No More Learning

_Apol. _ But what was his object, father? Was there anything to be got
by jumping on to a pyre, and being converted to cinders?

_Zeus. _ Ah, if you come to that, you must call Empedocles to account
first: _he_ jumped into a crater, in Sicily.

_Apol. _ Poor fellow! he must have been in a sad way. But what was the
inducement in the present case?

_Zeus. _ I'll quote you his own words. He made a speech, explaining his
motives to the public. As far as I remember, he said--but who comes
here in such haste? There must be something wrong: she is crying; some
one has been ill-treating her. Why, it is Philosophy, in a sad way,
calling out to me. Why are you crying, child? and what brings you here,
away from the world? More misdeeds of the ignorant herd? a repetition
of the Socrates and Anytus affair? is that it?

_Phi. _ No, father, nothing of that kind. The common people
have been most polite and respectful; they are my most devout
admirers,--worshippers, I might almost say; not that they understand
much of what I tell them. No; it was those--I don't know what to call
them--but the people who pretend to be on such friendly terms with me,
and are always using my name;--the wretches!

_Zeus. _ Oh, it's the philosophers who have been misbehaving themselves?

_Phi. _ No, no, father; they have been just as badly treated as I have.

_Zeus. _ Then if it is neither the philosophers nor the common people,
who is it that you complain of?

_Phi. _ There are some people who are between the two: they are not
philosophers, and yet they are not like the rest of mankind. They are
got up to look like philosophers; they have the dress, the walk, the
expression; they call me mistress, write philosopher after their names,
and declare themselves my disciples and followers: but they are evil
men, made up of folly and impudence and wickedness; a disgrace to my
name. It was their misconduct that drove me away.

_Zeus. _ Poor child! it is too bad of them. And what have they been
doing to you exactly?

_Phi. _ Judge for yourself whether the provocation was a slight one.
When formerly you looked down upon the world, and saw that it was
filled with iniquity and transgression, and was become the troubled
abode of sin and folly, you had compassion on the frailty of ignorant
mankind, and sent me down to them: you bade me see to it, that
wickedness and violence and brutality should cease from among them; I
was to lift their eyes upwards to the truth, and cause them to live
together in unity. Remember your words on that occasion: 'Behold, my
daughter, the misdeeds of mankind; behold how ignorance has wrought
upon them. I feel compassion for them, and have chosen you from among
all the Gods to heal their ills; for who else should heal them? '

_Zeus. _ I said that, and more. Yes? and how did they receive you at
your first descent? and what is the trouble now?

_Phi. _ My first flight was not directed towards Greece. I thought it
best to begin with the hardest part of my task, which I took to be
the instruction of the barbarians. With the Greeks I anticipated no
difficulty; I had supposed that they would accept my yoke without
hesitation. First, then, I went to the Indians, the mightiest nation
upon earth. I had little trouble in persuading them to descend
from their elephants and follow me. The Brahmins, who dwell between
Oxydracae and the country of the Nechrei, are mine to a man: they live
according to my laws, and are respected by all their neighbours; and
the manner of their death is truly wonderful.

_Zeus. _ Ah, to be sure: the Gymnosophists. I have heard a great deal of
them. Among other things, they ascend gigantic pyres, and sit quietly
burning to death without moving a muscle. However, that is no such
great matter: I saw it done at Olympia only the other day. You would be
there, no doubt,--when that old man burnt himself?

