"
The conversation in which this remark occurred took place in the library-study, and while Ulrich sat over several books he had taken along on his trip, his sister was rummaging through the legal and philosophical books, a bequest ofwhich she was the co-inheritor and out of which she picked the notions that led to her questions.
The conversation in which this remark occurred took place in the library-study, and while Ulrich sat over several books he had taken along on his trip, his sister was rummaging through the legal and philosophical books, a bequest ofwhich she was the co-inheritor and out of which she picked the notions that led to her questions.
Musil - Man Without Qualities - v2
''
Since Agathe did not reply, there was a silence. After a while Ul- rich said: "Anyway, I sometimes think that I can't really stand believ- ing that myself! When I saw you before, standing on the rampart," he added in an undertone, "I suddenly had a wild urge to do some- thing! I don't know why. I really have done some rash things some- times. The magic lay in the fact that when it was over, there was something more besides me. Sometimes I'm inclined to think that a person could be happy even as a result of a crime, because it gives him a certain ballast and perhaps keeps him on a steadier course. "
This time, too, his sister did not answer right away. He looked at her quietly, perhaps even expectantly, but without reexperiencing the surge he had just described, indeed without thinking of anything at all. After a little while, she asked him: 'Would you be angry with me if I committed a crime? ''
'What do you expect me to say to that? '' Ulrich said; he had bent over his knife again.
"Is there no answer? "
"No; nowadays there is no real answer. "
At this point Agathe said: 'Td like to kill Hagauer. "
Ulrich forced himself not to look up. The words had entered his
ear lightly and softly, but when they had passed they left behind something like broad wheel marks in his mind. He had instantly for- gotten her tone; he would have had to see her face to know how to take her words, but he did not want to accord them even that much importance.
"Fine," he said. 'Why shouldn't you? Is there anyone left today who hasn't wanted to do something of the kind? Do it, if you really can! It's just as if you had said: 'I would like to love him for his faults! ' " Now he straightened up again and looked his sister in the face. It was stubborn and swprisingly excited. Keeping his eyes on her, he said slowly:
"There's something wrong here, you see; on this frontier between what goes on inside us and what goes on outside, some kind of com-
Into the Millennium (The Criminals) · 8o7
munication is missing these days, and they adapt to each other only with tremendous losses. One might almost say that our evil desires are the dark side of the life we lead in reality, and the life we lead in reality is the dark side ofour good desires. Imagine ifyou actually did it: it wouldn't at all be what you meant, and you'd be horribly disap- pointed, to say the least. . . . "
"Perhaps I could suddenly be a different person-you admitted that yourself! " Agathe interrupted him.
As Ulrich at this moment looked around, he was reminded that they were not alone; two people were listening to their conversation. The old woman-hardly over forty, perhaps, but her rags and the traces of her humble life made her look older-had sat down socia- bly near the stove, and sitting beside her was the shepherd, who had come home to his hut during their conversation without their notic- ing him, absorbed in themselves as they were. The two old people sat with their hands on their knees and listened, or so it appeared, in wonder and with pride to the conversation that filled their hut, greatly pleased even though they did not understand a single word. They saw that the milk went undrunk, the sausage uneaten; it was all a spectacle and, for all anyone knew, an edifying one. They were not even whispering to each other. Ulrich's glance dipped into their wide-open eyes, and he smiled at them in embarrassment, but of the two only the woman smiled back, while the man maintained his seri- ous, reverential propriety.
"We must eat," Ulrich said to his sister in English. "They're won- dering about us. "
She obediently toyed with some bread and meat, and he for his part ate resolutely and even drank a little of the milk. Meanwhile Agathe went on, aloud and unembarrassed: "The idea of actually hurting him is repugnant to me when I come to think of it. So maybe I don't want to kill him. But I do want to wipe him out! Tear him into little pieces, pound them in a mortar, flush it down the drain; that's what I'd like to do! Root out everything that's happened! "
"This is a funny way for us "to be talking," Ulrich remarked.
Agathe was silent for a while. But then she said: "But you prom- ised me the first day you'd stand by me against Hagauer! "
"Ofcourse I will. But not like that. "
Again she was silent. Then she said suddenly: "If you bought or
8o8 · THE MAN WITH0 UT QUALITIES
rented a car we could drive to my house by way of Iglau and come back the longer way around, through Tabor, I think. It would never occur to anyone that we'd been there in the night. "
"And the servants? Fortunately, I can't drive! " Ulrich laughed, but then he shook his head in annoyance. "Such up-to-date ideas! "
"So you say," Agathe answered. Pensively, she pushed a bit of bacon back and forth on her plate with a fingernail, and it looked as though the fingernail, which had a greasy spot from the bacon, was doing it on its own. "But you've also said that the virtues of society are vices to the saint! "
"But I didn't say that the vices of society are virtues to the saint! " Ulrich pointed out. He laughed, caught hold of Agathe's hand, and cleaned it with his handkerchief.
"You always take everything back! " Agathe scolded him with a dis- satisfied smile, the blood rushing to her face as she tried to free her finger.
The two old people by the stove, still watching exactly as before, now smiled broadly in echo.
'When you talk with me first one way, then another," Agathe said in a low but impassioned voice, "it's as if I were seeing myself in a splintered mirror. With you, one never sees oneself from head to toe! "
"No," Ulrich answered without letting go of her hand. "One never sees oneselfas awhole nowadays, and one never moves as awhole- that's just it! "
Agathe gave in and suddenly stopped withdrawing her hand. ''I'm certainly the opposite of holy," she said softly. "I may have been worse than a kept woman with my indifference. And I'm certainly not spoiling for action, and maybe I'll never be able to kill anyone. But when you first said that about the saint-and it was quite a while ago-it made me see something 'as a whole. ' " She bowed her head, in thought or possibly to hide her face. "I saw a saint-maybe a fig- ure on a fountain. To tell the truth, maybe I didn't see anything at all, but I felt something that has to be expressed this way. The water flowed, and what the saint did also came flowing over the rim, as ifhe were a fountain gently brimming over in all directions. That's how one ought to be, I think; then one would always be doing what was right and yet it wouldn't matter at all what one did. "
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. . Agathe sees herself standing in the world overflowing with holi- ness and trembling for her sins, and sees with incredulity how the snakes and rhinoceroses, mountains and ravines, silent and even smaller than she is, lie down at her feet," he said, gently teasing her. . . But what of Hagauer? "
. . That's just it. He doesn't fit in. He has to go. "
. . Now I have something to tell you," her brother said. . . Every time I've had to take part in anything with other people, something ofgen- uine social concern, I've been like a man who steps outside the thea- ter before the final act for a breath of fresh air, sees the great dark void with all those stars, and walks away, abandoning hat, coat, and play. "
Agathe gave him a searching look. It was and wasn't an adequate answer.
Ulrich met her gaze. . . You, too, are often plagued by a sense that there's always a 'dislike' before there's a 'like,'" he said, and thought: . . Is she really like me? " Again he thought: . . Perhaps the way a pastel resembles a woodcut. " He regarded himself as the more stable. And she was more beautiful than he. Such a pleasing beauty! He shifted his grip from her finger to her whole hand, a wann, long hand full of life, which up to now he had held in his own only long enough for a greeting. His young sister was upset, and while there were no actual tears in her eyes, he saw a moist shimmer there.
. . In a few days you'll be leaving me too," she said, . . and how can I cope with everything then? "
'W e can stay together; you can follow me. "
. . How do you suppose that would work? " Agathe asked, with the little thoughtful furrow on her forehead.
. . 1 don't suppose at all; it's the first I've thought of it. "
He stood up and gave the sheepherders some more money, . . for the carved-up table. "
Through a haze Agathe saw the country folk grinning, bobbing, and saying something about how glad they were, in short, incompre- hensible words. As she went past them, she felt their four hospitable eyes, staring with naked emotion at her face, and realized that she and Ulrich had been taken for lovers who had quarreled and made up.
. . They took us for lovers! " she said. Impetuously she slid her ann
810 · THE MAN WITH0UT QUALITIES
in his, and a wave ofjoy welled up in her. "You must give me a kiss! " she demanded, laughing, and pressed her arm in her brother's as they stood on the threshold of the hut and the low door opened into the darkness ofevening.
11
HOL Y DISCOURSE: BEGINNING
For the rest of Ulrich's stay little more was said about Hagauer; nor for a long time did they again refer to the idea that they should make their reunion permanent and take up life together. Nevertheless, the fire that had flamed up in Agathe's unrestrained desire to do away with her husband still smoldered under the ashes. It spread out in conversations that reached no end and yet burst out again; perhaps one should say: Agathe's feelings were seeking another possibility of burning freely.
She usually began such conversations with a definite, personal question, the inner form of which was: "May I, or may I not . . . ? " The lawlessness of her nature had until now rested on the sad and dispirited principle that 'Tm allowed to do anything, but I don't want to anyway," and so his young sister's questions sometimes seemed to Ulrich, not inappropriately, like the questions of a child, which are as warm as the little hands of these helpless beings.
His own answers were different in kind, though no less character- istic: he always enjoyed sharing the yield of his experience and his reflections, and as was his custom expressed himself in a fashion as frank as it was intellectually enterprising. He always arrived quickly at the "moral of the story" his sister was talking about, summed things up in formulas, liked to use himself for illustration, and managed in this fashion to tell Agathe a great deal about himself, especially about his earlier, more eventful life. Agathe told him noth- ing about herself, but she admired his ability to speak about his own
Into the Millennium (The Criminals) · 8 1 1
life like that, and his way of subjecting every point she raised to moral scrutiny suited her very well. For morality is nothing more than an ordering that embraces both the soul and things, so it is not strange that young people, whose zeal for life has not yet been blunted on every side, talk ~bout it a good deal. But with a man of Ulrich's age and experience some explanation is called for, because men talk of morality only in their working lives, if it happens to be part of their professional jargon; otherwise, the word has been swallowed by the business of living and never manages to regain its freedom. So when Ulrich spoke of morality it was a sign of some profound disorder, which attracted Agathe because it corresponded to something in her- self. She was ashamed, now that she heard what complicated precon- ditions would have to be met, of her naYve proclamation that she intended to live "in complete harmony" with herself, and yet she was impatient for her brother to come more quickly to a conclusion; for it often seemed to her that everything he said brought him closer to it, and with greater precision the further he went, but he always stopped at the last step, just at the threshold, where, every time, he gave up the attempt.
