No More Learning

Well, to shew I am in
charity, she shall not pray for me. Come back, Pug. But did I ever
think thou couldst have been so unkind to have parted with me?
[_Cries. _

_Aldo. _ Look you, daughter, see how nature works in him.

_Limb. _ I'll settle two hundred a-year upon thee, because thou said'st
thou would'st pray for me.

_Aldo. _ Before George, son Limberham, you will spoil all, if you
underbid so. Come, down with your dust, man: What, shew a base mind,
when a fair lady's in question!

_Limb. _ Well, if I must give three hundred--

_Trick. _ No, it is no matter; my thoughts are on a better place.

_Aldo. _ Come, there is no better place than little London. You shall
not part for a trifle. What, son Limberham! four hundred a year is a
square sum, and you shall give it.

_Limb. _ It is a round sum indeed; I wish a three-cornered sum would
have served her turn. --Why should you be so pervicacious now, Pug?
Pray take three hundred. Nay, rather than part, Pug, it shall be so. --
[_She frowns. _]

_Aldo. _ It shall be so, it shall be so: Come, now buss, and seal the
bargain.

_Trick. _ [_Kissing him. _] You see what a good natured fool I am, Mr
Limberham, to come back into a wicked world, for love of you. --You
will see the writings drawn, father?

_Aldo. _ Ay; and pay the lawyer too. Why, this is as it should be! I'll
be at the charge of the reconciling supper. --[_To her aside. _]
Daughter, my son Woodall is waiting for you. --Come away, son Limberham
to the temple.

_Limb. _ With all my heart, while she is in a good humour: It would
cost me another hundred, if I should stay till Pug were in wrath
again. Adieu, sweet Pug. --[_Exeunt_ ALDO, _and_ LIMB. ]

_Trick. _ That he should be so silly to imagine I would go into a
nunnery! it is likely; I have much nun's flesh about me. But here
comes my gentleman.

_Enter_ WOODALL, _not seeing her. _

_Wood. _ Now the wife's returned, and the daughter too, and I have seen
them both, and am more distracted than before: I would enjoy all, and
have not yet determined with which I should begin. It is but a kind of
clergy-covetousness in me, to desire so many; if I stand gaping after
pluralities, one of them is in danger to be made a _sine cure_--[_Sees
her. _] O, fortune has determined for me. It is just here, as it is in
the world; the mistress will be served before the wife.

_Trick. _ How now, sir, are you rehearsing your _lingua Franca_ by
yourself, that you walk so pensively?

_Wood. _ No faith, madam, I was thinking of the fair lady, who, at
parting, bespoke so cunningly of me all my essences.

_Trick. _ But there are other beauties in the house; and I should be
impatient of a rival: for I am apt to be partial to myself, and think
I deserve to be preferred before them.

_Wood. _ Your beauty will allow of no competition; and I am sure my
love could make none.

_Trick. _ Yes, you have seen Mrs Brainsick; she's a beauty.

_Wood. _ You mean, I suppose, the peaking creature, the married woman,
with a sideling look, as if one cheek carried more bias than the
other?

_Trick. _ Yes, and with a high nose, as visible as a land-mark.

_Wood. _ With one cheek blue, the other red; just like the covering of
Lambeth Palace.

_Trick. _ Nay, but her legs, if you could see them--

_Wood. _ She was so foolish to wear short petticoats, and show them.
They are pillars, gross enough to support a larger building; of the
Tuscan order, by my troth.

_Trick. _ And her little head, upon that long neck, shows like a
traitor's skull upon a pole. Then, for her wit--

_Wood. _ She can have none: There's not room enough for a thought to
play in.

_Trick. _ I think indeed I may safely trust you with such charms; and
you have pleased me with your description of her.

_Wood. _ I wish you would give me leave to please you better. But you
transact as gravely with me as a Spaniard; and are losing love, as he
does Flanders: you consider and demur, when the monarch is up in arms,
and at your gates[6].

_Trick. _ But to yield upon the first summons, ere you have laid a
formal siege--To-morrow may prove a luckier day to you.

_Wood. _ Believe me, madam, lovers are not to trust to-morrow. Love may
die upon our hands, or opportunity be wanting; 'tis best securing the
present hour.

_Trick. _ No, love's like fruit; it must have time to ripen on the
tree; if it be green gathered, 'twill but wither afterwards.

_Wood. _ Rather 'tis like gun powder; that which fires quickest, is
commonly the strongest. --By this burning kiss--

_Trick. _ You lovers are such froward children, ever crying for the
breast; and, when you have once had it, fall fast asleep in the
nurse's arms. And with what face should I look upon my keeper after
it?

_Wood. _ With the same face that all mistresses look upon theirs. Come,
come.

