Don't
manhandle
him!
James Joyce - Ulysses
THE CROPPY BOY: _(The ropenoose round his neck, gripes in his issuing
bowels with both hands)_
I bear no hate to a living thing, But I love my country beyond the king.
RUMBOLD, DEMON BARBER: _(Accompanied by two blackmasked assistants,
advances with gladstone bag which he opens)_ Ladies and gents,
cleaver purchased by Mrs Pearcy to slay Mogg. Knife with which Voisin
dismembered the wife of a compatriot and hid remains in a sheet in the
cellar, the unfortunate female's throat being cut from ear to ear. Phial
containing arsenic retrieved from body of Miss Barron which sent Seddon
to the gallows.
_(He jerks the rope. The assistants leap at the victim's legs and drag
him downward, grunting the croppy boy's tongue protrudes violently. )_
THE CROPPY BOY:
Horhot ho hray hor hother's hest.
_(He gives up the ghost. A violent erection of the hanged sends gouts
of sperm spouting through his deathclothes on to the cobblestones. Mrs
Bellingham, Mrs Yelverton Barry and the Honourable Mrs Mervyn Talboys
rush forward with their handkerchiefs to sop it up. )_
RUMBOLD: I'm near it myself. _(He undoes the noose)_ Rope which hanged
the awful rebel. Ten shillings a time. As applied to Her Royal Highness.
_(He plunges his head into the gaping belly of the hanged and draws out
his head again clotted with coiled and smoking entrails)_ My painful
duty has now been done. God save the king!
EDWARD THE SEVENTH: _(Dances slowly, solemnly, rattling his bucket, and
sings with soft contentment)_
On coronation day, on coronation day, O, won't we have a merry time,
Drinking whisky, beer and wine!
PRIVATE CARR: Here. What are you saying about my king?
STEPHEN: _(Throws up his hands)_ O, this is too monotonous! Nothing.
He wants my money and my life, though want must be his master, for
some brutish empire of his. Money I haven't. _(He searches his pockets
vaguely)_ GAVE IT TO SOMEONE.
PRIVATE CARR: Who wants your bleeding money?
STEPHEN: _(Tries to move off)_ Will someone tell me where I am least
likely to meet these necessary evils? _Ca se voit aussi a paris. _ Not
that I. . . But, by Saint Patrick. . . !
_(The women's heads coalesce. Old Gummy Granny in sugarloaf hat appears
seated on a toadstool, the deathflower of the potato blight on her
breast. )_
STEPHEN: Aha! I know you, gammer! Hamlet, revenge! The old sow that eats
her farrow!
OLD GUMMY GRANNY: _(Rocking to and fro)_ Ireland's sweetheart, the king
of Spain's daughter, alanna. Strangers in my house, bad manners to them!
_(She keens with banshee woe)_ Ochone! Ochone! Silk of the kine! _(She
wails)_ You met with poor old Ireland and how does she stand?
STEPHEN: How do I stand you? The hat trick! Where's the third person of
the Blessed Trinity? Soggarth Aroon? The reverend Carrion Crow.
CISSY CAFFREY: _(Shrill)_ Stop them from fighting!
A ROUGH: Our men retreated.
PRIVATE CARR: _(Tugging at his belt)_ I'll wring the neck of any fucker
says a word against my fucking king.
BLOOM: _(Terrified)_ He said nothing. Not a word. A pure
misunderstanding.
THE CITIZEN: _Erin go bragh! _
_(Major Tweedy and the Citizen exhibit to each other medals,
decorations, trophies of war, wounds. Both salute with fierce
hostility. )_
PRIVATE COMPTON: Go it, Harry. Do him one in the eye. He's a proboer.
STEPHEN: Did I? When?
BLOOM: _(To the redcoats)_ We fought for you in South Africa, Irish
missile troops. Isn't that history? Royal Dublin Fusiliers. Honoured by
our monarch.
THE NAVVY: _(Staggering past)_ O, yes! O God, yes! O, make the kwawr a
krowawr! O! Bo!
