No More Learning

_ Let it be your first chief Care to write well, and your next to
write quick: No more Haste than good Speed.

_An. _ Very well; say to the Master when he dictates, no more Haste than
good Speed.

* * * * *

_A Form of giving Thanks.

PETER, CHRISTIAN. _

_Pe. _ You have oblig'd me, in that you have written to me sometimes. I
thank you for writing to me often. I love you, that you have not thought
much to send me now and then a Letter. I give you Thanks that you have
visited me with frequent Letters. I thank you for loading of me with
Packets of Letters. I thank you heartily that you have now and then
provoked me with Letters. You have oblig'd me very much that you have
honour'd me with your Letters. I am much beholden to you for your most
obliging Letters to me. I take it as a great Favour, that you have not
thought much to write to me.


_The Answer. _

_Ch. _ Indeed I ought to beg Pardon for my Presumption, who dar'd presume
to trouble a Man of so much Business, and so much Learning with my
unlearned Letters. I acknowledge your usual Humanity, who have taken my
Boldness in good Part. I was afraid my Letters had given you some
Offence, that you sent me no Answer. There is no Reason that you should
thank me, it is more than enough for me, if you have taken my Industry
in good Part.

* * * * *

_A Form of asking after News. _

_Pe. _ Is there no News come from our Country? Have you had any News from
our Countrymen? What News? Do you bring any News? Is there any News come
to Town? Is there any News abroad from our Country?


_The Answer. _

_Ch. _ There is much News; but nothing of Truth. News enough indeed; but
nothing certain. A great deal of News; but nothing to be depended upon.
Not a little News; but not much Truth. There is no News come. I have had
no News at all. Something of News; but nothing certain. There are a
great many Reports come to Town; but they are all doubtful. There is a
great deal of Talk; but nothing true, nothing certain. If Lies please, I
have brought you a whole Cart-Load of them. I bring you whole Bushels of
Tales. I bring you as many Lies as a good Ship will carry.

_Pe. _ Then unlade yourself as fast as you can, for fear you should sink,
being so over-freighted.

_Ch. _ I have nothing but what's the Chat of Barbers Shops, Coaches and
Boats.


_Han't you received any Letters. The Form_.

_Pe. _ Have you had no Letters? Have you had any Letters out of your own
Country? Have no Letters been brought to you? Have you receiv'd any
Letters? Have you had any Letters? Have you receiv'd any Letters from
your Friends? Are there no Letters come from _France_?


_The Answer. _

_Ch. _ I have received no Letters. I han't had so much as a Letter. I
han't had the least Bit of a Letter. No Body has sent me any Letter.
There is not the least Word come from any Body. I have received no more
Letters for this long Time, than what you see in my Eye. Indeed I had
rather have Money than Letters. I had rather receive Money than Letters.
I don't matter Letters, so the Money does but come. I had rather be
paid, than be written to.

* * * * *

_I believe so. The Form. _

_Pe. _ I easily believe you. That is not hard to be believ'd. It is a
very easy Thing to believe that. Who would not believe you in that? He
will be very incredulous, that won't believe you in that Matter. In
Truth I do believe you. You will easily make me believe that. I can
believe you without swearing. What you say is very likely. But for all
that, Letters bring some Comfort. I had rather have either of them, than
neither.

* * * * *

_Of Profit. A Form. _

_Ch. _ What signifies Letters without Money? What signifies empty
Letters? What do empty Letters avail? What good do they do, what do they
profit, advantage? To whom are Letters grateful or acceptable without
Money? What Advantage do empty Letters bring? What are idle Letters good
for? What do they do? What use are they of? What are they good for? What
do they bring with them of Moment? What Use are empty Letters of?


_The Answer. _

_Pe. _ They are useful, fit, proper, to wipe your Breech with. They are
good to wipe your Backside with. If you don't know the Use of them, they
are good to wipe your Arse with. To wipe your Breech with. To wipe your
Backside with. They are good to cleanse that Part of the Body that often
fouls itself. They are good to wrap Mackrel in. Good to make up Grocery
Ware in.