The locus of this deflection and of these last steps-and their par- alyzing effect did not escape Ulrich-can most generally be indi- cated by noting that every proposition in European morality leads to such a point, which one cannot get beyond, so that a person taking stock ofhimselfhas first the gestures ofwading in shallows, as long as he feels firm convictions underfoot, succeeded by the sudden ges- tures of horribly drowning when he goes a little farther, as though the solid ground of life had abruptly fallen off from the shallows into a completely imponderable abyss. This had a particular way of mani- festing itself as well when brother and sister were talking: Ulrich could speak calmly and clearly on any subject he brought up, so long as his reason was involved, and Agathe felt a similar eagerness in lis- tening; but when they stopped and fell silent, a much greater tension came over their faces. And so it happened once that they were car- ried across the frontier they had hitherto unconsciously respected. Ulrich had maintained that "the only basic characteristic of our mo- rality is that its commandments contradict each other. The most moral of all propositions is: The exception proves the rule! " He had apparently been moved to this assertion only by his distaste for a sys-
812 · THE MAN WITHOUT QUALITIES
tern that claims to be unyielding, but in practice must yield to every deflection, which makes it the opposite of a precise procedure that first bases itself on experience and then derives the general law from these observations. He was of course aware of the distinction be- tween natural and moral laws, that the first are derived from observ- ing amoral nature, while the second have to be imposed on less stubborn human nature; but being of the opinion that something about this opposition was today no longer accurate, he had been just about to say that the moral system was intellectually a hundred years behind the times, which was why it was so hard to adapt it to changed conditions. But before he could get that far with his explanation Agathe interrupted him with an answer that seemed very simple, but for the moment took him aback.
"Isn't it good to be good? " she asked her brother, with a gleam in her eye like the one she'd had when she was fiddling with her father's medals, which presumably not everybody would have considered good.
"You're right," he replied eagerly. "One really has to formulate some such proposition ifone wants to feel the original meaning again! But children still like being 'good' as ifit were some tidbit. . . . "
"And being 'bad' as well," Agathe added.
"But does being good have any part in the passions of adults? " Ul- rich asked. "It certainly is part of their principles. Not that they are good-they would regard that as childish-but that their behavior is good. A good person is one who has good principles and who does good things: it's an open secret that he can be quite disgusting as well. "
"See Hagauer," Agathe volunteered.
"There's an absurd paradox inherent in those good people," Ul- rich said. "They turn a condition into an imperative, a state of grace into a norm, a state of being into a purpose! In a whole lifetime this household of good people never serves up anything but leftovers, while keeping up a rumor that these are the scraps from a great feast day that was celebrated once. It's true that from time to time a few virtues come back into fashion, but as soon as that happens they lose their freshness again. "
"Didn't you once say that the same act may be either good or bad, depending on circumstances? " Agathe asked.
Into the Millennium (The Criminals) · 813
Ulrich agreed. That was his theory, that moral values were not ab- solutes but functional concepts. But when we moralize or generalize we separate them out from their natural context: "And that is pre- sumably the point where something goes wrong on the path to virtue. "
"OtheiWise, how could virtuous people be so dreary," Agathe added, "when their intention to be good ought to be the most de- lightful, challenging, and enjoyable thing anyone could imagine! "
Her brother hesitated, but suddenly he let slip a remark that was soon to bring them into a most unusual relationship.
"Our morality," he declared, "is the crystallization of an inner movement that is completely different from it. Not one thing we say is right! Take any statement, like the one that just occurred to me: 'Prison is a place for repentance. ' It's something we can say with the best conscience in the world, but no one takes it literally, because it would mean hellfue for the prisoners! So how is one to take it? Surely few people know what repentance is, but everybody can tell you where it should reign. Or imagine that something is uplifting- how did that ever get to be part of our morals? When did we ever lie with our faces in the dust, so that it was bliss to be uplifted? Or try to imagine literally being seized by an idea-the moment you were to feel such a thing physically you'd have crossed the border into insan- ity! Every word demands to be taken literally, otheiWise it decays into a lie; but one can't take words literally, or the world would turn into a madhouse! Some kind of grand intoxication rises out of this as a dim memory, and one sometimes wonders whether everything we experience may not be fragmented pieces tom from some ancient entity that was once put together wrong.
"
The conversation in which this remark occurred took place in the library-study, and while Ulrich sat over several books he had taken along on his trip, his sister was rummaging through the legal and philosophical books, a bequest ofwhich she was the co-inheritor and out of which she picked the notions that led to her questions. Since their outing the pair had rarely left the house. This was how they spent most of their time. Sometimes they strolled in the garden, where winter had peeled the leaves from the bare shrubbery, expos- ing the earth beneath, swollen with rain. The sight was agonizing. The air was pallid, like something left too long under water. The gar-
814 · THE MAN WITHOUT QUALITIES
den was not large. The paths soon turned back upon themselves. The state of mind induced in both of them by walking on these paths edd- ied in circles, as a rising current does behind a dam. When they re- turned to the house the rooms were dark and sheltered, and the windows resembled deep lighting shafts through which the day ar- rived with all the brittle delicacy of thinnest ivory.
Now, after Ulrich's last, vehement words, Agathe descended from the library ladder on which she had been sitting and put her arms around his shoulders without a word. It was an unaccustomed show of tenderness, for apart from the two kisses, the first on the evening of their first encounter and the other a few days ago when they had set out on their way home from the shepherd's hut, the siblings' nat- ural reserve had released itself in nothing more than words or little acts of attentiveness, and on both those occasions, too, the effect of the intimate contact had been concealed by its unexpectedness and exuberance. But this time Ulrich was instantly reminded of the still- warm garter that his sister had given the deceased as a parting gift instead of a flood of words. The thought shot through his head: "She certainly must have a lover; but she doesn't seem too attached to him, otherwise she wouldn't be staying on here so calmly. " Clearly, she was a woman, who had led her life as a woman independently of him and would go on doing so. His shoulder felt the beauty of her arm from the distribution of its resting weight, and on the side turned toward his sister he had a shadowy sense of the nearness of her blond armpit and the outline of her breast. So as not to go on sitting there in mute surrender to that quiet embrace, he placed his hand over her fingers close to his neck, with this contact drowning out the other.
"You know, it's rather childish, talking the way we do," he said, not without some ill humor. "The world is full of energetic resolution, and here we sit in luxuriant idleness, talking about the sweetness of being good and the theoretical pots we could fill with it. "
Agathe freed her fingers but let her hand go back to its place. 'What's that you've been reading all this time? " she asked.
"You know what it is," he said. "You've been looking at the book behind my back often enough! "
"But I don't know what to make of it. "
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He could not bring himselfto talk about it. Agathe, who had drawn up a chair, was crouching behind him and had simply nestled her face peacefully in his hair as though she were napping. Ulrich was strangely reminded of the moment when his enemy Amheim had thrown an arm around him and the unregulated current of physical contact with another being had invaded him as through a breach. But this time his own nature did not repel the alien one; on the contrary, something in him advanced toward her, something that had been buried under the rubble of mistrust and resentment that fills the heart of a man who has lived a fairly long time. Agathe's relationship to him, which hovered between sister and wife, stranger and friend, without being equatable to any one of them, was not even based on a far-reaching accord between their thoughts or feelings, as he had often told himself, yet it was in complete accord-as he was now al- most astonished to note-with the fact, which had crystallized after relatively few days full of countless impressions not easy to review in a moment, that Agathe's mouth was bedded on his hair with no fur- ther claim, and that his hair was becoming warm and moist from her breath. This was as spiritual as it was physical, for when Agathe re- peated her question Ulrich was overcome with a seriousness such as he had not felt since the credulous days of his youth; and before this cloud of imponderable seriousness fled again, a cloud that extended from the space behind his back to the book before him, on which his thoughts were resting, he had given an answer that astonished him more for the total absence of irony in its tone than for its meaning:
''I'm instructing myself about the ways of the holy life. "
He stood up; not to move away from his sister but in order to be able to see her better from a few steps away.
"You needn't laugh," he said. ''I'm not religious; I'm studying the road to holiness to see ifit might also be possible to drive a car on it! " "I only laughed," she replied, "because I'm so curious to hear what you're going to say. The books you brought along are new to me, but I have a feeling that I would find them not entirely incomprehensi-
ble. "
''You understand that? " her brother asked, already convinced that
she did understand. "One may be caught up in the most intense feel- ing, when suddenly one's eye is seized by the play of some godfor-
816 • THE MAN WITHOUT QUALITIES
saken, man-forsaken thing and one simply can't tear oneself away. Suddenly one feels borne up by its puny existence like a feather float- ing weightlessly and powerlessly on the wind. "
"Except for the intense feeling you make such a point of, I think I know what you mean," Agathe said, and could not help smiling at the almost ferocious glare of embarrassment on her brother's face, not at all in keeping with the tenderness ofhis words. "One sometimes for- gets to see and to hear, and is struck completely dumb. And yet it's precisely in minutes like these that one feels one has come to oneself for a moment. "
"I would say," Ulrich went on eagerly, "that it's like looking out over a wide shimmering sheet ofwater-so bright it seems like dark- ness to the eye, and on the far bank things don't seem to be standing on solid ground but float in the air with a delicately exaggerated dis- tinctness that's almost painful and hallucinatory. The impression one gets is as much ofintensification as ofloss. One feels linked with ev- erything but can't get close to anything. You stand here, and the world stands there, overly subjective and overly objective, but both almost painfully clear, and what separates and unites these normally fused elements is a blazing darkness, an overflowing and extinction, a swinging in and out. You swim like a fish in water or a bird in air, but there's no riverbank and no branch, only this floating! " Ulrich had slipped into poetry, but the fire and firmness of his language stood out in relief against its tender and airy meaning like metal. He seemed to have cast off the caution that usually controlled him, and Agathe looked at him astonished, but also with an uneasy gladness.