_Trick. _ But my reputation!

_Wood. _ Nay, that's no argument, if I should be so base to tell; for
women get good fortunes now-a-days, by losing their credit, as a
cunning citizen does by breaking.

_Trick. _ But, I'm so shame-faced! Well, I'll go in, and hide my
blushes. [_Exit. _

_Wood. _ I'll not be long after you; for I think I have hidden my
blushes where I shall never find them.

_Re-enter_ TRICKSY.

_Trick. _ As I live, Mr Limberham and father Aldo are just returned; I
saw them entering. My settlement will miscarry, if you are found here:
What shall we do?

_Wood. _ Go you into your bed-chamber, and leave me to my fortune.

_Trick. _ That you should be so dull! their suspicion will be as strong
still: for what should make you here?

_Wood. _ The curse on't is too, I bid my man tell the family I was gone
abroad; so that, if I am seen, you are infallibly discovered.
[_Noise. _

_Trick. _ Hark, I hear them! Here's a chest which I borrowed of Mrs
Pleasance; get quickly into it, and I will lock you up: there's
nothing in't but clothes of Limberham's, and a box of writings.

_Wood. _ I shall be smothered.

_Trick. _ Make haste, for heaven's sake; they'll quickly be gone, and
then--

_Wood. _ That _then_ will make a man venture any thing.
[_He goes in, and she locks the chest. _

_Enter_ LIMBERHAM _and_ ALDO.

_Limb. _ Dost thou not wonder to see me come again so quickly, Pug?

_Trick. _ No, I am prepared for any foolish freak of yours: I knew you
would have a qualm, when you came to settlement.

_Limb. _ Your settlement depends most absolutely on that chest.

_Trick. _ Father Aldo, a word with you, for heaven's sake.

_Aldo. _ No, no, I'll not whisper. Do not stand in your own light, but
produce the keys, daughter.

_Limb. _ Be not musty, my pretty St Peter, but produce the keys. I must
have the writings out, that concern thy settlement.

_Trick. _ Now I see you are so reasonable, I'll show you I dare trust
your honesty; the settlement shall be deferred till another day.

_Aldo. _ No deferring in these cases, daughter.

_Trick. _ But I have lost the keys.

_Limb. _ That's a jest! let me feel in thy pocket, for I must oblige
thee.

_Trick. _ You shall feel no where: I have felt already and am sure they
are lost.

_Aldo. _ But feel again, the lawyer stays.

_Trick. _ Well, to satisfy you, I will feel. --They are not here--nor
here neither. [_She pulls out her handkerchief, and the keys
drop after it:_ LIMBERHAM _takes them up. _

_Limb. _ Look you now, Pug! who's in the right? Well, thou art born to
be a lucky Pug, in spite of thyself.

_Trick_ [_Aside. _] O, I am ruined! --One word, I beseech you, father
Aldo.

_Aldo. _ Not a syllable. What the devil's in you, daughter? Open, son,
open.

_Trick. _ [_Aloud. _] It shall not be opened; I will have my will,
though I lose my settlement. Would I were within the chest! I would
hold it down, to spite you. I say again, would I were within the
chest, I would hold it so fast, you should not open it. --The best on't
is, there's good inkle on the top of the inside, if he have the wit to
lay hold on't. [_Aside. _

_Limb. _ [_Going to open it. _] Before George, I think you have the
devil in a string, Pug; I cannot open it, for the guts of me. _Hictius
doctius! _ what's here to do? I believe, in my conscience, Pug can
conjure: Marry, God bless us all good Christians!

_Aldo. _ Push hard, son.

_Limb. _ I cannot push; I was never good at pushing. When I push, I
think the devil pushes too. Well, I must let it alone, for I am a
fumbler. Here, take the keys, Pug.

_Trick. _ [_Aside. _] Then all's safe again.

_Enter_ JUDITH _and_ GERVASE.

_Jud. _ Madam, Mrs Pleasance has sent for the chest you borrowed of
her. She has present occasion for it; and has desired us to carry it
away.

_Limb. _ Well, that's but reason: If she must have it, she must have
it.
_Trick_ Tell her, it shall be returned some time to-day; at present we
must crave her pardon, because we have some writings in it, which must
first be taken out, when we can open it.

_Limb. _ Nay, that's but reason too: Then she must not have it.

_Gerv. _ Let me come to't; I'll break it open, and you may take out
your writings.

_Limb. _ That's true: 'Tis but reasonable it should be broken open.

_Trick. _ Then I may be bound to make good the loss.

_Limb. _ 'Tis unreasonable it should be broken open.

_Aldo. _ Before George, Gervase and I will carry it away; and a smith
shall be sent for to my daughter Pleasance's chamber, to open it
without damage.