* * * * *

_Of wishing well. _

1. _To a Man whose Wife is with Child. _

_Pe. _ What? are our little Friends well? How does your Wife do?

_Ch. _ Very well, I left her with her Mother, and with Child.

_Pe. _ I wish it may be well for you, and her too: To you, because you're
shortly to be a Father, and she a Mother. God be with you. I pray and
desire that it may be prosperous and happy to you both. I pray, I beg of
God that she, having a safe Delivery, may bear a Child worthy of you
both; and may make you a Father of a fine Child. I commend you that you
have shewed yourself to be a Man. I am glad you have prov'd yourself to
be a Man. You have shew'd yourself to be a Gallus, but not _Cybele_'s.
Now you may go, I believe you are a Man.

_Ch. _ You joke upon me, as you are used to do. Well, go on, you may say
what you please to me.

* * * * *

2. _To one coming Home into his own Country. _

_Ch. _ I hear, you have lately been in your own Country.

_Pe. _ I have so, I had been out of it a pretty While. I could not bear
to be out of it long. I could not bear to be out of my Parents Sight any
longer. I thought it long till I enjoy'd my Friends Company.

_Ch. _ You have acted very piously. You are very good Humour'd, to think
of those Matters. We have all a strange Affection for the Country that
hath bred us, and brought us forth.

_As_ Ovid _says_:

_Nescio quâ natale solum dulcedine cunctos
Ducit, et immemores non sinit esse sui. _

Pray tell me how did you find all Things there.

* * * * *

_All Things new. The Form. _

_Pe. _ Nothing but what was new. All Things changed, all Things become
new. See how soon Time changes all human Affairs. Methought I came into
another World. I had scarce been absent ten Years, and yet I admired at
every Thing, as much as _Epimenides_ the Prince of Sleepers, when he
first wak'd out of his Sleep.

_Ch. _ What Story is that? What Fable is that?

_Pe. _ I'll tell you if you are at Leisure.

_Ch. _ There is nothing more pleasant.

_Pe. _ Then order me a Chair and a Cushion.

_Ch. _ That's very well thought on, for you will tell Lyes the better,
sitting at Ease.

_Pe. _ Historians tell us a Story, of one _Epimenides_ a Man of _Crete_,
who taking a Walk alone by himself without the City, being caught in a
hasty Shower of Rain, went for Shelter into a Cave, and there fell
asleep, and slept on for seven and forty Years together.


_I don't believe it. The Form. _

_Ch. _ What a Story you tell? 'Tis incredible. What you say is not very
likely. You tell me a Fiction. I don't think 'tis true. You tell me a
monstrous Story. Are you not asham'd to be guilty of so wicked a Lye?
This is a Fable fit to be put among _Lucian's_ Legends.

_Pe. _ Nay, I tell you what is related by Authors of Credit, unless you
think _Aulus Gellius_ is not an Author of approv'd Credit.

_Ch. _ Nay, whatsoever he has written are Oracles to me.

_Pe. _ Do you think that a Divine dream'd so many Years? For it is
storied that he was a Divine.

_Ch. _ I am with Child to hear.


_The Answer. _

_Pe. _ What is it more than what _Scotus_ and the School-men did
afterwards? But _Epimenides_, he came off pretty well, he came to
himself again at last; but a great many Divines never wake out of their
Dreams.

_Ch. _ Well go on, you do like a Poet; But go on with your Lye.

_Pe. _ _Epimenides_ waking out of his Sleep, goes out of his Cave, and
looks about him, and sees all Things chang'd, the Woods, the Banks, the
Rivers, the Trees, the Fields; and, in short, there was nothing but was
new: He goes to the City, and enquires; he stays there a little While,
but knows no Body, nor did any Body know him: the Men were dress'd after
another Fashion, than what they were before; they had not the same
Countenances; their Speech was alter'd, and their Manners quite
different: Nor do I wonder it was so with _Epimenides_, after so many
Years, when it was almost so with me, when I had been absent but a few
Years.

_Ch. _ But how do your Father and Mother do? Are they living?