"So you think," she asked, "that there's something behind it? More than a 'fit,' or whatever hateful, placating words are used? "
"I should say I do! " He sat down again at his earlier place and leafed through the books that lay there, while Agathe got up to make room for him. Then he opened one ofthem, with the words: "This is how the saints describe it," and read aloud:
"'During those days I was exceeding restless. Now I sat awhile, now I wandered back and forth through the house'. It was like a tor- ment, and yet it can be called more a sweetness than a torment, for there was no vexation in it, only a strange, quite supernatural con- tentment. I had transcended all my faculties and reached the ob- scure power. There I heard without sound, there I saw without light.
Into the Millennium (The Criminals) · 81 7
And my heart became bottomless, my spirit formless, and my nature immaterial. ' "
It seemed to them both that this description resembled the rest- lessness with which they themselves had been driven through house and garden, and Agathe in particular was surprised that the saints also called their hearts bottomless and their spirits formless. But Ul- rich seemed to be caught up again in his irony.
He explained: "The saints say: Once I was imprisoned, then I was drawn out of myself and immersed in God without knowledge. The emperors out hunting, as we read about them in our storybooks, de- scribe it differently: They tell how a stag appeared to them with a cross between its antlers, causing the murderous spear to drop from their hands; and then they built a chapel on the spot so they could get on with their hunting. The rich, clever ladies in whose circles I move will answer immediately, ifyou should ask them about it, that the last artist who painted such experiences was van Gogh. Or perhaps in- stead of a painter they might mention Rilke's poetry, but in general they prefer van Gogh, who is a superb investment and who cut his ear offbecause his painting didn't do enough when measured against the rapture ofthings. But the great majority ofour people will say, on the contrary, that cutting your ear offis not a German way of express- ing deep feelings; a German way is that unmistakable vacuousness of the elevated gaze one experiences on a mountaintop. For them the essence of human sublimity lies in solitude, pretty little flowers, and murmuring little brooks; and yet even in that bovine exaltation, with its undigested delight in nature, there lurks the misunderstood last echo of a mysterious other life. So when all is said and done, there must be something of the sort, or it must have existed at some time! "
"Then you shouldn't make fun of it," Agathe objected, grim with curiosity and radiant with impatience.
"I only make fun of it because I love it," Ulrich said curtly.
BIB
12
HOL Y DISCOURSE: ERRA TIC PROGRESS
In the following days there were always many books on the table, some ofwhich he had brought from home, others that he had bought since, and he would either talk extemporaneously or cite a passage, one ofmany he had marked with little slips ofpaper, to prove a point or quote the exact wording. The books before him were mostly lives of the mystics, their writings, or scholarly works about them, and he usually deflected the conversation from them by saying: "Now let's take a good hard look and see what's really going on here. " This was a cautious attitude he was not prepared to give up easily, and so he said to her once:
"If you could read right through all these accounts that men and women of past centuries have left us, describing their state of divine rapture, you would find much truth and reality in among the printed words, and yet the statements made of these words would go wholly against the grain ofyour present-day mind. " And he went on: "They speak of an overflowing radiance. Of an infinite expanse, a boundless opulence of light. Of an overarching oneness of all things and all the soul's energies. Of an awesome and indescribable uplifting of the heart. Of insights coming so swiftly that it's all simultaneous and like drops of fire falling into the world. And then again they speak of a forgetting and no longer understanding, even of everything falling utterly away. They speak of an immense serenity far removed from all passion. Of growing mute. A vanishing of thoughts and inten- tions. A blindness in which they see clearly, a clarity in which they are dead and supernaturally alive. They call it a shedding of their being, and yet they claim to be more fully alive than ever. Aren't these the same sensations, however veiled by the difficulty of expressing them, still experienced today when the heart-'greedy and gorged,' as they say! -stumbles by chance into those utopian regions situated somewhere and nowhere between infinite tenderness and infinite loneliness? "
Into the Millennium (The Criminals) · 819
As he paused briefly to think, Agathe's voice joined in: "It's what you once called two layers that overlie each other within us. "
"I did? When? "
"When you walked aimlessly into town and felt as though you were dissolving into it, although at the same time you didn't like the place. I told you that this happens to me often. "
"Oh yes! You even said 'Hagauer! '" Ulrich exclaimed. "And we laughed-now I remember. But we didn't really mean it. Anyway, it's not the only time I talked to you about the kind ofvision that gives and the kind that receives, about the male and female principles, the hermaphroditism of the primal imagination and so o n -I can say a lot about these things. As if my mouth were as far away from me as the moon, which is also always on hand for confidential chats in the night! But what these believers have to say about their souls' adven- tures," he went on, mingling the bitterness of his words with objec- tivity and even admiration, "is sometimes written with the force and the ruthless analytic conviction ofa Stendhal. But only"-he limited this-"as long as they stick to the phenomena and their judgment doesn't enter in, which is corrupted by their flattering conviction that they've been singled out by God to have direct experience of Him. For from that moment on, of course, they no longer speak of their perceptions, which are so hard to describe and have no nouns or verbs, but begin to speak in sentences with subject and object, be- cause they believe in their soul and in God as in the two doorposts between which the miraculous will blossom. And so they arrive at these statements about the soul being drawn out of the body and ab- sorbed into the Lord, or say that the Lord penetrates them like a lover. They are caught, engulfed, dazzled, swept away, raped by God, or else their soul opens to Him, enters into Him, tastes of Him, em- braces Him with love and hears Him speak. The earthly model for this is unmistakable, and these descriptions no longer resemble tre- mendous discoveries but rather a series of fairly predictable images with which an erotic poet decks out his subject, about which only one opinion is permissible. For a person like me, anyway, brought up to maintain reserve, these accounts stretch me on the rack, for the elect, even as they assure me that God has spoken to them, or that they have understood the speech of trees and animals, neglect to tell me what it was that was imparted to them; or if they do, it comes out
820 • THE MAN WITH0UT QUALITIES
as purely personal details, or a rehash of the Clerical News. It's an everlasting pity that no trained scientists have visions! " he ended his lengthy reply.
"Do you think they could? '' Agathe was testing him.
Ulrich hesitated for an instant. Then he answered like a believer: "I don't know; maybe it could happen to me! " When he heard him- selfsaying these words he smiled, as ifto mitigate them.
Agathe smiled too; she now seemed to have the answer she had been hankering after, and her face reflected the small moment of letdown that follows the sudden cessation of a tension. Perhaps she now raised an objection only because she wanted to spur her brother on.
"You know," she said, "that I was raised in a very strict convent school. So I have the most scandalous urge to caricature anyone I hear talking about pious ideals. Our teachers wore a habit whose two colors formed a cross, as a sort of enforced reminder of one of the sublimest thoughts we were supposed to have before us all day long; but we never once thought it; we just called the good sisters the cross-spiders, because of the way they looked and their silky way of talking. That's why, while you were reading aloud, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. "
"Do you know what that proves? '' Ulrich exclaimed. "Just that the power for gopd which is somehow present in us eats its way instantly through the walls if it gets locked into solid form, and immediately uses that as a bolt hole to evil! It reminds me of the time I was in the army and upheld throne and altar with my brother officers; never in my life have I heard such loose talk about both as I did in our circle! All emotions refuse to be chained, and some refuse absolutely. I'm convinced your good nuns believed what they preached to you, but faith mustn't ever be more than an hour old! That's the point! "
Although in his haste Ulrich had not expressed himself to his satis- faction, Agathe understood that the faith of those nuns who had taken away the pleasure of faith for her was merely a "bottled" vari- ety, preserved in glass jars, so to speak, in its natural condition and not deprived of any of its qualities of faith but still not fresh; indeed, in some imponderable way it had changed into a different condition from its original one, which now hovered momentarily before this truant and rebellious pupil of holiness as a kind of intimation.
Into the Millennium (The Criminals) · 82 1
This, with everything else they had been saying about morality, was one of the gripping doubts her brother had implanted in her mind, and also part of that inner reawakening she had been feeling ever since, without rightly knowing what it was. For the attitude of indifference she made such a point of displaying outwardly and en- couraging inwardly had not always ruled her life. Something had once happened that had caused her need for self-punishment to spring directly out of a deep depression, which made her appear to herself as unworthy because she believed she had not been granted the ability to keep faith with lofty emotions, and she had despised herself for her heart's sloth ever since.
This episode lay between her life as a young girl in her father's house and her incomprehensible marriage to Hagauer, and was so narrowly circumscribed that even Ulrich, for all his sympathy, had forgotten to ask about it. What had happened is soon told: At the age of eighteen Agathe had married a man only slightly older than her- self, and on a trip that began with their wedding and ended in his death, he was snatched away from her within a few weeks, before they had even had time to think about choosing a place to live, by a fatal disease he had caught on their travels. The doctors called it ty- phus, and Agathe repeated the word after them, finding in it a sem- blance of order, for that was the side of the event polished smooth for the uses of the world; but on the unpolished side, it was different: until then Agathe had lived with her father, whom everyone re- spected, so that she reluctantly regarded herself as to blame for not loving him; and the uncertain waiting at school to become herself, through the mistrust it awakened in her mind, had not helped to sta- bilize her relationship to the world either. Later, on the other hand, when with suddenly aroused vivacity she had united with her child- hood playmate to overcome in a matter of months all the obstacles put in the way of such a youthful marriage (even though their fami- lies had no objections to each other), she had all at once no longer been isolated and had thereby become herself. This could well be called love; but there are lovers who stare at love as into the sun and merely become blinded by it, and there are lovers who seem to dis- cover life for the first time with astonishment when it is illuminated by love. Agathe was one of the latter kind; she had not even had time to find out whether it was her husband she loved or something else,
822 • THE MAN WITH0UT QUALITIES
when something struck that was called, in the language of the unil- luminated world, an infectious disease. With primal suddenness hor- ror irrupted upon them from the alien regions of life-a struggle, a flickering, an extinction; a visitation upon two human beings clinging to each other and the disappearance of an innocent world in vomit- ing, excrement, and fear.