_(Casqued halberdiers in armour thrust forward a pentice of gutted
spearpoints. Major Tweedy, moustached like Turko the terrible, in
bearskin cap with hackleplume and accoutrements, with epaulettes, gilt
chevrons and sabretaches, his breast bright with medals, toes the line.
He gives the pilgrim warrior's sign of the knights templars. )_
MAJOR TWEEDY: _(Growls gruffly)_ Rorke's Drift! Up, guards, and at them!
Mahar shalal hashbaz.
PRIVATE CARR: I'll do him in.
PRIVATE COMPTON: _(Waves the crowd back)_ Fair play, here. Make a
bleeding butcher's shop of the bugger.
_(Massed bands blare_ Garryowen _and_ God save the King. )
CISSY CAFFREY: They're going to fight. For me!
CUNTY KATE: The brave and the fair.
BIDDY THE CLAP: Methinks yon sable knight will joust it with the best.
CUNTY KATE: _(Blushing deeply)_ Nay, madam. The gules doublet and merry
saint George for me!
STEPHEN:
The harlot's cry from street to street Shall weave Old Ireland's
windingsheet.
PRIVATE CARR: _(Loosening his belt, shouts)_ I'll wring the neck of any
fucking bastard says a word against my bleeding fucking king.
BLOOM: _(Shakes Cissy Caffrey's shoulders)_ Speak, you! Are you struck
dumb? You are the link between nations and generations. Speak, woman,
sacred lifegiver!
CISSY CAFFREY: _(Alarmed, seizes Private Carr's sleeve)_ Amn't I with
you? Amn't I your girl? Cissy's your girl. _(She cries)_ Police!
STEPHEN: _(Ecstatically, to Cissy Caffrey)_
White thy fambles, red thy gan
And thy quarrons dainty is.
VOICES: Police!
DISTANT VOICES: Dublin's burning! Dublin's burning! On fire, on fire!
_(Brimstone fires spring up. Dense clouds roll past. Heavy Gatling guns
boom. Pandemonium. Troops deploy. Gallop of hoofs. Artillery. Hoarse
commands. Bells clang. Backers shout. Drunkards bawl. Whores screech.
Foghorns hoot. Cries of valour. Shrieks of dying. Pikes clash on
cuirasses. Thieves rob the slain. Birds of prey, winging from the sea,
rising from marshlands, swooping from eyries, hover screaming, gannets,
cormorants, vultures, goshawks, climbing woodcocks, peregrines, merlins,
blackgrouse, sea eagles, gulls, albatrosses, barnacle geese. The
midnight sun is darkened. The earth trembles. The dead of Dublin
from Prospect and Mount Jerome in white sheepskin overcoats and black
goatfell cloaks arise and appear to many. A chasm opens with a noiseless
yawn. Tom Rochford, winner, in athlete's singlet and breeches, arrives
at the head of the national hurdle handicap and leaps into the void.
He is followed by a race of runners and leapers. In wild attitudes they
spring from the brink. Their bodies plunge. Factory lasses with fancy
clothes toss redhot Yorkshire baraabombs. Society ladies lift their
skirts above their heads to protect themselves. Laughing witches in red
cutty sarks ride through the air on broomsticks. Quakerlyster plasters
blisters. It rains dragons' teeth. Armed heroes spring up from furrows.
They exchange in amity the pass of knights of the red cross and fight
duels with cavalry sabres: Wolfe Tone against Henry Grattan, Smith
O'Brien against Daniel O'Connell, Michael Davitt against Isaac Butt,
Justin M'Carthy against Parnell, Arthur Griffith against John Redmond,
John O'Leary against Lear O'Johnny, Lord Edward Fitzgerald against Lord
Gerald Fitzedward, The O'Donoghue of the Glens against The Glens of The
O'Donoghue. On an eminence, the centre of the earth, rises the feldaltar
of Saint Barbara. Black candles rise from its gospel and epistle horns.
