No More Learning

I
joyfully embraced the proposal; and in this manner the night was passed
in a most comfortable way, till at length the company began to think of
returning. The ladies seemed very unwilling to part with my daughters,
for whom they had conceived a particular affection, and joined in a
request to have the pleasure of their company home. The squire seconded
the proposal, and my wife added her entreaties; the girls, too, looked
upon me as if they wished to go. In this perplexity I made two or three
excuses, which my daughters as readily removed; so that at last I was
obliged to give a peremptory refusal; for which we had nothing but
sullen looks and short answers for the whole day ensuing.




_CHAPTER X. _

_The family endeavour to cope with their betters. —The
miseries of the poor when they attempt to appear above
their circumstances. _


I now began to find that all my long and painful lectures upon
temperance, simplicity, and contentment, were entirely disregarded. The
distinctions lately paid us by our betters awakened that pride which I
had laid asleep, but not removed. Our windows again, as formerly, were
filled with washes for the neck and face. The sun was dreaded as an
enemy to the skin without doors, and the fire as a spoiler of the
complexion within. My wife observed, that rising too early would hurt
her daughters' eyes, that working after dinner would redden their noses,
and she convinced me that the hands never looked so white as when they
did nothing. Instead, therefore, of finishing George's shirts, we now
had them new-modelling their old gauzes, or flourishing upon catgut. The
poor Miss Flamboroughs, their former gay companions, were cast off as
mean acquaintance, and the whole conversation now ran upon high life and
high-lived company, with pictures, taste, Shakespeare, and the musical
glasses.

But we could have borne all this had not a fortune-telling gipsy come to
raise us into perfect sublimity. The tawny sybil no sooner appeared than
my girls came running to me for a shilling a-piece to cross her hand
with silver. To say the truth, I was tired of being always wise, and
could not help gratifying their request, because I loved to see them
happy. I gave each of them a shilling; though, for the honour of the
family, it must be observed that they never went without money
themselves, as my wife always generously let them have a guinea each to
keep in their pockets, but with strict injunctions never to change it.
After they had been closeted up with the fortune-teller for some time, I
knew by their looks, upon their returning, that they had been promised
something great. "Well, my girls, how have you sped? Tell me, Livy, has
the fortune-teller given thee a pennyworth? " "I protest, papa," says the
girl, "I believe she deals with somebody that's not right; for she
positively declared that I am to be married to a squire in less than a
twelvemonth! " "Well, now, Sophy, my child," said I, "and what sort of a
husband are you to have? " "Sir," replied she, "I am to have a lord soon
after my sister has married the squire. " "How! " cried I, "is that all
you are to have for your two shillings? Only a lord and a squire for two
shillings? You fools, I could have promised you a prince and a nabob for
half the money. "

This curiosity of theirs, however, was attended with very serious
effects: we now began to think ourselves designed by the stars to
something exalted, and already anticipated our future grandeur.

It has been a thousand times observed, and I must observe it once more,
that the hours we pass with happy prospects in view are more pleasing
than those crowned with fruition. In the first case, we cook the dish to
our own appetite; in the latter, nature cooks it for us. It is
impossible to repeat the train of agreeable reveries we called up for
our entertainment. We looked upon our fortunes as once more rising; and
as the whole parish asserted that the squire was in love with my
daughter, she was actually so with him; for they persuaded her into the
passion. In this agreeable interval my wife had the most lucky dreams in
the world, which she took care to tell us every morning with great
solemnity and exactness. It was one night a coffin and cross-bones, the
sign of an approaching wedding; at another time she imagined her
daughters' pockets filled with farthings, a certain sign that they would
shortly be stuffed with gold. The girls themselves had their omens: they
felt strange kisses on their lips; they saw rings in the candle; purses
bounced from the fire; and true-love knots lurked in the bottom of every
tea-cup.

Towards the end of the week we received a card from the town ladies, in
which, with their compliments, they hoped to see all our family at
church the Sunday following. All Saturday morning I could perceive, in
consequence of this, my wife and daughters in close conference together,
and now and then glancing at me with looks that betrayed a latent plot.
To be sincere, I had strong suspicions that some absurd proposal was
preparing for appearing with splendour the next day. In the evening they
began their operations in a very regular manner, and my wife undertook
to conduct the siege. After tea, when I seemed in spirits, she began
thus: "I fancy, Charles, my dear, we shall have a great deal of good
company at our church to-morrow. " "Perhaps we may, my dear," returned I;
"though you need be under no uneasiness about that—you shall have a
sermon whether there be or not. " "That is what I expect," returned she;
"but I think, my dear, we ought to appear there as decently as possible,
for who knows what may happen? " "Your precautions," replied I, "are
highly commendable. A decent behaviour and appearance at church is what
charms me. We should be devout and humble, cheerful and serene. " "Yes,"
cried she, "I know that; but I mean we should go there in as proper a
manner as possible; not altogether like the scrubs about us. " "You are
quite right, my dear," returned I, "and I was going to make the very
same proposal. The proper manner of going is, to go there as early as
possible, to have time for meditation before the service begins. " "Phoo!
Charles," interrupted she, "all that is very true, but not what I would
be at. I mean, we should go there genteelly. You know the church is two
miles off, and I protest I don't like to see my daughters trudging up to
their pew all blowzed and red with walking, and looking for all the
world as if they had been winners at a smock-race. Now, my dear, my
proposal is this—there are our two plough-horses, the colt that has been
in our family these nine years, and his companion Blackberry, that has
scarcely done an earthly thing for this month past; they are both grown
fat and lazy: why should they not do something as well as we? And let me
tell you, when Moses has trimmed them a little they will cut a very
tolerable figure. "

