or
the Lucrine rocks, or whether they came from the Rutupian beds, and
told the shore an Echinus came from at the first glance.

They rise; and the cabinet being dismissed, the great chief bids the
nobles depart whom he had dragged to the Alban height, amazed and
forced to hurry, as though he were about to announce some tidings of
the Catti and fierce Sicambri; as though from diverse parts of the
world some alarming express had arrived on hurried wing. And would
that he had devoted to such trifles as these those days of horror
and cruelty, in which he removed from the city those glorious and
illustrious spirits, with none to punish or avenge the deed! But he
perished as soon as he began to be an object of alarm to cobblers. This
was what proved fatal to one that was reeking with the blood of the
Lamiæ!

FOOTNOTES:

[177] _Iterum. _ Cf. i. , 27, "Pars Niliacæ plebis, verna Canopi,
Crispinus. "

[178] Cf. vii. , 179.

[179] The vestal escaped her punishment, through Crispinus' interest
with Domitian.

[180] Cf. Sat. ii. , 29. Suet. , Domit. , c. 8. Plin. , iv. , Epist xi.

[181] _Sex millibus_, about £44 7_s. _ 6_d. _ of English money. The value
of the sestertium was reduced after the reign of Augustus. A mullet
even of three pounds' weight was esteemed a great rarity. Vid. Hor. ,
Sat. , II. , ii. , 33, "Mullum laudas trilibrem. "

[182] The chief heir was named in the second line of the first table.
Cf. Horace, ii. , Sat. v. , 53. Suet. , Cæs. , 83; Nero, 17.

[183] Cf. Sat. xi. , 3.

[184] _Papyrus. _ Garments were made of papyrus even in Anacreon's days.
iv. , Od. 4. It is still used for the same purpose.

[185] Land would be probably cheap in Apulia, from its barrenness, and
bad air, and the prevalence of the wind Atabulus. Cf. Hor. , i. , Sat.
v. , Montes Apulia notos quos torret Atabulus.

[186] i. e. , Alexandria. Of the various readings of this line, "pactâ
mercede" seems to be the best. Even the fish Crispinus sold were not
his own, he was only hired to sell them for others.

[187] _Nero_, i. e. , Domitian, who was as much disgusted at his own
baldness as Cæsar.

[188] Founded by a colony of Syracusans, who fled from the tyranny of
Dionysius.

[189] _Agerunt cum_; perhaps, "be ready to go to law with. "

[190] _Sperare_ sometimes means to _fear_. Cf. Virg. , Æn. , iv. , 419.

[191] Alba was Domitian's favorite residence. Vid. Suet. , Dom. ,
iv. , 19. Plin. , iv. , Ep. xi. , "Non in regiam sed in Albanam villam
convocavit. "

[192] The "Lesser" Vesta, compared with the splendor of her "Cultus" at
Rome, which had been established by Numa. The temples were spared at
the time of the destruction of Alba by Tullus Hostilius. Vid. Liv. , i.

[193] "Sæculum" is repeatedly used in this sense by Pliny, and other
writers of this age.

[194] As though Rome had now so far lost her privileges and her
liberty, as to be no better than a country vicus, to be governed by a
bailiff.

[195] Vibius Crispus Placentinus, the author of the witticism about
"Domitian and the flies. " Vid. Suet. , Dom. , 3.

[196] _Juvene. _ Probably a son of this M. Acilius Glabrio, who was
murdered by Domitian out of envy at the applause he received when
fighting in the arena at the emperor's own command.

[197] i. e. , "Terræ filius," Pers. , vi. , 57, one of the meanest origin.

[198] It was 444 years before barbers were introduced into the city
from Sicily.

[199] Alluding to Nero's satire on Quintianus. Vid. Tac. , Ann. , xv. ,
49. Quintianus mollitie corporis infamis, et a Nerone probroso carmine
diffamatus.

[200] _Catullus Messalinus. _ Vid. Plin. , Ep. , iv. , 22. Fabricius
Veiento wrote some satirical pieces, for which Nero banished him,
and ordered his books to be burnt. Vid. Tac. , Ann. , xiv. , 50. He was
probably the husband of Hippia, mentioned in the 6th Satire, l. 82.

[201] "Pons. " Cf. Sat. v. , 8; xiv. , 134.

[202] Cf. Suet. , Nero, 27.

[203] Cf. vi. , 430.


SATIRE V.