_Phi. _ No, father: I was afraid to go near Olympia, on account of
those hateful men I was telling you of; I saw that numbers of them
were going there, to make their barking clamour heard in the temple,
and to abuse all comers. Accordingly I know nothing of this cremation.
But to continue: after I had left the Brahmins, I went straight to
Ethiopia, and thence to Egypt, where I associated with the priests and
prophets, and taught them of the Gods. Then to Babylon, to instruct
the Chaldaeans and Mages. Next came Scythia, and after Scythia,
Thrace; here Eumolpus and Orpheus were my companions. I sent them on
into Greece before me; Eumolpus, whom I had thoroughly instructed in
theology, was to institute the sacred mysteries, Orpheus to win men by
the power of music. I followed close behind them. On my first arrival,
the Greeks received me without enthusiasm: they did not, however,
wholly reject my advances; by slow degrees I gained over seven men to
be my companions and disciples, and Samos, Ephesus, and Abdera,[7] each
added one to the little company. And then there sprang up--I scarce
know how--the tribe of sophists: men who had but little of my spirit,
yet were not wholly alien to me; a motley Centaur breed, in whom vanity
and wisdom meeting were moulded into one incongruous whole. They
clung not entirely to ignorance, but theirs was not the steady eye
that could meet the gaze of Philosophy; and if at moments my semblance
flashed phantom-like across their dulled vision, they held that in that
dim shadow they had seen all that was to be seen. It was this pride
that nourished the vain, unprofitable science that they mistook for
invincible wisdom; the science of quaint conceits, ingenious paradoxes,
and labyrinthine dilemmas. My followers would have restrained them, and
exposed their errors: but they grew angry, and conspired against them,
and in the end brought them under the power of the law, which condemned
them to drink of hemlock. Doubtless I should have done well to renounce
humanity there and then, and take my flight: but Antisthenes and
Diogenes, and after them Crates, and our friend Menippus, prevailed
upon me to tarry yet a little longer. Would that I had never yielded! I
should have been spared much pain in the sequel.

_Zeus. _ But, my dear, you are merely giving way to your feelings,
instead of telling me what your wrongs were.

_Phi. _ Then hear them, father. There is a vile race upon the earth,
composed for the most part of serfs and menials, creatures whose
occupations have never suffered them to become acquainted with
philosophy; whose earliest years have been spent in the drudgery
of the fields, in learning those base arts for which they are most
fitted--the fuller's trade, the joiner's, the cobbler's--or in carding
wool, that housewives may have ease in their spinning, and the thread
be fit for warp and woof. Thus employed, they knew not in their youth
so much as the name of Philosophy. But they had no sooner reached
manhood, than they perceived the respect paid to my followers; how
men submitted to their blunt speech, valued their advice, deferred to
their judgement, and cowered beneath their censure; all this they saw,
and held that here was a life for a king. The learning, indeed, that
befits a philosopher would have taken them long to acquire, if it was
not utterly out of their reach. On the other hand, their own miserly
handicrafts barely rewarded their toil with a sufficiency. To some,
too, servitude was in itself an oppression: they knew it, in fact,
for the intolerable thing it is. But they bethought them that there
was still one chance left; their sheet-anchor, as sailors say. They
took refuge with my lady Folly, called in the assistance of Boldness,
Ignorance, and Impudence, ever their untiring coadjutors, and provided
themselves with a stock of bran-new invectives; these they have ever
ready on their tongues; 'tis their sole equipment; noble provision, is
it not, for a philosopher? Nothing could be more plausible than the
philosophic disguise they now assume, reminding one of the fabled ass
of Cyme, in Aesop, who clothed himself in a lion's skin, and, stoutly
braying, sought to play the lion's part; the beast, I doubt not, had
his adherents. The externals of philosophy, as you know, are easily
aped: it is a simple matter to assume the cloak and wallet, walk with
a stick, and bawl, and bark, and bray, against all comers. They know
that they are safe; their cloth protects them. Liberty is thus within
their grasp: no need to ask their master's leave; should he attempt
to reclaim them, their sticks are at his service. No more short
commons for them now, no more of crusts whose dryness is mitigated
only by herbs or salt fish: they have choice of meats, drink the best
of wines, and take money where they will, _shearing the sheep_, as
they call it when they levy contributions, in the certainty that many
will give, from respect to their garb or fear of their tongues. They
foresee, of course, that they will be on the same footing as genuine
philosophers; so long as their exterior is conformable, no one is
likely to make critical distinctions. They take care not to risk
exposure: at the first hint of a rational argument, they shout their
opponent down, withdraw into the stronghold of personal abuse, and
flourish their ever-ready cudgels. Question their practice, and you
will hear much of their principles: offer to examine those principles,
and you are referred to their conduct. The city swarms with these
vermin, particularly with those who profess the tenets of Diogenes,
Antisthenes, and Crates. Followers of the Dog, they care little to
excel in the canine virtues; they are neither trusty guardians nor
affectionate, faithful servants: but for noise and greed and thievery
and wantonness, for cringing, fawning cupboard-love,--there, indeed,
they are perfect. Before long you will see every trade at a standstill,
the workmen all at large: for every man of them knows that, whilst he
is bent over his work from morning to night, toiling and drudging for
a starvation wage, idle impostors are living in the midst of plenty,
commanding charity where they will, with no word of thanks to the
giver, and a curse on him that withholds the gift. Surely (he will say
to himself) the golden age is returned, and the heavens shall rain
honey into my mouth.