To this proposal I objected that walking would be twenty times more
genteel than such a paltry conveyance, as Blackberry was wall-eyed, and
the colt wanted a tail; that they had never been broke to the rein, but
had a hundred vicious tricks; and that we had but one saddle and pillion
in the whole house. All these objections, however, were overruled; so
that I was obliged to comply. The next morning I perceived them not a
little busy in collecting such materials as might be necessary for the
expedition; but, as I found it would be a work of time, I walked on to
the church before, and they promised speedily to follow. I waited near
an hour in the reading desk for their arrival; but, not finding them
come as was expected, I was obliged to begin, and went through the
service, not without some uneasiness at finding them absent.

[Illustration:

"_But a thing of this kind, madam," cried she, addressing
my spouse, "requires a thorough examination into characters,
and a more perfect knowledge of each other. _"—_p. _ 46.
]


This was increased when all was finished, and no appearance of the
family. I therefore walked back by the horse-way, which was five miles
round, though the footway was but two; and when I got about half way
home, perceived the procession marching slowly forward towards the
church—my son, my wife, and the two little ones exalted upon one horse,
and my two daughters upon the other. I demanded the cause of their
delay; but I soon found by their looks they had met with a thousand
misfortunes on the road. The horses had at first refused to move from
the door, till Mr. Burchell was kind enough to beat them forward for
about two hundred yards with his cudgel. Next the straps of my wife's
pillion broke down, and they were obliged to stop to repair them before
they could proceed. After that, one of the horses took it into his head
to stand still, and neither blows nor entreaties could prevail with him
to proceed. They were just recovering from this dismal situation when I
found them; but perceiving everything safe, I own their present
mortification did not much displease me, as it would give me many
opportunities of future triumph, and teach my daughters more humility.




_CHAPTER XI. _

_The family still resolve to hold up their heads. _


Michaelmas-Eve happening on the next day, we were invited to burn nuts
and play tricks at neighbour Flamborough's. Our late mortifications had
humbled us a little, or it is probable we might have rejected such an
invitation with contempt: however, we suffered ourselves to be happy.
Our honest neighbour's goose and dumplings were fine; and the
lamb's-wool, even in the opinion of my wife, who was a connoisseur, was
excellent. It is true, his manner of telling stories was not quite so
well. They were very long and very dull, and all about himself, and we
had laughed at them ten times before; however, we were kind enough to
laugh at them once more.

Mr. Burchell, who was of the party, was always fond of seeing some
innocent amusement going forward, and set the boys and girls to
blindman's buff. My wife too was persuaded to join in the diversion, and
it gave me pleasure to think that she was not yet too old. In the
meantime, my neighbour and I looked on, laughed at every feat, and
praised our own dexterity when we were young. Hot cockles succeeded
next, questions and commands followed that, and, last of all, they sat
down to hunt the slipper. As every person may not be acquainted with
this primeval pastime, it may be necessary to observe, that the company
at this play plant themselves in a ring upon the ground, all except one
who stands in the middle, whose business it is to catch a shoe which the
company shove about under their hams from one to another, something like
a weaver's shuttle. As it is impossible, in this case, for the lady who
is up to face all the company at once, the great beauty of the play lies
in hitting her a thump with the heel of the shoe on that side least
capable of making a defence. It was in this manner that my eldest
daughter was hemmed in, and thumped about, all blowzed, in spirits, and
bawling for fair play with a voice that might deafen a ballad-singer,
when, confusion on confusion! who should enter the room but our two
great acquaintances from town, Lady Blarney and Miss Carolina Wilhelmina
Amelia Skeggs! Description would but beggar, therefore it is unnecessary
to describe this new mortification. —Death! to be seen by ladies of such
high breeding in such vulgar attitudes! Nothing better could ensue from
such a vulgar play of Mr. Flamborough's proposing. We seemed stuck to
the ground for some time, as if actually petrified with amazement.