If you are not yet ashamed of your course of life,[204] and your
feeling is still the same, that you consider living at another man's
table to be the chief good; if you can put up with such things as not
even Sarmentus or Galba, contemptible as he was, would have submitted
to even at the unequal[205] board of Cæsar himself; I should be afraid
to believe your evidence though you were on oath. I know nothing
more easily satisfied than the cravings of nature. Yet even suppose
this little that is needed to be wanting, is there no quay vacant?
is there no where a bridge, and a piece of mat, somewhat less than
half, to beg upon? Is the loss of a supper so great a matter? is your
craving so fierce? when, in faith, it were much more reputable[206]
to shiver there, and munch mouldy fragments of dog-biscuit. In the
first place, bear in mind, that when invited to dinner, you receive
payment in full of your long-standing account of service. The sole
result of your friendship with the great man is--a meal! This your
patron sets down to your account, and, rare though it be, still takes
it into the calculation. Therefore, if after the lapse of two months
he deigns to send for his long-neglected client, only that the third
place may not be unoccupied in one couch of his triclinium[207]--"Let
us sup together," he says; the very summit of your wishes! What more
can you desire? Trebius has that for which he ought to break his rest,
and hurry away with latchet all untied, in his alarm lest the whole
crowd at his patron's levee shall have already gone their round of
compliments, when the stars are fading, or at the hour when the chill
wain of sluggish Bootes wheels slowly round. [208]

But what sort of a supper is it after all? Wine, such as wool just
shorn would not imbibe. [209] You will see the guests become frantic
as the priests of Cybele. Wranglings are the prelude of the fray: but
soon you begin to hurl cups as well in retaliation; and wipe your
wounds with your napkin stained with blood; as often as a pitched
battle, begun with pitchers of Saguntine ware, rages between you and
the regiment of freedmen. The great man himself drinks wine racked from
the wood under some consul with long hair,[210] and sips[211] the juice
of the grape pressed in the Social war; never likely, however, to send
even a small glass to a friend, though sick at heart. To-morrow, he
will drink the produce of the mountains of Alba or Setia,[212] whose
country and date age has obliterated by the accumulated mould on the
ancient amphora; such wine as, with chaplets on their heads, Thrasea
and Helvidius used to drink on the birthdays of the Bruti and Cassius.
Virro himself holds capacious cups formed of the tears of the
Heliades[213] and phialæ incrusted with beryl. You are not trusted
with gold: or even if it is ever handed to you, a servant is set as
a guard over you at the same time, to count the gems and watch your
sharp nails. Forgive the precaution: the jasper so much admired there
is indeed a noble one: for, like many others, Virro transfers to his
cups the gems from off his fingers, which the youth, preferred to the
jealous Hiarbas,[214] used to set on the front of his scabbard. You
will drain a cup with four noses, that bears the name of the cobbler of
Beneventum,[215] already cracked, and fit to be exchanged, as broken
glass, for brimstone. [216]

If your patron's stomach is overheated with wine and food, he calls for
water cooled by being boiled and then iced in Scythian snow. [217] Did
I complain just now that the wine set before you was not the same as
Virro's? Why, the very water you drink is different. Your cups will be
handed you by a running footman from Gætulia, or the bony hand of some
Moor, so black that you would rather not meet him at midnight, while
riding through the tombs on the steep Latin way. Before Virro himself
stands the flower of Asia, purchased at a greater sum than formed the
whole revenue of the warlike Tullus, or Ancus--and, not to detain you,
the whole fortunes[218] of all the kings of Rome. And so, when you
are thirsty, look behind you for your black Ganymede that comes from
Africa. A boy that costs so many thousands deigns not to mix wine for
the poor. Nay, his very beauty and bloom of youth justify his sneer.
When does he come near you? When would he come, even if you called him,
to serve you with hot or cold water? He scorns, forsooth, the idea of
obeying an old client, and that _you_ should call for any thing from
his hand; and that you should recline at table, while he has to stand.
Every great house is proportionably full of saucy menials.

See, too, with what grumbling another of these rascals hands you bread
that can scarce be broken; the mouldy fragments of impenetrable crust,
which would make your jaws ache, and give you no chance of a bite.
But delicate bread, as white as snow, made of the finest flower, is
reserved for the great man. Mind you keep your hands off! Maintain the
respect due to the cutter of the bread! [219] Imagine, however, that you
have been rather too forward; there stands over you one ready to make
you put it down. "Be so good, audacious guest, as to help yourself from
the bread-basket you have been used to, and know the color of your own
particular bread. " "So then! [220] it was for this, forsooth, that I so
often quitted my wife, and hurried up the steep ascent of the bleak
Esquiline, when the vernal sky rattled with the pelting of the pitiless
hail, and my great coat dripped whole showers of rain! "

See! with how vast a body the lobster which is served to your patron
fills the dish, and with what fine asparagus it is garnished all round;
with what a tail he seems to look down in scorn on the assembled
guests, when he comes in raised on high by the hands of the tall slave.
But to you is served a common crab, scantily hedged in[221] with half
an egg sliced, a meal fit only for the dead,[222] and in a dish too
small to hold it. Virro himself drowns his fish in oil from Venafrum;
but the pale cabbage set before you, poor wretch, will stink of the
lamp. For in the sauceboats you are allowed, there is served oil such
as the canoe of the Micipsæ has imported in its sharp prow; for which
reason no one at Rome would bathe in the same bath with Bocchor; which
makes the blackamoors safe even from the attacks of serpents.