_Limb. _ Why, who says against it? Let it be carried; I'm all for
reason.

_Trick. _ Hold; I say it shall not stir.

_Aldo. _ What? every one must have their own; _Fiat justitia, aut ruat
mundus. _

_Limb. _ Ay, _fiat justitia,_ Pug: She must have her own; for
_justitia_ is Latin for justice. [ALDO _and_ GERV. _lift at it. _

_Aldo. _ I think the devil's in't.

_Gerv. _ There's somewhat bounces, like him, in't. 'Tis plaguy heavy;
but we'll take t'other heave.

_Trick. _ [_Taking hold of the chest. _] Then you shall carry me too.
Help, murder, murder! [_A confused gabbling among them. _

_Enter Mrs_ SAINTLY.

_Saint. _ Verily, I think all hell's broke loose among you. What, a
schism in my family! Does this become the purity of my house? What
will the ungodly say?

_Limb. _ No matter for the ungodly; this is all among ourselves: For,
look you, the business is this. Mrs Pleasance has sent for this same
business here, which she lent to Pug; now Pug has some private
businesses within this business, which she would take out first, and
the business will not be opened: and this makes all the business.

_Saint. _ Verily, I am raised up for a judge amongst you; and I say--

_Trick. _ I'll have no judge: it shall not go.

_Aldo. _ Why son, why daughter, why Mrs Saintly; are you all mad? Hear
me, I am sober, I am discreet; let a smith be sent for hither, let him
break open the chest; let the things contained be taken out, and the
thing containing be restored.

_Limb. _ Now hear me too, for I am sober and discreet; father Aldo is
an oracle: It shall be so.

_Trick. _ Well, to show I am reasonable, I am content. Mr Gervase and I
will fetch an instrument from the next smith; in the mean time, let
the chest remain where it now stands, and let every one depart the
chamber.

_Limb. _ That no violence be offered to the person of the chest, in
Pug's absence.

_Aldo. _ Then this matter is composed.

_Trick. _ [_Aside. _] Now I shall have leisure to instruct his man, and
set him free, without discovery. Come, Mr Gervase.
[_Exeunt all but_ SAINTLY.

_Saint. _ There is a certain motion put into my mind, and it is of
good. I have keys here, which a precious brother, a devout blacksmith,
made me, and which will open any lock of the same bore. Verily, it can
be no sin to unlock this chest therewith, and take from thence the
spoils of the ungodly. I will satisfy my conscience, by giving part
thereof to the hungry and the needy; some to our pastor, that he may
prove it lawful; and some I will sanctify to my own use.
[_She unlocks the chest, and_ WOODALL _starts up. _

_Wood. _ Let me embrace you, my dear deliverer! Bless us! is it you,
Mrs Saintly? [_She shrieks. _

_Saint. _ [_Shrieking. _] Heaven of his mercy! Stop thief, stop thief!

_Wood. _ What will become of me now?

_Saint. _ According to thy wickedness, shall it be done unto thee. Have
I discovered thy backslidings, thou unfaithful man! thy treachery to
me shall be rewarded, verily; for I will testify against thee.

_Wood. _ Nay, since you are so revengeful, you shall suffer your part
of the disgrace; if you testify against me for adultery, I shall
testify against you for theft: There's an eighth for your seventh.
[_Noise. _

_Saint. _ Verily, they are approaching: Return to my embraces, and it
shall be forgiven thee.

_Wood. _ Thank you, for your own sake. Hark! they are coming! cry thief
again, and help to save all yet.

_Saint. _ Stop thief, stop thief!

_Wood. _ Thank you for your own sake; but I fear 'tis too late.

_Enter_ TRICKSY _and_ LIMBERHAM.

_Trick. _ [_Entering. _] The chest open, and Woodall discovered! I am
ruined.

_Limb. _ Why all this shrieking, Mrs Saintly?

_Wood. _ [_Rushing him down. _] Stop thief, stop thief! cry you mercy,
gentleman, if I have hurt you.

_Limb. _ [_Rising. _] 'Tis a fine time to cry a man mercy, when you have
beaten his wind out of his body.

_Saint. _ As I watched the chest, behold a vision rushed out of it, on
the sudden; and I lifted up my voice, and shrieked.

_Limb. _ A vision, landlady! what, have we Gog and Magog in our
chamber?

_Trick. _ A thief, I warrant you, who had gotten into the chest.

_Wood. _ Most certainly a thief; for, hearing my landlady cry out, I
flew from my chamber to her help, and met him running down stairs, and
then he turned back to the balcony, and leapt into the street.