The two ladies had been at our house to see us, and finding us from
home, came after us hither, as they were uneasy to know what accident
could have kept us from church the day before. Olivia undertook to be
our prolocutor, and delivered the whole in a summary way, only saying,
"We were thrown from our horses. " At which account the ladies were
greatly concerned; but being told the family received no hurt, they were
extremely glad; but being informed that we were almost killed with
fright, they were vastly sorry; but hearing that we had a very good
night, they were extremely glad again. Nothing could exceed their
complaisance to my daughters: their professions the last evening were
warm, but now they were ardent. They protested a desire of having a more
lasting acquaintance. Lady Blarney was particularly attached to Olivia;
Miss Carolina Wilhelmina Amelia Skeggs (I love to give the whole name)
took a greater fancy to her sister. They supported the conversation
between themselves, while my daughters sat silent, admiring their
exalted breeding. But as every reader, however beggarly himself, is fond
of high-lived dialogues, with anecdotes of lords, ladies, and knights of
the garter, I must beg leave to give him the concluding part of the
present conversation.

"All that I know of the matter," cried Miss Skeggs, "is this, that it
may be true, or it may not be true: but this I can assure your ladyship,
that the whole rout was in amaze; his lordship turned all manner of
colours, my lady fell into a swoon; but Sir Tomkyn, drawing his sword,
swore he was hers to the last drop of his blood. "

"Well," replied our peeress, "this I can say, that the duchess never
told me a syllable of the matter, and I believe her grace would keep
nothing a secret from me. This you may depend upon as fact, that the
next morning my lord duke cried out three times to his valet-de-chambre,
'Jernigan! Jernigan! Jernigan! bring me my garters. '"

But previously I should have mentioned the very impolite behaviour of
Mr. Burchell, who, during this discourse, sat with his face turned to
the fire, and at the conclusion of every sentence would cry out _Fudge! _
an expression which displeased us all, and in some measure damped the
rising spirit of the conversation.

"Besides, my dear Skeggs," continued our peeress, "there is nothing of
this in the copy of verses that Dr. Burdock made upon the
occasion. "—_Fudge! _

"I am surprised at that," cried Miss Skeggs; "for he seldom leaves
anything out, as he writes only for his own amusement. But can your
ladyship favour me with a sight of them? "—_Fudge! _

"My dear creature," replied our peeress, "do you think I carry such
things about me? Though they are very fine to be sure, and I think
myself something of a judge: at least I know what pleases myself.
Indeed, I was ever an admirer of all Dr. Burdock's little pieces; for
except what he does, and our dear countess at Hanover-square, there's
nothing comes out but the most lowest stuff in nature; not a bit of high
life among them. "—_Fudge! _

"Your ladyship should except," says t'other, "your own things in the
'Lady's Magazine. ' I hope you'll say there's nothing low-lived there!
But I suppose we are to have no more from that quarter? "—_Fudge! _

"Why, my dear," says the lady, "you know my reader and companion has
left me to be married to Captain Roach, and as my poor eyes won't suffer
me to write myself, I have been for some time looking out for another. A
proper person is no easy matter to find, and to be sure thirty pounds a
year is a small stipend for a well-bred girl of character that can read,
write, and behave in company; as for the chits about town, there is no
bearing them about one. "—_Fudge! _

"That I know," cried Miss Skeggs, "by experience; for of the three
companions I had this last half-year, one of them refused to do plain
work an hour in a day; another thought twenty-five guineas a year too
small a salary; and I was obliged to send away the third, because I
suspected an intrigue with the chaplain. Virtue, my dear Lady Blarney,
virtue is worth any price; but where is that to be found? "—_Fudge! _

[Illustration:

"_We had at last the satisfaction of seeing
him mounted upon the colt, with a deal box
before him to bring home groceries in. _"—_p. _ 48.
]


My wife had been for a long time all attention to this discourse, but
was particularly struck with the latter part of it. Thirty pounds and
twenty-five guineas a year, made fifty-six pounds five shillings English
money; all which was in a manner going a begging, and might easily be
secured in the family. She for a moment studied my looks of approbation;
and, to own the truth, I was of opinion that two such places would fit
our two daughters exactly. Besides, if the squire had any real affection
for my eldest daughter, this would be the way to make her every way
qualified for her fortune. My wife, therefore, was resolved that we
should not be deprived of such advantages for want of assurance, and
undertook to harangue for the family. "I hope," cried she, "your
ladyship will pardon my present presumption. It is true, we have no
right to pretend to such favours, but yet it is natural for me to wish
putting my children forward in the world. And I will be bold to say, my
two girls have had a pretty good education, and capacity; at least the
country can't show better. They can read, write, and cast accounts; they
understand their needle, broad-stitch, cross, and change, and all manner
of plain work; they can pink, point, and frill; and know something of
music; they can do up small clothes and work upon catgut; my eldest can
cut paper, and my youngest has a very pretty manner of telling fortunes
upon the cards? "—_Fudge! _