Your patron will have a barbel furnished by Corsica, or the rocks of
Tauromenium, when all our own waters have been ransacked and failed;
while gluttony is raging, and the market is plying its unwearied nets
in the neighboring seas, and we do not allow the Tyrrhene fish to
reach their full growth. The provinces, therefore, have to supply our
kitchen; and thence we are furnished with what Lenas the legacy-hunter
may buy, and Aurelia sell again. [223] Virro is presented with a lamprey
of the largest size from the Sicilian whirlpool. For while Auster keeps
himself close, while he seats himself and dries his wet pinions in
prison, the nets,[224] grown venturesome, despise the dangers even of
the middle of Charybdis.
An eel awaits you--first-cousin to the long
snake--or a coarse pike[225] from the Tiber, spotted from the winter's
ice, a native of the bank-side, fattened on the filth of the rushing
sewer, and used to penetrate the drain even of the middle of Suburra.

"I should like to have a word with Virro, if he would lend an attentive
ear. No one now expects from you such presents as used to be sent
by Seneca to his friends of humble station, or the munificent gifts
which the bountiful Piso or Cotta used to dispense; for in days of
old the glory of giving was esteemed a higher honor than fasces
or inscriptions. All we ask is that you would treat us at supper
like fellow-citizens. Do this, and then, if you please, be, as many
now-a-days are, luxurious when alone, parsimonious to your guests. "

Before Virro himself is the liver of a huge goose; a fat capon, as big
as a goose; and a wild boar, worthy of the spear of the yellow-haired
Meleager, smokes. Then will be served up truffles, if it happen to
be spring, and the thunder, devoutly wished for by the epicure,
shall augment the supper. "Keep your corn, O Libya," says Alledius,
"unyoke your oxen; provided only you send us truffles! " Meanwhile,
that no single source of vexation may be wanting, you will see the
carver[226] capering and gesticulating with nimble knife, till he has
gone through all the directions of his instructor in the art. Nor is
it in truth a matter of trifling import with what an air a leveret or
a hen is carved. You would be dragged by the heels, like Cacus[227]
when conquered by Hercules, and turned out of doors, if you were ever
to attempt to open your mouth, as though you had three names. [228]
When does Virro pass the cup to you, or take one that your lips have
contaminated? Which of you would be so rash, so lost to all sense of
shame, as to say, "Drink, sir! " to your patron lord? There are very
many things which men with coats worn threadbare dare not say. If any
god, or godlike hero, kinder to you than the fates have been, were to
give you a knight's estate, what a great man would you, small mortal,
become all at once from nothing at all! What a dear friend of Virro's!
"Give this to Trebius! [229] Set this before Trebius! My dear brother,
will you take some of this sweet-bread? "

O money! it is to thee he pays this honor! it is _thou_ and he are
the brothers! But if you wish to be my lord, and my lord's lord, let
no little Æneas sport in your hall,[230] or a daughter more endearing
than he. It is the barrenness of the wife that makes a friend really
agreeable and beloved. But even suppose your Mycale should be confined,
though she should even present you three boys at a birth, he will be
the very one to be delighted with the twittering nest; will order his
green stomacher[231] to be brought, and the filberts,[232] and the
begged-for penny, whenever the infant parasite shall come to dine with
him.

Before his friends whom he holds so vile will be set some
very questionable toadstools--before the great man himself, a
mushroom[233]--but such an one as Claudius ate, _before_ that furnished
by his wife, _after_ which he ate nothing more. Virro will order to be
served to himself and his brother Virros such noble apples, on whose
fragrance alone you are allowed to revel; such as the eternal autumn
of the Phæacians produced; or such as you might fancy purloined from
the African sisters. You feast upon some shriveled windfall, such as is
munched at the ramparts by him that is armed with buckler and helmet:
and, in dread of the lash, learns to hurl his javelin from the shaggy
goat's[234] back.

You may imagine, perhaps, that Virro does all this from stinginess. No!
his very object is to vex you. For what play, what mime is better than
disappointed gluttony? All this, therefore, is done, if you don't know
it, that you may be forced to give vent to your bile by your tears, and
gnash long your compressed teeth. You fancy yourself a freeman--the
great man's welcome guest! He looks upon you as one caught by the savor
of his kitchen. Nor does he conjecture amiss. For who is so utterly
destitute as twice to bear with his insolence, if it has been his good
fortune, when a boy, to wear the Tuscan gold,[235] or even the boss,
the badge of leather, that emblem of poverty.