Agathe had never faced up to this event that had annihilated her feelings. Bewildered with despair, she had lain on her knees at the dying man's bedside and persuaded herself that she could conjure up the power that had enabled her as a child to overcome her own ill- ness. When his decline continued nevertheless, and his conscious- ness was already gone, she kept staring into the vacant face, in that hotel room far from home, unable to understand; she had held the dying body in her arms without considering the danger and without considering the realities being attended to by an indignant nurse. She had done nothing but murmur for hours into his fading ear: "You can't, you can't, you can't! " But when it was all over she had stood up in amazement, and without thinking or believing anything in particu- lar, acting simply from a solitary nature's stubbornness and capacity to dream, she had from that moment on inwardly treated this empty astonishment at what had happened as though it were not final. We see the onset of something similar in everyone who cannot bring himself to believe bad news, or finds a way to soften the irrevocable, but Agathe's attitude was unique in the force and extent of this reac- tion, which marked the sudden outburst of her disdain for the world. Since then she had conscientiously assimilated anything new as something less actual than extremely uncertain, an attitude greatly facilitated by the mistrust with which she had always confronted real- ity; the past, on the other hand, was petrified by the blow she had suffered, and eroded by time much more slowly than usually hap- pens with memories. But it had none of the swirl of dreams, the one- sidedness or the skewed sense of proportion that brings the doctor on the scene. On the contrary, Agathe went on living in perfect lucid- ity, quietly virtuous and merely a little bored, slightly inclined to that reluctance about life that was really like the fever she had suffered so willingly as a child. In her memory, which in any case never let its impressions dissolve into generalizations, every hour of what had been and still was fearful remained vivid, like a corpse under a white
Into the Millennium (The Criminals) · 823
sheet; despite all the anguish of remembering so exactly, it made her happy, for it had the effect of a secret, belated indication that all was not yet over, and it preserved in her, despite the decay of her emo- tional life, a vague but high-minded tension. In truth, all it meant was that she had again lost the sense of meaning in her life and had con- sciously put herself in a state of mind that did not suit her years; for only old people live by dwelling on the experiences and achieve- ments of a time that is gone and remain untouched by the present. But at the age Agathe was then, fortunately, while resolves are made for eternity a single year feels like half an eternity, and so it was only to be expected that after a time a repressed nature and a fettered imagination would violently free themselves. The details of how it happened are of no consequence in themselves; a man whose ad- vances would in other circumstances never have succeeded in dis- turbing her equilibrium succeeded, and became her lover, but this attempt at reliving something ended, after a brief period of manic hope, in passionate disenchantment. Agathe now felt herself cast out by both her real life and her unreal life, and unworthy of her own high hopes. She was one ofthose intense people who can keep them- selves motionless and in reserve for a long time, until at some point they suddenly fall prey to total confusion; and so, in her disappoint- ment, she soon took another rash step, which was, in short, to punish herself in a way opposite to the way she had sinned, condemning her- self to share her life with a man who inspired in her a mild aversion. And this man whom she had picked out as a penance was Gottlieb Hagauer.
"It was certainly both unfair to him and inconsiderate," Agathe ad- mitted to herself-and it must be admitted that this was the first time she had ever faced up to it, because fairness and consideration are not virtues in high favor with the young. Still, her self-punish- ment in this marriage was not inconsiderable either, and Agathe now gave it some more thought. She had strayed far from their conversa- tion, and Ulrich, too, was leafing through his books for something and seemed to have forgotten the conversation. "In earlier centu- ries," she thought, "a person in my state of mind would have entered a convent," and the fact that she had got married instead was not without an innocently comical side, which had previously escaped her. This comedy, which she had then been too young to notice, was
824 · THE MAN WITH0UT QUALITIES
simply that of the present day, which satisfies its need for a refuge from the world at worst in some tourist accommodation but usually in an Alpine hotel, and even strives to furnish its prisons tastefully. It expresses the profound European need not to overdo anything. No European any longer scourges himself, smears himself with ashes, cuts out his tongue, really takes part in things or totally withdraws from society, swoons with passion, breaks people on the wheel or im- pales them, but everyone sometimes feels the need to do so, so that it's hard to say which is more to be avoided: wanting to do it or not doing it. Why should an ascetic, ofall people, starve himself? It only gives him disturbing fantasies. A sensible asceticism consists of an aversion to eating while being constantly well nourished. Such an as- ceticism promises longevity and offers the mind a freedom that is unattainable so long as it remains enslaved to the body in passionate rebellion. Such bitterly humorous reflections, which she had learned from her brother, were now doing Agathe a world of good, for they dissected the "tragic"-a rigid beliefthat in her inexperience she had long assumed to be a duty-into irony and a passion that had neither name nor aim, and for that reason alone were not bracketed with what she had experienced previously.
It was in this way above all that she had begun to realize, ever since being with her brother, that something was happening to the great split she had suffered between irresponsible living and a spectral fan- tasy life; there was a movement of release and of recombining what had been released. Now, for instance, in this silence between herself and her brother, which was deepened by the presence of books and memories, she thought ofthe description Ulrich had given her ofhis wandering aimlessly into town, and ofhow the town had entered him as he entered it. It reminded her very exactly ofthe few weeks ofher happiness. And it had also been right for her to laugh, wildly and for no reason, when he told her about it, because it struck her that there was something of this turning of the world inside out, this delicious and funny inversion he was speaking of, even in Hagauer's thick lips when they pursed for a kiss. It made her shudder, of course, but there is a shudder, she thought, even in the bright light of noon, and it made her feel that somehow there was still hope for her. Some mere nothing, some break that had always lain between past and present, had recently vanished. She glanced around covertly. The
Into the Millennium (The Criminals) · 825
room she was in had formed part of the space in which her fate had taken shape: it was the first time since her arrival that this had occurred to her. For it was here that she had met with her childhood friend when her father was out, and they made the great decision to love each other; here, too, she had sometimes received her "un- worthy" suitor, standing at the window hiding tears of rage or des- peration, and here, finally, Hagauer's courting had run its course, with her father's blessing. After having been for so long merely the unnoticed other side ofevents, the furniture and walls, the peculiarly confined light, now became in this moment of recognition strangely tangible, and the quixotic things that had occurred here assumed a physical and completelyunambiguous pastness, as ifthey were ashes or burned charcoal. What remained, and became almost unbearably powerful, was that funny, shadowy sense of things done with-that strange tickling one feels when confronted with old traces, dried to dust, of one's self-which, the moment one feels it, one can neither grasp nor banish.
Agathe made sure that Ulrich was not paying attention, and care- fully opened the top ofher dress, where she kept next to her skin the locket with the tiny picture that she had never taken off through the years. She went to the window and pretended to look out. Cau- tiously, she snapped open the sharp edge of the tiny golden scallop and gazed furtively at her dead love. He had full lips and soft, thick hair, and the cocky expression ofthe twenty-one-year-old flashed out at her from a face still half in its eggshell. For a long time she did not know what she thought, but then suddenly the thought came: "My God, a twenty-one-year-old! "
What do such youngsters talk about with each other? What mean- ing do they give to their concerns? How funny and arrogant they often are! How the intensity of their ideas misleads them about the worth of those ideas! Curious, Agathe unwrapped from the tissue paper of memory some sayings that she-thank goodness for her cleverness-had preserved in it. My God, that was almost worth say- ing, she thought, but she could not really be sure of even that unless she also recalled the garden in which it had been spoken, with the strange flowers whose names she did not know, the butterflies that settled on them like weary drunkards, and the light that flowed over their faces as if heaven and earth were dissolved in it. By that mea-
826 · THE MAN WITH0UT QUALITIES
sure she was today an old, experienced woman, even though not that many years had passed. With some confusion she noted the incon- gruity that she, at twenty-seven, still loved the boy of twenty-one: he had grown much too young for her! She asked herself: "What feel- ings would I have to have if, at my age, this boyish man were really to be the most important thing in the world to me? " They would cer- tainly have been odd feelings, but she was not even able to imagine them clearly. It all dissolved into nothing.
Agathe recognized in a great upsurge offeeling that the one proud passion of her life had been a mistake, and the heart of this error consisted of a fie:ry mist she could neither touch nor grasp, no matter whether one were to say that faith could not live more than an hour, or something else. It was always this that her brother had been talk- ing about since they had been together, and it was always herself he was speaking of, even though he hedged it about in his intellectual fashion and his diplomacy was much too slow for her impatience. They kept coming back to the same conversation, and Agathe herself blazed with desire that his flame should not diminish.
When she now spoke to Ulrich he had not even noticed how long the interruption had lasted. But whoever has not already picked up the clues to what was going on between this brother and sister should lay this account aside, for it depicts an adventure of which he will never be able to approve: a journey to the edge ofthe possible, which led past-and perhaps not always past-the dangers of the impossi- ble and unnatural, even of the repugnant: a "borderline case," as Ul- rich later called it, of limited and special validity, reminiscent of the freedom with which mathematics sometimes resorts to the absurd in order to arrive at the truth. He and Agathe happened upon a path that had much in common with the business of those possessed by God, but they walked it without piety, without believing in God or the soul, nor even in the beyond or in reincarnation. They had come upon it as people ofthis world, and pursued it as such-this was what was remarkable about it. Though at the moment Agathe spoke again Ulrich was still absorbed in his books and the problems they set him, he had not for an instant forgotten their conversation, which had bro- ken off at the moment of her resistance to the devoutness of her teachers and his own insistence on "precise visions," and he immedi- ately answered:
Into the Millennium (The CriminaLs) · 827
"There's no need to be a saint to experience something of the kind! You could be sitting on a fallen tree or a bench in the moun- tains, watching a herd of grazing cows, and experience something amounting to being transported into another life!