When she had delivered this pretty piece of eloquence, the two ladies
looked at each other a few minutes in silence, with an air of doubt and
importance. At last Miss Carolina Wilhelmina Amelia Skeggs condescended
to observe, that the young ladies, from the opinion she could form of
them from so slight an acquaintance, seemed very fit for such
employments: "but a thing of this kind, madam," cried she, addressing my
spouse, "requires a thorough examination into characters, and a more
perfect knowledge of each other. Not, madam," continued she, "that I in
the least suspect the young ladies' virtue, prudence, and discretion;
but there is a form in these things, madam; there is a form. "—_Fudge! _

My wife approved her suspicions very much, observing that she was very
apt to be suspicious herself; but referred her to all the neighbours for
a character; but this our peeress declined as unnecessary, alleging that
her cousin Thornhill's recommendation would be sufficient, and upon this
we rested our petition.




_CHAPTER XII. _

_Fortune seems resolved to humble the family of
Wakefield. —Mortifications are often more painful than real calamities. _


When we returned home, the night was dedicated to schemes of future
conquest. Deborah exerted much sagacity in conjecturing which of the two
girls was likely to have the best place and most opportunities of seeing
good company. The only obstacle to our preferment was in obtaining the
squire's recommendation; but he had already shown us too many instances
of his friendship to doubt of it now. Even in bed my wife kept up the
usual theme. "Well, faith, my dear Charles, between ourselves, I think
we have made an excellent day's work of it. " "Pretty well," cried I, not
knowing what to say. "What, only pretty well! " returned she, "I think it
is very well. Suppose the girls should come to make acquaintance of
taste in town? This I am assured of, that London is the only place in
the world for all manner of husbands. Besides, my dear, stranger things
happen every day; and as ladies of quality are so taken with my
daughters, what will not men of quality be? _Entre nous_, I protest I
like my Lady Blarney vastly: so very obliging. However, Miss Carolina
Wilhelmina Amelia Skeggs has my warm heart. But yet, when they came to
talk of places in town, you saw at once how I nailed them. Tell me, my
dear, don't you think I did for my children there? " "Ay," returned I,
not knowing well what to think of the matter; "Heaven grant they may be
both the better for it this day three months! " This was one of those
observations I usually made to impress my wife with an opinion of my
sagacity; for if the girls succeeded, then it was a pious wish
fulfilled; but if anything unfortunate ensued, then it might be looked
upon as a prophecy. All this conversation, however, was only preparatory
to another scheme, and indeed I dreaded as much. This was nothing less
than that, as we were now to hold up our heads a little higher in the
world, it would be proper to sell the colt, which was grown old, at a
neighbouring fair, and buy us a horse that would carry single or double
upon an occasion, and make a pretty appearance at church or upon a
visit. This at first I opposed stoutly, but it was as stoutly defended.
However, as I weakened, my antagonists gained strength, till at last it
was resolved to part with him.

As the fair happened on the following day, I had intentions of going
myself; but my wife persuaded me that I had got a cold, and nothing
could prevail upon her to permit me from home. "No, my dear," said she,
"our son Moses is a discreet boy, and can buy and sell to very good
advantage; you know all our great bargains are of his purchasing. He
always stands out and higgles, and actually tires them till he gets a
bargain. "

As I had some opinion of my son's prudence, I was willing enough to
entrust him with this commission; and the next morning I perceived his
sisters mighty busy in fitting out Moses for the fair; trimming his
hair, brushing his buckles, and cocking his hat with pins. The business
of the toilet being over, we had at last the satisfaction of seeing him
mounted upon the colt, with a deal box before him to bring home
groceries in. He had on a coat made of that cloth called
thunder-and-lightning, which, though grown too short, was much too good
to be thrown away. His waistcoat was of gosling green, and his sisters
had tied his hair with a broad black riband. We all followed him several
paces from the door, bawling after him, "Good luck! good luck! " till we
could see him no longer.

He was scarcely gone, when Mr. Thornhill's butler came to congratulate
us upon our good fortune, saying that he overheard his young master
mention our names with great commendation.

Good fortune seemed resolved not to come alone. Another footman from the
same family followed, with a card for my daughters, importing that the
two ladies had received such pleasing accounts from Mr. Thornhill of us
all, that after a few previous inquiries they hoped to be perfectly
satisfied. "Ay," cried my wife, "I now see it is no easy matter to get
into the families of the great, but when one once gets in, then, as
Moses says, one may go to sleep. " To this piece of humour, for she
intended it for wit, my daughters assented with a loud laugh of
pleasure. In short, such was her satisfaction at this message, that she
actually put her hand in her pocket, and gave the messenger
sevenpence-halfpenny.