And would that that were all! But they have other ways of bringing
discredit upon us, besides the baseness of their origin. When beauty
comes within the reach of these grave and reverend gentlemen, they are
guilty of excesses that I will not pollute my lips with mentioning.
They have been known, like Trojan Paris, to seduce the wives of their
own hosts, and to quote the authority of Plato for leaving these fair
converts at the disposal of all their acquaintance; they little knew
the true meaning of that inspired philosopher's community of women. I
will not tire you with a description of their drunken orgies; observe,
however, that these are the men who preach against drunkenness and
adultery and avarice and lewdness. Could any contrast be greater
than that presented by their words and their deeds? They speak their
detestation of flattery: a Gnathonides and a Struthias are less fulsome
than they. They bid men tell the truth: yet their own tongues cannot
move but to utter lies. To hear them, you would say they were at war
with pleasure, and Epicurus their bitterest foe: yet nothing do they do
but for pleasure's sake. Querulous, irritable, passionate as cradled
babes, they are a derision to the beholder; the veriest trifle serves
to move their ire, to bring the purple to their cheeks, ungoverned fury
to their eyes, foam--call it rather venom--to their lips. Preserve me
from their turbid rantings! _Gold I ask not, nor silver; be one penny
all my wealth, to purchase beans withal. And for my drink, a river, a
spring, shall furnish me. _ But presently it turns out that what they
want is not pence, nor shillings, but whole fortunes. He must be a
thriving merchant, whose cargoes will bring him in such profits as
these men suck out of philosophy. They are sufficiently provided at
last, and then off goes the hated uniform: lands and houses are bought,
and soft raiment, and comely pages. Inquire of them now for Crates's
wallet, Antisthenes's cloak, Diogenes's tub: they know nothing of the
matter. When men see these things, they spit in the face of philosophy;
they think that all philosophers are the same, and blame me their
teacher. It is long since I have won over any to my side. I toil like
Penelope at the loom, and one moment undoes all that I have done.
Ignorance and Wickedness watch my unavailing labours, and smile.

_Zeus. _ Really, Philosophy has been shamefully treated. We must take
some measures with these rascals. Let us think what is to be done. The
single stroke of the thunderbolt is too quick a death.

_Apol. _ Father, I have a suggestion to make. By their neglect of the
Muses, these vile quacks have incurred my own resentment as well as
Philosophy's. They are not worthy to die by your hand. Instead, I would
advise your sending Hermes to them, with full authority to punish them
at his discretion. With his forensic experience, he will be at no
loss to distinguish between the true philosopher and the false. The
former will receive merited praise: on the latter he will inflict such
chastisement as the circumstances demand.

_Zeus. _ A sensible proposal. Heracles, you can go too; take Philosophy
with you, and lose no time. Think: this will make your thirteenth
Labour, and a creditable one too, the extermination of these reptiles.

_Hera. _ Rather than meddle with them, I would give the Augean stables a
second clean-out. However, let us be starting, Philosophy.

_Phi. _ If I must, I must.

_Her. _ Yes, come along, and we will polish off a few to-day. --Which
way, Philosophy? You know where they are to be found. Somewhere in
Greece, of course?

_Phi. _ Oh no; the few that there are in Greece are genuine
philosophers. Attic poverty is not at all to the liking of the
impostors; we must look for them in places where gold and silver mines
abound.

_Her. _ Straight to Thrace, then?

_Hera. _ Yes, Thrace, and I will show you the way. I know every inch of
Thrace; I have been there so often. Look here, this is our route.

_Her. _ Yes?