_Pe. _ They are both alive and well; but pretty much worn out with old
Age, Diseases, and lastly, with the Calamities of War.

_Ch. _ This is the Comedy of human Life.
This is the inevitable Law of
Destiny.

* * * * *

_Words, Names of Affinity. _

_Pe. _ Will you sup at Home to Day?

_Ch. _ I am to sup abroad: I must go out to Supper.

_Pe. _ With whom?

_Ch. _ With my Father in Law; with my Son in Law; at my Daughter's in
Law; with my Kinsman. They are call'd, _Affines_, Kinsmen, who are
ally'd not by Blood, but Marriage.

_Pe. _ What are the usual Names of Affinity?

_Ch. _ A Husband and Wife are noted Names. _Socer_, Is my Wife's Father.
_Gener_, My Daughter's Husband. _Socrus_, My Wife's Mother. _Nurus_, My
Son's Wife. _Levir_, A Husband's Brother. _Levir_ is call'd by the Wife,
as _Helen_ calls _Hector_, _Levir_, because she was married to _Paris_.
_Fratria_, My Brother's Wife. _Glos_, A Husband's Sister. _Vitricus_, My
Mother's Husband. _Noverca_, My Father's Wife. _Privignus_, The Son of
my Wife or Husband. _Privigna_, The Daughter of either of them.
_Rivalis_, He that loves the same Woman another does. _Pellex_, She that
loves the same Man another does; as _Thraso_ is the Rival of
_Phroedria_, and _Europa_ the _Pellex_ of _Juno_.

* * * * *

_Of inviting to a Feast. _

_Dine with me to Morrow. _

_Pe. _ I give you Thanks, I commend you, I invite you to Supper against
to Morrow, I entreat your Company at Supper to Morrow. I desire you'd
come to Dinner with me to Morrow. I would have your Company at Dinner
to Morrow.


_I fear I can't come. _

_Ch. _ I fear I can't. I am afraid I can't. I will come if I can; but I
am afraid I can't.


_Why? _

_Pe. _ Why can't you? How so? Why so? Wherefore? For what Reason? For
what Cause? What hinders you that you can't.


_I must stay at Home. _

_Ch. _ Indeed I must be at Home at that Time. I must needs be at Home at
Night. I must not be abroad at that Time. I shall not have an
Opportunity to go out any where to Morrow. I must not be absent at
Dinner. I expect some Guests myself upon that Day. Some Friends have
made an Appointment to sup at our House that Night. I have some Guests
to entertain that Night, or else I would come with all my Heart. Unless
it were so, I would not be unwilling to come. If it were not so, I
should not want much entreating. I would make no Excuse if I could come.
If I could come, I would not be ask'd twice. If I could by any Means
come, I would come with a very little, or without any Invitation at all.
If I could, I would obey your Command very readily. It is in vain to ask
one that is not at his own Disposal: And there would be no need to ask
me if I could come: But at present, though I had never so much Mind, I
can't; and it would be altogether unnecessary to ask one that is
willing.

_Pe. _ Then pray let me have your Company the next Day after: However, I
must needs have your Company at Supper the next Day after to Morrow. You
must not deny me your Company four Days hence. You must make no Excuse
as to coming next Thursday.


_I can't promise. _

_Ch. _ I can't promise. I cannot positively promise you. I can't
certainly promise you. I will come when it shall be most convenient for
us both.


_You ought to set the Day. _

_Pe. _ I would have you appoint a Day when you will come to sup with me.
You must assign a Day. You must set the Day. I desire a certain Day may
be prefix'd, prescrib'd, appointed, set; but set a certain Day. I would
have you tell me the Day.


_I would not have you know before Hand. _

_Ch. _ Indeed I don't use to set a Day for my Friends. I am used to set a
Day for those I'm at Law with. I would not have you know before Hand.
I'll take you at unawares. I'll come unexpectedly. I will catch you when
you don't think on me. I shall take you when you don't think on me. I'll
come unlooked for. I'll come upon you before you are aware. I'll come an
uninvited and unexpected Guest.