This was to be our visiting day. The next that came was Mr. Burchell,
who had been at the fair. He brought my little ones a pennyworth of
gingerbread each, which my wife undertook to keep for them, and give
them by letters at a time. He brought my daughters also a couple of
boxes, in which they might keep wafers, snuff, patches, or even money,
when they got it. My wife was usually fond of a weasel-skin purse, as
being the most lucky; but this by the bye. We had still a regard for Mr.
Burchell, though his late rude behaviour was in some measure
displeasing; nor could we now avoid communicating our happiness to him,
and asking his advice: although we seldom followed advice, we were all
ready enough to ask it. When he read the note from the two ladies he
shook his head, and observed that an affair of this sort demanded the
utmost circumspection. This air of diffidence highly displeased my wife.
"I never doubted, sir," cried she, "your readiness to be against my
daughters and me. You have more circumspection than is wanted. However,
I fancy when we come to ask advice, we shall apply to persons who seem
to have made use of it themselves. " "Whatever my conduct may have been,
madam," replied he, "is not the present question; though, as I have made
no use of advice myself, I should in conscience give it to those that
will. " As I was apprehensive this answer might draw on a repartee,
making up by abuse what it wanted in wit, I changed the subject, by
seeming to wonder what could keep our son so long at the fair, as it was
now almost nightfall. "Never mind our son," cried my wife; "depend upon
it he knows what he is about; I'll warrant we'll never see him sell his
hen on a rainy day. I have seen him buy such bargains as would amaze
one. I'll tell you a good story about that, that will make you split
your sides with laughing. But, as I live, yonder comes Moses, without a
horse, and the box at his back. "

[Illustration:

"_You need be under no uneasiness," cried I,
"about selling the rims, for they are not worth
sixpence, for I perceive they are only
copper varnished over. _"—_p. _ 50.
]

As she spoke, Moses came slowly on foot, and sweating under the deal
box, which he had strapped round his shoulders like a pedlar. "Welcome!
welcome, Moses! Well, my boy, what have you brought us from the fair? "
"I have brought you myself," cried Moses, with a sly look, and resting
the box on the dresser. "Ay, Moses," cried my wife, "that we know, but
where is the horse? " "I have sold him," cried Moses, "for three pounds
five shillings and twopence. " "Well done! my good boy," returned she; "I
knew you would touch them off. Between ourselves, three pounds five
shillings and twopence is no bad day's work. Come, let us have it then. "
"I have brought back no money," cried Moses again, "I have laid it all
out in a bargain, and here it is," pulling out a bundle from his breast;
"here they are: a gross of green spectacles, with silver rims and
shagreen cases. " "A gross of green spectacles! " repeated my wife, in a
faint voice. "And you have parted with the colt, and brought us back
nothing but a gross of green paltry spectacles! " "Dear mother," cried
the boy, "why won't you listen to reason? I had them a dead bargain, or
I should not have bought them. The silver rims alone will sell for
double the money. " "A fig for the silver rims! " cried my wife in a
passion: "I dare swear they won't sell for above half the money at the
rate of broken silver, five shillings an ounce. " "You need be under no
uneasiness," cried I, "about selling the rims, for they are not worth
sixpence, for I perceive they are only copper varnished over. " "What! "
cried my wife, "not silver! the rims not silver! " "No," cried I, "no
more silver than your saucepan. "And so," returned she, "we have parted
with the colt, and have only got a gross of green spectacles, with
copper rims and shagreen cases! A murrain take such trumpery! The
blockhead has been imposed upon, and should have known his company
better! " "There, my dear," cried I, "you are wrong; he should not have
known them at all. " "Marry, hang the idiot! " returned she, "to bring me
such stuff; if I had them I would throw them in the fire. " "There again
you are wrong, my dear," cried I, "for though they be copper, we will
keep them by us, as copper spectacles, you know, are better than
nothing. "

By this time the unfortunate Moses was undeceived. He now saw that he
had indeed been imposed upon by a prowling sharper, who, observing his
figure, had marked him for an easy prey. I therefore asked him the
circumstances of his deception. He sold the horse, it seems, and walked
the fair in search of another. A reverend-looking man brought him to a
tent, under pretence of having one to sell. "Here," continued Moses, "we
met another man, very well dressed, who desired to borrow twenty pounds
upon these, saying that he wanted money, and would dispose of them for a
third of their value. The first gentleman, who pretended to be my
friend, whispered me to buy them, and cautioned me not to let so good an
offer pass. I sent for Mr. Flamborough, and they talked him up as finely
as they did me; and so at last we were persuaded to buy the two gross
between us. "




_CHAPTER XIII. _

_Mr. Burchell is found to be an enemy; for he has the confidence to give
disagreeable advice. _


Our family had now made several attempts to be fine; but some unforeseen
disaster demolished each as soon as projected. I endeavoured to take the
advantage of every disappointment to improve their good sense, in
proportion as they were frustrated in ambition. "You see, my children,"
cried I, "how little is to be got by attempts to impose upon the world,
in coping with our betters. Such as are poor, and will associate with
none but the rich, are hated by those they avoid, and despised by those
they follow. Unequal combinations are always disadvantageous to the
weaker side; the rich having the pleasure, the poor the inconveniences,
that result from them. But come, Dick, my boy, repeat the fable you were
reading to-day, for the good of the company. "