_Hera. _ You see those two magnificent mountains (the big one is Haemus,
and the other Rhodope), and the fertile plain that spreads between
them, running to the very foot of either? Those three grand, rugged
crests that stand out so proudly yonder form as it were a triple
citadel to the city that lies beneath; you can see it now, look.

_Her. _ Superb! A queen among cities; her splendours reach us even here.
And what is the great river that flows so close beneath the walls?

_Hera. _ The Hebrus, and the city was built by Philip. Well, we have
left the clouds behind us now; let us try our fortune on _terra firma_.

_Her. _ Very good; and what comes next? How do we hunt our vermin down?

_Hera. _ Ah, that is where you come in, Mr. Crier: oblige us by crying
them without loss of time.

_Her. _ There is only one objection to that: I do not know what they are
called. What names am I to say, Philosophy? and how shall I describe
them?

_Phi. _ I am not sure of their names, as I have never come into contact
with them. To judge from their grasping propensities, however, you
can hardly go wrong with Cteso, Ctesippus, Ctesicles, Euctemon,
Polyctetus[8].

_Her. _ To be sure. But who are these men? They seem to be looking for
something too. Why, they are coming up to speak to us.

_Innkeeper and Masters. _ Excuse us, madam, and gentlemen, but have
you come across a company of three rascals conducting a woman--a very
masculine-looking female, with hair cut short in the Spartan fashion?

_Phi. _ Ha! the very people we are looking for!

_Masters. _ Indeed, madam? But these are three runaway slaves. The woman
was kidnapped by them, and we want to get her back.

_Her. _ _Our_ business with them I will tell you afterwards. For the
present, let us make a joint proclamation.

Disappeared.
A Paphlagonian slave, formerly of Sinope. Any person
giving information as to his whereabouts will be rewarded; the amount
of the reward to be fixed by the informant. Description. Name: begins
with CTE. Complexion: sallow. Hair: close-cropped, with long beard.

Dress: a coarse cloak with wallet. Temper: bad. Education: none. Voice:
harsh. Manner: offensive.

_First Master. _ Why, what is all this about? His name used to be
Cantharus when he was with me. He had long hair, and no beard, and was
apprenticed to my trade; I am a fuller, and he was in my shop, dressing
cloth.

_Phi. _ Yes, it is the same; but he has dressed to some purpose this
time, and has become a philosopher.

_First Master. _ Cantharus a philosopher! I like that. And where do I
come in?

_Second and Third Masters. _ Oh well, we shall get them all now. This
lady knows all about them, it seems.

_Phi. _ Heracles, who is this comely person with a lyre?

_Hera. _ It is Orpheus. I was on the Argo with him. He was the best of
boatswains; it was quite a pleasure to row to his singing. Welcome, my
musical friend: you have not forgotten Heracles, I hope?

_Or. _ And welcome to all of you, Philosophy, Heracles, Hermes. I should
like my reward, please: I can lay my finger on your man.

_Her. _ Then show us the way. It is useless, of course, to offer gold to
the gifted son of Calliope?

_Or. _ Oh, quite. --I will show you the house, but not the man. His
tongue might avenge him; scurrility is his strong point.

_Her. _ Lead on.

_Or. _ It is this house close by. And now I shall leave you; I have no
wish to set eyes on him.

_Her. _ Hush! Was that a woman's voice, reciting Homer?

_Phi. _ It was. Let us listen.

_Innkeeper's Wife. _ More than the gates of Hell I hate that man
Who, loving gold, cloaketh his love with lies.

_Her. _ At that rate, madam, you will have to quarrel with Cantharus:

He with his kindly host hath dealt amiss.

_Innkeeper. _ That's me. I took him in, and he ran away with my wife.

_Innk. Wife. _ Wine-witted knave, deer-hearted and dog-eyed,
Thersites, babbler loose, that nought availest
In council, nought in arms; most valiant daw,
That with thine aimless chatter chidest kings,--

_First Master. _ My rascal to a T.

_Innk. Wife. _ The dog in thee--for thou art dog and goat
And lion--doth a blasting fury breathe.

_Innkeeper. _ Wife, wife! the dogs have been too many for you; ay, and
for your virtue, so men say.