From the high barbacans of the tower two shafts of light fall on the
smokepalled altarstone. On the altarstone Mrs Mina Purefoy, goddess of
unreason, lies, naked, fettered, a chalice resting on her swollen belly.
Father Malachi O'Flynn in a lace petticoat and reversed chasuble, his
two left feet back to the front, celebrates camp mass. The Reverend Mr
Hugh C Haines Love M. A. in a plain cassock and mortarboard, his head
and collar back to the front, holds over the celebrant's head an open
umbrella. )_
FATHER MALACHI O'FLYNN: _Introibo ad altare diaboli. _
THE REVEREND MR HAINES LOVE: To the devil which hath made glad my young
days.
FATHER MALACHI O'FLYNN: _(Takes from the chalice and elevates a
blooddripping host) Corpus meum. _
THE REVEREND MR HAINES LOVE: _(Raises high behind the celebrant's
petticoat, revealing his grey bare hairy buttocks between which a carrot
is stuck)_ My body.
THE VOICE OF ALL THE DAMNED: Htengier Tnetopinmo Dog Drol eht rof,
Aiulella!
_(From on high the voice of Adonai calls. )_
ADONAI: Dooooooooooog!
THE VOICE OF ALL THE BLESSED: Alleluia, for the Lord God Omnipotent
reigneth!
_(From on high the voice of Adonai calls. )_
ADONAI: Goooooooooood!
_(In strident discord peasants and townsmen of Orange and Green factions
sing_ Kick the Pope _and_ Daily, daily sing to Mary. )
PRIVATE CARR: _(With ferocious articulation)_ I'll do him in, so help me
fucking Christ! I'll wring the bastard fucker's bleeding blasted fucking
windpipe!
OLD GUMMY GRANNY: _(Thrusts a dagger towards Stephen's hand)_ Remove
him, acushla. At 8. 35 a. m. you will be in heaven and Ireland will be
free. _(She prays)_ O good God, take him!
(THE RETRIEVER, NOSING ON THE FRINGE OF THE CROWD, BARKS NOISILY. )
BLOOM: _(Runs to lynch)_ Can't you get him away?
LYNCH: He likes dialectic, the universal language. Kitty! _(To Bloom)_
Get him away, you. He won't listen to me.
_(He drags Kitty away. )_
STEPHEN: _(Points) exit Judas. Et laqueo se suspendit. _
BLOOM: _(Runs to Stephen)_ Come along with me now before worse happens.
Here's your stick.
STEPHEN: Stick, no. Reason. This feast of pure reason.
CISSY CAFFREY: _(Pulling Private Carr)_ Come on, you're boosed. He
insulted me but I forgive him. _(Shouting in his ear)_ I forgive him for
insulting me.
BLOOM: _(Over Stephen's shoulder)_ Yes, go. You see he's incapable.
PRIVATE CARR: _(Breaks loose)_ I'll insult him.
_(He rushes towards Stephen, fist outstretched, and strikes him in the
face. Stephen totters, collapses, falls, stunned. He lies prone, his
face to the sky, his hat rolling to the wall. Bloom follows and picks it
up. )_
MAJOR TWEEDY: _(Loudly)_ Carbine in bucket! Cease fire! Salute!
THE RETRIEVER: _(Barking furiously)_ Ute ute ute ute ute ute ute ute.
THE CROWD: Let him up! Don't strike him when he's down! Air! Who? The
soldier hit him. He's a professor. Is he hurted?
Don't manhandle him!
He's fainted!
A HAG: What call had the redcoat to strike the gentleman and he under
the influence. Let them go and fight the Boers!
THE BAWD: Listen to who's talking! Hasn't the soldier a right to go with
his girl? He gave him the coward's blow.
_(They grab at each other's hair, claw at each other and spit)_
THE RETRIEVER: _(Barking)_ Wow wow wow.
BLOOM: _(Shoves them back, loudly)_ Get back, stand back!