"Once upon a time," cried the child, "a giant and a dwarf were friends,
and kept together. They made a bargain that they never would forsake
each other, but go seek adventures. The first battle they fought was
with two Saracens; and the dwarf, who was very courageous, dealt one of
the champions a most angry blow. It did the Saracen but very little
injury, who, lifting up his sword, fairly struck off the poor dwarf's
arm. He was now in a woful plight; but the giant, coming to his
assistance, in a short time left the two Saracens dead on the plain, and
the dwarf cut off the dead man's head out of spite. They then travelled
on to another adventure. This was against three bloody-minded satyrs,
who were carrying away a damsel in distress. The dwarf was not quite so
fierce now as before, but for all that struck the first blow, which was
returned by another that knocked out his eye; but the giant was soon up
with them, and, had they not fled, would certainly have killed them
every one. They were all very joyful for this victory, and the damsel
who was relieved fell in love with the giant, and married him. They now
travelled far, and farther than I can tell, till they met with a company
of robbers. The giant, for the first time, was foremost now; but the
dwarf was not far behind. The battle was stout and long. Wherever the
giant came all fell before him; but the dwarf had like to have been
killed more than once. At last the victory declared for the two
adventurers; but the dwarf lost his leg. The dwarf had now lost an arm,
a leg, and an eye, while the giant was without a single wound. Upon
which he cried out to his little companion, 'My little hero, this is
glorious sport; let us get one victory more, and then we shall have
honour for ever. ' 'No,' cries the dwarf, who by this time was grown
wiser, 'no; I declare off; I'll fight no more, for I find, in every
battle, that you get all the honour and rewards, but all the blows fall
upon me. '"

I was going to moralise upon this fable, when our attention was called
off to a warm dispute between my wife and Mr. Burchell, upon my
daughters' intended expedition to town. My wife very strenuously
insisted upon the advantages that would result from it. Mr. Burchell, on
the contrary, dissuaded her with great ardour, and I stood neuter. His
present dissuasions seemed but the second part of those which were
received with so ill a grace in the morning. The dispute grew high,
while poor Deborah, instead of reasoning stronger, talked louder, and
was at last obliged to take shelter from a defeat in clamour. The
conclusion of her harangue, however, was highly displeasing to us all:
she knew, she said, of some who had their secret reasons for what they
advised; but for her part, she wished such to stay away from her house
for the future.

[Illustration:

_"No," cries the dwarf, who by this time was grown wiser,
"no; I declare off; I'll fight no more. "_—_p. _ 52.
]


"Madam," cried Burchell, with looks of great composure, which tended to
inflame her the more, "as for secret reasons, you are right; I have
secret reasons which I forbear to mention, because you are not able to
answer those of which I make no secret. But I find my visits here are
become troublesome; I'll take my leave therefore now, and perhaps come
once more to take a final farewell when I am quitting the country. " Thus
saying, he took up his hat; nor could the attempts of Sophia, whose
looks seemed to upbraid his precipitancy, prevent his going.

When gone, we all regarded each other for some minutes with confusion.
My wife, who knew herself to be the cause, strove to hide her concern
with a forced smile and an air of assurance, which I was willing to
reprove. "How, woman! " cried I to her, "is it thus we treat strangers?
Is it thus we return their kindness? Be assured, my dear, that these
were the harshest words, and to me the most unpleasing, that ever
escaped your lips! " "Why would he provoke me then? " replied she; "but I
know the motives of his advice perfectly well. He would prevent my girls
going to town, that he may have the pleasure of my youngest daughter's
company here at home. But whatever happens, she shall choose better
company than such low-lived fellows as he. " "Low-lived, my dear, do you
call him? " cried I; "it is very possible we may mistake this man's
character; for he seems, upon some occasions, the most finished
gentleman I ever knew. Tell me, Sophia, my girl, has he ever given you
any secret instances of his attachment? " "His conversation with me,
sir," replied my daughter, "has ever been sensible, modest, and
pleasing. As to aught else, no; never. Once indeed I remember to have
heard him say, he never knew a woman who could find merit in a man that
seemed poor. " "Such, my dear," cried I, "is the common cant of all the
unfortunate or idle. But I hope you have been taught to judge properly
of such men, and that it would be even madness to expect happiness from
one who has been so very bad an economist of his own. Your mother and I
have now better prospects for you. The next winter, which you will
probably spend in town, will give you opportunities of making a more
prudent choice. "

What Sophia's reflections were upon this occasion I cannot pretend to
determine; but I was not displeased at the bottom that we were rid of a
guest from whom I had much to fear. Our breach of hospitality went to my
conscience a little; but I quickly silenced that monitor by two or three
specious reasons, which served to satisfy and reconcile me to myself.
The pain which conscience gives the man who has already done wrong is
soon got over. Conscience is a coward, and those faults it has not
strength enough to prevent, it seldom has justice enough to accuse.