_Her. _ Hope for the best; some little Cerberus or Geryon shall call you
father, and Heracles have employment again. --Ah, no need to knock: here
they come.

_First Master. _ Ha, Cantharus, have I got you? What, nothing to say for
yourself? Let us see what you have in that wallet; beans, no doubt, or
a crust of bread.

_Her. _ Bread, indeed! Gold, a purseful of it!

_Hera. _ That need not surprise you. In Greece, you see, he was a
Cynic, but here he is all for golden Chrysippus. Next you will see him
dangling, Cleanthes-like[9], by his beard, and serve the dirty fellow
right.

_Second Master. _ Ha, you rascal there, am I mistaken, or are you my
lost Lecythio? Lecythio it is. What a figure! Lecythio a philosopher!
I'll believe anything after this.

_Her. _ Does none of you know anything about this other?

_Third Master. _ Oh yes, he is mine; but he may go hang for me.

_Her. _ And why is that?

_Third Master. _ Ah, he's a sadly leaky vessel, is Rosolio, as we used
to call him.

_Her. _ Gracious Heracles! did you hear that? Rosolio with wallet and
stick! --Friend, here is your wife again.

_Innkeeper. _ Thank you for nothing. I'll have no woman brought to bed
of an old book in my house.

_Her. _ How am I to understand that?

_Innkeeper. _ Why, the Three-headed Dog is a book, master?

_Her. _ Ay, and so was the Man with the Three Hats, for that matter.

_Masters. _ We leave the rest to you, sir.

_Her. _ This is my judgement. Let the woman return beneath her husband's
roof, or many-headed monsters will come of it. These two truant
sparks I hand over to their owners: let them follow their trades as
heretofore; Lecythio wash clothes, and Rosolio patch them;--not,
however, before his back has felt the mallow-stalk. And for Cantharus,
first let the men of pitch take him, and plaster him without mercy;
and be their pitch the vilest procurable. Then let him be led forth to
stand upon the snowy slopes of Haemus, naked and fettered.

_Can. _ Mercy! have mercy on me! Ah me! I am undone!

_First Master. _ So tragic? Come, follow me to the plasterers; and off
with that lion's-skin, lest you be taken for other than an ass.

F.

FOOTNOTES:

[7] Pythagoras, Heraclitus, Democritus.

[8] _Ctesis_ is Greek for 'gain. '

[9] See _Cleanthes_ in Notes.




SATURNALIA


_Cronus. His Priest_

_Pr. _ Cronus, you are in authority just now, I understand; to you our
sacrifices and ceremonies are directed; now, what can I make surest of
getting if I ask it of you at this holy season?

_Cro. _ You had better make up your own mind what to pray for, unless
you expect your ruler to be a _clairvoyant_ and know what you would
like to ask. Then, I will do my best not to disappoint you.

_Pr. _ Oh, I have done that long ago. No originality about it; the
usual thing, please,--wealth, plenty of gold, landed proprietorship, a
train of slaves, gay soft raiment, silver, ivory, in fact everything
that is worth anything. Best of Cronuses, give me some of these; your
priest should profit by your rule, and not be the one man who has to go
without all his life.

_Cro. _ Of course! _ultra vires_; these are not mine to give. So do not
sulk at being refused; ask Zeus for them; he will be in authority again
soon enough. Mine is a limited monarchy, you see. To begin with, it
only lasts a week; that over, I am a private person, just a man in the
street. Secondly, during my week the serious is barred; no business
allowed. Drinking and being drunk, noise and games and dice, appointing
of kings and feasting of slaves, singing naked, clapping of tremulous
hands, an occasional ducking of corked faces in icy water,--such are
the functions over which I preside. But the great things, wealth and
gold and such, Zeus distributes as he will.

_Pr. _ He is not very free with them, though, Cronus. I am tired of
asking for them, as I do at the top of my voice. He never listens; he
shakes his aegis, gets the thunderbolt ready for action, puts on a
stern look, and scares you out of worrying him. He does consent now
and then, and make a man rich; but his selection is most casual; he
will pass over the good and sensible, and set fools and knaves up to
the lips in wealth, gaol-birds or debauchees most of them. But I want
to know what are the things _you_ can do.