PRIVATE COMPTON: _(Tugging his comrade)_ Here. Bugger off, Harry. Here's
the cops! _(Two raincaped watch, tall, stand in the group. )_
FIRST WATCH: What's wrong here?
PRIVATE COMPTON: We were with this lady. And he insulted us. And
assaulted my chum. _(The retriever barks)_ Who owns the bleeding tyke?
CISSY CAFFREY: _(With expectation)_ Is he bleeding!
A MAN: _(Rising from his knees)_ No. Gone off. He'll come to all right.
BLOOM: _(Glances sharply at the man)_ Leave him to me. I can easily. . .
SECOND WATCH: Who are you? Do you know him?
PRIVATE CARR: _(Lurches towards the watch)_ He insulted my lady friend.
BLOOM: _(Angrily)_ You hit him without provocation. I'm a witness.
Constable, take his regimental number.
SECOND WATCH: I don't want your instructions in the discharge of my
duty.
PRIVATE COMPTON: _(Pulling his comrade)_ Here, bugger off Harry. Or
Bennett'll shove you in the lockup.
PRIVATE CARR: _(Staggering as he is pulled away)_ God fuck old Bennett.
He's a whitearsed bugger. I don't give a shit for him.
FIRST WATCH: _(Takes out his notebook)_ What's his name?
BLOOM: _(Peering over the crowd)_ I just see a car there. If you give me
a hand a second, sergeant. . .
FIRST WATCH: Name and address.
_(Corny Kelleker, weepers round his hat, a death wreath in his hand,
appears among the bystanders. )_
BLOOM: _(Quickly)_ O, the very man! _(He whispers)_ Simon Dedalus' son.
A bit sprung. Get those policemen to move those loafers back.
SECOND WATCH: Night, Mr Kelleher.
CORNY KELLEHER: _(To the watch, with drawling eye)_ That's all right.
I know him. Won a bit on the races. Gold cup. Throwaway. _(He laughs)_
Twenty to one. Do you follow me?
FIRST WATCH: _(Turns to the crowd)_ Here, what are you all gaping at?
Move on out of that.
_(The crowd disperses slowly, muttering, down the lane. )_
CORNY KELLEHER: Leave it to me, sergeant. That'll be all right. _(He
laughs, shaking his head)_ We were often as bad ourselves, ay or worse.
What? Eh, what?
FIRST WATCH: _(Laughs)_ I suppose so.
CORNY KELLEHER: _(Nudges the second watch)_ Come and wipe your name off
the slate. _(He lilts, wagging his head)_ With my tooraloom tooraloom
tooraloom tooraloom. What, eh, do you follow me?
SECOND WATCH: _(Genially)_ Ah, sure we were too.
CORNY KELLEHER: _(Winking)_ Boys will be boys. I've a car round there.
SECOND WATCH: All right, Mr Kelleher. Good night.
CORNY KELLEHER: I'll see to that.
BLOOM: _(Shakes hands with both of the watch in turn)_ Thank you very
much, gentlemen. Thank you. _(He mumbles confidentially)_ We don't want
any scandal, you understand. Father is a wellknown highly respected
citizen. Just a little wild oats, you understand.
FIRST WATCH: O. I understand, sir.
SECOND WATCH: That's all right, sir.
FIRST WATCH: It was only in case of corporal injuries I'd have to report
it at the station.
BLOOM: _(Nods rapidly)_ Naturally. Quite right. Only your bounden duty.
SECOND WATCH: It's our duty.
CORNY KELLEHER: Good night, men.
THE WATCH: _(Saluting together)_ Night, gentlemen. _(They move off with
slow heavy tread)_
BLOOM: _(Blows)_ Providential you came on the scene. You have a car? . . .
CORNY KELLEHER: _(Laughs, pointing his thumb over his right shoulder to
the car brought up against the scaffolding)_ Two commercials that were
standing fizz in Jammet's. Like princes, faith. One of them lost two
quid on the race. Drowning his grief. And were on for a go with the
jolly girls. So I landed them up on Behan's car and down to nighttown.