_CHAPTER XIV. _

_Fresh mortifications, or a demonstration
that seeming calamities may be real blessings. _


The journey of my daughters to town was now resolved upon, Mr. Thornhill
having kindly promised to inspect their conduct himself, and inform us
by letter of their behaviour. But it was thought indispensably necessary
that their appearance should equal the greatness of their expectations,
which could not be done without expense. We debated, therefore, in full
council, what were the easiest methods of raising money; or, more
properly speaking, what we could most conveniently sell. The
deliberation was soon finished. It was found that our remaining horse
was utterly useless for the plough without his companion, and equally
unfit for the road, as wanting an eye: it was therefore determined that
we should dispose of him, for the purpose above mentioned, at the
neighbouring fair; and, to prevent imposition, that I should go with him
myself. Though this was one of the first mercantile transactions of my
life, yet I had no doubt of acquitting myself with reputation. The
opinion a man forms of his own prudence is measured by that of the
company he keeps, and as mine was mostly in the family way, I had
conceived no unfavourable sentiments of my worldly wisdom. My wife,
however, next morning at parting, after I had got some paces from the
door, called me back, to advise me, in a whisper, to have all my eyes
about me.

I had, in the usual forms, when I came to the fair, put my horse through
all his paces, but for some time had no bidders. At last a chapman
approached, and, after he had for a good while examined the horse round,
finding him blind of one eye, he would have nothing to say to him; a
second came up, but observing he had a spavin, declared he would not
have him for the driving home; a third perceived he had a windgall, and
would bid no money; a fourth knew by his eye that he had the bots; a
fifth wondered what the plague I could do at the fair with a blind,
spavined, galled hack, that was only fit to be cut up for a dog-kennel.
By this time I began to have a most hearty contempt for the poor animal
myself, and was almost ashamed at the approach of every customer; for
though I did not entirely believe all the fellows told me, yet I
reflected that the number of witnesses was a strong presumption that
they were right; and St. Gregory, upon good works, professes himself to
be of the same opinion.

I was in this mortifying situation, when a brother clergyman, an old
acquaintance, who had also business at the fair, came up, and shaking me
by the hand, proposed adjourning to a public-house, and taking a glass
of whatever we could get. I readily closed with the offer, and entering
an alehouse, we were shown into a little back room, where there was only
a venerable old man, who sat wholly intent over a very large book which
he was reading. I never in my life saw a figure that prepossessed me
more favourably. His locks of silver grey venerably shaded his temples,
and his green old age seemed to be the result of health and benevolence.
However, his presence did not interrupt our conversation: my friend and
I discoursed on the various turns of fortune we had met; the Whistonian
controversy, my last pamphlet, the archdeacon's reply, and the hard
measure that was dealt me. But our attention was in a short time taken
off by the appearance of a youth, who, entering the room, respectfully
said something softly to the old stranger. "Make no apologies, my
child," said the old man: "to do good is a duty we owe to all our
fellow-creatures: take this. I wish it were more; but five pounds will
relieve your distress, and you are welcome. " The modest youth shed tears
of gratitude, and yet his gratitude was scarcely equal to mine. I could
have hugged the good old man in my arms, his benevolence pleased me so.
He continued to read, and we resumed our conversation, until my
companion, after some time, recollecting that he had business to
transact in the fair, promised to be soon back; adding that he always
desired to have as much of Dr. Primrose's company as possible. The old
gentleman, hearing my name mentioned, seemed to look at me with
attention for some time, and when my friend was gone, most respectfully
demanded if I was any way related to the great Primrose, that courageous
monogamist, who had been the bulwark of the Church. Never did my heart
feel sincerer rapture than at that moment. "Sir," cried I, "the applause
of so good a man as I am sure you are adds to that happiness in my
breast which your benevolence has already excited. You behold before
you, sir, that Dr. Primrose, the monogamist, whom you have been pleased
to call great. You here see that unfortunate divine, who has so long,
and it would ill become me to say successfully, fought against the
deuterogamy of the age. " "Sir," cried the stranger, struck with awe, "I
fear I have been too familiar; but you'll forgive my curiosity, sir; I
beg pardon. "

[Illustration:

"_But, sir, I ask pardon, I am straying
from the question. _"—_p. _ 58.
]