_Limb. _ I thought, indeed, that something held down the chest, when I
would have opened it:--But my writings are there still, that's one
comfort. --Oh seignioro, are you here?

_Wood. _ Do you speak to me, sir?

_Saint. _ This is Mr Woodall, your new fellow-lodger.

_Limb. _ Cry you mercy, sir; I durst have sworn you could have spoken
_lingua Franca_--I thought, in my conscience, Pug, this had been thy
Italian _merchanto_.

_Wood. _ Sir, I see you mistake me for some other: I should be happy to
be better known to you.

_Limb. _ Sir, I beg your pardon, with all my _hearto_. Before George, I
was caught again there! But you are so very like a paltry fellow, who
came to sell Pug essences this morning, that one would swear those
eyes, and that nose and mouth, belonged to that rascal.

_Wood. _ You must pardon me, sir, if I do not much relish the close of
your compliment.

_Trick. _ Their eyes are nothing like:--you'll have a quarrel.

_Limb. _ Not very like, I confess.

_Trick. _ Their nose and mouth are quite different.

_Limb. _ As Pug says, they are quite different, indeed; but I durst
have sworn it had been he; and, therefore, once again, I demand your
_pardono_.

_Trick. _ Come, let us go down; by this time Gervase has brought the
smith, and then Mrs Pleasance may have her chest. Please you, sir, to
bear us company.

_Wood. _ At your service, madam.

_Limb. _ Pray lead the way, sir.

_Wood. _ 'Tis against my will, sir; but I must leave you in possession.
[_Exeunt. _


ACT III. --SCENE I.

_Enter_ SAINTLY _and_ PLEASANCE.

_Pleas. _ Never fear it, I'll be a spy upon his actions; he shall
neither whisper nor gloat on either of them, but I'll ring him such a
peal!

_Saint. _ Above all things, have a care of him yourself; for surely
there is witchcraft betwixt his lips: He is a wolf within the
sheepfold; and therefore I will be earnest, that you may not fall.
[_Exit. _

_Pleas. _ Why should my mother be so inquisitive about this lodger? I
half suspect old Eve herself has a mind to be nibbling at the pippin.
He makes love to one of them, I am confident; it may be to both; for,
methinks, I should have done so, if I had been a man; but the damned
petticoats have perverted me to honesty, and therefore I have a grudge
to him for the privilege of his sex. He shuns me, too, and that vexes
me; for, though I would deny him, I scorn he should not think me worth
a civil question.

_Re-enter_ WOODALL, _with_ TRICKSY, MRS BRAINSICK,
JUDITH, _and Music. _

_Mrs Brain. _ Come, your works, your works; they shall have the
approbation of Mrs Pleasance.

_Trick. _ No more apologies; give Judith the words, she sings at sight.

_Jud. _ I'll try my skill.

A SONG FROM THE ITALIAN.

_By a dismal cypress lying,
Damon cried, all pale and dying,--
Kind is death, that ends my pain,
But cruel she I loved in vain.
The mossy fountains
Murmur my trouble,
And hollow mountains
My groans redouble:
Every nymph mourns me,
Thus while I languish;
She only scorns me,
Who caused my anguish.
No love returning me, but all hope denying;
By a dismal cypress lying,
Like a swan, so sung he dying,--
Kind is death, that ends my pain,
But cruel she I loved in vain. _

_Pleas. _ By these languishing eyes, and those _simagres_ of yours, we
are given to understand, sir, you have a mistress in this company;
come, make a free discovery which of them your poetry is to charm, and
put the other out of pain.

_Trick. _ No doubt 'twas meant to Mrs Brainsick.

_Mrs Brain. _ We wives are despicable creatures; we know it, madam,
when a mistress is in presence.

_Pleas. _ Why this ceremony betwixt you? 'Tis a likely proper fellow,
and looks as he could people a new isle of Pines[7].

_Mrs Brain. _ 'Twere a work of charity to convert a fair young
schismatick, like you, if 'twere but to gain you to a better opinion
of the government.

_Pleas. _ If I am not mistaken in you, too, he has works of charity
enough upon his hands already; but 'tis a willing soul, I'll warrant
him, eager upon the quarry, and as sharp as a governor of
Covent-Garden.

_Wood. _ Sure this is not the phrase of your family! I thought to have
found a sanctified sister; but I suspect now, madam, that if your
mother kept a pension in your father's time, there might be some
gentleman-lodger in the house; for I humbly conceive you are of the
half-strain at least.

_Pleas. _ For all the rudeness of your language, I am resolved to know
upon what voyage you are bound; your privateer of love, you Argier's
man, that cruize up and down for prize in the Straitsmouth; which of
the vessels would you snap now?

_Trick. _ We are both under safe convoy, madam; a lover and a husband.