The hope of a good dinner deludes you. "See! sure he'll send us now a
half-eaten hare, or a slice of that wild-boar haunch. [236] Now we shall
get that capon, as he has helped himself! " Consequently you all sit in
silent expectation, with bread in hand, untouched and ready for action.
And he that uses you thus shows his wisdom--if you _can_ submit to all
these things, then you _ought_ to bear them. Some day or other, you
will present your head with shaven crown, to be beaten: nor hesitate
to submit to the harsh lash--well worthy of such a banquet and such a
friend as this!

FOOTNOTES:

[204] _Propositi. _ So ix. , 20, flexisse videris propositum.

[205] _Iniquas. _ From the marked difference in the treatment of the
different guests.

[206] _Quum Pol sit honestius. _ Rupertis' conjecture.

[207] Trebius is put in the lowest place in the triclinium, the third
culcitra, or cushion, on the lowest (tertia) bed, and only because
there was no one else to occupy it.

[208] "What is the night? Almost at odds with morning, which is which. "
Macbeth, Act iii. , 4. Cf. Anacreon, iii. , 1; Theocr. , xxiv. , 11. i. e. ,
a little after midnight.

[209] "Tonsursæ tempus inter æquinoctium vernum et solstitium, quum
sudare inceperunt oves: a quo sudore recens lana tonsa sucida appellata
est. Tonsus recentes eodem die perungunt vino et oleo. " Varro, R. R. ,
II. , xi. , 6.

[210] Cf. iv. , 103.

[211] "Tenet," or "keeps to himself," or "holds up to the light. "

[212] _Setine_ was the favorite wine of Augustus. _Alban. _ Cf. Hor. ,
ii. , Sat. viii. , 16.

[213] Amber was fabled to be produced by the tears of the sisters of
Phaeton, the daughters of the Sun, shed for his loss, on the banks of
the Eridanus, where they were metamorphosed into poplars or alders.

[214] Cf. Virg. , Æn. , iv. , 261.

[215] Nero, on his way to Greece, fell in at Beneventum with one
Vatinius, "Sutrinæ tabernæ alumnus," whom he took first as his buffoon,
and afterward as his confidant. Tac. , Ann. , xv. , 34. Cf. Martial, xiv. ,
Ep. 96.

[216] _Sulphura. _ Cf. Mart. , i. , Ep. 43, Qui pallentia sulphurata
fractis permutat vitreis. Vid. x. , 3, Quæ sulphurata nolit empta
ramento Vatiniorum proxeneta fractorum. Compare the "Bellarmines" of
mediæval pottery and the Flemish "Graybeards. "

[217] _Pruinis. _ "Neronis principis inventum est decoquere aquam,
vitroque demissam in nives refrigerare. " Plin. , xxxi. , 3.

[218] _Frivola_; properly "goods and chattels. " Cf. iii. , 198.

[219] _Artocopi. _ Cf. Xen. , An. , IV. , iv. , 21. Some read Artoptæ.

[220] This is the indignant exclamation of Trebius.

[221] _Constrictus_, or, "shrunk from having been so long out of the
sea. "

[222] _Cœna_; the Silicernium; served on the ninth day to appease the
dead. Cf. Plaut. , Pseud. , III. , ii. , 7; Aul. , II. , iv. , 45.

[223] _Vendat. _ Cf. iii. , 187. Aurelia. See Plin. , ii. , Ep. 20.

[224] _Lina. _ Cf. Virg. , Georg. , i. , 142.

[225] The pike (Lupus Tiberinus) was esteemed in exact proportion to
the distance it was caught from the common sewers of Rome. Hor. , ii. ,
Sat. ii. , 31.

[226] _Structor. _ Cf. xi. , 136.

[227] _Cacus. _ Virg. , Æn. , viii. , 264.

[228] Free Roman citizens had three names, prænomen, nomen, and
cognomen. Slaves had no prænomen. Cf. Pers. , Sat. v. , 76-82. He means
to imply that, by turning parasite, Trebius had virtually forfeited the
privileges of a free Roman.

[229] _Da Trebio. _ Cf. Suet. , Dom. , xi. , "partibus de cœnâ dignatus
est. " Xen. , Anab. , I. , ix. , 26.

[230] Virg. , Æn. , iv. , 327.

[231] _Viridem thoraca. _ Heinrich supposes this to be a mimic piece of
armor, to be worn by children playing at soldiers.

[232] _Nuces_, "walnuts;" minimas nuces, _nuts_.

[233] Cf. Tac. , Ann. , xii. , 66, 7, "Infusum cibo boletorum venenum;" it
was prepared by Locusta. Cf. Sat.