_I would know before Hand. _

_Pe. _ I would know two Days before Hand. Give me Notice two Days before
you come. Make me acquainted two Days before.

_Ch. _ If you will have me, I'll make a _Sybaritical_ Appointment, that
you may have Time enough to provide afore Hand.

_Pe. _ What Appointment is that?

_Ch. _ The _Sybarites_ invited their Guests against the next Year, that
they might both have Time to be prepar'd.

_Pe. _ Away with the _Sybarites_, and their troublesome Entertainments: I
invite an old Chrony, and not a Courtier.


_You desire to your own Detriment. _

_Ch. _ Indeed 'tis to your Detriment. Indeed 'tis to your own Harm. To
your own Loss. You wish for it. You pray for that to your own
Ill-convenience.

_Pe. _ Why so? Wherefore.

_Ch. _ I'll come provided. I'll come prepar'd. I'll set upon you
accoutred. I'll come furnish'd with a sharp Stomach; do you take Care
that you have enough to satisfy a Vulture. I'll prepare my Belly and
whet my Teeth; do you look to it, to get enough to satisfy a Wolf.

_Pe. _ Come and welcome, I dare you to it. Come on, if you can do any
Thing, do it to your utmost, with all your Might.

_Ch. _ I'll come, but I won't come alone.

_Pe. _ You shall be the more welcome for that; but who will you bring
with you?

_Ch. _ My _Umbra_.

_Pe. _ You can't do otherwise if you come in the Day Time.

_Ch. _ Ay, but I'll bring one _Umbra_ or two that have got Teeth, that
you shan't have invited me for nothing.

_Pe. _ Well, do as you will, so you don't bring any Ghosts along with
you. But if you please explain what is the Meaning of the Word _Umbra_.

_Ch. _ Among the Learned they are call'd _Umbræ_, who being uninvited,
bear another Person, that is invited, Company to a Feast.

_Pe. _ Well, bring such Ghosts along with you as many as you will.

* * * * *

_I promise upon this Condition. _

_Ch. _ Well, I will come, but upon this Condition, that you shall come to
Supper with me the next Day. I will do it upon this Condition that you
shall be my Guest afterwards. Upon that Condition I promise to come to
Supper, that you again shall be my Guest. I promise I will, but upon
these Terms, that you in the like Manner shall be my Guest the next Day.
I promise I will, I give you my Word I will, upon this Consideration,
that you dine with me the next Day.

_Pe. _ Come on, let it be done, let it be so. It shall be as you would
have it. If you command me, I'll do it. I know the _French_ Ambition,
You won't sup with me, but you'll make me Amends for it. And so by this
Means Feasts use to go round. From hence it comes to pass, that it is a
long Time before we have done feasting one with another. By this
Interchangeableness Feasts become reciprocal without End.

_Ch. _ It is the pleasantest Way of Living in the World, if no more
Provision be made, but what is used to be made daily. But, I detain you,
it may be, when you are going some whither.

_Pe. _ Nay, I believe, I do you. But we'll talk more largely and more
freely to Morrow. But we'll divert ourselves to Morrow more plentifully.
In the mean Time take Care of your Health. In the mean Time take Care to
keep yourself in good Health. Farewell till then.

* * * * *

_Whither are you going? The Form. _

_Ch. _ Where are you a going now? Whither are you going so fast? Where
are you a going in such great Haste. Whither go you? What's your Way?

* * * * *

_I go Home. The Form. _

_Pe. _ I go Home. I return Home. I go to see what they are a doing at
Home. I go to call a Doctor. I am going into the Country. I made an
Appointment just at this Time to go to speak with a certain great Man. I
made an Appointment to meet a great Man at this Time.

_Ch. _ Whom?

_Pe. _ Talkative _Curio_.

_Ch. _ I wish you _Mercury_'s Assistance.

_Pe. _ What need of _Mercury_'s Assistance?

_Ch. _ Because you have to do with a Man of Words.

_Pe. _ Then it were more proper to wish the Assistance of the Goddess
_Memoria_.

_Ch. _ Why so?