Since Agathe did not reply, there was a silence. After a while Ul- rich said: "Anyway, I sometimes think that I can't really stand believ- ing that myself! When I saw you before, standing on the rampart," he added in an undertone, "I suddenly had a wild urge to do some- thing! I don't know why. I really have done some rash things some- times. The magic lay in the fact that when it was over, there was something more besides me. Sometimes I'm inclined to think that a person could be happy even as a result of a crime, because it gives him a certain ballast and perhaps keeps him on a steadier course. "
This time, too, his sister did not answer right away. He looked at her quietly, perhaps even expectantly, but without reexperiencing the surge he had just described, indeed without thinking of anything at all. After a little while, she asked him: 'Would you be angry with me if I committed a crime? ''
'What do you expect me to say to that? '' Ulrich said; he had bent over his knife again.
"Is there no answer? "
"No; nowadays there is no real answer. "
At this point Agathe said: 'Td like to kill Hagauer. "
Ulrich forced himself not to look up. The words had entered his
ear lightly and softly, but when they had passed they left behind something like broad wheel marks in his mind. He had instantly for- gotten her tone; he would have had to see her face to know how to take her words, but he did not want to accord them even that much importance.
"Fine," he said. 'Why shouldn't you? Is there anyone left today who hasn't wanted to do something of the kind? Do it, if you really can! It's just as if you had said: 'I would like to love him for his faults! ' " Now he straightened up again and looked his sister in the face. It was stubborn and swprisingly excited. Keeping his eyes on her, he said slowly:
"There's something wrong here, you see; on this frontier between what goes on inside us and what goes on outside, some kind of com-
Into the Millennium (The Criminals) · 8o7
munication is missing these days, and they adapt to each other only with tremendous losses. One might almost say that our evil desires are the dark side of the life we lead in reality, and the life we lead in reality is the dark side ofour good desires. Imagine ifyou actually did it: it wouldn't at all be what you meant, and you'd be horribly disap- pointed, to say the least. . . . "
"Perhaps I could suddenly be a different person-you admitted that yourself! " Agathe interrupted him.
As Ulrich at this moment looked around, he was reminded that they were not alone; two people were listening to their conversation. The old woman-hardly over forty, perhaps, but her rags and the traces of her humble life made her look older-had sat down socia- bly near the stove, and sitting beside her was the shepherd, who had come home to his hut during their conversation without their notic- ing him, absorbed in themselves as they were. The two old people sat with their hands on their knees and listened, or so it appeared, in wonder and with pride to the conversation that filled their hut, greatly pleased even though they did not understand a single word. They saw that the milk went undrunk, the sausage uneaten; it was all a spectacle and, for all anyone knew, an edifying one. They were not even whispering to each other. Ulrich's glance dipped into their wide-open eyes, and he smiled at them in embarrassment, but of the two only the woman smiled back, while the man maintained his seri- ous, reverential propriety.
"We must eat," Ulrich said to his sister in English. "They're won- dering about us. "
She obediently toyed with some bread and meat, and he for his part ate resolutely and even drank a little of the milk. Meanwhile Agathe went on, aloud and unembarrassed: "The idea of actually hurting him is repugnant to me when I come to think of it. So maybe I don't want to kill him. But I do want to wipe him out! Tear him into little pieces, pound them in a mortar, flush it down the drain; that's what I'd like to do! Root out everything that's happened! "
"This is a funny way for us "to be talking," Ulrich remarked.
Agathe was silent for a while. But then she said: "But you prom- ised me the first day you'd stand by me against Hagauer! "
"Ofcourse I will. But not like that. "
Again she was silent. Then she said suddenly: "If you bought or
8o8 · THE MAN WITH0 UT QUALITIES
rented a car we could drive to my house by way of Iglau and come back the longer way around, through Tabor, I think. It would never occur to anyone that we'd been there in the night. "
"And the servants? Fortunately, I can't drive! " Ulrich laughed, but then he shook his head in annoyance. "Such up-to-date ideas! "
"So you say," Agathe answered. Pensively, she pushed a bit of bacon back and forth on her plate with a fingernail, and it looked as though the fingernail, which had a greasy spot from the bacon, was doing it on its own. "But you've also said that the virtues of society are vices to the saint! "
"But I didn't say that the vices of society are virtues to the saint! " Ulrich pointed out. He laughed, caught hold of Agathe's hand, and cleaned it with his handkerchief.
"You always take everything back! " Agathe scolded him with a dis- satisfied smile, the blood rushing to her face as she tried to free her finger.
The two old people by the stove, still watching exactly as before, now smiled broadly in echo.
'When you talk with me first one way, then another," Agathe said in a low but impassioned voice, "it's as if I were seeing myself in a splintered mirror. With you, one never sees oneself from head to toe! "
"No," Ulrich answered without letting go of her hand. "One never sees oneselfas awhole nowadays, and one never moves as awhole- that's just it! "
Agathe gave in and suddenly stopped withdrawing her hand. ''I'm certainly the opposite of holy," she said softly. "I may have been worse than a kept woman with my indifference. And I'm certainly not spoiling for action, and maybe I'll never be able to kill anyone. But when you first said that about the saint-and it was quite a while ago-it made me see something 'as a whole. ' " She bowed her head, in thought or possibly to hide her face. "I saw a saint-maybe a fig- ure on a fountain. To tell the truth, maybe I didn't see anything at all, but I felt something that has to be expressed this way. The water flowed, and what the saint did also came flowing over the rim, as ifhe were a fountain gently brimming over in all directions. That's how one ought to be, I think; then one would always be doing what was right and yet it wouldn't matter at all what one did. "
Into the Millennium (The Criminals) · Bog
. . Agathe sees herself standing in the world overflowing with holi- ness and trembling for her sins, and sees with incredulity how the snakes and rhinoceroses, mountains and ravines, silent and even smaller than she is, lie down at her feet," he said, gently teasing her. . . But what of Hagauer? "
. . That's just it. He doesn't fit in. He has to go. "
. . Now I have something to tell you," her brother said. . . Every time I've had to take part in anything with other people, something ofgen- uine social concern, I've been like a man who steps outside the thea- ter before the final act for a breath of fresh air, sees the great dark void with all those stars, and walks away, abandoning hat, coat, and play. "
Agathe gave him a searching look. It was and wasn't an adequate answer.
Ulrich met her gaze. . . You, too, are often plagued by a sense that there's always a 'dislike' before there's a 'like,'" he said, and thought: . . Is she really like me? " Again he thought: . . Perhaps the way a pastel resembles a woodcut. " He regarded himself as the more stable. And she was more beautiful than he. Such a pleasing beauty! He shifted his grip from her finger to her whole hand, a wann, long hand full of life, which up to now he had held in his own only long enough for a greeting. His young sister was upset, and while there were no actual tears in her eyes, he saw a moist shimmer there.
. . In a few days you'll be leaving me too," she said, . . and how can I cope with everything then? "
'W e can stay together; you can follow me. "
. . How do you suppose that would work? " Agathe asked, with the little thoughtful furrow on her forehead.
. . 1 don't suppose at all; it's the first I've thought of it. "
He stood up and gave the sheepherders some more money, . . for the carved-up table. "
Through a haze Agathe saw the country folk grinning, bobbing, and saying something about how glad they were, in short, incompre- hensible words. As she went past them, she felt their four hospitable eyes, staring with naked emotion at her face, and realized that she and Ulrich had been taken for lovers who had quarreled and made up.
. . They took us for lovers! " she said. Impetuously she slid her ann
810 · THE MAN WITH0UT QUALITIES
in his, and a wave ofjoy welled up in her. "You must give me a kiss! " she demanded, laughing, and pressed her arm in her brother's as they stood on the threshold of the hut and the low door opened into the darkness ofevening.
11
HOL Y DISCOURSE: BEGINNING
For the rest of Ulrich's stay little more was said about Hagauer; nor for a long time did they again refer to the idea that they should make their reunion permanent and take up life together. Nevertheless, the fire that had flamed up in Agathe's unrestrained desire to do away with her husband still smoldered under the ashes. It spread out in conversations that reached no end and yet burst out again; perhaps one should say: Agathe's feelings were seeking another possibility of burning freely.
She usually began such conversations with a definite, personal question, the inner form of which was: "May I, or may I not . . . ? " The lawlessness of her nature had until now rested on the sad and dispirited principle that 'Tm allowed to do anything, but I don't want to anyway," and so his young sister's questions sometimes seemed to Ulrich, not inappropriately, like the questions of a child, which are as warm as the little hands of these helpless beings.
His own answers were different in kind, though no less character- istic: he always enjoyed sharing the yield of his experience and his reflections, and as was his custom expressed himself in a fashion as frank as it was intellectually enterprising. He always arrived quickly at the "moral of the story" his sister was talking about, summed things up in formulas, liked to use himself for illustration, and managed in this fashion to tell Agathe a great deal about himself, especially about his earlier, more eventful life. Agathe told him noth- ing about herself, but she admired his ability to speak about his own
Into the Millennium (The Criminals) · 8 1 1
life like that, and his way of subjecting every point she raised to moral scrutiny suited her very well. For morality is nothing more than an ordering that embraces both the soul and things, so it is not strange that young people, whose zeal for life has not yet been blunted on every side, talk ~bout it a good deal. But with a man of Ulrich's age and experience some explanation is called for, because men talk of morality only in their working lives, if it happens to be part of their professional jargon; otherwise, the word has been swallowed by the business of living and never manages to regain its freedom. So when Ulrich spoke of morality it was a sign of some profound disorder, which attracted Agathe because it corresponded to something in her- self. She was ashamed, now that she heard what complicated precon- ditions would have to be met, of her naYve proclamation that she intended to live "in complete harmony" with herself, and yet she was impatient for her brother to come more quickly to a conclusion; for it often seemed to her that everything he said brought him closer to it, and with greater precision the further he went, but he always stopped at the last step, just at the threshold, where, every time, he gave up the attempt.