BLOOM: I was just going home by Gardiner street when I happened to. . .
CORNY KELLEHER: _(Laughs)_ Sure they wanted me to join in with the mots.
No, by God, says I. Not for old stagers like myself and yourself. _(He
laughs again and leers with lacklustre eye)_ Thanks be to God we have it
in the house, what, eh, do you follow me? Hah, hah, hah!
BLOOM: _(Tries to laugh)_ He, he, he! Yes. Matter of fact I was just
visiting an old friend of mine there, Virag, you don't know him (poor
fellow, he's laid up for the past week) and we had a liquor together and
I was just making my way home. . .
_(The horse neighs. )_
THE HORSE: Hohohohohohoh! Hohohohome!
CORNY KELLEHER: Sure it was Behan our jarvey there that told me after
we left the two commercials in Mrs Cohen's and I told him to pull up and
got off to see. _(He laughs)_ Sober hearsedrivers a speciality. Will I
give him a lift home? Where does he hang out? Somewhere in Cabra, what?
BLOOM: No, in Sandycove, I believe, from what he let drop.
_(Stephen, prone, breathes to the stars. Corny Kelleher, asquint, drawls
at the horse. Bloom, in gloom, looms down. )_
CORNY KELLEHER: _(Scratches his nape)_ Sandycove! _(He bends down and
calls to Stephen)_ Eh! _(He calls again)_ Eh! He's covered with shavings
anyhow. Take care they didn't lift anything off him.
BLOOM: No, no, no. I have his money and his hat here and stick.
CORNY KELLEHER: Ah, well, he'll get over it. No bones broken. Well, I'll
shove along. _(He laughs)_ I've a rendezvous in the morning. Burying the
dead. Safe home!
THE HORSE: _(Neighs)_ Hohohohohome.
BLOOM: Good night. I'll just wait and take him along in a few. . .
_(Corny Kelleher returns to the outside car and mounts it. The horse
harness jingles. )_
CORNY KELLEHER: _(From the car, standing)_ Night.
BLOOM: Night.
_(The jarvey chucks the reins and raises his whip encouragingly. The
car and horse back slowly, awkwardly, and turn. Corny Kelleher on the
sideseat sways his head to and fro in sign of mirth at Bloom's plight.
The jarvey joins in the mute pantomimic merriment nodding from the
farther seat. Bloom shakes his head in mute mirthful reply. With thumb
and palm Corny Kelleher reassures that the two bobbies will allow the
sleep to continue for what else is to be done. With a slow nod Bloom
conveys his gratitude as that is exactly what Stephen needs. The car
jingles tooraloom round the corner of the tooraloom lane. Corny Kelleher
again reassuralooms with his hand. Bloom with his hand assuralooms Corny
Kelleher that he is reassuraloomtay. The tinkling hoofs and jingling
harness grow fainter with their tooralooloo looloo lay. Bloom, holding
in his hand Stephen's hat, festooned with shavings, and ashplant, stands
irresolute. Then he bends to him and shakes him by the shoulder. )_
BLOOM: Eh! Ho! _(There is no answer; he bends again)_ Mr Dedalus!
_(There is no answer)_ The name if you call. Somnambulist. _(He bends
again and hesitating, brings his mouth near the face of the prostrate
form)_ Stephen! _(There is no answer. He calls again. )_ Stephen!
STEPHEN: _(Groans)_ Who? Black panther. Vampire. _(He sighs and
stretches himself, then murmurs thickly with prolonged vowels)_
Who. . . drive. . . Fergus now
And pierce. . . wood's woven shade? . . .
_(He turns on his left side, sighing, doubling himself together. )_
BLOOM: Poetry. Well educated. Pity. _(He bends again and undoes
the buttons of Stephen's waistcoat)_ To breathe. _(He brushes the
woodshavings from Stephen's clothes with light hand and fingers)_ One
pound seven. Not hurt anyhow. _(He listens)_ What?
STEPHEN: _(Murmurs)_
. . . shadows. . . the woods
.