"Sir," cried I, grasping his hand, "you are so far from displeasing me
by your familiarity, that I must beg you'll accept my friendship, as you
already have my esteem. " "Then with gratitude I accept the offer," cried
he, squeezing me by the hand, "thou glorious pillar of unshaken
orthodoxy. And do I behold—" I here interrupted what he was going to
say; for though, as an author, I could digest no small share of
flattery, yet now my modesty would permit no more. However, no lovers in
romance ever cemented a more instantaneous friendship. We talked upon
several subjects. At first I thought him rather devout than learned, and
began to think he despised all human doctrines as dross. Yet this no way
lessened him in my esteem; for I had for some time begun privately to
harbour such an opinion myself. I therefore took occasion to observe,
that the world in general began to be blamably indifferent as to
doctrinal matters, and followed human speculations too much. "Ay, sir,"
replied he, as if he had reserved all his learning to that moment, "ay,
sir, the world is in its dotage; and yet the cosmogony or creation of
the world has puzzled philosophers of all ages. What a medley of
opinions have they not broached upon the creation of the world!
Sanchoniathon, Manetho, Berosus, and Ocellus Lucanus, have all attempted
it in vain. The latter has these words, _Anarchon ara kai atelutaion to
pan_, which imply that all things have neither beginning nor end.
Manetho also, who lived about the time of Nebuchadon-Asser,—Asser being
a Syriac word usually applied as a surname to the kings of that country,
as Teglet Phael-Asser; Nabon-Asser,—he, I say, formed a conjecture
equally absurd; for as we usually say, _ek to biblion kubernetes_, which
implies that books will never teach the world, so he attempted to
investigate——But, sir, I ask pardon, I am straying from the question. "

That he actually was; nor could I for my life see how the creation of
the world had anything to do with the business I was talking of; but it
was sufficient to show me that he was a man of letters, and I now
reverenced him the more. I was resolved therefore to bring him to the
touchstone; but he was too gentle to contend for victory. Whenever I
made any observation that looked like a challenge to controversy, he
would smile, shake his head, and say nothing; by which I understood he
could say much if he thought proper. The subject, therefore, insensibly
changed from the business of antiquity to that which brought us both to
the fair: mine, I told him, was to sell a horse; and, very luckily
indeed, his was to buy one for one of his tenants. My horse was soon
produced, and in fine we struck a bargain. Nothing now remained but to
pay me, and he accordingly pulled out a thirty-pound note, and bade me
change it. Not being in a capacity of complying with his demand, he
ordered his footman to be called up, who made his appearance in a very
genteel livery. "Here, Abraham," cried he, "go and get gold for this;
you'll do it at neighbour Jackson's, or anywhere. " While the fellow was
gone, he entertained me with a pathetic harangue on the great scarcity
of silver, which I undertook to improve by deploring also the great
scarcity of gold; so that, by the time Abraham returned, we had both
agreed that money was never so hard to be come at as now. Abraham
returned to inform us, that he had been over the whole fair and could
not get change, though he had offered half-a-crown for doing it. This
was a very great disappointment to us all; but the old gentlemen having
paused a little, asked me if I knew one Solomon Flamborough in my part
of the country; upon replying that he was my next-door neighbour, "If
that be the case then," returned he, "I believe we shall deal. You shall
have a draft upon him, payable at sight; and let me tell you, he is as
warm a man as any within five miles round him. Honest Solomon and I have
been acquainted for many years together. I remember I always beat him at
three jumps; but he could hop upon one leg further than I. " A draft upon
my neighbour was to me the same as money; I was sufficiently convinced
of his ability. The draft was signed and put into my hands, and Mr.
Jenkinson, the old gentleman, his man Abraham, and my horse, old
Blackberry, trotted off very well pleased with each other.

After a short interval, being left to reflection, I began to recollect
that I had done wrong in taking a draft from a stranger, and so
prudently resolved upon following the purchaser, and having back my
horse. But this was now too late; I therefore made directly homewards,
resolving to get the draft changed into money at my friend's as fast as
possible. I found my honest neighbour smoking his pipe at his own door;
and informing him that I had a small bill upon him, he read it twice
over. "You can read the name, I suppose," cried I—"Ephraim Jenkinson. "
"Yes," returned he, "the name is written plain enough, and I know the
gentleman too, the greatest rascal under the canopy of heaven. This is
the very same rogue who sold us the spectacles. Was he not a
venerable-looking man, with grey hair, and no flaps to his pocket-holes?
and did he not talk a long string of learning about Greek, cosmogony,
and the world? " To this I replied with a groan. "Ay," continued he, "he
has but that one piece of learning in the world, and he always talks it
away whenever he finds a scholar in company: but I know the rogue, and
will catch him yet. "

Though I was already sufficiently mortified, my greatest struggle was to
come, in facing my wife and daughters. No truant was ever more afraid of
returning to school, there to behold the master's visage, than I was of
going home. I was determined, however, to anticipate their fury, by
first falling into a passion myself.

But, alas! upon entering, I found the family no way disposed for battle.
My wife and girls were all in tears, Mr. Thornhill having been there
that day to inform them that their journey to town was entirely over.