The locus of this deflection and of these last steps-and their par- alyzing effect did not escape Ulrich-can most generally be indi- cated by noting that every proposition in European morality leads to such a point, which one cannot get beyond, so that a person taking stock ofhimselfhas first the gestures ofwading in shallows, as long as he feels firm convictions underfoot, succeeded by the sudden ges- tures of horribly drowning when he goes a little farther, as though the solid ground of life had abruptly fallen off from the shallows into a completely imponderable abyss. This had a particular way of mani- festing itself as well when brother and sister were talking: Ulrich could speak calmly and clearly on any subject he brought up, so long as his reason was involved, and Agathe felt a similar eagerness in lis- tening; but when they stopped and fell silent, a much greater tension came over their faces. And so it happened once that they were car- ried across the frontier they had hitherto unconsciously respected. Ulrich had maintained that "the only basic characteristic of our mo- rality is that its commandments contradict each other. The most moral of all propositions is: The exception proves the rule! " He had apparently been moved to this assertion only by his distaste for a sys-
812 · THE MAN WITHOUT QUALITIES
tern that claims to be unyielding, but in practice must yield to every deflection, which makes it the opposite of a precise procedure that first bases itself on experience and then derives the general law from these observations. He was of course aware of the distinction be- tween natural and moral laws, that the first are derived from observ- ing amoral nature, while the second have to be imposed on less stubborn human nature; but being of the opinion that something about this opposition was today no longer accurate, he had been just about to say that the moral system was intellectually a hundred years behind the times, which was why it was so hard to adapt it to changed conditions. But before he could get that far with his explanation Agathe interrupted him with an answer that seemed very simple, but for the moment took him aback.
"Isn't it good to be good? " she asked her brother, with a gleam in her eye like the one she'd had when she was fiddling with her father's medals, which presumably not everybody would have considered good.
"You're right," he replied eagerly. "One really has to formulate some such proposition ifone wants to feel the original meaning again! But children still like being 'good' as ifit were some tidbit. . . . "
"And being 'bad' as well," Agathe added.
"But does being good have any part in the passions of adults? " Ul- rich asked. "It certainly is part of their principles. Not that they are good-they would regard that as childish-but that their behavior is good. A good person is one who has good principles and who does good things: it's an open secret that he can be quite disgusting as well. "
"See Hagauer," Agathe volunteered.
"There's an absurd paradox inherent in those good people," Ul- rich said. "They turn a condition into an imperative, a state of grace into a norm, a state of being into a purpose! In a whole lifetime this household of good people never serves up anything but leftovers, while keeping up a rumor that these are the scraps from a great feast day that was celebrated once. It's true that from time to time a few virtues come back into fashion, but as soon as that happens they lose their freshness again. "
"Didn't you once say that the same act may be either good or bad, depending on circumstances? " Agathe asked.
Into the Millennium (The Criminals) · 813
Ulrich agreed. That was his theory, that moral values were not ab- solutes but functional concepts. But when we moralize or generalize we separate them out from their natural context: "And that is pre- sumably the point where something goes wrong on the path to virtue. "
"OtheiWise, how could virtuous people be so dreary," Agathe added, "when their intention to be good ought to be the most de- lightful, challenging, and enjoyable thing anyone could imagine! "
Her brother hesitated, but suddenly he let slip a remark that was soon to bring them into a most unusual relationship.
"Our morality," he declared, "is the crystallization of an inner movement that is completely different from it. Not one thing we say is right! Take any statement, like the one that just occurred to me: 'Prison is a place for repentance. ' It's something we can say with the best conscience in the world, but no one takes it literally, because it would mean hellfue for the prisoners! So how is one to take it? Surely few people know what repentance is, but everybody can tell you where it should reign. Or imagine that something is uplifting- how did that ever get to be part of our morals? When did we ever lie with our faces in the dust, so that it was bliss to be uplifted? Or try to imagine literally being seized by an idea-the moment you were to feel such a thing physically you'd have crossed the border into insan- ity! Every word demands to be taken literally, otheiWise it decays into a lie; but one can't take words literally, or the world would turn into a madhouse! Some kind of grand intoxication rises out of this as a dim memory, and one sometimes wonders whether everything we experience may not be fragmented pieces tom from some ancient entity that was once put together wrong.
"
The conversation in which this remark occurred took place in the library-study, and while Ulrich sat over several books he had taken along on his trip, his sister was rummaging through the legal and philosophical books, a bequest ofwhich she was the co-inheritor and out of which she picked the notions that led to her questions. Since their outing the pair had rarely left the house. This was how they spent most of their time. Sometimes they strolled in the garden, where winter had peeled the leaves from the bare shrubbery, expos- ing the earth beneath, swollen with rain. The sight was agonizing. The air was pallid, like something left too long under water. The gar-
814 · THE MAN WITHOUT QUALITIES
den was not large. The paths soon turned back upon themselves. The state of mind induced in both of them by walking on these paths edd- ied in circles, as a rising current does behind a dam. When they re- turned to the house the rooms were dark and sheltered, and the windows resembled deep lighting shafts through which the day ar- rived with all the brittle delicacy of thinnest ivory.
Now, after Ulrich's last, vehement words, Agathe descended from the library ladder on which she had been sitting and put her arms around his shoulders without a word. It was an unaccustomed show of tenderness, for apart from the two kisses, the first on the evening of their first encounter and the other a few days ago when they had set out on their way home from the shepherd's hut, the siblings' nat- ural reserve had released itself in nothing more than words or little acts of attentiveness, and on both those occasions, too, the effect of the intimate contact had been concealed by its unexpectedness and exuberance. But this time Ulrich was instantly reminded of the still- warm garter that his sister had given the deceased as a parting gift instead of a flood of words. The thought shot through his head: "She certainly must have a lover; but she doesn't seem too attached to him, otherwise she wouldn't be staying on here so calmly. " Clearly, she was a woman, who had led her life as a woman independently of him and would go on doing so. His shoulder felt the beauty of her arm from the distribution of its resting weight, and on the side turned toward his sister he had a shadowy sense of the nearness of her blond armpit and the outline of her breast. So as not to go on sitting there in mute surrender to that quiet embrace, he placed his hand over her fingers close to his neck, with this contact drowning out the other.
"You know, it's rather childish, talking the way we do," he said, not without some ill humor. "The world is full of energetic resolution, and here we sit in luxuriant idleness, talking about the sweetness of being good and the theoretical pots we could fill with it. "
Agathe freed her fingers but let her hand go back to its place. 'What's that you've been reading all this time? " she asked.
"You know what it is," he said. "You've been looking at the book behind my back often enough! "
"But I don't know what to make of it. "
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He could not bring himselfto talk about it. Agathe, who had drawn up a chair, was crouching behind him and had simply nestled her face peacefully in his hair as though she were napping. Ulrich was strangely reminded of the moment when his enemy Amheim had thrown an arm around him and the unregulated current of physical contact with another being had invaded him as through a breach. But this time his own nature did not repel the alien one; on the contrary, something in him advanced toward her, something that had been buried under the rubble of mistrust and resentment that fills the heart of a man who has lived a fairly long time. Agathe's relationship to him, which hovered between sister and wife, stranger and friend, without being equatable to any one of them, was not even based on a far-reaching accord between their thoughts or feelings, as he had often told himself, yet it was in complete accord-as he was now al- most astonished to note-with the fact, which had crystallized after relatively few days full of countless impressions not easy to review in a moment, that Agathe's mouth was bedded on his hair with no fur- ther claim, and that his hair was becoming warm and moist from her breath. This was as spiritual as it was physical, for when Agathe re- peated her question Ulrich was overcome with a seriousness such as he had not felt since the credulous days of his youth; and before this cloud of imponderable seriousness fled again, a cloud that extended from the space behind his back to the book before him, on which his thoughts were resting, he had given an answer that astonished him more for the total absence of irony in its tone than for its meaning:
''I'm instructing myself about the ways of the holy life. "
He stood up; not to move away from his sister but in order to be able to see her better from a few steps away.
"You needn't laugh," he said. ''I'm not religious; I'm studying the road to holiness to see ifit might also be possible to drive a car on it! " "I only laughed," she replied, "because I'm so curious to hear what you're going to say. The books you brought along are new to me, but I have a feeling that I would find them not entirely incomprehensi-
ble. "
''You understand that? " her brother asked, already convinced that
she did understand. "One may be caught up in the most intense feel- ing, when suddenly one's eye is seized by the play of some godfor-
816 • THE MAN WITHOUT QUALITIES
saken, man-forsaken thing and one simply can't tear oneself away. Suddenly one feels borne up by its puny existence like a feather float- ing weightlessly and powerlessly on the wind. "
"Except for the intense feeling you make such a point of, I think I know what you mean," Agathe said, and could not help smiling at the almost ferocious glare of embarrassment on her brother's face, not at all in keeping with the tenderness ofhis words. "One sometimes for- gets to see and to hear, and is struck completely dumb. And yet it's precisely in minutes like these that one feels one has come to oneself for a moment. "
"I would say," Ulrich went on eagerly, "that it's like looking out over a wide shimmering sheet ofwater-so bright it seems like dark- ness to the eye, and on the far bank things don't seem to be standing on solid ground but float in the air with a delicately exaggerated dis- tinctness that's almost painful and hallucinatory. The impression one gets is as much ofintensification as ofloss. One feels linked with ev- erything but can't get close to anything. You stand here, and the world stands there, overly subjective and overly objective, but both almost painfully clear, and what separates and unites these normally fused elements is a blazing darkness, an overflowing and extinction, a swinging in and out. You swim like a fish in water or a bird in air, but there's no riverbank and no branch, only this floating! " Ulrich had slipped into poetry, but the fire and firmness of his language stood out in relief against its tender and airy meaning like metal. He seemed to have cast off the caution that usually controlled him, and Agathe looked at him astonished, but also with an uneasy gladness.