_Cro. _ Oh, they are not to be sneezed at; it does not come to so very
little, if you make allowance for my general limitations. Perhaps you
think it a trifle always to win at dice, and be able to count on the
sice when the ace is the best the others can throw? Anyhow, there are
plenty who get as much as they can eat just because the die likes them
and does what it can for them. Others you may see naked, swimming for
their lives; and what was the reef that wrecked them, pray? that little
die. Or again, to enjoy your wine, to sing the best song at table, at
the slaves' feast to see the other waiters[1] ducked for incompetence,
while you are acclaimed victor and carry off the sausage prize,--is all
that nothing? Or you find yourself absolute monarch by favour of the
knucklebone, can have no ridiculous commands[10] laid on you, and can
lay them on the rest: one must shout out a libel on himself, another
dance naked, or pick up the flute-girl and carry her thrice round the
house; how is that for a sample of my open-handedness? If you complain
that the sovereignty is not real nor lasting, that is unreasonable of
you; you see that I, the giver of it, have a short-lived tenure myself.
Well, anything that is in my power--draughts, monarchy, song, and the
rest I have mentioned--you can ask, and welcome; _I_ will not scare you
with aegis and thunderbolt.

_Pr. _ Most kind Titan, such gifts I require not of you. Give me the
answer that was my first desire, and then count yourself to have repaid
my sacrifice sufficiently; you shall have my receipt in full.

_Cro. _ Put your question. An answer you shall have, if my knowledge is
equal to it.

_Pr. _ First, then, is the common story true? used you to eat the
children Rhea bore you? and did she steal away Zeus, and give you
a stone to swallow for a baby? did he when he grew to manhood make
victorious war upon you and drive you from your kingdom, bind and cast
you into Tartarus, you and all the powers that ranged themselves with
you?

_Cro. _ Fellow, were it any but this festive season, when 'tis lawful to
be drunken, and slaves have licence to revile their lords, the reward
for thy question, for this thy rudeness to a grey-haired aged God, had
been the knowledge that wrath is yet permitted me.

_Pr. _ It is not _my_ story, you know, Cronus; it is Homer's and
Hesiod's; I might say, only I don't quite like to, that it is the
belief of the generality.

_Cro. _ That conceited shepherd[11]? you do not suppose he knew anything
worth knowing about me? Why, think. Is a man conceivable--let alone a
God--who would devour his own children? --wittingly, I mean; of course
he might be a Thyestes and have a wicked brother; that is different.
However, even granting that, I ask you whether he could help knowing he
had a stone in his mouth instead of a baby; I envy him his teeth, that
is all. The fact is, there was no war, and Zeus did not depose me; I
voluntarily abdicated and retired from the cares of office. That I am
not in fetters or in Tartarus you can see for yourself, or you must be
as blind as Homer.

_Pr. _ But what possessed you to abdicate?

_Cro. _ Well, the long and short of it is, as I grew old and gouty--that
last, by the way, accounts for the fetters of the story--I found the
men of these latter days getting out of hand; I had to be for ever
running up and down swinging the thunderbolt and blasting perjurers,
temple-robbers, oppressors; I could get no peace; younger blood was
wanted. So I had the happy thought of abdicating in Zeus's favour.
Independently of that, I thought it a good thing to divide up my
authority--I had sons to take it on--and to have a pleasant easy
time, free of all the petition business and the embarrassment of
contradictory prayers, no thundering or lightening to do, no lamentable
necessity for sending discharges of hail. None of that now; I am on the
shelf, and I like it, sipping neat nectar and talking over old times
with Iapetus and the others that were boys with me. And He is king,
and has troubles by the thousand. But it occurred to me to reserve
these few days for the employments I have mentioned; during them I
resume my authority, that men may remember what life was like in my
days, when all things grew without sowing or ploughing of theirs--no
ears of corn, but loaves complete and meat ready cooked--, when wine
flowed in rivers, and there were fountains of milk and honey; all men
were good and all men were gold. Such is the purpose of this my brief
reign; therefore the merry noise on every side, the song and the games;
therefore the slave and the free as one. When I was king, slavery was
not.