"So you think," she asked, "that there's something behind it? More than a 'fit,' or whatever hateful, placating words are used? "
"I should say I do! " He sat down again at his earlier place and leafed through the books that lay there, while Agathe got up to make room for him. Then he opened one ofthem, with the words: "This is how the saints describe it," and read aloud:
"'During those days I was exceeding restless. Now I sat awhile, now I wandered back and forth through the house'. It was like a tor- ment, and yet it can be called more a sweetness than a torment, for there was no vexation in it, only a strange, quite supernatural con- tentment. I had transcended all my faculties and reached the ob- scure power. There I heard without sound, there I saw without light.
Into the Millennium (The Criminals) · 81 7
And my heart became bottomless, my spirit formless, and my nature immaterial. ' "
It seemed to them both that this description resembled the rest- lessness with which they themselves had been driven through house and garden, and Agathe in particular was surprised that the saints also called their hearts bottomless and their spirits formless. But Ul- rich seemed to be caught up again in his irony.
He explained: "The saints say: Once I was imprisoned, then I was drawn out of myself and immersed in God without knowledge. The emperors out hunting, as we read about them in our storybooks, de- scribe it differently: They tell how a stag appeared to them with a cross between its antlers, causing the murderous spear to drop from their hands; and then they built a chapel on the spot so they could get on with their hunting. The rich, clever ladies in whose circles I move will answer immediately, ifyou should ask them about it, that the last artist who painted such experiences was van Gogh. Or perhaps in- stead of a painter they might mention Rilke's poetry, but in general they prefer van Gogh, who is a superb investment and who cut his ear offbecause his painting didn't do enough when measured against the rapture ofthings. But the great majority ofour people will say, on the contrary, that cutting your ear offis not a German way of express- ing deep feelings; a German way is that unmistakable vacuousness of the elevated gaze one experiences on a mountaintop. For them the essence of human sublimity lies in solitude, pretty little flowers, and murmuring little brooks; and yet even in that bovine exaltation, with its undigested delight in nature, there lurks the misunderstood last echo of a mysterious other life. So when all is said and done, there must be something of the sort, or it must have existed at some time! "
"Then you shouldn't make fun of it," Agathe objected, grim with curiosity and radiant with impatience.
"I only make fun of it because I love it," Ulrich said curtly.
BIB
12
HOL Y DISCOURSE: ERRA TIC PROGRESS
In the following days there were always many books on the table, some ofwhich he had brought from home, others that he had bought since, and he would either talk extemporaneously or cite a passage, one ofmany he had marked with little slips ofpaper, to prove a point or quote the exact wording. The books before him were mostly lives of the mystics, their writings, or scholarly works about them, and he usually deflected the conversation from them by saying: "Now let's take a good hard look and see what's really going on here. " This was a cautious attitude he was not prepared to give up easily, and so he said to her once:
"If you could read right through all these accounts that men and women of past centuries have left us, describing their state of divine rapture, you would find much truth and reality in among the printed words, and yet the statements made of these words would go wholly against the grain ofyour present-day mind. " And he went on: "They speak of an overflowing radiance. Of an infinite expanse, a boundless opulence of light. Of an overarching oneness of all things and all the soul's energies. Of an awesome and indescribable uplifting of the heart. Of insights coming so swiftly that it's all simultaneous and like drops of fire falling into the world. And then again they speak of a forgetting and no longer understanding, even of everything falling utterly away. They speak of an immense serenity far removed from all passion. Of growing mute. A vanishing of thoughts and inten- tions. A blindness in which they see clearly, a clarity in which they are dead and supernaturally alive. They call it a shedding of their being, and yet they claim to be more fully alive than ever. Aren't these the same sensations, however veiled by the difficulty of expressing them, still experienced today when the heart-'greedy and gorged,' as they say! -stumbles by chance into those utopian regions situated somewhere and nowhere between infinite tenderness and infinite loneliness? "
Into the Millennium (The Criminals) · 819
As he paused briefly to think, Agathe's voice joined in: "It's what you once called two layers that overlie each other within us. "
"I did? When? "
"When you walked aimlessly into town and felt as though you were dissolving into it, although at the same time you didn't like the place. I told you that this happens to me often. "
"Oh yes! You even said 'Hagauer! '" Ulrich exclaimed. "And we laughed-now I remember. But we didn't really mean it. Anyway, it's not the only time I talked to you about the kind ofvision that gives and the kind that receives, about the male and female principles, the hermaphroditism of the primal imagination and so o n -I can say a lot about these things. As if my mouth were as far away from me as the moon, which is also always on hand for confidential chats in the night! But what these believers have to say about their souls' adven- tures," he went on, mingling the bitterness of his words with objec- tivity and even admiration, "is sometimes written with the force and the ruthless analytic conviction ofa Stendhal. But only"-he limited this-"as long as they stick to the phenomena and their judgment doesn't enter in, which is corrupted by their flattering conviction that they've been singled out by God to have direct experience of Him. For from that moment on, of course, they no longer speak of their perceptions, which are so hard to describe and have no nouns or verbs, but begin to speak in sentences with subject and object, be- cause they believe in their soul and in God as in the two doorposts between which the miraculous will blossom. And so they arrive at these statements about the soul being drawn out of the body and ab- sorbed into the Lord, or say that the Lord penetrates them like a lover. They are caught, engulfed, dazzled, swept away, raped by God, or else their soul opens to Him, enters into Him, tastes of Him, em- braces Him with love and hears Him speak. The earthly model for this is unmistakable, and these descriptions no longer resemble tre- mendous discoveries but rather a series of fairly predictable images with which an erotic poet decks out his subject, about which only one opinion is permissible. For a person like me, anyway, brought up to maintain reserve, these accounts stretch me on the rack, for the elect, even as they assure me that God has spoken to them, or that they have understood the speech of trees and animals, neglect to tell me what it was that was imparted to them; or if they do, it comes out
820 • THE MAN WITH0UT QUALITIES
as purely personal details, or a rehash of the Clerical News. It's an everlasting pity that no trained scientists have visions! " he ended his lengthy reply.
"Do you think they could? '' Agathe was testing him.
Ulrich hesitated for an instant. Then he answered like a believer: "I don't know; maybe it could happen to me! " When he heard him- selfsaying these words he smiled, as ifto mitigate them.
Agathe smiled too; she now seemed to have the answer she had been hankering after, and her face reflected the small moment of letdown that follows the sudden cessation of a tension. Perhaps she now raised an objection only because she wanted to spur her brother on.
"You know," she said, "that I was raised in a very strict convent school. So I have the most scandalous urge to caricature anyone I hear talking about pious ideals. Our teachers wore a habit whose two colors formed a cross, as a sort of enforced reminder of one of the sublimest thoughts we were supposed to have before us all day long; but we never once thought it; we just called the good sisters the cross-spiders, because of the way they looked and their silky way of talking. That's why, while you were reading aloud, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. "
"Do you know what that proves? '' Ulrich exclaimed. "Just that the power for gopd which is somehow present in us eats its way instantly through the walls if it gets locked into solid form, and immediately uses that as a bolt hole to evil! It reminds me of the time I was in the army and upheld throne and altar with my brother officers; never in my life have I heard such loose talk about both as I did in our circle! All emotions refuse to be chained, and some refuse absolutely. I'm convinced your good nuns believed what they preached to you, but faith mustn't ever be more than an hour old! That's the point! "
Although in his haste Ulrich had not expressed himself to his satis- faction, Agathe understood that the faith of those nuns who had taken away the pleasure of faith for her was merely a "bottled" vari- ety, preserved in glass jars, so to speak, in its natural condition and not deprived of any of its qualities of faith but still not fresh; indeed, in some imponderable way it had changed into a different condition from its original one, which now hovered momentarily before this truant and rebellious pupil of holiness as a kind of intimation.
Into the Millennium (The Criminals) · 82 1
This, with everything else they had been saying about morality, was one of the gripping doubts her brother had implanted in her mind, and also part of that inner reawakening she had been feeling ever since, without rightly knowing what it was. For the attitude of indifference she made such a point of displaying outwardly and en- couraging inwardly had not always ruled her life. Something had once happened that had caused her need for self-punishment to spring directly out of a deep depression, which made her appear to herself as unworthy because she believed she had not been granted the ability to keep faith with lofty emotions, and she had despised herself for her heart's sloth ever since.
This episode lay between her life as a young girl in her father's house and her incomprehensible marriage to Hagauer, and was so narrowly circumscribed that even Ulrich, for all his sympathy, had forgotten to ask about it. What had happened is soon told: At the age of eighteen Agathe had married a man only slightly older than her- self, and on a trip that began with their wedding and ended in his death, he was snatched away from her within a few weeks, before they had even had time to think about choosing a place to live, by a fatal disease he had caught on their travels. The doctors called it ty- phus, and Agathe repeated the word after them, finding in it a sem- blance of order, for that was the side of the event polished smooth for the uses of the world; but on the unpolished side, it was different: until then Agathe had lived with her father, whom everyone re- spected, so that she reluctantly regarded herself as to blame for not loving him; and the uncertain waiting at school to become herself, through the mistrust it awakened in her mind, had not helped to sta- bilize her relationship to the world either. Later, on the other hand, when with suddenly aroused vivacity she had united with her child- hood playmate to overcome in a matter of months all the obstacles put in the way of such a youthful marriage (even though their fami- lies had no objections to each other), she had all at once no longer been isolated and had thereby become herself. This could well be called love; but there are lovers who stare at love as into the sun and merely become blinded by it, and there are lovers who seem to dis- cover life for the first time with astonishment when it is illuminated by love. Agathe was one of the latter kind; she had not even had time to find out whether it was her husband she loved or something else,
822 • THE MAN WITH0UT QUALITIES
when something struck that was called, in the language of the unil- luminated world, an infectious disease. With primal suddenness hor- ror irrupted upon them from the alien regions of life-a struggle, a flickering, an extinction; a visitation upon two human beings clinging to each other and the disappearance of an innocent world in vomit- ing, excrement, and fear.
Agathe had never faced up to this event that had annihilated her feelings. Bewildered with despair, she had lain on her knees at the dying man's bedside and persuaded herself that she could conjure up the power that had enabled her as a child to overcome her own ill- ness. When his decline continued nevertheless, and his conscious- ness was already gone, she kept staring into the vacant face, in that hotel room far from home, unable to understand; she had held the dying body in her arms without considering the danger and without considering the realities being attended to by an indignant nurse. She had done nothing but murmur for hours into his fading ear: "You can't, you can't, you can't! " But when it was all over she had stood up in amazement, and without thinking or believing anything in particu- lar, acting simply from a solitary nature's stubbornness and capacity to dream, she had from that moment on inwardly treated this empty astonishment at what had happened as though it were not final. We see the onset of something similar in everyone who cannot bring himself to believe bad news, or finds a way to soften the irrevocable, but Agathe's attitude was unique in the force and extent of this reac- tion, which marked the sudden outburst of her disdain for the world. Since then she had conscientiously assimilated anything new as something less actual than extremely uncertain, an attitude greatly facilitated by the mistrust with which she had always confronted real- ity; the past, on the other hand, was petrified by the blow she had suffered, and eroded by time much more slowly than usually hap- pens with memories. But it had none of the swirl of dreams, the one- sidedness or the skewed sense of proportion that brings the doctor on the scene. On the contrary, Agathe went on living in perfect lucid- ity, quietly virtuous and merely a little bored, slightly inclined to that reluctance about life that was really like the fever she had suffered so willingly as a child. In her memory, which in any case never let its impressions dissolve into generalizations, every hour of what had been and still was fearful remained vivid, like a corpse under a white
Into the Millennium (The Criminals) · 823
sheet; despite all the anguish of remembering so exactly, it made her happy, for it had the effect of a secret, belated indication that all was not yet over, and it preserved in her, despite the decay of her emo- tional life, a vague but high-minded tension. In truth, all it meant was that she had again lost the sense of meaning in her life and had con- sciously put herself in a state of mind that did not suit her years; for only old people live by dwelling on the experiences and achieve- ments of a time that is gone and remain untouched by the present. But at the age Agathe was then, fortunately, while resolves are made for eternity a single year feels like half an eternity, and so it was only to be expected that after a time a repressed nature and a fettered imagination would violently free themselves. The details of how it happened are of no consequence in themselves; a man whose ad- vances would in other circumstances never have succeeded in dis- turbing her equilibrium succeeded, and became her lover, but this attempt at reliving something ended, after a brief period of manic hope, in passionate disenchantment. Agathe now felt herself cast out by both her real life and her unreal life, and unworthy of her own high hopes. She was one ofthose intense people who can keep them- selves motionless and in reserve for a long time, until at some point they suddenly fall prey to total confusion; and so, in her disappoint- ment, she soon took another rash step, which was, in short, to punish herself in a way opposite to the way she had sinned, condemning her- self to share her life with a man who inspired in her a mild aversion. And this man whom she had picked out as a penance was Gottlieb Hagauer.
"It was certainly both unfair to him and inconsiderate," Agathe ad- mitted to herself-and it must be admitted that this was the first time she had ever faced up to it, because fairness and consideration are not virtues in high favor with the young. Still, her self-punish- ment in this marriage was not inconsiderable either, and Agathe now gave it some more thought. She had strayed far from their conversa- tion, and Ulrich, too, was leafing through his books for something and seemed to have forgotten the conversation. "In earlier centu- ries," she thought, "a person in my state of mind would have entered a convent," and the fact that she had got married instead was not without an innocently comical side, which had previously escaped her. This comedy, which she had then been too young to notice, was
824 · THE MAN WITH0UT QUALITIES
simply that of the present day, which satisfies its need for a refuge from the world at worst in some tourist accommodation but usually in an Alpine hotel, and even strives to furnish its prisons tastefully. It expresses the profound European need not to overdo anything. No European any longer scourges himself, smears himself with ashes, cuts out his tongue, really takes part in things or totally withdraws from society, swoons with passion, breaks people on the wheel or im- pales them, but everyone sometimes feels the need to do so, so that it's hard to say which is more to be avoided: wanting to do it or not doing it. Why should an ascetic, ofall people, starve himself? It only gives him disturbing fantasies. A sensible asceticism consists of an aversion to eating while being constantly well nourished. Such an as- ceticism promises longevity and offers the mind a freedom that is unattainable so long as it remains enslaved to the body in passionate rebellion. Such bitterly humorous reflections, which she had learned from her brother, were now doing Agathe a world of good, for they dissected the "tragic"-a rigid beliefthat in her inexperience she had long assumed to be a duty-into irony and a passion that had neither name nor aim, and for that reason alone were not bracketed with what she had experienced previously.
It was in this way above all that she had begun to realize, ever since being with her brother, that something was happening to the great split she had suffered between irresponsible living and a spectral fan- tasy life; there was a movement of release and of recombining what had been released. Now, for instance, in this silence between herself and her brother, which was deepened by the presence of books and memories, she thought ofthe description Ulrich had given her ofhis wandering aimlessly into town, and ofhow the town had entered him as he entered it. It reminded her very exactly ofthe few weeks ofher happiness. And it had also been right for her to laugh, wildly and for no reason, when he told her about it, because it struck her that there was something of this turning of the world inside out, this delicious and funny inversion he was speaking of, even in Hagauer's thick lips when they pursed for a kiss. It made her shudder, of course, but there is a shudder, she thought, even in the bright light of noon, and it made her feel that somehow there was still hope for her. Some mere nothing, some break that had always lain between past and present, had recently vanished. She glanced around covertly. The
Into the Millennium (The Criminals) · 825
room she was in had formed part of the space in which her fate had taken shape: it was the first time since her arrival that this had occurred to her. For it was here that she had met with her childhood friend when her father was out, and they made the great decision to love each other; here, too, she had sometimes received her "un- worthy" suitor, standing at the window hiding tears of rage or des- peration, and here, finally, Hagauer's courting had run its course, with her father's blessing. After having been for so long merely the unnoticed other side ofevents, the furniture and walls, the peculiarly confined light, now became in this moment of recognition strangely tangible, and the quixotic things that had occurred here assumed a physical and completelyunambiguous pastness, as ifthey were ashes or burned charcoal. What remained, and became almost unbearably powerful, was that funny, shadowy sense of things done with-that strange tickling one feels when confronted with old traces, dried to dust, of one's self-which, the moment one feels it, one can neither grasp nor banish.
Agathe made sure that Ulrich was not paying attention, and care- fully opened the top ofher dress, where she kept next to her skin the locket with the tiny picture that she had never taken off through the years. She went to the window and pretended to look out. Cau- tiously, she snapped open the sharp edge of the tiny golden scallop and gazed furtively at her dead love. He had full lips and soft, thick hair, and the cocky expression ofthe twenty-one-year-old flashed out at her from a face still half in its eggshell. For a long time she did not know what she thought, but then suddenly the thought came: "My God, a twenty-one-year-old! "
What do such youngsters talk about with each other? What mean- ing do they give to their concerns? How funny and arrogant they often are! How the intensity of their ideas misleads them about the worth of those ideas! Curious, Agathe unwrapped from the tissue paper of memory some sayings that she-thank goodness for her cleverness-had preserved in it. My God, that was almost worth say- ing, she thought, but she could not really be sure of even that unless she also recalled the garden in which it had been spoken, with the strange flowers whose names she did not know, the butterflies that settled on them like weary drunkards, and the light that flowed over their faces as if heaven and earth were dissolved in it. By that mea-
826 · THE MAN WITH0UT QUALITIES
sure she was today an old, experienced woman, even though not that many years had passed. With some confusion she noted the incon- gruity that she, at twenty-seven, still loved the boy of twenty-one: he had grown much too young for her! She asked herself: "What feel- ings would I have to have if, at my age, this boyish man were really to be the most important thing in the world to me? " They would cer- tainly have been odd feelings, but she was not even able to imagine them clearly. It all dissolved into nothing.
Agathe recognized in a great upsurge offeeling that the one proud passion of her life had been a mistake, and the heart of this error consisted of a fie:ry mist she could neither touch nor grasp, no matter whether one were to say that faith could not live more than an hour, or something else. It was always this that her brother had been talk- ing about since they had been together, and it was always herself he was speaking of, even though he hedged it about in his intellectual fashion and his diplomacy was much too slow for her impatience. They kept coming back to the same conversation, and Agathe herself blazed with desire that his flame should not diminish.
When she now spoke to Ulrich he had not even noticed how long the interruption had lasted. But whoever has not already picked up the clues to what was going on between this brother and sister should lay this account aside, for it depicts an adventure of which he will never be able to approve: a journey to the edge ofthe possible, which led past-and perhaps not always past-the dangers of the impossi- ble and unnatural, even of the repugnant: a "borderline case," as Ul- rich later called it, of limited and special validity, reminiscent of the freedom with which mathematics sometimes resorts to the absurd in order to arrive at the truth. He and Agathe happened upon a path that had much in common with the business of those possessed by God, but they walked it without piety, without believing in God or the soul, nor even in the beyond or in reincarnation. They had come upon it as people ofthis world, and pursued it as such-this was what was remarkable about it. Though at the moment Agathe spoke again Ulrich was still absorbed in his books and the problems they set him, he had not for an instant forgotten their conversation, which had bro- ken off at the moment of her resistance to the devoutness of her teachers and his own insistence on "precise visions," and he immedi- ately answered:
Into the Millennium (The CriminaLs) · 827
"There's no need to be a saint to experience something of the kind! You could be sitting on a fallen tree or a bench in the moun- tains, watching a herd of grazing cows, and experience something amounting to being transported into another life!
